JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,DCoffey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and DENISE COFFEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 October 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Denise Coffey in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask these four panelists to try and speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject but without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. If one of the other three think they are guilty of doing this they may challenge them by pressing the buzzer in front of them. If I agree with the challenge they will gain a point and take over the subject. If I disagree with the challenge the person speaking gains a point and of course carries on with the subject. Thatís the way we play and thatís the way we score. And let us begin this particular show with Clement Freud. Clement you donít need to take up your buzzer yet, youíre the one who will be challenged if possible. Clement, the subject is avoiding the bill in a restaurant. Can you try and talk on that unlikely subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Somebody was once asked how they avoided falling hair, and they said "duck". And avoiding a bill in a restaurant, I suppose, would be pretty similar. The best way to do so would be to disappear when it arrives. If we mean...

BUZZ

NP: Denise Coffey you have challenged. Why?

DENISE COFFEY: Hesitation.

NP: I disagree entirely. Iím sorry Denise. Very well tried! But no he hadnít really hesitated...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: No, he always talks like that!

DC: I beg your pardon!

NP: So as I disagree with the challenge it means that Clement Freud gains a point and he keeps the subject and he has 46 seconds for avoiding the bill in a restaurant starting now.

CF: The smartest way I ever encountered of somebody doing this was he and a woman went into a restaurant where people are seated at tables even though they necessarily do not come in together. Ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít think so, he was just taking a breath. No youíre being far too sharp today. Let people get on with their story...

CF: And ugly with it!

NP: So I disagree with the challenge, Clement Freud gains another point and he has 34 seconds to continue with avoiding the bill in a restaurant starting now.

CF: And the first person came into this...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of person.

NP: Yes thatís right, you talked about a person coming in to a restaurant before. So this time I agree with your challenge Derek so...

CF: Youíll never find out now, will you?

KW: Youíll never know the end of the story!

NP: He doesnít mind because heís gained a point and the subject and he has 32 seconds to continue with avoiding the bill in a restaurant starting now.

DN: Well the best way really is to have some really rather unpleasant object...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you have challenged.

KW: Repetition of really. Two reallys. The best way really is to have some really.

CF: Hmmm!

NP: Yes that is perfectly true, yes. They are being very sharp already and weíve only just started. My goodness me! All right Kenneth so you gain a point because I agree with the challenge, you take over the subject, there are 27 seconds left for avoiding the bill in a restaurant starting now.

KW: I always say "alas! no money have I about my person! Nor do I seem to be carrying a chequebook. Is there a good Samaritan among us who will relieve me of this financial burden?" And somebody full of sympathy always steps into the breach and says "Kenneth, allow me to pay for your provender". And so I leave the restaurant...

WHISTLE

KW: Am I in the lead?

NP: Oh to be Kenneth Williams if thatís the way you lead your life!

KW: Am I in the lead? Never mind my life, am I in the lead?

NP: Just a minute, Kenneth, contain yourself. Because Iíve got to explain, there may be somebody who hasnít heard the programme before, and they would like to know that when the whistle goes it tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever...

CF: Does it?

NP: Yes, yes, yes. Didnít you know that before Clement? How then do you always manage to come in then just before it goes? Anyway whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. In this case it was Kenneth Williams so he now has two points at the end of that round, and Clement Freud has two points...

KW: Oh!

NP: And Derek has one and Denise is yet to score. Let us carry on, Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round and the subject...

KW: Oh yes yes?

NP: Youíre raring to go! Marvellous! Leonardo Da Vinci, thatís slightly thrown you back on your heels as they say, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I havenít the money to go to the Looooooooovre in Paris, I believe itís a very fine museum...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged you.

DN: I was just going to offer him a penny.

NP: So Kenneth not only gets money for his meals but he gets it for other purposes as well. A very nice line, Derek. Iíll tell you what Iíll do as it was a nice joke, I wonít charge any points or any penalties and weíll continue with Kenneth on the subject of Leonardo Da Vinci with 55 seconds left starting now.

KW: Where of course is housed the famous Mona Lisa, the most represented...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís the painting of Mona Lisa.

NP: Yes but I have heard people speaking...

CF: Mona Lisa is dead!

NP: ... colloquially...

CF: Oh no no!

NP: In this programme...

CF: You canít say a shepherd is hanging on the wall at Kenwood! I mean, itís ridiculous! Iím sorry!

NP: I think Kenneth was speaking quite colloquially when he was talking about the famous Mona Lisa, so he gains a point because I disagree with the challenge and he has 47 seconds to continue with Leonardo Da Vinci starting now.

KW: The other canvas that springs to mid would be The Adoration of the Magi, which is the Middle period, and the last being Saint John the Baptist, also in the museum I mentioned before. And what is very little realised is that this young Italian notary had an affair with a peasant girl, as a result of which the union, was born Leonardo Da Vinci...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: It was long before the union days.

NP: So how would you put it then?

CF: I wouldnít.

NP: Everybody in this...

CF: This is meant to be a family audience, I mean a family show.

NP: Youíre taking over Kenneth Williamsí job now to about family shows. We understand what Kenneth meant by the union and he put it very very, most tastefully I thought...

KW: Lovely chairman!

NP: So I disagree with the challenge so therefore he has another point and there are 16 seconds for Leonardo Da Vinci starting now.

KW: Leonardo Da Vinci influenced Michaelangelo and when the Palace of Florence had to be decorated he contracted a cartoon with the senorita. But she also engaged Michaelangelo and rivalry...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of Michaelangelo.

NP: Quite right, you did say Michael...

KW: Youíre allowed, itís the title!

DN: No itís not!

NP: No itís not!

KW: Oh shut up! I was just getting going then! Itís a disgrace! Iíve a good mind to withdraw!

NP: What were you getting going on?

KW: Well that rivalry, because Leonardo withdrew after the senorina had given the portrait thing to you know, Michelangelo.

NP: Really?

KW: I was going...

NP: That went down well with the audience.

KW: Did he win that challenge?

NP: Yes he did, yes...

KW: Oh!

NP: Right so Clement Freud gets a point and the subject, five seconds left for Leonardo Da Vinci starting now.

CF: The first time I saw Leonardo Da Vinci cartoon...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Oh well heís got it right, I thought he was going to say, he could never have seen him, but then he said cartoon.

NP: So Kenneth was being too keen which means that Clement gets another point and continues for three seconds with Leonardo Da Vinci starting now.

CF: I didnít think it was at all funny. I looked at it most carefully...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was speaking then as the whistle went, heís gained an extra point and now he has a lead of one over all the others at the end of that round.

KW: Ah I get out so he come in on the last few seconds didnít he. I mean itís just swindling, isnít it.

NP: Yes but you tried very hard to get in on the last few seconds.

KW: I was just getting going, wasnít I! I was all throbbing here!

NP: You were throbbing so much...

CF: He was! He really was!

NP: He was really throbbing...

KW: He takes advantage though, coming in like that!

NP: Derek Nimmo would you begin the next round, the subject is antiques, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: One of the curious things about mankind is they rush out and buy things when theyíre very very new and then after having them for a little while, they discard them when they become old-fashioned, leaving them for future generations to come along somewhat later and buy them again and call them antiques. Iím rather keen on collecting antiques myself, particularly pottery and English porcelain. To have in oneís hand a genuine piece of Dr Wall Worcester, I think is one of the most exciting things that can happen to anybody. A bit of Craftware perhaps, or over Died Sherred or The Brothers Wood or maybe a piece of bowl...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement why have you challenged?

CF: You canít have all that in one house!

NP: Brilliant! All right give Clement a point and let Derek Nimmo continue with his delightful dissertation on his antiques, English porcelain and pottery. Derek you have 24 seconds left starting now.

DN: In 1745 in Chelsea the first factory was founded, soon to be Phorrid One at the place I just mentioned a moment ago, which is Hardby. They were made with soft paste unlike the continental which was of the hard variety. Then these factories went bankrupt and a man called dewsbury moved them to Derby where the most beautiful and exquisite...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was then speaking as the whistle went and so he gains the extra point. Also he not only started with the subject but he finished with it. And the one time he was challenged I didnít give it against him, it was only just a joke challenge. So I think itís only fair to give him that bonus point he gets for going...

DN: Oooh!

NP: ...all the way through almost without stopping. Well done Derek! Denise Coffey will you begin the next round, the subject is reading teacups. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

DC: I read a teacup the other today which told me to be wary of drinking that beverage. It told me that the tannin content was exceedingly high in that particular cup. I thought this was most peculiar because all I could see were a few leaves going phhooft! Er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of phooft!

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was, youíve got to be careful with your phooft or youíre going to get in trouble.

DC: I was under the impression I went phooft er, phooft er.

NP: That was still repetition.

DC: Oh yes.

NP: But anyway there are 44 and a half seconds left for reading the teacups with you Clement Freud starting now.

CF: I do love to go to bed with a good teacup. When Iím under the blankets between the sheets...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged.

KW: Deviation, obviously youíd never read teacups when theyíre beneath the sheets. Thatís all rubbish!

NP: He actually didnít say reading the teacups...

KW: He said when I am beneath the sheets reading the teacups, thatís what he said.

NP: No he said he liked to go to bed with a good teacup. And when he was underneath the sheets, we didnít get any further than that...

CF: Except your rotten challenge!

NP: And you were very keen...

KW: My challenge was deviation, the whole thing is extremely devious and you know it!

