starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JOHN JUNKIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 February 1992)

NOTE: John Junkin's last appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute.


NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my pleasure to welcome you all to Just A Minute. And we welcome back Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and John Junkin. Will you please welcome all four of them! And once more we are in Highgate School, with boys from the school, parents and other people who live in North London. So we welcome them to this particular edition of Just A Minute. As always I will introduce Anne Ling who is sitting beside me. She will keep the score and let me know when the 60 seconds are up. And er as always the basic rules are the same. Iím going to ask them to speak if they can on the subject I will give them and theyíre going to try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. Weíll begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. And Derek, the subject is what. Will you please take that subject and talk if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Whatís his name, whatchermacallit. Rather useful phrase really. What is the neuter form of who, and therefore can be used quite extensively. James Watt was born in Scotland, lived in Clydesdale like Nicholas Parsons, and worked in the dockyards. I donít know whether he sat on a five seater lavatory like Nicholas, but perhaps he did...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of Nicholas.

NP: Yes. I was fascinated by this word Clydesdale which is a horse, not Clydeside which is an area...

DN: Whatever but you did sit on a five seater lavatory, didnít you?

NP: I did sit on a five seater. It was much more than that, it was seven or eight actually. But...

DN: Lots of other people were working in the dockyards beside him! Not a very pretty sight really.

NP: Derek has seen my one man show where I describe some of the problems I had as a young apprentice on Clydebank and having to go and obey the laws of nature in a very primitive latrine arrangement. It doesnít mean a thing to you, does it? Um, Clement you had a correct challenge so you get a point for your correct challenge and you take over the subject of what and you have 38 seconds left starting now.

CF: What is an anagram of thaw. What is also how Government offices answer the telephone these days. You say "is that 4963287?" and they say "what?"


NP: And...

CF: Thatís enough!

NP: Maureen Lipman has challenged but she (laughs) It isnít of course, itís our other guest, John Junkin...

PETER JONES: A very superficial resemblance, I think!

NP: Yes!

JOHN JUNKIN: It has been said Iíve got better legs!

NP: Thatís fine yes. John Junkin, you challenged? What was your challenge?

JJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

JJ: Inflexion! Everything he says sounds exactly the same!

PJ: Very good!

NP: Thatís a very clever, very clever challenge. It doesnít mean a thing in Just A Minute. Because itís not one of the rules. But John, Iíll give you a bonus point because we liked the challenge and you havenít played the game for 11 years, and um...

JJ: I havenít worked for 11 years!

NP: Thatís why I confused you. Right, now, 22 seconds left starting now.

CF: All I can say is what! I mean, if Iím going to keep the subject and not get any points, I might just as well give it away...


NP: Ah John Junkin has challenged again.

JJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JJ: He wasnít talking about the subject...

NP: Youíre quite right.

JJ: He was talking about his point.

NP: Yes, yes.

CF: What!

NP: John you have another point, you have the subject of what, 14 seconds starting now.


NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Absolutely right. Peter you have 14 seconds on what starting now.

PJ: I have this picture of James Watt as a boy, sitting beside the fire at his poor cottage somewhere in the Highlands of Scotland watching the kettle boil. And the steam lifted the lid and he had the idea that this power...


NP: Peter you were speaking as the whistle went...

PJ: Ah yes!

NP: So you get a bonus point for doing that...

PJ: Good!

NP: And youíre now in the lead with John Junkin at the end of the first round. And Clement Freud would you take the next round. The subject is my last school report. Very apt to talk about that in another school but would you tell us something about it starting now.

CF: My last school report was very loud. I went to school during the war. We had guns, all sorts of artillery as well as rifle and pistol power. And when you passed the village of Crothorne, all you heard was noise of reports of all sorts of weaponry which I now forget. Thereís also something called a school report where masters gave an assessment of your qualities. And I remember quite particularly I was rather an odious child, and met a fellow who went to the same scholastic establishment called Surbiton. And I said to him "what sort of chap was I when we were together?" And he said "you were an extraordinarily pleasant nice good looking athletic warm genuine..."


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Can you challenge on dishonesty?

NP: Exaggeration? I donít know.

CF: Reported dishonesty, thatís all!

NP: I donít know whether that was deviation because this fellow actually might have said that to him. He might have been wanting to get something out of Clement Freud even though it wasnít true. So strictly speaking, no it was an incorrect challenge. Um so Clement gets another point, he has my last school report and 14 seconds left to continue starting now.

CF: My last school report was on a piece of paper with headings and subheadings like history, geography, mathematics, arithmetic, English, litreature...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He canít have had mathematics and arithmetic.

