JAM:PMerton,CFreud,GNorton,BCryer
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, GRAHAM NORTON and BARRY CRYER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 19 February 2001)


NOTE: This was transcribed by Vicki Walker. Thank you!


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just a Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you! Thank you. Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in the United Kingdom but in Europe, Asia, the Americas, Australiasia and I believe even in Antarctica. But also to welcome to the show this week four highly skilled and experienced exponents of comedy who have joined me tonight. We welcome that master of improvised comedy, Paul Merton, that master of outrageous comedy, Graham Norton, that master of ad-lib comedy, Barry Cryer, and that master of erudite comedy, Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual, I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst, whoís going to help me keep the score and sheíll blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just a Minute is coming from the Radio Theatre in the centre of Broadcasting House, this magnificent edifice which has been sending out sound broadcasts around the world for nearly 80 years. And before us we have a fine cosmopolitan audience drawn from all parts of the greater metropolis here of London. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Paul Merton. And Paul, the subject is name dropping. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PAUL MERTON: I hate name dropping and funny enough, so does Princess Margaret. Like me, she thinks itís a vulgar, horrible habit. Mel Gibsonís very much the same, and youíll find that there are a number of people like Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice, the Queen, Princess Andrew...

BUZZ

NP: Er, Graham Norton, you challenged.

GN: Er, two princesses.

NP: Yes, there were two princesses.

BARRY CRYER: Youíre right.

PM: I forgot about that.

GN: Mmm-hmm.

NP: A Princess Andrew, I thought.

BC: Princess Andrew!

PM: Have you not heard? Have you not heard the news?

NP: Oh, no!

BC: Where was the operation?

GN: In Holland.

NP: Well, my goodness me. Yes, ah Graham, a correct challenge, so you get a point for a correct challenge. You take over the subject, which is name dropping, and you have 44 seconds starting now.

GN: My career at the garden centre was a short and unhappy one. I was given a large pile of garden names to...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two gardens.

NP: Yes.

GN: Thatís correct.

BC: Graham "Two Gardens" Norton.

NP: Right. Clement, a correct challenge, a point to you. You have the subject, name dropping, 37 seconds available, starting now.

CF: I quite like geographical name dropping. New York, Delhi, New Orleans...

BUZZ

CF: Two News.

NP: Paul, you were the first to challenge.

PM: There was two News.

NP: There were two News and the audience spotted it as well, so you all pulled it together, right. Thirty-one seconds still available for you back with name dropping starting now.

PM: Antony Wedgwood Bend dropped several parts of his name many years ago. He is now of course known as Tony the name I mentioned earlier. And he did this...

BUZZ

NP: Oh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of name.

NP: Yes.

PM: Oh...

NP: Yes, indeed. So Paul, another correct challenge, another point to Clement. Twenty-one seconds now, name dropping, Clement, starting now.

CF: Monopoly is really all about name dropping. Park Lane, Mayfair, Piccadilly, Regent Street, Wight Street...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of street.

NP: Yes. Itís impossible, isnít it? Paul, you have name dropping back again. You have another point and have 14 seconds starting now.

PM: Nicholas was telling me just before the show that somebody has registered my name on the Internet as paulmerton.com. It isnít me, itís somebody else. But what I can do is I can claim my own nomenclature back if I contact this company...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Paul Merton, who has the most points at the end of that round. Clement Freud has two, Graham Norton has one, Barryís yet to get any but we have heard from him.

BC: I must apologise for hogging the game.

NP: Thatís right. Clement Freud, will you take the next round? The subject, very apt for London: Big Ben. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: In Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for 100 pounds, youíre likely to get a question, "Is Big Ben... Tiny Tim...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: That was me. I was wrong. It was repetition of what is on the card.

NP: No, it was hesitation.

BC: Was it?

NP: Yes.

BC: Oh, thatís right, then. Sorry. I had an impediment in my challenge, sorry. Hesitation, thatís what I meant to say.

NP: Absolutely, yes, because you havenít played as much as the others. Right. Er Barry, very well spotted, and you have a point for a correct challenge. And you have 52 seconds. Tell us something about Big Ben, starting now.

BC: I was under the impression that Big Ben was the name of the bell and not the clock. But regardless of that, itís the very symbol of our nation. To me, Big Ben is Ben Travers, a master farceur, author of plays that ran at the Ulrich Theatre many years ago starring... stars of the... myeh myam man!

BUZZ

NP: Graham, you challenged first.

GN: Myan myam myan! Repetition of the myam.

NP: Yes.

BC: Myam, myam.

NP: Eh Graham.

GN: Yes?

NP: You have a correct challenge.

GN: Was it?

NP: Yes.

GN: I thought it might have been a word. I might have been very wrong there.

NP: No, no, no. You have ah, it was hesitation, because it was a stumble, and we interpret that as hesitation. Ah, 34 seconds are available for you to tell us something about Big Ben starting now.

GN: Big Ben is one of my happiest memories from my first trip to London. I often wonder what became of him. At the time he was a waiter in Crouch End. We corresponded for a while and then... nothing! Typical! If Big Ben is listening now, do get in touch. Itíd be lovely to see you because Iím sure youíre old! And time is our friend! And Iím sure youíre rather wizened now, Ben.

BUZZ

NP: Um, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two sures.

NP: Yes.

GN: And a little bitter.

NP: Clement, you, you got in with six seconds to go on Big Ben, starting now.

CF: You can look at it and nearly always get the correct time.

BUZZ

NP: Graham, you challenged.

GN: He stopped!

NP: I know he did. Hesitation.

CF: I did six seconds.

NP: You didnít. You only did four seconds. So...

PM: He tried to time this on Big Ben.

NP: Yes. No no, we work to Big Ben time and ah you did four seconds. And thereís two seconds still available for you, Graham, with another correct challenge, starting now.

BUZZ

GN: Big Ben...

NP: And Paul, Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

GN: No!

NP: No!

CROWD BOOS

GN: The crowd has spoken. Hurrah!

NP: Only half a second, and youíve got one and a half seconds on Big Ben, Graham, starting now.

GN: Big Ben is not the name of a...

WHISTLE

NP: So Graham Nortonís plea from the heart got him points because he was interrupted. And he also got one for speaking as the whistle went, so he has moved into the lead at the end of that round. And Barry Cryer...

BC: How am I doing, Nick?

NP: Youíre doing well. Youíre doing well. Youíve got one point. And um, and you take the next...

BC: When was that?

NP: When you challenged for hesitation.

BC: Oh, yes. Thatís right.

NP: That challenge of yours.

BC: I owe you. Right.

NP: Right. You have, uh, my obsession now, which is the subject. And you begin with it, and you start now.

BC: I feel a shade of Victor Meldrum over me. My obsessions are aversions. Paper clips that intertwine and enmesh with each other when you leave them in a drawer. Wire coat hangers, abhorred by Joan Crawford. The sticky tape whose name rhymes with hello that has no beginning and no end and wraps round your fingers. You have no idea where itís going Ė

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Three nos.

NP: There were two nos there. Three nos, actually. No beginning, no end.

BC: Really?

NP: Yes.

BC: I must listen when I talk.

NP: Yes. So Clement, youíve got in with 30 seconds, 37 seconds on my obsession, starting now.

CF: My obsession is disliking people who wear Dr Scholl or any other therapeutic sandal. I do feel that if someone has something wrong with their feet, it ought to be personal between them and the things at the bottom of their legs. Restaurant waiters and waitresses occasionally are shod in this sort of gear and I dislike it enormously. It is my obsession to call the manager and complain. "I shall not eat oxtail with...

BUZZ

NP: Barry, you challenged.

BC: Hesitation, may I venture? May I venture?

NP: Yes. Yes, you ventured correctly. He did hesitate, and you got in with five seconds to go on my obsession starting now.

BC: Speaking earlier of those triangular objects on which you hang your clothes in a wardrobe...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Now. Did he say, did he say hang before?

BC: I said hangers, angers.

NP: No, hangers, hangers before.

PM: Oh, did he really?

BC: Hangers.

NP: Yes.

PM: Oh, I was just wondering to meself, really.

BC: You were just musing.

PM: I was musing.

BC: Musing.

NP: Musing.

PM: Musing wrongly.

NP: But ah, Barry, youíve, had a wrong challenge and got another point, and you have one second left on my obsession starting now.

BC: My obsession is overwork.

WHISTLE

NP: So Barry Cryer, with points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went, has truly leapt forward and you are now in second place, Barry.

BC: Och!

NP: Yes, youíre one behind Graham Norton, whoís still in the lead, and one ahead of Paul Merton and Clement Freud who are equal in third place.

BC: This cannot be.

NP: Graham Norton.

GN: Yes.

NP: Your turn to begin.

GN: All right.

NP: The subject is the common cold. Will you tell us something about it in this game starting now.

GN: Each winter I dread getting the common cold. I long for a sophisticated infection or perhaps an exotic flu because thatís the sort of thing you can cure in a fun way. The common cold is presumably cured by common things like boiled meat and white bread. Ick, I say. I went to the doctor once. His name was Dr Michaels.

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Two doctors.

NP: Two doctors, yes.

GN: Awwww!

NP: There was only one doctor there, but you said it twice. Paul, youíve got in with 36 seconds on the common cold, starting now.

PM: Well, famously itís one of those things they still canít cure, despite the fact somewhere out in Shropshire or Lancashire, some such place, they infect people with the common cold virus every winter to see if they can cure them of it.

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Graham Norton challenged.

GN: Repetition of cure?

PM: Oooh, might be.

NP: Yes, the common cure.

PM: Was there? Oh yes.

GN: I could be wrong!

NP: No, youíre quite right, youíre quite right. You could actually have had him for deviation because after 35 years they actually closed the place down.

PM: Did they?

NP: They couldnít find a cure.

PM: Oh. Iíve not been following the story as closely as you, Nicholas.

NP: Do you know, Iíll tell you some... People were invited to have a holiday there, and they were given a holiday in these chalets, given a cold and asked to enjoy themselves like a, like a sort of leisure centre with a cold. And that was their holiday. And they got a cold, and it didnít cost them a penny.

GN: And it shut down, you said? Mmm.

NP: Because they couldnít cure it. There are so many different strains and so many different reasons and so many different emotional reasons why the common cold is induced. Right.

PM: Emotional reasons?

NP: Emotional reasons. Yes, emotional. If, if youíre sometimes very distressed, sometimes you induce a cold within yourself.

BC: Nurse! Nurse! Heís out of bed again.

NP: Right. Those with psychological knowledge might appreciate what Iíve just been saying. But anyway, it doesnít really matter. Oops, who challenged? It was a long time ago. Cure, who was it?

GN: Me.

NP: You. Right, Graham, 24 seconds, the common cold, starting now.

GN: A lot of people donít realise there are so many strains of the common cold and you catch it for many reasons, including emotional, psychological...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Repetition of many.

NP: There were two manys.

GN: But still, I was, I was very interesting, wasnít I, Nicholas?

NP: You were, yes.

GN: I said really interesting things.

NP: I wanted you to go on.

GN: Yes. Yes.

NP: Because it was so interesting.

GN: Everything I said was very true.

NP: Yes.

BC: I feel a churl for interrupting you, Graham.

GN: But you got 17, another point, Barry, and 17 seconds on the common cold, starting now.

BC: As I speak or try to, my proboscis is akin to a tap. My body is the wrong way round. My feet smell and my nose runs.

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Three mys.

NP: Mys. My feet...

BC: Did I do a lot of mys there?

NP: Yes. My feet, my proboscis...

BC: Oh, my Ė My goodness!

NP: Right. Ten seconds, the common cold, Clement, starting now.

CF: The common cold is a pretty downmarket disease. Influenza is the sort of thing...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Is the, is the, is the common cold a disease?

CF: Yes.

NP: Well, I donít know whatís a disease and whatís an illness?

PM: I donít think itís a disease. I think itís, I think itís like a, I donít think itís a disease.

NP: Well, I donít know, because some people call it a disease, some would call it an illness. I would call it an illness.

PM: Which oneís right, Nicholas?

NP: I donít know. Iím...

GN: Nicholas, you know everything about the common cold!

BC: Not since that place closed down!

NP: I tell you what Iím going to do. Itís one of those lovely occasions when Iím going to put it to the wisdom of our, superior wisdom of our audience. So if you agree with Paulís challenge, that it is not a disease but an illness, you cheer for him and if you disagree...

PM: Itís an illness.

NP: ...you all boo for him, and you all do it together now.

CF: Boo.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís an illness. And you win, Paul. And you have four seconds on the common cold, starting now.

PM: Coughs and sneezes spread diseases was one of the things they used to say in the war.

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton, speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Heís now taken the lead again, ahead of Graham Norton and Barry Cryer and Clement Freud in that order. And Paul, your turn to begin and the subject is if walls had ears. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PM: Well, clearly I blame the architect. Somethingís gone wrong there in the blueprint. Itís like having a mouth on your front door. And who amongst us here would not want to have an oral cavity on our portal? It would be very useful to tell the postman whether weíre in or out. It would be a wonderful...

BUZZ

PM: It would be.

NP: Um, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Three woulds.

NP: Woulds, yes. It would, you would, you would. And Clement, you got in with 46 seconds. If walls had ears, starting now.

CF: If walls have ears, why on earth do they go on making ice cream? Thatís what I would like to know.

BUZZ

NP: Graham Norton, you challenged first.

GN: I mean, I, maybe, I, were you still muttering quietly? I could, I thought you had stopped.

NP: Thirty-nine seconds for you, Graham, on if walls had ears, starting now.

GN: If walls had ears, paintings would be so much easier to hang. However, the downside of that is the cleaning would be such a chore! Oh, you could dust the daido rail to your heartís content but then out would come the Q-Tips and youíd be up and down on a ladder, varicose veins throbbing, going through them, double-heading! It would be hell, I feel, if walls had ears. Therefore, I say, letís stick with nails and hammers for...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Weíve had nails before.

GN: Did I say that?

NP: No, no you didnít.

GN: Well, maybe we did, Clement.

NP: No you didnít, because you said they would be so much easier to hang them. You didnít say how.

CF: Well, Iím against hanging as well!

NP: An incorrect challenge, Graham, so you still have nine seconds on if walls had ears, starting now.

GN: If walls had ears, I wouldnít have to spend so much of my time with a big glass pressed against the wall of my neighbourís house. Ooh, their fights are spectacular!

WHISTLE

NP: So Graham Norton, with his walls having ears, gained a number of points in the round, including one for speaking as the whistle went. And he has moved forward. Heís now in the lead ahead of Paul Merton. And Clement Freud, your turn to begin. The subject, keeping a diary. Tell us something about that in this game, starting now.

CF: I think Iíd stick to Fresianís because they do give by far the best...

BUZZ

NP: Paul, you challenged.

PM: Dyslexia.

NP: Dyslexia. Fifty-five seconds, keeping a diary, starting now.

PM: I decided to keep a diary when I was about 15 years old. It was full of the usual stuff that you write when youíre that sort of age. Um, was that age twice?

BUZZ

NP: Graham challenged.

GN: The em. It seemed to be hesitation.

NP: Yes, it was hesitation. Forty-seven seconds, Graham. Tell us something about keeping a diary, starting now.

GN: The only diary I ever kept was when I was on a foreign exchange trip in France in 1987. Before I went, I think Iíd read a little too much Jane Austen. Therefore it was full of expressions like suffice to say and needless to add. I...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: I know toís a little word, but there were a lot of them.

NP: It was right, yes.

AUDIENCE BOOS AND HISSES

NP: You havenít won...

GN: Pantoís come early.

NP: You havenít won many friends with that challenge, Barry.

BC: No, I know.

NP: But it is a correct one and within the rules of Just a Minute, you are entitled to have it. So um you have the subject. You have 30 seconds, keeping a diary, starting now.

BC: On the subject of keeping a diary, Mae West, that great oracle, uttered the wonderful remark, "Keep a diary and it will also the-same-word you." Famous...

BUZZ

BC: I deserved that.

NP: Paul, you challenged.

PM: Ah, hesitation, decidedly.

BC: Yes, yes.

NP: It was hesitation, yes. You waited for the big laugh and it didnít unfortunately happen. And...

BC: Well, Iím sure you know that sensation.

NP: I know.

PM: Heís been waiting for one laugh since 1948!

NP: I set myself up for it. But therefore, thatís what itís all about. Eighteen seconds for you, Paul, keeping a diary, starting now.

PM: Unfortunately, when I looked back on it a few years later, I realized it was full of very trite, banal observations, not really worth sharing with myself at all. This is of course the problem when you decide to keep a diary is that your thoughts arenít at all interesting to you or anybody else.

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and he has retaken the lead, one ahead of Graham Norton, and theyíre both a few points ahead of Barry Cryer and Clement Freud in that order. And Paul, itís your turn to begin. The subject: chairing a panel game. Iím very nervous of this subject. You have 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

PM: Apparently the Russians have trained a baboon. It didnít take very long Ė about four or five months and it took to it very well indeed. Very pleasant little chap. Thereís an orangutan in Norway that hosts a show whoís a great favourite with the crowd. It seems it doesnít take any particular skill, charisma, talent whatsoever! But then of course, we look at our esteemed chairman, Nicholas Parsons, and we realize that all of the above is true. Heís a wonderful chairman. Iíve said chairman three times now.

BUZZ

NP: You were being so insulting, they just let you go on, you see. So Clement, you challenged.

CF: He repeated chairman four times.

NP: He did indeed repeat it. No, yes, because chairmanís not on the card, chairing is. So Clement, will you talk on the subject of chairing a panel game, 32 seconds, starting now.

CF: There are six people in front of the audience and I wonder who would be useful at chairing a panel game. Looking around...

BUZZ

NP: Paul, you challenged.

PM: Well, he was trying to do two senses at the same time, looking and talking, and the talking stopped.

NP: Thatís right.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: And he looked and paused and you picked it up first. And youíve got 23 seconds. I wish you hadnít gotten it back again because, after what you just said. But carry on. Chairing a panel game starting now.

PM: Thereís a mongoose in Montreal thatís doing a marvelous job and everybody flocks to these shows and says, "Well, itís absolutely wonderful that these creatures from the animal kingdom can be trained up in this marvelous...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Graham Norton challenged.

GN: I might be wrong.

PM: Mmm-hmm.

GN: I might be wrong. In fact, I think I am. Eh, Iím going to say repetition of trained.

NP: Yes, I think so.

GN: But trained up, you see! Trained up might be a word.

NP: No, it isnít. Itís two words.

GN: Okay.

NP: And there are 11 seconds, chairing a panel game, Graham, starting now.

GN: Who could realise how difficult it is to chair a panel game until you see our esteemed chair, Nicholas Parsons, doing it, making fabulous decisions like giving it to me...

WHISTLE

NP: Thank you for redressing the balance there, Graham. And you only got one point.

PM: I think he was being sarcastic!

GN: Ssh!

NP: Well, donít worry, because next time youíre on the show weíre going to have a baboon here being the chairman and see how many points you get then.

GN: Do you mean it?

PM: Well, Iím willing to give it a go! Shall we put it to the audience?

NP: I donít know. I canít win at this, can I? But anyway, Graham Norton, speaking as the whistle went, you got an extra point. Youíve moved forward. Youíre just three points behind Paul Merton, whoís still in the lead. And Clement Freud, itís your turn to begin. And the subject is a good hand. Tell us something about a good hand in this game starting now.

CF: If you have a good hand, you could go in for the Transatlantic Singlehanded Race, which Iíve always wondered why lots of people donít compete in. At bridge, which is a card game, a good hand would consist of an ace, king, queen, jack, 10 and eight other cards of the same suit, which would enable you...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: I, Iím, Iím very wary. I think there was a, there was a hesitation there at the end of cards.

NP: No, I donít think so, I donít think so.

BC: No.

NP: No.

BC: No.

NP: No, no. He got very close to it.

BC: Yes.

NP: Sort of teetering on it, but didnít quite do it.

BC: I played King Rat in pantomime this year. I think itís rubbing off.

NP: Yes. I donít know what you mean, but anyways...

BC: I believe that, Nicholas.

NP: Thirty-seven seconds and another point to you, Clement. A good hand, starting now.

CF: A good hand is likely to be either your left or right, with five fingers and nails attached. Manicurists will tell you all about it because they use buffers and drills and...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Paul challenged.

PM: Drills?

NP: Drills.

PM: Manicurists use drills on your hands?

NP: They are actually little drills, but they buff. The drills actually do the buffing.

PM: Itís more, but thatís more like a buffer rather than a drill.

NP: Yes, but itís...

CF: Wait for it, it will come.

NP: It is a drill, it is a drill that buffs.

PM: Is it a drill that buffs?

NP: Yes, because the, the attachment...

PM: How far is Whipsnade from here?

NP: You are rotten. You really are rotten, Paul.

BC: We have a baboonís number.

NP: I disagree with your challenge, Paul.

PM: Okay.

NP: And Clement has another point and 24 seconds on a good hand, starting now.

CF: If youíve been dealt a good hand by God or whoever is above, then everything is terrifically well for you. The sun shines, your wife is faithful, children bring home really nice people for dinner who use knives and forks and spoons where others just deploy their hands to shovel...

BUZZ

NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GN: Oh no, a very bad thing. Very bad thing. I was going to, I heard hand and Iíd forgotten what the subject was and oh, deviation! It must have been deviating, but Iíve forgotten what the subject was. Okay, Iím clutching at straws, but still.

NP: I think you are, because I think he was talking about the good hand that God had dealt this person and he was illustrating it, I think quite coherently. And so once again Clement has the benefit of the doubt. Next time you might have the benefit. And itís three seconds with you still, Clement. A good hand, starting now.

CF: In the United States a farm labourer might be called a good hand.

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud, speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point as well as others in the round, he's moved forward, but heís still in third place. And weíre moving into the final round, so let me give you the score as we do. Paul Mertonís still in the lead, just ahead of Graham Norton, whoís just ahead of Clement Freud, whoís a lit- just ahead of Barry Cryer in that order, with a few points separating first and last. And uh this is the last round, as Iíve said before. Graham, it is your turn to begin.

GN: All right.

NP: Donít be inhibited, Barry, because itís the, itís the contribution thatís important, not the points.

BC: Do you patronise as a hobby or is it a living?

NP: No, I never patronise. I just like to give out warmth and love and affection to people who are talented. Right.

BC: Well, give me some as well!

NP: Right. Graham.

GN: Yes?

NP: Take the last round. It is power dressing. I donít know whether youíve done any of it yourself.

GN: Oh no.

NP: But talk about it in this game starting now.

GN: My mother loved power dressing. She would simply pour some battery acid over lettuce and scallions and beetroot and egg and say, "Look darlings, itís power dressing!" The great boon of this disgusting dish was that the lazy cow didnít have to make any pudding! Thatís the sort of upbringing I had. Yes, weíd all lie there, kind of groaning over the power dressing. Nothing on television would distract us from the extreme pain in our stomachs, flick as we might through RTE 1 and 2. Yes! Both channels available in full colour in our home! But the power dressing in the bottom of the bowl would often be drained back into something that could power something else, like a radio or car...

BUZZ

GN: God!

NP: Uh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two somethings.

GN: Yes.

NP: Clement has a correct challenge and he has 14 and a half seconds on power dressing starting now.

CF: A vinaigrette fashioned of garlic... puree... chili... peppercorn...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Thereís a, thereís a power graph between each one of those. Thatís hesitation. Definite hesitation.

NP: Paul, you got in with a correct challenge with nine seconds. Power dressing, starting now.

PM: This is something that Joan Collins did very much in her heyday in the 1980s. She would appear on these American soap operas with these massive, great shoulder pads...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton, speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And now just to give you the final situation. Um, Barry Cryer came with his usual style and aplomb, but he only finished just in fourth place, just behind Clement Freud, who was a few points behind Graham Norton, who was a few points even more behind Paul Merton. He has the most points this week so we say Paul, youíre the winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful and outstanding players of the game, Graham Norton, Barry Cryer, Clement Freud and Paul Merton. And also thank Janet Staplehurst for keeping the score so cleverly for us and blowing her whistle when the 60 seconds was up. And we thank Claire Jones, our producer director, who tries to keep the situation in order and get a control of it when she possibly can. And weíre indebted to Ian Messiter, who thought of the game which we all enjoy playing so much. And we are grateful to this audience here in the Radio Theatre in London for cheering us on our way. From our audience, from our panel, from me, Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in. Be with us the next time we play Just a Minute. Until then, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC