JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly,CInnes
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, ANDREE MELLY and CHARMIAN INNES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 March 1968)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Andree Melly and Charmian Innes in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is the Man of the Minute, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and once again, hello and welcome to this particular game. May I remind you of the rules. Each person must speak for Just A Minute without hesitation, without deviation and without repetition. I almost forgot them myself, you see. Anyway on some unlikely subject which I will suddenly give to them. And the other three can try and gain points for themselves by challenging. If I uphold their challenge, they will gain a point and the subject, and if I donít the person whoís speaking will gain a point. Let us start with Derek Nimmo and here is a subject for you Derek. When I wear a top hat. Talk if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I wear a top hat infrequently, and would like to wear it perhaps more frequently. It seems to me to be limited really, to a wedding perhaps, and memorial services. But one can also wear it to the Eton-Harrow cricket match and look rather splendid in that case. I remember one wearing one once. I was on the dole at the time and going to the Labour Exchange on my way to the Eton-Harrow cricket match with my top hat on. And I went up to the counter to collect my dole and the gentleman behind the counter who had always been terribly nice to me before said "where are you going today Mr Nimmo?" I said "oh Iím..." He said "are you going to a wedding?" I said "no Iím going to a cricket match" and I wandered out. And he was always horrible to me after that. Um, ah...

BUZZ

DN: Oh!

NP: Andree Melly, you challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. Twenty seconds left and you begin now.

AM: When I wear a top hat, I also wear tails and pinstripe trousers and a waistcoat. I have various...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge?

DN: I was going to ask the colour of her top hat, but no, it doesnít matter.

NP: That has absolutely nothing to do with the game. All that happens is Andree Melly gains a point and she carries on for 15 seconds with when I wear a top hat starting now.

AM: I go to fancy dress balls like the Chelsea Art Ball on New Yearís Eve...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged again.

DN: Deviation, it sounds most devious to me, her striding out to a fancy dress ball...

NP: At fancy dress balls, you can be as devious as you wish. Therefore this is not a valid challenge. Andree Melly has another point, 10 seconds for when I wear a top hat and you begin now.

AM: And I put on shiny black shoes and black socks, a bow tie and a white...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation. Sheís got away from the top hat.

NP: Yes I think sheís going a little bit devious now, all right. Clement Freud has a point and he begins now.

CF: When I wear such a garment, it is always to go to Royal Ascot to which Iíve never yet been invited. It goes with the territory...

HOOTER

NP: So Clement Freud got a point as he was speaking when the hooter went. Andree Melly shall we begin with you this time and the subject is introducing people and you begin now.

AM: Iím very bad at this. I can never remember peopleís names. And being an actress, sometimes when Iím in my dressing room, people go out and see me and I don;t know who they are. I have a special technique which is to say to the first person "oh I believe you two know each other, donít you?" Then I get very busy picking up some false eyelashes and I hear them say "no I donít think weíve ever met, my nameís Joe Bloggs, whatís yours?" And they say "Fanny Adams" and then I know who they both are! There is another technique...

BUZZ

NP: Charmian Innes you have challenged, what is your challenge?

CHARMIAN INNES: I would say sheís hesitating.

NP: Um it is very debatable if she was. I will give it to you with a point so will you take up the subject of introducing people with 32 seconds left starting now.

CI: The best people to introduce people are professional comperes. I canít do this myself because they call me a commere which is a foul word to be introduced by to anybody. My mother has a system when she canít remember peopleís names on introductions. She turns to the ones she doesnít know and says "oh let me see, how is it you spell your surname?" And they always say "well, R-O-B-I-N-S-O-N". It doesnít work with Jones terribly well, but itís frightfully good with things like Nimmo, which could be N-Y-M-O and Finnish. The first time I was...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why...

DN: Deviation, itís not Finnish, itís Scottish.

CI: But it sounds Finnish.

NP: All right then, I will give you a point because thatís a rather subtle type of deviation and you have one second left for the subject of introducing people, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: Clement Freud!

BUZZ

HOOTER

NP: In actual fact by my ear Charmian Innes challenged before the hooter. So what is it Charmian? What did you challenge for?

CI: Nothing really, I just thought somebody ought to!

NP: Well that was a very good try but all it does is to give Derek Nimmo another point Iím afraid.

CI: Well I donít mind heís lovely really, and heís Scottish and so am I, you see.

NP: Well there we are, Derek Nimmo now has two points, Andree Melly has three...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud?

CF: Thatís repetition, theyíre both Scottish.

NP: But weíre not playing the game, well tried. Clement it is your turn to begin, how would you like to interpret this subject? Can you talk please for 60 seconds on drunkenness starting now.

CF: Drunkenness is euphoria. It is a lovely state to be in. And you generally get into it by drinking alcoholic beverages such as metholated mac which is a mixture of metholated spirits and ginger wine. Or perhaps more traditional drinks like whisky, which comes from where Derek Nimmo and Charmian Innes come from, sort of west of Ireland...

BUZZ

NP: Charmian Innes.

CI: Rather a long breath before he started again. Should that be hesitation.

NP: Ah it might have been. I would have had him for deviation because I would have thought Scotlandís not really... oh some of itís out west of Ireland, isnít it... um I will give you hesitation though. Drunkenness, Charmian Innes...

CF: Itís all east of Ireland!

NP: Itís all east of Ireland actually! Itís east of Ireland so it was deviation. All right, I knew I was right, itís just I donít know my left from my right or my east from my west. So anyway drunkenness for you Charmian Innes, there are 32 seconds left and you begin now.

CI: Drunkenness can also be from the spirit, not merely from alcohol. One can be drunk from power if one manages to talk for a minute on this programme and make sense without anybody doing anything with er weurgh weurgh...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud yes?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím glad you tried to lift the tone from that metholated spirits. Iím sure if you drank what Clement Freud said, you would not be feeling a state of euphoria as he said. Clement can you raise the tone a little with 20 seconds left and the subject of drunkenness starting now.

CF: Perhaps the nicest way to attain this state is to take equal measures of champagne and fresh orange juice, have both at a good cold temperature, put them into a frosty glass and drink the mixture which is called Buckís Fizz and makes you feel absolutely terrible the next day when you take the small white tablet, put it into your mouth with water...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged.

DN: Heís talking about hangovers now, not drunkenness.

CF: Oh no.

DN: Small white tablets going in water, deviation.

NP: Well yes but, it was, it was still to do with drunkenness. No I think it was, it was a very clever try but I think, I think Iím still with Clement Freud. You still have one second left and an extra point, drunkenness and you begin now.

CF: In the ginger beer...

HOOTER

NP: Iím sorry Derek it was a very good try. Charmian Innes, holiday brochures starting now.

CI: Holiday brochures are most peopleís winter reading along with the seed catalogue. As soon as youíve finished your holiday in July or August or even May for that matter, the pressures arrive two weeks later and you spend the rest of the time wishing your life away until you can take the next passage on an airplane to Palmas, Majorca or to Italy or to France or to Cricklewood if you so prefer. Holiday brochures have always got girls in beautiful bikinis on the front with lovely tans and make your husbands drool. They always hope when you get there, youíll look like it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation, I have a holiday brochure with an old horse on the cover.

NP: Ah...

CF: There was a categorical "holiday brochures always have" which was...

NP: Yes all right, I think thatís clever, because that is true. They donít always have, so therefore it is justified. Ah you have an extra point, you have 27 seconds for holiday brochures, Clement Freud, and you begin now.

CF: Holiday brochures continually advertise tours called all in tours which reflect the state in which you find yourself when you get there. They are absolutely wretched things because it keeps saying "this is not inclusive" meaning that for eight days you have to go without food and water if you want to take part in this inclusive tour which I think one ought not to buy this sort of brochure for. And as it costs no money... it must be time!

HOOTER

NP: Well there was borderline cases of deviation as well, thereís all kinds of things there. First of all, they donít sell the brochures, Theyíre all given away free!

CF: And I swallowed a peppermint in the middle of it as well.

NP: That was one of the most devious ways I can think of, playing this game. Andree Melly it is your turn to begin. An exotic dish, beginning now.

AM: The most exotic dish I know is something called ye olde drunkey chicken which I found in a recipe book called The Ancient Chinese Recipe Book. You take a perfectly sober chicken and you pit it in a saucepan with cold water, you bring it to the boil. Then remove it from the heat, let it cool in the water. You then remove it and put it in a cassarole and pour a whole bottle of sherry over it, which is exotic but extremely expensive. And then put it in the fridge for a whole week. You...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes definitely. An exotic dish from you Clement Freud with 25 seconds left starting now.

CF: The most exotic dish I know is the Quenelle de Sole Mon Rush and the way you make it...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Well heís just showing off! Because heís an expert.

NP: Yes but heís still on exotic dish. So weíre still with you Clement Freud, you begin now.

CF: You take this...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: An exotic dish from you Derek beginning now.

DN: The most exotic dish I know was made in Staffordshire in the 18th century... by Mr Ralph Wood...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, there are seven seconds left Andree starting now.

AM: After a week yyou remove this chicken which is now paralytic from the fridge, take it...

BUZZ

NP: Charmian Innes why...

CI: Awful long breath before and, I thought. Hesitation?

NP: No, you could have had her for repetition of this chicken...

CI: Oh that and all.

NP: Itís too late Iím afraid. We are still with you Andree, two seconds left for your exotic dish, your horrible chicken, and you start now.

AM: Carve it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. And two seconds left Clement starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, one second left starting now.

DN: Hopefully Iíve proved now...

HOOTER

NP: I award a point to Ian Messiter for his exhibition of um I canít think of the word, paratism, para, para, oh I donít know, letís forget about it! Clement Freud weíll sort out the score and I think Iím right in saying you now have 13, Derek Nimmo now has eight, Andree Melly has seven and Charmian Innes who didnít challenge in that last melee still has two. But weíll no doubt put that right before long. Uniform, thereís an all embracive and severe subject or maybe not for Clement Freud to begin for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: When I joined the Army I was issued with a uniform...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo. Why did you challenge?

DN: Repetition.

NP: Why?

DN: Well uniform means the same and by definition they must be repetitious.

NP: Oh very clever! Very clever! Think of another clever one and you might get it next time. But not this time Iím sorry. Uniform Clement Freud starting now.

CF: The garment I was issued did not fit. And it was explained to me that this was the Kingís uniform and I...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Snobbery!

NP: I wonít give you a point for snobbery, I might for repetition. Weíre still with Clement Freud, an extra point, and you begin now.

CF: And as His Majesty was taller than I at the time, it was obviously bound not to fit. As a result of this, I was also given a rifle and an orange cap and sent out on to the square where a number of other young men similarly attired also given rifles and orange caps flung these weapons about on to their shoulders, off the ground, on their hips and marched off into the middle distance, while the man who also wore the same sort of khaki trousers, shirt, tie and cap shouted orders like "goodbye" which is the only thing that he could think of at the time...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: I donít know what heís talking about!

NP: Well I think anybody whosí been in the Army has got a very clear picture of it. And weíre absolutely with you, Clement Freud, on this one! And he actually got a round of applause for it. You have... yes you can clap if you like! It doesnít make any difference to Clementís time, you still have 14 seconds left for the subject of uniform starting now.

CF: On the great day when I got my officerís uniform everybody around clapped all the time because they said "what a splendid uniform youíre wearing and how attractive you are..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition, he said uniform seven times.

CF: It is desperate! Weíve heard it all before for weeks and weeks and weeks!

NP: You donít get any extra points for going on, Iím very sorry Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo now has the subject because we did have too many uniforms, seven seconds left for uniform starting now.

DN: If all the people on this earth had balding heads and little beards...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Deviation.

NP: I think youíre right. I donít see...

DN: Why?

NP: You didnít...

AM: What balding heads?

NP: You didnít justify yourself...

DN: If you let me finish my sentence.

NP: You finish it but you will have to have a very clever finish to justify it.

DN: Well I was going to say if all the people on this earth had balding heads and little beards they would be curiously uniform!

NP: All right! All right I will grant you an extra point, you have two seconds left, uniform, Derek Nimmo and you begin now.

DN: A black top hat and striped trousers...

HOOTER

NP: Charmian Innes, it is your turn to begin. A really feminine subject, Iím sure, going to the hairdresser, starting now.

CI: Going to the hairdresser, the first thing that you need is hair. The second thing you need is a complete inability to do your own. The first thing you do in a hairdresser is remove your coat and hand it to a lady who you have to give a shilling to. You are then shampooed by a lady you will have to tip one and six pence to, and styled not coiffured by a stylist whom you will hand anything between five and 10 shillings to. If you can negotiate...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation it was, and will you take over the subject of going to the hairdresser Derek starting now.

DN: I walk out of my flat and along the pavement very slowly when I go to the hairdresser. Then I board a number 74 bus. I get off at Gloucester Road, walk along Gloucester Road and down into the underground station. I then go up to a little window and say to the gentleman there "can I have..."

BUZZ

NP: Charmian Innes why have you challenged?

CI: Well I think itís deviation because he might be going anywhere, not just the hairdresser.. And anyway it ought to be a barber.

DN: No, Iím going to the hairdresser. Very slowly!

NP: No, no, itís a good try Charmian but itís still with Derek, going to the hairdresser starting now.

DN: Then I buy my ticket and go down into the underground. I then wait for a train to arrive, get on the train and sit next to whoever happens to be sitting next to me. I travel through to Piccadilly Circus, I come up the escalator...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: You canít travel through from Gloucester Road to Piccadilly Circus! Itís deviation.

NP: The audience tells us you can.

CF: Not on the inner circle, you canít!

DN: No you canít, Iím on the Piccadilly Line.

NP: Everybodyís having a lot of discussion amongst themselves. I have to make the final decision and the audience have obviously travelled this way and Derek Nimmo seems to have traveled this way. So weíre still travelling with you Derek, with five seconds left starting now.

DN: Into Piccadilly Circus I come...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes weíve had a lot of Piccadilly Circus, yes. Going to the hairdresser Clement Freud starting now.

CF: This is an entirely pleasurable operation...

BUZZ

HOOTER

NP: Andree Melly actually buzzed just a fraction before the hooter so what was your challenge Andree?

AM: Mine was hesitation, he said it was a pleasure-able operation.

NP: I will not grant it, Iím sorry, no...

CF: Quite!

NP: Now Derek Nimmo it is your turn to begin and I think itís about time we had a penalty because youíre all playing the game so well. So Iíll mention the subject first to give you a momentís thought about it, writing thank you letters. We want you to talk about it for Just A Minute and never mention the word and. If you can, starting now.

DN: Writing thank you letters is a curious English invention. It causes great misfortune to small children just before Christmas because they know that immediately after theyíve received those lovely inviting presents underneath the tree...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Mistake, no, Iím sorry.

NP: We were talking about slips, last week, and this happened. Right, writing thank you letters, I wonít penalise anybody at this point. With, oh, a lot of time left, no ands, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: And...

HOOTER

NP: Clement Freud did press his buzzer!

DN: Now may I just justify that?

NP: All right, youíll have to be clever again though.

DN: Andrew is a friend staying with me!

NP: Now Derek we only have your word for that!

DN: Well I presumably laid this trap for old Freud!

NP: Yes! As I get brickbats from the other three if I give a point to somebody else, Iím not going to be the final judge of this. Iím going to let our delightful audience sitting here decide whether you think he was going to say Andrew or not. If you agree, if you think he was going to say Andrew will you cheer. And if you donít think he was, boo, and do it now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The cheers had it! So you were going to say Andrew and you have a point, you have the subject of writing thank you letters, with no ands, and no more Andrews either! Starting now.

DN: And...

BUZZ

DN: ..drocles and the Lion...

NP: What did you say?

DN: Androcles and the Lion!

NP: Right! Nobody challenged! Nobody challenged!

DN: You asked me to clarify!

NP: Charmian you challenged.

CI: Because of Androcles and! I didnít think it was Androcles Andrew!

NP: Very clever! Androcles and the Lion. Youíre quite right, there is an and! Um, Charmian Innes there are 40 seconds left for writing thank you letters, no and, no Andrew, no Androcles, starting now.

CI: The trouble with writing these letters is when you do, youíve usually forgotten what present people gave you. And... ahhhhhh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, writing thank you letters, no ands, starting now.

CF: The best way to do it is to get a piece of paper, then reach for a pencil or a pen. Using all these paraphernelia gathered together you proceed to press down upon the paper with whichever youíve chosen to write with. Then say dear Mrs...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so, yes, itís very difficult. Writing thank you letters, no ands, starting now.

DN: The best way is to write on...

BUZZ

CF: One hesitation.

NP: One hesitation, right. Writing thank you letters, no ands, Clement Freud, 10 seconds left starting now.

CF: Mrs Jones...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Two hesitations!

NP: No hesitation, Clement Freud itís still with you and nine seconds starting now.

CF: My beloved Mrs Brown it is with tremendous pleasure that I received your beautiful present which my family, my sister, my mother...

BUZZ

HOOTER

NP: No Derek Nimmo was in first.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes.

CF: I was waiting for the beep!

NP: I know you were. And we were waiting for an and and it almost came too! Derek Nimmo there are two seconds left, writing thank you letters, no ands and you begin now.

DN: One must write to lots of people and therefore thank them for all their presents...

HOOTER

NP: Charmian tried very hard! Derek Nimmo is catching up Clement Freud. Andree Melly um a subject for you, yes, pantomimies and we donít mention the word a, and you begin now.

AM: Nursery rhymes! Nursery stories I all.. oh!

BUZZ

NP: Charmian Innes.

CI: The poor girl. Such hesitation!

NP: Such hesitation. Pantomimes, no as...

AM: Thatís true.

NP: No ands, with you Charmian Innes, starting now.

CI: See your entertainment...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: As she is behind, itís very debatable. Iím going to give Charmian Innes a point and say she didnít hesitate. Pantomimes, no as, no ands, starting now.

CI: Pantomime principal boys are no longer played by girls with lovely legs but by young men with lovely voices, these days. Looking very like Derek Nimmo and sounding very like Clement Freud! Which is much nicer for the women in the audience because at least we have something to look at which isnít our own sex, making it bread plus bread. The one thing about pantomime is the fairy who is always very beautiful and sings rather flat. Nevertheless she is a magical creature... ahhhh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: A.

NP: Pantomimes, no as, no ands starting now Clement Freud.

CF: The lights go up in the theatres all over the world. And small children...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Deviation, because pantomimes only take place in this country.

NP: I know itís traditionally British but I donít think there are no pantomimes in other countries so I donít think so, no. Clement Freud you have eight seconds for pantomimes, no as, no ands, and starting now.

CF: And audiences all over the world wish they could see pantomimes rather than the awful things they see...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Pantomimes, he has said pantomimes before.

NP: Yes he has said quite a lot of pantomimes. You have three seconds left for pantomimes, no as, no ands, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP:Hesitation, pantomimes starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Derek Nimmo, start now.

DN: Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Two seconds left, starting now.

AM: Opening choruses are what I like...

HOOTER

NP: Theyíve got so good at the game you can see Iím even devising ways of trying to trip them up. Anyway Clement Freud is still in the lead with 25 points, Derek Nimmo has 20 and the two girls are exactly equal, Andree Melly and Charmian Innes third. Clement Freud itís your turn to begin and this will be the last round, Iím afraid. Fingernails, no penalties this time, nice and bright, and quick I think, starting now.

CF: I have 10 nice bright quick fingernails. Many of them find themselves at the ends of my fingers. And in the early days Iím told that I used to bite them, which I gave up when I was actually eight months old. I now polish them, varnish them, file them, occasionally cut them, store them in a matchbox...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Effeminate!

NP: So? Whatís your challenge?

DN: Deviation.

NP: I donít think he was justified. Clement Freud, weíre still with fingernails and you have 45 seconds and you start now.

CF: Many nutritional experts feel that fingernails donít provide a complete diet. And therefore if you bite your fingernails and put them into a matchbox itís a very good idea to put some yeast extract or other nourishing food on to it so you have something that will really give you stamina and energy to last...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Andree Melly why...

AM: Itís disgusting! Deviation!

NP: It might be disgusting but it is not deviation within the terms of the game.

AM: I...

NP: So fingernails with you and how many seconds, Ian Messiter? Twenty-five starting now.

CF: It was 22 last time!

BUZZ

NP: No it wasnít, it was 43.

CF: Itís got longer!

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well deviation. You said starting now, he said itís only 22 last time.

NP: I know. I said...

CF: I was going to say 22 fingernails!

NP: I said 42! Derek Nimmo you have the subject of fingernail with twenty... 24 seconds left starting now.

DN: I donít like my fingernails very much. I noticed them when I was quite young really when I was about two or three months. And I looked at them with puzzlement. I do find them a most curious thing. If you ever looked at your fingernails youíll realise that they;re some of the most ridiculous things that youíve ever seen in your life. Theyíve got a bit of white stuff at the end, very odd isnít it really. And it goes sticking up, all that little bit of decayed part or whatever it is, theyíre very unsightly things...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Even more disgusting.

NP: But accurate. So Derek Nimmo, go on describing these revolting fingernails of yours with two seconds left starting now.

DN: One has to be very careful of matchboxes because if you open them...

HOOTER

NP: Derek Nimmo hasnít quite caught up Clement Freud. So once again Clement Freud you have won this round of Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.