JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 December 1971)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again weíre delighted to welcome back Aimi Macdonald to pit her feminine wiles against our three tough male exponents of the game. And Iím going to ask them to speak once more if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do this or otherwise they will gain points or their opponents will. And weíll begin the show this week with Peter Jones. The subject, Peter, optimism. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: When I leave home on Just A Minute days, I always believe that finally I am going to win, which I believe proves that I...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Ah repetition.

NP: Yes.

AM: Believe.

NP: Thatís right.

AM: Yes.

NP: Yes and well done Aimi, youíre in there like greased lightning and you have 50 seconds for the subject of optimism starting now.

AM: Itís much better to be optimistic about things, rather than pessimistic. Then life is much easier, you see, and definitely a lot happier. Because you go through life being terribly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of life.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid you had more than one life er Aimi.

AM: Yes.

NP: Clement Freud you take over the subject because I agree with your challenge, you gain a point for that. And there are 40 seconds for optimism starting now.

CF: Next Tuesday my Rolls Royce will be delivered, my shares...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones you challenged, why?

PJ: Advertising! Heís always advertising!

NP: Yes but you see, the thing is providing he doesnít deviate from the subject on the card which is optimism then it is not official deviation. And therefore as he didnít do that I disagree with the challenge. Clement Freud gets a point and there are 34 seconds for optimism starting now.

CF: My shares will go up, my motherís help is likely to proposition me and this...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh itís disgraceful filth! Positive...

NP: So why have you challenged?

KW: I donít know but I think itís disgusting!

NP: What, the idea of the motherís help propositioning him?

KW: Yes!

NP: Well perhaps he...

CF: Wait for the end of the sentence!

NP: All right, actually he hasnít deviated from optimism. I mean it might be very optimistic to have your motherís help proposition you.

AM: I did buzz at the same time Nicholas, you know.

NP: Yes but whose ever buzzer goes first eliminates the other three.

AM: Oh but I thought Kenneth having gone for a burton, mine might be worth something.

NP: All right letís have yours, Aimi.

AM: Well, mineís for hesitation, you see.

NP: No I think that oneís going to go for a burton as well! Clement, you have oh, 30... sorry you have 27 seconds for optimism starting now.

CF: Itís a lovely day, the sun will shine for weeks, itís never going to rain again. Next year Iím going for my holidays around the world three times. Iím pretty confident that my bank managerís going to ring me up and say "Freud, come over here, Iíd like to give you an overdraft for four and a half million pounds." As soon as that happens, I will say "sir, Iím most grateful to you because that is exactly the sum of money with which I can do something like buy my own radio programme, take over the BBC...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who donít know, the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains the extra moment. On this occasion it was Clement Freud who has a commanding lead over everyone else at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams, weíd love to hear from you and itís your turn to begin. And the subject, very apt, Sweet Williams. Can you talk about Sweet Williams for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Yes itís very appropriate that you ask me to discuss this. Because when Queen Mary arrived from the Hague, she looked out into this window box and said "what are those sweet blooms?" And they said, "oh theyíre Williamís." And she said "thus henceforward shall they be known, botanically". And of course there is the appropriate entry in the annual rose growing... oh no, because itís not a rose...

BUZZ

NP: Oh you shouldnít stop! Kenneth, keep going, come what may. So Clement Freud, you challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was. Clement you have another point, you have 32 seconds for Sweet Williams starting now.

CF: Although this is a name sometimes given to flowers, I like to think that it is the family living not far from Baker Street at the back of Madam Tussaudís. Because nowhere is there a more saccharine, a sweeter, a lovelier, a kinder...

KW: Oh!

CF: ...a warmer... come on! Challenge!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah, it was a little unfair.

KW: Wasnít hesitation, he was demonstrating, you fool!

NP: No it was a hesitation by Clement Freud, a demonstration by you! I must explain to the listeners thatís really the reason he hesitated because you were acting up so beautifully, so overcome, so coy....

KW: Oh! I was! Youíre right! I was doing my Veronica Lake bit!

NP: But as we have to keep going under very difficult situations in this game. So Clement didnít achieve it, he was challenged for hesitation, I agree Peter. There are 10 seconds, Peter Jones, for you, the subject, Sweet Williams, starting now.

PJ: Across rolling lawns and bushes and small shrubs, I see an English garden full of pot plants and...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went so he gains the extra point, and heís now in second place but Clement Freud is very definitely still in the lead. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, how to win friends. What a good subject in this game, the way they play it! Clement will you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: How to win friends, what a good subject in this game, is especially easy when somebody hesitates, like doesnít say anything for a long time, and you donít challenge them. But there are other ways, like when somebody...

BUZZ

NP: Ah....

CF: ...deviates...

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

CF: ..and you donít...

AM: Repetition.

NP: Of?

AM: Like.

NP: Like, youíre quite right, he did say like more than once. Aimi you have the subject and there are 43 seconds for how to win friends starting now.

AM: It should be very easy really, to win friends...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: For Aimi, it is very easy!

AM: Oh thatís nice of you, thank you Clement.

NP: As Aimi, itís even more nice of him really, because as itís not a correct challenge you get a point for a false challenge as well.

AM: Ohhhhhh!

NP: You get a compliment and a point and 40 seconds for how to win friends starting now.

AM: All you have to do is just be nice to people. You donít be rude or er silly about things...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was. Yes.

AM: I know.

CF: I was enjoying it.

NP: Because she was thinking of the people who are rude sometimes. And there are 32 seconds for you Kenneth Williams having gained the subject and a point of course, 32 seconds, how to win friends, starting now.

KW: The whole expression is of course totally inaccurate. Your friends, as Emerson said, come to you unsought. The good God sends them. And this has proved throughout my life, this has proved to be to be oneís great...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonaldís challenged.

AM: Repetition.

NP: Yes.

AM: To be, to be.

NP: To be, to be.

KW: Well havenít you read your Shakespeare? To be or not to be! That is the question!

NP: You said to be to be. And also you repeated it, it doesnít matter whether itís Shakespeare or not. There are 12 seconds for Aimi, you get another point for how to win friends starting now.

AM: People shouldnít have to win friends...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Repetition of people.

AM: Iíve only said it once.

PJ: Really? I thought you said it once the time you spoke before.

NP: Yes but weíve forgotten that. So Aimi Macdonald has another point and there are nine seconds on how to win friends Aimi...

AM: Oh!

NP: ...starting now.

AM: I donít want to win friends. I would like my friends to come to me...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: If you donít want to win them, why are you discussing the subject of how to win friends?

NP: Because sheís got to keep going on the subject on the card which is how to win friends. So she has another point and five seconds on how ...

KW: Are you taking her out after or something?

NP: You might suggest the way Iím going she might take me out! Ah no, no, it was a quite legitimate... sheís got to keep going even whether...

KW: Iím not suggesting you going out wouldnít be legitimate. Believe me!

NP: Whether she likes the subject on the card, whether she agress with it, she still has to keep going on the subject and it is how to win friends, there are five seconds for you Aimi starting now.

AM: I want to think my friends take me to my bosom because of my lovely way...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Weíre discussing how to win friends, not a lot of physical filth like taking people to bosoms!

NP: Well if I wanted to win Aimiís friendship, I could think of no nicer way of doing it!

KW: Oh!

NP: Ian Messiter nearly swallowed his whistle on that last... Because he had it in his mouth ready to blow it, you see. Not for the... You see he canít laugh and have a whistle in his mouth at the same time, it blows... Because thereís only one second for Aimi to go on with her how to win... how to win friends starting now.

AM: Winning friends...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Aimi Macdonaldís winning ways that appeal to everybody obviously has not only given her an extra point for speaking as the whistle went but also give her a very definite lead at the end of that round.

AM: Youíre joking!