NP: Youíre quite right, arithmetic is...

CF: Youíre quite wrong!

NP: Well as I know the school in question I must say my school report never had arithmetic as a separate subject from mathematics.

DN: They were at school together and I must tell you actually, Freud was his prefect and heís been terrified of Freud ever since!

NP: I donít think weíll comment on that! Derek I agree with your challenge, you have two seconds to tell us something about my last school report starting now.

DN: It said Derek Nimmoís field of knowledge is very wide but not very deep!


NP: Thatís a very interesting situation in Just A Minute. At the end of that round they all have exactly the same number of points, two. John Junkin, you, you take the next round which is exercise. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

JJ: Exercise is something that we are exalted to indulge in by television, radio, magazines and newspapers. Experts advise us that this is necessary. They say that our body is a temple. If that is the case, I must admit unfortunately that mine is probably a desanctified Methodist chapel! I have had no interest in physical education or PT as it was known when I was at school, because I could never see the relevance of a crossing...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He repeated never.

NP: Yes you did say never twice.

JJ: Yeah but the first time was 11 years ago!

NP: Actually they were enjoying it because it was so interesting and explicit that theyíre disappointed you canít continue. But Peter Jones is going to take over the subject and tell us something about exercise with 26 seconds to go starting now.

PJ: Itís the only thing to do when youíre dieting. Because without it you donít lose any weight. Now the idea is to shed poundage. So you take in less nourishment, particularly of the fattening type. And you exercise madly most of the day, when youíre not actually eating or drinking er glasses of cold water...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. There was a hesitation.

PJ: Yes.

NP: You have a point, you have five seconds, exercise, starting now.

DN: Military exercises are something I really enjoyed when I was a soldier. I was particularly brave and there was always out with the guns...


NP: Once again Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point. And heís taken the lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones will you take the next round, philattely, that is the subject starting now.

PJ: Phil, latterly, was a great success in Bilko. Now formerly heíd been... on the circuit...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: No it wasnít, he was sort of, he was playing the audience with his laugh...

JJ: Ah!

PJ: Thatís what I was doing!

NP: Yes!

PJ: Thatís what I was doing! Yes I was!

NP: Peter you continue with a point for a wrong challenge, 51 seconds, philately starting now.

PJ: Going around the Orpheum circuit in the United States in ah, shows...


PJ: Sorry.

NP: Derek...

PJ: I hesitated.

DN: In er shows.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes there was an er there.

PJ: I gave the audience a chance to sort of, you know, but they didnít. So I went anyway. Iíve no excuse really at all!

NP: Um, 46 seconds with you on philately Derek starting now.

DN: I suppose if Sir Roland Hill hadnít invented the penny post there would not be any philately and so Stanley Gibbons would not have made the enormous fortune that he must have accrued over the years because people do collect postage stamps. I collected them myself, when I was very young and liked it very much because there had not been many published at that time...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Very very.

NP: Very very, yeah.

CF: Very much, very young.

DN: Iím not quarreling, itís all right.

CF: No.

NP: They always try and bluff me out of it. Have you noticed that? If itís against them they look at me as much to say you darenít give it against me because...

DN: We donít look at you like that, we look at you with contempt!

NP: I think you should speak for yourself Derek.

CF: No I think he speaks for many of us!

NP: Do you wonder how Iíve survived 25 years of this? Goodness me! Thirty seconds are left with you Clement on philately starting now.

CF: I recently went to the town of Lichenstein, well the town of Ledoots...


CF: I believe we ought to have a challenge here!

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

CF: Quite right!

DN: Repetition of town.

NP: Thereís repetition.

CF: Can I start again?

NP: No you canít, thatís the game, 26 seconds Derek, philately starting now.

DN: The Queenís head on a black stamp, Victoria is the Monarch that I mean, fetches still a very high price, many times the face value which was...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Repetition of face.

NP: Yeah, face value and the face of the Queen.

DN: All right, I know.

NP: John Junkin, you have a correct challenge, 15 seconds, philately starting now.

JJ: I always found the most fascinating part of philately was the stamp mounting, because as a child I put a totally different connotation on it than I do now. What we used to do...


NP: Clement yes?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: That mmm Iím afraid is hesitation John, Iím terribly sorry.

JJ: I was playing the audience for a laugh!

NP: I know! Unsuccessfully Iím afraid. Clement you have three seconds to tell us something about philately starting now.

CF: The economy of this small country in the Swiss Alps is totally...


NP: John Junkinís challenged.

