JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMacdonald
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 February 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just herad we welcome back Aimi Macdonald to play the game, looking lovely amongst these three awful men! And once again Iím going to ask them to try and speak if they can for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. If one of their opponents thinks theyíre guilty of doing this they may challenge and they will gain points or give points away according to whether I uphold their challenge. Let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Iím sure youíve got a lot to say about...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ooooh Iím rearing to go! Yes!

NP: Well can you go on Oliver Cromwell...

KW: Oliver Cromwell...

NP: Yes, that is the subject Kenneth, Oliver Cromwell, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: He was a disgusting old man! And of course a regicide! And was wont to use such expressions as "I do beseech thee from my bowels!" Which of course is quite unnecessary! And put to the sword women and children, over 5000 at Armagh. Was responsible for the desecration of some of the loveliest of our ecclesiastical buildings. And had the doubtful honour of having his body disinterred...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Why, deviash... hesitation sorry.

NP: I donít think he hesitated and you did say deviation first. So all that happens is I donít agree with the challenge, Kenneth gains a point and he goes on with Oliver Cromwell for 32 seconds starting now.

KW: And they dug him up and hung him at Tyburn. And quite right too! Thatís what I say! Not very often weíve had his kind in this country! He called himself Lord Protector, and of course he was just heading what they nowadays would er describe...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged. Why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. I agree with the hesitation there. Clement you take over the subject with 17 seconds left for Oliver Cromwell starting now.

CF: If I had served my God with half the zeal with which I served my King, he would not...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged. Why?

KW: Because this, these are not the words of Oliver Cromwell at all!

NP: I quite agree! I know you havenít said they were but er the thing is you have said it and the subject is Oliver Cromwell so we can only assume you were referring to Oliver Cromwell. So in the circumstances I have to give Kenneth Williams another point and say there are 10 seconds left for Oliver Cromwell starting now.

KW: Yes you could describe it as a military government. It was largely financed by a man called Sir John Hampton, who was his sidekick, another evil man of course. Absolute regicides all of them!

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went and as that tells us that 60 seconds are up, he gets an extra point. And that means at the end of the first round he has a commanding lead of three over Clement Freudís one and the others have yet to score. It is obvious Kennethís knowledge of history puts him into this position. All right letís continue with the show. Aimi Macdonald would you begin the next round, my favourite spring-time activity. Can you talk in front of these three fellers here about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AIMI MACDONALD: Well every morning I allot myself 10 minutes for exercise...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well deviation, because if itís every morning it canít be spring-time.

NP: That is an extraordinary clever challenge. I will give you a bonus point for cleverness. But as Aimi does not play the game as often as you, I will leave the subject with her and tell her there are 49 seconds left for my favourite spring-time activity starting now.

AM: So I think the best way to exercise, you see, is to spring up and down. So I bought myself a trampoline and I get my trampoline out every morning and I get on...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Regrettably, repetition of trampoline.

CF: Oh mean!

NP: Yes she did repeat her trampoline more than once, so alas so Derek I agree, you take a point this time and the subject, with 41 seconds left, my favourite spring-time activity starting now.

DN: My favourite spring-time activity is Aimi Macdonald! Nothing I could imagine more beautiful on an April morning than to stroll through Regentís Park holding her close to me for a little occasional activity beside...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, why...

CF: Deviation!

NP: Why?

CF: You canít stroll holding someone close! You can stagger!

NP: Youíve never seen Derek Nimmo at his best obviously! I will give you a bonus point for cleverness Clement but leave the subject with Derek because we donít know how he manages to get through Regentís Park or any park with his particular activity. Twenty-eight seconds left Derek to continue starting now.

DN: I said to Aimi "would you mind...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition, heís already said Aimi.

NP: Yes! Yes!

DN: That is the subject on the card!

NP: No, no, itís the subject on your mind. Youíre quite right, Clement Freud, you have another point and you have 23 seconds left for my favourite spring-time activity starting now.

CF: My favourite spring-time activity is Kenneth Williams! Thereís no better time of year...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation!

NP: The audience entirely agrees...

CF: Youíve hurt him! Youíve hurt him!

KW: Youíve hurt me! Heís wounded me Nicholas! Thatís very wounding!

NP: It wasnít, it was the audience...

KW: Oh thatís very wounding!

NP: I donít know what you and Kenneth do in the spring-time but it sounds utterly devious! And I think this moral-minded audience considers it devious! So I can only give Derek a point and say there are 15 seconds left for the subject Derek starting now.

DN: And I quote to her those wonderful words of that marvellous man, Oliver Cromwell, who said...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald youíve challenged.

AM: Deviation, heís talking about Oliver Cromwell again.

NP: Well he was actually quoting the words...

DN: To Aimi Macdonald who is my favourite spring-time activity.

NP: You see! And heís only quoting here Aimi so itís a very clever try, but alas it means that Derek has another point, and 10 seconds left to continue with his favourite spring-time activity starting now.

DN: Who said no man goes so high as he who knows not where heís going. Which always proves the extreme modesty of the man. And I...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why have you challenged?

KW: I canít let that pass! I mean heís attributing modesty to Oliver Cromwell! Thatís deviation! The man was a conceited old faggot!

NP: Ah history can only report these things and your interpretation of Cromwell is one. Others may have another. I will put this one to the audience to decide whether they agree on your judgement of Oliver Cromwell. If you agree with Kenneth Williamsí judgement on Cromwell, cheer. If you disagree boo and do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yeah I think the cheers have it!

NP: Kenneth Williams gets a point and the subject of my favourite spring-time activity, three seconds left starting now.

KW: Running barefoot through the grass, smelling the dew in the morning...

WHISTLE

NP: As Kenneth Williams was speaking once again when the whistle went he gains an extra point and he still keeps the lead, one in front of Derek Nimmo who is one in front of Clement Freud. Derek will you begin the next round, the subject is good plots. Will you speak for Just A Minute on that starting now.

DN: Good plots are not necessarily good because theyíre successful. I mean an arch-monarchist like Kenneth Williams for instance might think the deeds of Charles the First fairly admirable. When spirred on by that awful wife of his, Henrietta Maria, he went down to the House of commons to arrest his five arch-enemies, Hampden, Hollis, Pym, Hampton and that awful man Strode. But there had been a counter-plot against them and this had been from a lady in the Queenís Bedchamber who had warned them to fly. And guarded by the men of the City of London, they disappeared. But this is what a man like Kenneth Williams would consider to be a good plot...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of Kenneth Williams.

NP: Yes! There was a repetition and though we all feel we canít have too much of Kenneth Williams, in Just A Minute you can. And you have 25 seconds left for good plots starting now.

CF: Gabriella Isabelle, Arch-Duchess of the Austro-Romanian Empire had it silently along the third floor of a place towards the bedchamber...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Heís not talking about good plots.

NP: Well I think from the way he was talking this was a very good historical plot. It sounded very sinister and...

KW: Yes it did, didnít it! Yes!

NP: ...although it wasnít established, it was working up to...

KW: Working up to it, he was! You could tell! Yes! I was throbbing in empathy!

NP: I think youíd better keep quiet about your spring-time activity Kenneth!

KW: Sorry! Sorry dear! Sorry! Sorry Nicholas dear!

NP: Look you donít call me dear and Clement Freud as well!

KW: Sorry! Oh no! No! Sorry!

NP: There are... Clement Freud has another point...

CF: I get jealous!

NP: And there are 13 seconds left for good plots starting now.

CF: Opening the door of Prince Franceís bedchamber, she took...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of bedchamber.

NP: Yes! You did say bedchamber. There are nine seconds, Derek Nimmo, good plots starting now.

DN: Some of the best plots are to be found in a cemetery called Forest Lawn in California. They are very expensive but if you could enrol for one at the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, there are three seconds left for good plots Clement starting now.

CF: Take this, you swine, she said...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement was speaking when the whistle went so he now has a small lead of two over the others. Kenneth would you begin the next round for us, the subject is the ballet. Will you talk on that without demonstarting we hope for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This is where you get your entrechat meaning of course your opening chat, and of course your veletto mains...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi why have you challenged?

AM: Um lies, well deviation...

NP: Deviation, why love?

AM: Well enterchat doesnít mean opening chat.

NP: Of course it doesnít mean opening chat, youíre quite right. As a dancer we must bow to you on this Aimi. So we give you the subject, 52 seconds left for the ballet starting now.

AM: Well the ballet is a beautiful thing. And I love to go and watch it actually. I sit there getting quite entranced by the whole thing and carrying myself off into the distance thinking about...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?


CF: Carrying yourself off into the distance!

KW: Really! Thatís absolutely impossible, isnít it! Yes! She sits there talking a load of rubbish!

NP: Yes as you cannot physically carry yourself off into the distance, it is a devious thought. I give Clement a bonus point for a clever challenge, leave the subject with Aimi, 37 seconds left for the ballet starting now.

AM: And I watch people flitting across the stage with effortless grace. The only thing it does do to me which isnít really very adorable...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, weíre not discussing what it does to her, the subject is ballet.

NP: Well sheís still talking about the ballet.

AM: Iím still talking about it!

NP: Sheís describing this particular...

KW: Sheís already said she carried herself off! Weíve had all her emotions! We all know about that!

NP: It has such a, the ballet has such an impact on her that obviously she has more than one emotion.

KW: Sheís a deviator! And you know it! So why donít you come out in the open and admit it!

NP: Iím not going to admit my personal relations with Aimi Macdonald on this programme! No I think sheís still on the subject of the ballet and she has 26 seconds for it starting now.

AM: The only thing it does do is make me cry! And this I find really not very lovely. Because I make an awful lot of noise when I cry...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Weíre still on her reaction and not the ballet at all!

NP: No but sheís also saying....

AM: Iím watching the ballet! This is all happening when Iím watching it, you see!

KW: Oh itís ludicrous! I mean! You could say that about any subject!

NP: I know, you can take any subject and treat it in exactly the way, the same way that Aimi is doing it. You could have had her for crying, she said cry twice.

KW: Yes! Thatís what I meant! Repetition I meant! Yes repetition!

NP: Aimi Macdonald has another point...

KW: Oooooh!

NP: And there are 17 seconds left for the ballet Aimi starting now.

AM: My favourite ballerina was Yulaniver. I saw her dance Giselle when I was very very young and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition, very very.

KW: Yes! Very very young! Yes!

DN: Oh really!

KW: Yes!

NP: I think itís being very ungallant...

DN: Terribly ungallant!

NP: ... if you want to stress something as we...

DN: But typical of him!

NP: ... havenít usually had this...

DN: But itís not unexpected!

KW: Give it to him, heís hardly said a word, has he?

NP: She was not only very young, she was very very young...

AM: Yes thatís different!

NP: Which describes a different state of youth!

KW: Rubbish! Itís still repetition! What are you talking about! Youíre partisan!

NP: Aimi Macdonald is so young looking, she would have to say very very to establish...

KW: Itís obvious youíre in cahoots with her! Heís in cahorts with her! Innee! How does she get on the show in the first place? Oooh! Yes! Sheís giving him the chase!

NP: She danced her way on! Didnít you!

KW: Oh Iíve never heard anything like it!

NP: Aimi, nine seconds left for the ballet starting now.

AM: The part that sticks to my mind particularly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes this time I must...

AM: Hesitation?

DN: No!

AM: Oh!

NP: I must say in giving this decision I gave the benefit of the doubt to Aimi last time because I havenít usually upheld a very very before. This time I think there was hesitation so to be quite fair I give it to Clement Freud, another point, eight seconds left for the ballet Clement starting now.

CF: When I was only fairly young, I went to see Capelia at Covent Garden. And a more beautiful creation I have yet to encounter. The fair...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went then, he gets that extra point. And it means now that he is exactly equal alongside Derek Nimmo. And Aimi Macdonald has scored quite a few points. Sheís danced her way up from the back alongside Kenneth Williams into second place. Aimi your turn to begin, weíre going to hear your voice again, how lovely!

DN: Mmmmm!

NP: Can you dance this one for us too? The subject is what thrills me. Sixty seconds, starting now.

AM: Well looks of things thrill me actually.... The...

BUZZ

CF: That was very gallant!

KW: That was very gallant, that was, wasnít it! Yes heís a gent, he is, isnít he! Oh great gent!

NP: Will you keep quiet? Derek Nimmo, you got in there first, what...

DN: Hesitation was what I was going to say.

NP: Hesitation, it was a complete dry-up! Well Aimi Iím fascinated to know what the biggest of all must be because it completely stopped you in your tracks! Fifty-five seconds left Derek for what thrills me starting now.

DN: One of the things that really thrills is me being on a programme like this with such exciting people. Like Kenneth Williams, whoís always good for a giggle! And old Clement Freud over there! And there, Ian Messiter who never says a word but stands there holding his watch and blowing his whistle. And dear Nicholas Parsons! That wonderful example of clean limbed English middle aged youth! But of course the most exciting thing of all is the lovely, the beautiful, the absolutely magnificent Aimi Macdonald, who sits beside me covered in jewels, with blonde hair, looking like Aphrodite rising from the sea off the coast of Pathos in Cyprus. I feel like a fisherman, watching this wondrous nymph rising into the air, and I think "Oh my God...

WHISTLE

NP: An extraordinary well deserved two points! And...

DN: Flattery gets you somewhere!

NP: And one for when the whistle went! And none of us dared challenge him when he was paying such nice and rude compliments to us all! Derek Iím going to ask you to continue talking because itís your turn to go again. The subject is turning turtle. Sixty seconds starting now.

DN: Well I turned turtle only once. It was a most alarming experience. The first thing I knew about it was when a piece of hard skin appeared on the small of my back. I first thought it was a wart but I went along to my doctor. By this time it had grown to the size of a large toadstool. The surgeon said you are turning into a turtle. I said Iím very...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AM: Because nobody ever, telling me heís turning into a turtle...

NP: I quite agree, he could not possibly turn into a turtle. So Aimi you have 37 seconds for turning turtle starting now.

AM: I was walking through my garden one day. The trees were all in bloom and the birds were singing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well, deviation it hasnít got anything to do with...

AM: Well I havenít got to the turtle yet.

NP: I could believe she could turn turtle walking through her garden with the trees all in bloom. Aimi you have another point, 31 seconds left for turning turtle starting now.

AM: As I was looking at my feet and kicking my way along the path, I suddenly came across a very strange object. Whereupon I looked at this thing and thought to myself oh! A turtle, I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, if she knew it was a turtle, it wasnít strange!

KW: True! True! True! True!

NP: It was obviously very starnge for Aimi to see a turtle in her garden! I donít think she finds turtle sin her gardens regularly! And so I believe it was a strange experience for her, and so she has 16 seconds for turning turtle starting now.

AM: I only thought it was a turtle. I di..

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well you see, repetition of turtle. Weíve had too many turtles now.

NP: Weíve had too many turtles, yes. So Derek you have 13 seconds for turning turtle starting now.

DN: Out in Chichester Harbour I sailed in my little dinghy. Itís called Aharem. And there the most extraordinary thing happened to me! A wind blew up, a 5-7 gale! And over I went...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation, he hasnít mentioned anything about turtles, heís talking about boats and winds...

NP: I know! But he was just going to say he turned turtle in his boat! You see? So Derek has another point with four seconds left, turning turtle starting now.

DN: And as the chairman said, I then turned turtle into the sea...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition, youíve just said that!

NP: Yes Iíve just said that!

DN: But I havenít!

NP: Weíve had far too many turning turtles already, I think, so Clement Freud has another point and two seconds left starting now.

CF: Come into the garden more...

WHISTLE

NP: I would like to establish that I think Clement got that extra point very very justifiably at the end. And heís now three points behind Derek whoís still in the lead. And we continue with Clement Freud and the subject is school plays starting now.

CF: When I played the part of Anthony, Cleopatra was performed by a boy called Pontefract Junior. And this was slightly difficult because he was in a lower form than I, and had halitosis...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi why have you challenged?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Oh I donít think so Aimi, no. Heís going rather slowly but he didnít actually hesitate, no. So 46 seconds left for school plays Clement starting now.

CF: And Pontefract came...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of Pontefract.

NP: Yes.

CF: No, Pontefract Minor, this was Pontefract!

DN: Well then you should have said Pontefract Senior!

CF: Different boy!

NP: It might be a, it might be a different boy but you repeated Pontefract, Derek Nimmo has a point and thereís 44 seconds left for school plays starting now.

DN: Thereís a play that Iíve always wanted to appear in, but my son appeared in it first. This is a play called The Scarlet Pimpernel. And I went to see him play Sir... Percy Blakely...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why...

AM: That was definitely hesitation!

NP: All right you donít need to rub it in....

DN: Course it is! Absolutely right! Sheís right!

NP: You have a point...

DN: Very good!

NP: And you have 32 secondsleft for school plays Aimi starting now.

AM: In my first school play, I played a bush. It was in MacBeth. And my part in the whole thing was to stand behind a bush...

BUZZ

AM: Oh!

NP: And Derek Nimmo...

AM: Repetition!

DN: Of bush.

NP: Of bush, yes. Iíd also thought being devious, if you were the bush how could you also stand behind it? So anyway Derek you have 21 seconds left for school plays starting now.

DN: In my very first school play I played a mushroom. And if youíve ever played one, you have to wear a very big straw hat. And then youíre covered from head to foot in brown stockingette. Then I had on some slippers. Now unfortunately I came on without one of my slippers and I got a laugh...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of slippers.

NP: Yes!

DN: Oh what a sad...

NP: There are six seconds left for you Clement on school plays starting now.

DN: Lovely story! Youíre most unkind! My story!

CF: And then he said "oh but we now had 1 ten thousandth of those men in England who do no work today...

WHISTLE

NP: A very exciting situation! Clement Freud is creeping up fast on Derek Nimmo, and heís now only two points behind him. Aimi is only trailing a little behind that and Kenneth is a little bit behind Aimi. Ah Kenneth will you begin the next round, my other self. Can you tell us all about it in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I can only assume this refers to my better self. Or as my cousins in Germany put it, mein viz rezeh. Oh what flotations this arouses. Oh how delighted I feel in turning, so to speak, the spot...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Absolute revulsion! The thought of there being another self remotely like Kenneth Williams! Deviation! Repetition if there are two! And hesitation because it fills me with such horror!

KW: Go on! Those he reigns upon me!

NP: Yes! And Kenneth Williams has another point, I disagree entirely, 39 seconds left for my other self Kenneth starting now.

KW: It would be said properly, that it dwells, so to speak, upon an intellectual plain, a place where I...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Er a nervous thumb! I mean I didnít mean to!

NP: Kenneth Williams you have another point and there are 28 seconds left for my other self starting now.

KW: A level of fancy upon which I can soar to heights which no known limitations in the physical world! I can become the principal dancer in the Spectre dela Rose, and the Petal School, and all over...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AM: Well deviation, because heís talking about his other self but if he put his mind to it, he could do it, all that, as himself now!

KW: I could do the Spectre dela Rose? You must be mad! Sheís stark raving bonkers!

AM: Or something like that!

NP: I think itís a very clever challenge, Aimi, yes! I must explain to the listeners that Kennethís about to get up and... Heís just given us a very good example of how he does the Spectre dela Rose. So obviously Aimi must have a point. So she takes over the subject and there are 14 seconds left Aimi for my other self starting now.

AM: My other...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth, Clement Freud challenged. Why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

AM: Iím only breathing!

KW: Not good enough dear! Iím sorry! Not good enough!

NP: So Clement you take over the subject with 13 seconds for my other self starting now.

CF: Itís an astonishing thing that every time I look into a mirror, there it is! I lift my arm...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Thatís not his other self, deviation, thatís his reflection.

NP: It is a very clever challenge, I quite agree Derek. There are seven seconds left for my other self starting now.

DN: Being a schizophrenic, I must tell you about the trouble with my other self. I went to see my psychiatrist the other day...

WHISTLE

NP: Derekís thwarted revelation there means that he takes the extra point when the whistle went. And also unfortunately that is the end of this particular edition of Just A Minute. So I must give you the final score. Kenneth Williams was only just in fourth place, about two points behind Aimi Macdonald. Aimi was a few points behind Clement Freud, who was in second place. But by a clear three point lead was this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! we do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.