NP: It may be extremely devious, and when we hear what he does with the teacups underneath the sheets, it may be even more devious. But the point is he is not at this present moment deviating from the subject on the card which is reading teacups. Until he does he gains another point and continues with the subject with 38 seconds left starting now.

CF: And yet at fairs there are people who do this professionally without seeming to provide any pleasure, but simply financial gain therefrom. You go in, pay a certain small token sum of money, and a woman invariably dressed in some outlandish costume, asks if you would like to have your fortune told in India or China tea. And you can then decide which you would like, long grain, short...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed, yes, he couldnít find another word for grain.

CF: Really?

NP: Well done Kenneth, so youíre right this time, you gain a point and you have the subject with 12 seconds left, reading teacups starting now.

KW: When the gypsy came to read the teacups, she made me feel so gay, for she said that someone in the tearoom would steal my heart away. That was first re... oh!

WHISTLE

BUZZ

NP: A split second, a split second you were home by.

KW: Oh!

NP: You were challenged, yes you just made it, you got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went, because if...

KW: I slipped up on me diction!

NP: If you...

KW: Thatís why I slipped up, wasnít it!

NP: If you slip up again, keep going.

KW: I should! I know, Iím a fool to myself!

NP: So at the end of that round, Clement Freud has a lead of two over Kenneth Williams who is in second place and the other two are trailing a little. Kenneth itís your turn to begin, the subject, very aptly chosen for you I think by Ian Messiter, my enthusiasm.

KW: Ah, charming!

NP: Can you talk on your enthusiasm, well actually the subject is my enthusiasm starting now.

KW: The singular or...?

NP: No the subject is my enthusiasm, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well my enthusiasm can be extended to a variety of subjects. But it centres mainly on the single line, while he lived he was a guiding star of a whole great nation. When he died the little children cried in the streets. I became really enthusiastic about that particular line. When I was 17...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: An hesitation.

NP: There was no an hesitation, no, and so he continues the subject with 30 seconds left for my enthusiasm starting now.

DN: Obviously...

KW: This number was William Natal, Prince of Orange, called the Silent, another thing which helds me and reverberated through my mental apparatus. Then I became terribly aware of the gwash, the technique of so stripping of the canvas, that there is almost a relievo or italio effect. Indeed Leonardo Da Vinci...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that virtuoso performance on the part of Kenneth Williams has so, made him so enthusiastic, he got up and did a couple of pirouettes for us. And I must explain to the listeners that the big laugh that came in the middle of his sort of little expose on enthusiasm was that he made a magnificent gesture and nearly decapitated Clement Freud. But he has crept up, equal in second place with Derek Nimmo, and theyíre both a little way behind Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin. My best conjuring trick, can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: My best conjuring trick is one in which I cut Kenneth Williams in half. This I have been experimenting with for some little time, and itís one way I find to lose friends very rapidly. How I do it is I have a large cabinet through which I put a sword. And I pull it backwards and the other direction several times until it appears to cut right through this chest and one part of the afore-mentioned competitor is on the other side, and the other portion of this odd chap is at the other. And to the audience they find it absolutely riveting when they see it glistening towards them. And then I sometimes are greeted with a tremendous round of applause for the magnificent shining apparition. They say "whatho for KW who is now in twain". And people come from all over this fair island...

WHISTLE

NP: Well done Derek, itís your day today! He started with the subject, he finished with the subject...

DN: With a special...

NP: He cut Kenneth Williams in half and he didnít even have time to put him together again! He deserved that extra bonus point for keeping going without being interrupted. Denise Coffey your turn to begin, the subject knickerbocker glories...

DN: Plural?

NP: I beg your pardon?

DN: Sorry. Are there more than one of them? I mean plural...

NP: There are yes, the subject is knickerbocker glories, thatís the title on the card. Can you try and talk on that unlikely subject for 60 seconds starting now.

DC: How strange I should be asked to soeak about knickerbocker glories, ladies and gentlemen, because it happens to be my favourite food in the singular. However you must be very careful if you go into a high-class ice cream parlour in asking for what is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Sorry, rather ungallant...

NP: Yes, ungallant!

DN: I wonít, Iíll retract it.

NP: All right, youíve retracted it, good. So Denise Coffey has another point and she has 46 seconds to continue with knickerbocker glories starting now.

DC: When Derek Nimmo and I go into a high-class ice cream parlour...

BUZZ

DC: Aaaah!

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well she did say high-class twice, Iím so sorry!

DC: Yes! I also said ice cream parlour twice! Thatís what comes of being a creep you see! Does you no good, does it!

NP: Yes, once youíve been stopped, Denise...

DN: Sorry!

NP: ... itís very difficult to get going again sometimes. Forty-two seconds for you Derek to take over knickerbocker glories starting now.

DN: I have the most wonderful Norfolk jacket which I wear over my knickerbockers and theyíre known to all my friends throughout this land as my knickerbocker glory. And every time I go out in my garden shooting at the pheasant with the grouse they say "whatho, here comes Nimmo out again in...

