WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 December 1975)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome back for the first time in this particular series, to take the fourth chair, the guest's chair Andree Melly who will once again try and do battle with out three regular and tough competitors of the game. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud, but before we do, let me remind you that they have to speak on a subject I will give them for just a minute without repetition, without hesitation, and without deviating from the subject. Clement, the subject is polo. You have 60 seconds and you start now.
CLEMENT FREUD: The other day I was driving to Ascot race course and passing Windsor I saw a notice that said ďpolo todayĒ, rather like ďfrying tonightĒ. And I turned off and for the first time I witnessed this amazing game on which men and women sit on horses, with mallets, hitting balls. Walk, trot, canter, controlled gallop are the sort of paces at which you might put your steed after the ivory along the lawn. And the thing is divided up into chuckers, which are time elements taking about 15 to 18, occasionally 20 minutes. South America is a game... is a place...
NP: Andree Melly.
ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.
NP: Hesitation, I agree, Andree.
CF: You have polo!
AM: Oh, thank you!
NP: Sheís got it! There are 14 seconds left Andree for you to talk about polo, having gained a point for a correct challenge, and you start now.
AM: Well, itís a sort of hockey on horseback played by slightly grand people. And you have to be awfully rich because you need a lot of ponies, so that you use one followed by another.
NP: Well, Ian Messiter blows his whistle after 60 seconds, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point and on this occasion it was Andree Melly. So Andree, at the end of that round you have a commanding lead. In fact, two of them have yet to speak, and one of them is Kenneth Williams...
PETER JONES: Well hello Kenneth.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hello Peter, how very kind of you to acknowledge me in that gallant fashion.
NP: Well, Kenneth, weíre going to hear from you now, because weíd like you to take the next round, and the subject is my strength. Will you talk about if, and if necessary... no, donít demonstrate it... umm, we have 60 seconds and you start now.
KW: It would be quite easy to summarise it. My strength is, as it were, oneís equal temper of heroic hearts made weak by time and faith but strong in will! To seek, to strive, to fight! And not to yield! Even in the early morning to eat that boiled egg! Whip off its head with a sharp whack of the knife and then...
NP: Ah, Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Boiled eggs donít have heads. Itís hard enough to tell their tops from their bottoms!
KW: I may be hard for you mate, but I know its head from its bottom!
NP: I think colloquially speaking you can refer to the top or the bottom or the head or the tail.
KW: Quite right!
NP: So Kenneth...
KW: Very good chairman, lovely fellow.
NP: Just you wait till I give a decision against him in a few moments! Kenneth, you keep the subject. You have 35 seconds left for my strength starting now.
KW: And in the army, they thought it wasnít really up to standard, and I was sent to a physical development centre at Hereford. The place was called Bradbury Lines and I was forced every morning to go into a field, unroll a blanket, and do what was termed remedial exercises. And an officer said ďtwinkle your toes, make them go up and down rhythmically, this will improve the strength of your feet and you will make an excellent infantrymanĒ. When my posting came however, it was not to such a regiment, oh no! I was sent to the Royal Engineers...
NP: So Kenneth Williams was starting in fine form this week, because he started with my strength, and in spite of one interruption, he finished with my strength. He was showing his strength in Just A Minute this week! Youíve got two points!
KW: Iím leading then!
NP: With Andree Melly.
NP: So youíre equal with Andree Melly at the end of that round. And Peter Jones, weíre now going to hear from you. The subject: cowboys. Will, you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Well, they are men who look after cattle in America. They wear chaps and buckles with huge belts attached. And they shoot guns, rifles and they have a tremendous reputation for toughness which is not altogether deserved I suppose, but why.. why...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
PJ: It was definitely a hesitation. Yes.
NP: Yes, it was a kerfuffle which we interpret as a hesitation. So Andree you have the subject of cowboys. There are 42 seconds left starting now.
AM: At the last count there were 19 cowboys in our house, I found two in the bath, one in my bed and three down the lavatory. My son aged five calls them all Jane. When I asked him saying I thought it all a bit strange, why werenít they Dan, Ben or even Fred, he had no answer at all, and Iím extremely worried at the psychological implications of a small boy thinking that all cowboys are called by that particular name.
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of name.
NP: Yes, you mentioned the name before, the word name. And Peter got in there with 10 seconds to go. Cowboys is now back with you Peter starting now.
PJ: Across the states of Wyoming and North Dakota, these extraordinary figures ride about on rather small horses. Theyíre not the huge...
