JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 October 1971)

NOTE: Peter Jones's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard from that announcement weíre delighted to welcome on to the programme for the first time Peter Jones who has bravely come to do battle with these three intrepid players of the game. Best of luck, Peter! And just to remind you if you donít already know, Iím going to ask each one to speak if they can for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do that they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. Thatís how we play the game and let us begin this week with Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oooooohh! How lovely!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: How appropriate!

NP: Kenneth can you talk for 60 seconds, doing my own thing. Can you go on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This is generally taken to mean being free, not restricted, so to speak, by any kind of traditional practice. In actual fact what it averagely amounts to is self-indulgence. And as such I have nothing but contempt for anyone who recommends this kind of policy. This can only lead to wastage! Wasted aims...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: It was a slip-up.

NP: Yes, you thought he said wastage twice.

KW: Yes I said wastage and then wasted.

NP: Yes very clever.

KW: Hahahahahahahahaha! You see?

NP: Yes all right Kenneth...

KW: He got it! She went white! Look at her!

NP: Clement Freud went slightly white too because he realised heíd been too keen with the challenge. So as I disagree with the challenge, Kenneth you gain a point, you keep the subject and you have 37 seconds left for doing my own thing starting now.

KW: Yes contrary to what is contemporarily preached, it should be doing somebody elseís thing. We should all be thinking not of self or the indulgence of the personal ego...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged, why?

ANDREE MELLY: Repetition, two indulgences.

KW: No there wasnít before, it was indulging.

AM: You had a self-indulgence.

NP: Yes I think you were...

KW: You want to shut your great mouth!

NP: When sheís right, of course...

KW: Who asked her on here!

NP: When sheís right, of course Kenneth you want her to shut her mouth.

KW: Yes well...

NP: But on this occasion I agree with her challenge so she gains a point and she takes over the subject of doing my own thing and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

AM: My own thing which I love to do is to lie in our paddock where the grass is knee high. And look up into the sky and listen to the sound of the birds and the gentle muching of the threee sheep who we have which we hope are not doing their own thing too near. And the flick thing...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones youíve challenged.

PETER JONES: I thought it was, she hesitated too long...

NP: She definitely hesitated...

PJ: After those sheep.

NP: Donít be so modest about it. Youíll know when youíve played the game a bit sooner Peter, you pounce straight in there. They donít have any mercy, these people. So I agree with your challenge Peter, it was a hesitation and there are eight seconds left for you now Peter, doing my own thing, starting now.

PJ: Well I think itís important to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: I was having no mercy! Hesitation.

NP: And I disagree with your challenge. Your merciless challenge gains Peter Jones a point and he keeps the subject...

KW: Oooohhh! Youíve given him a point! You great fool! Youíve given him a point!

NP: There are seven seconds for doing my own thing Peter starting now.

PJ: People should be encouraged to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged again.

CF: Repetition of no hesitation!

NP: A very clever idea but actually it is not, he was still stricking... sticking...

KW: Ah! Stricking! Ahahahahahaha! Oh your diction, oh itís terrible!

NP: The way you all behave, it gets me tongue-tied at times! I disagree with your challenge...

BUZZ

PJ: I just wanted to see if it buzzed before you said now!

NP: I canít give you a point for buzzing yourself, Iím sorry Peter. But you have got a point because I disagree with Clementís last challenge and there are no six seconds for doing my own thing, Peter Jones, starting now.

PJ: People should be encouraged to bake their own bread and dance and sing and entertain themselves in any way they like...

WHISTLE

NP: That whistle... that whistle tells us by the way that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones so at the end of the first round, our new boy has got a commanding lead. He has four points, Andree Melly has one, Kenneth Williams has one and Clement Freud has yet to score although he has tried very hard! Um but Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject is surprises. Something that youíve done many times for us on this programme. But can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: In a recently published will, a listener to Just A Minute left me the mineral rights beneath the Crown Bowling Green at Rotherham. And I was pretty pleased because uranium is a commodity in huge demand and everyone said "youíre bound to become excessively rich and wealthy and famous. And men will turn in the street and say there is the man who will sp....

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed he was frighteend to death by...

KW: Well with men turning in the street heís bound to hesitate!

NP: Yes! Especially with what he thought they were going to say to him.

KW: Yes!

NP: So Andree...

KW: I was loving it! I was getting quite worked up about that bit! I was enjoying it!

NP: Yes...

KW: You cut us off! Should never have had women on the show! Itís all wrong!

NP: Andree I agree with your challenge and so you gain a point and you take over the subject of surprises, 20, 35 seconds starting now.

AM: Theyíre something that I donít like very much. And Aprilís Fools Day is about the worst time of the year because you get an awful lot of them. You open the kitchen door...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I thought it was er, but it wasnít...

NP: It wasnít, no, so Andree has another point...

AM: Thank you!

NP: ..and there are 25 seconds left for surprises starting now.

AM: And a bucket of cold water falls on your head and ho! Ha! Hee! You say, trying to be amused...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, sheís never had buckets of water fall on her head in her life! And she doesnít say ho ha hee! Itís all lies! Sheís making it up and therefore itís deviation! The subject should come to me! I would like to discuss it!

NP: You think... you think the lies she makes up are any worse than the ones you make up Kenneth?

KW: Ah! Oh! Oh!

NP: No Iím er, it wasnít, she can just talk about the subject without making it too personal or otherwise as she wishes. So I disagree with your challenge, Andree has another point and there are 18 seconds left for surprises starting now.

AM: To find that Kenneth Williams can be so absolutely beastly to me on this game, when Iíve always been very nice to him, is one of the greatest surprises Iíve ever had in my life. And I do feel...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Well she hesitated again.

NP: I donít think she hesitated!

PJ: And she deviated she said Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii feel! After this...

KW: She deviated, didnít she! She was deviating all the time!

PJ: Well she...

NP: Yes!

PJ: Well I mean after this very unkind remark about Kenneth....

KW: Thank you Peter! Thank you! Hear hear! Hear hear! Quite right!

PJ: Terrible!

KW: Appalling!

NP: I think I should explain to the listeners that Kenneth felt this unkind remark about Kenneth was a slight deviation. But he hadnít the courage to challenge himself. So he nipped, he winked at Peter Jones who challenged but challenged on the wrong score! So Andree has another point...

KW: Oh!

PJ: Did he wink? I didnít see him wink! Did you wink?

KW: I never!

PJ: No no!

NP: Well anyway Andree has another point because I disagree with the challenge and the subject is surprises, Andree, nine seconds, starting now.

AM: Opening presents is a very tricky time because you can be...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Weíre not discussing tricks, weíre discussing surprises! And opening presents canít be a surprise because theyíre lying there in front of you! How can you be surprised?

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Well how can you be surprised?

NP: Kenneth...

KW: We shouldnít have women on the show! Itís all wrong!

NP: Kenneth... Youíd be surprised at some of the things you get in presents! Or maybe youíre not!

KW: No, I donít get any!

NP: Ah! Weíll send you a few and youíd be surprised! Kenneth I disagree with your challenge and Andree has another point and there are six seconds for surprises starting now.

AM: Getting gifts is something that surprises Kenneth Williams enormously as he...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Kenneth Williams.

NP: Yes weíve had Kenneth Williams more than once! I know some people say you cannot have too much of Kenneth Williams. In this game you can have... well two people think so anyway. Um there are two seconds left because I agree with Clementís challenge for him to take up surprises starting now.

CF: Removing the string and peering into the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well whoever is speaking as I said gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud. At the end of that round Andree Melly has leapt forward into the lead. She has a two lead over Peter Jones whoís still the same. Clement Freud is creeping up a little on Peter Jones which is a very devious idea and Kenneth Williams whoís whispering to Clement Freud at the moment and not paying the slightest bit of attention, in spite of speaking quite a lot in the last round, has gained...

KW: Well I canít be expected to be interested unless Iíve leapt into the lead! Well I havenít, itís quite obvious!

NP: No! Youíre in fourth place actually!

KW: Oh disgraceful!

NP: Andree Melly the subject for you to start with this week is how I feel in hot pants. Can you talk to us on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Usually rather chilly and a bit goose pimply. I have one pair which are dark blue because I thought it suitable for my age. And I only wear them at home because I do feel you shouldnít wear them in the town unless you are about 18...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: Repetition of wear.

NP: Yes there were two wears now. So Kenneth you have now another point, you have crept up and you have taken over this delightful subject Kenneth. There are 46 seconds left for you to tell us how I feel in hot pants starting now.

KW: Well if I were wearing them and I have worn some very brief things in my time, I imagine I would feel somewhat...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones, you challenged, why?

PJ: Repetition of I.

NP: I would have given you repetition of feel but we, we donít actually Peter um give points, penalties for such small words as I and ands and thes.

PJ: Oh I see.

NP: Unless it gets too, too obvious...

PJ: Well it was a bit obvious I thought. It was kind of...

NP: I think the best thing to do on this occasion is not to count any points because after all Peter is new to the game, and leave the subject with Kenneth Williams and there are 38 seconds, how I feel in hot pants, starting now.

KW: How I feel would not be...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, why did you challenge?

CF: Repetition of feel.

NP: Yes there was a...

KW: Youíre allowed to repeat the words in the title, you great fool! Itís in the title! Itís on the card, innit! Itís on the card! Havenít you got any sense? Itís on the card!

NP: All right Kenneth...

KW: Itís on the card, innit!

NP: Itís on the card!

KW: Well why donít he take some tablets? Itís a disgrace, isnít it! He gets all worked up!

NP: Yes! Perhaps you can give him some of your tablets! It might key him up a little bit more!

KW: I was up half the night mate!

NP: I wonít, I wonít ask where...

KW: Stomach upset, Iím talking about! Stomach yes! Terrible!

NP: If thatís the effect your stomach upset has on you to make you so frenetic, all I can say is...

KW: Well doesnít it say feel on the card? Does it?

NP: Yes it does say feel on the card and youíve got another point!

CF: But you just said...

NP: Yes...

CF: ...if he challenged on feel, you would have given it to him.


NP: Yes but he didnít... yes that was...

CF: So you lied!

NP: All right, we can all make mistakes! Feel is on the card and Kenneth is right...

CF: But not two mistakes!

NP: Kenneth has a point and there are 36 seconds left for how I feel in hot pants Kenneth starting now.

KW: In hot pants my legs which were voted Best Legs of Bista in 1949...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

KW: What!

CF: Repetition of legs.

NP: Yes there was a definite repetition of legs...

KW: Well, they want repeating! Theyíre lovely! You donít see them every day mate!

CF: No!

NP: Thank goodness we donít! For once I am delighted itís radio and we canít see them. So I agree with Clement, you did say legs twice despite the fact that you have two of them. And there are 30 seconds now for you Clement to tell us how I feel in hot pants Clement starting now.

CF: Men of science have found that it is equivalent to run 50 yards to doing your own thing, which is hardly a surprise...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Deviation! This is nothing to do with hot pants!

CF: Wait! Wait!

NP: I think probably if you were in hot pants you would definitely be doing your own thing in more senses. So I disagree with your challenge, 18 seconds, 19 seconds left Clement, how I feel in hot pants starting now.

CF: In a word, lovely!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because lovely and in a word and scientists and doing your own thing is just a load of filling in and rubbish! Nothing to do with hot pants!

NP: Well I donít...

KW: Deviation! I should, I should have the subject back!

NP: I know you want the subject back but I disagree with the challenge. Youíve made out a very... you havenít made out a case at all really! Clement Freud has another point and the subject is how I feel in hot pants and there are 16 seconds left starting now.

CF: Specially when Iím wearing a kilt and passed over a hot air vent...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?

PJ: Well he hesitated after kilt and Iím not surprised! I guess I would have done the same thing! He was obviously embarrassed! Didnít you think?

NP: So you thought it was deviation...

PJ: I thought so! Quite right! Hesitation I thought it was! And it might have led to deviation afterwards, I dare say! I donít know!

NP: Youíre too honest. Iím trying to suggest that if you have a, if youíre talking about hot pants, itís not the same as having a kilt.

PJ: Oh no it isnít.

NP: Iíll put it to the audience. Do you agree with ah because Iím afraid I canít judge here. Do you agree with um Peter Jonesí challenge and if you agree will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you do it all together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Oh thatís very good!

NP: You agree with Peter Jonesís challenge and you have no idea what it was. And I think there was... yes. Sporting way to play the game because Peterís new. And so there are 12 seconds Peter for you to tell us how I feel in hot pants starting now.

PJ: I donít wear hot pants myself very often. But the people I see wearing them often look rather long faced...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Ah deviation because he said he doesnít wear them, therefore heís not talking about the subject.

NP: Heís not talking about how I feel in hot pants but how other people feel. I quite agree with your challenge, deviation Andree, five seconds left for you, you have another point, how I feel in hot pants starting now.

AM: Happy, feminine, sexy...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well she feels that anyway so she canít have them on!

NP: She obviously feels moreso with hot pants! We love having her on the programme. So there are three seconds Andree for how I feel in hot pants starting now.

AM: Wonderful, marvellous, sultry and all together...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once again Andree Melly was speaking when the whistle went and so sheís increased her lead and she now has a commanding lead of four over Peter Jones and Clement Freud who are equal in second place and Kenneth is just in fourth place. Peter Jones itís your turn to begin, the subject for you, very apt, being a new boy. Can you talk to us about that subject for Just A Minute starting now.


PJ: I was a new boy first when I went to school at the age of six and I remember I was shut in to a kind of fire guard beside a very hot fire and I was burned severely. And then later when I went to er school when I was...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Repetition of school.

NP: Thatís right, yes, your first school and then you went to another school. So Clement Freud you take over the subject having gained another point, 45 seconds on being a new boy, starting now.

CF: Being a new boy in the Army is an event that I recall...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: He wasnít a boy at the time he joined the Army, so itís rubbish!

NP: Well this... this actually is a very difficult...

KW: No itís not difficult...

NP: Yes it is!

KW: Youíre an adult! Youíre an adult when you join the Army! If youíre a boy you join the Cadets! You great fool! Anyone will tell you that! I was a Cadet myself wasnít I! I could tell you about the Cadets!

NP: Kenneth Williams will you please sit down! And act with some decorum!

KW: Well I was up half the night...

NP: Iím very upset about you! The thing is ladies and gentlemen I, being a new boy obviously can be an expression which you can interpret and say you can be a new boy in any situation. But of course taken literally then Kenneth has a justifiable challenge. And itís up to you I think to decide which is the fair in this situation because Iím not going to decide. Iím going to put it to you once again. If you agree with Kennethís challenge... and if you are influenced by the fact that Kenneth is playing up to you and shouting to you to vote for him then I will disallow it. I rely on you to be the fair and final arbiters in this situation. If you...

KW: Oh donít hang it out! Come on!

NP: Iím going to do my own thing if I want to. If you agree with Kennethís challenge will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Boo!

KW: Yes they applaud me! Oh Iím wonderful!

NP: There were just as many against you. I consider it was a complete draw...

KW: Shut your great mouth!

NP: There was no... some were definitely cheering. Weíre going to score no points, leave the subject with Clement Freud, being a new boy, 42 seconds left starting now.

CF: This was slightly embarrassing because I was born Freud and all the others were called McGillicuddy. I was in a regiment in Northern Ireland and a new boy had tremendous drawbacks in that his uniform which was set to belong to the King, fitted him as if it was in fact made for the Monarch. So for the first month of military service I walked around in a pair of trousers which trailed some feet behind me, shirts which overlapped my ankles and indeed my wrists by inches. And a hat size, eight and a quarter when I took a seven...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones you challenged. Why?

PJ: Well deviation. I donít think the size of his head had really anything to do with it. Er he seemed to be rambling on about the uniform rather than the experience...

NP: It was so pathetic!

PJ: ...of being a new boy.

NP: But nobody had the courage to challenge. So what is your challenge, waht basis would you say? Either repetition, hesitation...

PJ: Deviation!

NP: Deviation. Well on being a new boy, itís such a pathetic picture of a new boy. I donít know. Iím going to ask you to judge again. Do you agree...

CF: Oh no no!

NP: ..with Peterís challenge, you cheer...

CF: No!

NP: ..and if you disagree will you boo and all do it together now.

CF: Cheer-boo!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter Jones has another point, three seconds for being a new boy Peter starting now.

PJ: And then I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! Peter has two seconds for being a new boy starting now.

PJ: Set in rolling hills...

WHISTLE

NP: Theyíre giving me some difficult decisions on which to arbitrate. At the end of that round Andree still has the lead, sheís one point ahead of Peter Jones and heís just in front of Clement. Kenneth is still trailing a little. Kenneth itís your turn to begin...

KW: Oh thank goodness for that!

NP: After what youíve told us earlier on, youíve no idea what subject Ian Messiterís thought up for you next. Itís getting the wind up! And we certainly didnít know you had an upset stomach before we started the programme today. So Kenneth you have 60 seconds, getting the wind up starting now.

KW: This is appropriate for me because as any sailor will tell you itís the time you sail. Getting the wind up on the wings of the morning...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: ...with your own true love. Sail away to a new horizon with a salt sea spray in the nostrils. With mine flaring, I get a lot of it I can tell you! With the ozone... what are you talking about?

NP: A long time ago Clement Freud challenged you actually.

KW: Apropos?

NP: Apropos Clement?

CF: I forget!

NP: Heís forgotten! So as Clement is such a generous man when he plays the game Iím sure he wonít mind if you get a point because heís forgotten his challenge. And you have 50 seconds to continue, getting the wind up, starting now.

KW: And the sails billowing out with the wind. And on the old foremasterís, lashed I was! Lashed! Oh what a time I had!

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly...

KW: What a time! Oh what a...

NP: Hey! Lash up there! You challenged, why?

AM: Repetition, two lashes.

NP: Yes, you were lashed too much. I must explain to the listeners that that laugh there was because Kenneth was so overcome he threw himself onto Clement Freudís shoulder who sits beside him and showed that romance has blossomed and bloomed in Just A Minute. Heís still with us! Andree Melly you take over the subject of getting the wind up and there are 40 seconds left starting now.

AM: As any woman knows this is terribly important if you have a very small baby. And when this small... oh...

BUZZ

NP: You challenged...

CF: Repetition.

NP: Repetition of small, yes. Clement, 32 seconds for you, getting the wind up, starting now.

CF: Getting the wind up is really another way of saying repetition which is a word that we donít care for...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, we donít want that, it has nothing to do with it.

NP: If youíd ever had the wind up that way, youíd know it was very repetitious.

KW: I think youíre referring to regurgitation, not repetition dear. The things are not the same at all.

NP: I donít know what youíre talking about, old boy. I know that if you had something like a radish...

KW: Oh instead of fluffing about, give the subject back to me! Come along!

NP: I was just as I always do about to give a reasonable raeson for the why I make up my mind about certain... oh...

CF: I think thatís pretty succinct!

NP: You understand now donít you!

CF: Yes!

NP: All right I disagree with your challenge and Clement Freud gets a point, keeps the subject and 26 seconds left, getting the wind up, starting now.

CF: Sailing across the Pacific Ocean it is customary to get the wind up at around 8.00 in the morning...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: That is completely untrue! I had the wind up in the Pacific at seven!

CF: Nobody could call you customary!

KW: Oh I see!

NP: You may get it up at seven, Clement Freud eight, others may get it up at nine, it doesnít matter. Itís still getting the wind up and keeping going on the subject. There are 18 seconds for you Clement getting the wind up starting now.

CF: And on Nicaraguan summer time it can even come at 4.30 in the afternoon. But this is unimportant. When the wind comes up...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation because if itís unimportant he shouldnít be talking about it.

NP: But you see Andree to be quite fair if you are going to try and keep going on a subject that you know nothing about, providing you donít deviate from the subject on the card, however unimportant it is, itís still not wrong in the game. So I must disagree with your challenge, Clement gets another point, he gets another point, there are 10 seconds left, getting the wind up starting now.

CF: You hoist the mizzen, sloop the topsoil and lash the mast to the floorboards. At which point the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because you donít have floorboards on the ship!

NP: Have you ever heard of anybody lashing the masts to the floorboards! Youíd go right over! Deviation, oh yes!

KW: Yes!

NP: I donít want to sail with Clement Freud after that, goodness me! Kenneth you have the point, you have the subject, four and a half seconds left, getting the wind up, starting now.

KW: What had happened to me when this terrible white shrouded creature come out...

WHISTLE

KW: ...out of the alcoves in the passage! Oh I was...

NP: Well Iím afraid we have no more time and I see that our 30 minutes is almost up. So that is the last round and um Kenneth Williams was in fourth place, Peter Jones was in third place, Clement Freud was only just one point behind this weekís winner Andree Melly. We do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.