JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,GJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 March 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again itís my pleasure to welcome the four most exotic players of the game. And Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. If one of the others thinks they are guilty of doing this, they may challenge. And if I uphold their challenge or otherwise they will gain points or otherwise. And thatís the way we play, thatís the way we score. Kenneth Williams, will you begin. The subject is Hercules. Will you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well he was one of the most heroic of the Greek personalities in mythology of course. He was supposedly the son of that old man up there who ruled from Olympus and Alchimenes. And he did incur the wrath, oooh yes, of Heros and them serpents who devoured him, and he strangled them with his bare hands. And of course, ever since that has come to symbolise man naked strength against adversity. I suppose you would say his Christian counterpart was Samson. And also itís ultimate vulgarisation was the Edgar Burroughs Rice thing called Tarzan. I have been compared, Iíve been called Herculean myself! Because on this show I have wrestled with the most appalling adversity, and yet come out on top, my face smiling, my strength unimpaired. Is this not the most incredible achievement for anyone? I aspire...

WHISTLE

NP: Indeed is this not the most incredible achievement of all? The beginning of the show, the first round, he goes without being interrupted in Herculean style and gains himself a bonus point, the first time itís happened for a long time! Congratulations Kenneth!

KW: Iíve probably dried myself up for the rest!

NP: Well you have now a commanding lead over everybody else who have yet to speak. Geraldine Jones will you start the next round for us, the subject is adventure. Can you talk excitedly about that for 60 seconds starting now.

GERALDINE JONES: Let me say now that I find adventure the most tremendously exciting subject. I just long to go out in my little coracle and sail over the seas alone...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DEREK NIMMO: I donít believe sheís got a little coracle!

NP: All right, weíll give you a bonus point for cleverness but we leave the subject with Geraldine Jones and say that you have 44 seconds for adventure Geraldine starting now.

GJ: I yearn to go up to the North Pole and spend days...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: How can she get to the North Pole in her little coracle?

GJ: I didnít say how I was going to get there.

DN: You went out! In it!

NP: No she... this is the problem when you are interrupted and you start again. You can as you often do Derek start again on a completely different tack...

DN: Oh I see! Iím so sorry!

NP: And she might have been going on a different tack, only you were too keen...

DN: Iím terribly sorry!

NP: ... to get in there! So Geraldine has another point and she has 40 seconds to continue her exciting adventures starting now.

GJ: It would be the merest stupidity to suppose that the truly adventurous spirit is restrained to one form of transport. Sometimes I take to my wax and wings and float off to the sky...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation! I donít believe it!

NP: No! Iím afraid there Geraldine I donít believe...

CF: Coracles I will...

NP: ... you have waxen wings or any other kinds of wings. So...

KW: Youíre raving mad! Itís nothing to do with if itís believable. Deviation means leaving the subject! Itís nothing to do with reality! Sheís at liberty to say what she likes about waxen wings isnít she! Deviation...

NP: Sheís allowed to say what she likes about wax and wings, but she was talking about her own wax and wings, and I do not believe that sheís got them! Therefore I award the point to Clement Freud and ask him to continue on the subject with 31 seconds for adventure starting now.

CF: This was the name of a magazine when I was a small boy and had a stirring story about four transvestites who went...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation! Transvestites indeed! I havenít come here to...

NP: Four transvestites!

KW: ..listen to a load of filth you know!

NP: Four transvestites sounds extraordinarily devious!

KW: Yes it does!

NP: So you get a bonus point for cleverness and Clement Freud continues with his adventure...

KW: Ohhh!

NP: Twenty-three seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: One day I went out into the park late at night. And behind the bush there was a man with a gun and a sword. And as he saw me arriving he pulled his weapon from his pocket...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged!

DN: Deviation!

NP: He hasnít become devious yet!

KW: Youíre obviously dying to hear the rest of it! Yes, throbbing with it, innee!

NP: Youíre making it much much worse you know Kenneth! Well tried there Derek but you got in a bit too soon. He hadít got there yet. And so Clement gets another point because of that, there are six seconds left for adventure Clement starting now.

CF: Pressed it into my abdomen and said "halt!"

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Itís a nasty thing to push a sword into somebodyís tummy, very devious!

NP: I know but he still hadnít deviated from his adventure!

DN: I see!

NP: Which he was describing...

DN: Oh well then! Thatís all right!

NP: Therefore he gets another point and four and a half seconds left for your adventure Clement starting now.

CF: "It is I, a friend!" I cried! And the man whipped his revolver to the other side of...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freudís strange adventure in the park gained him quite a number of points. So heís taken a very definite lead at the end of that round. Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject is the Arabian nights. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: These are now called the Warriors of Jerusalem. But in the old days many of the dignitaries who lived around what is now called Iran and was then called Arabia...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít think so, a sort of teetering, he was teetering on the edge of hesitation, but Iím not going to give it against Clement this time, 47 seconds for you Clement to continue with the Arabian nights starting now.

CF: Itís also a book about a man called Haroon-ul-Rashid who was an Emperor and his Grand Vizier. And in a thousand and one episodes this volume expounds the evenings spent around campfires in the desert of this nomadic flock of people who went hither and there, gone and thither...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: I think itís all boring!

NP: So whatís your challenge?

KW: Deviation!

NP: Not at all!

KW: Well give me a point then!

NP: No! Iím not going to give you a point! Youíve got quite enough! You go on challenging and all that happens is that you give Clement Freud more points...

KW: Well I think I should be made a fuss of! And Iím not... nothingís happening here for me!

NP: Weíll put you on... donít you all love Kenneth? You got enough fuss from that! Heís made his point so Clement Freud continues with his Arabian nights for 25 seconds starting now.

CF: One night this celebrated dignitary stepped...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Repetition of dignitary.

NP: Yes we did have a dignitary before.

CF: Did I?

KW: Mmmm!

NP: Yes you did.

CF: I thought I used every other word.

NP: So there are 21 seconds for you Geraldine now on the Arabian nights starting now.

GJ: This Sultan had a great penchant for stories. And he demanded every night that someone tell him a story...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of night. Rather too much night.

GJ: Not by me!

DN: No...

KW: The poor thing hasnít even mentioned it once!

NP: I think you mentioned night once didnít you?

DN: No!

GJ: I havenít mentioned it at all!

NP: No, no, no, no, Geraldine gets another point and there are seven seconds left for the Arabian nights Geraldine starting now.

GJ: One of the these stories is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. You see what you do? You inhibit them by challenging too much and they...

KW: Most ungallant to even accuse her of it, I think! Heís no gentleman!

NP: So Clement gets another point and he has five seconds left for the Arabian nights starting now.

CF: Dressed in the garments of a beggar, he stole through the streets, late of an evening, and with a sickle moved...

WHISTLE

NP: So as Clement Freud managed to get in then just before the whistle went, he was speaking as it went, and he gains another point, in fact he gets two points in all then and he has a very commanding lead at the end of that particular round. Kenneth Williams itís your turn to begin, making happy faces. weíve asked you to talk about that if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This is a happy choice for me because I am a past master, one of the great exponents of making happy faces. Throughout the length and breadth of Great Britain, from Ballyhoolish to Bognor, Iím known for that smiling visage which so gladdens the heart of our citizens, high and low! But another example of it of course would be Franz Hartís famous portrait, the Laughing Cavalier. Oh what jollity there is in those fine features! Almost one could... er...

BUZZ

NP: Just, just almost but not quite! Geraldine Jones challenged you. Geraldine?

GJ: Reluctantly hesitation.

NP: Not reluctantly, it was very definite hesitation. So Geraldine...

GJ: Well Iíve had some moral support!

NP: ... you get a point and you have 23 seconds left for making happy faces starting now.

GJ: Itís absolutely impossible to make a happy face, because this implies some degree of compulsion. And of course if youíre not really deeply contented, itís impossible to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged.

DN: Well impossible, repetition of impossible.

NP: Yes it was, indeed it was. I would have also had deviation because you can make a happy face and I think Kenneth had actually established it beyond any doubt. So Derek you gain a point and you take over the subject with 12 seconds left starting now.

DN: In my own tiny way when I go on to the stage at the theatre at night, I try to make the faces benetha me rather happier than when they entered the auditorium. I do this by a number of means. I wave my hand in the air. I lift my bowler hat...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmoís happy faces have at last started to bring him a little way up from the rear in the score because he for once is lying fourth which is unusual. Let us continue and Derek begin the next round. The subject is when Father papered the parlour. Thatís one of those long subjects that I know makes it impossible for the chairman to judge when they start challenging but Iíll do my best! Derek will you start now.

DN: Well I think I must establish at the beginning that my father was a very eccentric man. His name was Henry Nimmo and he lived in Craigmoor Road in Liverpool. When he did finally decide to paper the parlour, he chose to decorate it with copies of the Liverpool Echo. In fact he chose only the football edition because of the particularly pretty pink colour that they used at that time. Well of course this made it a rather lengthy process because he would never put up more than one edition at one...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation I agree. So there are 30 seconds for when Father papered the parlour Clement starting now.

CF: Lord Finchley one night tried to mend the electric light, himself he got a shock, it struck him dead and serve him right...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Well heís not talking about Father papering the parlour, heís talking about Lord Finchley or something, I donít know.

NP: Yeah, what on earth has it got to do with Father papering the parlour Clement?

CF: It is the duty of a noble man to give employment to an artisan, which is why my father never papered the parlour.

NP: I think you got to your point far too late so I give a point to Derek Nimmo with when Father papered the parlour, 15 seconds starting now.

DN: Finally he got round to the ceiling. This was in 1948. And during the end of the war thereíd come...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine why have you challenged?

GJ: 48 was three years after the war.

NP: After the war, yes I quite agree, that was definite deviation, you get a point and there are eight seconds for when Father papered the parlour starting now.

GJ: There was only one occasion on which my father papered the parlour. And it is so seered upon all our memories that he will never do it again. He began by very laboriously...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Geraldine Jones was speaking then as the whistle went she gets an extra point and sheís creeping up behind our leader Clement Freud. Geraldine will you begin the next round, the subject is panic. Sixty seconds starting now.

GJ: I do on occasion make speeches. I think that it is during these occasions that I feel...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Repetition of occasion.

NP: Yes. Iím afraid there was Geraldine. There are 48 seconds left for panic Derek starting now.

DN: Itís an emotion this particular deity is supposed to induce, and that was why it was so-called. I went to see a play some years ago when a member of this audience was playing this great god. And in fact I was reduced to a tremendous state of panic. Because it was played by Kenneth Williams, I remember, on the stage at Shaftesbury Avenue. And I saw him leaping around, all these green nickers and things. And my goodness, I was frightened! I rose, I leapt up out of my seat...

BUZZ

DN: ...and rushed to the door, down the Strand I went, went quite a long way. And as I got near the end of the Strand I said "I canít see Kenneth Williams again ever!" And I travelled away a bit further. A few months later and there he was! Sitting looking at me again! And my goodness, He looked at me so rotten and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! I cried! Oh dear!

NP: Iím sorry! I let you go on because we loved it! Iím sorry to bring a pause in it and I know the audience loved it! But a long time ago Clement Freud challenged and I think I know why Clement.

CF: Repetition of Strand.

NP: Yes! There was far too much Strand in it, you did repeat Strand...

DN: Really! Well Iíve exhaust myself now!

NP: They loved it you see! It is a game after all! But you did repeat the Strand so Clement takes over the subject with 13 seconds left starting now.

CF: It has been established that panic is something that I am particularly prone to, often when...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why did you challenge?

GJ: It has never been established that it is something Clement Freud is prone to!

KW: Absolutely!

NP: Yes, he may feel it, but itís never been established. So I agree with you Geraldine and you take the subject, take a point and the subject of panic with seven seconds left starting now.

GJ: My worst moments of panic are endured when I find myself in the middle of a sentence and I have no idea how itís going to end. I look at the faces...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, I donít believe that ever happened!

NP: Well this time one could believe it happened, it has not been established, so there is one second left on panic for you Geraldine starting now.

GJ: You look at all the faces...

WHISTLE

NP: The more cheerful version of Geraldine Jones is doing great things for her. Youíre creeping up marvelously, youíre only two points behind our leader Clement Freud at the end of that round Geraldine. Clement it is your turn to begin and the subject is the advantages of living. Will you go on about it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The advantages of living can only be assessed in respect of the advantages...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Quite agree Kenneth so there are 54 seconds left for the advantages of living Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well obviously they can only be compared to the other, which is I suppose, the advantages of being dead! And since no-one returns to tell us about such a thing, the advantages of living are manifold. We exhale and we inhale, sisco and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged again.

DN: Repetition of hale!

NP: But...

KW: Oh shame on you lot for clapping!

NP: Yes! Shame on you lot for clapping! Because the words he used were inhale and exhale which are two separate words...

KW: Thank you very much! Thank you Nick! Lovely fellow! Lovely fellow he is!

NP: So he has another point and there are 28 and a half seconds left for the advantages of living, and Iím glad that you have the advantages of living because we love it Kenneth starting now.

KW: Fistoll and diastoll without which there would be no life. As Hadrian always said half a play...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine why have you challenged?

GJ: This isnít an advantage of living, itís...

KW: Of course it is!

NP: Iím with you Kenneth, youíre still on the advantages of living, I donít think youíve deviated from the subject yet. And there are 20 seconds left for you to continue starting now.

KW: And the advantages are obviously fulfillment! What better thing in this world have you got than the spectacle of someone fulfilling theeeeeeir fulfillment...

BUZZ

NP: Just a minute! Kenneth! Letís hear his challenge Kenneth! What was it?

DN: Repetition.

NP: What of?

DN: And!

NP: I must explain to any of the listeners that didnít quite catch up with what was going on. Ah Kenneth said fulfilling and fulfillment, and Derek being very keen on his buzzer thought he was saying the same word twice which he didnít. And he very cleverly twisted it to repetition of the word and, which I will not allow. So Kenneth gets another point and he has 11 seconds for the advantages of living starting now.

KW: And the other advantage is of course material comforts. Your central heating, your wall-to-wall and your uncut loquette...

BUZZ

KW: ...come in very handy in a dark night...

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged you again.

KW: What?

NP: Heís challenging you. Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Uncut loquette, he said?

KW: Uncut moquet I said. Oh whatís the matter with you!

NP: Just a minute! I donít mind what you said!

DN: It sounded very odd!

NP: Good listening! In Just A Minute I donít mind what you said, it might be the most peculiar stuff youíve got on your floor, but itís still not deviating from the subject. So you have another point Kenneth and you have one and a half seconds for the advantages of living starting now.

KW: And lying there in a hot bath, oh...

WHISTLE

NP: Well all I can say is that I am glad Kenneth Williams has the advantage of living, and the advantages of abundant life throbbing through his veins to give us such guts and stamina to stand up to all those challenges and come from a mere six points up to 12 points at the end of that round...

KW: Ooohh does that mean Iím in the lead?

NP: No youíre still in third place.

KW:Oh! Honestly you do that, you, you egg me on and make me think Iím getting there...

NP: I know! But we loved it when you were egged on with the advantages of living! You are getting very close...

KW: Oh who am I up against?

NP: Youíre only three points behind our leader Clement Freud, only one point behind Derek Nimmo. The next subject is puns and itís your turn to begin, Kenneth Williams, the subject puns, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: One of the best examples of these that I ever read was Charles Lambís when he said that an under-graduate accosted a gamekeeper in Oxford High and said "is that your own hare?" And the man said "no itís a wig!" And I thought that was very funny! But I was told an even better one about the editor of Time and Life magazine in...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well it wasnít a pun!

NP: I donít think it was a pun!

KW: Of course it was, the man was carrying a hare in his hand, he said "is that your own hare or is that a wig?"

NP: Oh you meant... Quite a difference!

KW: Quite a difference!

NP: You never established he had a hare in his...

KW: I did mention...

