JAM:PMerton,CFreud,GNorton,FMacAulay
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, GRAHAM NORTON and FRED MacAULAY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 July 1999)

NOTE: This was transcribed by Kathy Brister. Thank you Kathy! :)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello. My name is Nicholas Parsons and as the minute waltz fades away, once more it is my pleasure not only to welcome our many listeners throughout the world but also the four exciting and talented players of the game who are going to compete this week. We welcome back one of our most popular and talented players and that is Paul Merton, we welcome one of our oldest and most original players and that is Clement Freud, we welcome back two who have not played it quite so frequently but they are equally talented, and that is Graham Norton and Fred MacAulay, and will you please welcome all four of them! As usual, I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I will give them and they are going to try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Jane Gibson, who's going to help me keep the score, and blow her whistle when sixty seconds is up. And this edition of Just A Minute coming from the King's Theatre in the wonderful, cultural city of Glasgow. We are part of Music Live in this great city, and before us we have an exciting, dynamic, Glaswegian audience. Who better to start the show than Fred MacAulay? Fred, tell us something about Breeding Porcupines. Well, there's nothing like starting off an impossible subject. Fred talk on the subject now, please, if you can.

FRED MacAULAY: I have to confess I am going to be speaking from a position of complete and utter ignorance because I don't know that much about breeding porcumi..por...

BUZZ

NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GRAHAM NORTON: The word just seemed longer.

NP: So, Graham, you have a correct challenge, you have a point and you take over the subject of Breeding Porcupines. There are 51 seconds available, starting now.

GN: A lot of women I know are very jealous of porcupines because, for the lady porcupine, childbirth is practically fabulous compared to the horror of conception. They are known as romantic little beasts. I know this because I read a book once. Honestly, that's true. However though, in the love sort of situation, confusion can arise. As a partner whispers 'I'm stuck on you babe' into the ear, what do they mean? Is it a sweet nothing or a statement of fact?

BUZZ

GN: Thank God for that.

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: A well deserved round of applause for your contribution, Graham, on that impossible subject. But, I have to tell you, Clement Freud has got in with only 3 seconds to go, and he takes over the subject of Breeding Porcupines. 3 seconds to go, starting now.

CF: And the woman said 'If you don't take those breeding porcupines...'

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point for doing so and on this occasion it is Clement Freud, so he's in the lead at the end of the round. Clement, it's your turn to begin, and the subject we have here, very topical: Tartan. Clement, talk on the subject of Tartan for 60 seconds if you can, starting now.

CF: Sadly there is no Freud tartan, not even a mac or a...oh...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton, you challenged.

PAUL MERTON: A sort of hesitation.

NP: A sort of hesitation, yes, more than. But a correct challenge and a point to you for a correct challenge. You have 52 seconds, tell us something about tartan, Paul, starting now.

PM: It's a shame that Clement said that there is no Freud tartan, because my memory of going up to the Edinburgh festival is no matter what name an American tourist has...

BUZZ

NP: Clement.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I'm not an American tourist.

PM: I wasn't suggesting you were.

NP: Clement, you're not an American tourist, and he wasn't suggesting you were. I think the audience enjoyed your interjection there, I'll give you a bonus point for that. But as Paul was not deviating, he gets a point for being interrupted, he keeps the subject, 43 seconds available, tartan, with you, Paul, starting now.

PM: 'Hello I'm from Oklahoma and my name is Guggenhein' and the people in the tartan shop say 'We've got the McGuggenhein tartan...

BUZZ

NP: Clement.

PM: Guggenhein, McGuggenhein, what's your problem?

NP: So, Paul, an incorrect challenge, 35 seconds on tartan starting now.

PM: The McGuggenheins of...

BUZZ

NP: Fred, you challenged.

GN: In fairness...

NP: No no! It was ...

GN: It was before the s.

NP: No, it was Fred who challenged.

GN: Oh, wasn't it me? I'm terribly sorry.

NP: Fred, he did put the s on, you challenged before the s, but that was too keen. He did say McGuggenheins.

PM: At that point I'd only said McGuggen.

NP: So Paul, you have another point for an incorrect challenge, you have...

FM: I beg to differ, I didn't buzz in at all.

NP: Your light came on.

FM: Well, be that as it may...

NP: No it wasn't, it was Graham's light, I'm so sorry. 33 seconds with you Paul, tartan, starting now.

PM: Well this is rather embarrassing as I've explored everything I know about tartan so I'm quite happy to give up this subject any particular...

BUZZ

NP: Graham, you challenged.

GN: Charity. I'll just take it. I'm not proud.

NP: Paul, you didn't actually hesitate, deviate, or repeat anything. Do you wish to give it up or not?

PM: No.

NP: Right, Graham, given a bonus point. Paul, as it was an incorrect challenge, you have an extra point. Right, 26 seconds starting now.

PM: How can I best describe tartan? It's a kind of pattern.

BUZZ

NP: Fred, you challenged.

FM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, indeed, and what a statement. Tartan, with you Fred. Let's have a Scotsman on tartan, 21 seconds, starting now.

FM: Well, you know of course, there are many different types of tartan. There's Anderson, Macbeth, McTavish, McAndrew, MacAulay, Stewart of course, ancient...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of 'of course'.

NP: Yes, Clement, you have a point for that, you have 11 seconds on Tartan starting now.

CF: I think perhaps my favourite tartan is Bakewell tartan cream. Apricot tartan strawberries is another of which I am very fond indeed.

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was speaking then as the whistle died away. Jane Gibson, who sits beside me, blows the whistle and sometimes she has difficulty summing up enough wind to get the pea in the whistle moving at pace. So, try just again to give it power, Jane, go on, we'd love to hear a really powerful one.

WHISTLE

NP: Yes!

APPLAUSE, CHEERS ETC.

NP: Paul Merton, please take the next round: Vital Statistics. Tell us something about that subject in this game, starting now.

PM: There weren't enough lifeboats on the Titanic. This is a very vital statistic. It mattered a great deal to the people on this ship as it set sail from Southampton, via Cork, to New York. They were there, walking around the promenade deck, saying "What a beautiful creation this vessel is! How wonderful it is! What's that iceberg doing there?", then having to rush all around, while senior officers pointed to the various boats that were hanging over the side and unfortunately the cry was 'Women and children first!' I think this is...I don't know where this came from. Who came up with the idea of, erm, them fir....bleurgh! (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Fred, you challenged first. Yes, hesitation we interpret that as. Fred, you have 22 seconds to talk about Vital Statistics, starting now.

FM: Well, as Paul said, that was a vital statistic. But I think the expression is used mainly to describe the inches of a woman's bust, or waist, of hips and I don't think this is particularly important at all. It wouldn't make a difference to a life or death situation if a woman's bust happened to be larger...

BUZZ

NP: Oh, yes, Graham, yes.

GN: Two busts.

FM: And me a leg man!

NP: Graham got in with 3 seconds available on Vital Statistics.

GN: I love statistics. It's with a...

WHISTLE

NP: Graham Norton was then speaking as the whistle went, and gained that extra point. Fred MacAulay, it's your turn to begin. The subject: The New Rock and Roll. Tell us something about that in just a minute, starting now.

FM: Well the expression rock and roll is usually put together with sex and drugs so the new rock and roll must be rugby because the former England captain seems to spend most of his time...

BUZZ

NP: Paul, you challenged.

PM: That came from a libel lawyer, that challenge. Hesitation.

NP: Yes, hesitation. 46 second, Paul, the new rock and roll, starting now.

PM: A few years ago, stand up comedy was described as the new rock and roll and it is often attributed to Janet Street-Porter but it was in fact the American magazine Rolling Stones that noted that in the 1980s comedians like Steve Martin and Robin Williams were appearing in big venues, ten thousand seaters, and this is why comedy became the new rock and roll...

BUZZ

NP: Graham Norton, you challenged.

GN: Seems to be a comedy thing happening again...

PM: Yes, two comedies.

NP: Yes, two comedies. Well listened, Graham, and very sporting Paul. 24 seconds, the new rock and roll, with Graham, starting now.

GN: The new rock and roll must not be rock and roll hence the expression. Therefore perhaps the new rock and roll is...

BUZZ

NP: Paul, you challenged.

PM: I was challenged so we could hear this rubbish? I was being informative. 'The new rock and roll is not rock and roll because otherwise the rock and roll would not be?'

NP: He wasn't technically deviating from the subject.

GN: Thank you.

NP: But we did enjoy your challenge, so I'll give you a bonus point for that, Paul, and you were interrupted Graham, so you get a point for that. 16 seconds still available, the new rock and roll, starting now.

GN: Opera is the new rock and roll in my opinion. Now Cher can appear in La Boheme. Instead of talking about her tiny hand being frozen, she can tell us that her large bosom is plastic. I love that woman to the very core of her...

WHISTLE

NP: Graham Norton, speaking then as the whistle went. He's equal with Clement Freud in second place, a little way behind Paul Merton, and Fred MacAulay straining to catch up. Clement Freud, it's your turn to begin. Nuts in May. Oh what a delightful thought! Talk on the subject Clement for 60 seconds if you want to, starting now.

CF: There is a song which goes: 'Here we go gathering nuts in May, nuts in May, nuts in May, nuts in May, nuts in May...'

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Give the record player a kick.

NP: I mean, I do agree. There must come a point where you can repeat the subject on the card, but if you repeat it endlessly it's a bit of a non-event as a game isn't it really? I mean, you repeated it 5 times, Clement.

CF: No, I repeated it four times.

NP: I think I will have to say no points are going to be scored on that, but if anybody speaks a word on more than 4 occasions like that, it will be repetition, even if it is on the card.

GN: Oooooooh!

PM: A new rule after 32 years!

NP: Er, I don't know. Nuts in May, with you Clement. No points scored then. 39 seconds starting now.

CF: Nuts is a word in common usage to describe people who are not quite all there. Those who are perhaps one song short of an Eisteddford. Lunatic asylums used to have not only screws and bolts, but also nuts, and in May which was not such a bad year in which to go to such an institution...

BUZZ

NP: Paul, you challenged.

PM: 'In May which was not such a bad year'? Deviation. May was a month, not a year.

NP: Deviation, May was a month not a year.

CF: Oh really?

NP: Mmmmm. 24 seconds for you Paul, with a correct challenge, are Nuts in May.

PM: I used to go out with a girl called May and she was lovely and every Friday night we'd go down the pub, have a few drinks and I'd give her a bag of peanuts, and I'd say 'There you are May. Have some nuts.' She would always say 'Oh, how lovely! Nuts for me? Nuts in May.' I'd say ' Yes absolutely.' Nuts in May - that's twice. Nuts in May - that's three. Nuts in...

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay's challenge.

FM: I hate to be picky, but he repeated 'that's'.

NP: I don't think that's picky, I think that's good listening. So, Fred, a correct challenge, you've got in with three seconds to go, on Nuts in May, starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Er, Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: No! You've got two and a half seconds on Nuts in May, Fred, starting now.

FM: I don't think nuts in May is about gathering...

WHISTLE

NP: Well you certainly have the audience's sympathy, Fred, and for speaking as the whistle went, you have leapt forward, but you're still in fourth place. Paul, it's your turn to begin. Derring-do. Tell us something about that subject, in just a minute, starting now.

PM: Wilbur and Orvill Wright are credited as being the first men to fly in an aeroplane, and their attempts must have..er, oh.

BUZZ

NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GN: It sort of came to ground.

NP: Yes, he had a false landing. Graham, 52 seconds are available, can you tell us something about derring-do, starting now.

GN: In my opinion, a derring-do is a home perm. I think that Moira Stewart sports a particularly derring-do. I wouldn't have the nerve, would you? And yet she goes on television! Gloria Hunniford is the patron saint of all the people interested in derring-dos. I don't know what's on her head, perhaps a small dog, I've never seen its face. She must go to the hairdresser's and go 'Go on, I don't care!' This to me sums up irony. Gloria Hunniford recently...

BUZZ

NP: Aaaaaaah.

PM: I get repetition of that's, and when I get repetition of Gloria Hunniford people boo!

NP: Well, at Gloria Hunniford, we're very upset...

GN: No, actually, can I take this opportunity? I like Gloria Hunniford, I really do. I'm sure she has lovely hair in the flesh, it's just TV lights.

NP: Paul, you have a correct challenge. Repetition. Five seconds to go. derring-do, starting now.

PM: I suppose that the man that was piloting the Titanic through the icebergs thought to himself...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton, speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, has increased his lead. Jane Gibson, sitting next to me, looking so lovely and such a help to me, but she does get nervous of the whistle. Jane, will you...

PM: Is she not blowing to your satisfaction, Nicholas?

NP: No, she can't rattle her pea in that machine very well. Jane, for the sake of....I've embarrassed the poor girl so much. Jane, we love you very much, and will you give it a bit of gusto. Try once more for this audience, give a blow and see what happens. Go on, she's shaking now, poor darling. Go on, give it a big blow. Go on, go on, go on, give it gusto, go on.

GN: You've done this coaxing before, haven't you?

NP: Go on, give it a big one, go on. Go on, Jane.

WHISTLE

NP: Graham Norton, it's your turn to begin, and your subject is A Fiendish Mind. Tell us something about that in this game, starting now.

GN: There is a fiendish mind at work in the world of publishing. A lover of all things north of the border, it was some excitement...

BUZZ

NP: Fred, you challenged.

FM: I'm not sure. What shall I challenge on Graham?

GM: Hesitation?

FM: Hesitation, I think.

NP: Yes, and deviation from English as I understand it. 50 seconds for you, Fred, on the subject of A Fiendish Mind, starting now.

FM: I think everybody's probably got a little fiendish cell in their brain, because not everyone decides that they are going to embark on a particular enterprise, and halfway along suddenly decide that they are veering towards a devilish endeavour. I think that, opposite, on the other side of that, thinking centre...

BUZZ

NP: Graham, you challenged.

GN: I was just giving him an option.

NP: So, Fred MacAulay, you keep A Fiendish Mind, and you have 31 seconds, starting now.

FM: I don't think Graham Norton has a fiendish mind at all, as he was being very charitable there, trying to help me out, because I was gathering speed there as I, erm...

BUZZ

NP: But he got in that time.

GN: I feel quite fiendish.

NP: Graham, you've got the subject back of A Fiendish Mind, 31 seconds available, starting now.

GN: With great excitement, I purchased a magazine entitled Jock, and imagine my surprise when I got it home and discovered not a Scottish person in it. The only sign of tartan was where one of the models was sitting in a wicker chair...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud there interrupted. I was just looking at the audience. They were all working it out in their mind. Clement, you have a challenge, I didn't ask you what it was.

CF: He hesitated.

NP: He did indeed. 4 seconds for you on A Fiendish Mind, starting now.

CF: I think the author of Noddy probably had as fiendish a mind...

WHISTLE

NP: For the sake of our listeners, I must explain that the extra loud cheer from the audience was for Jane Gibson for the way she blew her whistle then. And Clement Freud, you've moved forward. You're a little way behind Paul Merton, but ahead of the other two. It's your turn to begin. The subject: Dirty Laughs. We don't have many of those in Just a Minute, but talk on the subject, if you can, for 60 seconds, starting now.

CF: The concept that you should have a different laugh depending on the nature of the joke is one to which I don't subscribe, but let us try. There was this woman with huge boobs and a tiny brain. Hahahahahahahaha!

BUZZ

NP: Graham has challenged.

GN: Repetition of ha.

NP: Correct challenge. So, Graham, you have the subject, you have 44 seconds, Dirty Laughs, starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Paul Merton, you have a correct challenge, and 42 seconds, starting now.


PM: I think what Clement was saying is wrong. I think you can identify a dirty laugh. Sid James in many Carry On films was noted for his particularly dirty laughs, when Barbara Windsor bent over, or laid back, or opened her arms in a suggestive manner. Undoubtedly, his laugh was a dirty one. At those times, you would say to yourself 'I can't imagine the Archbishop of Canterbury possessing such a laugh. You can't see him really giving service at Easter, or on a Sunday, or even on Good Friday turning to the congregation and going hehehe. It is not feasible that such a man of the cloth would behave in such a manner...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton took the subject on Dirty Laughs right up to the whistle, got n extra point for doing so, and has increased his lead. Paul, it's also your turn to begin. The Face in the Crowd. A dramatic subject. Tell us something about it in 60 seconds starting now.

PM: This year marks the hundredth anniversary of Alfred Hitchcock, who of course was famous, not only for making films of wonderful suspense, but also for his cameo appearances in those movies. His first appearance in front of the camera was a...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two appearances.

NP: There were two appearances, yes. He only made one most of the time. He erm, sorry I'm just getting a note here...

PM: Go home. Leave the building. Don't look left or right. Don't talk to anybody.

NP: So Clement, correct challenge. This watch is still going!. We'll just have to guess how many seconds he'd gone for. We'll assume he went for 15 seconds.

PM: I went for 15 seconds.

NP: So Clement, you have 45 seconds for The Face in the Crowd, starting now.

CF: If you were to go into a crowd and pick almost any face in whatever location you choose, you would get a chairman who would have all the quality of Nicholas Parsons and then some. That's about all I wish to say at this moment.

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: A full stop. Completion.

NP: A full stop, which we interpret as hesitation. You two are going to have another go at me in The Face in the Crowd. There are 28 seconds left, starting now.

PM: In Psycho, you see him walking across the road as.......

BUZZ

PM: What do you mean 'Whom?'

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

PM: You wanted me to repeat Alfred Hitchcock?

NP: Fred you challenged.

FM: He hesitated.

NP: He did hesitate, yes.

PM: Hang on a minute! Clement said to me 'Whom?' in the middle of me speaking!

NP: So, it stopped you in you r tracks, did it?

PM: It did, a little bit! As Clement knows full well.

NP: Paul, as you are in a very strong lead, and we've lost track of the seconds in this round,...

PM: Let's throw all the rules out of the window!

NP: And as Fred MacAulay only guests when we're up here in Scotland, and there are only another 15 seconds to go..

PM: Or so.

GN: Why don't we call it 'Just a While'?

PM: Has anybody got a calendar?

NP: Let's finish in true Glaswegian style, with a Glaswegian voice telling us about The Face in the Crowd, 15 seconds, starting now.

FM: It's a fair voice Nicholas, but in fact I would like to say there is nothing more terrifying than only seeing one face in a crowd...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Well it wouldn't be a crowd if there was only one face.

FM: No, I mean if there's 1700 people and only one face, that's terrifying.

PM: They could be looking the wrong way!

FM: 1699 headless corpses....

PM: Listen, you get your audience, I get my audience.

NP: I think Fred has justified what he was saying.

PM: What?!

NP: And you can look at a crowd and be so transfixed by one face, that's the only face you see. With due respect Fred, I think that was an incorrect challenge, and you keep the subject, and you have...

PM: 18 minutes...

NP: 8 seconds, The Face in the Crowd, starting now.

FM: Hello, can you get the police please? I've just seen a crowd and there's only one face in it. They're in the King's Theatre.

WHISTLE

NP: So, Fred, you were speaking as the whistle went, and you gain a point for doing so. You have moved even further forward, you're now in second place. We now move on to the final round, and whose turn is it to begin? It is Graham Norton. The Final Twist. Tell us something about The Final Twist, 60 seconds, starting now.

GN: In my school, we had a special dance, to celebrate the end of the potato harvest. It is known as the spud hop, and we all remember the final twist at that. Miss Doodie, I think she'd had a spritzer or a glass of sherry, made to venture onto the floor. She did, fell over like a dead cow, broke her leg. I know it sounds cruel, but we laughed.. We were children, we were young, we didn't know. That was the final twist. The other good final twist is, er, when you..

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: A slight hesitation

NP: There are 17 seconds, you've got in Fred. The Final Twist. Tell us something about it in this game, starting now.

FM: It would be a complete nightmare if the last dance at a disco was the final twist. You would be looking forward to a slow one, there could be nothing worse than ending an evening, standing sweating beside a partner, barely able to speak because, exhaustion..

BUZZ

NP: It was a challenge. Paul challenged.

PM: There was a slight hesitation.

NP: Yes, there was a hesitation, and you cleverly got in with 2 seconds to go. Oh, the look on Fred's face, he wanted to finish the show in style, but 2 seconds, The Final Twist is with you, Paul, starting now.

PM: In Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, the final twist is that...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, that final twist was a final flourish in this particular edition of Just a Minute. Paul Merton kept that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. The final situation for those interested in points. They all contributed so much, but Graham Norton didn't get as many points as Clement Freud, Clement Freud didn't get as many points as Fred MacAulay, but out in the lead, a few points ahead, was Paul Merton. So, Paul, you are our winner this week!. It only remains for me to say thank you to our four delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Fred MacAulay, Graham Norton, Clement Freud, Jane Gibson and also the creator of the game, Ian Messiter, and our producer, that is Chris Neill, and we also thank this lovely, extravagant audience here at the King's Theatre, Glasgow. We've had a wonderful time, hope you've enjoyed it, and tune in next time we play Just a Minute! From me, Nicholas Parsons, goodbye!