JAM:PMerton,DNimmo,CFreud,JClary
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JULIAN CLARY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 March 1997)


Note: This was transcribed by Vicki Walker. Thank you Vicki! :-)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons and as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome not only our listeners but also the four exciting and dynamic entertainers who this week are going to play Just a Minute. We welcome two young comedians whoíve shown such outstanding ability, one of them in this particular show, that is Paul Merton, and Julian Clary, whoís only played the game once before. And with them, we have two of the oldest players of the game. Theyíve been with it since the show first began, contributed so well we canít let them go. They are Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. But would you please welcome all four of them! Sitting beside me is Elaine Wigley with a stopwatch to let me know how the seconds are ticking away, and when 60 seconds have passed, she will blow a whistle to let us know the end of that round. And this particular recording of Just a Minute is coming from the Jersey Arts Centre in St. Helier, the capital of this lovely island, during their magnificent festival. I understand there are more people of wealth who live in Jersey, and yet weíve never had such a big queue for the free seats! Let us begin the show this week with Paul Merton. And Paul, the subject, apt for Jersey Iím sure, cows. Can you tell us something about cows in Just A Minute starting now.

PAUL MERTON: There is no one thing more wonderful than a Jersey cow. Absolutely brilliant animal! It has a head, it has four legs that support the body, a tail at the back and itís not mad, unlike most of the cows that we have in Great Britain. Iíve been here for only for a short time and I have seen no cows riding motorbikes. I have not seen a heifer driving a minicab. This is surely concrete proof that these are the sanest cows in the world! Why, the Jersey cow lives on a diet of potatoes...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of Jersey.

NP: Yes, yes, because the cows are on the subject. But well done, well done. You know how to win friends and influence people here, yes. Whoever challenges and has a correct challenge gains a point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo, and so he takes over the subject. There are 29 seconds available for cows starting now.

DN: Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

DN: What's the matter?

NP: Diddle diddle. As youíve played the game so often, Derek, I have to give it against you. But that is the problem of Just A Minute. Clement, a correct challenge, 26 seconds, cows, starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: It is sort of unusual to be sitting in the Arts Centre in St. Helier on the island of Jersey and talk about Cowes, which is such a very amenable seaport in Wight, Hampshire...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JULIAN CLARY: I thought he was fumbling and hesitating.

NP: I think he was sort of running down a bit. Julian, Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Iíll find a way to give the benefit of the doubt to Clement later. Cows is with you, Julian, 13 seconds starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Iíd like the benefit of the doubt.

NP: You very cleverly got it back again, Clement. So a point to Julian, a point to Clement. Twelve seconds are left on cows, with you Clement, starting now.

CF: At Portsmouth you get onto a ferry, and within about 25 minutes you arrive at Cowes, where awfully nice people from Avon welcome you and lead you to their chips and butties...

WHISTLE

NP: That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud, so he is in the lead at the end of the first round. Derek, will you take the next round? The subject: farce. Will you tell something about farce, youíre a great exponent of it, I know. Talk on it please, 60 seconds, starting now.

DN: Farce is a kind of popular comedy which often involves a deal of horseplay and physical humour. If it descends too much in that direction, it becomes burlesque and has no truth, which farce really should have. I suppose the first plays written for farce purely were in France, in the 14th and 15th century. This was taken up by the British cathedrals, and itís interesting to know that the first comic character in British history was Mrs Knerr...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Repetition of British, Iím afraid.

NP: Yes, and first.

CF: And first.

NP: Yes. So 31 seconds, Paul, a correct challenge. You take over the subject farce, starting now.

PM: I believe it is a very difficult art form to write and act and direct, produce, that kind of thing. It, eh, oh...

BUZZ

NP: Clement, you challenged, yes?

PM: I got bored!

CF: That sort of thing.

NP: Another point for a correct challenge and 22 seconds left on farce, with you Clement, starting now.

CF: Farce is what the French call stuffing. You put it inside a chicken or piece of meat. Onions, shallots, garlic...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: I think he was riding a laugh, but I mean itís awfully difficult. I was very harsh with him a little while ago. I donít think I shall be so harsh this time. So thatís being, no, thatís giving him the benefit of the doubt. Uh, 14 seconds, still with you, Clement, farce, starting now.