JJ: Deviation, whatís that got to do with philately?

DN: He was just coming to it.

NP: He was just... I think...

JJ: He took an hour but he didnít get to it!

NP: I know, but he, he, he generally had two and a half seconds...

JJ: Exactly but he didnít get to philately in those two and a half seconds.

NP: I know!

PJ: How long is one allowed to have before one gets to the subject? I mean there ought to be some grill...

NP: Itís left to my judgement and whim...

JJ: Oh God!

NP: ...of the particular moment.

PJ: Oh I see.

NP: And in this particular moment Iím going to go with the audience...

PJ: Yes.

NP: ..and see that they want John Junkin to have the subject because you didnít get that laugh that you tried for just then, theyíre sorry for you, you see. Um you have another point and you have half a second on philately starting now.

JJ: Stamp albums...


NP: So John Junkin got an extra point too for speaking as the whistle went and heís in second place behind Derek Nimmo and then comes Clement Freud and Peter Jones equal in third place. And Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is Alexander Graham Bell. Will you tell us something about that gentleman in this game starting now.

DN: Alexander Graahm Bell ought to be the patron saint of Maureen Lipman because if he hadnít invented the telephone, she wouldnít be able to make a cash big with the Lady Gillain. And I think it is of tremendous importance to the whole world that this man lived and invented and produced the... machine that I mentioned...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: No no it wasnít quite hesitation, no, that was a bit sharp, otherwise weíd never get under way Iím sorry. So Derek you have another point and 39 seconds, Alexander Graham Bell, starting now.

DN: Alexander Graham Bell was born in Scotland, emigrated to Canada, moved to America and made untold riches because of the thing that he produced which you all use daily. And in England we have to call BT. But itís rather surprising too, he also invented a kind of gramophone, didnít quite have...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: He mentioned invented twice, I think, didnít he?

DN: Oh at least, I would have thought three times.

NP: Definitely, yes.

PJ: Yes.

NP: So Peter you have a point for a correct challenge, well listened, 19 seconds are left and itís Alexander Graham Bell starting now.

PJ: Alexander Graham Bell shares with Andrew Lloyd Webber a middle name. Like Adrian Brunel...


PJ: I canít remember the other manís name! Ah...

DN: Adrian Brunel!

PJ: Ah whatever his name is!

NP: King!

PJ: King... dom!

NP: Isambard!

PJ: Isambard, yes thatís right. Yes.

DN: The lesser known brother!

PJ: Yes!

DN: Adrian Brunel!

PJ: Yes I donít know what I was thinking of.

NP: Isambard Adrian Bell.

PJ: Oh there was someone, Adrian somebody else I think.

NP: It was you, was it Clement? Right, 10 seconds are left on Alexander Graham Bell starting now.

CF: There is a school of thought that believes that Alexander Graham Bellís surname was Ring. So that when somebody said I will give you a bell...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Repetition of bell.

NP: Yeah but you see youíre allowed to mention...

CF: Itís on the card.

NP: ...mention, repeat the words on the card. Itís one of the rules.

JJ: Even in a different connotation?

NP: Yes even in a different connotation.

JJ: Is it too late to resign?

NP: No, no, no, it isnít, donít, we, we, I donít think weíve changed that in the last 11 years John. But it is difficult if you havenít been back...

JJ: I defer to him.

NP: No, no, I mean, no, I think, we love your keenness, I donít want to inhibit that at all. But it was an incorrect challenge so Clement has another point and one second on Alexander Graham Bell starting now.

CF: I think he would be surprised...


NP: And Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Heís now in the lead alongside Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones and John Junkin are only a little way behind, equal in second place. Clement your turn to begin, and the subject, wine. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: Wine is an anagram of Wein, which is the capital of Austria, known in this country as Vienna. And in that land which I have just mentioned and cannot again, they produce a wine early on rather as...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: He didnít mention the country. He mentioned the city.

NP: Well listened Peter....

CF: No! I said Vienna is the capital of Austria.

NP: Oh yes you did yes. Yes, the capital of Austraia...

CF: Well listened!

PJ: See, youíre not paying any more attention than I am!

NP: I was just trying to help you Peter...

PJ: I know! I know you were, yes.

JJ: It is easy to doze off Peter!

NP: Yes.

PJ: Particularly when you get on to these anagrams every time! Thatís what I find so tedious.

NP: So Clement yes you were quite right, you did say it was the capital. We thought it was Vienna, but of course you mentioned of that country. So the 46 seconds are with you, having got another point, wine starting now.

