JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JMacKenzie
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JACQUELINE MACKENZIE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 December 1970)

NOTE: Jacqueline MacKenzie's final appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Jacqueline MacKenzie in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we welcome the four keen competitors to do battle. And theyíre all going to try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation, that is without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do it and how often they are challenged they will either gain points or give them away. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth a very apt subject for you and a marvelous subject I think to begin the show with, panic. Kenneth will you talk to us about panic for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: (getting slower and slower as he speaks) Well this sort of thing generally sets in when the circumstances appear to be outside of the range of oneís normal control. If a person understands...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

KW: Ah, what?

NP: Why have you challenged Clement?

CLEMENT FREUD: The batteryís run down!

NP: The battery on your buzzer or the er.... So on what basis do you challenge then?

CF: Well I think maybe the audience...


NP: The audience have definitely said that youíve won a point but I wanted to know what er, what you think it...

CF: I thought he slowed down beyond the point of decency.

KW: Speaking slow is not the point, itís hesitation youíve got to get me on.

NP: But there must come a point Kenneth when you get so slow...

KW: At no point, should... this game is about hesitation, repetition or deviation anjd I did none of those three things!

NP: No but you got...

KW: So donít flannel me mate!

NP: Ladies and gentlemen youíve been listening to the Kenneth Williams Show! Ah there must come a point Kenneth when you do go so slowly that it becomes I think interpreted as hesitation. I am not going to be the judge. If you agree with Clement Freudís challenge of a hesitation because of slowness will you cheer. If you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You see Kenneth? Clement Freud has a point and there are 47 seconds left for panic Clement starting now.

CF: In the 1920s Panic was one of the finest six furlong sprinters to be seen on the racecourses here. He won victories at Great Yarmouth, Newmarket, Devon and Exeter, and there was one occasion late in June at Ludlow...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: I think his batteryís running down!

NP: Itís very clever! Did you see, ladies and gentlemen of the audience, how Kenneth suddenly got the idea and suddenly leapt forward! All right Iíll tell you what Iíll do, Iíll be utterly fair about this. I put the decision last time about that to...

KW: Oh put it to them again!

NP: All right! If you agree with Kenneth Williamsí challenge will you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It wasnít as decisive as last time but I would say the cheers just got it, yes, just got it. Wasnít decisive, you see.

KW: Of course they just got it duckie, because right was on my side!

NP: You cheered as well, did you?

KW: Yes!

NP: All right then! Clement Freud who is so clever at the game, I am sure, can afford to be magnanimous and I am sure can allow you to take over the subject of panic again, having gained a point, 19 seconds left starting now.

KW: It very often leads to hysteria. And a great screaming and shouting, rush for the doors. And people falling over each other in the melee, police called and fire brigades, horrible mutilations everywhere. Oh my legs! Oh my arm! Whereís my head?

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged just before the whistle went.

CF: Repetition of oh my! Oh my legs, oh my arm.

NP: Itís true, isnít it. It;s true, Iíve got to give it to him. Heís so clever getting in just before the whistle goes. So Clement I have to agree with you, you gain another point, you take over the subject of panic and there are two seconds left starting now.

CF: Sandown Park on the outskirts of...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who may not know, the whistle which is blown so beautifully by Ian Messiter who sits beside me tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud so he now has a very commanding lead over everybody else at the end of that round. In fact two people have yet to score and Kenneth Williams has one. Oh Clement itís your turn to begin the next round. The subject that has been thought of for you is 12th birthdays. So can you talk about 12th birthdays for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: By a strange coincidence this is exactly what is occurring in my family at this moment. And what we do is we go out and purchase macaroons and doughnuts, jam tarts, waffles, jellies, custards and make biscuits sandwiches and tomato and cheese, pickle, chutney, relish, horseradish to which he is particularly partial. And we get a cake with 12 candles and by means of deploying a dozen matches, each of these static lights is lit or made active as they say in television. Then do we gather around this festive board. And my wife, the honest butler, the carriage attendant and our chauffeur sing happy birthday to you...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

CF: ....a joyous anniversary before the cheerful celebrations, dear Dominic, utter glumptiousness on the occasion of the renewal of your date of birth!

NP: He not only kept going for 60 seconds, he kept going in spite of challenges! You were challenged, what was it?

DEREK NIMMO: Well deviation, I donít think his wife is an honest butler!

NP: I donít know what her maiden name was actually! But no, obviously you can refer to your wife, especially if youíre using a literary phrase. So Clement I have to agree with you, you gain another point and there are two seconds left, starting now.

CF: Up in a Christmas tree...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud got a strange subject and in spite of the challenges he kept going throughout to the end. And he has increased his lead quite considerably over everybody else at the end of that round. Jacqueline MacKenzie will you begin the next round, the subject is occasions on which I wear earrings. Youíve had a little moment to think about the subject so can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

JACQUELINE MACKENZIE: Well I hope Iím not very different from other people. But as a rule I wear earrings on my lobes at occasions. And this is something I havenít done latterly. Because I wear earrings only in public, on festive events, mostly at night. And latterly with the fact that clothes arenít often won or worn late at night, I have been there...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: There were two late at nights.

NP: Yes there were two late at nights. And the idea...

CF: And very dull too, isnít it!

NP: Well not only that, the idea of clothes not being worn latterly late at night! I wonder what sort of parties Jacqueline attends actually! Kenneth I agree with your challenge so you gain a point and you take over the subject, there are 37 seconds left, occasions on which I wear earrings. You may well look shattered! Youíve had a little moment to think about it, now tell us Kenneth would you the occasions...

KW: I didnít realise that was the subject!

NP: She said latterly twice and nobody challenged her way back because they didnít want to get in with it either! So you got on, will you tell us Ian, Kenneth for 37 seconds the occasions on which you would wear earrings starting...

KW: Oh itís murder!

NP: Starting now.

KW: Well the one occasion on which I did do it was when I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The subjectís occasions.

NP: Yes and he spoke, he was about to tell us about one occasion...

CF: The one occasion! The one occasion!

NP: Well he often uses this expression the one, the occasion...

KW: Thatís true! I do! He knows me, you see!

NP: I agree that this is not probably the best English but people do use this expression colloquially...

KW: Thatís right! Thatís right!

NP: And one has to speak colloquially in this game otherwise youíd never...

KW: Thatís very fair! Thatís very proper!

NP: Iím glad Iíve been proper with you on this. I was being er um... Kenneth you gain another point because I disagree with the challenge. There are 34 seconds left for you to tell us the occasion, no, the occasions on which I wear earrings starting now.

KW: I remember purchasing these for a lady. And it occurred to me that I should try them out apropos of that... no, apropos...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well there were two aproposes, and a hesitation before that happened....

KW: Well I meant, you see, youíre not supposed to say apropos of...

NP: Look youíve been hit...

KW: Youíre supposed to say apropos the thing...

NP: Yes...

KW: Youíre not supposed to say apropos of it. Thatís what I was trying to correct.

NP: They made you self-conscious about your English, because you said said the occasion.

KW: Thatís what I mean, yes.

NP: Of course. But unfortunately I have to agree with the challenge, itís legitimate. Derek...

KW: Oh lackaday! Rue, rue!

NP: We must ask him on the programme one time! There are 21 seconds left Derek for you to continue, occasions on which I wear earrings starting now.

DN: Whenever I go to a boyís 12th birthday I always wear the most magnificent pair of sequined earrings. And I get on to my horse which...

BUZZ

DN: ...is a lovely white stallion, riding across the desert on my way there. And when I get and they see...

NP: Iím sorry, the buzzer didnít sound actually but the light in front of me tells me that Kenneth Williams challenged, Derek. Why Kenneth?

KW: Because itís patently obvious that it was all lies!

NP: Well we donít know. It might be patently obvious to you but we donít know. And therefore as we have no means of judging we just have to accept his word because he wasnít deviating from the subject on the card and he continues with occasions on which I wear earrings with another point Derek, 11 seconds left, starting now.

DN: Another time was when I was at Chissick empire in Aladdin and I was playing the Grand Vizier. And I had two large gold earrings which I found awfully attractive. And the audience used to applaud them every night when I went out...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek was speaking then when the whistle went, he gains another point, heís now in second place equal with Kenneth Williams who are both trailing a little behind our leader still Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject is the art of listening. Would you talk to us for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KW: The art of listening consists of appearing to be interested whether you are in fact or not. And it is something I have never really mastered in the sense of mastery. But of course one can incline the head and appear to be interested. I find that very difficult and I often nod off. I frequently nod off...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Well... where does one start?

NP: Well all right...

CF: Nod off, nod off.

NP: Nod off, nod off, yes. And Clement I agree with the challenge, you take over the subject, 33 seconds left, the art of listening starting now.

CF: This is really a very difficult subject on which to talk. Because ideally one says nothing, inclines oneís head as my colleague Kenneth Williams so wisely stated...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Well itís repetition.

NP: Why?

KW: You said I said it!

NP: Yes but...

KW: And I did say incline your head, I said it.

NP: Yes but you said it, but he didnít say it before. And thatís when youíre repetitious, when you when youíre speaking with the subject, when you repeat it, something that you actually said before, not in reference to somebody else who said something. So itís not a clear challenge, I mean itís not a legitimate one. So Clement gets another point and there are 18 seconds left for the art of listening starting now.

CF: Arthur the third Earl of Shrewsbury was possibly the greatest exponent of this art. And many memorial statues have been put up in cities and county towns in England, showing this good man, this noble virtuous soldier who tried...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: The third Earl of Shrewsbury wasnít a soldier! Deviation.

NP: How do you know, how does Clement no, how do I know? How does anybody in the audience know? He might have been a soldier, he might have been in the local Home Guard...

DN: He wasnít a soldier, he ducked it.

NP: He might have been in the local Home Guard, you never know at the time...

DN: At the time he was too old, there wasnít a Home Guard.

KW: Of course! Derek knows this subject! You see, heís caught you out!

NP: You donít even know which Earl of Shrewsbury heís referring to.

DN: The third Earl of Shrewsbury, he said.

NP: And he was definitely not a soldier?

DN: Definitely not a soldier.

NP: Ladies and gentlemen, he, he might have done some soldiering, we do not know for certain. So if you agree with Derekís challenge would you cheer and if you disagree would you boo and would you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You have decided that the third Earl of Shrewsbury never did any soldiering. And if thereís any relations of his now, descendants of his listening in, and they thought that their ancestor did a little bit of soldiering, the honour of the family, then I apologise for our audience. But Derek Nimmo gains a point and takes over the subject of the art of listening, five seconds left starting now.

DN: The second Lord Chesterfield on the other hand was the most splendid listener and was known to breach the silence...

WHISTLE

NP: On that occasion Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went so he gains another point but heís still in second place behind Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams is in third place a little way behind and Jacqueline is trailing a little behind Kenneth. Jacqueline itís your turn to begin the next round, the subject is tidying out my drawers. Can you talk to us about tidying out my drawers for 60 seconds starting now.

JM: Tidying out my drawers has been the bane of my existence. Because I live most of the time in a suitcase and I donít have those parts of a wardrobe within that transportation piece of item article. I spend my time tidying out other peopleís various receptacles for clothes, underwear and nasty pieces of paper, sweet papers, which usually belong...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Paper, paper.

NP: Yes there were two pieces of paper and an awful lot of words that didnít make sense.

JM: Sweet papers.

NP: But there were definitely two pieces of paper.

JM: When did I ever make any sense?

NP: Ah Clement you have got the subject, and I defy you to continue in the same tone...

KW: You defy him?

NP: Yes.

KW: You should encourage and help, not defy him!

NP: I defy him not to lower the standard of the programme...

KW: Oh I see! Oh well you should express yourself more articulately.

NP: Give me a chance! Tidying out my drawers Clement, can you talk to us on that for 34 seconds starting now.

CF: I find this a very substantial task because my drawers are very much longer than most peoples. And I begin by removing any hairs from my knees and upper thigh. Whereafter I rise gently on the anatomy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: I wish I hadnít!

NP: So all that happens if you take back the challenge is that, because youíve pressed your buzzer Clement gains a point and continues for 18 seconds, tidying out my drawers starting now.

CF: There are also sideboards which contain pants and vests, shirts, collars...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Sideboards couldnít possibly contain vests and pants, they come down from your ears and you...

NP: And even, of course Kenneth, if you take... even if you take sideboards in the other sense that he has a sideboard in the dining room and he keeps his vest and pants in it, itís very devious isnít it.

KW: Yes.

NP: So on both scores I must obviously give it to you and say that you have 14 seconds left for tidying out my drawers starting now.

KW: This is ridiculous and it should be retitled tidying up. I have never in my life heard the word accompanied by out. And it should never have been put so in the first place. Ian Messiter should be publicly categised...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Heís not talking about the subject, heís just sort of castigating Ian Messiter.

KW: Of course Iím discussing the subject!

NP: He is!

KW: Iím discussing the subject, how it should be phrased. How dare you! Thank you Clement, thank you!

NP: Yes!

KW: Iíve been a...

CF: Leave him alone!

DN: Iím sorry!

KW: Thank you Clement!

NP: Anybody else want to speak up for Kenneth Williams before the chairman says something? All right there we are so you see Derek, um, quite fairly he was speaking about the subject on the card. And he was being very cruel to Ian Messiter and criticising him for the way...

DN: Yes, who thought up the game!

NP: And thought up the game! Who invited you to be on the programme!

DN: Yes!

NP: Yes!

DN: Very horrid Kenneth if you think about it.

NP: So but youíve gained a point so what does it matter, thatís all that matters isnít in this game, the points. So there are two seconds left for tidying out my drawers Kenneth starting now.

KW: On the other hand, he draws me out...

WHISTLE

KW: Very good whistle that.

NP: Kennethís drawers have given him a leap forward. And heís gone from fourth to third place just behind Derek whoís still quite a way behind Clement Freud whoís still in the lead. Derek a good subject for you to begin the next round with, Charlie. Can you talk to us about Charlie for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I am proud to be able to say here that I am the original Charlie. There are lots of imitators but when people see me in the street, my goodness, they say heís a right Charlie. And there I am, and I admit to it immediately. Also of course one thinks of speed bonnie boat like a bird on the wing, over the sea to Skye, carrying the lad thatís born to be King... whatís the matter, has somebody buzzed?

BUZZ

NP: No. Clement Freud has buzzed now.

DN: Iím so sorry, I thought I heard a buzz.

NP: That hush put us in awe...

DN: Oh.

NP: But your actual delivery on that occasion put us in even more awe-struck awe. Thatís why you paused, Clement Freud got in first with his challenge, why have you challenged Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation I agree. Clement you gain a point, 30 seconds left for Charlie starting now.

CF: Charlie is my darling, my...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Well it must be deviation!

NP: All right, say no more! Take the subject and a point and 26 seconds left for Charlie starting now.

DN: I once appeared in a musical comedy in the Strand with that name and a girl on the end of it. And goodness me it was a happy time. All sorts of jolly chums I made, Dame Anna Neagle, fullstop who was there with me, a most lovely lady. And other people too if I could only think who was the most beautiful of them all...

BUZZ

NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie why have you challenged?

JM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was.

DN: Oh yes.

NP: Yes.

DN: Quite.

NP: So Jacqueline you gain a point and the subject, there are five seconds left for Charlie starting now.

JM: Well for my money the greatest Charlie of all was Charlie Chaplin, a Cockney and a great...

