JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,DCoffey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and DENISE COFFEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 October 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Denise Coffey in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again these four experienced and clever panelists are going to try and speak for Just A Minute if they can on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. Thatís the way we play and thatís the way we score. And let us begin this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is thrills. Youíve given us so many of them in your time, Maybe you can give us another one now but could you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: The first thing that comes to my mind is the roller-coaster. Oohhh what a thrill that is for me to go careering down the incline! I donít much care for the up bit. But when it comes down, oh my stomach goes aaaaaaaargh, ahhhhh...

BUZZ

KW: I cry out...

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged you.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of assorted ohs and aaaaarghs!

NP: There was a repetition of noise...

DN: Repetition of... well he did an oh earlier on.

NP: You thought they were exactly the same oh did you?

DN: There were several that were the same.

NP: I would have thought that they were entirely different. They were all very embarrassing and er, but I think they were different sounds. After all you can always say you have a repetition of sound like a repetition of speech. So Kenneth itís a difficult one to judge but I give you the benefit of the doubt, you gain a point because I disagree with the challenge, and you keep the subject with 40 seconds left for thrills starting now.

KW: And the thrill of sitting in that darkened auditorium when the favourite screen star appears. Lovely Marlene, or that old boy I frequently refer to as Fox-trot. Ah I see mystery, I see you...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: I see, I see.

NP: I quite agree. You gain a point and the subject, thrills... I should explain that Clement... that Kenneth Williams is trying to give Clement Freud a thrill at this particular moment by putting his arm around him! But in spite of that Clement will try and continue for 19 seconds starting now.

CF: The most beautiful and touching thrill, quite frankly, is to have Kenneth Williams as close as I have him at this moment! The feel of those gaberdine trousers...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why?

DN: Absolute deviation.

NP: Youíve never sat next to Kenneth Williams so perhaps you donít know!

DN: I have!

CF: Whatever turns you on!

DN: I think itís deviation!

CF: So you leave it!

NP: You see however much you may feel this is a devious thought, a devious idea and very devious to this programme, he has not yet deviated from the subject on the card which is thrills. So as I have to disagree with the challenge...

DN: Sorry.

NP: ... Clement Freud gains another point and there are 10 seconds left for thrills Clement starting now.

CF: Slowly she crept down the passage with a chopper! Would it be the nun or the housekeeper, said the butler quietly to the chambermaid. Neither...

WHISTLE

NP: If you want to read Clement Freudís new novel, itíll be published very shortly. And anyway whoever is speaking when the whistle goes... by the way the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up... gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud so at the end of the first round he has a commanding lead of two over everybody else. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round please, the subject weekends. will you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: An end I suppose is a sort of term for a final point. And a week indicates...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why have you challenged?

KW: Sort of, twice.

NP: I beg your pardon?

KW: Sort of, twice.

NP: I donít think so. Did you say sort of twice Derek?

DN: I hadnít thought that I had.

NP: No I donít think he had, I donít remember. Well tried Kenneth...

KW: A weekend is sort of, a sort of term.

NP: Did he say sort of twice, audience? I donít think he did. So right there are 49 seconds left Derek for weekends starting now.

DN: And weak means feeble. Of course itís one of the few words if you think about it really that the French havenít got a better on before, because they have to call theirs la weekend. I think itís tremendous...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís called le weekend.

NP: Quite right, it is le weekend, not la. They make it a very masculine pursuit to take someone away for the weekend. Anyway Clement I agree with your challenge, you gain a point there and there are 38 seconds, no there are 43 seconds left for weekends starting now.

CF: And even now at 25 he has to work to keep alive. Yes all day long from 10 to 4, for half the week or even more. For but an hour or two to spend at luncheon with a city friend. This is probably the worst thing that can happen to anybody. Thursday to Monday, nothing but pure enjoyment, pheasant shooting, hunting, running behind the hounds, skating over thin ice, racing after the neighbourís wife and her daughters, not to mention her Labrador...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Iím totally bewildered, surely itís deviation!

NP: I think Clement Freud is getting bewildered as well.

CF: I was going pretty well.

KW: Whatís it got to do with weekends? All of the week he was talking about. Thursday, Friday, chasing the neighbours!

NP: I thought it was a bit devious when he brought the Labrador in, I must say!

KW: Yes!

CF: That was on Sunday!

NP: So that was on Sunday, all right! Heís gone a little bit, a bit too far with his weekend I think. Weíll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you have the point and the subject of weekends, 10 and a half seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: Everyone packs their bags and their picnic hampers and off they go...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Well I donít! So thatís devious!

