JAM:PMerton,DNimmo,WRichard,SFry
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, DEREK NIMMO, WENDY RICHARD and STEPHEN FRY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 February 1992)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: The final recording in this volume of Just A Classic Minute is from 1992. Derek Nimmo, of the old guard players is in this show. Also Wendy Richard who started playing quite frequently in the late 80s. We also have one of the new generation of comedians who were coming into the show in the 90s, Paul Merton, who took to the show as if he had always been playing it. In fact in his youth, I understand, he was a great follower of the programme. In this edition he is a little more subdued than he is today. It is only in recent years he has honed his comedy style and developed into an outstanding comedian of today's generation and so become one of the most original and skilled players of Just A Minute, always supplying good value and being a great asset to any recording. This was only the second time that Stephen Fry had played the game. On the first occasion he had remarked in the programme how very much more difficult was to play than he assumed than when listening to it. Stephen is however a very quick learner, and since his first appearance he had applied his considerable talent and command of language to pick up the technique and special skill that helps you to succeed in Just A Minute. In this recording he displays his ability to speak lucidly and calls onm his wealth of knowledge to make a huge contribution. Derek Nimmo who is a much travelled man as a result of presenting shows in hotels around the world, enjoyed calling on his geographical knowledge and utilising this if he could to work it into a subject on which he was speaking. This aspect of Derek's personality would irritate Wendy Richard as displayed in this recording, and she makes one or two barbed remarks about his showing off. She could on occasions become irritated with other players' technique of playing the game and would regularly have a go at Clement Freud if he started to include a list of places or objects when playing. There is nothing in the rules which forbid this ploy. Wendy's rather abrasive way of playing the game added a different dimension to the show, but she always dispalyed this side of her personality in a humorous way so the audience always enjoyed a performance. Four entirely different personalities, all contributing in their own individial and imitable way make for a stimulating mix in a programme I'm sure you will enjoy, and which brings this volume of Just A Classic Minute to a close. Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my pleasure to introduce to you the four talented personalities who this week are playing Just A Minute. We welcome back Derek, Nimmo, Wendy Richard and Paul Merton, and also to play the game for only the second time, Stephen Fry. Will you please welcome all four of them! Once again I have Anne Ling beside me, and when 60 seconds are up, she blows a whistle and whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. And as usual Iím going to ask our four players of the game if they can talk on the subject I give them without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. Let is begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek, the subject is a good hand. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I left Hong Kong Harbour, the boat was called Julianna, captained by a dear friend of mine called Arthur Vaughan, sailing down to Manila. When we got there, we realised that we needed a good hand. Because although we were very accomplished amateur sailors, we werenít really quite clever enough and...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

STEPHEN FRY: Well it was earlier on really. It seemed so deviated that by the time heíd got round to it, it sort of vaguely come to some sort of sense, I suppose, about a good hand being necessary. But it was the usual name dropping stuff about Hong Kong being strung out...

NP: I know...

SF: But it was lovely! I donít know, I resent everything Iíve just said!

NP: It was lovely and name dropping, but it was a long time before he got...

DN: I donít think that Hong Kong is name dropping!

WENDY RICHARD: You were mumbling over your words, dear! I mean you couldnít understand what you said so I think that counts as...

DN: You heard me say Hong Kong!

WR: ...hesitation. Iím not talkking about Hong Kong, weíve all got used to you place dropping! It was, you were fumbling about with sailors, Derek!

NP: Derek Iíve never known them all be so much against you, I canít imagine why! Stephen you have a correct challenge, there are 43 seconds, you get a point for that of course and you can take over the subject of a good hand starting now.

SF: (in Derek Nimmo voice) Ace, King, Queen, Jack, Ten of Spades, for example, would be a magnificent hand in the game of draw poker. Or stud variation of that particular pastime naturally. It means a hand because itís named after the five fingers. There are that number of cards dealt to you in this particular pursuit which we all love and adore. A good hand was also an 18th century slang term for a very good whipster or manager of horses. I wonder why my voice is going like this! However thatís not supremely relevant is it. A good hand, to return to the subject in hand, as it were, is also of course a helpful person...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes you did say of course more than once.