BUZZ

NP: Denise Coffey challenged you. Why?

DC: Repetition of all those people saying "whatho, here comes Nimmo again".

NP: What was repetitious about it?

DC: Well he said they kept saying it.

NP: Well done Denise, so sheíll get a bonus point for a very clever challenge but itís not strictly one of the rules of the game. So Derek therefore continues with the subject and there are 27 seconds left for knickerbocker glories starting now.

DN: I once went into a cornerhouse in the Strand and sat myself down at the table near the window. When the waitress came alongside, I said "please madam, would you be so kind...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: If you sit near a window how can a waitress come alongside?

NP: She can come along the other side where the window isnít.

CF: No, he meant, he definitely meant the windowside!

NP: No, no, no, no, no, she can come alongside the table quite easily. So Derek Nimmo has another point, 18 seconds left for knickerbocker glories Derek starting now.

DN: The great chef of the Savoy, Mr Trompetto, once showed me how to make one of these delicious Sunday top...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No, there was no hesitation Kenneth. So you hesitated...

KW: Itís deviation then, weíve shot over from the cornerhouse and this waitress to the Savoy!

NP: If you get interrupted, itís very difficult to continue. Itís best to start again on something else which Derekís doing. So heís now gone to the Savoy, heís lifted the tone a little. Why not? Eleven and a half seconds left Derek with another point to you, knickerbocker glories starting now.

DN: Sitting in Gleneagles Hotel, midway between the sun and the stars, I there had the best knickerbocker glory of the whole of my life. It was served to me on a silver tray by magnificent Highlanders...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek, congratulations, youíve really pulled up your socks and your knickerbocker glories because youíve come from a very weak third place to a very definite lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud, your turn to begin, the birds and the bees. I donít know why it makes them laugh, theyíre lovely little things, birds and bees. But can you discourse on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Birds and bees are animals that are often put forward before children as the epitome of how reproduction works. And it is quite true that men and women have children very similarly to the way birds and bees...

BUZZ

CF: ...and bees and birds...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, thereís nothing similar about the way we have children. Iíve never seen ladies going round laying eggs!

NP: Oh yes! You really...

CF: You see them stinging people!

NP: Yes! Well you really yolked him this time, havenít you! I quite agree. A point to you Kenneth and the subject and 42 seconds left, the birds and the bees starting now.

KW: Oh I donít want it!

BUZZ

NP: So Clement Freud challenged first and...

CF: Deviation...

NP: De...

CF: ...from the theme of the birds and the bees. I donít want it.

KW: Quite right!

NP: Oh why donít you just say hesitation? It makes my decisions so much easier! I donít want it has got nothing to do with being devious from the birds and the bees. He might talk about the birds and the bees and say I donít want it. Itís perfectly legitimate, it makes sense to me, yes. So Kenneth Williams has another point and there are 39 seconds left for the birds and the bees starting now.

KW: Well they fly about in the air. And they also pollinate things, going up...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Coz birds donít pollinate!

KW: Bees do! Birds and the bees on the card!

DN: Birds do...

NP: Birds donít pollinate and the bees do. Itís a very difficult situation to judge isnít it? All right, audience, if you agree with Clement Freudís challenge then cheer if you do. And if you disagree with his challenge, will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A draw! Kenneth Williams continues with the subject, no points scored, 32 seconds left, the birds and the bees starting now.

KW: This dust they distribute sometimes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Birds donít distribute dust.

NP: I have seen birds picking up little bits of dust to build their nest and they sometimes drop it on the way which is very a distributive process. So Kenneth Williams has another point and there are 28 seconds left for the birds and the bees starting now.

KW: A lady found in Holland...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged again.

CF: I want Kenneth Williams to have another point!

NP: Heís got another point! And 27 seconds left Kenneth for the birds and the bees starting now.

KW: The larks in Holland Park made a nest out of straws and tissue which they stuffed in the lattice work. And a lady found it and sent it to The Times, and said people said to her "whereíd you get that lovely lampshade?" She said "no, itís a birds nest dear, theyíre made out of a drinking straw...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of birds nest.

NP: Thatís right, yes, youíve had more than one birds nest. So Derek takes over the subject, there are 12 seconds left for the birds and the bees starting now.

DN: I particularly like the jolly old honey bee. How nice it is in the meadow in June and see him flying around from clover leaf to lovely bits of foxglove, popping in to this little knoll, peeping around, coming out all yellow, flying off...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that Iím afraid is the end of the show for this week because we donít have any more time. Reading backwards Denise Coffey trailed a little in fourth place, behind Clement Freud who was a very good third to Kenneth Williams second. But they were both behind this weekís winner, by two points, Derek Nimmo. Iím sorry, Iím afraid thatís all we have time for this week. We do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, and from all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.