JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,LFraser
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and LIZ FRASER chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 February 1976)

NOTE: Liz Fraser's last appearance.



THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Liz Fraser in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we welcome back Liz Fraser to play the game with our three regular competitors, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams and theyíre going to try and speak if they can for just a minute without repetition, hesitation or deviation from the subject I will give them or until theyíre challenged. And weíll start the show this week with Kenneth Williams and the subject is staying power. Kenneth, 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This is to be do with stamina and itís two words, used instead of one which always shows a poverty as far as the vocabulary is concerned. Staying power could also be applicable to batteries, which I place in one of my torches. I get them out of the drawer, only a few days left and thereís no light at all. I am not illuminated! And the automatic polisher for the shoes seldom works! The other kind of stamina is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of stamina.

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject of staying power, there are 19 seconds left starting now.

CF: Staying power is oneís ability to remain in authority for longer than peopel actually want you to be there. At the Hexham and District Chip Butty eating contest the winner whose name was Heckman White or possibly...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle as always tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that time gains the extra point. Clement Freud was doing it and heís the only one to score in that round. And Clement itís your turn to begin, and the subject, beef. Will you talk about that if you can for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: In my sporting autobiography which of course was called Beef Booze and Birds which related my arrival at Home Park to play for Plymouth Argyle dressed in green and white. I raced around the pitch, I was at centre half at the time but with no sense of balance or direction. Um, it cost 17 shillings and sixpence, a sum which has now been translated in the region of 80-something new p. Iím really not very good, um, at the new...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: ... denominations of money and....

PETER JONES: He repeated the um!

CF: .... nor do I have any desire to be so!

NP: He did indeed. 25 seconds for you Peter on a correct challenge and the subject beef starting now.

PJ: Well, itís the name people give to the flesh of the cow or the ox. And I suppose if it were just...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Liz Fraser.

LIZ FRASER: Actually they donít call cow beef. They do call it cow meat. I buy it for my dog.

NP: Well you might, you might call it cow meat but it is still called beef so he wasnít deviating from the subject on the card. So he has another point and 17 seconds starting now.

PJ: And there are a number of varieties of things which you can do with it. Like stewing, frying, brazing, roasting, making into rissoles and actually grilling as well which is one of the most pleasant ways of preparing this for the table. Itís full of protein...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter having got the subject of beef put plenty of beef behind his dissertation. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject: a ton. Would you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well, thats 2240 pounds. Or if youíre thinking in terms of the continental ton then it would be 2000 kilograms.

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser challenged.

LF: Repetition of 2000!

NP: Yes and you have 49 seconds on tons starting now.

LF: In Cockney slang a ton also means 100 poinds. I donít know if this has been altetred in view of inflation but with one ton in your hand you can go along to the races and enjoy yourself and gamble. If I had a ton of coal I wouldnít these days be permitted to use it because living in a smokeless fuel area it is very difficult to burn this commodity. Therefore...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: There are other uses for coal apart from burning it. I mean you can shape it, make it into paperweights. There are all kinds of uses for a ton of coal!

NP: I disagree with his challenge and you have 17 seconds on a ton starting now.

LF: Smokeless zone areas...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: She said smokeless and area before.

NP: Yes she did and you have 15 seconds on a ton Clement starting now.

CF: Actually when a Cockney says a ton he means 100 miles an hour and not what the lovely Liz Fraser suggested. And driving down the motorway for instance doing a ton is an open...

BUZZ

NP: Well at the end of that round, Clement Freud got an extra point for speaking when the whistle went. He is one ahead of Peter Jones who is one ahead of Liz Fraser. And Liz, itís your turn to begin. The subject is the things in my deep freezer. will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

LF: Ideally I should have in my deep freezer peas, carrots, broccoli, spinach, all kinds of vegetables, strawberries,
raspberries, ice cream, vanilla flavoured, chocolate ripple, dog meat I have. Also there is liver, pork chops...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I think hesitation, it all seemed to come to a halt didnít it.

LF: Yes it did.

NP: Well, maybe her freezer was full up! And Kenneth you have a correct challenge, you have the subject of the things in my deep freezer, 35 seconds starting now.

KW: The things in my deep freezer are non-existent because I donít have one! But if I did it would be full of goodies! And toffee apples would be most important of all! You see to actually lick that delicate flavour from off the fruit! Oooohh! I canít think of anything better to get me going than a toffee on the fruit!

BUZZ

KW: Oooooohh! I love a good...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Kenneth had too many fruits!

LF: There was a load of toffee as well!

CF: Or one fruit too many....

NP: Yes, Clement....

CF: ... for me!

NP: You have a correct challenge and 12 seconds are now left for things in my deep freezer starting now.

CF: The things in my deep freezer are cockroaches mostly which come creeping crawling out...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I donít think he should be allowed to advertise his hotel on the air!

NP: The audience applause tells me we must give Peter Jones a bonus point because we enjoyed his challenge. But as Clement wasnít actually deviating from the subject he can keep going for another 5 seconds if you can starting now.

CF: But in the hotel that I have...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clementís increased his lead at the end of that round.

PJ: Something worse I suppose he was going to say!

NP: Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, the subject: rules. Can you talk about them for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well, every procedure has got rules attached to it, and games are no exception. The present one is governed....

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Liz Fraser challenged.

LF: Hesitation.

NP: No, I donít think so, he was going slowly but not enough to hesitate yet. So Kenneth you have 47 seconds on rules starting now.

KW: There are palinomic rules and there are grammatical rules, and I think we all know when weíre assigning a zukomer or a sillogism...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I donít know.

NP: But he was using it as a figure of speech so he wasnít strictly deviating from the subject, so he has another point and there are 38 seconds on rules starting now.

KW: Well for Clementís benefit the defination would be he took his oath and his seat. That is a zukomer my dear. I thought Iíd enlighten you, you see!

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! You silly so and so! Having enlightened him, you...

KW: I love him! I love him! I tell you!

NP: You rested on your laurels...

KW: Heís precious to me!

NP: .. and the wonderful reaction you got when you enlightened him! Clement has a correct challenge and 29 seconds on rules Clement starting now.

CF: In a Graham Greene novel I seem to remember the author spent a fair amount of time in a restaurant in Maiden Lane called Rules, in which on a Thursday they served a steak and kidney, mushroom and oyster pudding, a dish Iíve always preferred to the same sort of...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, he said he seemed to remember, well, heís obviously remembering the whole thing.

CF: I seem to remember it was that novel but it might have been another novel.

KW: You said you seem to remember! Itís not the same as remembering! You canít say seem!

NP: No, no, I think he was right! You can seem to remember because he wasnít sure which novel it was. I think he made his point quite clear. So there are 12 seconds on rules starting now.

CF: The one that we have for this game says do not hesitate. One should under no circumstances deviate and also points can be lost or buzzers pressed should you repeat a word which you have previously...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, that was difficult to work out but Clement kept going and spoke again as the whistle went, gained another point, and increased his lead considerably over the other three who are all almost equal now together in second place. Um Clement your turn to begin, the subject after that is justice, so would you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: At school learning algebra, geometry and straight arithmetic I recall my mathematics instructor saying pi equals 22 over 7 or 3.142. And I said ďwhy?Ē and he said ďjust isĒ. Iíve always remembered that this is an incredibly useful formula whereby you can ascertain the circumference of a circle knowing only the radius or diameter thereof. The magic...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Liz Fraser.

LF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

LF: Well, I donít think heís got back to the subject of justice.

NP: No I donít quite see what justice has got to do with the general mathematical formula youíre talking about, and you have 27 seconds on justice starting now.

LF: For me justice is courts where gentlemen where gowns and wigs and often carry a pair of briefs.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Thatís not a court at all! Itís a very low-class sort of variety theatre! People wear gowns and wigs and everything, itís very.. you know...

NP: Well it might be to Liz Fraser, it may not be to you! Thatís her idea of justice! So weíve got to hear her ideas of justice, she wasnít deviating from the subject, she has 17 seconds starting now.

LF: There is in fact, talking about variety, a court...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You shouldnít be talking about variety! The subject is justice!

NP: So Peter you have 13 seconds to take up the subject of justice starting now.

PJ: Nothing is more impressive than to make a visit to the Old Bailey. Under the Great Dome with the, er, bold figure...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser challenged.

LF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, 5 seconds, Liz, on justice starting now.

LF: Talking about that court that you just mentioned....

BUZZ

NP: Kenenth Willaims has challenged.

KW: Sheís already said talking about!

NP: Kenneth you have 2 seconds on justice starting now.

KW: The blindfold holding the scales in her hands!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went has moved forward. Heís now equal in third place with Peter Jones, behind Liz Frazer and theyíre all behind our leader whoís way out in front, Clement Freud. Liz Fraser, your turn to begin. The subject: what gives me the most pleasure. Can you tell us some of your secrets in Just A Minute starting now.

LF: What gives me the most pleasure is difficult to say but I think perhaps listening to Kenneth Williams talking about his Christmas cruise. Or watching Clement Freud and his twin. Or really enjoying Peter Jones. Or switching off Nicholas Parsons! There are other things that give me great pleasure like sitting in a restaurant opposite a very tall dark and handsome man holding his hand and sharing his muscles! I am very fond of food and this is one of my greatest pleasures. I will start with lobster perhaps, carry on with a nice...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Starting with lobster, holding the hand of a man opposite you! Itís got to be impossible!

NP: Yes! She didnít say...

LF: And sharing his muscles!

NP: ... she was actually doing it! Sheís got to...

CF: She said she was...

KW: She was feeling his muscles, but now sheís got past that!

NP: I think she felt his muscles and thought Iíd better have a bit of lobster to build herself up!

PJ: I thought she said she was sharing his mussels...

NP: Yes she did...

PJ: .... which I thought was a first course! I thought it was odd to follow it with a crab!

LF: No, he had mussels but I was having the lobster and I was sharing his muscles.

PJ: Oh yes I understand.

NP: Well in spite of the fact that you like to switch me off Liz Iím going to be very generous and say that was an incorrect challenge so you have a point for that. I always try and be fair. There are 16 seconds on what gives me the most pleasure starting now.

LF: Accompanied by broccoli, courgettes. Iíve never tasted any food that Clement has actually prepared and made and I must say that...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah, deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Not even I can make food.

LF: Oh surely you can.

NP: Itís a tough challenge isnít it. Making food, itís a colloquial phrase, you obviously donít make food, you make dishes!

KW: You prepare food, you great fool! You prepare dishes! You donít make dishes unless youíre a potter!

NP: I say Kenneth, I said ....

KW: I donít know how he got the job!

NP: I said...

KW: Well! I donít know where he got educated!

NP: Kenneth, when youíre speaking you use these colloquial phrases, itís very hard to keep going...

PJ: Of course they do! Itís quite acceptable! On a packet of biscuits, it says any complaint return to the maker! It doesnít mean God Almighty!

NP: So Peter has supported me, Iím going to put the final judgement on this to the audience. If you agree with Clementís challenge then you can boo for Clement. But if you disagree with his challenge then you can cheer for Liz Frazer and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS

NP: Youíre booing for Clement Freud, you agree with his challenge, so Clement gets the subject and he has 6 seconds on what gives me most pleasure starting now.

CF: What gives me most pleasure actually is when they boo for Nicholas Parsons. I feel warm and....

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin, the subject is the Lion and the Unicorn. will you tell us somthing about them in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: These are the animals reprsented on the arms of England. The lion is real, the unicorn is a fabled creature and has an interesting history, the story of which is told by the Master of Arms in the book of this subject...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser.

LF: Repetition of arms.

KW: Itís hyphenated, master of arms, darling! Itís hyphenated!

NP: Iíve been told by Ian Messiter who thought up the rules that if itís hyphenated, then itís incorrect.

PJ: You mean he thought up another rule!

NP: So Kenneth you have a point and you keep the subject, there are 43 seconds, the lion and the unicorn, starting now.

KW: And this was the Asia quadrant, and it had a very good Asian Greek....

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Asia.

NP: Yes.

KW: I didnít! I said Azzure! You great nit! I was discussing heraldry and thatís how azzure is referred to, isnít it!

NP: You want to have a little....

KW: I want to have a little, yes I do! Iíll have a little with you afterwards my dear!

PJ: I didnít understand a word he said that time!

NP: No.

PJ: I only knew he was repeating himself because he pulled the same face!

CF: And I must say Clement was very clever because whatever word it was he made it sound exactly the same and I said yes. But we now know you were talking about Azzure. There are 36 seconds Clement on the lion and the unicorn starting now.

CF: Outside the theatre today somebody came up to me and said ďis it true that Kenneth Williams is a mythical beast?Ē I said...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well, this is deviation.

NP: You donít believe it!

KW: Well, of course I donít!

NP: Nor do I, all right Kenneth you have the subject and you have 22 seconds on the lion and the unicorn starting now.

KW: This is the title of a very beautiful story which was written by Mr Thurber and it is a magical...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Mr Thurber wrote a story about the unicorn in the garden, nothing about a lion.

NP: I believe youíre right, there are 14 seconds with Clement starting now.

CF: Once upon a time there was a woman lying in bed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is supposed to be a family show! I donít know why you insist on dragging all this filth about women laying in bed.

NP: And I donít think that had anything to do with a lion, but they fought for the whatsit and chased them out of town didnít they! And they all ate current cake and all that stuff. Ten seconds on the lion and the unicorn...

CF: If this is a family show...

NP: ... with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: And it was the subject of a remarkable childrenís nursery rhyme about going up hill to get a pail of water and it said the unicorn fell down and broke his crown and ...

WHISTLE

KW: ... and Jill came tumbling after!

NP: That was Jack and Jill!

KW: No no no, thatís how the crown got itís arms you see!

NP: Well they broke them when they fell down?

KW: Precisely!

NP: Well, weíll carry on with the programme. Clement itís your turn to begin and after that weíve got the subject of ogres. Can you tell us something about them in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: An ogre would be a unicorn painted in order to frighten women and children and I dare say Kenneth Williams as well.

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser has challenged.

LF: Would it be a yellow ochre?

NP: Beg pardon? Yellow ochre youíre talking about? Ochre as in colours is different to ogre.

LF: It was a joke!

NP: And the audience appreciate it with a spontaneous round of applause and Clement you have 50 seconds to continue on ogres starting now.

CF: Perhaps the most endearing thing about ogres is that you can make such smashing jokes like yellow ochre! Or ogre..... (pauses)

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Was he hesitating or was he waiting for the audience to calm down after that joke?

NP: He was doing both!

PJ: Ah!

NP: But you have a correct challenge and you have 40 seconds to continue, not continue, to take over the subject of ogres starting now.

PJ: Well, theyíre ghastly creatures with... (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Yes he fell about laughing!

NP: I know he did, he was thinking about a very funny story but it craesed him. Kenneth you have the subject, there are 37 seconds for ogres starting now.

KW: This can be used to cover a multitude in terms of the definaition and of course monsters like Medusa with that hair full of snakes could equally be called ogresome. I on the other hand find...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Has that got a hyphen, ogresome?

KW: Wouldnít matter if it hadnít, because ogreís on the card! Isnít it dearie!

NP: So what is your challenge?

KW: Whether ogresome is a genuine word.

NP: Ah.

KW: He is challenging that.

PJ: It isnít even a word!

NP: In that case I give you the challenge.

PJ: Thank you very much!

KW: If you have a hand and there are some hands then youíre called handsome, you have some hands you see!

NP: Peter you have the subject and...

KW: Does he indeed! What a cheek!

NP: 22 seconds on ogres starting now.

PJ: Well, they are mythical things that are used to frighten children and other innocent people. And I think they ought to be stopped from doing this by the RSPCC.

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of C.

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge, you have 10 seconds on ogres starting now.

CF: I suppose the RSPCA could be asked to look after ogres and stop them being...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Iíd say a hesitation.

NP: Yes there was.

CF: There was indeed.

NP: 5 seconds on ogres with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Itís very specialised, this kind of thing and the argonauts came upon many in...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, I have received a messgae, we have no more time, so we have to wind up proceedings and that means I must now tell you what the final score was at the end of the game. Peter Jones and Liz Fraser finished together in third place behind Kenneth Williams who was four points behind this weeks winner, Clement Freud. We hope you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute. From all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.