JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 January 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four contestants to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is written on the card. And according to how well they do this they will gain points or their opponents will. And we will begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Cooking an octopus. Thatís the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of for you, will you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Actually the best parts of an octopus are the legs. And in cooking an octopus...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?

PETER JONES: Octopus doesnít have legs.

NP: What does it have?

PJ: Tentacles.

NP: Well done Peter. So right away Peter youíve got in with a very sharp challenge, I agree. You have 54 seconds, because you had a correct challenge and you gained a point, cooking octopus starting now.

PJ: Of course there are many types of octopus, and you cook them all in quite...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged, why?

ANDREE MELLY: If theyíre types, theyíre octopi!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh brilliant! Oh yes the plural. Sheís absolutely right. Brilliant. Oh clever.

NP: Well of course that is grammatically correct but you do have this problem when youíre trying to speak on Just A Minute with three people waiting to challenge you. Whether you use a sort of colloquial phrase that a lot of people...

PJ: Well I disagree. You donít necessarily make it into a plural when you say types. You donít say there are a lot of types of Mellies. You say there are many types of Melly.

NP: Yes I agree, but she has a grammatical point...

KW: If you did, youíd get mixed up with a melee in a football match. I mean they say melee, donít they?

NP: Well Iíll tell you what Iíll do. As I agree that you must speak colloquially to keep going and grammatically you might have been considered to be in error, I will ask the audience to be the final judge on this rather difficult situation. If you agree with Andreeís challenge would you cheer her and if you disagree will you boo her and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Octopusses have the day! Peter you gain another point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, and you have 47 seconds, cooking an octopus starting now.

PJ: The large old ones for instance have to be bashed about a lot in order to make them tender and in fact edible. But the smaller variety if they are dried in the sun, on a rock for instance, rather like a raisin. Iíve often seen this in Cyprus and in parts of Greece, they do this. Then they slice the tentacles very tenderly like bacon, fry them in olive oil with a little garlic or some other kind of herb or flavouring. And serve them with a salad of lettuce and olives and anchovies, possibly tomatoes. On the other hand if you prefer a more solid dish with potatoes and spaghetti or even a...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly got in just before the whistle went. Why have you challenged?

AM: Heís trying to do Clement Freud out of a job! And I donít think itís fair!

NP: Heís done Clement Freud out of a job! It was Clementís subject, specially chosen for him. Why did you challenge then?

AM: Well...

NP: Hesitation, repetition or...

AM: Because heís an old friend of mine. I donít like to see it happen.

NP: Clement you have support...

PJ: I should wait until you taste the octopus!

NP: So you think itís deviation, do you?

AM: Yes.

NP: I disagree, Iím afraid. So Peter Jones has got another point... Peterís got a friend in the audience, they clapped! And thereís one second on cooking an octopus Peter starting now.

PJ: Open a flat loaf...

WHISTLE

NP: So the subject of an octopus which was chosen for Clement Freud, Peter Jones gave us a very interesting dissertation on how to cook it. At the end of that round, the first round, only one person has scored any points, itís Peter Jones, he has a commanding lead of four over all the others. Andree... Peter you have more than one friend in the audience! Andree Melly...

KW: My mouth was watering! You made it sound so succulent!

NP: Yes I must say! I almost want to go over there in that lovely holiday atmosphere!

KW: Mmmm Iím basking in it!

NP: Andree Melly your turn to begin the next round, the subject bills. Can you talk to us about that, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Billís my oldest brother. Heís three years older than I am, and heís married. Heís got three children called Louisa, James, Richard. A charming wife with a lovely house. In fact you could say Billís got just about everything that makes a man happy today in this world in which we live. There are another kind...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged, why?

PJ: I think there was a suggestion of hesitation there.

NP: Well do you want to say hesitation or not?

PJ: Yes.

NP: All right.

PJ: Iím just trying to be polite, you know.

NP: Right you were being polite, but I agree, there was a definite hesitation. Peter I agree with the challenge, you get the subject and you get a point of course. Thirty-nine seconds on bills starting now.

PJ: They arrive at the same season of the year, time after time in January...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes, time after time. Youíve got to watch these phrases, you know. And Clement you gain a point for a correct challenge, 34 seconds on bills starting now.

CF: The great reform bill and that which I receive every Friday from my milkman are just two which I can very easily do without. The police in Adelaide, sometimes pronounced otherwise by Australians, by I can never get the hang of it, no longer send out accounts in respect of parking fines, but give you an immediate...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?

KW: Deviation, heís discussing accounts and the police in Australia, weíre talking about bills. Bills is the subject, not accounts.

NP: I think he had a...

KW: Accounts are quite other than bills.

NP: I think he had established that heíd gone on to accounts rather than bills and...

KW: So thatís deviation.

NP: Yes so you gain a point and the subject, nine seconds on bills Kenneth starting now.

KW: Thereís only one thing to do about bills. And that is pay them! And anyone who has the temerity...

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went which tells us of course that 60 seconds are up. He gained the extra point and heís in second place trailing a little behind Peter Jones. And Peter itís your turn to begin and the subject is tourists. Can you talk to us about them for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Nobody really likes to think that they are tourists...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Completely inaccurate! I love being a tourist! I go looking all over the place!

CF: He does! He does!

KW: I just love it!

NP: Yes...

KW: The whole statementís inaccurate. Therefore itís deviation.

NP: Well you see...

CF: Well argued!

KW: Thank you! Thank you Clem! Oh isnít he lovely!

NP: Itís very well argued...

PJ: Just because I happen to be in the lead for the first time in 16 weeks, theyíre getting together!

NP: You can be sure of one thing Peter. If anybody gets in the lead, they get together!

PJ: Exactly!

NP: But at the present moment I think itís a matter of argument. It was well argued by Kenneth Williams but I disagree with his argument. Because I think if youíre going to discuss the subject of tourists, you can put forward a point of view which is Peter Jonesís on this occasion about tourists. He keeps the subject, 55 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Theyíre not popular even with travel agents. You often hear them referred to as hordes. Now this is not a friendly way of describing visitors to oneís country who are bringing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged again.

KW: Deviation, travel agents adore tourists. I mean, this is rubbish! Heís talking a load of rubbish! And moreover heís giving a very very bad stigma to the whole thing. Now we as a country...

NP: All right Kenneth...

KW: ...should be welcoming these lovely people who come in and bring us in...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ...exports... imports....

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ...invisible imports, they are!

NP: Kenneth! Before your teeth fall out... I would say on this occasion I think your good argument convinces me and I will give the benefit of the doubt to you because I do think travel agents do like tourists...

KW: Of course they do!

NP: How else would they exist?

KW: Lovely!

NP: Kenneth you have a point and you have the subject of tourists and there are 44 seconds left starting now.

KW: Englishmen used to be in the 19th century the greatest tourists in the world. In fact everyone used to say the grand tour had to be done. And Ruskin in his famous Stones of Venice recounts this delightful adventure in the open varouche with this friend with the chinchilla muff, sitting beside him...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged.

AM: Well itís very interesting, but heís talking about a tour now, not about tourists.

NP: But tourists make tours. I thought you were going to be very clever and have him on the chinchilla. Oh no, that was chinchilla, sorry. No, no, no, I disagree with her challenge because tourists have to make tours Kenneth, you have the subject still, another point and 19 seconds starting now.

KW: When I went up the Parthenon, I couldnít believe! The sweat was rolling off, and so I paused at this charming taviervne and they gave me a great flagon of Rexena, a lovely bit of fried mullet, then a bit of steak...

WHISTLE

KW: Oooooh! Iíve won now!

NP: Kenneth you had us throbbing then with your adventures...

KW: I must be in the lead now!

NP: No. Youíve done very well, youíve made...

KW: Well how far have I got?

NP: Youíve got quite far enough! Youíre just one point behind our leader who is still Peter Jones.

KW: Oh!

NP: But you did leap forward, I must say. Kenneth itís your turn to begin, perhaps youíve got another chance here. What I do when nobody is looking. Thatís a very good subject of Ianís for you, because weíve heard some very funny stories about what you do on this programme when nobodyís looking. But can you talk to us about the subject for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: What I do, when nobody is looking, is roughly the same thing that everybody else does. And that is indulge their private fantasy. A psychopathic creature is described as someone who does this when a symbol of authority is removed, be it mother, father, policeman or whatever. In this case I qualify for the term because I must be some kind of manic exhibitionist privately. In the bathroom the fancies I form and the voices I do are fantasia. Iíve often shocked myself! And thought "oh how can you?" I mean really! In the privacy of a tiny room like this, indulge in such extraordinary flights. Yet never do I tire. Always...

WHISTLE

KW: I must be in the lead!

NP: Well Kenneth Williams...

KW: I must be in the lead now!

NP: All right, youíre in the lead! Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject for you Clement, profity. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I once knew a man who lectured on accountancy at a catering college. And every day he would turn up punctually at 9.30, sit at his desk, pull out a pen, and get working on the profity loss acounts which were in the left-hand drawer of his large mahogany desk. Profity, profity, loss, he used to say, not wishing to repeat the last word as it was not on the card and therefore more profity which made it all right. And yet there are some who felt that perfidy was more...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! With justification! Kenneth I agree with your hesitation and there are 21 seconds for profity starting now.

KW: Profity of course means to be on the side..

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well profity of course doesnít mean anything!

NP: Of course. Clement Freud you have...

KW: I hadnít gone on to describe! I could have said means nonsense, couldnít I! I hadnít been given a chance! I was sitting here, minding my own business and that Freud and him, they leapt on me, like a load of hungry wolves! Ravenous!

NP: Well I think that Clement thought if he didnít leap then, somebody else might.

KW: Well he talked a load of rubbish! You know it!

NP: I know, but you never challenged him for his rubbish, did you? You challenged him for hesitation which was justified.

KW: I was going to say what I thought the word meant. I thought it was rather nice! But Iím not going to now! So stick it!

NP: Well Iím glad you told us what you were going to say, what you thought it was, because youíve admitted now that Clement Freudís challenge was entirely justified. So Clement you have a point and there are 18 seconds for profity starting now.

CF: Incontentiousness is nothing to do with the word as well...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Heís just, deviation, heís just said it was a word having formerly admitted that itís not a word.

NP: Of course, and incontentiousness has got nothing to do with profity. Because profity is not correct. So Kenneth youíve got the subject back of profity, can you talk to us about it now for 12 seconds starting now.

KW: When and I was but a little tiny boy with heigh ho...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

KW: ...the wind and rain, and (gibberish) every day...

NP: Clement Freudís challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of heigh. Heigh heigh the wind rain.

NP: Oh yes he did say that. What a pity.

KW: I didnít, I said heigh ho which created a sound...

CF: Not very clearly!

KW: Shut your mouth! How dare you!

CF: (vaguely in Kenneth Williams style) You didnít speak very clearly!

KW: Oh heís doing impersonations! You see that! You see that!

NP: Well it is difficult sometimes Kenneth. I mean you do get carried away with your own exuberance.

KW: Itís a festive account! You talk nonsense and thatís what the wordís abour!

NP: I know!

KW: Itís all nonsense, innit!

NP: (shouting over Kenneth Williams) BUT ITíS SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND YOU KENNETH!

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: Right! And you have the subject still of profity and there are eight seconds starting now.

KW: All words can be coined! And Mister Herpin who did a filo to love and Ophelia (full-speed Kenneth gibberish)

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams very cleverly kept going on a word which if you havenít already guessed it actually does mean nothing at all. It doesnít mean nothing at all, it is not a true word. And so by keeping going and speaking when the whistle went, gained that extra point. He has really leapt forward into a commanding lead at the end of that round...

KW: So there you are Peter Jones!

NP: Why you should say that to Peter Jones when you were in rivalry with Clement Freud...

KW: Because he was so smug when he was four in the lead! He was so smug! Sitting there like a cat with the cream! Wasnít he Clem?

NP: He had a reason to be, he hasnít played the game as often as you have Kenneth!

KW: (crying) Iíve not won in this series, you know! Oh woe woe!

NP: The series is still young!

KW: (through full on tears) Oh! Iím treated like an idiot! Youíre rotten to me!

NP: Andree Melly after all that, we come to you, your turn to begin. The subject, how I apply my mascara. Will you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Well I spit on it! I do find this is the best method. Itís a little box and I have a small brush which I dip in the... so-mentioned saliva and apply to the upper lashes of my eyes. There is a different kind of mascara brush which is like a miniature lavatory brush...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Repetition, two brushes.

NP: Three brushes actually! So Kenneth, a correct challenge, you gain the subject and there are 40... 42 seconds.... The Audience are enjoying the thought and you seem quite full of equanimity about it! How I apply my mascara Kenneth, 42 seconds, starting now.

KW: Well it was my mascara, that much is certain. And it was in a film studio that it was applied. But it was done by a charming young lady who, I am thankful to say, did not spit as was mentioned previous, into anything! But, on the contrary, moistened the brush from fresh tap water, and with loving care, applied...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: "Ere! Whoís got the nerve?

NP: Peter Jones has got the nerve!

PJ: Deviation, heís telling about the young lady who applied his mascara. He should be talking about how he applied his mascara.

NP: Youíre quite right, the subject is how I applied my mascara and you were talking about how the young lady applied your mascara. So that is a correct challenge, and Peter has a point and there are 15 seconds for you Peter on how I apply my mascara starting now.

PJ: Listeners may not be aware that I am prematurely grey. And when I play a part which requires my hair to be black, I have to apply mascara. And to do this I use two...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point. And if I can be forgiven for using the phrase which I used rather a lot last week, heís now creeping up on Kenneth Williams, but Kenneth is still in the lead. And Kenneth your turn to begin. Rodomontade. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well Lily I suppose would be considered the past master of this art. The art of...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged first.

AM: Two arts.

NP: Two arts yes, I agree with Andreeís challenge, she has 49 seconds starting now.

AM: I believe this means to talk and rant on alarming, on any subject which you like. Humpty Dumpty in Through The Looking Glass was an expert...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Not quite...

KW: In er Through, in er Through The Looking Glass.

NP: yes, almost but not quite Kenneth...

KW: In er Through The Looking Glass!

NP: She was teetering on the edge of hesitation. she didnít quite achieve it...

PJ: It was Humpty Dumpty who was doing that surely!

NP: He was also doing it. I disagree with Kennethís challenge, he can afford to be generous. He is well in the lead. Forty seconds for you Andree still with rodomontade starting now.

AM: Goliath, there was an exponent if you like. Booming...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree this time, yes, she... her boom didnít come out quick enough...

KW: Oh!

NP: Thirty-six seconds for rodomontade with you Clement starting now.

CF: In the country lanes of Sligo, you will find on a Saturday afternoon Rod O Montard, one of the broths boys... chirping...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged.

KW: I mean, obvious hesitation.

NP: Yes it was hesitation. Having thought of that wonderful thing about Rod O Montard, everybody paused to think about it, including Clement Freud. And so he hesitated and Kenneth you have another point and 24 seconds, rodomontade starting now.

KW: We shall light a beacon in Europe! Which could be described as a fine piece of rodomontade in so far as he had only a candle at the time he said it! But what a beautiful sound rodomontade very often has, Euphuistic, euphonomous, or onomatopoeic...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth you were speaking when the whistle went, you gained more points, youíve increased your lead and you very nearly gave me an impossible decision to make because I thought they might challenge you on the euphemistic and you might have been challenged for repetition of eu! But it was part of a word...

KW: No youíre wrong dear. I never said euphumistic, I said euphuistic, two different words.

NP: It doesnít matter, you paused after the eu and you might well have been challenged for it. It would have been an impossible decision to make which I often have to...

KW: Iíve got the feeling youíre getting awfully bolshie!

NP: Iím just pointing out the pitfalls that occur so that you wonít repeat them because I canít make decisions about them. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is geezers. Can you talk to us about them, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Geezers is a colloquial word meaning chaps, people, masculine humanity. The sort that comes out with a cap askew, a mackintosh open, who do not necessarily reveal themselves but dress in a fairly unappetising manner. So that you might say "mmmm..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Deviation, this is completely untrue. I donít dress like that and the taxi driver said to me "are you the geezer on the telly?"

NP: Yes, I think you can call anybody a geezer, not just the type that Clement Freud is describing.

KW: Heís making it sound all sort of disreputable, isnít he?

NP: Well heís making the geezer apply to only one type of individual which he very clearly drew for us. So Kenneth I agree with your challenge...

KW: Thank you very much!

NP: ...you get another point, 41 seconds starting now.

KW: These are the things that spout out of the ground in New Zealand. And when I was over there, I said to this girl "oooohh what is all that hot liquid that appears to be projecting itself into the air?" She said "well itís sulfurous you see. And if you baste yourself in that actual fluid, you will find all your aches and all your...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of?

CF: All your, all your.

NP: All your, all your, yes, yes. Well I have to know Clement, to see if you spotted it correctly. So you gain a point for a correct challenge and 19 seconds on geysers Clement Freud starting now.

CF: One of the most interesting things about is our bathroom is that when you turn on the cold water tap, hot aqueous matter runs out of it. And this would appear...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?

PJ: I donít think you can call it aqueous!

KW: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

PJ: You can say liquid if you like.

NP: I do think that very few people refer to it as hot aqueous matter. But on the other hand if youíve already used the word water and youíre playing Just A Minute, and on the spur of the moment you have to think of another phrase...

PJ: Well you just say it!

NP: And...

PJ: Or liquid or something!

CF: You do. I didnít, I said hot aquas matter.

NP: I think at the spur of the moment it was quite a clever way of keeping going without hesitation or repetition. So to be perfectly fair we must leave it with Clement Freud who has another point, eight seconds, geysers Clement starting now.

CF: And the plumber who was called said "itís the geyser". I said "only one?" and he replied "no..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: The plumber who called said and I said.

NP: Yes thatís right, there were two saids. So Kenneth you have yet another point, it is the last round...

CF: I said it quite differently!

KW: You said it quite differently. And you said it beautifully. You said it profoundly, you said it interestingly, but you said it. All right Kenneth you have two points on geysers starting now.

KW: The gashole corroded, the geyser exploded and blew her smack into the loo! Haha!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. As I said a moment ago, Iím afraid we have no more time for any more, that was the last round. So I will give you the score at the end of that round. Andree Melly was in fourth place, a little way behind Clement Freud who was two points behind Peter Jones who was no less than nine points behind the fellow who earlier on said (crybaby voice) I havenít won at all in this series! (normal voice) But he today has won comfortably, amply, nobly and generously, this weekís winner, Kenneth Williams! Kenneth has been so overcome by his success that he has slipped underneath the desk with embarrassment. Thank you very much for listening to this particular programme of Just A Minute. We do hope that you enjoyed it. And from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.