NP: No, Iím not! And the subject is with you Aimi...

AM: Oh dear! Yes?

NP: Itís your turn to begin, itís a complete follow-up from the other one, how to influence people. So can you talk about that subject, donít look at me please! Sixty seconds starting now.

AM: If youíre a girl, it should be very easy really. All you have to do is sit on somebodyís knee, cuddle up to them, bat your eyelashes at them, say very sweetly how nice they are, and Iím sure you will...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís exactly the same if youíre a boy!

NP:Well yes, this is one of those difficult things. I was thinking the same, itís very, itís exactly the same if youíre a boy and she hasnít established whose knee she was sitting on anyway. But...

KW: Ah brilliant! Oh you arenít half clever! Heís clever though innee! Blimey! Thereís no flies on him, eh! Oh that was brilliant, you should have been a barrister! Ooooohh heíd have the Old Bailey rolling, wouldnít he! Incredible, isnít it! Ooooh! Really incredible!

NP: I must explain the last laugh was because Kenneth Williams put his foot up on the desk.

KW: You shouldnít laugh dear! Iíve got a bunion!

NP: Well keep your bunions to yourself when weíre playing a Just A Minute.

KW: All right.

NP: Because actually she was still talking about one way certainly on how to influence people, not the only way. So it was an incorrect challenge and Aimi Macdonald has another point, 47 seconds, how to influence people Aimi starting now.

AM: If I wanted to influence Clement, I would tickle his beard, tweak his ear, and pinch his nose. And then Iím sure he would do practically anything that I wanted him to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you...

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Anything!

NP: You wouldnít do absolutely anything?

CF: Yes! She said practically anything!

NP: Well in that case youíre agreeing with her!

CF: She said anything!

NP: Oh sheís agreeing!

CF: Yes, itís not enough!

NP: I would challenge and say I wouldnít do absolutely anything, therefore it would be deviation.

CF: She said practically anything.

NP: No no, you have agreed with Aimi. Itís therefore, you agree with her, thank you very much...

CF: Iíd like to agree again!

NP: No Iím only going to give her one point, sheís doing so well, she doesnít need your charity, sheís doing it all on her own...

PJ: Will you let her go on? I want to know what happems after sheís tweaked his nose!

NP: Without any assistance...

PJ: Donít pay attention! Just carry on! Give as full a description as you possibly can! Donít feel inhibited in any way!

CF: Or a demonstration!


AM: Oh dear!

NP: Clement Freudís asked for a demonstration and... well there are 32 seconds for you to tell us how to influence people Aimi starting now.

AM: If I wanted to influence Kenneth I would play Just A Minute with him, without buzzing him for anything like hesitation, deviation or repetition. And I would let him ramble on to his heartís content, talking about anything and everything from doing his nut to the King of Siam. And heíd be very very pleased with me...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Repetition of very.

NP: I thought your challenge would be I want her to talk about me now!

PJ: Yes! I thought sheíd get on to me next!

NP: Well thatís a very good way of getting in.

PJ: If you donít hurry up, there wonít be any seconds left!

NP: Aimi Macdonald has another point and sheís now got to talk about Peter Jones on how to influence people starting now.

AM: (laughing) Oh dear! (laughing)

NP: Aimi Macdonald...

PJ: Not a very promising start!

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald, youíve challenged yourself!

AM: Yes I hesitated!

NP: Ah thereís no flies on this one, are there? The longest hesitation weíve ever had on Just A Minute! And theyíre all so chivalrous, Aimi got in and challenged herself. I quite agree Aimi you did hesitate.

AM: I know.

NP: So she gets a point for Peter Jonesí challenge and a point for her own challenge and she has three seconds left, how to influence people starting now.

