JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 March 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you and welcome once again to Just A Minute. The game in which verbal dexterity is only exceeded by verbal ingenuity. And itís my pleasure to welcome these four gay exponents of the game. And ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do it, they will gain points or their opponents will. And if thereís anything that sounds a bit different, itís because my voice has gone down three octaves due to a cold. Letís start with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the question for you to start with is my socks. Weíve often seen them on show in this programme. But will you now please talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: It is opportune that the subject has been, so to speak, handed to me on a plate. Because I happen today to be wearing two pairs of socks. One composed of nylon and the other, my haberdasher assures me, a mixture of aulon and pure wool for which the advertisements tell us there is no reliable substitute. And I believe that. Thermal heat generated by this substance has no equal in any part of the world. English of course...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PETER JONES: Repetition of equal. He said there was no equal and he also said they were made of equal parts of nylon and wool...

NP: Yes he did indeed, thatís very clever yes. I must say that when he started off and was saying about his socks being on a plate, I thought that was very devious. But he still kept going for 40 seconds. Peter I agree with your challenge and so as itís a correct one, you gain a point and you take the subject of my socks, 19 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Mine are all dark blue. I have, I suppose, upwards of a dozen pairs. But they arenít very often worn together because I favour...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: If theyíre all dark blue, theyíve got to be worn together!

NP: Yes thereís a subtle difference there. He probably puts them in the drawers in pairs and says Iíll take one from there and one from that part. But I think logically your challenge is correct Clement so I award a point to you and the subject and there are nine seconds left starting now.

CF: On the outskirts of the city of Mysaw thereís a village called Mysox in which Indian washerwomen...

WHISTLE

BUZZ

NP: Um did Kennethís challenge come before the whistle?

IAN MESSITER: No.

NP: It didnít.

IM: Just after.

NP: It came a fraction too late Kenneth, your challenge. So Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went and whoever speaks when the whistle goes, that tells us by the way that 60 seconds are up, gains an extra point. It was on this occasion Clement Freud. So he has two at the end of that round, Peter has one, Andree Melly and Kenneth have yet to score. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject is puns, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Not really my favourite kind of humour. I always feel that they are substitutes for wit and jokes. If you canít be funny, be punny, one might say. There are a number of very well-known ones. Thereís a joke going round...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Yes, he said joke twice.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did, you repeated the word joke. Two people challenged, the one who presses first eliminates the other two, it was Kenneth Williams. Another point to you Kenneth, not another point, your first point Kenneth. And you have 43 seconds for puns starting now.

KW: Charles Lamb, the great essayist, quotes one of the most beautiful examples when he says that an under-graduate approaching a gamekeeper said of the rabbit in his hands "is that your own hare or is it a wig?" Now that I think is a very fine example of this. Disagreeing with my colleague there, I think they can be very witty indeed. And I have made several puns, and been commended. Mr Ree, the brother of Sigmund, was approached at a Unesco conference by a lady who said...

BUZZ

KW: ... "ah Mister Ree of life, now Iíve found you!"

NP: Well Kenneth...

KW: I hope they heard that because he blew the whistle right in the middle of my joke! He ought to have more sense, that feller!

NP: For the sake of this audience...

KW: A whistle going off like that in the middle of your joke! Iíve heard of letting off steam but there are certain occasions when you feel that...

NP: Yeah I know, Ian Messiter once nearly swallowed his whistle in the middle of...

KW: Oh Iím sorry!

NP: Do you want to finish the joke for the sake of the audience?

KW: No I think, no, I wonít bother.

NP: All right then. Anyway Kenneth Williams was speaking on puns when the whistle went, he gained the extra point for that. And at the end of that round he is in a commanding lead, alongside Clement Freud and one ahead of the others.

KW: Oh!

NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject is quail. Can you tell us something about it in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Quail is a small game bird. Delicate to eat and much prized gastronomically. They were caught, all quails, prep...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged first.

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you got in first with the hesitation...

CF: My teeth!

NP: ...and you gain a point Andree and weíre going to hear from you for the first time. Forty-seven seconds to go starting now.

AM: Theyíre caught in rather nasty little traps and kept in special...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Theyíre not caught in traps.

NP: Well I would have thought...

CF: They are caught in nets.

NP: Yes, birds are rather difficult. I think thatís a correct challenge Clement, you have a point and you have 42 seconds on quail starting now.

CF: There are parts of the world in which animals lie on their backs attempting to trip up quails. But this was so sensationally unsuccessful. There are now many quail farms in this country where they are reared in captivity. And unfortunately the taste of the, as it were, factory bird is very inferior to those which were wild, caught in nets, which I havenít said before, only I used the word in a challenge on Andree Mellyís absurd...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Deviation, heís talking about challenging me and not about quail.