NP: Oh what a decision to have to make! Very clever challenge Derek, no points scored because itís a colloquial phrase he was using and Kenneth continues with the subject with six seconds left for weekends, starting now.

KW: Roads jam packed, and trains carrying hordes...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth was speaking then so he gains that extra point, heís one leader behind the leader at the present moment who is still Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, cant, that is the subject, can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well I suppose if someone came up to you and gave you a great homily about think well of your neighbour and youíll live a goodly life, oh rolling stones no gather no moss, all that sort of old rubbish, you could say what a load of cant. On the other hand it does have connections with piety faults and religious faults, religion one might say...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of faults.

NP: Yes you said faults twice Iím afraid. So Derek you gain a point and the subject and 35 seconds left for cant starting now.

DN: Now actually I when I was small was taught to ride, and I could never say canter properly and I always used to call it cant. Which is a rather curious thing to do, but it so happened to me. And the canter...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged. Why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, no, he was going so fast that when he caught his breath it sounded like it was hesitating.

CF: It was!

NP: No!

CF: I see! Right!

NP: Youíre in a very mcking mood today Clement!

CF: No!

NP: Yes definitely. Kenneth... Derek you gain another point and there are 26 seconds left for cant starting now.

DN: Well the Canterbury Trot was a slow easy movement of horses which was used by the pilgrims on the way to the cathedral of that name, where I suppose, they might have heard a lot of cant if they had not been very careful Iím afraid. Because sometimes even...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of afraid.

NP: Yes yes youíve been afraid more than once. And so Clement you gain another point, there are 14 seconds left for cant starting now.

CF: There are many parts of the country in which this word is actually the opposite of can. You go up to a chap and say "I wonder if you would be good enough to hold on to my horse while I go to the grocerís shop to buy a pound and a half of... raspberryade". And the man says "I cant...

WHISTLE

NP: That was teetering on the edge of deviation. Very funny way of pronouncing it, whatever your accent.

DN: Cant!

NP: I cant do that! Anyway...

DN: Cant!

NP: ...Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went and he gains the extra point. And Derek Nimmoís going to begin the next round, the subject is breaking records. Can you talk to us about that Derek for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Of course this is really the most tremendous fun isnít it. You go into your nearest record shop, you go over to a pile of 78s, pick them up in the air and go smack over the proprietorís head. And they get so surprised. Mind you I went in the other day and I said "could I have an LP of The Sound of Music?" And the man said "certainly" and I paid him for it. I went outside and I threw it on the floor with a tremendous bang. And he looked at me and he said "why did you do that?" And I said "well I didnít see the film, did you?" And he said "no, why do you ask me that?" I said "Iíve no idea, but it fills in a minute". And so...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Deviation.

CF: Well to begin with the record hasnít broken. It was an LP of The Sound of Music...

NP: Yes...

CF: Itís not made of a regular substance.

KW: Oh yes! Thatís true, yes! Brilliant!

NP: Yes it wonít break, because youíve got to melt it down donít you. Thatís right yes. So Clement you gain another point and there are 32 seconds left for breaking records starting now.

CF: The record that I would most like to break is mounting the Empire State Building by the service staircase. This is held at the moment by the Swedish lumnow team returning from the 1936 Olympic Games in Vancouver. And I thought when I looked at records I might be able to break, this was one I might achieve. And I therefore requested the gardill of the building situated on Fifth Avenue and Fifty-fourth Street...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetation... repetition of building, Empire State Building, repetition...

NP: Thatís right, we had building more than once, well done Derek, you gain another point, there are three seconds left for breaking records starting now.

DN: Iíd like to run the slowest mile of the year. Then I would...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo gets the extra point for speaking when the whistle went having got in just before it. And heís now one point behind Clement Freud whoís still in the lead. Denise Coffey your turn to begin, fallen arches. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on those starting now.

DENISE COFFEY: Only this morning I looked at my feet and I said to myself, my arches are falling. Quite clearly Iím getting old I thought. Oh...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: I helped her out by... er, repetition of thought.

NP: Yes, rep...

DC: I buzzed myself actually.

DN: She buzzed herself!

NP: I think thatís the best thing to do, if you...

CF: She gets a point?

NP: Yes!

DN: She gets a point!

NP: I mean, after all, if you buzz yourself for hesitation because you hesitated, before anybody else can buzz you for hesitation, you get a point...

DN: Is that your considered ruling? Can I hold you to that?

NP: If you can manage to achieve it, yes! Anyway so Denise Coffey gets a point for um I agree with her challenge, she gets another point because she also um, she has to continue, no, she only gets one point, what a pity! Denise the subject is fallen arches and there are 50 seconds left starting now.

DC: Not a hundred yards from this very studio is a building called The Arches which is the subject of a very famous song which perhaps the older members of the audience will remember. I have heard it. I wasnít actually there when it was first recorded. Itís a beautiful song, Under...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Repetition of song.

NP: Yes yes Iím afraid you did...

DC: Or encore as itís known!

NP: Ah you should have challenged yourself on the song...

DC: Iím a fool!

NP: Yes! So the best thing is dear try challenging yourself always Denise and see what happens. You did say song more than once so Clement Freud gets a point and there are 33 seconds left for fallen arches starting now.

CF: The first thing I suffered from this disease was in wonderful wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged himself.

CF: For repetition.

NP: Well done Clement Freud. But I only...

CF: Can we pack up now?

NP: I only give, I only give bonus points to the ladies! And therefore all that happens is I donít take the subject off you but you donít get any points for it and you have 29 seconds left with fallen arches starting now.

CF: This is really a deviation from the norm. The foot which instead of having five toes, an instep and a heel firmly on the ground, seems to have the instep which Iíve already said, really somebody ought...

BUZZ

NP: Denise Coffey challenged you.

DC: Like an arrow from a bow! Repetition.

NP: Yes...

CF: I go in first gear...

NP: So your arrow gained you a point Denise and you have 16 and a half seconds to continue with your fallen arches starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Someone has challenged, Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No she didnít hesitate, give her a fair go. And Ian Messiter hadnít even started the clock! There are 11 seconds left for you to continue Denise with fallen arches starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged again. Another point to Denise Coffey and there are 10 seconds for fallen arches starting now.

DC: Very often...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of her hesitation again!

NP: In other words youíve decided that you should give her a point as well which is quite ungallant for it is drawing attention to the fact that she is now well in the game and quite likely to win any minute if you keep this up. There are nine seconds left now Denise, if you keep this up, youíll probably win because you get one second every point, you see! And nine seconds for fallen arches Denise starting now.

DC: There is a cafe known as Archieís or Archís as the local people call it, where you can buy exceedingly fine buns. But unfortunately the gentleman who owns it...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Deniseís fallen arches brought her back into the game with a big burst on that occasion. Sheís now in a very definite third place only one point behind Derek whoís just behind Clement whoís still in the lead. And Kenneth is just in fourth place. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, the subject is my ambition. Can we hear what it is in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My ambition is to get qa four poster bed and roll it to John Oí Groats to Lands End. Many of you will think that this is a lukewarm tepid rather silly ambition for a grown man and I think you have a point. But the night...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, why have you challenged?

DN: Well I think I have a point!

NP: He didn't mean that kind of point. So all Iíll say is very nice, very well tried, no points scored, because we canít when someone says you have a point. Clement continues with the subject, 42 seconds left, my ambition starting now.

CF: And so my ambition is to take it via Wick down to Aberdeen, and then Edinburgh, Berrick-upon-Tweed, Newcastle and down along...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of down.

NP: Yes you have gone too far down. Derek you gain a point and you have 29 seconds left for my ambition starting now.

DN: My ambition is to roll...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a definite hesitation. He thought of his ambition and he came to a fullstop! Heís obviously achieved so much that he canít think of anything further. Twenty-five seconds for you Kenneth on my ambition starting now.

KW: My ambition would be to control things that I could cut out of this globe all unnecessary noise. Thereís far too much of it about. And I scream and cry in the night. Oh where is the peace my sequestering soul is needing? And if it were in my power to grant that...

WHISTLE

NP: I think you got a little off your ambition and just wept! But it was lovely Kenneth and you gain an extra point for speaking when the whistle went and you come back in the game with a bang. And it is very close at the end of that round with Clement Freud leading Derek Nimmo by one point. Kenneth Williams, itís your turn to begin. Weíd like you to talk for 60 seconds on Friday if you can starting now.

KW: It is known as payday for many people. The day on which a man...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Payday for many people and the day on which.

NP: The day on which, there were two days.

KW: Payday is hyphenated, you great nit! Itís completely different.

NP: It is...

KW: Hyphenated!

NP: I know...

KW: Good gracious everyone knows and is with me! There you are, you can hear them! They know a lot about it...

NP: But basically I can only judge on what we hear. So I give you benefit of the doubt when itís a colloquial phrase I use and therefore we cannot get literary and say because itís a hyphenated word it is not repetition. Derek Nimmo I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and there are 53 seconds left for Friday starting now.

DN: Friday is named after a lady called Frid who was married to Oden, one of those other strange Nordic gods and goddesses. Now I would like to tell you what it is called in the theatre, it is called the one on which...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Called.

KW: Called.

NP: Called, youíre perfectly correct and you gain a point and there are 41 seconds left for Friday Clement starting now.

CF: During the holidays we get up very early on Friday and we go out fishing for eel. Now this we do on Friday because my wife is a Catholic and therefore the children can only eat fish...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged twice.

DN: Well in the Popeís encyclical he allowed Catholics to eat a piece of meat and not just fish on Friday.

KW: Yes! Thatís true! He come out with that! Yes! That is true!

CF: Sorry, I was speaking...

NP: Sorry Clement?

CF: I was in the past tense.

NP: What did you say? You said that...

CF: It was a very favourite day of the week because we used to go out...

NP: No no you said it is a very favourite of the day...

CF: No, no...

NP: ... on holidays you said we go out and because she is a good catholic she always has fish...

CF: Sheís no longer a Catholic, you see!

NP: Iím not going to allow that on this programme...

CF: Itís ever since the encyclical, you know...

NP: If you can change your wifeís religion for the sake of gaining a point, I...

CF: No, no...

NP: I am not going to allow that!

CF: No, no... no...

NP: Iím going to allow Derek Nimmo to have a point on that and there are 17 seconds left for Friday Derek starting now.

DN: This time last Friday I was staying on the island of Schooner in the Inner Hebrides, a most beautiful strip of land, three miles by one and a half...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, the subject is Friday, not a beautiful strip of land. Weíre not interested in geography, itís nothing to do with it! Friday is the subject!

DN: I said...

KW: I mean strips of land, dear! Strips of land!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Friday!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Friday!

NP: Yes, last Friday he was on this beautiful strip of land. So Derek Nimmo has another point and there are two seconds left for Friday Derek starting now.

DN: When the ghost walks is a term used in the...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek was speaking then when the whistle went and gains an extra point. He now leads Clement Freud by two at the end of that round, and Denise Coffey and Kenneth Williams are equal in third place a little way behind. And Denise Coffey your turn to begin, postmanís knock. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DC: I am never privileged to hear the postmanís knock at my house because I have a bell which he rings. But in the country I believe itís a great event when people see the bringer of letters approaching their farmgate and upon which he hammers with his boot, scaring away the dog which is ready to pounce upon him...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Sheís talking about postmanís kick.

NP: Well in my imagination he took his boot off and hammered on the door which I thought was a very strange process. But he might well have done. He might have a special boot for hammering on doors. So I donít think it was devious and there are 42 seconds for Denise to continue with postmanís knock starting now.

DC: It is a parlour game which one used to play at parties...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, Iím playing it tonight!

DC: Where? Where?

NP: Not at this present moment I hope.

CF: Thereís nothing in the past tense about postmanís knock.

NP: No, no, in that sense itís technically, it is devious, but she was not really deviating from the subject on the card because in her family it might mean that she used to play it. So...

DC: Itís a tradition!

CF: The way we used to be Catholics, you mean?

NP: I wish you wouldnít bring that one up again! So Denise continues with postmanís knock for 38 seconds starting now.

DC: Itís very embarrassing when youíre at the age of two or three which I was...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think that was...

DC: Yes.

NP: ...that time it was a hesitation...

DC: It was.

NP: So Clement gets the point this time and he has 33 seconds to continue with postmanís knock starting now.

CF: This is a game in which men and women partake. Those of the male sex, masculine, or ones with protruding Adamís apples tend to send one representative outside the door while the females of the species remain inside. A message is portrayed through the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well deviation, messages are never portrayed! Messages portrayed? Conveyed they can be, messages portrayed!

NP: Just a minute, Kenneth...

KW: Where were they ever portrayed?

NP: Donít go on please! I agree, a message can be portrayed but in postmanís knock you cannot portray a message...

CF: We have house rules!

NP: And I think you were about to say it was portrayed through the door.

KW: Oh yes! Portrayed through the door!

NP: So Kenneth I agree with you, you have six and a half seconds to continue with postmanís knock starting now.

KW: When he knocks on the door my heart leaps, because thereís always a letter for me! What will it say, a postal order perhaps, maybe a lovely big cheque...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh the joy...

NP: Well that Iím afraid is all we have time for in this particular edition of Just A Minute so let me give you the final score. In second place equal were Denise Coffey and Kenneth Williams and I think a very very fair result, theyíre both second to two joint winners, our two great exponents of the game, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo who were absolutely equal winners. Iím afraid alas we have no more time to play Just A Minute today. We do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of the game and from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.