CF: Any sort of herb or spice is useful for farce. I would go for...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: I donít know what heís talking about. What, what does he mean?

NP: Itís the stuffing you put into animals when youíre cooking them.

JC: Called farce? Oooh, isnít it educational? Whoíd have thought? Want to know more about your liking stuffing.

NP: Seven seconds, Clement, on farce, starting now.

CF: The farce is also the name given to a comedy in which people drop their...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of name. Name the French...

NP: Yes, thatís right, the name the French give. Iím sorry, Clement, against you on this occasion. Three seconds, well listened, Derek, farce, starting now.

DN: Cash on Delivery is a Ratius Cooley farce which has opened at the Whitehall Theatre...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. Heís now in second place. Clement Freud is in a strong lead, Julian Clary follows and it is his turn to begin and the subject is, Julian, dealing with a crisis. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

JC: The best way to deal with a crisis is to ask a policeman. I recently had trouble with my big end on the M25. I simply stuck my arm out and along came a policeman. I said, "Could I trouble you..."

BUZZ

NP: Um, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Ah, repetition of policeman.

JC: There were two of them!

DN: Oh, I see.

NP: Forty-seven seconds with you, Derek, dealing with a crisis.

DN: I was faced with a crisis very early on in life, when my wendy house got a direct hit from an incendiary bomb in 1942. I rushed out and with my sister we grabbed hold of a stirrup pump and a bucket of water and we turned to this little hut which was now in blazing fire and squirted water at it until finally... it was extinguished...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: There was a hesitation there!

NP: There was a hesitation, wasnít it?

DN: Drama! That was drama! Donít you understand? A very dramatic moment.

NP: That is part...

DN: Youíve never seen your wendy house go up in flames! You donít know what it was like!

NP: That is part of the challenge of Just A Minute. Yes, you canít pause for drama and you canít pause when you have a laugh because you have to ride your way through it. Eh Paul, I agree with the challenge. Twenty-six seconds, dealing with a crisis, starting now.

PM: So there I was, up to my neck in muck and bullets when suddenly I realized an earthquake was coming my way. Already the hotel was underwater because it had fallen off the cliff into the sea earlier. Which was lucky because it had put out the fire that had been going in the foyer. So as the earthquake took hold, suddenly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo. Derek, your challenge please?

DN: Two earthquakes.

NP: Yes, there were.

DN: Sorry.

NP: Nine seconds, Derek, dealing with a crisis, starting now.

DN: I took my granddaughter and grandson out last week to a friendís house for lunch and a little boy went up to the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of house.

NP: House.

CF: He had a wendy house before.

NP: You had a wendy house before.

DN: Wendy house is a...

NP: No, itís two words. Two words.

DN: Wendy house is hyphenated!

NP: Theyíll try anything, wonít they? Clement, I agree with your challenge. Three seconds are left, dealing with a crisis, starting now.

CF: The very best way to deal with a crisis is very gently.

WHISTLE

NP: Clement, you have got more points for speaking as the whistle went, er I say a point, but you have more points in the round and you have increased your lead over Derek Nimmo, whoís in second place, and itís also your turn to begin. The subject is crops. Sixty seconds, crops, Clement, starting now.

CF: I would like to begin by speaking about the rotation of crops, but feel that this might be repetitious. And therefore wheat, maize, rye, fruit, rice. Now, thereís very little of the latter crop on these islands because it doesnít rain enough. But if you had such a substance and it came from the paddy fields in the region of St. Clements, I do recommend that you cook it with the utmost care. Begin with butter, margarine or olive oil...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: So this is a recipe now, is it?

NP: Yes. Deviating from crops.

PM: From crops.

NP: Twenty six seconds for you on crops, Paul, starting now.

PM: Crops circles have made a bit of an impact in the last five years in the British countryside. And you see these patterns off in the wheat, which looks like something from outer space has created a marvelous geometric shape. Actually, what it is, itís two old men and a plank and a bit of wood and a cat that doesnít know any better. They go out every Saturday night and actually flatten the farmerís field as far as the eye can see...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton kept going till the whistle went. Heís still in third place behind Derek Nimmo, who is behind our leader, Clement Freud. And if you wonder why they laugh occurred when they first started speaking then, itís because Clement tried to inhibit them by staring down his neck. Paul, it is your turn to begin. The subject is monsters. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

PM: I was watching a film on Channel Four the other night, Son of Frankenstein, made in 1939. A wonderful movie in many ways, and I enjoy watching these theatrical releases from long ago because quite often thereís a very funny line which I find amusing but itís clearly meant to be dramatic. And in the film I mentioned earlier, the one-armed policeman turns to...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Claryís...

JC: Weíve two films.

PM: Oh, yes.

NP: Yes, well listened, Julian. Julian, you have a correct challenge Ė a point, of course. Thirty-eight seconds are available on monsters, starting now.

JC: Thereís some awfully ugly creatures that live deep down in the sea, and if you go out on a boat far off into the horizon and you stick your rod out and reel out the line, who knows what you might pull in? And you hold it up to the line and think, "Oh, I donít like the look of that, thatís monstrous," youíll say to yourself. So youíll throw it over your shoulder and youíll try again. Maybe next time it wonít be quite so monstrous. Thatís the moral of this...

BUZZ

NP: Um, ah, Derek challenged.

DN: Repetition of monstrous before.

NP: Yes. Eleven seconds, Derek, on monsters, starting now.

DN: Robert Maxwell, who used to Ė

BUZZ

NP: And Paulís challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, for once he didnít start rapidly. Strange for you, you usually start before I say now. Paul, a correct challenge. Monsters, starting now.

PM: If you can remember what I was saying earlier, the policeman then says "One does not easily forget an arm torn off by the root, Herr Frankenstein." To which the doctor then said, "More brandy."

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton with his monsters has moved forward. Heís equal with Derek Nimmo in second place, just behind our leader, whoís still Clement Freud. Julian follows, and Derekís turn to begin. Derek, a haven. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now?

DN: Well, that does seem to be a singularly appropriate subject for being in Jersey, which is one of the more attractive havens for financial management in the whole wide world. There are safe places, supposedly like the Cayman Islands. I would serious and recommend indeed...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

DN: Whatís the matter?

JC: Well, youíre hesitating and fumbling.

DN: Both my hands are on the table.

JC: So they are.

NP: So Julian, what do you think the challenge was?

JC: Hesitate.

NP: Hesitate. You thought it was hesitating.

JC: I thought so, but I might be wrong.

NP: I think you were, actually, yes. Derek, 39 seconds still available on a haven, starting now.

DN: Sixty banks exist on this isle. Thereís a Standard Chartered, Hong Kong and Shanghai, National Westminster, Barclayís... whatís the matter? ... Why, they are, yes.

BUZZ

NP: Umm, Clement.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Deviation, youíve gone off, all the banks and so forth. So Clement, a correct challenge. Twenty-seven seconds are available for haven, starting now.

CF: One of the most interesting things about a tax haven is the number of banks which you have to have in order to accommodate those people who use your island for the purpose described. Panama, exactly...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Heís deviating now, going on about banks.

NP: Yes. Heís talking more about banks than a haven, yes.

JC: Yes.

NP: Fourteen seconds are available. A haven, starting now.

JC: The most beautiful haven Iíve ever been to is the Maldive Islands where there are no banks whatsoever. Itís beautiful...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Thereís a branch of Barclayís there.

NP: Well, as I havenít yet been to the Maldives and I canít vouch for that fact, Julian, Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt and seven seconds for Julian Clary to continue on a haven, starting now.

JC: There is snowy white beaches and palm trees and the occasional coconut will fall, plop!

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Clementís challenged.

CF: Heís talking about beaches and coconuts, not havens.

NP: I think the picture of beaches with coconuts is a, conjures up to my mind a most idyllic...

CF: Not banks?

NP: And so Julian ÷

JC: Not banks!

CF: Not banks, no, beaches...

DN: How can a beach be a haven?

JC: Well, to some people a bank on a beach would be a haven!

NP: I think an escapist attitude is what weíre looking for in a haven and thatís what Julian was conveying to my mind. And heís another point and he has half a second on a haven starting now.

JC: Finchley...

WHISTLE

NP: So Julianís haven kept him going until the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. He also gained a number of points in the round and he is now in second place, only one behind Clement Freud. But itís a very even contest because Derek Nimmo and Paul Merton are only one point behind him, equal in third place. And Clement, your turn to begin. The subject: Jersey Lily. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: Jersey Lily was the name by which Mrs. Langtry was known in England, which is quite absurd because she came from Guernsey, which I think everybody knows. Nevertheless, Jersey Lily it was and Edward the Seventh had an absolutely rotten time trying to justify the relationship, especially in the light of Jersey Lilyís husband, who lost in turn his wife, his money and his reputation and went whence we do not know. Whither, I should have said, dang it. Jersey Lily is the sort of subject on which you long to be interrupted...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Clementís dream has come true!

NP: Right. So that was deviation, talking about being interrupted and not talking about Jersey Lily. So Paul, you have the subject of Jersey Lily and there are 21 seconds left starting now.

PM: Well, as Clement said, she was the mistress of Edward the Seventh. And he used to specialise in getting in and out of musicals round the backway. Thereís a place in Islington where thereís a pine shop opposite the road from where there used to be a big big variety thing...big, big...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Clement, you challenged on the big big.

CF: Big big.

NP: Right. Eight seconds, Jersey Lily, starting now.

CF: The interesting Ė

BUZZ

NP: And Paul, yes.

PM: Well, deviation! He said he didnít want the subject and then he challenged me! Thatís surely very devious!

CF: I wanted the point.

NP: Ah, no, it isnít, because in Just a Minute, you may not want the subject, but you have to keep going on it if you want to play the game. And Clement obviously likes to play the game. Seven seconds, Jersey Lily, Clement, starting now.

CF: One of the interesting things about Jersey Lily was she used to be paid 60 percent of the total box office take. She was that...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud gained the extra point speaking as the whistle went and others in the round. He has increased his lead. Paul Merton, your turn to begin. The subject: keeping mum. Will you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

PM: Nicholas Parsons once told me that he liked to dress up in leather, wander around Piccadilly Circus shouting at the top of his voice, "Who wants to be naughty with a pensioner?" Now, he told me this in strict secrecy and I said, "Well, of course I will keep mum..."

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Oh, I felt sorry for you. Thatís very deviant, isnít it?

NP: It is very, very devious, yes. And, um, certainly incorrect, so it must be deviant. Forty-five seconds...

PM: It brings a smile to your face when you start thinking about it, though, doesnít it?

JC: Have you got the leather gear with you here in Jersey? We'll go out later if you like!

NP: Julian, 45 seconds with you, keeping mum, starting now.

JC: I keep my mum in a home for the bewildered. Twice a week I have a cleaner come round and her mum sleeps on the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Clement, a correct challenge. Twenty-three seconds, keeping mum, starting now.

CF: I would recommend that you go to a tax haven like Jersey or Guernsey, Panama, the Cayman Islands and set up a veritable trust fund, redeemable and full of interest so that your mother will be paid regular sums of money on quarter days which are, as you probably know, June the 24th...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, Clement Freud has now increased his lead and Julian Clary, Derek Nimmo and Paul Merton are almost equal in second place. Derek Nimmo, Adonis is the subject. Will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now?

DN: Adonis was the beloved of Aphrodite, who rose from the sea offshore at Pathos in Cyprus, known by the Greeks as, or by the Romans, come to think of it, as Venus. You see, itís rather nice to think about that. And poor oooooooold fellow, he was killed by a...

BUZZ

DN: What's the matter?

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: He hesitated.

NP: Yes, on that "ooooooooooooold." I interpret that as hesitation, Julian. Forty-three seconds are available on Adonis, starting now.

JC: Adonis is a gay club in Blackpool. It costs 6 pounds to get in, although itís 5 pounds on a Wednesday, 3 pounds 50 if youíre a student. Iíve been to Adonis regularly and the music there is marvelous. You can really get down to it on their floor, which is what I do. I dress in leather... And I've got...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Paul, I agree with the challenge. Nineteen seconds available, Adonis, starting now.

PM: Nicholas Parsons is the finest Adonis that Britainís ever produced. He may be an OAP, he may be past it, he may be senile, he may be all these things...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

PM: I donít care how many people challenge, I won't be stopped!

NP: ... challenged, Derek Nimmo challenged. I donít know why. I have a little system of little lights in front of me which shows me who has challenged first and on that occasion, all the lights went on. But Clement, yours came on first.

CF: Four maybes.

NP: Oh, I know. What a pity, right, so there we are. Nine seconds with you, Clement, on Adonis, starting now.

CF: It was not until I heard Julian Claryís definition that it occurred to me that Adonis is an anagram of Any Sod, provided you spell...

WHISTLE

NP: I donít know why youíre clapping that, but Clement Freud kept going till the whistle went, and has increased his lead even further. But Paul Merton, Derek Nimmo and Julian Clary are definitely equal in second place, but only a few points behind. Julian, your turn to begin. The subject: genius.

JC: Genius is anyone who has obtained a certain level of excellence in their chosen field. Gazza, for example, is a genius at football. In the bedroom department, I think Rumbelows are the genius that we must look to. Itís very difficult to say. There are certain tests that you can take to establish whether or not you are a genius. But who sets these papers? Thatís what I want to know. No one can tell me. I've inquired. I've been on to Directory Inquiries saying, "I want to know how to become a genius," and they said, "Well, I canít help you. Have you tried Yellow Pages?" Well, I looked it up under G. Genius, g-string, Guernsey, Guernsey Gertie! She might be able to help you...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of Guernsey.

NP: Fourteen seconds with you, Paul, on genius, starting now.

PM: I think itís very much an overused word. You hear about some disc jockey whoís described as a genius because he manages to talk for 30 seconds between playing records and I think the actual term genius could be applied...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of think.

NP: Yes, I think so.

PM: Oh, was it, oh.

NP: Quite a tough challenge, but itís a correct one. Derek, you got in with one second to go on genius, starting now.

DN: Oscar Wilde was for me...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud is still in the lead, Derek Nimmo has moved one point ahead of Julian Clary and Paul Merton, who are equal in third place. And the next round is to be the last round because weíre running out of time, which is sad. Isnít it sad?

MILD AWWWS FROM AUDIENCE

NP: You donít sound as if you care less, actually!

PM: Quite a few people donít find it sad at all!

NP: Yes. Oh well, they should have paid. They...

PM: Theyíd be even sadder!

NP: Clement Freud, will you take the next round? Teams. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

CF: If you come from the west country or went to school there as did I, teams instantly bring up Plymouth Argyle, Torquay United, Exeter City, and as you leave London to go in the westerly direction, in which my education was purchased by my parents...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Deviation. We donít want to know about his education.

NP: So you think his education is deviating from the subject of teams.

JC: I do.

NP: Right. All right. Julian, itís the last round. There are 40 seconds left. We want to hear from you. Teams is the subject, starting now.

JC: Teams is a gay club in Brighton. Iíve been there on many occasions. In fact, Iíve got a season ticket. And I like this club particularly because itís got...

BUZZ

NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Well, he didnít repeat club, unfortunately, but I want to know when Nicholas Parsons was with you.

JC: He was driving the coach!

NP: I have to make a living somehow on what they pay me in tips. Derek, you have a correct challenge. You have 26 seconds, teams, starting now.

DN: Teams is a club in Hobart in Tasmania, otherwise known as Van Diemens Land, where all the footballers, and they play Australian Rules, foregather. A great multitude of real men who are sitting there with these funny balls which they use for this game. It is, actually, if youíve been to Launceston, youíll find there is a branch of the same establishment thatís opened there quite recently...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, as I said before, that was to be the last round. We have no more time, so let me tell you what the final point situation was. All contributing admirably. Paul Merton and Julian Clary were equal in third place. But they were only three points behind Derek Nimmo, and he was three points behind our leader, Clement Freud, so we say this week Clement Freud is the winner. I know some listeners are more interested in the points than the contribution. Most of us love the contribution and weíve had magnificent contribution this week from Paul Merton, Julian Clary, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. We thank them deeply. We also thank Elaine Wigley, whoís been keeping the score... sheís also been keeping the stopwatch going for me. Also Ian Messiter, who created the game, many thanks to you, Ian. Anne Jobson who organizes and produces the show. From all of them and from me, Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in, thank our audience here in Jersey for attending. Weíve enjoyed the whole experience. We hope you will tune in again, listeners, the next time we take to the air and we play Just a Minute. Till then, from all of us, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC