JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,DCoffey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and DENISE COFFEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 October 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Denise Coffey in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once more Iím going to ask our four panellists to speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. If one of the other three thinks they are guilty of doing this, they may challenge. If I agree with the challenge then they gain a point and take over the subject. And if I disagree with the challenge then the person speaking gains a point and continues with the subject. That is how we play and let us begin this week with Denise Coffey. Denise the subject is ironing my smalls. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

DENISE COFFEY: When I was at Oxford University there was a preliminary examination known which was popularly as smalls. I passed this with flying colours, I need hardly say, and put it away in a drawer, the document that proved how clever I was. Some years later I have produced this bit of paper. To my horror I discovered it was all crumpled up. So I thought the only logical thing to do would be to iron it out. And so it was that I was ironing my smalls one day, which is a very embarrassing situation to be found in, because I said it over the telephone to somebody who called. They shrieked with laughter. I knew they were little... they said...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: Yes, yes...

DC: There was hesitation.

NP: I agree there was a definite hesitation there, I agree with the challenge Derek, so you gain a point and you take over the subject, there are 20 seconds left, ironing my smalls starting now.

DN: Iíve never really been quite sure what smalls are. But I suppose they mean nickers do they really. In that case my smalls are really rather large, because I donít have those things that are called jockey pants. Isnít it an odd thing, why do they call them that, because theyíre always rather long, arenít they really. But anyway when I iron my panties, I put them on a table or even on a board which is supplied in good hardware shops for that prupose, I plug in an iron...

WHISTLE

NP: He plugs in an iron and the whistle goes. That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo, and at the end of that round heís the only person to have scored any points. Clement Freud will you begin the next round please. The subject is my favourite words. Would you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: My favourite words are hot and wheelbarrow. Iíll just repeat that, hot and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Repetition of hot.

CF: Itís the words on the thing!

NP: Oh youíre trying to be very clever and get me in a very difficult situation. Yes...

CF: You are allowed to repeat the words...

NP: Youíre allowed to repeat...

DN: Theyíre not on the card.

NP: ... my favourite words, which is what is written in front of me. I maintain that you have repeated a word you should not repeat which is hit. So Derek Nimmo gains a point and he takes over the subject with 51 seconds left, my favourite words, starting now.

CF: They werenít...

DN: Running, walking, beware Clement Freud, nasty...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Clement Freud couldnít be called a favourite word. It is somebodyís name.

NP: Well all I can say is I am not going to get in a personal situation between two people in the show. If you think Clement Freud should be a favourite word, will you cheer, and if you think he shouldnít be will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the cheers got it, donít you. So Derek Nimmo gains a point and keeps the subject with 47 seconds left, my favourite words starting now.

DN: Another selection from my favourite words would include rocking horse, merry-go-round, manse, exit, gentleman with glasses, green pullover, blue vests, stripey job, how, now, cow, moo, white hair, running jumper...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation. Running...

NP: Oh very difficult.

DN: Itís not hesitation.

NP: I donít think he quite hesitated.

DN: No...

NP: It was getting very very close to hesitating but he didnít quite hesitate. And so Derek Nimmo gains a point and there are 24 seconds left for my favourite words starting now.

DN: The smokers match, Scotland...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: This is deviation, because heís not really giving his favourite words, he just picked up a matchbox and quoted from it!

NP: I quite agree! Heís not giving his favourite words. Very good challenge! I was waiting for that one and I must explain to the listeners there was a kind of amusement before when he was going through words because he was looking at the audience and reciting somebody, getting ideas from the clothes that they were wearing and the colour of their hair and things like that. But where the moocow came in, I donít really know. So anyway a good challenge by Kenneth Williams gains him a point and the subject and there are 22 seconds left, my favourite words, starting now.

KW: Most of my favourite words have got connotations which are comical, sometimes deeply affectionate. Things like lachrymose, and things like...

BUZZ

NP: Denise Coffey you challenged.

DC: Repetition of things like.

NP: Yes...

KW: Most ungallant, you!

DC: Well!

NP: I think itís the other way round, a fellow must be gallant to a lady really Kenneth.

KW: Mmmm!

NP: So there we are.

DC: We met...

NP: She gains a point and takes over the subject with five seconds left for my favourite words starting now.

DC: My favourite words are unbrazious which means leafy and off the trees...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: How can you say my favourite words and then say unbrazious, only one?

DC: Because Iím ignorant and ill-educated and Iím trying my best! (starts to cry)

NP: But...

DN: Now whoís a heel?

NP: Yes because Iím going to award it to him as well, all the sympathy of the audience is with you Denise as you can see and you can hear. But Kenneth has a very subtle point there and he takes over the subject of my favourite words with one second left starting now.

KW: Pegrification...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo has a very definite lead over Kenneth Williams, Denise Coffey is following and Clement Freud is at the present moment in last place. Kenneth Williams, will you begin the next round for us, a hippopotamusís point of view. I think Iím going to have some problems on this one! All right Kenneth have you got the subject and had a little thought about it, and will you start now.

KW: The hippopotamus point of view is of necessity rather limited and frequently he suffers from a deep-rooted sense of inferiority. As the authority, Mr Rudge has it, when the elephant came and saw him and cried "I say look here, although giraffes are good for laughs, please send that chap away, his manners are disgusting and his habits far from nice, we canít have tea with itty bitty hippopotamice". Now that of course could be taken as a comical analogy. But I would venture to suggest that a parallel may be found in human behaviour patterns that animals very often in exemplary ways do show us though the method be somewhat crafty, be somewhat underhand...

BUZZ

KW: Oh I said somewhat twice.

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes what a pity! He only had two seconds to complete another... oh well! They all have to be tough with each other at some point. And this time it was Clement Freudís turn and he was tough, but he gains himself a point and there are two seconds left Clement for a hippopotamusís point of view starting now.

CF: I shot a hippopotamus with bullets...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round itís exactly the same position as before except Clement is now in third place instead of fourth. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, nursery rhymes. Can you talk, I suppose you can recite if you wish, nursery rhymes, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Nursery rhymes are little poems, that are taught to one in oneís, in oneís childhood, awfully nice, by either oneís nanny or mummy, or grandparents. All sorts of persons teach you these lovely little ditties. One of my favourite ones is hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, oh, the timepiece struck one, the four legged animal ran down, ditto the same and almost identical. Another one which I rather like is little Tommy Tucker sang for his supper, what shall we give him but brown bread and, and remember this, butter...

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation...

DN: I just... hesitation?

NP: Yes but you definitely hesitated, Iím afraid. You were very clever before. Actually if I was playing the game I would have had you for deviation because you didnít stick to the nursery rhyme properly. But still, thatís past now, Clement has you on hesitation which I agree. He gains a point and there are 23 seconds left, nursery rhymes, Clement, starting now.

CF: As winter sets in over the nursery, you notice this extraordinary greeny white spongy substance which scientists call rime, which forms as a result of...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, weíre discussing nusery rhymes, not nurseries where seeds are brought to maturity.

NP: I donít know what itís got to do with seeds. I donít know what the scientists call, I think heís absolutely devious. What is this stuff youíre talking about with scientists Clement?

CF: Rime!

NP: What did you say?

CF: Rime!

NP: Oh rime, Iím sorry. Anyway weíre not talking, it had nothing to do with nursery rhymes...

DN: He said it was in the nursery.

NP: Whatís that?

DN: he said it was in the nursery. I donít what to support Mr Freud really but he did say...

KW: No you can cut out all those dulcet tones, all that flannel youíre trying on. I mean the whole thing is totally devious.

NP: Ladies and gentlemen of the audience do you agree with Kenneth Williamsí challenge? If you do will you cheer, if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CF: Boo!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth Williams has a point, he has 10 seconds left for nursery rhymes starting now.

KW: These are made up very often to entertain and enlighten...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, theyíre not made up to entertain, theyíre passed down.

NP: Theyíve still got to be made up by somebody.

DN: Well theyíre not made up any more.

NP: At some particular time somebody has... not any more, they were at one point made up, so heís not deviating from the subject. Kenneth has another point, four seconds left, nursery rhymes starting now.

KW: I donít know them myself. I never actually have stood about...

WHISTLE

NP: So as Kenneth was speaking then when the whistle went he now goes into the lead alongside Derek Nimmo...

KW: Good! Iím in the lead! Isnít it nice!

NP: Clement Freud itís your turn to begin. The subject is the shed in our garden. Can you talk about the shed in our garden for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The shed in our garden came from the back page of the Radio Times. This is invariably filled with structures of that kind, and we sent off 28 and sixpence a week...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well deviation, obviously the back of the Radio Times canít be filled with constructions. He must have meant that it was filled with illustrations of these constructions. If it were filled with these constructions, it would never have got on or in a bookstore in the first place.

NP: I think I know the point you are trying to make.

CF: But any reasonable...

NP: The shed in his garden could not have come from the back page of the Radio Times, the instructions on how to make it could have come. Kenneth has a point and he has 47 seconds left, the shed in our garden, starting now.

KW: The shed in our garden was once a gazebo, or wendy house. Sometimes it was called one or tother, hahaha!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of hahaha!

NP: If you werenít in the lead, Iíd give you two points! One for a good reply. But you just get one for the clever spotting of the repetition. There are 36 seconds left Derek for the shed in our garden starting now.

DN: The nearest garden to me is in the Royal borough of Kensington where I live and is called Kensington garden and there...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Two mentions of Kensington.

NP: Two mentions of Kensington is quite correct.

DN: Youíre absolutely right, 27 seconds for the shed in our garden Kenneth starting now.

KW: Sometimes known as the wood shed, and various nasty things could have happened in it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: If it was a gazebo, it couldnít be a wood shed.

NP: But he never established it was a gazebo.

DN: It was!

NP: No, he said, no..

KW: Sometimes known as...

NP: Sometimes known as a gazebo, sometimes known as a wendy house. He might have...

CF: What sort of nuts live in a house of this...

NP: Kenneth Williams obviously!

CF: Have you ever known anyone who sometimes called a shed a wood shed, and the other time a gazebo?

NP: Iíve heard people refer to their Rolls Royce as a Tin Lizzie.

KW: Yeah! There you are! Yes! Thatís one in the eye, isnít it!

CF: Do you want to sit next to him?

NP: And Iíve heard people refer to your palacious mansion as a tin shed.

KW: Yes!

NP: So Kenneth has another point and there are 18 seconds left for the shed in our garden Kenneth starting now.

KW: Actually itís something that I donít really want to discuss because weíre bound to be led on into something...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well deviation, if he doesnít want to discuss it, I thought Iíd help him out.

NP: All youíve done is to help to give him another point while heís... I must explain to the listeners that that particular challenge has given Derek Nimmo cramp and heís now hobbling about the stage here.

DN: Is there a doctor in the house?

NP: Is there a doctor in the house?

CF: Would he go home?

NP: It was very clever because I know... I know Kenneth Williams had said he didnít really want the subject but he continued to talk about it and Derek Nimmo said that he would therefore take it...

KW: Oh no I didnít, I said I didnít really want to talk about it apropos of what I said before which was something nasty in the wood shed.

NP: But in this game, you may not want the subject but whether you have it or not, youíre obliged to talk about it which is exactly what Kenneth was doing. So he gains another point and he continues with 14 seconds left, the shed in our garden, starting now.

KW: Funny little mens wearing caps and bells and little fairy glades and curious...

BUZZ

NP: Denise Coffey why have you challenged?

DC: He mentioned little twice. Repetition.

NP: Yes you did, little funny men...

KW: Thatís right.

NP: So Denise you gain a point and there are eight seconds left for the shed in our garden Denise starting now.

DC: The shed in our garden is open for public inspection at sixpence per adult and threepence per child every weekday...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Two pers.

NP: You perred a little bit too much Denise alas.

CF: (Makes cat purring sound)

NP: So Kenneth gets the subject back with another point of course, three seconds left starting now.

KW: Sometimes known as a lean-to in which you can see all the old rubbish...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Kenneth Williams was speaking then when the whistle went he gains yet another point and he has now really got a commanding lead over everybody else at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams itís your turn to begin the next round, and the subject is the two gentlemen of Verona. You look as if you donít know much, I donít know whether you ever played in the play. But if not can you talk about the two gentlemen of Verona for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: What first comes to mind is Count Grande Francesco Delascala, who sacked Padua and made Verona one of the greatest fortresses in northern Italy. One of the others that comes to mind would be Paulo Veronaze, the marvelous painter from that city, whose canvas, The Rape of Europa, has delighted the eye of many an art connoisseur. Indeed itís maintained in certain quarters that he foresaw or shadowed so to speak, 18th century painting with his cool mellow tones. Of course the great protector there of Dante and er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was. I still donít quite know what itís all got to do with the two gentlemen of Verona.

KW: They were both gentlemen of Verona.

NP: You were just talking about gentlemen who live in Verona or associate...

KW: Thatís all it says on the card.

NP: It doesnít matter, it doesnít matter, you didnít get challenged about it. We loved it so much that nobody challenged until you hesitated. And it was Clement Freud, 11 seconds left for you Clement, just two gentlemen of Verona starting now.

CF: The two gentlemen of Verona were tremendously good friends, so much so that the ladies of Verona complained most bitterly about being neglected and having to spend all the time on their...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went so he gains the extra point and heís now in second place, equal with Deren, Derek Nimmo, but still trailing behind Kenneth Williams. Derek will you begin the next round please, the subject is aerobatics. Can you talk about aerobatics... Iím sorry, Iíve decided to change, Ian Messiterís given me the wink. Heís said Derek Nimmo, the subject for you has been changed, weíd like you to talk about cramp. Can you talk about cramp, Derek Nimmo, for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: This is a really most horrifying, awfully unpleasant thing that happens to one from time to time, frequently in the most embarrassing places. And in the most awful situations as well. I mean today I was sitting on this very stage by this charming girl and all of the sudden, my right muscle in my right obe...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Um, you know, whatever...

KW: Hesitation, you mean.

CF: No, no, what...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No it isnít.

CF: One of those, repetition.

DC: Repitition of right.

CF: Repetition of right.

NP: Repetition, yes if you didnít get it right, you know, you wouldnít get the point.

DN: No...

NP: So the subject, no, you get a point Clement and you take over the subject, 42 seconds left for cramp starting now.

CF: This is something which happens predominantly to athletes but also to actors. And consists of a muscle seizing up and giving acute pain to the proprietor of the limb in question which infrequently causes him to jump up, run around and generally exhibit himself in a manner which he had probably not initially intended to do. I can remember one broadcast not a very long time ago when I was sitting opposite someone called Derek Nimmo, a fairly well-known comedian and light opera actor whoís also been seen on television in the part of...

WHISTLE

NP: So cramp brought Clement Freud further up but heís still trailing a little behind Kenneth Williams whoís still in the lead. Denise Coffey would you begin the next round, the subject is just music. Can you talk about music for 60 seconds starting now.

DC: In my opinion, music is the only truly international language humanityís ever evolved for itself. It was discovered very near the beginning of the dawn of time, by a distant brontosaurus going (sings) ahhhhhh! A nearby caveman heard it and went (sings) ahhhhhh! A pterodactyl flying by heard it and went (sings) ahhhhhh!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. Why?

DN: Repre... repetition of assorted ahs!

DC: No, well, they were in different keys I hope. I mean...

NP: Yes they were in different keys but they were the same actual note...

DC: Ah!

NP: I mean the same actual sound...

DC: Ah! Ah!

NP: If youíd changed the sound as well as the note then you wouldnít have been challenged...

DC: Itís too late now, telling me that! Isnít it!

NP: So Derek has another point and there are 37 seconds left for music starting now.

DN: One of the great plagues of our present day society is an over abundance of music. Wherever you go you hear it. In fact you donít really listen to it, it just passes over you. Youíre not really aware of what...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of really. Really, really.

NP: Yes there was, but itís a rather unfair challenge but anyway Iíve got to give it to you because itís accurate. Therefore um Clement you have another point and 25 seconds left for music starting now.

CF: If music be the food of love, I donít understand why I keep writing recipes in magazines and broadcasting on how one prepares a Yorkshire pudding or seizes a Swiss roll in oneís thumb carefully nibbling around it so that the jam remains on the tip of the nose...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, this may be very interesting about food but itís nothing to do with music. The subject is music, weíve departed from music...

NP: Yes, yes, youíre quite right...

KW: ... and where are we going everyone asks themselves. I donít know, out of the window heís gone...

NP: Yes yes he went with the jam roll out of the window...

KW: Yes!

NP: So I quite agree, he got off music very definitely and he was well into food and so I agree with you Kenneth, you have another point, six seconds for music starting now.

KW: There is a genius who takes these sounds from the air, gives them forms, symmetry, poetry one might say and they become...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round the situationís still the same with Kenneth Williams still in the lead. In second place if you want to know, Clement Freud, third Derek Nimmo and fourth Denise Coffey.

DC: Oh!

NP: And Clement your turn to begin, mythology, can you talk to us for Just A Minute on that starting now.

CF: There are many people who think that this is the art of being a womaniser on the part of a man who lisps. This is entirely untrue. Mythology is the study of the works of people who wrote like "speak to me, muse of the adventurous man who wandered long after he sacked the sacred citadel of Rome". Which is the first sentence of the Iliad of possibly the other book which has a name that escapes me...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes.

CF: No I didnít.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: So Kenneth I agree with the challenge, you take over the subject, there are 31 seconds left for mythology starting now.

KW: Well this is supposed to be, I understand, the study of these myths, how they came about, what gave rise to them, etcetera. Of course I suppose one could equally say that this was true of various superstitions and that you could make up your own mythology. I have a friend whoís done precisely this. He has perfected the system whereby heís given certain names to objects and says they have certain powers...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that Iím afraid is all we have time for in this particular edition of Just A Minute. So to give you the final score, Clement Freud came with a big rush at the end from trailing right from the start but he didnít quite manage to ctach up and overtake the leader whose lead was so definitely... So reading back was Denise Coffey fourth, then Derek Nimmo and then Clement Freud, but all trailing behind this weekís winner Kenneth Williams. And as Iíve heard Kenneth say more than once, oh lackaday lackaday...

KW: Yes lackaday! Rue! Because I never used to win ever, did I! Ever! My luck has changed! Itís changed!

NP: Two weeks running Kenneth you have won!

KW: Yes!

NP: Wonderful! I hope youíll come and join us again and be in this great form and show these others just how itís done.

KW: I must do that Nick! Believe me, Iím right behind you!

NP: Well we do hope that youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, and from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.