WHISTLE

NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie was then speaking as the whistle went and she gains another point for that. She is still alas in fourth place behind Kenneth. Kenneth is just two points behind Derek, but theyíre all quite a few points behind Clement Freud. Clement, um no sorry Kenneth itís your turn to begin, the subject is Sunday. Can you talk to us for about a minute on that starting now.

KW: A day of solemnity when one hears the church bells ringing a hateful sound! And indeed I wrote to this vicar and said "canít you stop Ďem?" And he said "no, itís the established church, we have the right to ring them whenever we like, to call them to worship". I said "well do it another way! Thereís all sorts of modern ways you could do it. You donít have to just blang, blang, blang, blang...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

KW: It goes on blanging in that fashion!

DN: A lot of blangs!

KW: And the reverberation, I said...

DN: Repetition of blang!

KW: ...mind you they said the crack in Big Ben gives it its lovely quality, donít they? Have you heard that said? Actually...

NP: You blanged...

KW: Who challenged me?

NP: Derek challenged you and...

KW: Oh? On what grounds?

DN: Blang, blang!

NP: Blang, blang! And you tried to blang your way out of it.

KW: That was onomatopoeic!

NP: So there we are, Derek you have a correct challenge, repetition of bangs and er you gain a point and the subject and there are 35 seconds left for Sunday starting now.

DN: Sometimes I leap into my motorcar and drive down to the coast. And there I have a little boat with a blue sail and a white hull. And I get into it and float across the waves with the oars going one, two, three, because I have one at the front end and two at the back...

BUZZ

DN: And then I...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of both one and two.

NP: Yes thatís right, you had one at the front and you said one twice...

DN: Absolutely right!

NP: Yes thatís right!

DN: Totally right, my goodness!

NP: Clement has a point and there are 17 seconds left for Sunday starting now.

CF: The fifth Lord Brecknock once said to his second wife that...

BUZZ

NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie why have you challenged?

JM: Absolutely no fifth Lord Brecknock!

KW: He means the pub!

JM: In that case...

NP: Obviously as I was not prepared to judge on the third Earl of Shrewsbury if he did any soldiering, Iím not going to judge on the fifth Earl Brecknock. Clement Freud gains another point therefore, he has 13 seconds for Sunday starting now.

CF: Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week, because...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Saturday night is not what weíre discussing. Itís Sunday! And I donít see how by any stretch of the imagination you could possibly introduce Saturday night into this discussion! Iím moved, Iím impassioned...

NP: You are absolutely impassioned! And probably the reason he introduced it is because it is the day before Sunday. Didnít that occur to you? And so Iím afraid that you didnít give him a chance. Though Iíd love to hear you go further on Sunday, I must be fair according to the rules of the game...

KW: Fair?

NP: Yes! And say Clement has another point. There are 10 seconds left for Sunday Clement starting now.

CF: Because that is the night my sweetheart and I used to dance cheek to cheek...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: Derek Nimmo has gained a point for a legitimate challenge, he takes over the subject with seven seconds left for Sunday starting now.

DN: One Sunday on the Isle of Shumer I turned to the Dowager Viscountess Selby and said...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: We all know thereís no such person!

JM: Itís a pub Kenneth!

KW: Oh!

NP: Jacqueline, Jacqueline, how do you turn to a pub and speak to her?

CF: Easily!

NP: And speak to her, Kenneth?

KW: If this Dowager lady exists sheíll be furious at you saying sheís a pub!

NP: All right, in deference to her Ladyship weíll say that Derek Nimmo has a point for an incorrect challenge, two seconds left starting now.

DN: Letís go down to the jetty...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím sorry to have to tell you ladies and gentlemen that there is no more time to play this particular game of Just A Minute. Jacqueline MacKenzie was just in fourth place behind Kenneth Williams who trailed a little behind Derek Nimmo who was in second place. But our leader and winner this week was Clement Freud. I hope for the sake of the chairman, the panel in future will stop bringing in names of the aristocracy, I find it very difficult to judge whether theyíre dead or alive. But we do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.