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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 October 1971)
NOTE: Peter Jones's first appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard from that announcement we’re delighted to welcome on to the programme for the first time Peter Jones who has bravely come to do battle with these three intrepid players of the game. Best of luck, Peter! And just to remind you if you don’t already know, I’m going to ask each one to speak if they can for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do that they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. That’s how we play the game and let us begin this week with Kenneth Williams. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oooooohh! How lovely! NP: Kenneth... KW: How appropriate! NP: Kenneth can you talk for 60 seconds, doing my own thing. Can you go on that subject for 60 seconds starting now. KW: This is generally taken to mean being free, not restricted, so to speak, by any kind of traditional practice. In actual fact what it averagely amounts to is self-indulgence. And as such I have nothing but contempt for anyone who recommends this kind of policy. This can only lead to wastage! Wasted aims... BUZZ NP: Ah Clement Freud why have you challenged? CLEMENT FREUD: It was a slip-up. NP: Yes, you thought he said wastage twice. KW: Yes I said wastage and then wasted. NP: Yes very clever. KW: Hahahahahahahahaha! You see? NP: Yes all right Kenneth... KW: He got it! She went white! Look at her! NP: Clement Freud went slightly white too because he realised he’d been too keen with the challenge. So as I disagree with the challenge, Kenneth you gain a point, you keep the subject and you have 37 seconds left for doing my own thing starting now. KW: Yes contrary to what is contemporarily preached, it should be doing somebody else’s thing. We should all be thinking not of self or the indulgence of the personal ego... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly you challenged, why? ANDREE MELLY: Repetition, two indulgences. KW: No there wasn’t before, it was indulging. AM: You had a self-indulgence. NP: Yes I think you were... KW: You want to shut your great mouth! NP: When she’s right, of course... KW: Who asked her on here! NP: When she’s right, of course Kenneth you want her to shut her mouth. KW: Yes well... NP: But on this occasion I agree with her challenge so she gains a point and she takes over the subject of doing my own thing and there are 26 seconds left starting now. AM: My own thing which I love to do is to lie in our paddock where the grass is knee high. And look up into the sky and listen to the sound of the birds and the gentle muching of the threee sheep who we have which we hope are not doing their own thing too near. And the flick thing... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones you’ve challenged. PETER JONES: I thought it was, she hesitated too long... NP: She definitely hesitated... PJ: After those sheep. NP: Don’t be so modest about it. You’ll know when you’ve played the game a bit sooner Peter, you pounce straight in there. They don’t have any mercy, these people. So I agree with your challenge Peter, it was a hesitation and there are eight seconds left for you now Peter, doing my own thing, starting now. PJ: Well I think it’s important to... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why? CF: I was having no mercy! Hesitation. NP: And I disagree with your challenge. Your merciless challenge gains Peter Jones a point and he keeps the subject... KW: Oooohhh! You’ve given him a point! You great fool! You’ve given him a point! NP: There are seven seconds for doing my own thing Peter starting now. PJ: People should be encouraged to... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged again. CF: Repetition of no hesitation! NP: A very clever idea but actually it is not, he was still stricking... sticking... KW: Ah! Stricking! Ahahahahahaha! Oh your diction, oh it’s terrible! NP: The way you all behave, it gets me tongue-tied at times! I disagree with your challenge... BUZZ PJ: I just wanted to see if it buzzed before you said now! NP: I can’t give you a point for buzzing yourself, I’m sorry Peter. But you have got a point because I disagree with Clement’s last challenge and there are no six seconds for doing my own thing, Peter Jones, starting now. PJ: People should be encouraged to bake their own bread and dance and sing and entertain themselves in any way they like... WHISTLE NP: That whistle... that whistle tells us by the way that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones so at the end of the first round, our new boy has got a commanding lead. He has four points, Andree Melly has one, Kenneth Williams has one and Clement Freud has yet to score although he has tried very hard! Um but Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject is surprises. Something that you’ve done many times for us on this programme. But can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now. CF: In a recently published will, a listener to Just A Minute left me the mineral rights beneath the Crown Bowling Green at Rotherham. And I was pretty pleased because uranium is a commodity in huge demand and everyone said "you’re bound to become excessively rich and wealthy and famous. And men will turn in the street and say there is the man who will sp.... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly you challenged. AM: Hesitation. NP: Yes indeed he was frighteend to death by... KW: Well with men turning in the street he’s bound to hesitate! NP: Yes! Especially with what he thought they were going to say to him. KW: Yes! NP: So Andree... KW: I was loving it! I was getting quite worked up about that bit! I was enjoying it! NP: Yes... KW: You cut us off! Should never have had women on the show! It’s all wrong! NP: Andree I agree with your challenge and so you gain a point and you take over the subject of surprises, 20, 35 seconds starting now. AM: They’re something that I don’t like very much. And April’s Fools Day is about the worst time of the year because you get an awful lot of them. You open the kitchen door... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: I thought it was er, but it wasn’t... NP: It wasn’t, no, so Andree has another point... AM: Thank you! NP: ..and there are 25 seconds left for surprises starting now. AM: And a bucket of cold water falls on your head and ho! Ha! Hee! You say, trying to be amused... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, she’s never had buckets of water fall on her head in her life! And she doesn’t say ho ha hee! It’s all lies! She’s making it up and therefore it’s deviation! The subject should come to me! I would like to discuss it! NP: You think... you think the lies she makes up are any worse than the ones you make up Kenneth? KW: Ah! Oh! Oh! NP: No I’m er, it wasn’t, she can just talk about the subject without making it too personal or otherwise as she wishes. So I disagree with your challenge, Andree has another point and there are 18 seconds left for surprises starting now. AM: To find that Kenneth Williams can be so absolutely beastly to me on this game, when I’ve always been very nice to him, is one of the greatest surprises I’ve ever had in my life. And I do feel... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why? PJ: Well she hesitated again. NP: I don’t think she hesitated! PJ: And she deviated she said Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii feel! After this... KW: She deviated, didn’t she! She was deviating all the time! PJ: Well she... NP: Yes! PJ: Well I mean after this very unkind remark about Kenneth.... KW: Thank you Peter! Thank you! Hear hear! Hear hear! Quite right! PJ: Terrible! KW: Appalling! NP: I think I should explain to the listeners that Kenneth felt this unkind remark about Kenneth was a slight deviation. But he hadn’t the courage to challenge himself. So he nipped, he winked at Peter Jones who challenged but challenged on the wrong score! So Andree has another point... KW: Oh! PJ: Did he wink? I didn’t see him wink! Did you wink? KW: I never! PJ: No no! NP: Well anyway Andree has another point because I disagree with the challenge and the subject is surprises, Andree, nine seconds, starting now. AM: Opening presents is a very tricky time because you can be... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: We’re not discussing tricks, we’re discussing surprises! And opening presents can’t be a surprise because they’re lying there in front of you! How can you be surprised? NP: Kenneth... KW: Well how can you be surprised? NP: Kenneth... KW: We shouldn’t have women on the show! It’s all wrong! NP: Kenneth... You’d be surprised at some of the things you get in presents! Or maybe you’re not! KW: No, I don’t get any! NP: Ah! We’ll send you a few and you’d be surprised! Kenneth I disagree with your challenge and Andree has another point and there are six seconds for surprises starting now. AM: Getting gifts is something that surprises Kenneth Williams enormously as he... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of Kenneth Williams. NP: Yes we’ve had Kenneth Williams more than once! I know some people say you cannot have too much of Kenneth Williams. In this game you can have... well two people think so anyway. Um there are two seconds left because I agree with Clement’s challenge for him to take up surprises starting now. CF: Removing the string and peering into the... WHISTLE NP: Well whoever is speaking as I said gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud. At the end of that round Andree Melly has leapt forward into the lead. She has a two lead over Peter Jones who’s still the same. Clement Freud is creeping up a little on Peter Jones which is a very devious idea and Kenneth Williams who’s whispering to Clement Freud at the moment and not paying the slightest bit of attention, in spite of speaking quite a lot in the last round, has gained... KW: Well I can’t be expected to be interested unless I’ve leapt into the lead! Well I haven’t, it’s quite obvious! NP: No! You’re in fourth place actually! KW: Oh disgraceful! NP: Andree Melly the subject for you to start with this week is how I feel in hot pants. Can you talk to us on that subject for 60 seconds starting now. AM: Usually rather chilly and a bit goose pimply. I have one pair which are dark blue because I thought it suitable for my age. And I only wear them at home because I do feel you shouldn’t wear them in the town unless you are about 18... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why? KW: Repetition of wear. NP: Yes there were two wears now. So Kenneth you have now another point, you have crept up and you have taken over this delightful subject Kenneth. There are 46 seconds left for you to tell us how I feel in hot pants starting now. KW: Well if I were wearing them and I have worn some very brief things in my time, I imagine I would feel somewhat... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones, you challenged, why? PJ: Repetition of I. NP: I would have given you repetition of feel but we, we don’t actually Peter um give points, penalties for such small words as I and ands and thes. PJ: Oh I see. NP: Unless it gets too, too obvious... PJ: Well it was a bit obvious I thought. It was kind of... NP: I think the best thing to do on this occasion is not to count any points because after all Peter is new to the game, and leave the subject with Kenneth Williams and there are 38 seconds, how I feel in hot pants, starting now. KW: How I feel would not be... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud, why did you challenge? CF: Repetition of feel. NP: Yes there was a... KW: You’re allowed to repeat the words in the title, you great fool! It’s in the title! It’s on the card, innit! It’s on the card! Haven’t you got any sense? It’s on the card! NP: All right Kenneth... KW: It’s on the card, innit! NP: It’s on the card! KW: Well why don’t he take some tablets? It’s a disgrace, isn’t it! He gets all worked up! NP: Yes! Perhaps you can give him some of your tablets! It might key him up a little bit more! KW: I was up half the night mate! NP: I won’t, I won’t ask where... KW: Stomach upset, I’m talking about! Stomach yes! Terrible! NP: If that’s the effect your stomach upset has on you to make you so frenetic, all I can say is... KW: Well doesn’t it say feel on the card? Does it? NP: Yes it does say feel on the card and you’ve got another point! CF: But you just said... NP: Yes... CF: ...if he challenged on feel, you would have given it to him. NP: Yes but he didn’t... yes that was... CF: So you lied! NP: All right, we can all make mistakes! Feel is on the card and Kenneth is right... CF: But not two mistakes! NP: Kenneth has a point and there are 36 seconds left for how I feel in hot pants Kenneth starting now. KW: In hot pants my legs which were voted Best Legs of Bista in 1949... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why? KW: What! CF: Repetition of legs. NP: Yes there was a definite repetition of legs... KW: Well, they want repeating! They’re lovely! You don’t see them every day mate! CF: No! NP: Thank goodness we don’t! For once I am delighted it’s radio and we can’t see them. So I agree with Clement, you did say legs twice despite the fact that you have two of them. And there are 30 seconds now for you Clement to tell us how I feel in hot pants Clement starting now. CF: Men of science have found that it is equivalent to run 50 yards to doing your own thing, which is hardly a surprise... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has... KW: Deviation! This is nothing to do with hot pants! CF: Wait! Wait! NP: I think probably if you were in hot pants you would definitely be doing your own thing in more senses. So I disagree with your challenge, 18 seconds, 19 seconds left Clement, how I feel in hot pants starting now. CF: In a word, lovely! BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Because lovely and in a word and scientists and doing your own thing is just a load of filling in and rubbish! Nothing to do with hot pants! NP: Well I don’t... KW: Deviation! I should, I should have the subject back! NP: I know you want the subject back but I disagree with the challenge. You’ve made out a very... you haven’t made out a case at all really! Clement Freud has another point and the subject is how I feel in hot pants and there are 16 seconds left starting now. CF: Specially when I’m wearing a kilt and passed over a hot air vent... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged? PJ: Well he hesitated after kilt and I’m not surprised! I guess I would have done the same thing! He was obviously embarrassed! Didn’t you think? NP: So you thought it was deviation... PJ: I thought so! Quite right! Hesitation I thought it was! And it might have led to deviation afterwards, I dare say! I don’t know! NP: You’re too honest. I’m trying to suggest that if you have a, if you’re talking about hot pants, it’s not the same as having a kilt. PJ: Oh no it isn’t. NP: I’ll put it to the audience. Do you agree with ah because I’m afraid I can’t judge here. Do you agree with um Peter Jones’ challenge and if you agree will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you do it all together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE PJ: Oh that’s very good! NP: You agree with Peter Jones’s challenge and you have no idea what it was. And I think there was... yes. Sporting way to play the game because Peter’s new. And so there are 12 seconds Peter for you to tell us how I feel in hot pants starting now. PJ: I don’t wear hot pants myself very often. But the people I see wearing them often look rather long faced... BUZZ NP: Ah Andree Melly has challenged. AM: Ah deviation because he said he doesn’t wear them, therefore he’s not talking about the subject. NP: He’s not talking about how I feel in hot pants but how other people feel. I quite agree with your challenge, deviation Andree, five seconds left for you, you have another point, how I feel in hot pants starting now. AM: Happy, feminine, sexy... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Well she feels that anyway so she can’t have them on! NP: She obviously feels moreso with hot pants! We love having her on the programme. So there are three seconds Andree for how I feel in hot pants starting now. AM: Wonderful, marvellous, sultry and all together... WHISTLE NP: Well once again Andree Melly was speaking when the whistle went and so she’s increased her lead and she now has a commanding lead of four over Peter Jones and Clement Freud who are equal in second place and Kenneth is just in fourth place. Peter Jones it’s your turn to begin, the subject for you, very apt, being a new boy. Can you talk to us about that subject for Just A Minute starting now. PJ: I was a new boy first when I went to school at the age of six and I remember I was shut in to a kind of fire guard beside a very hot fire and I was burned severely. And then later when I went to er school when I was... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why? CF: Repetition of school. NP: That’s right, yes, your first school and then you went to another school. So Clement Freud you take over the subject having gained another point, 45 seconds on being a new boy, starting now. CF: Being a new boy in the Army is an event that I recall... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: He wasn’t a boy at the time he joined the Army, so it’s rubbish! NP: Well this... this actually is a very difficult... KW: No it’s not difficult... NP: Yes it is! KW: You’re an adult! You’re an adult when you join the Army! If you’re a boy you join the Cadets! You great fool! Anyone will tell you that! I was a Cadet myself wasn’t I! I could tell you about the Cadets! NP: Kenneth Williams will you please sit down! And act with some decorum! KW: Well I was up half the night... NP: I’m very upset about you! The thing is ladies and gentlemen I, being a new boy obviously can be an expression which you can interpret and say you can be a new boy in any situation. But of course taken literally then Kenneth has a justifiable challenge. And it’s up to you I think to decide which is the fair in this situation because I’m not going to decide. I’m going to put it to you once again. If you agree with Kenneth’s challenge... and if you are influenced by the fact that Kenneth is playing up to you and shouting to you to vote for him then I will disallow it. I rely on you to be the fair and final arbiters in this situation. If you... KW: Oh don’t hang it out! Come on! NP: I’m going to do my own thing if I want to. If you agree with Kenneth’s challenge will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: Boo! KW: Yes they applaud me! Oh I’m wonderful! NP: There were just as many against you. I consider it was a complete draw... KW: Shut your great mouth! NP: There was no... some were definitely cheering. We’re going to score no points, leave the subject with Clement Freud, being a new boy, 42 seconds left starting now. CF: This was slightly embarrassing because I was born Freud and all the others were called McGillicuddy. I was in a regiment in Northern Ireland and a new boy had tremendous drawbacks in that his uniform which was set to belong to the King, fitted him as if it was in fact made for the Monarch. So for the first month of military service I walked around in a pair of trousers which trailed some feet behind me, shirts which overlapped my ankles and indeed my wrists by inches. And a hat size, eight and a quarter when I took a seven... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones you challenged. Why? PJ: Well deviation. I don’t think the size of his head had really anything to do with it. Er he seemed to be rambling on about the uniform rather than the experience... NP: It was so pathetic! PJ: ...of being a new boy. NP: But nobody had the courage to challenge. So what is your challenge, waht basis would you say? Either repetition, hesitation... PJ: Deviation! NP: Deviation. Well on being a new boy, it’s such a pathetic picture of a new boy. I don’t know. I’m going to ask you to judge again. Do you agree... CF: Oh no no! NP: ..with Peter’s challenge, you cheer... CF: No! NP: ..and if you disagree will you boo and all do it together now. CF: Cheer-boo! CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Peter Jones has another point, three seconds for being a new boy Peter starting now. PJ: And then I... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: No! Peter has two seconds for being a new boy starting now. PJ: Set in rolling hills... WHISTLE NP: They’re giving me some difficult decisions on which to arbitrate. At the end of that round Andree still has the lead, she’s one point ahead of Peter Jones and he’s just in front of Clement. Kenneth is still trailing a little. Kenneth it’s your turn to begin... KW: Oh thank goodness for that! NP: After what you’ve told us earlier on, you’ve no idea what subject Ian Messiter’s thought up for you next. It’s getting the wind up! And we certainly didn’t know you had an upset stomach before we started the programme today. So Kenneth you have 60 seconds, getting the wind up starting now. KW: This is appropriate for me because as any sailor will tell you it’s the time you sail. Getting the wind up on the wings of the morning... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. KW: ...with your own true love. Sail away to a new horizon with a salt sea spray in the nostrils. With mine flaring, I get a lot of it I can tell you! With the ozone... what are you talking about? NP: A long time ago Clement Freud challenged you actually. KW: Apropos? NP: Apropos Clement? CF: I forget! NP: He’s forgotten! So as Clement is such a generous man when he plays the game I’m sure he won’t mind if you get a point because he’s forgotten his challenge. And you have 50 seconds to continue, getting the wind up, starting now. KW: And the sails billowing out with the wind. And on the old foremaster’s, lashed I was! Lashed! Oh what a time I had! BUZZ NP: Andree Melly... KW: What a time! Oh what a... NP: Hey! Lash up there! You challenged, why? AM: Repetition, two lashes. NP: Yes, you were lashed too much. I must explain to the listeners that that laugh there was because Kenneth was so overcome he threw himself onto Clement Freud’s shoulder who sits beside him and showed that romance has blossomed and bloomed in Just A Minute. He’s still with us! Andree Melly you take over the subject of getting the wind up and there are 40 seconds left starting now. AM: As any woman knows this is terribly important if you have a very small baby. And when this small... oh... BUZZ NP: You challenged... CF: Repetition. NP: Repetition of small, yes. Clement, 32 seconds for you, getting the wind up, starting now. CF: Getting the wind up is really another way of saying repetition which is a word that we don’t care for... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, we don’t want that, it has nothing to do with it. NP: If you’d ever had the wind up that way, you’d know it was very repetitious. KW: I think you’re referring to regurgitation, not repetition dear. The things are not the same at all. NP: I don’t know what you’re talking about, old boy. I know that if you had something like a radish... KW: Oh instead of fluffing about, give the subject back to me! Come along! NP: I was just as I always do about to give a reasonable raeson for the why I make up my mind about certain... oh... CF: I think that’s pretty succinct! NP: You understand now don’t you! CF: Yes! NP: All right I disagree with your challenge and Clement Freud gets a point, keeps the subject and 26 seconds left, getting the wind up, starting now. CF: Sailing across the Pacific Ocean it is customary to get the wind up at around 8.00 in the morning... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: That is completely untrue! I had the wind up in the Pacific at seven! CF: Nobody could call you customary! KW: Oh I see! NP: You may get it up at seven, Clement Freud eight, others may get it up at nine, it doesn’t matter. It’s still getting the wind up and keeping going on the subject. There are 18 seconds for you Clement getting the wind up starting now. CF: And on Nicaraguan summer time it can even come at 4.30 in the afternoon. But this is unimportant. When the wind comes up... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged? AM: Deviation because if it’s unimportant he shouldn’t be talking about it. NP: But you see Andree to be quite fair if you are going to try and keep going on a subject that you know nothing about, providing you don’t deviate from the subject on the card, however unimportant it is, it’s still not wrong in the game. So I must disagree with your challenge, Clement gets another point, he gets another point, there are 10 seconds left, getting the wind up starting now. CF: You hoist the mizzen, sloop the topsoil and lash the mast to the floorboards. At which point the... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Because you don’t have floorboards on the ship! NP: Have you ever heard of anybody lashing the masts to the floorboards! You’d go right over! Deviation, oh yes! KW: Yes! NP: I don’t want to sail with Clement Freud after that, goodness me! Kenneth you have the point, you have the subject, four and a half seconds left, getting the wind up, starting now. KW: What had happened to me when this terrible white shrouded creature come out... WHISTLE KW: ...out of the alcoves in the passage! Oh I was... NP: Well I’m afraid we have no more time and I see that our 30 minutes is almost up. So that is the last round and um Kenneth Williams was in fourth place, Peter Jones was in third place, Clement Freud was only just one point behind this week’s winner Andree Melly. We do hope you’ve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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