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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, ANDREE MELLY and CHARMIAN INNES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 March 1968)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Andree Melly and Charmian Innes in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is the Man of the Minute, Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and once again, hello and welcome to this particular game. May I remind you of the rules. Each person must speak for Just A Minute without hesitation, without deviation and without repetition. I almost forgot them myself, you see. Anyway on some unlikely subject which I will suddenly give to them. And the other three can try and gain points for themselves by challenging. If I uphold their challenge, they will gain a point and the subject, and if I don’t the person who’s speaking will gain a point. Let us start with Derek Nimmo and here is a subject for you Derek. When I wear a top hat. Talk if you can for 60 seconds starting now. DEREK NIMMO: I wear a top hat infrequently, and would like to wear it perhaps more frequently. It seems to me to be limited really, to a wedding perhaps, and memorial services. But one can also wear it to the Eton-Harrow cricket match and look rather splendid in that case. I remember one wearing one once. I was on the dole at the time and going to the Labour Exchange on my way to the Eton-Harrow cricket match with my top hat on. And I went up to the counter to collect my dole and the gentleman behind the counter who had always been terribly nice to me before said "where are you going today Mr Nimmo?" I said "oh I’m..." He said "are you going to a wedding?" I said "no I’m going to a cricket match" and I wandered out. And he was always horrible to me after that. Um, ah... BUZZ DN: Oh! NP: Andree Melly, you challenged. ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes. Twenty seconds left and you begin now. AM: When I wear a top hat, I also wear tails and pinstripe trousers and a waistcoat. I have various... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge? DN: I was going to ask the colour of her top hat, but no, it doesn’t matter. NP: That has absolutely nothing to do with the game. All that happens is Andree Melly gains a point and she carries on for 15 seconds with when I wear a top hat starting now. AM: I go to fancy dress balls like the Chelsea Art Ball on New Year’s Eve... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged again. DN: Deviation, it sounds most devious to me, her striding out to a fancy dress ball... NP: At fancy dress balls, you can be as devious as you wish. Therefore this is not a valid challenge. Andree Melly has another point, 10 seconds for when I wear a top hat and you begin now. AM: And I put on shiny black shoes and black socks, a bow tie and a white... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation. She’s got away from the top hat. NP: Yes I think she’s going a little bit devious now, all right. Clement Freud has a point and he begins now. CF: When I wear such a garment, it is always to go to Royal Ascot to which I’ve never yet been invited. It goes with the territory... HOOTER NP: So Clement Freud got a point as he was speaking when the hooter went. Andree Melly shall we begin with you this time and the subject is introducing people and you begin now. AM: I’m very bad at this. I can never remember people’s names. And being an actress, sometimes when I’m in my dressing room, people go out and see me and I don;t know who they are. I have a special technique which is to say to the first person "oh I believe you two know each other, don’t you?" Then I get very busy picking up some false eyelashes and I hear them say "no I don’t think we’ve ever met, my name’s Joe Bloggs, what’s yours?" And they say "Fanny Adams" and then I know who they both are! There is another technique... BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes you have challenged, what is your challenge? CHARMIAN INNES: I would say she’s hesitating. NP: Um it is very debatable if she was. I will give it to you with a point so will you take up the subject of introducing people with 32 seconds left starting now. CI: The best people to introduce people are professional comperes. I can’t do this myself because they call me a commere which is a foul word to be introduced by to anybody. My mother has a system when she can’t remember people’s names on introductions. She turns to the ones she doesn’t know and says "oh let me see, how is it you spell your surname?" And they always say "well, R-O-B-I-N-S-O-N". It doesn’t work with Jones terribly well, but it’s frightfully good with things like Nimmo, which could be N-Y-M-O and Finnish. The first time I was... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why... DN: Deviation, it’s not Finnish, it’s Scottish. CI: But it sounds Finnish. NP: All right then, I will give you a point because that’s a rather subtle type of deviation and you have one second left for the subject of introducing people, Derek Nimmo, starting now. DN: Clement Freud! BUZZ HOOTER NP: In actual fact by my ear Charmian Innes challenged before the hooter. So what is it Charmian? What did you challenge for? CI: Nothing really, I just thought somebody ought to! NP: Well that was a very good try but all it does is to give Derek Nimmo another point I’m afraid. CI: Well I don’t mind he’s lovely really, and he’s Scottish and so am I, you see. NP: Well there we are, Derek Nimmo now has two points, Andree Melly has three... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud? CF: That’s repetition, they’re both Scottish. NP: But we’re not playing the game, well tried. Clement it is your turn to begin, how would you like to interpret this subject? Can you talk please for 60 seconds on drunkenness starting now. CF: Drunkenness is euphoria. It is a lovely state to be in. And you generally get into it by drinking alcoholic beverages such as metholated mac which is a mixture of metholated spirits and ginger wine. Or perhaps more traditional drinks like whisky, which comes from where Derek Nimmo and Charmian Innes come from, sort of west of Ireland... BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes. CI: Rather a long breath before he started again. Should that be hesitation. NP: Ah it might have been. I would have had him for deviation because I would have thought Scotland’s not really... oh some of it’s out west of Ireland, isn’t it... um I will give you hesitation though. Drunkenness, Charmian Innes... CF: It’s all east of Ireland! NP: It’s all east of Ireland actually! It’s east of Ireland so it was deviation. All right, I knew I was right, it’s just I don’t know my left from my right or my east from my west. So anyway drunkenness for you Charmian Innes, there are 32 seconds left and you begin now. CI: Drunkenness can also be from the spirit, not merely from alcohol. One can be drunk from power if one manages to talk for a minute on this programme and make sense without anybody doing anything with er weurgh weurgh... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud yes? CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes I’m glad you tried to lift the tone from that metholated spirits. I’m sure if you drank what Clement Freud said, you would not be feeling a state of euphoria as he said. Clement can you raise the tone a little with 20 seconds left and the subject of drunkenness starting now. CF: Perhaps the nicest way to attain this state is to take equal measures of champagne and fresh orange juice, have both at a good cold temperature, put them into a frosty glass and drink the mixture which is called Buck’s Fizz and makes you feel absolutely terrible the next day when you take the small white tablet, put it into your mouth with water... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged. DN: He’s talking about hangovers now, not drunkenness. CF: Oh no. DN: Small white tablets going in water, deviation. NP: Well yes but, it was, it was still to do with drunkenness. No I think it was, it was a very clever try but I think, I think I’m still with Clement Freud. You still have one second left and an extra point, drunkenness and you begin now. CF: In the ginger beer... HOOTER NP: I’m sorry Derek it was a very good try. Charmian Innes, holiday brochures starting now. CI: Holiday brochures are most people’s winter reading along with the seed catalogue. As soon as you’ve finished your holiday in July or August or even May for that matter, the pressures arrive two weeks later and you spend the rest of the time wishing your life away until you can take the next passage on an airplane to Palmas, Majorca or to Italy or to France or to Cricklewood if you so prefer. Holiday brochures have always got girls in beautiful bikinis on the front with lovely tans and make your husbands drool. They always hope when you get there, you’ll look like it... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation, I have a holiday brochure with an old horse on the cover. NP: Ah... CF: There was a categorical "holiday brochures always have" which was... NP: Yes all right, I think that’s clever, because that is true. They don’t always have, so therefore it is justified. Ah you have an extra point, you have 27 seconds for holiday brochures, Clement Freud, and you begin now. CF: Holiday brochures continually advertise tours called all in tours which reflect the state in which you find yourself when you get there. They are absolutely wretched things because it keeps saying "this is not inclusive" meaning that for eight days you have to go without food and water if you want to take part in this inclusive tour which I think one ought not to buy this sort of brochure for. And as it costs no money... it must be time! HOOTER NP: Well there was borderline cases of deviation as well, there’s all kinds of things there. First of all, they don’t sell the brochures, They’re all given away free! CF: And I swallowed a peppermint in the middle of it as well. NP: That was one of the most devious ways I can think of, playing this game. Andree Melly it is your turn to begin. An exotic dish, beginning now. AM: The most exotic dish I know is something called ye olde drunkey chicken which I found in a recipe book called The Ancient Chinese Recipe Book. You take a perfectly sober chicken and you pit it in a saucepan with cold water, you bring it to the boil. Then remove it from the heat, let it cool in the water. You then remove it and put it in a cassarole and pour a whole bottle of sherry over it, which is exotic but extremely expensive. And then put it in the fridge for a whole week. You... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes definitely. An exotic dish from you Clement Freud with 25 seconds left starting now. CF: The most exotic dish I know is the Quenelle de Sole Mon Rush and the way you make it... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Well he’s just showing off! Because he’s an expert. NP: Yes but he’s still on exotic dish. So we’re still with you Clement Freud, you begin now. CF: You take this... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Hesitation. NP: An exotic dish from you Derek beginning now. DN: The most exotic dish I know was made in Staffordshire in the 18th century... by Mr Ralph Wood... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly you challenged. AM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, there are seven seconds left Andree starting now. AM: After a week yyou remove this chicken which is now paralytic from the fridge, take it... BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes why... CI: Awful long breath before and, I thought. Hesitation? NP: No, you could have had her for repetition of this chicken... CI: Oh that and all. NP: It’s too late I’m afraid. We are still with you Andree, two seconds left for your exotic dish, your horrible chicken, and you start now. AM: Carve it... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. And two seconds left Clement starting now. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, one second left starting now. DN: Hopefully I’ve proved now... HOOTER NP: I award a point to Ian Messiter for his exhibition of um I can’t think of the word, paratism, para, para, oh I don’t know, let’s forget about it! Clement Freud we’ll sort out the score and I think I’m right in saying you now have 13, Derek Nimmo now has eight, Andree Melly has seven and Charmian Innes who didn’t challenge in that last melee still has two. But we’ll no doubt put that right before long. Uniform, there’s an all embracive and severe subject or maybe not for Clement Freud to begin for 60 seconds starting now. CF: When I joined the Army I was issued with a uniform... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. Why did you challenge? DN: Repetition. NP: Why? DN: Well uniform means the same and by definition they must be repetitious. NP: Oh very clever! Very clever! Think of another clever one and you might get it next time. But not this time I’m sorry. Uniform Clement Freud starting now. CF: The garment I was issued did not fit. And it was explained to me that this was the King’s uniform and I... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Snobbery! NP: I won’t give you a point for snobbery, I might for repetition. We’re still with Clement Freud, an extra point, and you begin now. CF: And as His Majesty was taller than I at the time, it was obviously bound not to fit. As a result of this, I was also given a rifle and an orange cap and sent out on to the square where a number of other young men similarly attired also given rifles and orange caps flung these weapons about on to their shoulders, off the ground, on their hips and marched off into the middle distance, while the man who also wore the same sort of khaki trousers, shirt, tie and cap shouted orders like "goodbye" which is the only thing that he could think of at the time... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: I don’t know what he’s talking about! NP: Well I think anybody whos’ been in the Army has got a very clear picture of it. And we’re absolutely with you, Clement Freud, on this one! And he actually got a round of applause for it. You have... yes you can clap if you like! It doesn’t make any difference to Clement’s time, you still have 14 seconds left for the subject of uniform starting now. CF: On the great day when I got my officer’s uniform everybody around clapped all the time because they said "what a splendid uniform you’re wearing and how attractive you are..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition, he said uniform seven times. CF: It is desperate! We’ve heard it all before for weeks and weeks and weeks! NP: You don’t get any extra points for going on, I’m very sorry Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo now has the subject because we did have too many uniforms, seven seconds left for uniform starting now. DN: If all the people on this earth had balding heads and little beards... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Deviation. NP: I think you’re right. I don’t see... DN: Why? NP: You didn’t... AM: What balding heads? NP: You didn’t justify yourself... DN: If you let me finish my sentence. NP: You finish it but you will have to have a very clever finish to justify it. DN: Well I was going to say if all the people on this earth had balding heads and little beards they would be curiously uniform! NP: All right! All right I will grant you an extra point, you have two seconds left, uniform, Derek Nimmo and you begin now. DN: A black top hat and striped trousers... HOOTER NP: Charmian Innes, it is your turn to begin. A really feminine subject, I’m sure, going to the hairdresser, starting now. CI: Going to the hairdresser, the first thing that you need is hair. The second thing you need is a complete inability to do your own. The first thing you do in a hairdresser is remove your coat and hand it to a lady who you have to give a shilling to. You are then shampooed by a lady you will have to tip one and six pence to, and styled not coiffured by a stylist whom you will hand anything between five and 10 shillings to. If you can negotiate... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation it was, and will you take over the subject of going to the hairdresser Derek starting now. DN: I walk out of my flat and along the pavement very slowly when I go to the hairdresser. Then I board a number 74 bus. I get off at Gloucester Road, walk along Gloucester Road and down into the underground station. I then go up to a little window and say to the gentleman there "can I have..." BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes why have you challenged? CI: Well I think it’s deviation because he might be going anywhere, not just the hairdresser.. And anyway it ought to be a barber. DN: No, I’m going to the hairdresser. Very slowly! NP: No, no, it’s a good try Charmian but it’s still with Derek, going to the hairdresser starting now. DN: Then I buy my ticket and go down into the underground. I then wait for a train to arrive, get on the train and sit next to whoever happens to be sitting next to me. I travel through to Piccadilly Circus, I come up the escalator... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: You can’t travel through from Gloucester Road to Piccadilly Circus! It’s deviation. NP: The audience tells us you can. CF: Not on the inner circle, you can’t! DN: No you can’t, I’m on the Piccadilly Line. NP: Everybody’s having a lot of discussion amongst themselves. I have to make the final decision and the audience have obviously travelled this way and Derek Nimmo seems to have traveled this way. So we’re still travelling with you Derek, with five seconds left starting now. DN: Into Piccadilly Circus I come... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition. NP: Yes we’ve had a lot of Piccadilly Circus, yes. Going to the hairdresser Clement Freud starting now. CF: This is an entirely pleasurable operation... BUZZ HOOTER NP: Andree Melly actually buzzed just a fraction before the hooter so what was your challenge Andree? AM: Mine was hesitation, he said it was a pleasure-able operation. NP: I will not grant it, I’m sorry, no... CF: Quite! NP: Now Derek Nimmo it is your turn to begin and I think it’s about time we had a penalty because you’re all playing the game so well. So I’ll mention the subject first to give you a moment’s thought about it, writing thank you letters. We want you to talk about it for Just A Minute and never mention the word and. If you can, starting now. DN: Writing thank you letters is a curious English invention. It causes great misfortune to small children just before Christmas because they know that immediately after they’ve received those lovely inviting presents underneath the tree... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Mistake, no, I’m sorry. NP: We were talking about slips, last week, and this happened. Right, writing thank you letters, I won’t penalise anybody at this point. With, oh, a lot of time left, no ands, Derek Nimmo, starting now. DN: And... HOOTER NP: Clement Freud did press his buzzer! DN: Now may I just justify that? NP: All right, you’ll have to be clever again though. DN: Andrew is a friend staying with me! NP: Now Derek we only have your word for that! DN: Well I presumably laid this trap for old Freud! NP: Yes! As I get brickbats from the other three if I give a point to somebody else, I’m not going to be the final judge of this. I’m going to let our delightful audience sitting here decide whether you think he was going to say Andrew or not. If you agree, if you think he was going to say Andrew will you cheer. And if you don’t think he was, boo, and do it now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: The cheers had it! So you were going to say Andrew and you have a point, you have the subject of writing thank you letters, with no ands, and no more Andrews either! Starting now. DN: And... BUZZ DN: ..drocles and the Lion... NP: What did you say? DN: Androcles and the Lion! NP: Right! Nobody challenged! Nobody challenged! DN: You asked me to clarify! NP: Charmian you challenged. CI: Because of Androcles and! I didn’t think it was Androcles Andrew! NP: Very clever! Androcles and the Lion. You’re quite right, there is an and! Um, Charmian Innes there are 40 seconds left for writing thank you letters, no and, no Andrew, no Androcles, starting now. CI: The trouble with writing these letters is when you do, you’ve usually forgotten what present people gave you. And... ahhhhhh! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud, writing thank you letters, no ands, starting now. CF: The best way to do it is to get a piece of paper, then reach for a pencil or a pen. Using all these paraphernelia gathered together you proceed to press down upon the paper with whichever you’ve chosen to write with. Then say dear Mrs... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think so, yes, it’s very difficult. Writing thank you letters, no ands, starting now. DN: The best way is to write on... BUZZ CF: One hesitation. NP: One hesitation, right. Writing thank you letters, no ands, Clement Freud, 10 seconds left starting now. CF: Mrs Jones... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Two hesitations! NP: No hesitation, Clement Freud it’s still with you and nine seconds starting now. CF: My beloved Mrs Brown it is with tremendous pleasure that I received your beautiful present which my family, my sister, my mother... BUZZ HOOTER NP: No Derek Nimmo was in first. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes. CF: I was waiting for the beep! NP: I know you were. And we were waiting for an and and it almost came too! Derek Nimmo there are two seconds left, writing thank you letters, no ands and you begin now. DN: One must write to lots of people and therefore thank them for all their presents... HOOTER NP: Charmian tried very hard! Derek Nimmo is catching up Clement Freud. Andree Melly um a subject for you, yes, pantomimies and we don’t mention the word a, and you begin now. AM: Nursery rhymes! Nursery stories I all.. oh! BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes. CI: The poor girl. Such hesitation! NP: Such hesitation. Pantomimes, no as... AM: That’s true. NP: No ands, with you Charmian Innes, starting now. CI: See your entertainment... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: As she is behind, it’s very debatable. I’m going to give Charmian Innes a point and say she didn’t hesitate. Pantomimes, no as, no ands, starting now. CI: Pantomime principal boys are no longer played by girls with lovely legs but by young men with lovely voices, these days. Looking very like Derek Nimmo and sounding very like Clement Freud! Which is much nicer for the women in the audience because at least we have something to look at which isn’t our own sex, making it bread plus bread. The one thing about pantomime is the fairy who is always very beautiful and sings rather flat. Nevertheless she is a magical creature... ahhhh! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: A. NP: Pantomimes, no as, no ands starting now Clement Freud. CF: The lights go up in the theatres all over the world. And small children... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, because pantomimes only take place in this country. NP: I know it’s traditionally British but I don’t think there are no pantomimes in other countries so I don’t think so, no. Clement Freud you have eight seconds for pantomimes, no as, no ands, and starting now. CF: And audiences all over the world wish they could see pantomimes rather than the awful things they see... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Pantomimes, he has said pantomimes before. NP: Yes he has said quite a lot of pantomimes. You have three seconds left for pantomimes, no as, no ands, Derek Nimmo, starting now. DN: Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP:Hesitation, pantomimes starting now. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. Derek Nimmo, start now. DN: Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Hesitation. NP: Two seconds left, starting now. AM: Opening choruses are what I like... HOOTER NP: They’ve got so good at the game you can see I’m even devising ways of trying to trip them up. Anyway Clement Freud is still in the lead with 25 points, Derek Nimmo has 20 and the two girls are exactly equal, Andree Melly and Charmian Innes third. Clement Freud it’s your turn to begin and this will be the last round, I’m afraid. Fingernails, no penalties this time, nice and bright, and quick I think, starting now. CF: I have 10 nice bright quick fingernails. Many of them find themselves at the ends of my fingers. And in the early days I’m told that I used to bite them, which I gave up when I was actually eight months old. I now polish them, varnish them, file them, occasionally cut them, store them in a matchbox... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Effeminate! NP: So? What’s your challenge? DN: Deviation. NP: I don’t think he was justified. Clement Freud, we’re still with fingernails and you have 45 seconds and you start now. CF: Many nutritional experts feel that fingernails don’t provide a complete diet. And therefore if you bite your fingernails and put them into a matchbox it’s a very good idea to put some yeast extract or other nourishing food on to it so you have something that will really give you stamina and energy to last... BUZZ NP: Ah Andree Melly why... AM: It’s disgusting! Deviation! NP: It might be disgusting but it is not deviation within the terms of the game. AM: I... NP: So fingernails with you and how many seconds, Ian Messiter? Twenty-five starting now. CF: It was 22 last time! BUZZ NP: No it wasn’t, it was 43. CF: It’s got longer! NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Well deviation. You said starting now, he said it’s only 22 last time. NP: I know. I said... CF: I was going to say 22 fingernails! NP: I said 42! Derek Nimmo you have the subject of fingernail with twenty... 24 seconds left starting now. DN: I don’t like my fingernails very much. I noticed them when I was quite young really when I was about two or three months. And I looked at them with puzzlement. I do find them a most curious thing. If you ever looked at your fingernails you’ll realise that they;re some of the most ridiculous things that you’ve ever seen in your life. They’ve got a bit of white stuff at the end, very odd isn’t it really. And it goes sticking up, all that little bit of decayed part or whatever it is, they’re very unsightly things... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Even more disgusting. NP: But accurate. So Derek Nimmo, go on describing these revolting fingernails of yours with two seconds left starting now. DN: One has to be very careful of matchboxes because if you open them... HOOTER NP: Derek Nimmo hasn’t quite caught up Clement Freud. So once again Clement Freud you have won this round of Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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