DN: You didnít mention the hare!

KW: I didnít mention that it was a rabbit because I thought you were familar with Charles Lamb. It didnít occur to me that you wouldnít...

DN: It wasnít a pun!

NP: You never said...

KW: Itís a very famous pun of Charles Lamb! I thought you were familiar with it!

DN: If youíd told it properly we would have been there!

KW: Well I was assuming you were literate!

NP: Actually Iím going to put this to the audience. Iíll tell you why because you see Kenneth did tell...

KW: Anyway I didnít disobey any rules of the game!

NP: No listen you did tell the er er pun of Charles Lamb, but you didnít make it quite clear that the chap had this rabbit in his hand. So Iím not going to judge on this because in one sense he wasnít deviating and in another sense because he didnít make the story clear he was. So you be the final judges. If you agree with Derek Nimmoís challenge, will you cheer. If you disagree with his challenge will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre with you Kenneth!

KW: Oh good, yes!

NP: So another point and you have the subject of puns with 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: The deputy editor actually of Time and Life, and this man left him at this party...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: Oh for goodness sake, shut up!

CF: Repetition of Time and Life.

NP: Yes this is the unfortunate thing you do...

KW: Well I couldnít do it without telling you the story! I just had to use it again, you great nit!

NP: I know, I know, but you see...

DN: Didnít you also...

NP: Kenneth! Clement Freud has a point and there are 34 seconds left for puns Clement starting now.

CF: One of the less well-known puns concerned a Professor Barnstaple who was walking down Trinity Lane in Cambridge holding a hedgehog, when he was approached by a policeman who said to him "excuse me sir, am I to intimate that you are in possession of a bicycle chain?"

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Well hesitation, actually, I should have let it go.

NP: Yes hesitation. Oh it was barn storming, honestly! Hedgehogging his way through! Derek Nimmo you gain a point and you have 12 seconds left for puns starting now.

DN: Thereís a certain lady in Whitechapel, High Street who was walking along with a nanny goat. She was approached by a third policeman in the Metropolitan Police Force and he came over to the lady who had the afore-mentioned...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones youíve challenged. Why?

GJ: Repetition of lady.

NP: Yes thatís right, he did have more than one lady. So Geraldine thereís literally half a second for puns starting now.

GJ: Itís terribly difficult...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as they all scored points in that round, the situation is much the same. Clement Freud leads Derek by one... and sorry, he leads Geraldine by only one and she leads Kenneth by two and he leads Derek by four. Letís get on with the game shall we? The subject now is what Iíd do on the Moon. I say, itís a lovely thought! Derek itís with you, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well I suppose I should get up in the morning in my little suit and Iíd wander around and look at the Earth and say how awfully pretty everything looks. Iíd probably buy myself a telescope from the little shop around the corner and Iíd have a look down and see if I could see if old Parsons was still playing that silly game, somewhere in the BBC! And then I suppose for my summer holidays Iíd go to the Sea of Tranquillity. There Iíd look at all those little pebbles and think how beautiful it all is. And then Iíd sing nursery rhymes! Goodness, yes I would! Iíve just suddenly thought of that, what a good idea! Iíd say Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and little shells and...

BUZZ

DN: ...pretty maids all in a row!

NP: Geraldine has challenged you Iím afraid Derek. Why Geraldine?

GJ: Deviation, he said he was going to sing nursery rhymes and he just recited it!

DN: Really!

NP: Well I still... oh dear! How terribly difficult because that might be Derekís way of singing for all I know!

DN: It is!

NP: So I think that strictly speaking he wasnít altogether deviating from the subject of what I do on the Moon and there are 25 seconds to continue Derek starting now.

DN: And then Iíd start digging! And down I would go into the bowels of the Moon! And when I actually approached them I would look very carefully to the left and to the right before crossing the aforesaid thing. And then Iíd come up the other side, open my napkin...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo has managed to draw up very very considerably. And he has come into second place alongside Kenneth Williams. They are both equal in second place behind a joint winners again, Geraldine Jones and Clement Freud. Congratulations to the two of them! I do hope that youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute. From all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.