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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (radio, 9 December 1975)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello, and welcome to Just A Minute. Well, we have four keen players, and they’re going to try to speak if they can as usual for just a minute without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, can you talk on the subject of “what gives me the horrors”. Sixty seconds, starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Noise generally. It’s the sort of term which can cover a multitude of sins, I know, but one of the worst kinds of cacophony, I could ever envisage is the sort of shouting and bawling that goes on, at what are loosely termed public demonstrations, but which are in reality nothing more or less than an excuse for a load of hooligans to shout the odds and I loathe and deplore it. It reminds me of the worst aspects of barbarism, including Nazism. They rush about... BUZZ KW: ... saying “sieg heil” and these other people go “so and so, out, so and so, out, out, out, out”. They run along all down the street. My mother and I were going along the street one day... NP: Ken... KW: ... and we couldn’t hear ourselves speak! NP: Peter Jones who is sitting next to Kenneth, very kindly, put his hand over his mouth to stop him, because a long time ago, you were challenged Kenneth. KW: You’re supposed to speak for 60 seconds! NP: I know but... KW: I was doing my best here, aren’t I, Im always made a fool of.... NP: You are also supposed to stop speaking when a challenge occurs. KW: What was his challenge? NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. SHEILA HANCOCK: Well, I.. I.. I... I’ve forgotten the word when you go off the point. KW: She’s forgotten! NP: Deviation. SH: Deviation, well, I think he’s deviating, because you can’t have the implication that all demonstrations are Nazi Sieg Heil things. NP: No, but it wasn’t. He said this is what gives him the horrors. SH: Yes, but his implication was all demonstrations have people shouting and bawling. You have peaceful demonstrations. NP: Sheila I got the impression from what he said that it was that particular kind of demonstration. KW: Yes, yes. SH: No, no, no... KW: Yes, absolutely, what a very good chairman. Hear, hear, very good. SH: No, no, he... KW: Thank goodness there’s some democracy left with somebody like him in the chair. Yes! NP: Just wait, just wait, another 10 minutes from now, it’ll all be reversed, you’ll see. Anyway, I’ve given it in your favour, Kenneth. KW: Thank you Nicholas, very kind of you. NP: An incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, there are 27 seconds... KW: You combine dignity with fairness, may I say. NP: I’m waiting for when the colour changes. There are 27 seconds left to continue with what gives me the horrors, starting now. KW: And another thing that I can’t stand is footsteps, behind... BUZZ NP: Ah, Derek Nimmo has challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of “can’t stand”. NP: A correct challenge, you get a point for that. You have 25 seconds, what gives me the horrors, starting now. DN: What gives me the horrors is being alone in a haunted hout, very late at night. BUZZ NP: Ah, Sheila Hancock. SH: What is a haunted hout? DN: I have little idea. SH: Doubtless you’ve been alone in one. NP: Deviation from grammar, pronounciation and haunted houses. Sheila, a correct challenge for you, 20 seconds are left, what gives me the horrors, starting now. SH: What gives me the horrors are cockroaches, great, big, black beetles. BUZZ SH: There is a theatre in London.. NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, you see, you can’t have great and big, you can have one or the other, but you don’t want great and big. SH: You can. KW: Pardon me but it’s deviation, it’s bad language dear, anyone would tell you it’s bad language. NP: Kenneth, in order to keep going in Just A Minute, I think one would definitely be allowed to use colloquial phrases even if it is a little ungrammatical. DN: That’s shut him up hasn’t it. NP: Yes, 15 seconds to continue on what gives me the horrors, starting now. SH: There is a theatre in London which is absolutely overrun by these creatures. On one particular night, I had to go on stage and open a cupboard and exclaim with delight about the contents therein, and there I saw six large beetles. WHISTLE NP: Well, as our regulars know, when the whistle is blown by Ian Messiter, which tells us that 60 seconds are up, whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, and on this occasion it was Sheila Hancock who has a strong lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones, will you begin the next round. Nice to hear from you, Peter, how are you? PETER JONES: Yes, hello, Nicholas, well, I’m not too bad really. Nice to see so many of Kenneth’s relatives here. NP: Peter, the subject that Ian has thought up is my great-great-grandfather. There are 60 seconds and you start now. PJ: Well, my great-great-grandfather, I’m pleased you’ve mentioned him, doubtless you’ve read about him in the National Dictionary of Biography. He was a well known plumber and designer of sanitary fittings in the middle of the last century, and he was one of the people, who blazed a trail with that sort of terraced filigree er shower type er fittings... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: There were an awful lot of ers there, weren’t there? I think the ers would come under the heading of hesitation. NP: I think you would be right. So there are 35 seconds for you Kenneth on the subject, my great-great-grandfather, starting now. KW: My great-great-grandfather came from a place in Wales and I believe he was something to do with boats. But my mother and my other... no... BUZZ NP: Sheila’s challenged. SH: Hesitation. NP: Yes Sheila, you have 23 seconds now on my great-great-grandfather. SH: I honestly have the faintest idea who my great-great grandfather was. But I have a fantasy... BUZZ KW: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Well, there must have been eight of them for a start, and one of them must have been called Hancock. NP: Yes, but she wasn’t talking about his name. She conveyed to me that she didn’t know him, therefore she wasn’t deviating from the subject. So she has 17 seconds.. PJ: Anyway there’d be 16 wouldn’t there? KW: Who asked you to put your oar in? PJ: Thank you very much. KW: Well! He’s already pronounced judgement, you can’t interfere with the chair. NP: 17 seconds for you Sheila, starting now. SH: I fantasise that he was a descendant of Mary Queen of Scots, and therefore an illustrious character, and I have royal blood running in my veins. Also he was a man with bright red hair...(giggles) BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Hesitation, she’s packing up. NP: That’s three seconds too early, because Derek, you have three seconds to take on the subject of my great-great-grandfather starting now. DN: George Gabites, and he went out to New Zealand on a clipper. WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking when the whistle went and gained that extra point. He’s in second place with Sheila Hancock in the lead and Kenneth Williams in third and Peter Jones in fourth respectively. The next subject is whales and Derek Nimmo, would you start. Sixty seconds, starting now. DN: The great excitement of being out on a whaler across the ocean with a spear in your hand, looking for the great monster to come out to sea, a sperm whale I see. Oh whatho I cry. And there I climb onto the deck and Moby Dick arrives too. What a splendid chap! He’s called that because he actually captured a whale back in 1874. He’s knocking on a bit now but it doesn’t show. And then I saw on the ocean far... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams KW: Deviation, Moby Dick diddn’t capture the whale at all. DN: I know, it’s a name, he was called Moby Dick because he captured the whale. It’s a bit of fantasy! KW: You’re talking of the work written by Herman Melville and you’re completely misleading these people. NP: What is your challenge? PJ: He repeated ocean. KW: Deviation. Deviation. Herman Melville never wrote of this actor, and he’s using his name, and his actor to mislead these good people. NP: I got the impression he called this whale Moby Dick, but it wasn’t the Moby Dick of the novel. KW: There’s only one Moby Dick. DN: Quite right. Very good chairman. NP: There’s 37 seconds remaining on whales still with you Derek, starting now. DN: Llandudno was a place where I used to spend a lot of my holiday hours, climbing the Great Ord. What a splendid mountain! Have you ever popped up to the top of it, I ask the audience. No, they don’t reply. But there I could see, across the sand, and often my granny, dear old lady that she was, would sit making sandcastles, or chateau le sarb as they say in France. BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: He’s deviating, I mean first of all, he was in Llandudno, now he’s in France, nothing to do with Wales at all. NP: Well, he was... PJ: Rambling, practically raving. NP: Which of course is what one does in this programme. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt Peter and say that you have 12 seconds for Wales starting now. PJ: Whales, yes. I was thinking of those mammals, which are much sought for the tusks and blubber... BUZZ. NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Deviation, they don’t have tusks. PJ: Don’t they. NP: That’s a sea elephant. PJ: Is that what it is, yes. NP: Four seconds on whales with you Derek, starting now. DN: Wails and the gnashing of teeth, that’s what I heard in Jerusalem, my goodness, what a fearsome cry.. WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo showing us that he travels all around the world. He’s got a lot of points, and he’s in the lead one ahead of Sheila now. Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, and computers. Can you talk on them for 60 seconds starting now. SH: Computers have become the bane of my life. I used to enjoy getting personal letters from the Gas Board. But since then they’ve had this Mr Computer take over, who obviously every time he gets anything from me, a little message goes inside his body saying let’s rip it up and get it into a muddle and send her back a letter saying she hasn’t paid her bill with the result that I get a repetitious note from the Gas.. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Well, there was a sort of ermmm between the repetitious and note. SH: I was about to repeat letters you see. NP: So Derek got in first with the challenge, he has 34 seconds to take over the subject and talk on computers starting now. DN: My great-great-grandfather who lived in Wales... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock. SH: Repetition of great. NP: Yes. Thirty seconds Sheila after your good challenge on computers, starting now. SH: Another aspect of modern life where these computers have come into being is the...ohhh BUZZ NP: Derek’s got in again, yes Derek. DN: Well, she did it again! NP: Twentyfive seconds for you Derek, starting now. DN: Two and three make five. It’s something that you can work out quite easily yourself, but when you’re given a computer, and I have one at home, a little funny thing. You have to press buttons and I find it terribly complicated... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: He hasn’t got a little computer, he’s got a calculator. NP: That is perfectly correct. DN: Is it really? I didn’t know the difference, did you? SH: No. DN: Well, you learn something every day don’t you. NP: And you have computers, Peter, you have 15 seconds starting now. PJ: They’re very useful, because people are able to blame them, like they used to blame the war. I had a telephone bill for 75,000 pounds and I said no, this is not right, can’t be, must be wrong, and they said well, the computer said you’ve got to pay. And I said well, my computer says I’m not going to. And they said well... WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones speaking then as the whistle went, gained the extra point, and he’s moved into third place, and Derek Nimmo still in the lead, and Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, the subject: help. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. KW: Perhaps the most noble kind of help ever given on this earth to the fellow human beings around him is that from the nurses. I think particularly of those wonderful words: “patriotism is not enough, there must be no hatred in my heart for anyone” and that is inscribed in place on the statue commemorating Edith Capill. One of the most noble people. The help that that lady gave to simply hundreds, cannot possibly be over-estimated. And you think of Nightingale in much the same fashion, when apropos the Crimea, she journeyed, sometimes on pack mule, sometimes ... BUZZ NP: Awwwww KW: Who’s had the impertinenece? NP: We were enjoying that. KW: Who done it? Who done it! NP: Didn’t we enjoy it! KW: Never mind that, who done it? Who had the impertinence! NP: Sheila Hancock... KW: I see. The nerve... SH: Repetition. KW: You wicked, you wicked girl. SH: I don’t care, you repeated sometimes. NP: You’ve got to be fair, we are also playing Just A Minute. SH: Yes. NP: And you repeated sometimes, and Sheila was right to challenge. she has a point and she has seven seconds on help, starting now. SH: If I can help somebody as I pass along, even though it be Kenneth Williams, I will try to do so. WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones, your turn to begin. The subject: a load of old rubbish. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. PJ: Well, I have appeared in a number of those in several different mediums, but I remember about 20 years ago, I went to an auction, and I actually bought a load of old rubbish for about 50p. Well, it was exactly that amount. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: He said er that amount. NP: No, he didn’t actually say er, he recovered very well and you got in too soon, there are 46 seconds for a load of old rubbish Peter, starting now. PJ: The item that I really wanted to have was a picnic set. with plates, knives, forks and a singing kettle. But it also contained about 40... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Yes, well, I’ve challenged it. I’ve never heard of a kettle that sang. I think it’s absolute rubbish. PJ: Yes, it sort of whistled and sang you know. KW: That’s a different matter entirely, now he’s talking about whistling. Deviation. NP: Yes, some people do refer to whistling kettles as singing kettles. KW: Of course they don’t. They want their heads seen to! NP: All I can say is... KW: I’ve never heard such rubbish in my life! NP: Kenneth, all I can say is... KW: Imagine it! You put a kettle on and it sings “Cupful of mine” (singing)! What rubbish, you great fool! NP: No, I’m going to give Peter the benefit of the doubt, because people do talk about whistling kettles as singing kettles sometimes. There are 35 seconds, Peter, on a load of old rubbish, starting now. PJ: There were a number of carpenters tools, a kitchen table, and three small chairs. All for er this amount which I paid. BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: I’m afraid you said amount before. NP: Yes, the word you searched for long time and got has come up again. Kenneth, you have a correct challenge, and you have 26 seconds on a load of old rubbish, starting now. KW: This is what is talked by everyone on this panel, apart from myself. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation, he talks more rubbish than anybody! NP: How, how do I judge on that one? KW: I don’t know how you judge it mate, but we’ve got a partisan audience, he got a great clap here! NP: I don’t know who speaks the most rubbish, I think I speak the most rubbish. So Ill give.... and as the audience has agreed with me, I’ll give a point to you for a correct challenge, and a point to you for an incorrect challenge and say that he keeps the subject and has 21 seconds on a load of old rubbish starting now. KW: This is how one of the most eminent critics of London described the production that once went on of The Bohemian Girl, because it contained, behind them alas, a hidden orchestra. And the gentleman who was the leader of the violins, couldn’t start in time because Beacham, who was controlling the baton, could not be seen from his point of view... WHISTLE NP: That wasn’t a load of old rubbish, that was delighful. Kenneth, you were speaking when the whistle went, you gain an extra point. You are now equal with Peter Jones in third place. You’re three points behind Sheila Hancock, who is one behind our leader, who is still Derek Nimmo, and Derek, your turn to begin. And the subject: hope. Can you talk about that for just a minute starting now. DN: Faith, hope and charity, and the greatest of these is charity, or in the new English Bible they now say love which is a much better expression I think. But one thinks perhaps also of the Hope Diamond which has brought such misfortune to people throughout the world, taken from the idol’s eye in India, and through the family of Hope, destruction was brought upon them. And the interesting thing it was finally given to the charge of President Nixon, and perhaps this contributed to his downfall, who knows? We must beware... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones, you’ve challenged. PJ: I don’t believe it was given to President Nixon. DN: It was actually. PJ: Was it? Oh, doesn’t matter. NP: All right, Derek, the challenge was incorrect, and you have 24 seconds starting now. DN: The fairest cape in all the world! Sir Francis Drake called the er thingamybob I just mentioned Hope. BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has just challenged. SH: Er well, yes, it was a sort of hesitation. NP: I would say it was hesitation. Sheila Hancock, you have a point and you have 17 and a half seconds on hope starting now. SH: I think hope is one of the necessary things of life. Especially at the moment when things look black. Because without hope... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Repetition of things. SH: Yes. NP: Yes, too many things. Twelve seconds, no 11 seconds, on hope, Derek, starting now. DN: Hope! Oh I hope it’s going to be a lovely day when I go outside this theatre, because I know when I came in, the sun was shining, the birds were in the air, and I was filled with hope for the future. There’s nothing that is quite so nasty... WHISTLE NP: Well, Derek was speaking as the whistle went again, and has increased his lead at the end of that round. Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, and the subject is brandy. Can you talk about that for just a minute starting now. SH: Brandy is one of the delights of life in my opinion. There is nothing nicer than to have a large glass filled... not filled actually... BUZZ NP: Derek. DN: We had filled twice. NP: Yes, once you’ve said something you mustn’t retract it, there are 50 seconds on brandy with you Derek, starting now. DN: I’ve drunk brandy in various parts of the world, and I think the nastiest that I’ve ever drunk was at something called the Erhart Atoll, which is an island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It was disgusting! It was unbelievably vile, and my stomach turned over on the boat as I took off again. Sometimes though, in Greece, you can drink a particularly flavoured brandy... BUZZ NP: Ah, Sheila Hancock’s challenged. SH: Oh, I’m getting awfully bored with this world tour we keep having. KW: Yes I agree, it’s just a flush. SH: Yes. KW: It’s just a flush he keeps on that he’s been all over the place SH: I think he’s working for the Tourist Board. He never stops! “I was in Greece”... KW: Oooh I know! SH: The Porta de Sole... Deviation! KW: And he’s rambling! SH: Deviation, because you said “one goes on...” well, I don’t for a start! KW: Precisely! Exactly! SH: I haven’t been beyond Balham this year! No, an incorrect challenge, and you can carry on! NP: Derek, you have 22 seconds on brandy, starting now. DN: Down at the George and Dragon in Balham, you can get a very nice glass of brandy. I remember last Tuesday I filled four of these receptacles with this muck. and shoved it down my throat! And I was happily... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of throat. KW: Yes you had throat before, you did, you said it before I’m afraid. NP: Yes, are you two working as a team now? There are 10 seconds on brandy Peter starting now. PJ: Well, the best kind is made in Cognac of course. This other stuff.. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Well, thats not brandy, thats cognac. Deviation. PJ: You can call any cognac brandy, but you can’t call any brandy cognac. KW: Ah, thats a very good point you see, aha! aaaaaaaaahh! Very good point! NP: Give a point to the team over there, I quite agree Peter, just as i was going to say, so you have 5 seconds on brandy starting now. PJ: And there are three areas divided into small... WHISTLE NP: Well, Peter you got a point then for speaking as the whistle went, you are one point behind Sheila, who is a few points behind our leader Derek Nimmo. And Peter, your turn to begin. Your subject, and oh a lovely subject: getting ready for breakfast. Just a minute to talk on it starting now. PJ: I adore getting ready for breakfast. I leap out of bed, have a shower, and then I go downstairs into the kitchen, and I prepare these vast quantities of food. Great flagons of cream with porridge and smoked bacon, sausages, grilled kippers... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has challemged. SH: Deviation. Knowing Peter as I do, I just don’t believe him! KW: Well, there’s nothing in the game that says it’s got to be true. You have to speak for 60 seconds. NP: This is the trouble... PJ: It’s not my fault you’ve never stayed for breakfast! SH: In future I will! NP: He wasn’t deviating from the subject. We’re all going to be there for breakfast, he’s got enough food for the whole family! Peter, you have 43 seconds on getting ready for breakfast starting now. PJ: Devils kidneys are a particular speciality of mine, and I adore having these great silver covers... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of great. NP: Yes, you had this great amount of food before , and now you have the great silver covers. There are 35 seconds, getting ready for breakfast, starting now. DN: Oh golly, I do enjoy getting ready for breakfast. I have a workout at my Indian club first, to put me in the frame physically and mentally to consume this great feast. Now what is wonderful about the French, is that they draw up this list, they call it pater de journey. We call it break-fast, how rounded it sounds and how beautiful the toast is that follows... shut up Kenny... and then... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. SH: Deviation, shut up Kenny is not on the card. KW: That’s not fair, that’s not fair, he was provoked. I couldn’t help laughing, therefore he was provoked. NP: Well, everybody... KW: You can’t blame him for that, the poor boy! You can’t blame him! It’s not fair, is it! NP: Everybody gets provoked in this game! There are nine seconds, eight seconds, for Sheila on getting ready for breakfast with you, starting now. SH: Unlike the gentlemen on the team, my preparations for breakfast are total chaos. The baby usually arrives at half past five, I have her tucked under one arm... WHISTLE NP: And I’ve just received a message that we have no more time, so we have now to wind up the game so let me tell you what the final score was. Well, Kenneth Williams who did very well and he certainly contributed a great deal, but he still finished in fourth place, but he was only two points behind Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock who were equal in second place. But they were some considerable way behind this week’s winner, Derek Nimmo. We hope you enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, from all of us here goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd. |
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