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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, ANDREE MELLY and CHARMIAN INNES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 March 1968)
NOTE: Charmian Innes's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Andree Melly and Charmian Innes in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is the Man of the Minute, Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello, and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once more we welcome four people who have competed so ably in this game against each other. And once more they’re going to enjoy this battle of wits. We hope you enjoy the fun as I ask them to speak individually for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject I will give them, without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. And we will start this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek here is a good subject for you I’m sure, outdoor games. Would you talk for Just A Minute please starting now. DEREK NIMMO: My favourite outdoor game, I suppose, really is crown bowls. This is a game played in the north of England where I was born. And it consists of the same rules as a certain... oh... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly you have challenged, why? ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation. NP: Definite hesitation. There are still... DN: It really was an impediment you know. It’s very shameful I think, when she challenges me on my impediment. I think it’s very, very rude and offensive. NP: And I think you’re being very clever to try and make out it was your impediment that caused you to hesitate. DN: If she had three legs, I wouldn’t keep saying "Andree Melly’s got three legs"! NP: Andree Melly there are 47 seconds to talk about outdoor games starting now. AM:Oh there are... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. AM: Oh! NP: You have outdoor games back again starting now. DN: It’s terribly difficult to enjoy outdoor games if you have an impediment but I do my best. My favourite... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly, oh I’m sorry, Clement Freud why have you challenged? CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation. NP: Yes definitely. Outdoor games... DN: They laughed! CF: He’s milking the audience! DN: They laughed! CF: Milking the audience for a cheap laugh! DN: Elementray technique! NP: Outdoor games, Clement Freud, starting now. CF: One of the great outdoor games is football, cricket, hockey and rugby... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Deviation, he said one of the outdoor games and then gave a list of about six. NP: That is quite right, in my interpretation of the English language, a somewhat devious way of speaking. So Andree you have 35 seconds left for outdoor games and you start now. AM: Hockey... BUZZ NP: No Derek Nimmo! Andree Melly, outdoor games, 34 seconds left starting now. AM: Hockey is one of them... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge? CF: Repetition. She’s already said it twice. NP: Yes but she can say it twice in my interpretation of the rules. If she said it three times... outdoor games, Andree Melly starting now. AM: There are 11 a side, a centre forward, a centre half and a left wing and one on the right and a back and a goalie. This is a game... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Oh dear a very subtle... look this is sometimes when you’re not quite sure. Look I’m going to ask our audience at this point to judge because sometimes when is hesitation not and when it is. If you think that Andree Melly was hesitating then will you please cheer and if you think she wasn’t, will you please boo and do it all together starting now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I decide the boos have it. Andree was hesitating, Clement Freud has the subject, 24 seconds... DN: They weren’t as loud! NP: ...outdoor games... DN: You got it wrong! NP: ...starting now. CF: Cricket is a quite splendid outdoor game. You have a wicket keeper and a bowler. The ball is slung down the pitch. A bat is... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly, the subject... you have challenged, why? AM: Um deviation. If it’s slung, you get slung out! NP: No you can sling a ball in any game, I do assure you of that Andree. I know you’re not very up on outdoor games, you said so. Clement Freud still has the subject, 14 seconds left starting now. CF: Another excellent outdoor game is lacrosse which is played by a number of ladies on either side... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, it can be played by men as well. NP: Yes, it’s, within the way he was speaking I don’t think it’s genuine deviation, no, no. It’s a clever try, I can’t award any points for it. Um, seven seconds left for outdoor games, Clement Freud starting now. CF: In North Lancashire where Derek Nimmo comes from, a number of men also play lacrosse, with the same sort of thing. They have lacrosse bats... BUZZ HOOTER NP: Derek Nimmo you got your challenge in before... DN: Well he said lacrosse four times. CF: Three times. NP: Yes he definitely did. CF: Three times. NP: Repetition, you have one second left to talk about outdoor games Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: Draughts! HOOTER BUZZ NP: Well actually Derek Nimmo does get the point for speaking as the hooter went but Charmian did challenge. What was your challenge, Charmian Innes, out of interest? CHARMIAN INNES: I thought he said draughts and that’s an indoor game. It’s about the only one I play! DN: Not in North Lancashire! You push them around... NP: Andree Melly it is your turn to begin on this particular occasion. The subject is hay fever and you start now. AM: This is a type of comedy play. But it’s also a very unfunny complaint which several people suffer from in the spring. One of the chief symptoms... BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes why did you challenge? CI: Deviation, quite inaccurate, it happens in June when the pollen flies. NP: And actually according to the calendar, June is the spring. Spring is 20th March goes through to the 20th of June. And so June is still the spring. Andree we’re still with you, hay fever starting now. AM: When the pollen begins to fly, people get this complaint, and sneeze a great deal. Their eyes water and they feel very sorry for themselves. Other people seem to not be very sympathetic towards this complaint, but I do understand that it’s horrid for those that have it. You begin to take great... BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes. CI: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. CI: On beginning, I thought. NP: Yes, hesitation definitely. Hay fever Charmian Innes with you starting now. CI: Runs in my family like mad. My daughter has it and so does my brother-in-law. People who have it very badly have to stop driving their cars, because they sneeze themselves straight into bollards and over policeman’s feet. And this makes the policeman swear while they’re sneezing, and they can’t explain themselves because they’re so wrapped with all this terrible eruptation that’s going on that they can’t say "officer please, I couldn’t help it, I was dying..." HOOTER NP: What a grand finish! Well you talked then for 30 seconds on the subject without being interrupted. Very well done Charmian! And you gain a point as you were speaking while the hooter went. Let’s have a score now. Right, oh it’s awfully even. Clement Freud and Andree Melly they both have four points. Derek Nimmo has three and Charmian Innes has two. Clement Freud it is your turn to begin this time, photo finishes starting now. CF: A photo finish is something that happens on racecourses, either dogs or horses. When a number of animals pass the post so closely together that the judge is unable to tell them apart with what is loosely called his human eye. And he therefore calls upon the camera to judge for him. This takes some time and I would like to give you an idea of just how long it takes. The horses pass the post, locked together, and a voice says "photo finish". And now this is what happens... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Well it’s not really very close to a photo finish. Hesitation, he’s taken too long. NP: Now can you justify that Clement? CF: After a pause of about two and ahalf minutes which I was going to do... NP: No... CF: ...the judge says "here’s the result of the photo finish. First, number 14..." NP: You should have found a cleverer way of giving us that Clement. Derek Nimmo you have the subject of photo finishes with 28 seconds left starting now. DN: In 1938 and 1939, I spent some time... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: There were no photo finishes before the war. DN: May I please continue? CF: You may justify yourself if you want to. NP: You can justify yourself if you can, very rapidly. DN: Yes well the Russian guard on the border said to me as I left Leningrad "don’t photo us, photo Finnish!" NP: The audience are in full agreement that you have it. And you have 25 seconds left for photo finishes starting now. DN: Whenever I’m playing bowls in the north of England I take a long with me my Baby Brownie. I place this on the grass. And when I bowl the woods across the top of the Crown Green, I have a friend waiting at the other side wo, waiting to photograph the finish... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: He woated and waited. NP: Yes now occasionally he has complained in this game about his natural impediment... AM: Well I’m sorry... NP: But on this occasion it was Derek Nimmo’s natural impediment. So Derek I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, you still have the subject starting now. DN: Snap goes my chum at the other end of the green, and then produces for me from his Polaroid camera which, he’s abandoned his Brownie... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. It was a Brownie, the camera before. DN: I said he’s abandoned it! NP: Yes, no, no, that was a very clever, very quick piece of challenging for deviation. Clement Freud you have the subject, two seconds left for photo finishes starting now. CF: Greyhounds finishing close together also... HOOTER NP: Well Derek Nimmo has seven points, Clement Freud has six, Andree Melly has four and Charmian Innes has two. Charmian Innes your turn to begin, easy ways to lose a man, starting now. CI: There are several of these. If you’re single and when I was a very young girl I was, two or three years ago, and the lights go out, and you’re in your house with him and he seizes your hand, a good way to get rid of him is to say "never mind that Charlie, I’ll just mend the fuse!" And he will run down the road at a rate of knots, that makes the Queen Mary look like a dinghy! If you’re married... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. I would say so. Clement Freud can you talk for the remaining 37 seconds, no, no, 37 seconds on easy ways to lose a man, starting... starting now. CF: One of the very easiest ways... BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes why have you challenged? CI: Deviation, he can’t possibly lose a man the way that I lose one, and if he can he can’t talk about it! NP: You... A very clever try Charmian but you haven’t heard what Clement’s got to say yet. Easy ways to lose a man, Clement Freud, starting now. CF: When I take a chap to a football match and I say "will you meet me after the game by the tea bar?" he very frequently does not turn up. And I say to myself "well now, Clement Freud, this is another chap you have lost". Or to put it another way, this is one of the easiest ways to lose your acquaintances. But there are a number of other methods whereby the human race can become un... oh... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. Yes alas. Easy ways... what a difficult subject! Easy ways to lose a man, Andree, starting now. AM: Go to one place where you think he’s going to meet you and he’s gone to another. That means you’ve lost him before you’ve even met him, and is probably the easiest way... HOOTER NP: Well as Andree was speaking as the hooter went, she has another point. She now has six but Clement Freud is still in the lead with eight followed by Derek Nimmo with seven. Charmian Innes has only two. Yes, ah Derek Nimmo it’s your turn to begin. So let us go from outdoor games, this time, indoor games starting now. DN: Indoor games I really rather prefer to outdoor games, because they’re generally warmer, especially in England. My favourite indoor game I think is Sweethearts. Then you get a large paper bag and you put into the paper bag the names of famous lovers, Romeo and Juliet and so on, Clement Freud and Mrs Clement Freud. And then you pick out of the bag a name. Romeo, for instance. Or Juliet. Then one, whoever gets the one that is opposite to you goes out of the room with the person they have picked. Jolly nice game that! Another good game is Sardines. You go and find a small cupboard, you climb into the cupboard, summon your chums to join you, and when they find you, they all squash in with you. It’s very nice actually, especially on a cold day. Postman’s Knock is a very nice game, I awfully like Postman’s Knock... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged? AM: Repetition, these games have all the same thing in mind! NP: I will give you a bonus point for a clever challenge but we’re still with Derek Nimmo on indoor games starting now. DN: Knock knock goes the... door handle, who’s there, I say... BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes you challenged. CI: D-d-d-d-door handle! He rather went... NP: All right, Charmian Innes you have the subject of indoor games starting now. CI: A perfectly prenicious indoor game is bridge which has caused more divorces and marital arguments than I would care to shake a stick at, whatever that may mean. Shaking a stick at people... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, she doesn’t know what it means! NP: At of her own mouth she committed herself! Deviation, yes Derek, two seconds left for indoor games starting now. DN: Tap tap goes the door handle... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Repetition. CI: Yes! NP: Why? CF: The second tap! DN: It was knock knock last time! NP: No I think it was knock knock before. CF: We put up with knock knock, but now tap tap! AM: Tap tap! Yes! CF: One tap is enough! Come now! NP: Yes but there’s lots of different kinds of taps... DN: Stop bludgeoning! Stop bludgeoning him, Freud! NP: And we usually go on words in this game and he’s not used the word tap tap before. So again you have the benefit of the doubt, one second left and another point Derek, indoor games starting now. DN: Rat-a-ta-tat! BUZZ NP: I’ll just find out what Clement Freud’s challenge was. CF: Repetition. NP: Why? CF: Tat tat tat tat. NP: Very clever, I will give you an extra point for that Clement. Oh I have to give you the subject too because the hooter hasn’t gone. There’s half a second left, Clement Freud, can you talk for half a second on indoor games starting now. CF: Ludo! HOOTER NP: So Clement your clever challenge gained you actually two points which gives you the lead this time. Clement the subject I’m sure extremely close to your heart, we’d like you to talk on now if you can for Just A Minute autographs starting now. CF: Autographs are your signature put on bus tickets and other unlikely pieces of paper which people, members of the public, thrust under your nose. And always excuse themselves by saying "this is for my little girl". Somehow by disassociating themselves with actually... wanting the autograph... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Clement Freud did you hesitate? CF: No! NP: No! I suppose the only thing I can do... CF: I spoke with tremendous fluency! NP: Did you! Give ‘em, give ‘em a half point each! And so Clement Freud keeps the subject and you go on with the subject starting now. CF: I have yet to meet a person who has come up to me honestly and say "please can I have your autograph for my..." BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes why have you challenged? CI: Deviation, quite inaccurate! I went up to him tonight before the show and got his autograph. NP: Oh how terribly clever! CF: You haven’t let me finish! NP: Well all right, justify it. CF: She said "could I have your autograph for my litlle girl". CI: Yes, but it was really me! NP: All right, I’m still with you Clement Freud, autographs, 33 seconds left starting now. CF: So clutching Miss Charmian Innes’ book, I wrote in it "to Alison Innes who is her daughter with best wishes..." BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes why did you challenge? CI: Not Alison Innes, I married a man called McIntosh! CF: That’s your own affair! CI: It wasn’t an affair, I married him! NP: Did you write Alison Innes? Did you write... be honest, did you write Alison Innes? CF: No I didn’t. NP: No you didn’t. All right, Charmian has got the subject over, she has 27 seconds left for autographs starting now. CI: The trouble with having children is that they do ask you to get autographs for them, if you’re an actress. And it’s all rather humiliating, because I feel I ought to be in ankle socks with a bow in my hair, which would make me look exactly like a horse so I don’t do it... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: She’s talking about her physical appearance, not autographs at the moment. She said she looks exactly like a horse. NP: And you consider that... CI: I didn’t say that all the time! NP: As I think Charmian is a very attractive lady, I consider that’s very devious. So Derek Nimmo you have won the challenge, 15 seconds left, autographs starting now. DN: I was standing in a pub the other day with Clement Freud. And a gemtleman came up with his old grey haired mother leaning on his arm, and said "could you, would you like to meet my mother..." BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes. DN: And Clement Freud said "no!" CI: Hesi... NP: Just a minute, Charmian... CI: You want to get the gag out, I know! NP: We want your challenge but let’s get back to the game please! Derek Nimmo does go on a bit! DN: It’s true! NP: You’re allowed one botsa on this programme, Derek Nimmo. Charmian Innes it’s back with you with autographs, with seven seconds, eight seconds starting now. CI: There are all sorts of ways to sign one’s own autograph. With best wishes, with love from, or luck to... HOOTER NP: So Charmian Innes has another point and Derek Nimmo it’s back with you to start. Ah let us now have a penalty round. You mustn’t mention the word a. The subject Derek will be taking photographs and begin now. DN: When I used to take photographs, I used to get people to assemble in groups. Mother, uncles, aunts, children and so on. Put my camera, my Baby Brownie, on a stand... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: On a stand. NP: On a stand yes, taking photographs, Clement Freud, no as, starting now. CF: So... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, taking photographs, no as Derek starting now. DN: Recently... BUZZ NP: Derek, Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: No I don’t think so... CI: You mean... NP: Very difficult to judge but I’m with Derek Nimmo still, 45 seconds left... BUZZ NP: Ah, Derek, Clement Freud, you challenged again. CF: Favouritism! NP: I said earlier on I was always impartial. I said it last week some time. Derek Nimmo it is 45 seconds left for taking photographs starting now. DN: Recently I went to see a film called... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: A film. NP: A film yes, taking photographs with you Clement Freud starting now. CF: So Derek Nimmo’s family is ready and waiting to be photographed and aligning them in a straight circle... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: In a straight... NP: In a straight circle, yes. Taking photographs with 35 seconds left starting now. DN: In this film... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation I grant you this time, taking photographs, Clement Freud, starting now. CF: "You rotten Nimmoes!" I shout at the gathered family and back they cry "nonsense! How wrong you are!" I... BUZZ DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, taking photographs, no as, starting now. DN: In this film, Blow Up, there was quite a different method of taking... BUZZ NP: Yes Clement Freud? CF: Quite a. NP: Yes. DN: I’m not very good at this, am I? NP: Clement Freud, 20 seconds, taking photographs, starting now. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: The girls don’t press very frequently, do they? AM: I, we simply can’t get in! NP: I must explain to listeners that whoever presses first eliminates the others who press. So they’ve all been trying to get in but Derek’s the one first again. So it is back with you with 18 seconds left for taking photographs, no as Derek, starting now. DN: Greyhounds in the slips waiting to be photographed at race courses. This is always... an imposing sight... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly got in. AM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, taking photographs for you Andree, no as, starting now. AM: This is quite a diff... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud, quite a difficult, yes it is very difficult! Taking photographs starting now Clement. CF: My children are very fond of doing this because when cameras come out they look towards lenses, smile, bare their teeth... HOOTER NP: Well another point to Clement Freud as the hooter went while he was talking. He now has a commanding lead over Derek Nimmo who still has quite a good lead over Charmian and Andree who are equal third. Andree the subject is with you, a second to think about it, it is the subject of Hollywood, because I’m going to have a penalty on this round as well because I think it’s good fun. The penalty for the word the, you mustn’t mention the word the, the subject is Hollywood and you start now. AM: Hollywood is not as glamorous as you might imagine. For one thing, it isn’t really there. I thought it was a place like Blackpool or Oxford, but it’s a suburb like perhaps Hendon to London. The people there... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud, the people. Hollywood is with you and there are still 43, two seconds left starting now. CF: Hollywood is a very beautiful subject of Los Angeles, a town in California which is a state in United States of America... BUZZ CF: In United States. CI: The United States? A United States? NP: United States, oh no, it’s the... CI: Oh what a dirty trick! NP: I know, it’s very difficult! All right I won’t penalise you! Oh yes all that happens is that Clement Freud gets another point, he still has the subject of Hollywood starting now. CF: There are many dirty tricks perpetrated in Hollywood. One of them recently was when a young film actress having successfully done her first auditiona and got a part in a lovely film was approached by an agent who said to her "will you kindly sign this piece of paper because that would make me represent you in the capacity..." BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: In the capacity. NP: Yes. Hesitation and the and everything! Right, Hollywood is back with you Andree Melly and there are only two seconds left and you start now. AM: Smog... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: No there was no hesitation, she has another point, Hollywood with you Andree Melly and you start now. AM: Sunshine... BUZZ NP: There was no hesitation, you have another point and still one second starting now. AM: Swimming pools! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has given you three points, what a sporting chap he is! And that is 60 seconds! HOOTER NP: Mind you in this particular contest he can afford to do it because he has a commanding lead of 21 points. All he’s done is put Andree Melly rather closer to Derek Nimmo with 16, Andree Melly 15... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud’s challenged me. CF: I want to bring her closer to Derek Nimmo! NP: Oh yes! But you must try and be fair and help Charmian Innes as well, she’s only got 11 points. BUZZ NP: What do you want Derek Nimmo? DN: Well I could give her an extra point and bring her closer to me, I’ll buzz her as well! NP: Let us get back to the game and the subject I’ll give you before I give you the penalty Clement Freud, it’s your turn to begin, the subject is toothpicks, which is a very good subject for anybody who has anything to do with cooking, and the penalty will be the word and. So no ands please as you talk if you can for Just A Minute on toothpicks starting now. CF: Toothpicks are made of wood or quill... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Hesitation. NP: Andree Melly you are right, toothpicks and no ands starting now. AM: I always want them in restaurants and they never seem... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. AM: And they never seem. NP: And they never seem. Toothpicks with a lot of time left starting now. CF: Having achieved a toothpick you put it in your hand, try to get it between your teeth, to dislodge some foreign body which might have found its way in... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Disgusting! NP: Yes it may have been disgusting but it’s still within the context of the game, we won’t penalise you Andree, it is still, no points awarded, toothpicks, no ands, starting now. CF: "Oh ho" you would say, if you were Derek Nimmo, "I have discovered..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, I wouldn’t say "oh ho!" Aha, but not oho! NP: Derek, I believe you that you wouldn’t say oh ho or hoho or whatever it was! So toothpicks is over with you and no ands and you start now. DN: A particular delight of going to a Chinese restaurant is those lovely pieces of quill which you find in a little jar in the centre of the table for picking at your teeth. This... enables you to eat the meal... BUZZ NP: Charmian Innes. CI: I thought there was a hesitation. NP: You were right, there was a hesitation, you have the subject of toothpicks and no ands Charmian starting now. CI: The first requisite for using these instruments is to have teeth. If one has not, it makes it a very awkward operation indeed. They are often made of bonsal wood I understand, which is the same stuff you use for hitting people over the heads with in fights on television. And then they pick their teeth off the floor... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes toothpicks with 10 seconds, no, 11 seconds left starting now. CF: Molars are particularly rewarding teeths from which to pick because they are large... BUZZ NP: Clement, Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. Yes, toothpicks, no ands, five seconds starting now. DN: Nail files are used, can be used quite easily really... BUZZ NP: And Andree Melly. AM: Ah hesitation. NP: Yes, I think so too so with two seconds left starting now. AM: Tough steak, for instance... HOOTER NP: Andree Melly gained another point because she was speaking as the hooter went and Andree now is equal with Derek Nimmo second, closely followed by Charmian Innes. But Clement Freud is once again the clear winner. Thank you very much for listening today and goodbye from us all here. Goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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