JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,GJones
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 February 1970)

NOTE: Derek Nimmo's 50th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard, we are delighted to welcome back Geraldine Jones to our programme, looking extraordinarily pretty I must tell all the listeners. I am going to ask all four of them to speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. If one of their opponents thinks theyíre guilty they may challenge them and if I uphold their challenge, they gain a point. And if I donít a point will go to whoever is speaking. Kenneth Williams, will you begin. The subject is Constantinople. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ohhhh the glorious natural sight as the ship comes into the harbour. Ah the minorets and the turrets and the great Dome of St Upia. Ohhhhhh the joy that I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was hesitation, but somebody put you off, Kenneth.

KW: I said oh twice, I suddenly realised it.

NP: Oh I see, we thought you were, you were hesitating. Right so Clement there was hesitation, you get a point and there are 37 seconds for Constantinople starting now.

CF: If you go to the city of Istanbul, many people will remember when that same place was called Constantinople. And there are those who have lived in one town and moved to the other without ever leaving their own house. This is a...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GERALDINE JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, he was so overcome with his cleverness! Oh isnít that brilliant, they thought to themselves!

CF: Oh I thought it was a groan of boredom!

NP: No, it wasnít! They were deeply impressed with you! Theyíve all become your fans Clement. So there are 21 seconds left, Geraldine now gets a point and takes over the subject, Constatinople starting now.

GJ: My first acquaintance with this word was like many others as a small child, when some fool came up to me and said "Constantinople is a very hard word, spell it!" And of course I being an extremely precocious child had absolutely no difficulty...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of child.

NP: Yes alas, you did bring your childhood in more than once! So Clement you get another point and nine seconds for Constantinople starting now.

CF: In this gay city of wide streets...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of city.

NP: Yes because he talked about the city of Constantinople and Istanbul. So Derek you get another point and there are seven seconds left for Constantinople starting...

DN: I went to this jewellers shop. It produced this very nice blue-green...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well a jewellers shop is nothing to do with Constantinople.

DN: Can I justify it?

NP: But it might well be in Constantinople. You must give him a chance to finish his sentence Kenneth. So all that happens is that Derek gets a point...

KW: Well Iíd like to hear this justification!

NP: Well all right, quickly Derek.

DN: Do I do it within my time, or...

NP: No, you just say, finish your sentence.

DN: Well I went into the jewellers shop and I produced a lovely blue-green, bluey-green stance and I said I canít stand an opal, Iíd much rather have another...

NP: Satisfied, Kenneth?

KW: No, thatís very good!

DN: Iíd have got to the end of my nine seconds by now!

NP: Well I think the only fair thing to do is I thought it was only going to be half a sentence. But you have taken five seconds at least to say that so I decide that you got to the end and you got the bonus point.

KW: Hear hear! Well done!

NP: Derek Nimmo would you begin the next round with the subject of tall stories. Sixty seconds starting now.

DN: A tall story is one which is supposed to be true but is probably apocrypal. I might...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones youíve challenged, why?

GJ: Deviation, I donít believe thereís a word... well... what he said! he meant to say apocryphal...

NP: What did he say?

CF: Apocrypal!

GJ: Apocrypal!

DN: Did I really?

CF: Yes!

KW: Oh thatís very sharp of you to...

NP: Yes! Yes Geraldine you gain a point because I agree with your challenge, there are 55 seconds left for tall stories starting now.

GJ: The best tall stories are of course those that you donít realise are tall...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. I quite agree Derek, you got straight back, you get a point, you have 50 seconds for tall stories starting now.

DN: A yarn that was told me that is supposed to be true was of a nun, a Sister of Mercy, arriving in a jeep in the Libyan Desert when she rang out of petrol. She walked to a nearby oasis...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, it wasnít the nun who ran out of petrol, it was the jeep!

KW: Oh you are clever! Oh glorious!

NP: Clement Freud you take a point for that and there are 43 seconds left for tall stories starting now.

CF: Hans Anderson wrote one which was placed in a balloon. And as it passed the garden populated by children, one said "oh look, it is three feet up". And the other said "more like six inches!" "Seven metres" replied another. "No, eight miles...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Well this may be one tall story but itís not really about tall stories in general.

CF: Hans Anderson wrote tall stories in general.

NP: Yes but you dwelt on one tall story for some considerable time...

DN: But they were all different heights!

NP: All different heights! Very clever Clement Freud. But Iím sorry you made your point, I quite agree, so you take the point and there are 24 seconds left for tall stories starting now.

CF: A furlong up and yet...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of measurements!

NP: That is a clever idea and Iíve not allowed it before because you can have a repetition of ifs, a repetition of ands, a repetition of any quantities of things. So all I will say is that Iím not going to give any points for that and say there are 21 seconds for tall stories Clement starting now.

CF: Was another volume of stories tall and beautiful, amongst which the Princess and the Monk was perhaps the most beautiful. He...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of beautiful.

NP: Yes indeed heís right and Derek you take over the subject, gaining another point of course, 10 seconds left, tall stories starting now.

DN: So she attained a gallon of gasoline. But the only thing she could carry it back in was a childís potty. And when she got back she was just pouring it into the tank of the aforesaid car, a great big Cadillac...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Well yes he was trying to get the story out....

DN: In 10 seconds!

NP: It was really... so sad but Iím afraid according to the rules of the game, I have to award you a point Clement and say there are two seconds left for tall stories starting now.

CF: This caterpillar was huge!

WHISTLE

NP: As Clement was speaking when the whistle went then he gains yet another point and takes him a little further into the lead. Clement will you begin the next round for us, plastic gnomes. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The two that I most like is the baker-like model...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine why have you challenged?

GJ: You canít have the two is.

NP: Youíre picking him on a grammatical error?

GJ: A grammatical deviation!

NP: And I quite agree! You have a point and you have 55 seconds for plastic gnomes starting now.

GJ: I have a very good friend who bought several plastic gnomes because he lived in a block of flats where everyone took great pride in their gardens. And he felt that this really was a lot of ostentaion...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: I thought she said... deviation because if they were living in a block of flats they couldnít have a garden!

NP: Yes you do have gardens in some blocks of flats...

KW: Theyíre landscaped moreover!

DN: Where they had come from, they mustnít have had a garden!

NP: Uncomfortable but there is a garden...

DN: Can you imagine a...

KW: Donít argue with the chairman Derek! Thatís very naughty!

NP: There are... I know! You never do it, do you Kenneth!

KW: No I donít, thank you Nicholas!

NP: Geraldine has another point...

KW: Very rude! Please Derek, thatís awful!

NP: ... and there are very 45 seconds left for plastic gnomes starting now.

GJ: Instead of flowers he filled the garden with these quite hideous creatures with red caps and green jackets and blue trousers. And all his neighbours were absolutely furious because they thought it lowered the tone of what was otherwise a very nice bourgeois...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Snobbery!

NP: You can be as snobbish as you like as long as you keep playing the game! Geraldine you have another point, 34 seconds for plastic gnomes starting now.

GJ: I was very interested to find that the plastic gnomes took on a particular character, because they were living in this rather discriminatory...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: The plural of gnomes and the singular of character! Deviation!

KW: Oh yes! Thatís very clever! Very clever!

NP: The plural... Heís been absolutely narked ever since he was had on two ways. Heís been waiting for one challenge only, to get back on a singular plural! What was it, a charcater are? What was it again?

CF: Iíve forgotten! But the audience applauded, it must have been...

NP: If youíve forgotten, Geraldine has another point and...

CF: Oh no! Iíll tell you! Come on!

NP: Because I disagree...

KW: Oh you see! They donít like you now!

NP: What was your challenge Clement?

KW: Grammatical!

CF: A grammatical deviation!

NP: I know it was grammatical deviation but what was it?

CF: You should have listened!

NP: Clement Freud you have a point and there are 28 seconds left for plastic gnomes starting now.

CF: Rhododendrons are particularly good...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Rhododendrons are nothing to do with plastic gnomes. Deviation.

NP: Heís probably going to say... justify it in a second Clement?

CF: Particularly good flowers amongst which to place plastic gnomes! Much more suitable than daisies or watercress!

NP: No points given, 19 seconds left for plastic gnomes, Clement Freud, starting now.

CF: And mustard seed is ideal. Because a blue gnome in a yellow field of this...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Derek, 10 seconds left for plastic gnomes starting now.

DN: While weíre all wandering around talking about it, itís quite obvious that Kenneth Williams is a plastic gnome! Iíve always thought...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged.

KW: Deviation, it is perfectly obvious to this audience tonight that I am not a plastic gnome!

DN: Can we put it to the audience?

NP: Kenneth you have won, you have a point. Kenneth, five seconds left for plastic gnomes starting now.

KW: These are to be found in the Ideal Gnome Exhibition which...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged then, why? You did challenge, you thought he said something else so he gets an extra point...

KW: Isnít he mean though!

NP: So Kenneth has a point and there are two seconds left for ideal gnome... Iím sorry! Two seconds left for plastic gnomes starting now.

KW: And jelly gnomes for sadists to eat!

WHISTLE

NP: Geraldine Jones will you begin the next round. Industrial espionage. I donít know whether you know anything about it but could you try and talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

GJ: It has always struck me that industrial espionage is the only branch...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, it canít always have struck her! Not when she was three months old!

GJ: Oh Iím not...

NP: How do you know that at three months old the first thought that struck her though she wasnít able to put it into words might emotionally have been industrial espionage. When we are three months old our emotions are what givern us, not our intellects. And it might have been an emotional thought. Fifty-five seconds left for Geraldine Jones to continue with industrial espionage starting now.

GJ: Industry as a whole is terribly dreary and dismal and the only part of it that has any sort of drama at all is the spying part. Just imagine all those boring factories full of little men wearing dark glasses and astrocam collar coats, rushing around frantically snipping film and tiny tiny little cameras...

BUZZ

KW: What are you doing?

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Tiny tiny.

NP: Oh yes...

KW: Well it was lovely!

NP: It was lovely...

KW: It was just getting underway!

NP: But it was tiny tiny yes. The idea of them sniffing the film, I wondered why they did that!

DN: Snipping!

GJ: Snipping!

NP: Oh I thought it was sniffing the film! Anyway the tiny tiny gives Clement Freud another point and there are 36 seconds for industrial espionage starting now.

CF: The man called Arthur Bartlett was probably the most famous industrial spy...

BUZZ

NP: Clem... Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Arthur Bartlett is not the most famous industrial spy! Iíve never heard such a load of rubbish! Absolute rubbish!

NP: Iím quite prepared to believe he wasnít! Can you prove in two seconds that he was?

CF: Of course he was!

NP: Of course he wasnít! Thirty-four seconds left for Kenneth Williams to continue with industrial espionage starting now.

KW: This is the process by which, in a manner that can only be called subterfuge, people do find out secrets about recipes and then convey this information to other people who might find it useful. One of the principal agreements in lipstick is vegetable fat, and a friend of mine found in a cauldron of it a great rat! Ooohh he said, little do they know when they rub that on their lips thereís been a rat in the thing... oh Iíve got...

BUZZ

NP: Clement...

KW: Oh thatís terrible! But it was lovely wasnít it!

NP: Well you enjoyed it anyway! But you should keep going! Come on!

KW: Oh well I... I saw their faces, you know what I mean!

NP: I know!

KW: Oh heís like an inquisitor, he is, opposite!

NP: Theyíre all three like inquisitors when youíre talking! Clement Freud actually challenged you. Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Clement four seconds left for industrial espionage starting now.

CF: He snuck into this factory...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, I donít like the sound of snuck!

NP: Nor do I! What does it mean Clement?

CF: The past participle of sneaked!

NP: No, no that, that, that is snooked! Um I donít believe it is the participle of sneaked. Youíre...

IAN MESSITER: Old English dictionary, yes!

NP: It is! All right then Clement Freud gets the point. Ian Messiter knows his English better than I do. So there are... and thatís bad grammar too! Two seconds left for Clement to continue with industrial espionage starting now.

CF: Put his piece of wire into the plane...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freudís clever use of the English language gives him in the space of two seconds two points! He really has snucked himself up into a very definite lead at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, my worst moment, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: This happeend to me after a recording of this programme a few weeks ago. I went into a nearby hostelry with the bearded fellow sitting over there chattering to Kenneth Williams. And a man came over to this aforesaid Freud and said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He hasnít aforesaid Freud!

NP: Came over to...

CF: He was talking about a bearded fellow before!

NP: But he didnít! He actually...

CF: The aforesaid Freud...

NP: Yes but...

CF: ... implies that the word Freud has been previously mentioned!

NP: He established that he was talking about you who were sitting there with a beard, talking to Kenneth...

CF: In that case the aforesaid person but not aforesaid Freud!

NP: No you are Freud, your name is freud, isnít it! He established it was you...

CF: I admit it!

NP: Yes! Right! Thank you very much! Derek Nimmo has a point and there are 47 seconds left for my worst Freud, my... my worst moment starting now.

DN: And the chap came over to this fellow and said "ah I bet youíre surprised to see me here!" And when the chap had gone, the chap...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine youíve challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Geraldine you take over my worst moment with 40 seconds left starting now.

GJ: My worst moment took place a very short while ago when I was playing this game and suddenly it seemed that every single person in this theatre was against me! I made a perfectly valid point, and everyone agreed with these three men who outnumber me anyway. They have all the experience! They play week after week! And I come here hotfoot from my hard day at the office and try to play! And what happens? Theyíre all against me! And I go on! I donít think there should only be three things in this game to interrupt about...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well repetition of three. Three men opposite me and three feet or something, I think...

NP: I think it is such a heart rendering story Derek, that I am not going to let you have that challenge...

DN: Youíre not...

CF: A very good decision!

KW: Hear hear!

DN: Very good!

NP: Iím going to let Geraldine Jones continue and say there are nine seconds left Geraldine for my worst moment starting now.

GJ: There should be a fourth thing on which to break in on and that should be discrimination and then Iíd win hands down every week which is something...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, itís got nothing to do with my worst moment!

GJ: It all sprang from it, I... I can honestly...

NP: Sheís established...

KW: Sheís very worked up!

NP: Sheís very emotional! If she couldnít feel it so deeply, if it wasnít her worst moment, she really feels it very deeply and I quite agree, it obviously was her worst moment for quite a long time. Four seconds left Geraldine starting now.

GJ: I have no doubt at all that this moment will leave its traumatic impression on my mind forever...

WHISTLE

KW: Beautiful!

NP: Geraldineís worst moment has taken her into a very definite second place behind Clement Freud. Clement would you start the next round for us and the subject is a delightful one of you, Iím sure, omelettes. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: These are confections made of eggs to which other ingredients are added. And very few people know that ideally an omelette should be cooked slowly by the heat of the pan and not over a flame or an electric plate. What you do is get the utensil or...

BUZZ

NP: Derek, Derek Nimmo, youíve challenged. Why?

DN: Hesitation!

NP: Hesitation, yes, another interesting thing about this game is when they have a subject which they really know something about itís amazing how inhibited they can be and dry up! Derek you take over the subject of omelettes, 40 seconds left starting now.

DN: My favourite kind of omelette is a Spanish one, or tortilla, which you find all over the fair land of Spain. And when I go there itís filled with lovely cold potatoes and onions and egg of course all round the outside. And I go to a little local bar or hostelry and say (talks in Spanish) tortilla, pour favour?

BUZZ

DN: And they say "oh how nice you are! Hereís your old omelette!" And I take it away and put it on the lovely plate! And there with wine...

NP: Youíre challenged!

DN: What?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

DN: Why?

CF: Repetition of tortilla!

KW: Oh yes!

NP: Oh yes!

DN: Absolutely right yes!

NP: Oh theyíre getting magnanimous now and admitting their mistakes for the first time! There was too much tortilla, there are 23 seconds left for omelettes starting now.

CF: When the copper sotose has reached a sufficient...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: I thought I detected a hesitation!

NP: No I think it was a strange word he used.

DN: Well I am very sorry!

NP: Yes all right! Marvellous now isnít it! Clement Freud has another point and 19 and a half seconds left for omelettes starting now.

CF: The...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Well he didnít do anything! Hesitation!

NP: And Derek you now have 18 seconds in which to make an omelette starting now.

DN: So I got hold of this frying pan and I put it on top of the fire. And do you know, I poured the egg on top after cracking them very hard on the side of the pan. And then I sat down on a lovely table covered with the finest...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, sitting on a lovely table!

DN: At a lovely table!

CF: Then I sat down on...

DN: At a lovely table!

NP: He sat down on the lovely table!

DN: Did I really?

NP: Yes I think...

DN: Well I like sitting on tables! Itís the sort of thing we do...

NP: Clement Freud you have another point and five seconds left for omelettes starting now.

CF: Mushrooms, tomatoes and onions are the favourite fillings but cheese is coming up in the league table...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud has increased his lead just a little over Geraldine Jones. And Kenneth and Derek are trailing somewhat. Kenneth the subject is Hamlet. Can you discourse on that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This is one of Shakespeareís most brilliant morality plays. And I suppose that it does provide the sort of ambitious parts to which any young actor could become inflamed. And itís unique in so far as the author has given quite explicit instructions for the performer. Speak the speech, I pray you! As I pronounced it, trippingly on the tongue! Do not mouth it as some players do! I wouldnít say the town cryer spoke my lines, nor speak more than is set down, for there be some who will laugh on some barren quantity of spectators to laugh, though in the meantime some necessary question of the play may yet to be considered. Thatís Vilalus. And show the most pitiful ambition in the fool that uses it, pray you, avoid it...

BUZZ

NP: Yes! Derek Nimmo...

DN: Well...

NP: He said pray you avoid it, but you didnít, you challenged. Why?

DN: Well, repetition of ambition. Ambition at the beginning, ambition of any actor, ambition at the end of his speech.

NP: I think if you can keep going in this game with a speech of Hamletís and at the pace that Kenneth did it, he does deserve to get a point...

KW: Yes but if you can lose yours while all around are losing theirs, heís absolutely right! Heís got a good point! Heís right! Heís got a valid point! He was listening carefully! He was listening carefully and thatís how weíve got to play the game! Thatís right! No, give him his due! Give him his due! Thatís how you play the game!

NP: Theyíre all being so generous now! You really want me to give it to him? Iíve already awarded it to you, you can take it? They want, the audience want Kenneth to have it donít you? Kenneth you have your point, you have 17 seconds to continue with Hamlet starting now.

KW: And of course we all know it is largely around the question of doubt that the play hinges. Should I do such a thing or, not to use the word should, lest I be accused...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition, he did!

KW: Oh very annoying isnít it!

NP: I award a point to Derek Nimmo for his challenge, there are three seconds left for Hamlet Derek starting...

DN: Hamlet is a diminutive form of the Anglo-Saxon word ham meaning town...


WHISTLE

NP: Geraldine Jones will you take the next round please? In fact itís your turn to take the next round and the subject is stupidity which is not applied to you in any way. I canít think of why Ian Messiterís put it on the card for you to start with. But will you try and talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

GJ: Unlike our respected chairman I donít believe I need to be stupid in order to talk about stupidity. In fact it seems to me that the best qualified people to discuss this subject are those who are never ever guilty of it. Of these I am naturally one otherwise I wouldnít be able to speak for so many minutes without raising the smallest laugh because everybody knows that laughs are generally generated by something somehow or other stupid. Iím getting very stoney...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well deviation, sheís running herself down rotten!

NP: Yes but you canít just be devious because youíre running yourself down. Youíre allowed to do that. Now if you had said that it is devious because laughter is not always produced from something that is stupid, I think itís often produced from highly intelligent things, I would have agreed. But as you didnít I agree with Geraldine Jones, has another point, and there are 33 seconds left for stupidity Geraldine starting now.

GJ: The stupidity that we show in this game, of course, is a nice sort...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth... Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of game.

NP: Yes she did say game before because she was talking about it. Derek there are 30 seconds for you to take over stupidity starting now.

DN: I think the most interesting definition of this word is contained within the book of prophet Micah. Oh listen ye children of Israel. The most stupid of men are the most loved of the Lord Jehovah. And Iíve always found this to be a most interesting thought because itís helped me tremendously through life. Because I am blessed with stupidity. It has been my greatest natural asset. People look at me in the street and...

WHISTLE

NP: Never in a programme have I heard such baring of souls! Geraldine going about her worst moment! And Derek about his stupidity, Kenneth about his Hamlet and Clement telling us that he cannot make an omelette without drying up! So weíve now reached the end of yet another edition of Just A Minute. And a very interesting result. Kenneth was in fourth place, just behind Geraldine who was one point behind Derek Nimmo. But by a very definite lead, this weekís winner, Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.