JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,BCryer,CTimothy
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, BARRY CRYER and CHRISTOPHER TIMOTHY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 May 1989)

NOTE: Christopher Timothy's final appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And once more it is my pleasure as the Minute Waltz fades away to introduce to you the four exciting and unusual personalities who this week are going to play our game. Well we welcome back Derek Nimmo and Christopher Timothy and Barry Cryer and Clement Freud. Will you please welcome all four of them. And as usual I will ask them to speak if they can on the subject that I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. Beside me sits Ian Messiter the creator of the game who has a stopwatch in one hand, a pair of headphones on so that the producer can shout at him if he likes. He also has a whistle that he will blow when the 60 seconds are up. And weíll begin the show this week with Christopher Timothy. Christopher the subject is keeping baby amused. Will you tell us how you do that, or talk on the subject in Just A Minute starting now.

CHRISTOPHER TIMOTHY: It so happens that I do have several children. But I do not claim that this in any way qualifies me to talk wisely on this subject. However I know that a great dela of thanks and respect is offered to a certain Doctor Spock. Not the man indeed who used to say "negative Captain". But the man who created a book...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of man.

NP: Iím afraid... all right, audience, I was listening.

CT: Whose side are you on?

NP: Weíve got a very vociferous audience obviously. Weíve only just me them but Iím sure they are going to express themselves. Ah Christopher that was a correct challenge against you so Derek Nimmo gets a point for that. He takes over the subject of keeping baby amused, there are 42 seconds left starting now.

DN: The way I keep babies amused really is by reciting nursery rhymes. Theyíre so frightfully keen on me doing that, you know. Itís surprising isnít it, that. Mary ditto quite contrary, how does your garden grow, with cockle shells and little bells, and pretty maids all in a row. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, the first mentioned fell down and broke his crown and his girlfriend came tumbling after. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall... he had a very great fall...

BUZZ

NP: Well if you recited them like that to your children Derek, no... I wonder they ever managed to understand anything! Clement Freud you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation is right of course because he tried to find another way of expressing Humpty. And there are nine seconds left on keeping baby amused Clement starting now.

CF: I do loathe the expressions like baby when in fact you mean the child or infant. But keeping baby amused is best done...

BUZZ

NP: Um Christopher Timothy challenged.

CT: Repeated baby.

NP: Itís on the card, keeping baby amused. An incorrect challenge and one secondís left on keeping baby amused starting now.

CF: Making faces.

WHISTLE

NP: So whoever is speaking as the whistle is blown gets an extra point. It was on this occasion Clement Freud, he has most points at the end of the round, three, heís ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Barry Cryer and Christopher Timothy have yet to score. But itís early days. Clement Freud would you take the next round, the subject, rotten hosts, will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: In order to identify a rotten host, you have to be a rotten guest. Otherwise thereís no way that you could tell. And I think somebody who accepts an invitation when he doesnít know the quality of the person who is going to be the beneficiary of largesse ought to be thoroughly ashamed of himself. I went to Sri Lanka to stay with some people. And my youngest son advised me that on that island that used to be called Ceylon there was a desperate shortage of Nescafe and toilet paper. And because I had been invited by someone who was gracious I brought with me huge bundles of supply of both those commodities, to find that they were in no shorter....

BUZZ

NP: So Derek Nimmo challenged, he just couldnít get round that one. And Derek you are on for hesitation I know. Sixteen seconds, rotten hosts, starting now.

DN: The only time Iíve ever had or eaten a rotten host was in fact in Bordeaux in France. In the Great Cathedral, the Monolith there, I was made a member of the Joux de Santimilion. And curiously enough the frogs instead of having wafers, they have actual bread. Now perhaps it was a few days early I donít know, but when...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was speaking then as the whistle went, gained the extra point and heís now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. And Barry Cryer your turn to begin. The subject, fox. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

BARRY CRYER: The fox is a doglike carnivore, known in the Latin as volpais and the same word again, twice in essence. It is of a red, grey or even white hue, on the underbelly, that is where the last colour usually occurs. But red to brown is the usual combination...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of red.

NP: You had red and brown...

BC: Yes I did.

NP: Yes Iím afraid...

BC: Even I noticed that!

NP: Yes you did.

BC: I was listening while I was talking!

NP: Which is quite a feat isnít it! Ah 41 seconds for you Derek on fox starting now.

DN: Now the fox was known or used in military terms as the English broadsaw. Now this is really quite interesting because the metal itself was made in Toledo in Spain, you know, the old capital city before Philip moved it to Madrid. And the fox was the sign of the maker that made this particular kind of weaponry. Now that went into the English parlance and has remained so right through to the present day. So if you go along to Greenwich Naval College and you say "can I have a look at your fox?" heíll whip it out and show it to you! Mind you, I like fox hunting myself. Thereís no more exciting time than on foxing day when you hear the master...

WHISTLE

NP: So once he got the subject of fox Derek Nimmo kept going until the whistle went and now has increased... heís not increased his lead... yes heís increased his lead over Clement Freud at the end of the round. And Derek, itís your turn to begin, the subject, piers. Will you tell us something about piers starting now.

DN: I have a son who is called Piers James Alexander Nimmo. He is 21 this year, heís six foot two inches tall, extraordinarily thin and tolerably thick! But heís very pleasant and Iíve always liked him a great deal. And somehow he went around with me this year as stage manager through some 16 countries in a aplay called The Little Hut. And I said "hello Piers" and he says "hello Derek". I didnít like that somehow...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two helloes.

NP: Yes you were saying...

CF: Hello, hello.

NP: ...hello too often Iím afraid. Clement, 32 seconds for piers starting now.

CF: We used to have a lot of them in East Anglia, Yarmouth Pier, Lowestoft, Southworld, Felixstowe, Harrowage. And if you go round the country you will find them at Brighton, Hastings, Newhaven, Plymouth, Exeter (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Is there still a pier at Plymouth?

NP: Thereís not one at Exeter, Barry.

BC: Sorry, I was... I was coming to that!

NP: Barry you have 17 seconds to tell us something about piers starting now.

BC: The word piers reminds me of Donald the singer who used to regale us with "by a babbling brook". He was a charming man who would never sit down in his stage suit because he said it creased it. His trousers creases were amazing to behold...

BUZZ

NP: No...

DN: A wrong challenge.

NP: An incorrect challenge, yes he said creased and creases that time. So Barry you have another point for an incorrect challenge and five seconds left on piers starting now.

BC: I once cut a finger on the trousers of the afore-mentioned gentleman who was about to walk on the stage to regale us...

WHISTLE

NP: So Barry Cryer was speaking when the whistle went, the first time for quite a while because itís a long time since he was last with us. And he ahs now moved into third place just one point behind Clement Freud and two behind Derek Nimmo. And Christopher Timothy begins the next round which is superstition. Will you tell us something about superstition Christopher starting now.

CT: This is rife in theatre circles, one of the most famous being that an actor shouldnít never ever say the word of the Scottish King immortalised by William Shakespeare whose name actually was MacBeth. Neither should you whistle in the dressing room because that can only bring bad luck. And one of the strangest I find is soap in the sink. It is said that if you leave the same material in the sink when you leave...

BUZZ

NP: Awwww.

CT: What?

DN: Two sinks.

NP: Youíve managed not to repeat the word soap but you did repeat the word sink.

CT: Did I?

NP: Yes.

CT: Silly me!

NP: Yes. Thatís what happens. So Derek Nimmo got in first and there are 32 seconds for you Derek on superstition starting now.

DN: I have a lot of very peculiar superstitions. For instance I never crush an earwig on the first Tuesday of the month. Every time I see a rabbit in a shop on a Thursday in March, I reach for a motorcar horn and blow it loudly. This I carry with me in a pocket, you see, specially for the occasion. Walking under ladders, I donít mind at all. I think itís the greatest sport particularly if thereís somebody at the top, you give it a bang and he falls over! That doesnít really make it true. Some people have too many superstitions and one...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo took the subject of superstition, kept going until the whistle went, gained the extra point and he has increased his lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, deal. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: Well Iím really very pleased to be given deal because that is a pier that I remember particularly well. You went down to Deal, along the promenade, up the esplanade towards the beach. And there was the broadwalk with the pier going some...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two piers.

NP: Yes you see the pier was the subject in the other one, deal is the subject now...

CF: I hardly mentioned it last time!

NP: So Derek you got in with a correct challenge and there are 45 seconds for you to tell us something about deal starting now.

DN: One of the most exciting moments of my life was in Las Vegas when I went into Glittergulch where they have the biggest poker game in the world. And I played within it. A fellow called Pugsy won the game and hundreds of thousands of dollars were stashed up on the table and I dealt my cards in a crafty way. But no I could not beat these chaps. Because they were champions. Now deal is a frightfully good little pinewood that you can use sometimes for doing a bit of cobbling in the kitchen. And I like it actually, itís particularly pretty...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of game earlier on.

NP: Thatís right, you mentioned the game earlier on.

CF: I didnít want to come in too soon!

NP: You were talking in terms of when you went to the casino.

DN: I was in the kitchen!

NP: He was being very sporting in letting you go on, so as to hear you because he enjoyed it. Also it meant he only got in with 11 seconds to talk on the subject. It was also extremely clever! I thought rather clever of me to have been able to listen so intently that I spotted it all. And 11 seconds for you...

DN: I donít believe you did actually!

NP: But actually I thought you were going to have him for deviation because deal couldnít be another form of pine. Ah, 11 seconds for you Clement, deal, starting now.

CF: Dover is a very good coastal town on one side of Deal, and there are all sorts of facilities like cross-channel ferries that...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went got the extra point, heís still in second place behind Derek Nimmo. Barry Cryerís in third place and he begins the next round. Barry the subject is Peter the Great. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

BC: Peter the Great also Eclep the First, married Catherine. He came to Detford once to review our Navy and model the afore dader bleurgh!

BUZZ

NP: Oh it is tough isnít it, ah yes. So Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, will you tell us...

DN: Senile decay!

NP: Well maybe you recognise the symptoms!

DN: Touche!

NP: So Derek you have 49 seconds to tell us something about Peter the Great starting now.

DN: He moved the capital of Russia to St Petersburg, or Petergrad as it was called after that...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It was called Petrograd.

NP: Youíre quite right, it was called Petrograd, yes, St Petersburg.

DN: Oh all right.

NP: Forty-two seconds for you Clement on Peter the Great starting now.

CF: I do not have any son called Peter the Great, who are neither thin, tall or thick. But if I...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Itís totally irrelevant if Clementís got no sons at all called Peter the Great when the subject is Peter the Great. What bearing can this possibly have upon anything?

NP: I thought you were going to say he hesitated, I would have given...

BC: Yes and hesitated! Yes!

NP: But although he has no sons called Peter the Great, heís still talking about the subject of Peter the Great, you see really. But as you havenít played quite as often as Clement Freud Iíll be generous and give you the hesitation which I gave to you in the first place and tell you that there are 35 seconds Barry for you to tell us something about Peter the Great starting now.

BC: Peter the Great was in all senses an impresario, a sort of Michael Grand of his time. He reformed the Navy, organised his Army and as I said in the previous existence came to Detford to view our nautical...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: A self confessed repetition of Detford.

NP: What about Detford?

DN: A self confessed repetition. He said Detford the first time he was on.

NP: No he didnít...

BC: Can you have repetition of what you said before youíre...

NP: Yes yes if youíre interrupted and you did say it before...

BC: Ah I see.

NP: But I would have said it was so mumbled that I wouldnít have accepted it Barry. Iím afraid youíve committed yourself out of your own fair mouth. So...

BC: I only came to read the meter!

NP: Right! Twenty-one seconds for you Derek on Peter the Great starting now.

DN: Well as Barry so rightly said he was a great traveler, an extraordinary man really. Because he went to Holland, to Amsterdam, and he worked in the shipyards there for three months. Itís quite amazing. Then came to England and found this whole collection of artisans, doctors, philosophers, carpenters that he took with him back all the way to Russia to St Petersburg which he...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged with half a second to go.

CF: It was repetition of St Petersburg.

NP: You see you said St Petersburg before. So Clementís got in with half a second to go on Peter the Great starting now.

CF: Detford!

WHISTLE

NP: In spite of the extra point, Derek, to Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo is still in the lead by one and theyíre both leading Barry Cryer and Christopher Timothy. And Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject, Iceland. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

DN: Itís become frightfully popular these days for the salmon fishing, hasnít it really. People are always popping off there because they canít find that particular fish in Scottish waters any more. I think itís a rather boring place. And the only person youíve ever heard coming from it is that chap called Magnus Magnusson, a know-all if you ever saw one, isnít he. But there we are, people. Early explorers found their customs there immensely strange. Do you know what they used to do in banquets? They used to have the ladies standing at the side and after the meal they had to go round with a potty. And she put it on the table and helped the chap. And then they go round serving it up, all...

BUZZ

DN: What?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of round.

NP: Yes you went round and round with the potty too often.


DN: Right. Itís a rather unpleasant idea anyway. Iím rather, Iím rather glad you stopped it.

NP: Absolutely. So Clement Freud you had a correct challenge and there are 28 seconds on Iceland starting now.

CF: In the 1960s Iceland was statistically a very important country because it had exactly 100,000 population. And whenever anyone wanted to know what percentage of people did what, it was extraordinarily easy to work it out. I was in Reykjavik for the Fisher-Spasky chess tournament which was interesting because we all lived in Kecholvik which is some way from the central town, and the two...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud kept going with Iceland till the whistle went, gained another point for that and heís now one ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Christopher Timothy begins the next round. Christopher, the subject impersonation. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CT: I have been told by people who probably do know better that actors who usually do classical roles are much better at that particular task if they have the ability to impersonate. Which might be very significant as I can only do two. One of them is (in John Wayne voice) get off your horse and drink your milk. (normal voice) And the other one is (in Frank Spencer voice) mmmm, nice, Iím a man Betty. (normal voice) Yes, youíve got it, youíve got it, thatís Kirk Douglas and Dolly Parton! Now when I was much younger, the people who impressed me most on the wireless were the people who used to do these wonderful impressions of famous people. And in those days the most famous I think were John Wayne or perhaps Kirk Douglas. Later on we moved through such celebrities as... oh God!

BUZZ

NP: As er! Yes out of his own mouth! So Clement, youíve got in with 15 seconds on impersonations starting now.

CF: Iím not very good at impersonating people. But it is surprising how frequently I come across impersonations of me. Especially by Derek Nimmo who does this, boring his friends to absolute distraction by saying "let me tell you what Clement Freud...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement gained more points in that round and has increased his lead and begins the next round. The subject Clement is sales. Will you tell us something about that subject starting now.

CF: Derek Nimmo is very good at sales.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well he stopped.

NP: Fifty-six seconds for you Derek on sales starting now.

DN: (in very slow and very good Clement Freud mumble) Sales are very much part of our life in this country today...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryerís challenged.

BC: Whoís he doing?

NP: So your challenge for deviation from Derek Nimmo, are you?

BC: Deviation from er, ah...

NP: Yes, whatever!

BC: Clarity!

NP: So 50 seconds for you Barry on sales starting now.

BC: Sales I dote upon. Every January my lady wife and I are in our sleeping bags with the thermos flasks poised upon the pavement in a recumbent posture such you can be waiting for those glass doors to open and let in the throng, the flood. We seize upon bargains. Commodes, trusses, plasticine icebergs. I know a bargain when I see one! And weíd run through the store shouting "mink, are they the foxy substances we want to spend our money in a bargainish... context...

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Well Derek Nimmo pressed his buzzer, I think he saved Barry Cryer because there were 10 seconds to go and I think actually he would have expired if heíd gone for the other 10 seconds. He did, I must explain to our listeners he did actually fall on the floor with the effort of his sales talk just at the end there. But 10 seconds for you now Derek on sales starting now.

DN: I remember on the television there used to be a programme called Sale of the Century. And on it there was a very curious fellow! He used to... I canít remember his name, I have no idea what happened to him actually! Because I think that...

WHISTLE

NP: Why you should clap the idea that nobody knows what happened to me. I must explain to many of our listeners, for we have lots of listeners in many countries throughout the world, that Sale of the Century is a very popular television programme which I used to host. Iím not saying that because I wish to impress this audience, because they probably already know it.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Deviation, it wasnít popular!

NP: Well er for er for an unpopular programme it ran for 14 years which must be a record for an unpopular programme so er...

BUZZ

NP: Barry...

BC: Most programmes run for half an hour!

NP: You mean youíre going to come out with that old joke it ran for half an hour but felt like 14 years, yes! Um Barry Cryer itís your turn to begin. The subject for you that Ian Messiterís got is Capability Brown. And I think he wishes to help you a bit because he says Capability Brown or you can talk on his cousin Incapability Smith. And...

BC: Iíll have a discourse on the cousin.

NP: Well you can take it which way you like because that is the subject on the card in front of me and you have 60 seconds as always starting now.

BC: Incapability Smith, a sad fellow. Born in 1832 which as we know is just after half past six, was a man who could not handle anything remotely to do with gardening which his cousin par excellence was a master, a masetro, a non-paralleil...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He couldnít have been his cousin.

NP: Why not?

DN: Because he was born in 1860, heís just said. Capability Brown the cousin that weíre talking about actually died in 1740.

NP: I know but you see, this cousin Smith, there was a late marriage, there was a late....

BC: Thank you Nicholas, thank you!

NP: ...and er and they had, they conceived very late in life and so um...

BC: They were late bloomers!

NP: They were late bloomers! Didnít get the bloomers off till quite late! So that was an incorrect challenge, another point to Barry Cryer and 44 seconds on whichever you like, Capability Brown or his cousin Incapability Smith starting now.

BC: Incapability would make his way down to the lawn and watch the young couples on the verge and this gave him ideas for future activities. He bred Virginia creepers that crept away, runner beans that fled at the very sight of him. The man was the antithesis of green fingers. He was blue digits! Plants, flowers, weeds, moss would shriek at the very sight of this manís approach! He would only enter the garden and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Iím sorry, he repeated he would only, the phtrase he would only several times.

BC: Correct.

NP: I know, correct yes. But we would have loved him to have gone on and seen if heíd fallen off his chair again!

DN: I know! Very nice! Heís got an unusual style!

NP: He has!

BC: Itís called failure!

NP: Yes of all the guests on Just A Minute I must say I think Barry Cryer has the most unusual approach to the game. Iíve never seen a man put so much effort into his speech! But Derek got in with a correct challenge, 14 seconds um Derek on Capability Brown or his cousin Incapability Smith starting now.

DN: I once owned a restaurant or partly owned one in South Kensington which was called...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I challenged about he owned one because he only partly owned one, I owned a bit of it. It was a disaster!

DN: I know! We both got swizzed, didnít we!

NP: I think you should both keep your private life to yourselves, I mean this is not a place to air it! But actually as you got out with a sentence about partly owned one, corrected yourself, I have to be fair and say you keep the subject with 11 seconds starting now.

DN: Lancelot Brown commonly known as Capability was without doubt the greatest landscape gardener this countryís ever known. If you look around the great estates like Blenheim, Castle Gardens and so on where he...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo took the subject, kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point with that and others and he has overtaken Clement Freud. Heís in the lead now and begins the next round. Derek the subject is jeans. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Yes well Calvin Klein is a kind of jean manufacturer. And all over the Far East from Bangkok to Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Hong Kong, Taipei, So...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Am I allowed a point of information?

NP: Yes.

BC: Could I ask Derek not in any sense of interruption...

DN: No, no...

NP: No, no...

BC: The name you referred to as the brand...

DN: Calvin Klein.

BC: Calvin Klein.

NP: Yes, yes.

BC: Is that the name of a jeans manufacturer or an actor?

NP: Well itís probably a name of both actually...

BC: Ah I do apologise, do continue Derek.

NP: Well I think that has really lifted the show! One of the most exciting moments in Just A Minute!

BC: It was quite torrid, wasnít it!

NP: Yes! So um we wonít count any points for that and Derek continues with 46 seconds on jeans starting now.

DN: Out in the outback of Australia where my man from Snowy River had on my jeans, encasing my bristling thighs. I mean on the most enormous sand and ride over to Ayers Rock and they said "whatho Nimmo, youíve come back here again sport, have yer?" And I say "and very nice to be here too!" And they look at my jeans and say "gosh, youíve got a natty pair of jeans on". And I say "yes but you should see Rosieís". And theyíve no idea what Iím talking about, nor of course have I! Thatís why I like talking about jeans so much. Now the other day I was in Madrid and what did you think I saw? I saw an Eskimo...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

DN: Oh!

NP: Because? You like me, you like to tell me your challenge donít you Clement.

CF: Two saws.

NP: There were two saws yes.

CF: It was distinctly...

NP: And not those sort of saws. I saw, s-a-ws. Four seconds Clement got in one the subject of jeans. And the last round and what is the score? Yes, oh, thereís a two point difference and itís the last round and four seconds are left, jeans, starting now.

CF: If there are four seconds left for jeans and only two points in it...

WHISTLE

NP: The only hope was Clement that you might have been terribly clever and able to get an incorrect challenge and then of course you could have finished up alongside Derek Nimmo. But it wasnít to be, and Iím afraid what has to be is that thereís no more time this week to play Just A Minute. Let me tell you that Christopher Timothy whoís not played as frequently as Derek and Clement did very well, didnít get many points, but he did very well. Barry Cryer fell off his chair a couple of times and er gave tremendous energy in the show and tremendous wit and vibrant repartee and he was in third place. Um Clement Freud erm came just one point behind the man who got most points this week so we call him the winner Derek Nimmo! We do hope youíve enjoyed listening to this edition of Just A Minute, weíve enjoyed playing the game. And it only remains for me to say on behalf of our four delightful panelists, Christopher Timothy, Clement Freud, Barry Cryer and Derek Nimmo. And of course the creator of the game Ian Messiter and our producer Edward Taylor, and myself Nicholas Parsons, thank you very much for tuning in and staying with us until the end. And we hope that you will want to tune in again when we take to the air once more and play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC