JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 February 1971)


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And may I remind you the rules are as before. Iím going to ask them to speak if they can on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how successful they are at being challenged or not being challenged, they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And Derek Nimmo will you begin, jellyfish. Will you talk to us about jellyfish for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: This is a perfectly rotten subject to be given. But I will endeavour to speak about jellyfish. Not awfully attractive things. Rather a misnomer if you think about it. Because theyíre not fish at all, are they really? Hahaha. Then one, one of the things that really attracts me to them is when you see them in the Bay of Biscay, those great Portugese men-of-war, floating towards you, their tentacles hanging down. And youíve got to do a pretty nippy crawl to get away, havenít you really, if you think about. Because if you stay there, you get stung! And thereís nothing worse, because you have to be dragged off into a boat, put on your back and people come along and flop things on you, cold creams and ointments until eventually youíre repaired and put ashore once more. I once knew a lady who was called Mrs Fish and because she was so fat we all used to call her Mrs Jelly Fish and she didnít like it at all...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of Mrs.

NP: Mrs Fish and Mrs, there was a re...

DN: Oh absolutely right!

NP: Absolutely right, yes! There we are!

DN: Jolly good!

NP: We loved it so much, you see, we were all with you. Clement Freud I agree with your challenge, there was a repetition of Mrs, so you take over the subject having gained a point, 10 seconds left, jellyfish starting now.

CF: And Mrs Fish lived in Liverpool, and looked after Derek Nimmo when he was a small boy together with...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ah deviate.

NP: Why?

KW: Because she never looked after him when she was a small boy.

DN: She did!

CF: She did actually.

DN: She did.

NP: Well as Derek Nimmo says she did, and Clement Freud was speaking, I must disagree...

KW: Anyway I was awfully bored by the whole thing! I think itís disgraceful so I, itís deviation on the grounds of boredom! And thatís totally valid!

NP: We canít create that rule or we would never get going! Clement Freud I disagree with the challenge so you gain another point and you have five seconds for jellyfish starting now.

CF: She was later succeeded by Nurse Lightfoot who kept...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, that is not true.

NP: Iím inclined to agree that that wasnít true.

DN: No, it was actually, absolutely true! Nurse Lightfoot!

CF: Heís constantly talking about Nurse Lightfoot...

NP: Well itís about Derek. Can you as a man who plays men of God on occasions...

CF: Heís always talking about them!

DN: I actually had a very curious childhood! Iím blessed to have to say that Miss Lightfoot lived next door to me, sheís getting married this very Saturday at the Adelphi Hotel...

KW: Oh well...

NP: A round of applause for Miss Lightfoot!

DN: Very good! Absolutely true!

KW: Whatís she got to do with jellyfish anyway?

NP: I was so... If you challenged on that score...

KW: That was what I meant to challenge on!

NP: But Iím afraid you didnít! Derekís firmly established that Miss Lightfoot did look after him. So Clement wasnít deviating, he has another point, two seconds left starting now.

CF: Halibut in asquith...

WHISTLE

NP: Well jellyfish, Miss Lightfoot and many other things helped Clement Freud to get many points at the end of that round. In fact at the end of the first round, heís the only person to have scored. Kenneth Williams, itís your turn to begin...

KW: Oh at last!

NP: We have heard from you Kenneth to some effect as well.

KW: But I mean, itís my subject. I havenít had a subject, have I?

NP: Well we hope this is your subject because Ian Messiterís thought of Rasputin for you.

KW: Oh!

NP: So can you talk to us about Rasputin for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well only in a very general sense. He was at the court of the Tsar...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Deviation, he wasnít a General, he was a monk.

KW: I said in the general sense!

NP: A clever try but not a legitimate challenge, so Kenneth gets a point, 55 seconds for Rasputin Kenneth starting now.


KW: One biographer described his cult as being unspeakably foul. And I am perfectly prepared to believe it. He exercised some sort of influence over the Empress because she thought he could wreak some miraculous...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged again.

DN: Deviation, she wasnít an Empress, she was a Tsarina.

NP: She was the Tsarina, but I mean...

KW: She was also the Empress yes.

NP: Canít you refer to her as Empress...

DN: The Tsar of Russia, he wasnít the Emperor.

KW: He was the Emperor as well.

DN: The Tsar of Russia!

NP: The Tsar of Russia and the Tsarina. But sometimes sheís referred to as the Empress, isnít she?

KW: Of couse she is!

CF: Or Fred!

NP: Right! As Iím not sure, Iíll be perfectly honest about this, I will let the audience be the judge as theyíre always the final judge.

CF: No you donít! Brilliant!

NP: She can be referred to as the Empress.

CF: Can we confine this vote to people with a degree in history?

NP: Yes! All those with any degree in history put up your hands? We have somebody at the back! Thereís somebody at the back with a degree in history! Sir you will be the judge! Can the Tsarina of Russia be referred to as the Empress of Russia? Thank you very much! I thought I was right! Kenneth, Rasputin is still with you and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well one night a member of the court, Prince Usipov, threw this party and done him in. I believe it was a rather nasty business. He stabbed him in all kinds of places. I donít want to go into it now, because obviously youíre not the kind of people who want to hear about a load of filth like that! But suffice it to say...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, I am the sort of person who wants to hear a load of filth!

NP: One of those impossible challenges that I have to decide about! And what I will say is this. Kenneth was definitely looking at the audience in the studio when he said you donít want to hear about that and his gaze was nowhere near Derek Nimmo!

KW: Nonetheless Derekís valid, itís a valid thing, quite valid!

NP: Give Derek a point...

KW: It is valid! Heís very clever! He made a definite point there!

NP: Yes, he was very... and the audience enjoyed it, and the applause means they approve of the challenge and so give Derek a point, but I donít think he was strictly speaking deviating from the subject of Rasputin...

KW: So Iím left with this rotten subject!

NP: And 19 seconds left, a point to Derek, starting now.

KW: Well actually Malenkov in his book on Rasputin says the lice were jumping in and out of his beard. And he retreated from the figure for fear of infection. How would you like it if you saw a load of things crawling...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth, in spite of not liking the subject, he managed to keep going in spite of three interruptions and finished with it, gained the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. And we now move on, oh, the score at the end of the second round, Clement is still in the lead, Kenneth in second place. Clement Freud, Japan, can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I have been to Japan to witness the Olympic Games which were, took place there in 1964. But I have recently visited a Japanese restaurant where the fare from that country was on offer. And what surprised me particularly was that we sat down very low on the floor. And a waitress brought saucepans and knives and forks and bits of food and a burner. And we were asked to cook our own repast, which amazed me because the bill was exceedingly high. And I wondered of weíd stayed and done the washing up, would we have been able to afford the asking price of that establishment. Japan is a country which consists of many islands, highly populated with labour that used to be vastly underpaid, and is now coming to a parity in international scale. But...

WHISTLE

NP: And I think he almost dried up at the end! He just kept going, finished with the subject, first time itís happened for a week or two. So Clement Freud not only gets a point for speaking on the whistle, but a bonus point, and increases his lead at the end of that round. Er Andree Melly...

ANDREE MELLY: Yes?

NP: The subject for you this week is fig leaves. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: These became famous very early on in the Bible as the first kind of topless bikinis. They... grow...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Derek, you take over the subject, 50 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

DN: I like them particularly when theyíre newly plucked from a tree and then put around a little concoction of rice, wheat, and you have donmadis. These should be eaten especially I think in the Aegean or one of those lovely islands like Poris...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Aegean is not an island. Itís a sea.

NP: But he said...

DN: I didnít say it was actually an island there, love.

CF: You were talking about Aegean or one of those lovely islands.

NP: In the Aegean, or one of those lovely islands. He didnít get any further because you had decided that that sounded like...

CF: Deviation, do you really think...

NP: I disagree with the challenge...

CF: Swim out into the sea and eat vine leaves!

NP: Derek Nimmo has a point and there are 35 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

DN: Theyíre particularly attractive if you swim out into the sea to eat them. They then should be held between your teeth whilst youíre doing a crawl or perhaps a gentle...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, nobody stands about eating fig leaves in the water! Itís a load of rubbish!

NP: I donít think anybody would actually put fig leaves in their mouth under the Aegean. But of course it is possible that you could do it. This is the difficult problem one has in making decisions...

KW: Itís deviation! Come along! Itís established as deviation...

NP: No...

KW: He loses the point.

NP: All right, Iíll leave this one to the audience because it was possible that you could do this, though it does sound a very devious action. Therefore it is possible, if you agree with Kennethís challenge will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíve decided that people do not swim out to the Aegean with fig leaves in their mouths. So Kenneth you have a point and 25 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

KW: Well IĎve nothing to say about fig leaves...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Andree Melly got in first.

AM: Deviation because heís nothing to say.

NP: All right Andree you have a point, 19 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

AM: They are to be found in the Mediterranean, next to the figs which are very delicious fruits. And I believe... they kep...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Clement, another point to you, 15 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

CF: My first zoot suit was made entirely from fig leaves, and the jacket...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, if we werenít allowed to swim out into the Mediterranean with fig leaves, you canít possibly have a zoot suit made of fig leaves!

NP: Can you justify a zoot suit from fig leaves? No you canít! Four seconds for you Derek on fig leaves starting now.

DN: If you buy a box in Fortnum and Mason of these particular...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Advertising! Youíre not allowed to do that by BBC charter!

NP: Oh what a difficult decision because deliberate advertising you could call... Yeah but itís not deviation from the subject on the card which is fig leaves even though he must watch it because heís not allowed to advertise on the BBC. One second left for fig leaves Derek starting now.

DN: I always watch fig leaves on TV...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek leapt forward with fig leaves from, I think, the fourth position...

KW: Cheating he was! Thatís how he leapt forward! Cheating! All that stuff about swimming out and eating them, swimming out in the ocean to eat fig leaves...

NP: Anyway heís now in second place, one point behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is ludo. Can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Oh gosh that reminds me of my happy nursery days with Nurse Fish...

BUZZ

NP: Yes, somebody pressed their buzzer but didnít keep it on long enough because no light has come on.

KW: It was me.

NP: All right. Kenneth what was your challenge?

KW: I donít want to hear about this nurse again! Heís always dragging his nurse in!

NP: Anyway I disagree with the challenge Derek, you have another point, 56 seconds, ludo starting now.

DN: Very happy game, played on a square board...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Yes before, he said he reminds me of my happy days...

NP: Thatís right...

KW: ...and now he had happy again.

NP: Repetition of happy. So Kenneth you have a point on this occasion and there are 53 seconds left for ludo starting now.

KW: I first met Mrs Doe in the Isle of Dogs and her Christian name was Louise. She was therefore often referred to as Lou Doe. I became very much attached to her, and so much so that on one occasion...

BUZZ

KW: ...to be unglued...

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged.

AM: Very much, so much.

NP: Yes there was a repetition of much, which um I have to agree with...

KW: Thatís fair enough. I would accept your verdict. Youíre a very fair man, I know that.

NP: Therefore Andree has a point for that, 34 seconds left for ludo starting now.

AM: This lady kept a fish and chip shop which was very successful...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, she donít know her! I know her! Itís... I mean, she pinched her off me, itís my character, innit! Itís my character, innit, she pinched her!

NP: If it, if it was a fictitious Lou Doe, sheís obviously pinched her, in which case she can take Lou Doe anywhere she likes! If yours was a real one, then she can also have her own real one. And therefore she wasnít technically deviating from the subject...

DN: Can we ask if there are any geneaologists in the audience?

NP: Thirty seconds for you to continue with ludo, Andree, starting now.

AM: Many an evening Iíve sat with Lou, enjoying my one and ninepence of chips and crackle...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I think so, only just! But just there! Derek 25 seconds for ludo starting now.

DN: When the Winbradsky brothers applied for their television licenses, and subsequently became associated...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You canít have multiple applications of television licenses!

NP: But he never said there were multiple app, he said...

CF: Yes!

NP: ...they were brothers but they applied, it must only be one application with the brothersí name on it. And so Derek has another point, ludo, 18 seconds left starting now.

DN: You have a little cube, and on it there are six numbers, one, two, three, four, five and the one I mentioned a moment ago. You shake it inside a little pot and throw it down, and see what you have been given by the Gods of chancet...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged on Gods of chance.

KW: Because the Gods of chance donít, er, thereís no such thing, itís a load of rubbish! Thereís no such thing, the Gods of chance, thereís no such thing.

NP: Itís a colloquial expression...

KW: No itís not at all! Nobody goes around here saying "look at the Gods of chance!"

NP: All right, let the audience be the final judge. So if you agree with Kennethís challenge about the Gods of chance, would you cheer, and if you disagree and believe that Derek is right, would you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Youíre on Derekís side, thereís no doubt about it, the Gods of chance have won the day, Derek has two... one second left for ludo starting now.

DN: Cat people...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, no, Derek has another point, half a second left for ludo starting now.

DN: Oh my goodness me!

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo has a very commanding lead over the others. Clement Freud is in second place and Kenneth Williams and Andree Melly are almost equal in third place. Kenneth your turn to begin. The subject which I think Ianís chosen specially for you, old gentleman, can you talk to us about old gentleman starting now.

KW: (in old voice) Well of course I am one myself. And I have carted about the streets of Bloomsbury and St Pancreas on many moons, and am an habituť...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged. Why?

DN: Well I canít understand a word! Could you, Iíd be quite happy...

NP: Youíre obviously not old enough!

DN: Yes!

KW: Thatís funny coming from you who always does those funny voices every week!

NP: You canít, you canít understand a word, on what basis are you challenging?

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: Oh no no no...

DN: No...

NP: No, he did keep going, in a rather elderly way but he kept going. Kenneth you continue with 42 seconds left, old gentleman starting now.

KW: (old voice) One of the peculiarities of old gentlemen is that the back of the larynx becomes very restricted with the approach of old age. And this very often makes speech a peculiar difficulty. But I still go on plucking up the courage, like I do! And...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged. Why?

AM: Well heís getting red in the face, I think heís going to pass out! So I thought I better give him a breather!

NP: Well old men often do pass out when they get a bit too excited. But that is not a correct deviation from old gentlemen, so 11 seconds Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well let them have...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: From that awful voice!

NP: Give Clement Freud a bonus point for a good challenge and leave the subject with Kenneth Williams because he wasnít strictly speaking deviating from old gentlemen, eight seconds left starting now.

KW: (in old voice) The greatest pleasure in the bushes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged you again.

CF: Deviation from that other voice! Do you think Iím pushing my luck?

NP: Yes you are! Even the audience think youíve pushed it too far! Kenneth has another point, five seconds for old gentlemen Kenneth starting now.

KW: Some of them affect spats, and I must say Iím afraid a literal...

WHISTLE

NP: Well on this occasion it was Kenneth Williams who was speaking as the whistle went, gains the extra point, he also gained a number of others and he has leapt forward equal in second place with Clement Freud, but theyíre both trailing four points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Andree Melly, your turn to begin, elastic. Can you talk to us about elastic for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: This is something which comes in all different shapes and sizes. Thereís the black thick kind used for garters, and the thin white variety...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation I agree Derek, and there are 54 seconds left for elastic starting now.

DN: Well if you snap your elastic this often leads to nudism, particularly in elderly gentlemen. And therefore itís something youíve got to be terribly careful about. I make sure when I put my nickers on in the morning, theyíre firmly in place! And I do commend this to you at all. When you...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth...

DN: ... go out of this building tonight make sure your elastic...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

DN: Why? Come on! Why! Why! Whatís wrong! Whatís wrong with that! Come on, tell me!

KW: You said that you put your nickers on every morning.

DN: I do!

KW: Well I donít believe you!

CF: Yes!

NP: Derek...

CF: Iíve often seen him without nickers! He is quite right!

DN: If I, if I display my nickers, I would be accused of deviation! So therefore I am not going to be condemned by...

NP: Theyíre so clever the way they wriggle out of it! I think, to be fair to Derek Nimmo, I donít think he wears nickers. Do you think he wears nickers, audience?

DN: Yes of course they do.

NP: Yes they all think he wears nickers!

DN: They all think Iím wearing nickers!

NP: All right, the audience are the final judge, you really think that Derek wears nickers?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Derek and his nickers get a point and 37 seconds for elastic Derek starting now.

DN: If you want to go and shoot a stone at somebody, you should get some elastic, put it on the end of two pieces of wood with a joint in the middle, pull it back rather hard and let it go straight into the control box up there. And youíll hit old David Hatch and what fun that would be. Another use for elastic is if you are in an aeroplane, and you want to wind down the window in a Dixie moth, then you pull a piece of this material very hard in a circular direction, having wound it round the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, also his elastic and his nickers gained him a lot of extra points and increased his lead at the end of that round. And Derek itís your turn to begin the next round and the subject is sentiment. Can you talk to us about sentiment for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I do think this is the most wonderful quality for one to have. Kenneth Williams is a man of quite extraordinary qualities. Iíve seen him go up out into the street on a dark night...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I donít want to hear any more!

NP: So why did you challenge?

CF: To save my friend from embarrassment!

KW: Iím not embarrassed! You shut your great mouth! I was loving it! Loving every minute of it! Go on Derek! Itís nice!

CF: If he wants, if he wants to go out on a dark night, itís his own business!

NP: Yes but within the rules of the game what was your basis for challenging?

CF: Itís nothing to do with sentiment.

KW: Oh, on the contrary...

NP: I think he was showing, he was showing very warm sentiments towards er Derek. Sometimes the way he speaks to him, you wouldnít believe he felt so warmly towards him!

CF: I should give him a point!

NP: Heís going to get a point.

CF: Oh good!

NP: So heís won a point...

CF: Letís stop talking about it!

NP: ...for an incorrect challenge and he continues for 23 seconds for sentiment starting now.

DN: My dear old chum is sometimes reduced to tears by the sentiments of Clement Freud that are often vulgar...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Deviation, itís sentiment and he said the sentiments which is what heís talking about.

NP: Sentiment and the sentiments, thereís a slight difference, four seconds left Andree, sentiment starting now.

AM: This is something that women particularly know about and these men here...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Again, 30 seconds has gone in a flash. And at the end of that round in spite of that last challenge of Andreeís, she crept up a little but she was finally in fourth place. And Kenneth Williams was in third place without any doubt this week. And second place was taken by Clement Freud but he was still behind Derek Nimmo who had an overwhelming number of points, so is this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! We hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.