CF: France, Italy, Spain, Portugal and the new world especially Chile, Argentine, and of course Australia and New Zealand produce wonderful wines which many hotels and restaurants now list at quite accommodating prices. Four pounds 95 is one that springs to mind. And recently in the west country I visited a number of locations where catering took place. In all of which the somalia or wine waiter offered me a drink of enormous appeal at prices well within my purse. Twelve pounds 85 plus VAT...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of pounds.

NP: Yes, 12 pounds, four pounds 95, and 12 pounds. Clement you kept going magnificently but seven seconds have left still for Derek to tell us something about wine starting now.

DN: I quite agree with Sir Clement for once actually, that some of the wines of the new world are quite extraordinary. Chardonnays from New Zealand in particular, Cloudy Bays and then...


NP: Right so Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, got that extra point, and heís gone into the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud and then in third place equal John Junkin and Peter Jones. And John your turn to begin, the subject is terror. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JJ: Terror is an emotion which has been described as indefinable. I will attempt in this instance to define it for you. It is sitting here looking at these three implacable faces defying you to continue speaking coherently and lucidly for 60 seconds. Terror is something that has been capitalised on by authors and film makers, particularly in the last 10 years. James Herbert, Steven Spielberg, Stephen King, all..


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two Stevens.

NP: Two Stevens, Iím afraid.

DN: A feast of Steven!

JJ: I canít call him Sid King!

NP: Youíd have to find another way to refer to him in Just A Minute, Iím afraid. Derek another point to you, another, and the subject of terror, 28 seconds starting now.

DN: The reign of terror in Paris and indeed the whole of France, ah, 200 years ago when the Jacobins led by Robespiere and all those other dreadful people executed everyone or guillotined them perhaps, who had Royalist connections...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well thereís no perhaps about it!

DN: Well they didnít necessarily have Royalist connections. Or perhaps had Royalist connections. They were not very discriminating.

NP: Oh how do you say there was no perhaps. I mean...

DN: No, no...

NP: I donít think really within the rules of Just A Minute he was deviating. So it was a good challenge...

PJ: No I mean if...

NP: ...give Clement Freud a bonus point and Derek a point for being interrupted, he has 12 seconds on terror starting now.

DN: When I was a boy I used to be called a holy terror...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Well that, that has got to be deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: From common language.

NP: What?

CF: You listen to him!

NP: When I was a little boy I used to be called a holy terror.

PJ: He was sort of burbling, wasnít he.

DN: I was just trying to jolly it all up a bit! It had got us all so gloomy, I thought.

NP: I thought...

PJ: Well you introduced the guillotine, for Godís sake! Theyíre not very cheerful!

NP: Right, a point to Peter. And itís still with you Derek, you have another point...

DN: Oh right!

NP: Ten seconds starting now.

DN: I think there is tremendous terror every time you go down to the Underground...


NP: Yes Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I give you that one, yes.

DN: Well done Clay!

NP: Five seconds are left on terror with you Clement starting now.

CF: Terracotta is actually my favourite colour...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JJ: Because terra and terror are two different things.

NP: Thatís right, itís terra-cotta and itís not terror-cotta. Well challenged John. Heís not a scriptwriter for nothing. Right...

JJ: Almost!

NP: Almost! John three seconds left on terror starting now.

JJ: Terror is an unspeakable feeling which fills you with awe...


NP: Well at the end of that round John Junkin got the extra point, but Derek Nimmoís still in the lead then Clement Freud then John and then Peter Jones. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject now is circulars. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PJ: We donít like them much at our house. We keep a wastepaper basket by the front door so they donít come in very far. Every week we discard this box full of...


NP: And John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

PJ: Yes.

NP: I think itís a hesitation, yes. John you have circulars now, you have 48 seconds starting now.

JJ: Circulars are considered to be junk mail. And when you open the envelope reluctantly because there is nothing else to read in the house and you have failed abysmally with the Guardian crossword you understand why they have that particular denomination. They are... inevitably catalogued...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I thought that was hesitation.

NP: I agree with you Clement, so you have circulars now and 31 seconds starting now.

CF: Culars is a very unusual Christian name, and before being knighted he was the sort of chap who you would pass in the street without looking sideways. Circulars are things which by law many people do not permit you to throw through doors...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Hesitation.

NP: No there wasnít hesitation, but Iíd have deviation for this chap Sir Culars. I donít think he exists actually but um I canít give it to you for hesitation, Iím sorry. Thirteen seconds are still with Clement starting now.

CF: There used to be placards on doors which said "no hawkers or circulars". And until...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Not placards surely! Just little notices.

NP: Yes! Placards is a... I think thatís going over the top.

PJ: I think it would be going much too far.

NP: Definitely. So eight seconds are left for you Peter on circulars starting now.

PJ: If you have a little business and youíre trying to drum up more activity, then a circular is a very good idea. In fact itís better if you get more...


NP: Well Peter Jones got an extra point at the end of that round and he and John Junkin are equal in second place behind our joint leaders Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. Derek your turn to begin, the subject is holidays. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Holidays really originally meant holy days. It doesnít mean that any more. Itís something that you go for when you want a break. I am going to go off, quite soon in fact, to Egypt. I shall land in Cairo, on the worldís favourite airline and stay at the Nile Hilton Hotel. Then got to the Casa in Neill Street. I shall book a steamer from Brooksword to take me down south back towards the place that I really want to go. I think the Temple at Carness is the most extraordinary. And Denderra, the Petelmac, wonderful building that they constructed is one of the great sights of the world and I long to get there...


NP: John Junkin has challenged.

JJ: Deviation, heís a long way from holidays.

NP: Yes heís talking about...

DN: Itís on holiday! Itís my idea of a holiday!

NP: It may be your idea of a holiday but you stopped talking about holidays. Youíre now talking about the Temple and all the other sights that youíve seen..

DN: Thatís part of my holiday!

NP: Derek...

PJ: No, but youíre supposed to talk about holidays in the plural, you see.

NP: Yes...

DN: Itís my business where I travel of course. Iíve been to Cairo, I just nipped up to Denderra...

NP: You were talking about all the great sights that you can see in Egypt which you may do on your holiday but you were describing them so you were not describing holidays. So John has a correct challenge and 19 seconds left with a point of course starting now.

JJ: Holidays have become a major industry in this country. Television programmes are devoted to where you should spend your vacation, or vacance as the French say. And one of the most successful pieces of film ever shown on the particular subject is Monsieur Ulotís Holiday, a film starring Jacques Tattie...


NP: Right, so John Junkin was again speaking as the whistle went and itís a very even contest still. Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud still in the lead, John Junkin catching them up, as we move into the last round, two points behind. Peter Jones only three or four behind them as well. And the subject is with Clement, itís his turn to begin and itís wasting time. Well an apt subject to finish the show on but will you start and tell us something in Just A Minute on that beginning now.

CF: Wasting time is not a subject that I can tell you a lot about. Because we on Just A Minute do not ever offend against that particular code. Newsreaders, I think, are a most terrific waste of time. Weathermen spend many of their words describing patterns which I have no interest in whatsoever. But I think wasting time when you have an audience which is rapt and listening to each word that you mention when you have sych interesting information to give to all those who may be present and hanging on to every word, watching your teeth...


NP: John Junkin challenged.

JJ: Repetition of word. Every word and waste of words.

NP: Waste of words, well done John.

CF: Thatís not word.

NP: You have one point, youíre one behind our leader, the last round, 23 seconds left, wasting time, starting now.

JJ: Wasting time is an art which has been managed by very few people. The majority of thise who have achieved distinction in it tend to become Members of Parliament where it seems to me wasting time...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: What was that?

CF: Well it was hesitation but...

NP: No it wasnít hesitation.

CF: It wasnít hesitation.

NP: So he gets a point for that...

CF: Right! Good!

NP: For an incorrect challenge. So heís now equal in the lead with everybody else and there are 11 seconds left on wasting time and 11 seconds to go till the end of the show, still with you John starting now.

JJ: I am probably one of the few people who during their educational career managed to achieve an O level in wasting time. My form...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, he canít possibly have had an O level in wasting time!

NP: Well as weíre at a school, I couldnít possibly disagree with you. Derek Nimmo got in with two seconds to go, having gained another point and itís wasting time Derek starting now.

DN: Seventh Day Adventists and Jehovahís Witnesses waste my time fairly frequently...


NP: And as I said a little while ago this was going to be the last round. So let me give you the final score. Peter Jones finished in fourth place. He was only just a little way behind Clement Freud and John Junkin who were equal in second place. But once again as we return here for our outside broadcast to Highgate School, it was Derek Nimmo who just edged ahead with two points and so we adjudge him to be the winner of the show this week! We thank all four contestants for their contributions because thatís what makes the show and we thank our audience who have assembled here at Highgate School for their cooperation in letting us come here. And on behalf of the creator of the game, Ian Messiter, also Anne Ling who has deputised for him and kept the score admirably and also our producer Sarah Smith and also myself Nicholas Parsons, hope youíll want to tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute. Till then goodbye.