SF: Yes I did.

NP: Derek you have a correct challenge, you have four seconds to tell us something about a good hand starting now.

DN: (in Clement Freud voice) Itís always been said that Clement Freud has a very good...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PAUL MERTON: I just couldnít bear it really! On humanitarian grounds! Deviating from his normal speaking voice!

NP: Absolutely, very devious, the whole thing. Paul you have half a second to tell us something about a good hand starting now.

PM: A good hand...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gets an extra point. It was Paul Merton so he has the lead at the end of that round. Stephen Fry would you take the next round, the subject is cows. You can take it as cowes, with an E, or cows without an E.

SF: Oh how sweet of you! How nice!

NP: I wish I hadnít said it now! You have 60 seconds Stephen starting now.

SF: Edwina Currie and Margaret Thatcher were both, I believe, in power at the time of bovine spongiform encephalitis which indeed struck cows, which may strike some people as being remarkably relevant and germane...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well said, Edwina Currie wasnít in power at the time.

SF: Wasnít she?

DN: She was gone quite a long time before. The eggs, the eggs before the cow, you see.

SF: Yes, I always wondered which came first, the egg or the cow. Now I know!

NP: Well done Derek, 44 seconds for you on cows starting now.

DN: I would think that Nicholas Parsons probably is a sacred cow. Heís the sort of person who really canít be touched by any kind of insult...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Did I... a spot of hesitation? Am I over-reading?

NP: No, no...

SF: I am yes.

NP: No, no, he was about to pay me a compliment for the first time so heís going to continue...

WR: I doubt it!

NP: I doubt it! So Derek, an incorrect challenge, another point to you, 37 seconds, cows starting now.

DN: I like to go down to Cowes Week, with a good hand. Itís very important, I think, to have a splendid seaman...

BUZZ

WR: (laughs)

NP: Stephen...

SF: Well that was a hesitation, wasnít it?

NP: That was hesitation.

SF: Yes, yes.

NP: Yes. Yes. Wendy thatís a very dirty laugh, watch it please!

WR: Sorry!

NP: Stephen there are 31 seconds for you to tell us something about cows starting now.

SF: The most delightful placid ruminant quadripeds you could find are cows, arenít they? Worshipped by the Hindu, and who can doubt them? Because these creatures provide milk, all kinds of dairy produce. As well as their spouses offering meat to the discerning eater...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Thatís not why the Hindus worship them, because they donít eat them, thatís the whole point of ...

SF: This is, no, I said who can blame them, that was all. I didnít say that was the reason...

DN: You said they offer meat, meat!

SF: I just said who can blame them. Yes?

DN: If youíre a Hindu, you donít eat them, old fruit!

SF: No, I know that. I didnít say you did.

NP: Have...

SF: I just said who can blame them.

NP: ...you two finished your conversation?

PM: Iíd like to query this word spouse! I mean, do they undergo some ceremony or..

SF: Oh yes!

PM: Really?

SF: They mose into a little field and they dribble...

NP: Itís a bit more basic, the ceremony they go under, I can tell you, you know. The cows taken to the bull and theyíre married!

PM: Theyíre married, are they?

BUZZ

NP: Well itís not sanctified...

WR: Listen, I thought we were playing Just A Minute...

SF: Hear hear hear hear! Hear hear!

NP: I agree with your challenge, you have 17 seconds to tell us something about cows starting now.

DN: Me? Oh itís my go? I wasn't quite sure who youíd given it to. Cowes I like very much, in the summertime. Itís a wonderful seven days of nautical exploits. And if you have a jolly jacktar beside you when you get on to your tetch and sail away round the island...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking then as the whistle went and gained an extra point for doing so. Wendy itís, itís your turn to begin and the subject is chance. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute if you can starting now.

WR: Poker, liar dice, roulette, chemmy are all games of chance. None of which I hasten to add do I partake in because I am not a gambler at all. Although I have on the odd occasion had to visit the dog tracks, usually for a charity night. And that is when you take a chance on which creature is going to come in in first, second or third place. Iím not very good at making these forecasts. I usually tend to panic and change the numbers, and thatís when I find my first two ideas...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Repetition of first. First two and first, second and third.

WR: Oh did I? Oh, poo!

NP: First second and third, yes and the first two. Well listened Stephen, 27 seconds for you to tell us...

SF: Oh! Iím suddenly the villain of the piece now, Iím sorry.

NP: Yes, yes, chance starting now.

SF: Well Gregorian chants are amongst my favourite, I suppose. Medieval monastic...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: That certainly has a T.

NP: That has a T, those are chants and this is chance.

SF: Thatís what I said, Gregorian chants. The word is chance. Itís identical in sound, chants and chance.

NP: No, no, not... Not if you have good diction and I know itís Derek Nimmo challenging...

SF: More than just good diction, youíve got to have peculiar teeth!

NP: Gregorian chants.

SF: Well Iíll take your word for it.

NP: Well tried.

SF: Thanks, okay.

NP: Youíre trying harder than the regulars.

SF: Well, fair enough.

NP: Really, youíve learnt very very fast Stephen. I disagree...

SF: Fas-t-t-t-t! Fast-ttttttt!

NP: I agree with your challenge, you have 23 seconds for chance starting now.

DN: Oh me is it? Oh sorry...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry.

SF: He began again last time with "me is it, oh sorry". Heís always doing this! Takes up a good few seconds!

NP: Yes! Repetition of me oh sorry...

DN: Canít you actually say whoís won because itís very difficult to understand your brain!

NP: Stephen got in there so Stephen you have 22 seconds to tell us something about chance starting now.

SF: We were chatting nimbly the other week, werenít we, about Simon Raven who lives in Deal, whose novels deal with the manners of time and chance...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two deals.

NP: Yes there were two deals.

SF: Oh yes! Isnít that good! Because theyíre different! Isnít that silly! Oh! God! Arse!

NP: Derek... I know itís difficult at your age. Iíll speak very simply. You won! With 15 seconds to go starting now.

DN: If you want to play any game of chance, the best place to go to is to Las Vegas, that extraordinary town in Nevada. I remember going to the loo in that city and hearing someone win the jackpot in the next cubicle. Because there are machines absolutely everywhere! It probably was the most exciting moment of my life...

WHISTLE

PM: Is it called Craps, that game?

NP: Derek you were speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point and youíve increased your lead at the end of that round. Paul Merton, your turn to begin, the subject is my best behaviour. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PM: Iím always on my best behaviour when I come along to record Just A Minute. I listen patiently and carefully to what my other contestants are saying, I donít interrupt, I donít challenge them...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy...

PM: I said donít twice.

NP: ...challenged.

WR: He said donít twice.

NP: Yes there were too many doníts, Iím afraid.

PM: Ohhh!

NP: So Wendy got in with 48 seconds to tell us something about my best behaviour starting now.

WR: I...

BUZZ

NP: And Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

WR: Now listen! Iíve told you about this before!

NP: He wants you to have some more points Wendy, and youíve got one for being interrupted and you have 47 seconds to tell us something about my best behaviour starting now.

WR: I always try to be on my best behaviour. Unlike some of my fellow compatriots on this programme, I have...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry.

SF: Whatís all this drivel about fellow compatriots? Compatriot means a fellow countryman anyway so itís a deviant tautology!

NP: Well I think you are... there may...

SF: Oooohh!

NP: There may be a touch of tautology but on the other hand you are also compatriots of hers even if you are contestants. Youíre all of the same...

WR: Well youíre all fellows! Arenít you?

NP: Yes so I think youíre getting a bit too keen...

SF: Yes Iím sorry, I am, youíre right. A rush of blood to the head there, I think.

NP: Forty seconds Wendy, an incorrect challenge, you have another point, and you have 40 seconds to tell us more about my best behaviour starting now.

WR: I always do...

BUZZ

NP: And Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: She always begins "I always" and she did last time!

NP: I always do, yes, Iím afraid so, yes.

WR: Go on now!

PM: Donít get on the wrong side of her!

SF: The dangerous looks Iím getting now!

NP: Wendy you did repeat Iím afraid and Stephen got in with a correct challenge and you have 39 seconds Stephen to tell us something about my best behaviour starting now.

SF: My best behaviour, I suppose, tends to arise at any moment of some kind of tension, when one is literally on oneís best behaviour. Trying not to say the thought that comes into your mind...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Did we have two tryings?

NP: Yes you did.

SF: Oh.

NP: You did try too hard there, Iím afraid Stephen.

SF: Oh God!

NP: Wendy you got back in, another point, 29 seconds, my best behaviour starting now.

WR: Best behaviour is very important. One cannot go rushing about willy nilly upsetting others all over the place. I certainly donít think so anyway. My best behaviour, I think, is to try and sit quietly which is quite an achievement for me, in the corner somewhere, and watch other people disporting themselves, usually in some rowdy or noisy manner. I was all...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: I leapt into a bit of a hole there, a bit of a ...

NP: Yeah there was a hesitation yes Stephen.

SF: Hesitational hole.

NP: So you cleverly got in with only three seconds to go to tell us more about my best behaviour starting now.

SF: When confronted with members of the Royal dynasties of other countries, itís always is, as well to be on oneís...

WHISTLE

NP: So Stephen Fry was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point which is so valuable and Stephen youíre in second place behind Derek Nimmo, just ahead of Wendy Richard, and Paul Merton is in fourth place. And Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject keys. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Keys are rather useful really. It can be used perhaps to say to the Mediterranean, Gibraltar is the key. Also... Saint Peter...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation.

SF: Yeah.

NP: Yes, 52 seconds for you to tell us something about keys, Stephen, starting now.

SF: THE Quays in Florida are said to be very splendid. Thereís Quay West which I believe is the southern-most part of that country. And then thereís Quay Largo in the famous film with Edward G Robinson, of course. And there are the keys...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Key.

NP: Key, yes.

WR: Key, key.

NP: Youíre quite right.

SF: Oh!

WR: As opposed to keys!

NP: Thatís right.

SF: Thatís a good point, I like it. Yes.

NP: Keys is the subject on the card. You canít repeat keys but he repeated key. Well listened Wendy and...

SF: Nice, nice! Bitch! Fine, fine! No!

NP: And you have 42 seconds to tell us something about keys starting now.

WR: Iím very grateful for Stephen Fry for interrupting Derek Nimmo at the start of this round. I thought we were going to be given another list...

BUZZ

NP: And Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Deviation, we havenít got round to the subject of keys yet.

NP: No, no...

WR: I was just coming to it. You would have loved it what I was going to say.

PM: Who can say? Who can say?

NP: Who can say? No, I think you have to establish much earlier that youíre on the subject of keys. And so I agree with you Paul, deviation, 35 seconds, keys starting now.

PM: Some people like to use a keyring as a kind of sign of masculinity. They have this bunch of keys hanging down by their waistcoat. And you find out that most of these actual keys are for no good reason at all. There may be a key for the gree... er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He said key twice, as opposed to keys.

SF: He said keyring which is a hyphenated word.

NP: I heard keyring. Keyring is hyphenated, he didnít say keys...

PM: I did say for twice, but then you didnít challenge for that.

SF: Short-term memory!

NP: But no, he didnít say key twice. Paul you have another point for an incorrect challenge and you still have the subject of keys starting now.

PM: When I was 21 years old exactly, I was given the key to the door. Unfortunately I wasnít told which particular wooden partition this was! So I would go round London thrusting this key into various keyholes...

BUZZ

NP: And Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Thatís two keys, key to the door and thrusting a key.

NP: Keys is the subject, itís what Wendyís challenge was.

PM: Yes.

NP: Yes and you had two...

PM: Yes.

NP: Their key there, four seconds for you Stephen...

SF: Oh itís a shame.

NP: ...on the subject of keys starting now.

SF: The West Indian Quays is spelt very differently naturally enough. Quay can also mean, canít it...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Stephen Fry was then speaking as the whistle went, and heís now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. Then is Wendy Richard and Paul Merton following in that order. And Stephen Fry your turn to begin, the subject is morphology. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

SF: There are two distinct meanings to morphology. The first is kind of biological natural history word. It means the science of form. The Greek morphos means shake as in metamorphosis. And of course that morphology describes the way things are structured in some manner or other, doesnít it. The other kind is grammatical and is used as an assignation...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of kind.

SF: Oh.

NP: Yes, you talked about the first kind and now the other kind.

SF: Yeah right.

PM: Though I donít particularly want it!

NP: The audience have gone deathly quiet!

PM: He put them to sleep!

NP: Theyíre lost in amazement at your depth of knowledge and your erudition. There are 33 seconds for you to tell us something Paul about morphology starting now.

PM: There is a childrenís character made out of plasticine called Morph. And I do believe that his name...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Oh no, he said named didnít he. That was a meaningless interruption! Iím so sorry.

NP: Yes.

SF: Iím such an arse.

NP: So that was an incorrect challenge.

SF: Yes. Pity, isnít it.

NP: Paul has another point, 30 seconds on morphology starting now.

PM: Any copy of the English Oxford Dictionary will contain the word...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Not a copy with that page ripped out!

PM: I was, I was going to say helicopter!

SF: Yeah but if it had the H page ripped out, it would not have helicopter.

NP: And only someone as mean as you...

SF: Iím sorry.

NP: ...would think of a challenge like that. He was not strictly deviating from the basic rules of Just A Minute. So Paul you keep the subject, another point, 25 seconds on morphology starting now.

PM: I had a pet dog once that I called Morphology and I would take it for a walk in the park and I would shout out "Morphology! Morphology! Morphology!" And this canine would look around and wondered who was calling its name and it would be me. "Morphology!"

BUZZ

PM: Name and name!

SF: Thatís a name.

NP: Yes.

SF: No, you said it before.

NP: You said it before, name, and now youíve got the name again.

PM: Oh blimey!

NP: Yes!

PM: I only did Metalwork at school!

NP: Stephen you have nine seconds to tell us more about morphology starting now.

SF: As an instance of the way the term is used, one might say that the morphology of a human being is to have a single head, two ears, five fingers per hand...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of fingers. Five fingers.

NP: Well itís deviation, thereís four fingers and two thumbs.

PM: Thatís what I meant, yes.

SF: I said one might say that and many people do say that. One might say that a human beingís morphology is such that it has five fingers. And well one might, young Nicholas!

NP: You note the different tactics they employ! You didnít say that even though you might have tried to convey it. So Paul has another point and a correct challenge, one second on morphology starting now.

PM: My house...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, got an extra point for doing so and he is now equal in second place with Derek Nimmo. Our leader, one point ahead is Stephen Fry.

DN: Canít Anne Ling manage a better whistle than that? That was a pathetic noise, I thought.

NP: Whatís that?

SF: I thought it was dramatic and real, it reminded me of Fiona Shawís performance as Electra, it was heart-rending, it really was. It said so much, didnít it about lícondition of men, I thought.

PM: That last whistle reminded me of the 1972 Cup Final.

NP: Wendy itís your turn to begin, the subject is pop and you have 60 seconds as usual and you start now.

WR: Now does this mean pop as in music? Or pop as in fizzy drinks? If itís...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two as ins.

NP: As in.

WR: Oh poo!

NP: Donít ask the question, just take the subject and talk on pop whichever way you like Wendy.

WR: I know! And once Iíd established you see I was going to have two avenues down which to travel.

DN: I wouldnít... Iíd save it.

NP: Derek you have 55 seconds after a correct challenge to tell us something about pop starting now.

DN: Up and down the City Road, in and out the Eagle, thatís the way the money goes, pop goes the weasel! Because if youíve frequented that particular hostelry named after a bird of prey and drank a great deal, then you would have to go to a pawnbrokers and get rid of your weasel, which was...

BUZZ

NP: And Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Well thatís our second weasel, isnít it.

NP: Yes, very, yes. On that night you had the weasel too often. Thirty-five seconds for pop starting now.

SF: Pop! Iíve just done it! Itís a word used by sound engineers for that rather plosive noise on a P which you make against a microphone for which there is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, you canít pee against a microphone!

PM: I donít know, we had a pea in a whistle a few minutes ago!

NP: Give Derek a point for that. Stephen you have an incorrect challenge so you get another point and you keep the subject, it is pop, 26 seconds are left starting now.

SF: The friendly diminutive endearment for oneís Papa is Pop, isnít it. Oneís father. Itís a very...

BUZZ

SF: Oh oneís.

NP: And Wendy challenged.

WR: Two ones.

NP: Yes, well done Wendy, you have 20 seconds to tell us something about pop starting now.

WR: Iím not a great fan of pop music. I find...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of music.

NP: You mentioned music right at the beginning.

WR: Oh well it was so long ago, Iíd forgotten! Iím sorry!

NP: Paul Merton you have 17 seconds, taking over the subject of pop starting now.

PM: Pop can be an abbreviation of popular and it popped up quite a few times in the early 60s. Pop music indeed was...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy...

WR: Music.

NP: No, he hadnít said music before, you had.

DN: You were buzzing yourself!

WR: Sorry Paul.

NP: So Paul, wrong challenge and eight seconds left for pop starting now.

PM: And then of course there was pop art, a movement in this country which people such as Peter Blake, the artist, were extremely well-known for...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round, an interesting situation. Stephen Fry and Paul Merton are now equal in the lead but only one point ahead of Derek Nimmo and then Wendy following a little bit behind. And Paul itís your turn to begin, the subject, bottoming out. Will you take that any way you wish and you have 60 seconds as usual, start now.

PM: Stephen Fry said to me before the show began tonight, he said "Iím afraid Iím bottoming out..."

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry.

SF: Two saids, said to me, he said.

NP: Yes, he did indeed.

SF: What did I say, by the way? Iím sorry.

PM: Well...

SF: Weíll find out.

NP: Weíll find out.

PM: We may not.

NP: We may not. You got in very rapidly then Stephen, and 56 seconds are left, you tell us something now about bottoming out starting now.

SF: The term like so many popular ones these days is originally American. It refers to a vectorial graph where something reaches a bottom, its base, plateau and continues along it. This is said to be bottoming out. Our Chancellor, Norman Lamont has claimed that our recession is bottoming out at the moment. Itís scraping or bumping along the bottom, others prefer to say. However bottoming out...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two bottoms.

SF: Two bottoms.

NP: Yes there were two bottoms, yes. Derek well listened, you have a point, you have 33 seconds and you tell us now something about bottoming out starting now.

DN: My dear lamented late mother-in-law, one Lily Brown, of Clapham Road in Liverpool, bottomed out late in her life. And became quite large in that particular area! I remember going to the Bon Marche Shop in Liverpool. She tried on a...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: We had Liverpool twice there I think.

NP: Yes you had Liverpool before. Clapham Road, Liverpool, you said.

DN: I know, itís all right.

SF: Iím sorry.

WR: Makes a change from Hong Kong, doesnít it!

NP: Yes Stephen, 17 seconds for you to tell us more about bottoming out starting now.

SF: The great British workman is famed for bottoming out. Heíll bend down to pick up a shovel and whips! There are those two splendid cheeks with a little bit of hair down the cleft peeping out at us for all to see. The road menders and the drillers of pneumatic drills always seem to bottom out in public. Nobody quite knows why, but itís rather enjoyable as a sort of tourist...

WHISTLE

NP: The audience here have obviously seen what you describe. Yes I must say Stephen you kept going until the whistle went and so you gained that extra point, and youíve actually taken the lead at the end of that round ahead of Derek Nimmo and Paul Merton equal in second place and then Wendy. And Stephen your turn to begin. Fishing, will you tell us something about fishing in 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SF: Fishing sounds very like the Cantonese for underpants. I assume however youíre referring to the piscatorial arts. There is of course fishing, fly fishing and any other kind of fishing one might care to mention. Iím not a great fisherman as it happens Nicholas, this may or may not interest you. I know little about it. I did some fishing...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Wendy Richard...

WR: We had two mays didnít we? May or may not.

SF: Oh yes.

NP: May or may not.

SF: Yeah, yeah! God!

NP: Forty-five seconds, Wendy, you picked it up, fishing, will you tell us something about that subject starting now.

WR: My husband is keen on fishing and some years ago when we were in Ireland it was his birthday, and off he went fishing. A boat was arranged for him. He came back with this specimen fish and he got a certificate and a badge from the Irish Fishing Board. This was all very marvelous for him and I was very proud of him...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Too many hims.

NP: Yes there were too many hims.

SF: Oh itís such a little word!

NP: I know! Obviously you mean you didnít get in on it! But...

SF: Yes!

NP: ...Iíve got to be fair, she did say him more than once so Derek you came in and you have a correct challenge, 23 seconds are left for fishing starting now.

DN: I think probably the most exciting dayís fishing that Iíve ever had in my life was in the Rakaia river in the South Island of New Zealand. We were staying at Mount Snowdon Station and we went down into the river and there cast...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Second river there.

NP: Yes.

SF: Went down into the river...

DN: You canít possibly fish unless youíve got a river, can you?

SF: True, but you only need one! Just need the one, one river will do!

NP: You just need to go to the river once. Stephen, 15 seconds to tell us something about fishing starting now.

SF: As a young person, I would occasionally fish for sticklebacks in the... er...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Hesitation.

SF: Yes. There was.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation there...

SF: Not many! Whew!

NP: Wendy youíve got 10 seconds on fishing starting now.

WR: To get back to my original story, I heard the tale of this amazing thing that Paul had caught for six months afterwards...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of caught.

NP: Yes you came back as he caught a fish before, you see.

WR: Oh.

NP: Yes.

WR: I thought youíd all be interested to hear how it finished.

SF: Yeah we were!

NP: We were!

SF: What happened Wendy?

NP: Well tell us because thereís only half a second to go, what actually happened?

WR: Well, no, that was it, he just still talked about it for six months afterwards! I mean he still goes on about it now!

NP: Thatís the pay-off to the story?

SF: Pretty flabby story Wendy!

PM: You should get him on repetition!

WR: Yes!

NP: Paul you got in cleverly with half a second to go on fishing starting now.

PM: JR Hartley...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, gained that all-important extra point. I donít think youíd have won anyway Wendy but you did do very well, you finished in fourth place but a lot of points. Derek Nimmoís in third place, a lot of points. Stephen Fry whoís only played the game once before got a tremendous number of points and he finished in second place. But just one point ahead of him, Paul Merton! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and it only remains for me to say on behalf of all four of our clever and amusing contestants, Wendy Richard, Derek Nimmo, Paul Merton and Stephen Fry, Anne Ling whoís been keeping the score, and also on behlaf of the creator of the game Ian Messiter and our producer Sarah Smith and me Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in. We hope you enjoyed the show as much as we enjoyed playing it and will want to be with us again the next time we take to the air and play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC