JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 January 1980)


NOTE: Thanks to Vicki Walker for her work on this transcript. :-)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Theyíre going to try and speak as usual if they can on a subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And Clement Freud, weíd like you to begin the first round and the subject on the card is Aimi Macdonald. A nice subject to have anywhere. But will you talk about Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: If you were to look for someone who could play with three regular men, I cannot think of more suitable applicants than Aimi Macdonald. The...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation. He said more suitable applicants...

NP: Yes.

KW: ...than Aimi Macdonald, so you canít be singular and a plural, can you?

NP: No, no. Aimi, I mean she could pass for three people, but to me...

KW: You donít need to embroider, just give me this subject. Hurry up, come on, itís my subject, come on, give it to me!

NP: All right! Kenneth, let me explain for those who havenít heard the game before, and there are some...

CF: I hadn't finished!

NP: You have a correct challenge...

KW: Thank you.

NP: ...I agree with that...

KW: Thank you.

NP: ...So you get a point for a correct challenge...

KW: Thank you.

NP: And you take over the subject and there are 49 seconds left and the subject is Aimi Macdonald, starting now.

KW: Aimi MacDonald descends from a long and very distinguished line of the family of that ilk. Indeed one of them, Flora Macdonald, as you will know historically, sheltered that...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Aimi MacDonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Well, I donít think Iíve anything to do with Flora. No, I donít think Iím descended from her. I mean...

NP: Well, you probably are descended from her.

AM: Darling, you might be absolutely right. I donít know.

NP: No, no, you're not descended but probably. Youíve got the same family name, so you might be related somewhere.

AM: Oh, I see. Yes, all right. Itís okay.

NP: Youíre quite happy about that?

AM: Yes.

NP: All right. So Kenneth, you keep the subject.

AM: I really didnít want to interrupt. it sounded quite good.

KW: Well, pity you did, then, you stupid great nit.

PETER JONES: I thought Flora Macdonald died unmarried.

AM: No, darling, she married Prince Charlie, didnít she?

NP: No, no. She, she...

KW: Far from marrying him, she chased him up a tree. He was in a skirt, but they knew it was a woman because they could see up the tartan. But they knew...

PJ: Well, I don't think...

KW: ...it was an entirely different tartan because the Macdonald isnít the same as the Stuart.

PJ: Youíre not doing Aimiís image any good by going on.

KW: Why donít you shut your row? Youíre not even on this subject.

NP: I think we should go back to playing Just a Minute.

PJ: Heís been on the pill again.

KW: It makes me sick and tired. No courtesy, no courtesy on this show at all.

NP: No, no, no

KW: Iím treated like a load of rubbish!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street.

NP: There are um 38 seconds left. The subject is still with you, Aimi Macdonald, starting now.

KW: She has pursued a long and varied career in the theatre and achieved quite a lot as a sort of danseur, as the French always put it, and since weíre in the Common Market, it seemed appropriate to bring that in, too, because she has been to Paris. She went there once and got it all wrong. She canít handle the language at all.

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, I donít think he hesitated. He never stopped. So you could have had him for deviation but not hesitation. Twenty seconds are left and youíve still got the subject, Kenneth, and another point for an incorrect challenge. Aimi Macdonald is the subject and you start now.

KW: Yes, she says it like "Oo ae, la toilette" or "Avez-vous"...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Thatís on the grounds that itís just not true.

NP: Absolutely untrue.

AM: I know how to say "ou-est la toilette."

KW: Yes, very good!

NP: So Aimi, you have a correct challenge, you have a point, you take over the subject. There are 17 seconds left, and the subject, Aimi Macdonald, is Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Oh dear, I forgot Iíd have to do that.

NP: Yes. Well, youíve got to talk about Aimi Macdonald starting now.

AM: Oh, well, itís actually terribly difficult for someone to talk about themselves, if you know what I mean. In this instance, I happen to be lumbered with Aimi Macdonald. When I say that she is an amazing lady, Iím sure you will all agree. Kenneth Williams has...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, Aimi Macdonald, decidedly overcome by the fact she had to talk about herself, did manage it for 15 seconds and when the whistle went, she was still speaking so she gained an extra point for that and sheís in second place at the end of the first round and Kenneth Williams, of course, is in the lead. And Peter Jones begins the next round and Peter, weíd like you to talk on the subject of Kenneth Williams. Can you tell us something about your big rival in Just a Minute, er, in Just A Minute, starting now?

PJ: Itís not long enough. I could talk about Kenneth Williams for days on end, and I know at least one person who would be prepared to listen to me! Now Kenneth, underneath that saintly exterior, he does, he does a tremendous amount of good by stealth. And itís certainly true that no one has heard about him doing much good. But occasionally, I think when he gets off on Cloud Nine, like he did recently, I think itís because heís eating too much protein. He is one of the people described by that sandwich board carrier in Oxford Street who should cut down on meat because it obviously overexcites him and he gets, uh, carried away as he is now...

BUZZ

NP: And Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: He, uh, gets did you say we could? Weíre allowed to do ers.

NP: I havenít said anything.

AM: Yes, but I mean...

PJ: Ers or ou-est la toilette, itís actually either one.

CF: Toilette.

AM: No, you did a little er in there.

NP: You did quite a big er, and that is a hesitation. So Aimi, you have a correct challenge, you have 10 seconds and the subject is Kenneth Williams and you start now.

AM: Well, Kenneth Williams I first knew about when I started to do a programme called Just A Minute. This man has aw...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Clement Freud.

CF: I just donít believe it.

KW: Hear hear, hear hear, hear hear, quite right.

AM: But I was going on to explain what I meant, darling. You didnít give me time.

CF: Well, I havenít believed it so far!

NP: I, I think thatís a good challenge.

AM: Yes, but it came out the wrong way.

NP: And it often does on Just A Minute. You have to be very careful.

KW: I myself came out the wrong way.

NP: As long as you pop it back in again, Aimi, no oneís going to worry.

AM: Yes.

NP: The, ah, two seconds for you, Clement Freud, a correct challenge and the subject is Kenneth Williams, starting now.

CF: I heard of Kenneth Williams at the very beginning of this century.

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Kenneth Williams and Aimi Macdonald are equal in the lead and ah, Kenneth Williams, itís your turn to begin and the subject, very confusing, isnít it, is Clement Freud. So will you please tell us something about Clement Freud in Just A Minute starting now?

KW: What a formidable task to describe a man, a raconteur, orator, wit, a great charmer and handsome to boot! This is a difficult, onerous, indeed, position, but I will endeavor to meet it. For not only in public life is this man enlightening as well as fun, but as a host immeasurable. We canít say in words that would really do justice to this manís culinary brilliance...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Eh, repetition of this man.

NP: Yes, that is perfectly, that is correct.

KW: What a petty, mean, oh isn't it disgraceful! Oh, I think itís very petty. Man! One little word. M-A-N. I mean...

PJ: This man.

KW: One can be challenged for that! Ridiculous.

PJ: This man.

KW: I was only just starting! I was just feeling the impetus, you know?

CF: I was enjoying it.

KW: Yes!

NP: The only time Clement Freud has never challenged you. There are 22 seconds left for you, Peter Jones, to take the subject of Clement Freud starting now.

PJ: Kenneth needs a game called Just an Hour and a Half.

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: He said Kenneth needs a game called Just an Hour and a Half and then he waited like an hour and a half.

NP: Yes, otherwise he hesitated.

AM: Yes.

PJ: Yes, I hesitated.

NP: Aimi, you have the subject. You have 17 seconds and the subject is Clement Freud and you begin now.

AM: I think itís marvelous, anyway, that someone can be an actor, have the time to be a personality, work on radio shows etcetera. But I think itís doubly fascinating that someone can do all...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of fascinating.

NP: Youíre right, Peter. Four seconds are left...

AM: No! One was fascinating and one was doubly fascinating.

PJ: Well, then it was a double repetition.

AM: I always thought that was hyphenated.

CF: Yes! Arenít we all.

NP: It is when you speak it, Aimi, because you do run your words together.

AM: OK, Iím going too far. Right.

NP: No, itís all right. Four seconds and Clement Freud is the subject with you, Peter Jones, starting now.

PJ: I worshipped at the shrine of Clement Freud this side...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round itís a very even contest. Peter Jones has now taken the lead alongside Aimi Macdonald, Kenneth Williams one point behind and you might be surprised to hear that in fourth place itís Clement Freud. Aimi, weíre back with you to begin and the subject, thereís only one person left it could be, Peter Jones. So will you please talk on Peter Jones in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Aw, I think Peter Jones is so divine. When I first started doing a show called Just a Minute, I to be very honest was petrified. I didnít know what would be expected of me. I was scared stiff...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Kenneth Williams.

KW: She still doesnít!

AM: Thatís cheating. He only said that to get a laugh.

KW: Yes! Youíre quite right! Sheís right!

NP: That was very observant of you, Aimi.

AM: So I get a point for observancy?

NP: Yes, of course you get a point, you see? So he gave you a point there because itís a wrong challenge. And there are 47 seconds left and the subject is Peter Jones...

AM: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get back on my train of thought.

NP: Your train of thought.

AM: Yes.

NP: Have you taken off yet.

AM: I had a super train of thought.

NP: Are you diesel or...

AM: Yes, Iíve got it, yes.

NP: Eh, Peter Jones is the subject starting now.

AM: What rescued me, of course, was the fact that Peter Jones was ever present. Because, you...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Clement Freud has challenged again.

CF: Deviation. Heís not.

KW: No, no, no. She prefaced it with when she was on the show.

AM: He has always been present when Iíve been on the show.

NP: I quite believe you, Aimi. I wouldnít doubt you for a moment. And there are...

PJ: I think itís a contractual condition, isnít it?

NP: Is that why you work cheap? Thirty-three seconds are left for the subject of Peter Jones with you, Aimi Macdonald, starting now.

AM: See, the others donít know that I have it in my contract that Peter does the show with me. So that when Kenneth Williams turns up and says "Why do we have these dumb blondes on the show?" Peter comes to my rescue.

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Kenneth Williams.

PJ: Rather typical, that, isnít it? I mean, uh if uh if she had repeated Clement Freud, I suppose Kenneth would have challenged. People like to hear their own name but they canít bear to hear the other personís name.

NP: So, Clement Freud, you have a correct challenge and 19 seconds on the subject of Peter Jones, starting now.

CF: Peter Jones is really one of the very best chaps I have ever met. I worship at the shrine of Mr Jones regardless of whether this be in Brighton or St. Johnís Wood, where he has his town residence. Peter Jones, five-foot-11...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, and you got in with only three seconds to go on the subject of Peter Jones starting now.

AM: Tall, handsome...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Clement Freud.

AM: ...charming...

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No. You have two seconds on Peter Jones, Aimi Macdonald, starting now.

AM: Wi...

BUZZ

AM: Eh, wait, wait, wait a minute!

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I quite agree. One second left starting now.

KW: Well, heís due to have a store named after him as a matter of fact!

WHISTLE

NP: So Aimi Macdonald, you ah um wonít be surprised to hear, gained a lot of points in that round. Sheís way out in the lead, Kenneth Williams is in second place, Peter Jones in third and Clement in fourth place. Clement Freud, itís your turn to begin. The subject is oil. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I was on a television show in New York when the question master or host said that unless there was more oil in America, they were seriously considering invading the Emirates, to which I asked whether if they ran short of whiskey, would they wage war against Scotland? The man got exceedingly angry and said that he felt that every country in the world had a right to have energy as and where it pleased, which I must say politically I totally disagree with. Oil is a finite, um...

BUZZ

CF: Somebody challenged.

NP: Eh, Aimi Macdonald challenged.

CF: Good!

AM: Oh, did I get...

NP: Yes.

CF: Iíd like to hear Aimi on oil.

NP: Aimi, you have 23 seconds. The subject is oil. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: I like to watch television where they show the little commercial with the sausage sitting in the refrigerator and the potato chip, because, you see, if you use a certain kind of oil, you can actually fry things without them smelling like other things or tasting like certain other objects.

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two other likes.

NP: Yes, and things. Right. Kenneth, youíre in with six seconds to go on the subject oil starting now.

KW: We know in the Bible it tells the unwise virgin did not put oil in the lamp. Now then...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams is now creeping up on our leader, Aimi Macdonald, and Peter Jones is going to begin the next round and the subject is red herrings. Peter, will you tell us something about that starting now.

PJ: Well, red herrings in themselves are a sort of deviation. They were used originally, I think, to, ah confuse foxhounds by, um...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Confuse by, ah. You do that so sweetly, though, darling.

PJ: Yes.

NP: And you challenged so sweetly, too. But you have 49 seconds on the subject of red herrings starting now.

AM: Oh, and I donít know what Iím going to talk about! But I think I know what itís all about. Itís, ah, when you buy a book, for example, which might be a thriller, you take it on the train with you and it will keep you Ė very amused, because half the time you will be thinking that somebody did it that didnít really do it, if you know what I mean. And that will turn out to be...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I donít.

NP: He never knew what he was doing when you said that, actually.

CF: Thatís what I meant.

NP: There are 27 seconds with red herrings still with you, Aimi, starting now.

AM: Oh! And Iím sitting on the train...

BUZZ

NP: Eh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of train.

NP: Yes.

AM: But darling, oh darling, Iím starting where I left off.

NP: I know, but you should have stayed on the train, not gone off and got on again. Um, Clement, you have the subject of red herrings and there are 26 seconds, starting now.

CF: My son Matthew took me to the cinema to see a film called Alien in which a cat was shown to have eaten, one supposed, having watched the movie, the monster, and...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation. Weíve nothing to do with red herrings.

NP: Well, I donít think weíve got to the subject of red herrings.

KW: Rather boring.

NP: Um, he didnít get, he didnít make his point sufficiently quickly on red herrings, so Kenneth, you have 12, no, 11 seconds on red herrings starting now.

KW: The thing to do with red herrings is to get a great crate of them and get on a train with a thriller and go and see a load of aliens hanging about in Paddington Station in top hats...

BUZZ

KW: ...eating great gob of...

NP: Um, Clement Freud, Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Oh, has he?

CF: Itís deviation. You canít get a crate of red herrings.

NP: I donít know. You get a crate and have the herrings all be red. Right, so you have two seconds...

CF: You moron.

NP: ...three seconds on red herrings, starting now.

KW: They are deliberately employed to de...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth is moving ahead! Heís still two points behind Aimi Macdonald but Clement Freud and Peter Jones are, for once, trailing. Kenneth, itís your turn to begin. The subject is the Ancient Mariner. And will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute, oh, youíve got your literary cultural face on now! Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: Coleridge has something in common, I think, with Alexander Burbage insofar as his poetry is, in effect, moralistic. He himself said it did not contain tenderness or passion. Now The Ancient Mariner deals with the intervention of extraordinary supernatural forces in a human drama. A terrible deed is done. The sin of killing a friendly bird, for which a terrible vengeance is extracted, and then all stilled, everything damned, no energy allowed to seep through. One act can result...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: I donít know what heís talking about.

NP: I think thatís extremely honest of you, Aimi. And it was lovely hearing from you, but he was actually being very interesting about...

AM: Was he?

NP: ...the Ancient Mariner.

PJ: This old sailor, you know.

NP: Uh Kenneth, you have this, a point for an incorrect challenge and you have 16 seconds left on the Ancient Mariner starting now.

KW: So with a love for what are slimy water snakes, he conceives an act of love for, well, itís, I really mean...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Itís ruinous, itís ruinous to play this game with illiterates because the whole point is you canít, you canít concentrate. I mean, they say, I canít understand that. So after that Iím just completely ruined.

NP: Kenneth. Kenneth, we do have as much fun and jokes from other members of the team as from you when they interrupt.

KW: Iím not here for fun and jokes! Iím here to enlighten people. They want to know about the Ancient Mariner! Theyíre going to go home eagerly to read their books about it, arenít you?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE.

KW: There you are, you heard them!

NP: So Clement Freud has a correct challenge and there are six seconds on the Ancient Mariner starting now.

CF: It was an Ancient Mariner and he stoppeth one of three. Now, I played a wedding guest when I was at school but unfortunately...

WHISTLE

NP: So, uh, weíre having fun in Just A Minute. And the subject, you might be surprised to hear, is having fun. Aimi Macdonald, itís your turn to begin. Will you take that subject and start now?

AM: There are many different ways of having fun, of course. Kenneth Williams likes to go home and read about old sea captains. I have other things in mind. I love to go out at night with a few friends and have a nice little something to eat in a nice little restaurant.

BUZZ

NP: Uh...

AM: I said nice twice, didnít I?

CF: And little.

NP: Well, letís see what Kennethís challenge is.

AM: Do that.

KW: Repetition and also, completely, complete libel.

NP: Yes, youíre absolutely right. Repetition of the word nice.

KW: I resent the implication that I only like reading about sea captains.

NP: Kenneth, you have the subject of having fun.

KW: What?

NP: Having fun.

KW: Oh, having fun, yes.

NP: Which is what we like to do in Just A Minute, whether with ancient sea captains or not. And there are 43 seconds left, starting now.

KW: Fun in the old days was with Al Bowlly and those sort of bands where you danced the fox trot or the rumba, and there was gaiety and music and light and a sort of abandon which I think is now gone. Itís replaced by a sort of modern music which seems totally...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of music.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid so, Kenneth. Clement Freud has the subject and there are 24 seconds left, starting now.

CF: It has been argued that rabbits have more fun than people because there are more of them. On the other hand, uh, people...

BUZZ

CF: ...have less fun than rabbits...

NP: Um, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, there was.

CF: It was very difficult to tell that without repeating rabbits and people.

NP: And there are 15 seconds left for Peter Jones...

CF: Oh are there?

NP: ... to tell us something about having fun starting now.

PJ: Well, I donít know why Kenneth was going on about the old dance bands in the Cafť de Paris and that era...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well, he should know! What a scream! That is a scream!

NP: Why should he know?

KW: Look at him! Look at him, eh? He shambles in here like some derelict, and then he comes back with this stuff about me knowing about it. What a, what a yock!

NP: So what is your challenge after all that?

KW: Oh no, itís a comment. I beg your pardon. I shouldn't have interrupted, that wasn't fair.

NP: So a comment gets a point for the person who was interrupted.

KW: Yes. Ha-ha-ha, look at his face though.

NP: And Peter Jones, you continue on the subject of having fun, starting now.

PJ: What amazed me was that he described them as abandoned, those days, and of course they were quite the reversed. Weíre much more so now than we ever were then.

WHISTLE

NP: Well, we have an interesting situation in the contest, because Peter Jones and Clement Freud are now equal, but theyíre way behind our two joint leaders, who are Aimi Macdonald and Kenneth Williams. And Clement, weíre back with you to begin. The subject is the duties of a host. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The duties of a host are many fold. In partic...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Itís not many. Itís manifold. So we canít have that. Thatís deviation.

NP: There are 57 seconds for the duties of a host with you, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: The duties of a host are beautifully illustrated by that story of Edward the Seventh, who entertained a Indian potentate, and during...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Uh, an Indian potentate.

NP: Clement Freud, you had a correct challenge.

KW: He rubs your nose in it!

NP: There are 49 seconds on the duties of a host, starting now.

CF: You must go into your guestís bedroom and make sure that the books which are put out are those...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Aimi Macdonald.

AM: You must go into your guestís bedroom, supposing the guest is in there?

NP: How nice for the guest! Clement Freud, it was an incorrect challenge so you keep the subject. And there are 43 seconds on the duties of a host, starting now.

CF: It is not unimportant to ascertain that garlic and other strong foods are to the taste of the person whom you are about to invite to stay with you. And a good host would make quite certain in every instance that the invitee is not embarrassed by being given the wrong drink, a false, food...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree, Peter. Gone very quiet, hasnít it?

PJ: Yes, it is. Beginning to drag, I thought, as well.

NP: Twenty seconds, starting now.

PJ: Well, the duties of a host are manifold. They are endless. Youíve got to put them into bed, youíve got to take books, youíve got to give them drinks, then youíve got to take...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: You donít have to put them into bed. They go into bed by themselves.

PJ: Not all of them!

NP: Aimi...

AM: If thatís so, you put them in the bath as well, do you?

NP: No, yes, Aimi, you could if you wanted to. It was a good challenge, but I donít think he was deviating from the subject of the duties of a host. And, uh, there are six seconds left starting now.

PJ: My advice is to leave a timetable beside the bed so that thereís no mistake about the time that theyíre expected to leave!

WHISTLE

NP: Well, Peter Jones brought this eh contest to an end with style and panache. He got a point for doing so and it now is up to me to give you the final score. And only one point separates all four contestants. You'll be surprised to hear that Clement Freud was actually in fourth place, but only one point behind Peter Jones, who was one point behind Aimi Macdonald, who was one point behind winner Kenneth Williams. Well, Kenneth showed his manifold talents and won handsomely and it was a popular win. And it only remeans for me Ė only remeans for me? Well, it remeans or remains, whichever you prefer, whichever your pronunciation is, to say from all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just a Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The game was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.