AM: Itís terribly easy really if you know what you are doing...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Aimi Macdonald seems to know what sheís doing because she gained a tremendous number of points on how to win friends and now on how to influence people. She has 14 points at the end of that round and she now has an impregnable... Iím so sorry, that wasnít a very good choice of adjective, but an impregnable lead over Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones who are both equal in third place. Peter Jones your turn to begin and Ian Messiterís keeping the theme going. How to win... oh no, not quite! How to win at Just A Minute. I knew it follows quite well, how to win at Just A Minute is the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I often dream of this happening to me. And Iíd like to paint first of all the picture of the event as it is happening. On my right is our chairman on a raised platform thoughtfully provided by the BBC. Or as it is known on Just A Minute as the British Broadcasting Corporation. Beside him, Ian Messiter, whistle and clock in hand. And over on the other side of this makeshift platform I can see the faces of Kenneth Williams and aslo the one belonging to Clement Freud. And as they...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged. Why?

AM: Deviation.

NP: Yes, heís not talking about how to win at Just A Minute.

AM: No.

KW: On the contrary, on the contrary...

AM: Heís talking about the set-up.

NP: No you...

PJ: You have to set it up!

KW: You have to set it up before someone can win it, donít you?

NP: But not in 45 seconds!

PJ: No, Iím just about to start to show you how to win!

NP: You didnít start soon enough, you were talking about the set-up or the composition of Just A Minute, not how to win Just A Minute. So I agree with a correct challenge from Aimi Macdonald and there are 19 seconds left Aimi...

KW: Sheís well in with him this week, arenít she! Oh the grandeur of it!

NP: Nineteen seconds, Aimi Macdonald, how to win at Just A Minute, starting now.

AM: I really wish I knew! Unfortunately...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Well if she doesnít know, shut up! Shut up!

NP: Why are you challenging?

KW: Deviation.

NP: No sheís still talking...

AM: Iím talking about winning!

KW: No sheís supposed to be talking about how to win Just A Minute, she said I really wish I knew.

NP: She doesnít know...

KW: She canít discuss it, well then shut up!

NP: No, if she...

KW: Iíll tell her how to do it.

AM: I hadnít started!

KW: Now this is the way you do it. You start off by...

NP: No, when she hesitates you can get in and then you can have her. Until...

KW: I beg your pardon! I beg your...

NP: Sixteen seconds, 16 seconds for you Aimi Macdonald, having got another point, how to win at Just A Minute starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation. Can I have her?

AM: Oooohh!

NP: You said your joke so quickly, we didnít all get it. It was a very good... Give him a point for a very witty er...

KW: Sally.

NP: Sally, yes. But he got in too... Aimi Macdonald has another point for an incorrect challenge, 14 seconds, how to win at Just A Minute starting now.

AM: You come in, you sit down at your little desk, you hold your little buzzer in your hand...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes. There were too many littles.

AM: Really?

NP: Yes.

KW: Little desk and little buzzer.

NP: Little buzzer. Clement Freud you have another point and there are 10 seconds, how to win at Just A Minute starting now.

CF: You look at Aimi Macdonald and you say "I will do it! Iíve got to! I must! No-one will stop me!"

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, he gained a couple of extra points, but heís still quite a way behind our leader who is still Aimi Macdonald. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, the subject is balderdash. You were accused of speaking a certain amount of that last week but can you talk to us on the subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I should have liked to have had notice of this. Because it is something which is really alien to my nature. I generally talk eminently good sense. People have said to me "ooooohh what an intellect youíve got!" And hardly likely would it be...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Well that was hesiattion, wasnít it?

NP: I thought it was too, yes.

PJ: Either that or an impediment, I donít know.


NP: So as no-one... I will put it to the audience...

KW: No, donít put it to them.

NP: All right then, Aimi Macdonald has another point and there are 39 seconds for balderdash Aimi starting now.

AM: Balderdash is such a gorgeous word. Itís very round and it means so much. And yet it can mean absolutely nothing at all...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Two mean.

NP: Yes.

KW: It means so much and it can mean absolutely nothing at all.

NP: Yes. Youíre quite right.

AM: I do repeat myself.

NP: You look very self-righteous about your challenge. Kenneth I agree with your challenge, you have another point and 31 seconds on balderdash starting now.

KW: It generally is taken to mean talking nonsense about something or another. And of course there are those people in this world who thrive on this kind of thing. I mean Sheila Hancock undoubtedly believes this is indulged in by politicians continually. And of course if one reads Hansard...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes there was more than one of course. I thought you were going to have him for haha or something. Clement you have another point, it was a rather tough challenge, nine seconds, balderdash, starting now.

CF: When Mr Dash lost his hair, many people said "oh there goes Balder Dash!" Prior to this...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point but heís still a little way behind our leader Aimi Macdonald. Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones are now equal quite a way behind in third place. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, the horse. Can you talk to us about the horse for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: A poet whose name escapes me said "I know two things about a horse, and one of them is rather coarse." There are other makers of verse who has used this quadruped, this equine thing with four legs, to symbolise all that is best in this country. My horse... our horse... my kingdom for the horse. If you said...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

AM: Horse, horse, my kingdom...

KW: Youíre allowed to! Itís the subject, you silly...

NP: All right, youíre allowed to repeat the subject on the card.

AM: Are you? All right.

NP: And the subject is the horse.

AM: Sorry.

NP: No donít apologise...

KW: For goodness sake! Get with it girl!

NP: Listen, you...

AM: Take your ice poultice off! Hahahahahahaha!

NP: Sheís so with it sheís got 18 points and nobodyís had that number of points for ages!

KW: No! We all know how sheís got them dear! Yes! We all know about the rendezvous afterwards! Oh yes!

NP: Theyíre all lovely points!

KW: Youíll have white wine! Oh!

NP: Go on!

KW: Oh all that rainbow trout in a white wine sauce! All that chic she was giving him!

NP: What was the challenge? Yes Aimi? Donít apologise...

AM: Indeed...

NP: Donít apologise for challenging, we just must explain to you, youíre allowed to repeat the word on the card and Clement was doing that. He has 33 seconds for the horse starting now.

CF: It was a horse that brought the good news from X to Gent, I sprang to the stirrups and Jorrocks, did he...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: I thought it was brought from Gaunt to X.

NP: I think it was, wasnít it?

KW: No, no, it was not, no, A to Gent.

CF: And a horse brought it back so itís entirely relevant!

NP: Well there seems to be some divergence of opinion...

KW: Thereís no common... thereís no divergence of opinion! The facts are the facts dear! The horse brought the good news from A to Gent!

NP: Clement Freud I think your direction was the more favoured one and so um, as um, you have the subject, you have gained a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 27 seconds, the horse, starting now.

CF: He sprang to the stirrups, and Jorrocks did he, I galloped, he more than cantered. The other man did much... much less than...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Repetition, much much.

NP: There was too much much, yes. And Aimi you have a point and there are 20 seconds, the horse, starting now.

AM: The horse I think is the most beautiful animal there is. With its lovely long slim legs and beautiful shiny...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of beautiful.

NP: Yes yes. And of course some of them have very thick legs too, donít they, the old carthorses. But your correct challenge Clement, you take the subject back and a point, the horse, starting now.

CF: Horse racing in this country which involves the horse is one of the great industries giving employment to a vast number of people. Not only in the fields of book-making, betting...

WHISTLE

NP: Well there we are! It was neck and neck as you felt the tension like we did up here on the platform at the end because there were two people in that particular game. I haven;t told you by the way that we have no more time for this edition of Just A Minute. Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones in spite of saying a good deal werenít really in the contest point-wise. They had just a few little points between them equal in third place. And literally Aimi Macdonald and Clement Freud, neck and neck throughout, all legitimately won...

KW: Necking! Heís right too!

NP: They both together are equal winner, our joint winner Aimi Macdonald and Clement Freud! I feel that Clement slowly whittled down Aimiís lead and Aimi being not quite so experienced didnít quite get back enough to win. It was a very very fine result and a very fair one. And we do hope that youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.