JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,KWhitehorn
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and KATHARINE WHITEHORN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 December 1971)

NOTE: Katharine Whitehorn's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Katharine Whitehorn in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we welcome back the same four keen competitors of Just A Minute whom Iím going to ask to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do this they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement the subject for you, essentials. Can you talk on that for just one minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Colloquially if you are caught without your essentials, it might well mean if you are a man that you have forgotten...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Two ifs.

NP: Right at the beginning of a new game they are as sharp as anything! Well we donít usually allow such little challenges as that.

KWi: I see. Fair enough. Well Iíll waive it...

NP: Iíll tell you...

KWi: Iíll waive it. Fair enough.

NP: No, no, Iíll tell you what...

KWi: Youíre a very good chairman.

NP: Iíll give you a point for a correct challenge, because it was a correct one.

PETER JONES: I wouldnít accept charity if I were you! Youíre too good!

NP: Itís not charity, heís got a challenge which is correct.

KWi: Iím probably wrong anyway so I assumed...

NP: Fifty seconds for you on essentials Kenneth starting now.

KWi: Well of course sistowe and diastowe would be described as absolutely essential to the human body. And in case certain of you are ignorant about these words I will explain their meaning. The contraction and the outward action of the pumping of the human heart. It has been associated so often with romantic ideas and poetry. And in medicine with the essential business of...

BUZZ

NP: Katharine Whitehorn has challenged you, why?

KATHARINE WHITEHORN: Well as a matter of fact it was a mistake. But still Iíll try and back that up by saying to go off into the romantic ah...

KWi: I said the romantic and then I said in medicine with the reservoirs of the blood.

NP: I think he established even though...

KWh: Well...

NP: ...we thought it was a very curious way of talking that he did establish that it was essential to the working of the human body. And so um I think we must give him another point Katharine and say that he has 17 seconds on essentials Kenneth starting now.


KWi: The others of course are the seven secreted glands...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes, so you had ifs, Iím going to give Clement of course and er he has a point for a correct challenge. Clement, 15 seconds on essentials starting now.

CF: A flautist without a flute. A pianist...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I think so, only just but the benefit of the doubt to you Peter, 11 seconds, essentials, starting now.

PJ: I suppose Roy Plomley would consider that a gramophone and a number of records would be essentail to him if he were taken to...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle which is so elegantly blown for us by Ian Messiter who thought of the game tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains the extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones who is equal in the lead with two points alongside Kenneth Williams at the end of the first round. And Katharine Whitehorn it is your turn to begin, the subject, oysters. Can you talk to us about them for 60 seconds starting now.

KWh: What noise annoys an oyster most is presumably the sound of a squeezed lemon falling upon its prostrate form as the shell lies open in front of the diner. There are other heights of decimal frenzy which might also disturb this interesting molesque such as the sound of a keel scraping along at the top of its bed which might perhaps be enough to upset any of us. And in the case... of...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Well hesitation I thought.

KWi: Oh now....

NP: There was a pause...

KWi: Hesitation? She was slow but there was no hesitation.

NP: She was very slow. I think she had reached the point of slowness where you could interpret it as hesitation.

KWi: No I thought it was quite good...

NP: It was very clever actually because she got slower and slower and slower...

KWi: It was lovely!

NP: It was difficult to know whether she was hesitating or not.

KWh: Well it was all this business about oysters, theyíre not exactly...

KWi: It was almost mesmeric, I was reminded of the...

NP: Oh I was quite mesmerised myself!

KWh: Sometimes you go slow and itís almost mesmeric.

NP: Feeling those little molesques. No I think I must allow Peter Jones his hesitation...

KWi: Oh!

NP: ...and 25 seconds for oysters starting now.

PJ: I think one of the nicest foods is the oyster. And if you are going on a picnic I advise you to go to New South Wales and get a boat and go up the river from Sydney where...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KWi: Thi is a travel itinerary, and has very little to do with oysters.

NP: Well in my mind...

KWi: Itís deviation, deviation, deviation.

NP: ...he was going to make it quite clear that in this little boat he was going up the river and...

KWi: How do you know? Youíre not in his mind! You donít know where he was going to go! Do you think youíve got a crystal ball up there in which you can tell what everyoneís doing next?

NP: Well in that case Kenneth you could challenge after every two words and claim deviation because...

KWi: Oh how true that is! Oh I stand corrected! Oh thatís true!

NP: Thank goodness you back down very gracefully and rapidly on occasions Kenneth! Um Peter Jones has another point and there are 13 seconds for oysters starting now.

PJ: And there as you sail up the Hawkesbury you will find lots of little coves where attached to the rocks are the most delicious oysters youíve ever imagined. You can make a campfire...

WHISTLE

NP: That very loud whistle that was blown was still blown by Ian Messiter...

KWi: Itís all a load of lies! Theyíre not attached to rocks at all! Theyíre in beds!

NP: Why didnít you challenge him?

KWi: Itís all a pack of lies!

NP: Why didnít you challenge him then?

KWi: Well because you said all right, it all comes to an end, the whistleís blown, itís all lovely, you were going.

NP: Well the whistle has blown and you didnít challenge him before the whistle.

KWi: Look at him! Heís got...

PJ: Theyíre rock oysters! Theyíre rock oysters! They are attached.

NP: Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went without a challenge beforehand. So he gained an extra point and he now has a very definite lead. He has five points in fact and Kenneth is in second place with two. And Peter Jones itís your turn to begin, the subject pears. Remember itís the word on the card, not how itís spelled. And you have 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Still on the subject of food. Well thatís one of my favourite desserts. Delicious ripe firm pears, perhaps served in a basket...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well if theyíre ripe, theyíre not firm!

NP: I think itís a very good challenge. Itís very debatable because often people say that...

PJ: No, believe me, there is about 20 minutes in the life of a pear when it is both ripe and firm!

NP: You took the very words out of my mouth Peter! I think thatís a very pat description of the situation. So I award you the point and 50 seconds for pears starting now.

PJ: In a basket with a napkin. And if they are over-ripe or if they are not even...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of ripe.

NP: Yes you had ripe before, definitely, we had a discussion. So Clement I agree with your challenge, you have a point and 44 seconds for pears starting now.

CF: If you were to take some pears and whittle away at them with a knife, then it would rightly be said that here is a man who pares pears. And if you had two of these fruit, then one might recall that there...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Repetition, he said two fruit.

NP: What do you mean two fruit?

PJ: He had two!

NP: Oh I see! Repetition in that sense! Yes there were two so itís repetition. But, but you see, a pair is two and so as itís on the card, you can not have him on that...

KWh: He did not actually say a pair of pears, he said two pears.

NP: Yes but he has not deviated from the subject on the card which is pears and two is a pair.

PJ: Yes I see!

KWi: Oh get on with it!

NP: So...

PJ: You mean he won on a technicality!

NP: Oh itís a very difficult job being chairman I can assure you. Especially when everybody wants to press upon the chairman that their point of view is the right one. And there are 26 seconds for Clement Freud to continue with pears starting now.

CF: To put it another way he who purchases a brace of these things um would be said to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KWi: Hesitation, um.

NP: Yes yes he managed to find another word and was so delighted with it. And we were so impressed that then Kenneth came in with a challenge. Nineteen seconds now Kenneth on pears starting now.

KWi: Well of course the most famous is Pear Helene. And indeed when she sought...

BUZZ

NP: Katharine Whitehorn why have you challenged?

KWh: Because there is no such dish as Pear Helene, it is Pour Helene or Pear Helen.

KWi: On the contrary you should read Fowlerís Modern English, dear, in which he says to actually pronounce a foreign word in its own sounding, you make your interlocutor even more embarrassed by the acrobatic feat youíre making with your own mouth. And if itís good enough for Fowler, itís good enough for me. And nobody...

KWh: Well saying all that at once, what about...

KWi: Do you go around...