NP: Yes I quite agree Andree, very good challenge. Heís left the subject of quails and got on to challenging you. So you get the subject back and there are 12 seconds for you on quails starting now.

AM: Theyíre kept in these special cages for six and half weeks...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: She already said they were kept and there, sheís saying theyíre kept again. So in the same round she said kept twice so itís sheer repetition.

NP: I agree Kenneth. Donít say it as if you think Iím never going to agree with you. Itís all right. Nine seconds for you on quails Kenneth starting now.

KW: There is another kind of quail and that is when people are appalled at something and you say "they visibly quailed as they heard this appalling outburst", you see...

WHISTLE

KW: Iíve won! Iím in the lead!

NP: Once again Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went which gives him in, a bigger lead. He has now four points. And Andree Melly it is your turn to begin, the subject is the greatest invention of our age.

LOUD SNEEZE IN THE AUDIENCE

NP: That timing in the audience was worthy of a professional, madam! Can you do it every time I give them the subject? Andree youíve now had a moment to think and would you tell us what you think is the greatest invention of our age in 60 seconds starting now.

AM: In this scientific age in which we live, it is extremely difficult to select the greatest invention. Is it perhaps penicillin which has saved so many countless lives? Or the pill which through stopping over-population may mean that we can survive after all? No, I think... basically...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes she began to think and she hesitated. So Clement you have a point, correct challenge, 42 seconds, the pill... oh no, no... the greatest invention of our age starting now.

CF: Before one can assess the greatest invention of our age, you have to be fairly careful to work out how many years you have been on this world. Otherwise you might choose the wheel, a very great invention, which of course...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation, heís talking about the wheel which is, he admits, belonging to another age.

NP: Yes but he said depending on how many years youíve been here you...

PJ: Well I know, he canít have been here that long!

CF: Feels like it!

NP: The greatest invention of our age, I do think Peter, does refer to oneís age. No, but In know what Clement Freud means. One talks about an age stretching back hundreds of years...

PJ: Oh I know what he means!

NP: Peter I think...

PJ: Heís quite articulate. But he is deviating.

NP: No I think Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because weíre trying, I think, to talk about our recent age. You have the subject with 30, 27 seconds left, the greatest invention of our age starting now.

PJ: I think itís probably the radio. Invented by an Italian and enabling us all to listen...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: No it isnít possibly the radio. Heís just sucking up because he wants to keep his job! And we canít have that sort of sycophantic behaviour! Now itís deviation, itís not true, itís not the greatest invention.

NP: Peter Jones has another point and... I want to keep my job as well! Nineteen seconds left for the greatest invention of our age starting now.

PJ: Enabling us all to listen on Christmas Day in crofterís cottages and ships at sea, lighthouses...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís not possible for all of us to get into crofterís cottages!

PJ: Iím going on to list other places.

CF: No, you said enabling us all!

PJ: To listen in crofterís cottages and in ships...

CF: Well that is deviation!

PJ: ...at sea and in lighthouses, skyscrapers and...

NP: Of course Clement it is perfectly possible to say that it does enable us all to listen in crofterís cottages. Peter did not say that we were all going to be in a crofterís cottage to listen!

CF: Oh thatís what it sounded like!

NP: So it would enable us if we all had crofterís cottages to listen. So Peter you have another point and you have 12 seconds for the greatest invention of our age starting now.

PJ: Ships at sea, skyscrapers and lighthouses...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: No...

CF: Heís got an awful long way away from radios which were his...

KW: No, heís saying the radios reach skyscrapesr and lighthouses. Itís perfectly reasonable.

CF: A long time, a long time ago!

PJ: Iíve been mentioning these places before...

KW: I thought it was lovely! He was doing marvelous!

PJ: Iíve got to mention these other places because he said we canít all get into the crofterís cottages! Itís his fault!

NP: I think the fact that he was interrupted so often he was...

PJ: Quite!

NP: ..trying to pick up where he broke off before. So...

PJ: Itís very difficult to go on!

NP: I know it is!

PJ: I know! I just got in my stride, which is not easy to do!

NP: Youíve got six seconds...

PJ: Six seconds! Yes!

NP: ...youíve had the benefit of the doubt more than once, youíve got a lot of points and you have the subject still starting now.

PJ: Much better than television...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Hesitation, he didnít start!

NP: No! Absolutely rotten! Six seconds Peter starting now.

PJ: Much better than television because you canít see the people which often gives you quite an erroneous idea...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, he did most of the speaking in that round so he gained the extra point and you will not surprised that he has doub... no, heís octopied... is that the right word? Multiplied by eight the number of points he had in that round. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin. How I affect others. The audience are very amused by the thought so will you like to tell us how you affect others in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Like most people in the world, in various ways. Some fall about and think it all too utterly delicious! And others write offensive letters. Like "why donít you shut your great mouth and learn how to be good mannered on the programme?" I have that sort of thing come in. Most of them, I am here to say, are cowardly enough to put no address on the top of the letter. Otherwise...

BUZZ

NP: Clement...

KW: ...theyíd get a right stinker from me, I can tell...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of letter.

NP: Iím afraid you did say letter before.

KW: Well... oh yes! Well!

NP: As you were talking about letters, it was difficult not to. You should have gone to epistle or missive or something else. Clement you have the subject, 27 seconds starting now.

CF: Unliek Kenneth Williamsí correspondence, the epistles that I receive are all in the same vein. What is so pleasing is that everybody dislikes me. I donít...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think he waited for a round of applause. You got the applause now Cler, Clement. Iím sure they donít, but Iím afraid you did pause....

CF: Yes yes.

NP: ..at the thought of how much they all disliked you. So Peter Jones has a point and there are 13 and a half seconds on how I affect others Peter starting now.

PJ: Well of course I donít know very much about this. Because the majority of people keep it a secret and try not to reveal their true feelings...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he knows a lot about it! Heís got bags of fan mail come in so heís got masses of reaction to go by! Itís all lies to say he doesnít know about it!

NP: No, no...

KW: Absolute lies! I know! I know all about it! Yes! Thank you! Yes!

NP: Iím gald I allowed you to go on because once you said it was all lies I know now that your challenge was wrong. Because it canít be lies, there must be many many people Peter Jones has no idea how he affects them.

KW: Exactly! Eh...?

NP: Peter you have another point and four seconds on how I affect others starting now.

PJ: Out of the 50 million people in this country, more people donít write than do...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No, no, Andree Melly challenged before the whistle.

IM: Half a second left.

NP: Yes she got in before the whistle.

AM: Two peoples.

NP: Yes there were two peoples, you challenged very well Andree. You have half a second on this subject starting now.

AM: Sweetness and light!

WHISTLE

NP: Andree Melly was almost speaking as the whistle went. She gets a point for that all the same. And Andree Melly, Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams are all just about equal in second place. Peter Jones is still very definitely in the lead and Peter your turn to begin. Questions I never ask. Can you tell us about some of them starting now.

PJ: Have you stopped beating your wife? And is your husband coming back before midnight? In which case would you like to come and have dinner with me tonight? Can you think of a restaurant which is cheaper than the one we went to last time? These are some of the questions which I wouldnít dream of asking. Because I feel the answer might easily land me in worse trouble than I am already. Other people may be of the opinion that of they could be persuaded to make, er, hazard a guess..

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Devi, ah, hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was just a hesitation there Peter. Clement I agree, you have the subject, you have 26 seconds, questions I never ask, starting now.

CF: Does your mother take in washing? Has she sold her house? Whatís become of the old piano your sister used to strangle? Has your father plenty of work? Does he still get boozed too?

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged.

AM: Two doeses and I think two hases.

NP: Two doeses, two hases, yes. I think...

PJ: Only one does.

NP: Was there only one does?

CF: Yes.

NP: Iíll put it to the audience. You are the final judges. Would you agree with Andreeís challenge on does and has, which are small words. If you agree with Andree cheer, if you think sheís wrong, boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: Arenít they horrible.

NP: Somebody waved! I think the woman who waved was right! Itís about equal wouldnít you say.

IM: Just about equal.

NP: Just about equal. Doeses, hases are finished, no points, no, er, nothing awarded, Clement Freud keeps the subject, 14 seconds, questions I never ask, starting now.

CF: If you were to drive a 31 bus down Piccadilly, would you exact fares from a boy scout who got on at Oxford Circus? This is a question I never ask anyone because frankly Iíve never travelled on that...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, got the extra point and I must say to Ian Messiter who thought of the game that I think his subjects are now getting more devious! Right the next subject is for Clement Freud to begin with. Why Iím seldom wrong, Clement, is the subject. You have 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The only possible answer to the question why I am seldom wrong is got to be because I am invariably right. And the reason for this is the wealth of knowledge I have acquired in what could be called a long life. If you ask me to explain Pythagoras, I would do so readily. Anyone who wishes information about differential caluculus has only to come to me. Why am I seldom wrong? Here you have it. Education, erudition, intellect and a brain power second only to Kenneth Williams who is about to buzz but will now I hope refrain from being so beastly as to interrupt this flow of rhetoric which I have worked upon...

WHISTLE

NP: Well he did work very very hard. He deserved that round of applause and the extra point for speaking as the whistle went and um I think everybody was straining for him to finish and nobody wanted to challenge!

CF: Me too!

NP: Well done Clement. The subject is now for you Andree and it is... oh Iíll just let you know by the way, as a result of Clement Freudís flow of rhetoric he has now gone into the lead alongside Peter Jones at the end of that round. Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams are about half way behind, together equal in second place. And Andree it is your turn to begin, the subject is jesters and would you talk to us about them for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: These were to be found about in the courts long ago. They wore motley which was a kind of coloured suit, and bells on their hats. And carried a small stick with a face at the top of it. They were supposed to be funny and were kept housed and fed if they were. If they werenít when asked to be, then some, sun... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, dry up, pack up. There are 35 seconds for jesters Clement starting now.

CF: Historically these were very much the sort of people described by Ms Melly. But nowadays any comedian, almost anyone appearing on television in a programme said to be of a nature... close to comedy...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: I think so.

CF: Yes.

NP: Indeed.

CF: The same hesitation, I was returning your...

AM: Thank you.

NP: I think he was drying you all up. There are 22 seconds for you on jesters Andree starting now.

AM: Shakespeare has many characters who are jesters, Touchstone, Vesty, and the Fool in Lear who is the most interesting of them all. Being wise, clever, intelligent and cynical as many comedians are when you get to know them personally. Ah...

BUZZ

NP: Another hesitation which you picked up first Clement. Four seconds, four and a half seconds on jesters starting now.

CF: A lady I met on the bus the other day said "I do enjoy Jester Minute" and I said "it should be called..."

WHISTLE

NP: That was a nice thought which I think deserved the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And Clement youíve now got a lead of three over Peter at the end of that round. And Peter your turn to begin again. Bedsteads, can you talk to us about those necessary things in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: They have a race in Cambridge and people lie on bedsteads and are driven or pushed or otherwise propelled along the main roads of this city in the ay, the, er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams got in first.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed and so Kenneth you take over the subject of bedsteads, 45 seconds starting now.

KW: Well of course the greatest one is at Ware, the great bed Ware you see...

BUZZ

NP: Peter challenged twice.

PJ: No I only challenged once, I think Andree challenged.

NP: Oh I see.

KW: Whatís she challenging about?

PJ: Ware.

AM: Ware.

PJ: He said Ware.

KW: No the first was W-A-R-E, the second one was W-H-E-R-E.

NP: He was very clever saying the great bed where.

PJ: Yes, very repetitious!

NP: All I can say is be wary Kenneth you might trip yourself up. Right you have a point for a clever line which foxed them Kenneth and you have 39 seconds on bedsteads starting now.

KW: And in this afore-mentioned bedstead they said as many as seven could all sleep together. And they also added that the propinquity would be great fun! Well I never tried anything like it myself, of course, but I have been reliably informed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Usual!

NP: What?

CF: Of course!

NP: He didnít say of course before.

CF: Yes he started the whole enterprise...

NP: Yes he did.

CF: ...with of course.

NP: He started the whole thing with of course. Do you agree with me, audience?

CRIES OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think youíre biased and prejudiced!

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you for reassuring me that you are, I now know that I was right! And Clement Freud has the point for a correct challenge and there are 25 seconds left starting now.

CF: Of course bedsteads have...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation. He takes ages to start!

NP: He took ages to start because he was trying to think of how to get in of course so you would challenge him. He was being very sporting.

KW: Oh I didnít hear that.

NP: But he, but he did hesitate and I agree and he was really trying to help you Kenneth. Because he wants you to talk about bedsteads. I think like me, heís fascinated about the propinquity in the bedstead. So itís your turn, take up the propinquity and carry on with your bedstead and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

KW: Ha... handmade ones are...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones .. (laughing) Peter Jo... Peter you challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I agree with Peterís challenge, he gains a point and 20 seconds for bedsteads starting now.

PJ: Well I was telling you about this, ah, competition...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, heís not told us anything about any competition.

NP: Yes he was, he was telling about the competition in Cambridge where they push the bedsteads down the main street. Peter you have another point and you have another 13 seconds for bedsteads starting now.

PJ: Iím very fond of brass ones with a lot of curly bits of er metal at the end. And the four posters with wood and hung with rich draperies with curtains which pull giving one privacy. And a certain...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím sorry to have to tell you that we have no more time in this particular game. Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained an extra point, he got a few points in that last game and he crept up quite a bit on Clement Freud. But first let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams was in fourth place, only one point behind Andree Melly in second place who was quite a bit behind Peter Jones who didnít quite get back to beat Clement Freud who was once again our winner, Clement Freud. We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.