JAM:PMerton,CFreud,WRichard,TSlattery
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, WENDY RICHARD and TONY SLATTERY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 February 1993)

NOTE: Anne Ling's last appaearnce blowing the whistle.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to introduce the four delightful and talented performers who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back Wendy Richard, Clement Freud, Paul Merton and playing the game only for the second time, Tony Slattery. Will you please welcome all four of them! For this edition of Just A Minute once again we have returned to the ancient city of Bury St Edmonds and itís a great pleasure to be here doing this recording. And I ask our four players of the game to speak if they can on the subject I will give them and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Anne Ling sits beside me to keep the score, she blows her whistle when 60 seconds are up. And Wendy Richard weíd like you to take the fisrt subject which is anyone in this show. Take it any way you wish and talk on it for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

WENDY RICHARD: Out of anyone in this show, I think I like Anne Ling best! Sheís so nice and helpful, good at her job, charming, kind and understanding. Iím also quite fond of Clement Freud. Before when I first started in this programme I used to have to sit next to Derek Nimmo, but now I sit next to himself.

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery challenged.

TONY SLATTERY: Repetition of sit next?

NP: Yes.

WR: Youíre quite right.

NP: She sat next to too many people Iím afraid. So Tony you have a correct challenge, there are 38 seconds left and the subject is anyone in this show and you begin now.

TS: One of the weirdest things about all the other contestants in this show is that they all have pseudonyms. Wendy is in fact Maria von Stitburger who is an exotic dancer. And the things she does with ping-pong balls are quite extraordinary. She can balance them on the end of her nose, blow them up in the air and then fire such a look of venom and poison at them that they will explode. This is a very popular act in several Berlin nightclubs! Clement Freud likes to be known as Mr Windypops!

BUZZ

NP: Wendy has challenged you and not before time I think there! Wendy what is your challenge?

WR: Hesitation.

TS: I was surfing the laugh! If someone can ride a laugh I think I can surf it.

WR: All right then, you can go on. Letís hear what youíre going to say about Clement. But donít upset him coz he can get very nasty!

NP: Heís only got three seconds to do all the rest of the team. I donít know how heís going to achieve that. Three seconds left starting now.

TS: An MP, Clement Freud is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of Clement Freud.

NP: Yes you did say Clement last time, yes.

TS: Thatís right, yes.

NP: Clement you have half a second to tell us something about anyone in the show starting now.

CF: Yes!

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. And of course it was Clement Freud who is in the lead...

PAUL MERTON: Could I just ask Nicholas, what my pseudonym is?


NP: Well I want to know what mine is as well, Iím rather keen.

TS: Yours has too many syllables Nicholas!

NP: Maybe the next subject will give him a chance to tell us what it is, knowing how his mind goes and...

PM: I think your mind went years ago!

NP: Tony weíd like you to take the second round, the subject is doggerel with 60 seconds as usual starting now.

TS: Time...

BUZZ

WR: Hesitation.

NP: Yes absolutely.

TS: Sorry itís not really hesitation. Itís just that I looked at you Nicholas and I temporarily lost the will to live! So Iím sorry.

NP: Thatís all right.

PM: Does he affect you like that as well? I thought it was just me, I did! Thereís three people in the front row putting nooses around their necks!

NP: Wendy you have a correct challenge of hesitation, 59 seconds on doggerel starting now.

WR: Iíve got a lovely little doggerel. Sheís a Kent Terrier and sheís called Shirley Brahms. Just last week she was photographed for a magazine. Hopefully theyíre going to ask her back to be on the front cover. Iím very proud of her. Sheís also very fond of little Henry, my pet cockateel that I often talk about on this programme. Iím hoping that Shirley will soon have a film career. Nobodyís challenged me...

BUZZ

WR: You were going to let me go on, werenít you, you rotten lot!

NP: Paul Merton has helped you out. Paul, yes?

PM: Repetition of Shirley.

NP: Yes, of Shirley, 35 seconds are left for doggerel with you Paul starting now.

PM: Well I donít really know what doggerel is.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you were the first to challenge.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, right, 32 seconds for you to tell us about doggerel starting now.

CF: Doggerel is loosely styled verse. Like...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery has...

TS: There was a bit of hesitancy. Lossely styled verse er.

CF: No.

NP: I donít think so.

TS: Oh theyíre all ganging up on me now! Honestly I have half a second at the beginning of the show and everyoneís down on me like a ton of bricks.

NP: Twenty-eight seconds...

PM: Mr Windypops never hesitates! Never!

NP: He sometimes has to say pardon but er..