KWh: ... those sentences perhaps...

KWi: Do you go around saying coul-day-sac? No you say cul-de-sac like everybody else. We donít say Paree, we say weíre going to Paris. And donít come the acid with all this French rubbish!

NP: Kenneth that was very very well expressed but I do think here you say either Pour Helene or Pear Helen.

KWi: I said Pear Helene and the waiter gets it for me! What are you talking about! Are you trying to paint me as an ignorant slob?

NP: No! Youíve just proved that youíre not. It was a most interesting dissertation and Iím sorry it wasnít in the game actually. But I think Katharine had a very good challenge because after all we have to be very keen, weíre all pretty sharp. And so Iím going to award a point to her and she takes over the subject of pears and there are 14 seconds left starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Peter you have a point and there are 12 seconds for pears starting now.

PJ: There are certain seasons in the year when friends give one great piles of hard unripe pears and think...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of ripe.

NP: Oh God!

PJ: Unripe!

CF: Is this is a recording!

PJ: Unripe! This is unripe I said!

NP: Unripe is one word and ripeís another.

PJ: Well thatís what I said.

NP: Thatís right, so Peter you have another point and thereís four seconds left...

PJ: How many seconds?

NP: Four starting now.

PJ: And you stew them in red wine and serve them if you like with a mild...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Peter Jones was again speaking when the whistle went and he really is forging ahead and showing he knows the game. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin.

KWi: Oh thank goodness.

NP: We heard quite a lot from you in the last round, it wasnít in the game...

KWi: Only in protest!

NP: It was beautifully protested.

KWi: At the injustice and wickedness!

NP: Well hereís a good subject for you then, fright.

KWi: Oh!

NP: Can you talk to us about fright for 60 seconds Kenneth starting now.

KWi: I was once sitting in a bacher which is a name for a conventional type of bungalow in Ceylon, tyoing a rather interesting letter. And I heard a sort of swishing noise. I imagined it to be paper blowing along the floor. Looking though, I saw a snake. I didnít realise that it was dangerous and called out "help, help...

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Pity you repeated your call. Clement Freud challenged you first.

KWi: Anyway my commanding officer came in with a revolver and shot it.

NP: Itís a pity he didnít come after the first help, or youíd still be in the game! Clement you have a point for a correct challenge and 30 seconds for fright starting now.

CF: One of the easiest ways to be frightened is to go to Ceylon and sit in a small bungalow waiting...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams...

KWi: This is disgraceful and you know it! Heís just repeated everything I said! Am I to be abused in this fashion, first by that lady over there and now pinching every bit of my script! Pinching it!

NP: Well the thing is ah when you are stuck, when you are so clever that you can just go spontaneously like you did, you have to think of things on the spur of the moment and you often have to take over somebody elseís. So Clement did. Itís a great compliment to you that he couldnít be more spontaneous at that particular moment. So as he has not used those words before, there are 20 seconds for Clement having gained another point on fright starting now.

CF: It was a dark and stormy night and the waves were as big as houses on the outskirts of Madagascar, the capital city. And yet I in a small boat on the North Sea tried desperately to overcome the water that was warning...

BUZZ

NP: Katharine Whitehorn you challenged.

KWh: Well it just struck me, you must have deviated a good way from Madagascar if he got to the North sea!

CF: I didnít say it was Madagascar, I didnít say where...

NP: No, no, he was trying to describe it. He did sort of go around the houses a bit but he definitely was on the sea. So it was quite natural the water should have been up there, big as houses...

KWh: Forgive me for not following you, all that...

NP: I know itís very difficult, I quite agree Katharine. I think he was saying something about the water, the waves being as high as these houses near Madagascar which just was confusing. But he didnít deviate from fright and there are four seconds left for it Clement starting now.

CF: At 13,500 feet the pilot turned to me...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud gained a number of points in that round including taking one when the whistle went and so heís crept up on Peter Jones. And Clement Freud it is your turn to begin, the subject is affection. A subject a great deal of which has been shown at different times in this programme. And a lack of it on occasions as well. But would you talk about it for 60 seconds Clement starting now.

CF: If a man were to come up to you with jackboots and spirs and strike you about the face and body with a whip, it would be a very lukewarm reason for saying "there goes a fection". One would be more correct to state "what a swine". Because affection is love. Affection is when some good friend, like Kenneth Williams in a white shirt, faintly tarnished with perspiration marks beneath, embraces you, even as his nose twitches to show that for him thereís no-one else. Except his mother and various other friends whom he holds more dear. Once on a day bed in Exeter College, Oxford, a woman called Gladys bared herself and put both arms around me saying "you are the one, Clement Freud, make me happy...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím glad, perhaps itís a good thing the whiste went. Because if weíd gone further on what happened on that day on that bed on... where was it?

CF: Exeter College, Oxford.

NP: Exeter College. You do see that Clement Freud does lead a rather bizarre life. And um he gained the only points in that round, starting and finishing with the subject and um it is er Katharine Whitehornís turn to begin. Katharine the subject is sin. Can you talk to us on sin for 60 seconds starting now.

KWh: The seven deadly sins as outlined in medieval mythology comprised those things which they did not want to do and which we now do. In some cases this can be having a girl bare herself to you on a day bed at Exeter College, Oxford. In some cases it can be to sniff the... sunk...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree.

KWh: Well wouldnít you hesitate in the circumstances? I would!

NP: Yes she was even hesitating trying to remember what she said. Peter I agree with the challenge so you gain a point and there are 37 seconds for sin... ooh thatís nice... not much... can you sin in 37 seconds? Thatís a good point. Thirty-seven seconds Peter starting now.

PJ: Just to give them a name let us recall that they are pride, covetousness, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth, hesitation, deviation and repetition! Let us not fall into the trap...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of let us.

KWi: Yes, two.

NP: Oh let us remind ourselves, and let us not. Sharp challenging but itís neck and neck at the head of the game.

KWi: It doesnít matter whether itís neck and neck, itís either repetition or itís not.

NP: It is both neck and neck and repetition Kenneth. So donít be facetious! Twenty seconds for sin Clement with you starting now.

CF: In the game of ice hockey they have a very interesting thing which is called a sinbin. In other words when a player has committed an offence, known in the trade as sin, heís...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KWi: Weíre talking about ice hockey and what itís known in the trade, and ice hockey is not a trade.

CF: Yes it is.

NP: Well it can be, thereís again this colloquialism which comes in. And I say colloquially speaking most people might refer to it as a trade. Some would talk...

KWi: So you refer to ice hockey as a trade, do you?

NP: No I donít, but Clement Freud does. All right if you...

CF: Known in the trade...

NP: ..want to debate it, I will put it to the audience. Do you think that colloquially speaking it could be? But let you be the final judges. If you agree with er Kenneth Williamsí challenge will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo and you all do it together now.

CF: Hurray!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The boos have it Kenneth. Clement Freud... Clement you disagree?

CF: I thought the cheers had it.

NP: You thought the cheers had it?

CF: I thought the cheers had it.

NP: Thank you very much, Iím glad youíre sporting. So Kement... Clement... Kenneth! The audience are on your side and you have a point because itís not a trade and there are 10 seconds for sin with you now starting now.

KWi: As Oscar Wilde properly remarked, the only real sin is stupidity. And every time I come upon it I...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went and so he gained the extra point. But Clement...

KWi: So Iím winning?

NP: No youíre still very definitely in third place. Clement Freud and Peter Jones are still way out in the lead. And Peter Jones itís your turn to begin and from sin we go to goodness. Can you talk about goodness for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: This delightful quality is I suspect not perhaps quite as popular or as fashionable as it once was. Though I believe thet thereís still a great deal of it about. This is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KWi: Well heís talking a lot of rubbish. Goodness is a fundamental quality, therefore it can be neither fashionable nor unfashionable.

NP: Oh I think goodness can be fashionable or unfashionable.

KWi: Nonsense, itís a fundamental quality. Truth, goodness and beauty are fundamentals, theyíre neither in fashion or out of fashion.

NP: Oh...

KWi: A lie would be a lie in Babylon or London, you great idiot! Donít you know that? You canít talk about it being fashionable or unfashionable!

NP: I love the way you speak to me sometimes.

KWi: Oh I donít mean it rudely, I assure you!

NP: And if you think of your restoration comedy then they often say such and such is very much in fashion.

PJ: Iím speaking...

NP: You can use that expresiion and you can talk of it the way Peter did.

KWi: What he meant was the practising of goodness was out of fashion...

NP: I donít mind what he meant...

KWi: He didnít say that, he said goodness itself was out of fashion which is rubbish!

PJ: No the word, goodness.

KWi: Thereís wonderful people all around us, good people, fine people. People giving themselves, laying down their lives.

NP: And how do you know he wasnít referring to the word goodness being out of fashion? Either way I think Peter Jones has a point with 45 seconds left starting now.

PJ: This is supported by the fact that advertisers use the word a great deal. It must carry a lot of emotional weight. That is why they refer to something as havingb locked-in goodness, or goodness added or some kind of word of that kind...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of word.

NP: Yes you did say goodness was a er um...

PJ: Did I?

NP: Thatís right so Clement you have another point for a correct challenge, 27 seconds on goodness starting now.

CF: Take an elderly woman, down at heel and poor, with a bent back. And then along comes a man, balding, of middle age who puts his hand into his pocket, withdraws five crisp pound notes and says "here you are. This is to purchase a cheese sandwich and wine to go with it." Now there...

WHISTLE

NP: My goodness, he took a long time to get to his touch of goodness, didnít he. He so painted a picture, we were all paralysed for a minute. Clement Freud you were speaking when the whistle went, you gain that extra point and youíve increased your lead over Peter Jones at the end of that round. Kenneth the subject for you which Iím sure you can talk about, well about, because I hope youíve had many experiences of it, embarrassments. Can you tell us about some embarrassments in 60 seconds starting now.

KWi: On one occasion in a play called Hotel Paradiso at the Winter Garden Theatre where I had to peer through these French windows. And I did do this and I unknowingly had failed to fasten the fly. And the other actor stood in front of me. I thought selfishly, rudely, throughout the entire scene. When I got into the wings, I asked why he had obstructed me and he said "because your flies were open". I realised then...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Repetition of fly.

NP: Yes...

KWi: No I said fly first and flies the second. So anyway...

NP: He said fly... thatís right, yes...

KWi: Of course itís right! I know what Iím talking about! Donít worry, it was my flies that were open, wasnít it! And he said...

NP: All right, all right, Iíll give it to you in a minute.

KWi: Oh.

NP: Twenty-four seconds on flies... Iím sorry. Twenty-four seconds on embarrassments starting now.

KWi: And Joanie Sims always says that her most embarrassing moment was when the gun didnít go off and she was forced to kick him in the behind and he staggered to the float and said "the boot was poisoned"! Because the actor dies suddenly you see! Youíre a rotten house, arenít you!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes, why?

CF: Nothing to do with embarrassments.

KWi: Of course, itís extremely embarrassing to be kicked up the behind and have to stagger to a float and say...

NP: And itís very embarrassing to have a rotten house when you tell a very funny story.

KWi: Precisely! Thank you! Oh heís good!

NP: So sit down Kenneth, youíve got to continue in a minute. You have eight seconds for embarrassments Kenneth starting now.

KWi: The other one was when they went up to the Archbishop of Canterbury and said "every word is a hymn to Your Grace". Because they really meant it as a popular lyric, but you see...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went so he gains the extra point. And Iím afraid we have no more time so I must give you now the score at the end of what was the final round. And as you er probably guessed Katharine Whitehorn came in fourth place. She was a few points behind Kenneth Williams who was quite a few points behind Peter Jones who was just behind this weekís winner, Clement Freud. We do hope that youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, and from all of us here goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.