NP: So Peter Jones got points in that round, also one for speaking when the whistle went. And he now has, well heís in second place with Kenneth, one behind Andree Melly who is still in the lead, and Andree, your turn to begin. The subject: my last hat. Will you tell us something about your last hat in Just A Minute starting now.
AM: My last hat was a complete disaster, which is not surprising because the one before that was even worse. I just donít seem very good at buying them. This particular one had a high crown and a wide brim, and was a little like those worn by a certain princess we all know extremely well, and it was for a wedding. No, I tell a lie...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well, I donít know any princess extremely well! Deviation.
NP: I think she meant that we all knew her extremely well from her pictures in the newspapers.
PJ: Ah, but she didnít say that.
NP: No, but she didnít say personally know very well either, so she wasnít deviating...
PJ: Yes, but naturally Iím trying to score points! So you know, any opportunity thatís offered to me like that that I receive...
NP: Well, Iím only trying to be fair because of all the things you say to me both if Iím not.
PJ: Iíve never criticised you for giving me a point!
NP: No and nobody else has, but quite the reverse occurs. And Andree, you have another point, and you keep the subject, 37 seconds on my last hat starting now.
AM: It was for a bah mitzvah and the extraordinary thing was that all the other women...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation. She said before it was for a wedding and now itís changed to a bah mitzvah, and the two are not the same thing.
PJ: It was a dual event for economyís sake!
CF: Called a double header!
NP: Kenneth, you have a correct challenge, and you have 33 seconds for my last hat starting now.
KW: It was waterproof, and I obtained it from a leading manufacturer of such articles. I did not expect it to leak. However on this particular night, which was a booze-up, I came out on the street, and not a taxi to be found! There I was! Stoked! Soaked, I meant...
KW: I meant to say soaked, but I said stoked! Hahhahhahaaha! I was stoked really!
NP: You were stoked and soaked!
KW: Yes, hahahahah! Who challenged me?
NP: Andree Melly.
KW: Oh! Well, sheís right!
NP: Yes she was. I think you were giving a demonstration of how you were at the particular time. Andree, the subjectís back with you, 14 and a half seconds, my last hat, starting now.
AM: When I finished with my last hat I gave it to Kenneth Williams, because his leaked, and he got stoked in it. And I felt that really, it wasnít fair. I mean, there he was, in the road, in the rain. And what could he do without something on top of his titfer. So if Ian Messiter doesnít blow...
NP: Peter Jones, Peter got in.
PJ: It couldnít be on top of his titfer. He wouldnít have another hat on top of it! I think really there must have been only one hat!
NP: Yes, if you lend someone a hat, they donít put it on top of their own hat. Iíll give you that one Peter, and you have one second, on my last hat starting now.
PJ: It was a boater.
NP: Andree still in the lead, Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams only one point behind. Clement Freud, your turn to begin. The subject that Ian Messiter has thought up is pognophobia, poganophobia. So will you talk about if you can ...
PJ: Can we talk about either?
NP: Yes, as if Iíve given you both. There are 60 seconds starting now.
CF: Poganophobia is tremendously on the increase at the moment. It is because of viciousness on the part of chess players. It's manifested by people throwing their knights at the others queen, or even pushing their king viciously towards the bishop of their opponent. Police cells at the moment are chocker block with poganophobics.
NP: Andree Melly has challenged.
AM: Repetition of moment, there were two of them. There was at the moment and a moment then, just a moment.
NP: Yes, there was another moment there, so will you try and tell us something about poganophobia in 37 seconds starting now.
AM: Poganophoboa actually is the fear of not understanding what words mean, and itís something that I suffer from very much.
NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.
NP: That is perfectly correct, it is deviation. We wonít tell them what it is because weíll let them find out. You have the subject back Clement with 29 seconds left starting now.
CF: If youíre going to talk about actual definitions, poganophobia is the fear of beards, especially by people who have tender skin, and are frightened lest their hirsute face...
NP: Andree Melly... no, Clement Freud you have challenged yourself...
CH: NO, I havenít.
NO: Oh, well your light came on but Andree pressed.
AM: Itís deviation, because itís not about that at all.
NP: It is, it is a fear of beards. Poganophobia is a fear of beards, and thatís one of the reasons we chose it for Clement Freud. He has 18 seconds to continue on poganophobia starting now.
CF: But really any hair can instill such phobia or fright into the recipient who rubs whatever section of her anatomy or even his against such a growth from wherever on the body it might come from...
NP: Peter Jones.
NP: Yes I would agree.
NP: Yes, so poganophobia...
CF: No. What, between words?
CF: You would like me to ellide one straight into another.
NP: Thereís no another place you can hesitate but between words.
PJ: Heíd slowed up terribly, grinding to a halt, wasnít he?
KW: Grinding down terribly, grinding down...
NP: And Peter you got in once again, with only two seconds to go on poganophobia, with you starting now.
PJ: Artificial beards donít count, but...
NP: Well, Peter Jones is now in the lead, alongside Andree Melly at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams, weíre back with you to start, and the subject, Edward the Seventh. We know your interest in history, so will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: Well, undoubtedly he was the source of great embarrassment to his mother, owing to the fact that he did have two appearances in court. And this did cause a great scandal...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
NP: Yes, Iím afraid you did, so, umm, there are 47 seconds for Clement to continue... sorry, take up the subject of Edward the Seventh starting now.
CF: Edward the Seventh, of course, was every poganophobic's pin-up. His beard which was lush...
NP: Er, Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Well, if poganophobia is what he told us it is, a hatred of beards...
KW: He wouldnít be anybodyís pin-up because he had one!
NP: I quite agree!
KW: Thank you very much.
CF: Have you never heard of masochism?
KW: I donít wish to argue with you! I donít wish to argue with you! The chairman has made a decision and I abide by the chair!
NP: When itís in your favour!
KW: Heís a lovely person and good looking to boot! Isnít he?
NP: Whatís this to boot? Kenneth, you have 41 and a half seconds, Edward the Seventh, starting now.
KW: He was the son of Queen Victoria, and she said at the time, well, never let the memory of Albert be dimmed. And gave the name to several of her children, not all of them used it as the first. But she also said even the rooms should be endearing in terms of those er...
NP: Clement Freud.
NP: Clement, there are 13 seconds left, Edward the Seventh starting now.
CF: It was perhaps one of the most extraordinary things when Edward the Seventh appeared in court, because he was accused of something very common, a crime which very few people have appeared in court of royal blood...
NP: And Andree Melly?
AM: Two courts, repetition of court.
NP: Yes, he did appear twice.
KW: Well, I noticed that, but I was dying to find out what he was going to say!
CF: He appeared twice in two courts!
NP: Andree, youíve got in with one second to go, on Edward the Seventh, starting now.
AM: He was on the telly for weeks!
NP: Andree, you were speaking again when the whistle went and so you've increased your lead. Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are almost equal in second place. Peter, the subject which occurs ... repeatedly in this programme is the unexpected. That is the subject and there's Just A Minute to talk on it starting now.
PJ: The unexpected is all right, except when it's guests. People in other words who have been invited during some euphoric, expansive, ebullient mood, and then weeks later in a depressed period when one is rather sad and perhaps short of money, the cashflow has slowed down to a standstill, they appear on the doorstep and crave admission, and very likely a meal to boot. Well, that is one of the unexpected things that I never really enjoy, much as I enjoy...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
AM: Repetition of enjoy.
NP: He said enjoyed the first time and enjoy the second.
PJ: Oh, did I? I didnít hear that! Yes I did, yes!
NP: The unexpected still with you Peter, with 18 seconds... sorry, 23 seconds, starting now.
PJ: The only thing to do is to smile and make a clean breast of it and say ďcome on, weíre going out to dinnerĒ. And you then go to the nearest fish and chip shop or takeaway Indian place when you buy something or other...
NP: Ah Clement Freud.
CF: It's er deviation, it's against the Race Relations Board edict. The taking away of Indians is...
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: No you can hardly eat them for your dinner. Clement we'll give you a bonus point for your challenge but leave the subject with Peter Jones with nine seconds left starting now.
PJ: You go inside and eat it, or else you go to the park, and find a bench and there you consume...
NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation. He said go to a takeaway restaurant, and then he said go inside and eat it. Now this is a contradiction in terms. You either take it away in a takeaway restaurant, or you go in and order a meal!
PJ: No, it was a fish and chip shop!
KW: You canít have both!
PJ: Oh you can, oh yes you can!
KW: Well, why is it called takeaway, you great nit! If you go in and sit there?
PJ: You can buy it and throw it away if you want to!
KW: And who in this day and age has got the time or the money to go and throw food away in the street?
NP: Kenneth, I disagree with your challenge. An entirely expected one, by the way. And there are four seconds for you to continue Peter starting now.
PJ: Nowadays there are more unexpected things happening than ever before in the whole history...
NP: So Peter Jones, starting with the unexpected, finished with the unexpected, in spite a number of challenges, which gave him points. So heís now in the lead. And Andree Melly we're back with you to begin, the subject, yellow lines. Would you tell us something about those sinister things in the road, or elsewhere for that matter starting now.
AM: I used to be terrified of yellow lines. I'd only got to get the first two wheels of our small family car on to them when one of those parking warden people turned up round the corner and plonked a thing on the front windscreen. Now however this year we opened a health food shop and we changed our automobile for a van which has the name of our business on the side, being Nuts! And there I placed this particular form of transport, have I said that before? No...
NP: Clement challenged.
NP: Yes, yellow lines is with you Clement with 29 seconds starting now.
CF: You can always tell an elderly Chinaman by the yellow lines. But also on an egg, if you want to know where the head is, as opposed to the tail, there's no reason why you shouldn't get a pen and put yellow lines in the appropriate places. However turning to Piccadilly and the traffic laws, there are more and increasingly numerous yellow lines on the pavement, by the gutter, underneath, on the road, close to where you were going to put your car...
NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: What's all that mean? Underneath on the road! It's too... for words...
NP: It's rubbish!
CF: I thought you were all asleep!
NP: I'd like to find these men who paint the yellow lines underneath the road! They must have a very nice job! Peter you've got a correct challenge with three seconds on yellow lines starting now.
PJ: If you leave a car on the zigzag lines near the pedestrian crossing...
NP: Well Peter Jones...
PJ: I would really have liked to finish that because it's terribly important! The policemen are the only people who can do anything about it because the wardens are not empowered to fine you or do anything.
NP: You've become very serious all of the sudden! But you've increased your lead at the end of the round. And Clement Freud, it's your turn to begin. The subject, Clement, a balanced meal. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute, starting now.
CF: I suppose you could call the head of an egg and the heel of a cucumber a balanced meal. But I would personally use...
NP: Um, Andree Melly.
AM: Hesitation there.
NP: No, it wasnít.
AM: Oh, of course...
KW: There was a hesitation, quite definitely. And everyone knows there was a hesitation. He said about the head of the egg about three times! He felt very self-conscious about it! And Andree Melly was very observant. She could see that hesitation coming a mile off, and so could I! And he knows it was! Thatís why heís gone red! Look at him! Admit your guilt! Go on, admit it! You were hesitating werenít you!
NP: You canít tell when a pognophobiac flashes beneath their beard!
NP: Poganophobic. Iíll stick to the other pronunciation. Clement, I disagree with them. I donít think you were hesitating on this occasion. You have a balanced meal still, with 52 seconds starting now.
CF: These days a balanced meal doesnít really apply because basically there are so many forms of vitamin tablets and other aids that any meal you have whenever is sufficiently balanced. The lights have gone on, thank you very much. Soup, fish, meat, sweet, was the original concept of a balanced meal, and you took vitamin tablets before and a little saccharine or artificial sweetener..
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: He mentioned vitamin tablets before.
NP: Yes, he did. Peter, you have a balanced meal, and you have 27 seconds in which to talk about it starting now.
PJ: One of the difficulties of eating a balanced meal at a buffet supper is balancing it on the knee, with a knife and fork in either hand, a glass perhaps on the other joint, and further from that, you have the knack...
NP: Er, Clement Freud.
CF: Well, you shouldnít take a joint to a party. It would be...
NP: I think by any score he was deviating from a balanced meal, it sounded very very strange to me. So Clement, you have the subject back, with 13 seconds, starting now.
CF: The A, B, C, D, especially the third one of those, give a man all the nourishment that he needs. Although the odd woman does like to have sago pudding...
NP: Um, Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, A, B, C and D give a man all the nourishment he needs means absolutely nothing. Itís not even English! Deviation.
NP: It could mean anything, couldnít it?
KW: Thank you very much.
NP: So you have a balanced meal and two seconds to go, starting now.
KW: Itís what you eat on the tightrope when youíre in the circus...
NP: So Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went, he gained an extra point, he's still in fourth place, he's one behind Andree Melly. Clement Freud is two points ahead of Andree, and two points ahead of him is our leader still Peter Jones. Kenneth, will you begin the next round, the subject, when Iím cornered. Well, I could tell you what you do, but you tell us what you think happens in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: Well, this will have to be hypothetical for the simple reason that I have never been in a boxing ring in my life. And therefore it has not occurred. Realistically speaking, what I did would be purely conjectural. If I were cornered, I would lash out with everything in my power! Fists would going as well as the elbows, and the legs, and of course, the knees, which can administer certain grave physical disabilities upon any adversary with whom you might be matched in this existence. On the other hand, should you be cornered in a verbal sense, then the essence of defence is attack! Get out there, with everything going, every gun firing...
NP: Well, you see what happens when he really is cornered. Everything goes, as he was cornered. He had the subject to start with, and he kept going for 60 seconds without being interrupted. He gets a point for speaking as the whistle went, and a bonus point for achieving that distinction. And you're, oh, you've now moved into third place. You're only one behind Clement Freud, three behind our leader Peter Jones who begins the next round. Peter, beating the system, will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Now that's something I always enjoy doing because it means to me the game of roulette. Something that I never play in the British Isles because it doesn't seem right or proper...
NP: Andree Melly.
AM: There was a repetition of something.
NP: Yes there was. Beating the system Andree, 49 seconds left starting now.
AM: Beating the sysytem is something that I'm not frightfully good at. Because you have to be a teeny bit dishonest and I'm afraid that's impossible for me. I just can't get through the Customs with something I shouldn't have, or avoid a certain bit of income tax. It is not in my nature. I know some people who do enjoy it very much. They no doubt could tell me how to do it. But if it isn't in your character and your makeup, if somehow or another you couldn't bring yourself to behave in such an underhand way, then you are not the right person to beat the system. Now... if somebody wanted to interrupt me...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of somebody.
NP: Yes! I think she was quite grateful for the somebody that interrupted her! Beating the system is with you Clement and there are 11 seconds left starting now.
CF: When the lavatory doesn't flush, I suppose beating the system is one of the ways of getting it to go. I like to use a stick, a poleaxe, a hockey...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you Clement.
KW: Yes, because it's system ending with an M for mother, not cistern which ends with an N for naughty.
NP: Yes and I definitely said system as opposed to cistern.
KW: Precisely! Your diction was impeccable if I might say so!
NP: Thank you Kenneth!
KW: This chairman's an educated fellow, you know!
NP: And your observations are impeccable and your remarks are absolutely... brilliant!
KW: Thank you very much.
NP: You have a point...
KW: Thank you very much.
NP: And you have beating the system and you have er four and a half seconds starting now.
KW: You do this by finding out what the onerous formula is and substituting the answer in a form of keys...
NP: So as we approach the end of the show but with still another round to go, Peter Jones is still in the lead but only one ahead of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams equal in second place. And Andree Melly, your turn to begin. The subject, ties. Would you tell us something about that in Just a Minute starting now.
AM: I remember when I was about seven my grandmother said to me that a very great friend of hers who was 72 could not leave Liverpool, because she had ties. And I thought that this was a kind of disease which was so terrible and disgusting that perhaps one couldnít explain exactly what it meant. It was later that I realised that people of a certain age and sometimes younger are tied to the town or part of the country, where they were born. And you cannot uproot these people and send them somewhere else. This is something that the Government should really...
NP: Ah, Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition of people.
NP: Yes, I..
KW: What, people? I mean (singing) ďPeople who need people are the luckiest people in the world. People...Ē Itís a wonderful number that!
NP: Youíve just been listening to Top Of The Pops. And that was Kenneth Williamsí new number which is now at number 147, and going down rapidly. But in Just A Minute, Clement Freud challenged. He had a correct challenge on people which was a repetition, and he has now 27 seconds to talk about ties starting now.
CF: Ties are pieces of material which are tied around peoples necks, in one or other knot, according to the fashion of the day. I personally have over 100 in a cupboard, but only ever wear two. The first belonging to the Lords Taverners, because it is faded and no-one can ever see what emblem is depicted on it, and the other is an old Etonian tie to which I am not entitled. I purchased it in San Francisco from a man...
NP: And why somebody here didnít challenge him at that moment. He said he only wore two ties, but heís not wearing either of the ones he described! It was one of the easiest challenges, but Clement Freud wasnít challenged. He kept going and so he gained that extra point for speaking when the whistle went. I will now tell you what the final score is as we have no more time. And Andree Melly returning after what has been an absence did extremely well, and... no, she was fourth place, but she was only two points behind Kenneth Williams and he was only one point behind this week's joint winners, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. We do hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when once again we all take to the air and we all play Just A Minute. From all of us here, goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter, and produced by John Lloyd.