PM: Sometimes clears the top deck of a bus fairly quickly!

TS: Give him a box of matches and itís party time!

NP: You have a point of course for an incorrect challenge and thereís 28 seconds on doggerel starting now.

CF: There was a young man from Japan, whose poetry never would scan, when asked reasons why, he replied with a sigh, well you see itís like this, I always try to get as many words in to the last line as I possibly can. That is an example of doggerel because it is totally unstructured. Unlike if you want any flotsam, Iíve got some, if you want any jetsam, I can get some...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged. Why?

PM: Repetition of want, Iím afraid.

NP: Paul youíve got a point and the subject and six seconds on doggerel starting now.

PM: Since I last spoke on the subject of doggerel, I have been immensely educated as to what it actually is...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle point, gained an extra point. Heís in the second place behind Clement Freud and then Wendy and then Tony. And Paul Merton itís your turn to begin, the subject, black holes. Will you tell us something about those starting now... Sorry that wasnít quite right, was it? I hesitated myself. Nobody can get any points for that.

PM: You can get treatment for it!

NP: Um thank you! Paul the subject is black holes, you have 60 seconds starting now.

PM: I remember as a child wandering around Bognor Regis. When suddenly my attention was drawn by a black hole there in the ground. I stared into this black hole and I could see nothing because of course it was black. Then suddenly I heard the sound of a cockateel. "Woo woo" it went and I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery challenged.

TS: Repetition of woo.

NP: Yes! Black holes, 42 seconds, starting now.

TS: The brilliant astrophysicist Stephen Hawking postulates the possibility of a black hole in whch time cannot only run backwards, but can stand still, rather like it does during the recording of this programme! Black holes are an immensely complex astrophysical phenomenon. Inside of them, time can not only...

BUZZ

TS: Oh time was...

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of time.

NP: Yes, yes, you were gone on your intellectual bent and...

TS: Yes I must get that seen to!

NP: Twenty-one seconds for you Clement on black holes starting now.

CF: I spent some weeks in Calcutta looking for the original black hole. It is extraordinarily difficult. I bought a taxi and said "kindly take me to the black hole" and the driver had an idea of where to go. So we went to Bombay and tried another time. New Delhi was a certain...

BUZZ

TS: Was that hesitancy? New Delhi was?

NP: I think there was a hesitation Tony. You cleverly got in with half a second to go, black holes, starting now.

TS: Black...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Slattery was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and Clement Freudís still in the lead. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is roads. Take it any way you like and talk on the subject if you can starting now.

CF: Iíd like to take it any way like, um, Cecil. It is extraordinary...

BUZZ

NP: Oh!

PM: Not so much a hesitation, more a black hole!

NP: I was trying to wonder who Cecil is, I mean...

TS: And why on earth he wants to take it any way!

NP: I know! Right, the subject is roads and you have 55 seconds Paul starting now.

PM: Where I used to live, when I was a small boy, as well as there being lots of black holes in the area, there were plenty of roads. My favourite road was the road that led all the way to the sweet shop, where Mr Grinnywinny would serve me half a pound of sherbet lemons. A close relation of Mr Windypops would give me blackjacks...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Mister.

NP: Yes, 36 seconds with you Clement, youíve got the subject back, you got another point and you have roads starting now.

CF: There is quite an endearing Victorian Music Hall song about the coachman taking the Lord Mayor from Paddington to Piccadilly without encountering a single road. He did this by going down Pall Mall streets, muses, gutters and other thoroughfares which rhymed and therefore gave a certain rhythm to the champdeurs who performed these. Iíve lost the...

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Iím sorry, as Iíve said on previous programmes I did metalwork!

NP: I know!

PM: Now we are deviating from the English language here! What is this choooooooomp, what is this?

CF: Well I said a song, didnít I.

NP: Well the champdeurs is a singer but itís got absolutely nothing to do...

PM: Nothing to do with roads! Severe deviation!

NP: Nothing to do with this chap. Paul I agree with you, your challenge is correct, you have a point, 10 seconds, roads starting now.

PM: There were five roads where I was a young boy...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Heís already been a young boy.

NP: A young boy, yes. Went down those roads too often. Clement you have the subject back, another point, six seconds, roads starting now.

CF: When I was a young boy there was only one Rhodes. And he discovered Rhodesia which later became Zimbabwe...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went and gained the extra point and he has increased his lead at the end of the round. Wendy Richard will you take the next round, the subject is forgeries. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

WR: One has to be very careful of forgeries, especially when it comes to banknotes. Have you seen the one of the value of 10 pounds, the latest piece... of... monetary...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

WR: I knew it would be you!

PM: Iím sorry, it was severe hesitation unfortunately.

NP: Whatís a severe hesitation?

PM: Well that was quite nasty, wasnít it! There was an element of violence in it.

NP: Oh I see! Forty-nine seconds for forgeries with you Paul starting now.

PM: Tom Keating made a name for himself in the late 70s for being a master forger. Apparently he painted several pictures, ah, that were attributed to, I believe, Samuel Butler. And later it was the man I mentioned earlier who said "well in fact it was me that painted them". These forgeries were on sale in various art gallery shops and were in fact on display in various museums...

BUZZ

NP: And Tony Slattery challenged.

TS: Various, there was repetition of various.

PM: Yes.

NP: Yes repetition of various, Iím afraid.

PM: Yes.

NP: Tony you got in, a point for a correct challenge, 26 seconds left forgeries starting now.

TS: Forgeries, the whole idea of authenticity is one that dogged for the whole of his life the brilliant French existentialist, Andre Dreed. He obviously didnít like to pronounce his name like that but he had a speech impediment and thatís why he could never pronounce... the...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of pronounce.

NP: I think he said only one pronounce...

WR: I think he was just dying a death! Get on with it!

NP: He certainly hesitated but no I donít think he repeated it...

PM: No? Oh, okay.

NP: Yes you could have had him for deviation because I mean that man didnít actually exist.

TS: Andrť Dedidit.

NP: Oh that one? I didnít realise you meant...

TS: No! Not the person who makes your ties!

NP: No, no, no, anyway seven seconds are left with you Paul on forgeries starting now.

PM: Oh wait a minute, I thought you said, um...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, itís Tony!

NP: Paul you, put me right, you challenged Tony didnít you?

PM: I did but you said it was an incorrect challenge.

NP: Absolutely right, Iím glad you were listening! Iím glad you were listening! I thought...

PM: From that I kind of rationally assumed I hadnít got the subject!

NP: Yes! Yes well you did metalwork but I did carpentry. The...

PM: Is English your first langauge?

NP: Tony Slattery, yes, it was an incorrect challenge from Paul Merton, so you keep the subject and you have 14 seconds on forgeries starting now.

TS: One can always tell an inauthentic Rolex watch by the way the edges of the so-called wrist implement are roughened and have nowhere near...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy...

WR: Thatís not how you tell a fake Rolex watch. The minute hand doesnít move smoothly, it ticks.

TS: Thatís one of the other ways I was going to go on to. If youíd just had let me expand on my subject.

NP: Well I donít know how you tell a fake Rolex watch. Does the audience know about fake Rolex watches?

WR: Well they do now, Iíve just told them!

NP: If you believe with Tony Slattery that thatís the way you tell a fake Rolex watch then you boo for him. And if you agree with Wendyís description you cheer for her and if you know, Iím very grateful. So will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Tony you have the benefit of the doubt, you have seven seconds starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And Paul Merton challenged. Paul Merton yes?

PM: That, that was hesitation.

NP: That was definitely hesitation.

TS: Yes youíre absolutely right.

NP: And you have forgeries and there are six seconds starting now.

PM: I used to make a living when I was about 16 years old by selling fishcakes to people that were not genuine...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, got that extra point. Heís now equal in the lead with Clement Freud, then comes Tony Slattery and then Wendy Richard. And Tony your turn to begin. Will you tell us something about William Bligh of the Bounty and try and do it in 60 seconds starting now.

TS: The Bounty is a long and frankly awful chocolate bar with lots of sugar in it. Itís owned, and thereís only one of them, by a man called William Bligh. Heís a greengrocer from Stepford. A lot of people mistake him for the famous and some would say rather aggressive sea captain who came to fame by whipping lots of other sailors. But thatís obviously another story. Bounties come in all shapes and sizes. Iím talking about the confectionery now. Some...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: The second confectionery.

NP: You had a bit of confectionery before, yes.

TS: Oh sorry!

NP: Yes, 32 seconds for you to tell us something about William Bligh of the Bounty Clement starting now.

CF: I think like Prince Edward, William Bligh of the Bounty was a deeply misunderstood serviceman. He was captain of a ship that went to the West Indies in order to introduce breadfruit as a simple means of...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery challenged.

TS: Iím sorry! I buzzed but I want to find out what it was a simple means of!

NP: Yes!

PM: It was a simple means of contraception!

NP: Tony you have a correct challenge for hesitation, 14 seconds, William Bligh of the Bounty starting now.

TS: When you think about it breadfruit was a rather dull thing to introduce to these natives. They could have had the internal combustion engine. They could have had...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of the phrase they could have had.

TS: Oh absolutely right.

NP: I would have given him for deviation too because they couldnít have had the internal combustion engine when William Bligh of the Bounty was around.

TS: Youíre absolutely right!

NP: Right, five seconds for you Paul, William Bligh of the Mounty... oh! William Bligh of the Bounty...

TS: William Bligh of the Mounty?

NP: Yes! Heís the Canadian one, Iím sorry!

TS: What a perverse universe you inhabit!

NP: I know, I know...

PM: Heís on tablets, you know!

NP: William Bligh of the Bounty, five seconds, Paul, starting now.

PM: William Bligh of the Bounty was a man who of course has been misjudged by history...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point and others in the round and he has increased his lead at the end of the round. And Paul your turn to begin, the subject Calais. Will you tell us something about Calais in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: I donít really know a great deal about Calais. I did once spend a week there, having travelled from this great wonderful country of ours, across the Channel, and found myself in this French port. I wandered around for a while. And the people there seemed to be speaking in a language I didnít really understand because at school I did metalwork. So I looked into the shops and the passers-by with their curious Gallic charm. And after a while I began to fall into the atmosphere of the place. This is all a complete load of codswallop because Iíve never been to Calais in my life! But nevertheless that doesnít stop me dreaming of those faraway lands that I have never visited and maybe now and (starts to giggle)...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery, your challenge?

TS: I think there was a bit of a stammer and a hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so.

TS: Slight.

PM: Yes.

NP: Tony Slattery will you tell us something about Calais and you have 23 seconds starting now.

TS: Very few people know that Calais is the world centre for organisation of Nicholas Parsons look-alike competitions. In and around the port area lots of people will run around the base dressed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: Repetition of people. Very few people know and...

TS: Oh yes. Thatís right.

CF: Right, yes. Youíre right Clement and 10 seconds... I wanted to hear more about the Nicholas Parsons look-alike competition. I thought I might enter it! The... Clement you have 10 seconds to tell us something about Calais starting now.

CF: Not to go to Calais which Paul Merton has done is what the French call Padeux Calais which is their version of the straits of Dover. And I have been there...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony it is your turn to begin, the subject is guilt starting now.

TS: All the great moralists of history as Aldoux Huxley says in the preface to Brave New World are convinced of one thing, that guilt is a bad element in personalities generally. A lot is spoken about Catholic guilt and the way people are brought up in Catholic convents...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two Catholics.

NP: There were two Catholics.

TS: Were there?

NP: Yes.

TS: What were they doing here?

PM: Sounds like the beginning of a joke. These two Catholics walk into a pub...

NP: Thatís right.

TS: Absolutely.

NP: Catholic guilt. Clement you have 41 seconds to tell us something about guilt starting now.

CF: If I had a gilt I could think of nothing more delicious to make with it than sausages. I think I would take...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Have we got two thoughts there?

NP: If I had a thought and then he was thinking.

WR: Beg your pardon.

NP: Thatís all right.

WR: You get on with your sausages!

NP: Thirty-three seconds starting now.

CF: The best thing to do with this young female pig is to detach a leg, skin it, and...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton...

PM: Deviation, that surely canít be the best thing you can do with it! I mean perhaps you could feed it and let it run out in the garden! Start whipping its leg off!

NP: Right Paul a good challenge, yes, one thing you can do, but not the best thing you can do. Twenty-six seconds for you on guilt Paul starting now.

PM: I was brought up as a Catholic and I well remember going in to see the parish priest during confessionals and you would have to confess your sins...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: I donít think you see a parish priest during confessionals, itís deviation.

NP: Oh you thought terribly quickly about that.

PM: No, sometimes they pull the curtain back and give you a little wink!

CF: Oh no! Nonsense!

NP: And Iím sure at the age he was talking about he said to his mother "Iím going to go along to them confessionals". I accept that that was the way he was speaking at the time...

TS: Thatís a bit patronising isnít it Nicholas?

NP: No, well, you confess to the parish priest! So 18 seconds Paul on guilt starting now.

PM: I remember once saying to him we got this young female pig and instead of letting her run in the garden, I pulled her leg off and I said "now run round the garden!"

BUZZ

PM: And I said it twice but never mind!

NP: Wendy...

WR: We had two runs round the garden there!

NP: Yes we were in the garden too much, yes.

PM: Well it was a limp round the second time!

NP: Eight seconds for you Wendy on guilt starting now.

WR: Iíve got some lovely gilt picture frames at home. And in them I have likenesses of Shirley Brahms, and little Henry my pet cockateel...

WHISTLE

NP: So Wendy Richard was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Paul itís your turn to begin... who am I patronising now?

TS: No honestly! Youíre doing really well!

PM: Iím still worried about being called an alternative chap!

NP: The audience...

PM: Can we sue? I think we can sue, canít we?

NP: Paul itís your turn to begin, the subject is flannel and there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PM: When I have a bath one of the things I always reach for is the face flannel. I love to have a good old rub around with this particular thing. I get underneath the sink and I scrape all round there and then I sort of... oh I donít know! Oh nobodyís buzzed, Iíll carry on talking!

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes definitely.

PM: Yes.

NP: The image you give us of you in the bathroom I must say...

PM: I suddenly had a very image in my mind which I couldnít say!

NP: I know!

PM: So thatís what confused me!

NP: Clement you have 44 seconds on flannel starting now.

BUZZ

PM: Oh! There was a pause there you could have built a car park in!

NP: Tony you challenged first.


TS: I did. I think there was the merest hint of a soup sob! A hesitation.

NP: Tony you have 43 seconds to tell us something about flannel starting now.

TS: This story isnít going to be dirty, so donít turn the radio off...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Deviation. Tony when did you ever not tell a story that wasnít dirty?

TS: Well I was just about to!

NP: He was flannelling, heís right!

PM: Did a momentary spasm of pleasure cross your face then? I donít know what youíre doing out there, but youíre on your own!

NP: Excuse me, itís the one paid member of the audience that I got in for my jokes! Tony you have 40 seconds to continue on flannel starting now.

TS: One of my strongest erotic boyhood memories was of a pair of short flannel trousers with which Sister Euthanasia at my convent used to whip me. It was a progressive convent... aaaah!

BUZZ

NP: Wendy challenged.

WR: I donít think this is the sort of thing we want to hear on this programme!

TS: But itís all...

NP: He was deviating!

WR: But apart from that I think he said convenmt more than once anyway!

NP: Wendy you have 25 seconds to tell us something about flannel starting now.

WR: When I was little we were sometimes given a flannel to grow mustard and cress on. This experiment that I never succeeded in at all. So I kept my flannel for washing myself. I sometimes use a flannel for little Shirleyís face when she gets gravy round there. Thereís a very useful piece of equipment to have in the bathroom. Flannels come in various colours, in red, in blue, in...

WHISTLE

NP: So Wendy Richard got an extra point for speaking when the whistle went and she has moved forward, only one point behind Tony Slattery. Then Paul Merton is two ahead and then it is Clement Freud just a little way in the lead. And weíre in to the last round. The subject is Francis Bacon, Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, will you tell us something about that gentleman starting now.

CF: France is bacon is the sort of generalisation that I deplore. Like Germany is sausage or Sweden is heron. There was a man of that name who was a friend of my brothers and many years ago Francis Bacon came to my house for Sunday lunch. I think it was Christmas and he spilt whiskey which remained on the carpet for many years. There is a painter of that name who recently died, and if this is going out on repeat, he died quite a long time ago! Um...who...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of died.

NP: Yes he died and he died quite a long time ago. So Paul you got in there with a good challenge, 24 seconds for Francis Bacon starting now.

PM: Francis Bacon came round my house once and I took his leg off and I said "run around the garden". And he hopped about and he was in desperate pain. He said "this is no good at all". So we took him back to a surgeon and we said "can we sew this appendage back on to Mister Bacon?" And so they did, they sewed throughout...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Sewed.

NP: Two seweds.

PM: Yes.

NP: Wendy youíve got in with seven seconds to go, the subject is still Francis Bacon starting now.

WR: I met Francis Bacon the painter a few times. I found him most charming and pleasant and good company. He had paintings hanging in...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Wendy Richard was speaking as the whistle went and gained an extra point and she has leapt forward but not very far Iím afraid. Tony Slattery who did so well on his first visit didnít do quite so well on his second one because he finished in fourth place, just behind Wendy Richard. Then came Paul Merton but only one point ahead, we judge to be the winner Clement Freud!We do hope youíve enjoyed listening to this edition of Just A Minute which as I said at the beginning of the show comes from the Theatre Royal in Bury St Edmonds. And it only remains for me now to thank our four talented and entertaining panelists who have done so well, both in speaking on the subject and off the subject. And also to thank Anne Ling for keeping the score and blowing her whistle so beautifully. And also Ian Messiter for thinking of the game and keeping us in work. And also for Sarah Smith who tries to control us, she is of course our producer. From her, from them and from me Nicholas Parsons thank you for listening, hope you enjoyed it.

THEME MUSIC