JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,WRichard
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and WENDY RICHARD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 January 1992)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute.

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Walltz fades away once more, itís my pleasure to introduce the four diverse personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back four of our longest players of the game, that is Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Clement Freud, and also someone whoís been playing it now with great success for a number of years, that is Wendy Richard. Will you please welcome all four of them. Beside me sits Anne Ling to keep the score and blow her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And as usual Iím going to ask out four players of the game to speak on the subject I give them without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek, the subject, this and that. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: A rather nice open subject, this and that. I like going for instance to Founderís Day at Chelsea Hospital when the statue of Charles the Second is covered with oak leaves and everybody lines up and all the soldiers walk past and salute. The only time when itís allowed with the left hand. Thatís terribly moving to the boys of the Old Brigade. Or perhaps to go to luncheon there after Mattins when youíve given a carrot and the occasional pea to taste...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Is this strictly adhering to the subject, this and that?

NP: That is the most difficult decision Iíve had to make for a very long time! I would say it wasnít because he was being very specific about the Chelsea Hospital. So you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of this and that starting now.

PJ: Well itís a sort of vague and... indecisive remark...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

PJ: What?

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was. It was sort of vague and um indecisive and you were utterly indecisive.

PJ: Yes I suppose I was.

NP: Hesitation. So Clement...

PJ: Very moving!

NP: ...yiu have a correct challenge and another point and you have 31 seconds which are left to talk about this and that starting now.

CF: This and that is pretty well what most political parties stand for. You go to the hustings and hear them say "vote for us and you will get this and that". Also the square root, the logarithmic value, plus and minus, a game of two halves. No-one is particularly interested or to put it another way, the sum of the square of the other two sides. And I canít object to any of those statements because this and that being an open...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud most successfully kept going on this and that until the whistle went. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point and it was of course Clement Freud. And nobody spotted there were two squares in his speech. But Clement, youíre in the lead at the end of the first round...

DN: But old Parsons, clever dick, did!

NP: As chairman I have to concentrate. And you might be surprised to discover I actually get letters from people who spot it, listening at home, and say you didnít pull him up for that. But when they...

PJ: They canít be people with a full-time job either! Waste of time writing letters to chairmen of panel games. I mean, what a ridiculous way to pass the time!

NP: It depends on the chairman perhaps Peter.

DN: Absolutely!

PJ: Ah yes!

NP: All right, we press on. Wendy Richard your turn to begin, the subject, taking sides. Will you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

WENDY RICHARD: When I am taking sides, I usually tend to go for the underdog. I always try to help as much as I possibly can which is why I let Clement say whatever it was he repeated...

BUZZ

WR: What?

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

WR: Youíre doing that to me again. I was just going to say something nice about you.

NP: Clement what was your challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít think it was hesitation.

WR: You canít even draw for breath now!

NP: I give you the benefit of the doubt. It wasnít hesitation. You have a point for an incorrect challenge and you continue on taking sides, 48 seconds, starting now.

WR: Well after that Iím not taking sides with Clement at all!

BUZZ

WR: What?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Clement.

NP: Yes.

WR: I just wanted to remind the listeners you were still here! As if we could possibly forget!

NP: That was a correct challenge so Clement there are now 44 seconds left, taking sides, starting now.

CF: If you take three sides of smoked salmon and stuff them with a mixture of shrimp, prawn, octopus, horse, cow, lamb...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard has challenged.

WR: Heís listing again!

NP: I know heís listing...

WR: He always does it. He starts doing lists!

NP: Well what, what is your challenge?

WR: Because...

NP: On the rules of Just A Minute.

WR: Well it should be deviation, hesitation and repetition and list. Because he does it every time!

PJ: Yes I agree with that! Yes!

NP: Well youíve got to keep going somehow. So Clement the subject is still taking sides and you have 30 seconds starting now.

CF: I always try and keep Wendy Richard on my side. Because sheís such an immensely agreebale warm talented and comfortable person to whom to sit near. And if you take one side of beef and marinate it for 27 minutes, thereís no reason at all why if you boiled it or perhaps poached would be a more suitable way...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He mentioned beef earlier. In that list.

CF: No.

DN: Horse, we had horse.

WR: He said cow.

NP: It was a long list but the beef wasnít mentioned, was it? No, oh Iím sorry Peter no.

PJ: Oh.

NP: He didnít. And ah so ah Clement thereís still five seconds for you to tell us more about taking sides starting now.

CF: You can take the side of a house and push very hard indeed and it may easily fall over...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And ah has increased his lead at the end of that round. And itís Peterís turn to begin. Peter the subject is change. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PJ: Well change is something weíve all got to get used to. And the older we get the more difficult it becomes. The names of African countries change all the time. As does the Cabinet, for instance. And the... money changes..

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: I think there was a slight hesitation there.

NP: Yes I think...

PJ: Very slight, yes. Wonderful hearing! I do congratulate you! I think um itís amazing really for a woman of her age!

NP: You get no quarter here Iím afraid Wendy.

WR: No!

NP: But you got a point for a correct challenge which is important in this show and you have 45 seconds to tell us something about change starting now.

WR: I hate change. I especially dislike the way they are changing our money. Those new little coins which are neither use nor ornament. And the 5p pieces are very easy to miss, misplace...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Um hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes yes, or repetition of miss. Thirty seconds Derek for you to tell us something about change starting now.

DN: Well I suppose the nicest kind of change that I like listening to is that of the campologist. Now in the tower of my local church in Eastern Mauden in Northamptonshire we have six bells working now. And the number of variations of change you can get with the permutating them, er one, er...

BUZZ

NP: So Wendy got in first, hesitation Wendy, 14 seconds left, change starting now.

WR: I hate change in buildings...

BUZZ

WR: What?

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two hates.

NP: You said I hate before, yes.

WR: Oh crumbs! I keep forgetting!

NP: Yes! So Derekís got back very rapidly, 11 seconds on change Derek, starting now.

DN: I suppose one of the people who changed most frequently was the Rector of the Seaside hamlet where the Michel Roux has his most splendid restaurant now. And through the reigns...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so at the end of that round Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went, got a extra point. Heís moved forward in second place alongside Wendy Richard. Clement Freud still in the lead and then itís Peter Jones. And Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, the subject, red tape. Well having been in Parliament Iím sure youíve got some experience of that. But can you talk on the subject starting now.

CF: I think Red Tape was one of Sitting Bullís sons. The others were Heliotrope Dick, Bald John and Iím not really certain. Itís an odd thing how these Indian chieftains never seem to have daughters...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation. I canít believe someone was called Heliotrope Dick!

NP: No!

DN: Whatever his inadequacies were!

NP: I think it was a wonderful flight of fantasy. And Iím inclined to agree with Derek...

CF: What was the challenge?

NP: The challenge was deviation. And Derek you have 44 seconds to tell us something about red tape starting now.

DN: Red tape was actually tied around government documents and then became known as that which stopped the easy flow of exchange of information and prevented you from doing things because of red tape. Because thatís how we use it now. And I think if you go along to any kind of office, peopled by civil servants you will come up across red tape. Theyíre intensely irritating...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Not quite right, come up across.

NP: Yes I..

PJ: Not quite right.

NP: I think it was deviation from grammar, isnít it.

PJ: I think it is. Yes.

NP: You canít come up across.

PJ: No, no, I donít know what...

DN: No, no, I quite agree.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes. So Peter you spotted it, red tape is with you now and 22 seconds are left starting now.

PJ: Red tape is usually actually pink. It isnít heliotrope or even red. Itís a shade lighter than surprise er whatever it is, er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Derek, another point to you and 11 seconds are left for red tape starting now.

DN: At Yuletide I buy great quantities of red tape to tie around the parcels that I put underneath the tree. Waiting for the great day when the presents will be unwrapped in front of all my family...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo kept going till the whistle went and has moved forward with another point for speaking as, ah the end, and heís now equal with Clement Freud in the lead. Derek itís your turn to begin and itís list. (laughs) I didnít know this was coming up after your challenge. So the subject is list, Derek, a minute as usual starting now.

DN: Frank Liszt was born in Hungary in the early 19th century and achieved tremendous renown as a child prodigy. At nine years old he came to Great Britain no less than four times. When he fell under the influence of Paganini which is surprising because he is a violinist. But he thought he wanted to be to... the piano...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Hesitation.

NP: Oh no I think that was a bit sharp. He was sort of, he did keep going. It was a... youíre on her side arenít you?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

WR: He was struggling there, Iím telling you!

NP: Heís only... I always try to be fair, for a man who was struggling, I thought he only just sort of stumbled but didnít hesitate.

PJ: So much for sticking up for the underdog!

NP: I know!

WR: Yes!

NP: All right, Iíll put it to the audience. You want Wendy to have it, donít yes.

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím sorry thereís a lot of prejudice here at the moment.

DN: But youíre supposed to be impartial!

NP: I am impartial, yes, I give you the benefit of the doubt...

DN: Why do you listen to mob rule?

NP: Because itís fun on occasions.

DN: Oh is it?

NP: Derek I give you the benefit of the doubt because I will abide by my original decision. It wasnít hesitation. You have another point, have 43 seconds, list starting now.

DN: Carrots, potatoes, peas, cabbage, sprouts, onions, leeks, sugar, water, catch. All kinds of things you can put together in a list to annoy Wendy Richard! And it does that frightfully well! I once went out in a rowing boat with Cyril Smith and he right, he sat on the right-hand side of the boat and we listed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

DN: ... to starboard. Whatís the matter?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: That was hesitation, yes Clement, you have another point and 23 seconds to tell us something about list starting now.

CF: I quite often drove Cyril Smith from the House of Commons to the station in order that he could catch a train to Rochdale which was his constituency. And the car did list...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Isnít it still his constituency?

NP: Yes but when he was driving him, it was still his constituency.

DN: When it was his constituency.

NP: It was then when he was driving him, and still is.

DN: Oh all right.

NP: Clement an incorrect challenge, so a point to you for that and 10 seconds left for list starting now.

CF: List is really a very good subject for Just A Minute because most of the time when we are at a loss as to what to say, we think of one word which has a similar meaning to another...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud got another, well, he got a number of points in the round, but one for speaking as the whistle went and heís now gone back into the lead. And Wendy it is your turn to begin, the subject, burglar alarms. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now.

WR: Iím not very good at dealing with our burglar alarm. Sometimes I forget itís on, rush into the house because I want to get to the bathroom or somewhere else in a hurry. Forget that itís... oh...

BUZZ

WR: I forgot myself!

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Repetition and eventually hesitation because she eventually collapsed.

NP: Which one are you going to go for?

DN: Well Iíll go for repetition because that was the first.

NP: All right, 48 seconds for you on burglar alarms Derek starting now.

DN: I had this company called Modern Alarms which came to fix my burglar alarm. And they went around the house wanting to put in pads. And they said they wanted to put in one of these things in front of the chimney piece. And I said "who are you expecting? Father Christmas?" I thought it was most ludicrous. Now when we get into the house now, I have to turn keys, locks...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition, two houses.

NP: I mean I know you show off and talk about your houses sometimes. But on this occasion, you did mention the house. So Clement, correct challenge, 33 seconds, burglar alarms starting now.

CF: The surprising thing about burglar alarms is they never seem to work. When I go home, down Wimpole Street, thereís sometimes three or four burglar alarms all going at the same time. And...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well surely that proves that theyíre working!

NP: A nice nice challenge of deviation Peter. You have the subject, another point of course, 21 seconds, burglar alarms starting now.

PJ: Iím not sure that people pay a great deal of attention to the sound they make. And my idea of burgling would be to go to a house and just activate the alarm system. And then dash off to a house nearby. And a crowd would get round the place where the bell was ringing and youíd be free to er, to go...

BUZZ

NP: Oh half a second to go, Derek, you got in.

DN: Hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: There was a hesitation, yeah. I think he hesitated because he realised the awful thought he was putting into criminal minds. So...

PJ: Yes thatís right, it was. I thought guilty really.

NP: Yes, half a second Derek, on burglar alarms starting now.

DN: Mine is connected to the police station...

WHISTLE

NP: A very funny story about burglar alarms. Weíve got one in my little cottage in the country and they were filming this show which has just been out on television and Iíd been very keen to get a part in it. And they didnít want me, they wanted another actor. And in the middle of the filming in the village, my alarm went off. And itís never gone off before! And everybody thinks that I did it deliberately and I wasnít even there!

BUZZ

NP: Clement, yes?

CF: Deviation. Not a funny story!

NP: Yes itís a very tragic story, really, isnít it?

PJ: Very sad, yes.

NP: All right, give Clement a bonus point.

DN: Do you want to talk about any of your other houses?

NP: Right, Clement Freud is one point ahead of Derek Nimmo and then comes Peter Jones and Wendy Richard equal in third place. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject, fawn. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PJ: Well Fawn was, or still is as far as I know, the first name of Colonel Oliver Northís secretary. A lady Iíd very much like to employ myself. With her shredding machine! And she could come and tidy up my office and make it spick and span and generally make it much more decorative than it is in the normal way. She sounded to me a delightful and very loyal person, I thought. And I would rather have seen more of her on the screen than her employer! But alas it was not to be! I donít know whether sheís gone on stage or into films. But if she has then I would suggest that sheís probably done terribly well and will continue to do so in Hollywood, Los Angeles, or to make a list of it, London and Hamburg and other places like Rome, Naples and Budapest. She may easily become a big star in the media. Now I donít know how the timeís going or whether you have any plans later this evening but ah, what?

NP: Go on!

PJ: Oh you evil, you evil..

NP: Peter as youíd gone magnificently for 60 seconds I thought Iíd be rather mean and let you see how much longer you could go.

PJ: Oh! Dreadful, dreadful!

NP: God, this woman must have really affected you! The first time youíve gone for over 60 seconds without er hesitation, repetition or deviation! My goodness me!

PJ: Amazing!

NP: So two points to Peter Jones!

PJ: Amazing!

NP: And youíre still in third place, Iím sorry. Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject is Greece. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I was recently invited to go to the Balleric Islands and play the Ballalika and said "surely Greece would be a better place for this?" And they said "all right". And sent me to Athens. You go to London Airport and the Greek plane is the one that usually leaves 45 minutes after the time that it should, because it is run by Olympic Airlines who have been singularly unkind to me in the provision of free seats of late. And I thought if perhaps I mentioned their name on this programme much benefit would accrue as a consequence...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard.

WR: I think thatís deviation.

NP: Why?

WR: Well heís rambling on about getting free, ah, seats on planes now. It's got nothing to do...

NP: Well he wonít get one now because he called them Olumpic Airlines and theyíre actually Olympic Airways, you see. You have got a correct challenge there Wendy and 25 seconds to tell us something about Greece starting now.

WR: I have never been to Greece. But I have several friends who have been and they all tell me what a wonderful place Greece is. Apparently, once you are there it is quite cheap. The food, the wine, ah...

BUZZ

WR: What?

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: A list!

PJ: Itís no more... itís no more...

WR: I only said two things! How can I have a list with two things?

CF: The beginning of a list!

WR: And you go on for half an hour!

CF: The beginning of a list!

NP: But actually Clement didnít challenge you, it was Peter Jones who challenged you!

WR: Was it?

NP: Peter what was your challenge?

PJ: Well nobody can probably remember what she was saying, itís so long ago. She said itís very cheap when you get there, and in fact itís no cheaper when you get there than it is before you arrive!

NP: Well done Peter!

WR: I used to like you Peter! Iíve said lovely things about you!

NP: Itís 11 seconds for Greece, Peter Jones, starting now.

PJ: Iíve always wanted to cruise around Greece in a yacht. What a pity I never knew Robert Maxwell! Because he might have taken me on his wonderful boat, and I think that the influence of a good person..

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was again speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point and another in the round. So heís now creeping up on Derek Nimmo whoís now only one point behind our leader, Clement Freud and Wendy, surprisingly, is in fourth place. But Derek itís your turn to begin. We had this and that, and now weíve got doodahs. Sixty seconds starting now.

DN: I suppose when you use the word doodah, you mean thingamajig or thingamabob or some...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Thingamy twice.

NP: Two thingamies.

DN: No theyíre not, theyíre one word.

NP: Thingamajig isnít one word.

DN: Yes it is.

NP: Well I want to help Wendy for once. And Wendyís going to tell us something about doodahs with 52 seconds to go starting now.

WR: I have several collections of various sorts...

BUZZ

WR: What?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I want to help Wendy as well!

NP: All right Wendy, youíve got some more help, 49 seconds to tell us more about doodahs starting now.

WR: I re...

BUZZ

NP: And ... And you said Clement Freud was so unkind to you!

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Now heís given you another point, you see. No there was no hesitation there. Wendy youíve got another point, youíre ctaching up rapidly now. Forty-eight seconds, doodahs starting now.

WR: I often forget things that I have got in my house so I refer to them as doodahs, ie. my condiment set collection, some of my 2000 frogs and some of my...

BUZZ

WR: What?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two some of mys.

NP: Two some of mys, yes.

WR: Ooooohhh!

NP: Yes so Clementís got in with another point of course for a correct challenge, 36 seconds, doodahs starting now.

CF: There was an American song in which the chorus went doodah, doodah. Going to dance all day, doodah doodah doodah. Itís really rather nice being able to repeat something in Just A Minute because it is the subject on the card, doodah doodah. The man who sang it blacked his face and whitened his teeth and moved his hands which were gloved in an anti-circular direction. Perhaps I meant a clockwise order, doodah doodah doodah. Itís a most agreeable sound...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I, I think there must be a limit to the number of doodahs he can say. On every subject he could just go doodah doodah all the way through. Or taking sides, taking sides, taking sides, taking sides, or whatever.

NP: Well your, your, you challenged because he had too many doodahs...

DN: A surfeit of doodahs.

NP: Yes a surfeit of doodahs, I think we did overplay the doodahs so Derek we give you the benefit of the doubt, three seconds on doodahs starting now.

DN: Nicholas Parsons has a very attractive doodah. I have seen it many times go up...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek you got a point for speaking as the whistle went, you crept forward again, youíre now equal with Clement Freud in the lead and with Wendy Richard and Peter Jones equal in second place. Wendy your turn to begin, getting to sleep. Will you tell us something about that starting now.

WR: I never have any trouble getting to sleep. Itís staying awake that seems to be my problem most of the time. But once I get into my little bed with my Rupert Bear hot water bottle, I find Iím getting to sleep in no time at all...

BUZZ

WR: What now?

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I want to know where the carpet layer is!

WR: Donít... Iím not going to discuss my husband with you! Iím talking about...

DN: But for one so recently married, you only get into bed with a Rupert Bear! It does seem awfully sad!

NP: Really Derek!

WR: And I don;t want any jokes about underfelt either!

NP: Youíve had all those already, have you?

WR: Oh God!

NP: Right so Wendy there are 47 seconds, incorrect challenge and you have another point of course, getting to sleep starting now.

WR: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted getting to sleep is never a problem for me...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of?

CF: Never a problem!

NP: Never a problem.

WR: Oh!

NP: You said the first time going to sleep is never a problem. Clement you have another point and you have getting to sleep, 41 seconds starting now.

CF: I find it quite difficult to get to sleep until...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Very slow there. That was a hesitation in between. Getting to sleep.

NP: I donít think so, no.

PJ: You donít?

WR: I agree with Peter, I thought there was a hesitation!

DN: I thought there was, I thought he just dozed off actually.

NP: No I donít think he hesitated. Clement you have another point, 37 seconds on getting to sleep starting now.

CF: As a consequence I count sheep. "Oh look," I say, "hereís one. Thereís another. A lamb comes next. And because one cannot mention the bovine again...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Sheep arenít bovine!

NP: No, bovine are cows.

CF: Thatís why you canít mention them again!

NP: A very good reply but you donít struggle out that way Clement no. Well done Peter I agree with you, 24 seconds are left on getting to sleep starting now.

PJ: Repetition is something that actually does send me off. And if Clement had said doodah another 37 times after the first 39, I think I should have been asleep this evening! Which would have been a great pity because I should have missed that wonderful interesting conversation about thingamy and whether itís got a hyphen before you say Bob! And so on which Iím sure was very edifying for the World Service listeners all over the globe...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter you kept going until the whistle went, gained an extra point. But alas we have no more time to play Just A Minute this week. So let me tell you what the final scores were. Wendy Richard gave her marvelous value as always, finished in fourth place just behind Peter Jones. But we have two people out together only three points ahead of them equal so we say they are the winners this week, thatís Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud, our joint winners! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and it only remains for me to say on behalf of our four players, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Wendy Richard and Clement Freud, also the time keeper and whistle blower Anne Ling, also the creator of the game Ian Messiter, our producer Sarah Smith and myself Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in and we hope youíll want to tune in again the next time we take to the air and play Just A Minute.

THEME MUSIC