JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,WRichard
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and WENDY RICHARD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 February 1992)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute.

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And once more it is my pleasure as the Minute Waltz fades away to introduce the four personalities who are going to play Just A Minute, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Wendy Richard. Will you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Anne Ling who keeps the score and also blows her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And once more Iím going to ask the four players of the game to speak on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. Clement Freud will you begin the show this week and the subject is advertising. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Advertising is something which is specifically prohibited in the British Broadcasting Corporationís charter which was fashioned by Parliament some time after the First World war. It is for this reason that Iím reluctant to talk glowingly about British Railways...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WENDY RICHARD: Was that the second British there?

CF: Yeah.

NP: Yes thatís right, he repeated the word British. So the first point of the show goes to Wendy Richard for a correct challenge and she takes over the subject of advertising with 42 seconds left starting now.

WR: The trouble is, when one comes to the Christmas period, thereís far too much advertising of toys on children. And itís always aimed at the children, obviously, who then nag their parents into buying a lot of expensive doodahs and thingamy-bobs and what have you for them... to open...

BUZZ

WR: Oh go on then.

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: A sort of a hesitation building up.

WR: Yes.

NP: Yes I agree, and 23 seconds on advertising Derek starting now.

DN: Advertising is an interesting subject. I remember somebody once said that doing business...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: He said itís an interesting subject. That surely remains to be seen!

NP: I think he can make a personal opinion Peter.

PJ: You think so?

NP: Oh yes. Yes I mean everybody does, always.

PJ: Well he should make it after heís made the interesting remark surely.

NP: I donít think it really matters...

PJ: No it doesnít matter, Iím just trying to keep the game going, you know.

NP: An incorrect challenge Peter, youíre trying very hard this week.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Iím delighted to see it. Derek has an incorrect challenge, so he gets a point for that of course. Nineteen seconds are left for him to tell us something about advertising starting now.

DN: Doing business without advertising is rather like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what youíre doing but nobody else does! So I think itís terribly important to advertise as much as you possibly can whatever your wares might be. I once ran rock and roll concerts, and I used to wander around the streets with an alligatorís head on...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And it was Derek Nimmo who has of course taken the lead at the end of the round. Wendy it is your turn to begin, the subject, pratfalls. Will you tell us... I donít know why youíre laughing. It sounds disgusting but it isnít actually. And Wendy might tell us something about it as she begins now.

WR: In my humble opinion, the master of all pratfalls was Dickie Henderson. When you saw him do his act, when it was sitting in the bar. You know, itís quarter to three, thereís no-oone in the place except you and me. And then he does this pratfall as he leaves. He was the best. Mind you, in the new series of Grace and Favour, Mollie Sugden does a brilliant pratfall when weíre in the courtroom. She goes down like a tree being felled, it really is a wonderful sight to behold...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of wonderful.

NP: Derek you have a point for a correct challenge, and 31 seconds to talk on pratfalls starting now.

DN: Forty miles north of Christchurch on the South Island of New Zealand are the Pratt Falls. Edmund Pratt went out to Timaru in 1861, the original Canterbury settlers there. And on the Rakaia River he found and discovered the Falls that now bear his name. I went salmon fishing there last year and caught a 16 and a half pounder which gave me tremendous pleasure. He didnít live very long after that because he became a convert of Bishop Selwyn who was going round preaching to the Maoris and Pratt...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís got a long way from the Pratt Falls.

NP: Yes heís going on about, um...

PJ: The Bishop!

NP: And the chap himself, Pratt.

DN: Pratt Falls Iím talking about on the Rakaia River.

PJ: I know, theyíre very well-known, Pratt Falls, we all know them, of course.

NP: Youíre going on about...

PJ: Weíve seen postcards!

NP: ...the feller...

PJ: God knows I was brought on the Pratt Falls frankly! Very familiar!

NP: You've got on, deviated on to the feller Pratt and Peter Jones has got in with four seconds to go on pratfalls starting now.

PJ: I thought they were in the Blue Mountains, just outside Sydney in New South Wales...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter you were speaking as the whistle went, got another point, and youíre equal with Wendy Richard in third place, then Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo one point ahead in the lead. Derek your turn to begin, the subject fax. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

DN: I suppose you mean by fax the abbreviation of facsimile, which is the way of transmitting by telephone wire information around the world. You can actually reproduce instantly in Jakarta that which you are feeding into your machine in London. It was invented originally by the Japanese. Because of course their language being comprised of pictograms or, they couldnít actually send them by telex. So they had to find a new form of sending these letters around the world...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Havenít we had a lot of sendings there?

NP: Yes we did have a repetition of sending. So Wendy you have 32 seconds to tell us something about fax starting now.

WR: I have a fax machine which I find extremely useful. Itís one way of communicating very quickly and cheaper to use than a telephone. My...

BUZZ

WR: What now?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Not!

WR: What?

CF: Not, the same price.

WR: Itís cheaper to send a fax because it takes longer to say something, whereas you put that bit of paper through quicker than speaking to somebody over the phone.

NP: And yes... Itís a question of judgement, I mean, you might put something more briefly on a piece of paper than you would if you chatted on the phone.

PJ: Youíre not counting the time writing the letter to start with, are you?

NP: No Wendy, I take your point. Because if you talk on the phone you probably chatter away and spend longer...

WR: No, I donít, no I donít...

NP: Iím supporting you!

WR: Oh thank you!

NP: Iím supporting you! For goodness sake agree with me, because Iím not going to agree with Clement and let you keep the subject. Twenty-three seconds, tell us more about fax starting now.

WR: Billy Burden has a wonderful line in Grace and Favour when he comes in to the main hall...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Is she going to keep on plugging this show that sheís in?

WR: Itís no worse than you going on with your place dropping!

NP: Incorrect challenge Wendy, 18 seconds on fax starting now.

WR: Where he comes in and he has to say "facts is facts and thatís a fax!" And I thought that was absolutely marvelous. And fortunately so did most of the audience...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: I donít think she ought to give any more quotes! Might damage the show, you see!

NP: So what is your challenge Peter?

PJ: Well advertising in a sort of negative way!

NP: Well tried Peter. Wendy you have another point, eight seconds, fax, starting now.

WR: I donít know where I would be without my fax. It is so...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones you challenged.

PJ: In exactly the same place!

NP: Because you started off before saying I donít know where I would be without my fax.

WR: Did I?

NP: Yes you did.

PJ: Repetition if she did.

NP: Yes, so Peter...

WR: I may have finished what I was going to say...

NP: ... youíve got four seconds, tell us something about fax starting now.

PJ: They will never replace the old fashioned telegram. Thatís what I miss, particularly when they used to appear in a play, when opening...

WHISTLE

NP: I agree with you Peter, there is something rather exciting about a telegram. You have moved forward with that extra point, youíre now in second place. Clement, weíre back with you to begin and the subject is the video. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: I donít know about the video. But a video is the sort of thing that you stick into a toast rack placed under the machine which shows television pictures. And if you press the right button thereís no reason in the world why the programme you intended to tape doesnít come out, provided you put your thumb on to the point on the dial...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Well...

NP: Youíve come to his rescue, really, havenít you.

PJ: Yes I did really.

NP: Yes.

PJ: It seemed as though we were heading for a terminal hesitation!

NP: Peter yes hesitation, 34 seconds are left for you to tell us something about the video starting now.

PJ: When I went out at the beginning of this show for a few minutes, I went to telephone my wife to ask her to put the video on at 10.00 because I might not be home in time and Iím actually taking part in a programme thatís going to appear, er, at that hour...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Er. Hesitation.

NP: You went er.

PJ: Was that hesitation?

NP: Yes there was a hesitation.

PJ: You heard it as well?

NP: I heard it, yes.

PJ: It must be right then.

NP: Well I think you tried to remember what the programme was you were in , and you hesitated.

PJ: I didnít want to advertise, you see.

NP: That was it. Derek, correct challenge, you have 17 seconds to tell us something about the video starting now.

DN: Talking about video, President Bush when in Australia recently, actually Melbourne, said the only button he had his finger on now was the video. And he no longer had it on the atomic bomb. That was rather a relief I thought, except knowing how inadequate I am with the video, I thought I might blow the whole thing up if I had my finger on...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Hello, Iím afraid Clement challenged just before the whistle went.

CF: Repetition of finger.

NP: Yes you had your finger out just a bit too often there. And he got in with half a second to go on the video Clement starting now.

CF: Aha!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement managed to get in just before the whistle, gained an extra point for doing that. He and Derek Nimmo are equal in second place, theyíre both one point behind Wendy Richard and Peter Jones who are in the lead together. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, exercise. Tell us something about it if you can in this game starting now.

PJ: Well I do try to do a bit. It doesnít, it isnít something that comes to me very naturally. I need an incentive, some objective, like going to buy something or visit a person. If, I mean animals donít exercise because they need it, they just are looking after something. For instance, greyhounds run after the electric hare. Now I dare say if a mechanical machine could be arranged with Wendy Richard on it, I...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy challenged before she went on to that machine!

WR: A bit of a hesitation.

PJ: Well it was getting to the exciting part actually!

NP: Yes and then you hesitated Peter.

PJ: Yes.

NP: I agree with Wendyís challenge, 35 seconds Wendy for you, tell us about exercise starting now.

WR: Exercise is good for us all, whether we like it or not. Having just made to a house, I find that I get enough exercise running up and down the stairs. Plus I have to walk a lot now because I have a pet. I also go to a gym to exercise. Itís good for you as far as...

BUZZ

WR: What now?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two goods.

NP: Yes, youíre too good. You see, exercise is good for you, you said right at the beginning.

WR: Oh dear.

NP: And now you said good again. So Clement you have nine seconds to tell us something about exercise starting now.

CF: Exercise is an extraordinarily profitable industry. And there are now in the cities and towns of this country and increasing number of gymnasia which open for...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went has moved forward and heís now equal with Wendy Richard in the lead. But Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo are not far behind. And Wendy itís your turn to begin, so Iím going to give you the subject of an odd pet. And you have 60 seconds starting now.

WR: Those of you who have heard me on this programme before will know that I go on about little Henry, my pet cockateel. Well she is an odd pet. But now I have another odd pet, because last April I acquired a lovely little Cairn Terrier whom I have called Shirley Brahms. Now you might say there is not an odd pet about a... dog...

BUZZ

WR: I couldnít think of another word for dog!

NP: I know. Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation yes. So 36 seconds are left Derek, can you tell us about an odd pet starting now.

DN: In 1955 I was road manager to Al Martino, and Petula Clark...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: I, I didnít hear that. Did you say you were romancing with Al Martino? What did you say?

DN: I said I was road manager to Al Martino. I was trying to get a sort of action, moving it along, a bit of speed.

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: You have it so much nobody heard what the word you said. So what was your challenge Peter?

PJ: Oh I, er, ah, er, Iím embarrassed now, I donít want to embarrass Derek, his personal life is his own affair, I mean, I donít want to drag it out into the open.

NP: So we wonít charge you any points on that and Derek you have 32 seconds to continue, an odd pet, starting now.

DN: Petula Clark had at that time just been in the Huggets with Kathleen Harrison who is 100 years old on the 25th of February 1992. But she was rather an odd Pet. She had even then these tremendous Francophile leanings. And it was no surprise to me when soon afterwards she married a Frog and went to live in Paris or as youíll have to call it soon Paree if the European Commissioners have their way. But another odd pet I know of is a boa constrictor which is 12 feet long and...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek kept going till the whistle went, gained another point for doing so and heís now equal with Clement Freud and Wendy Richard in the lead. Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is censorship. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

DN: Well I donít really like censorship. It is quite extraordinary that the... attempt...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: That was a hesitation.

NP: No, no, no, not quite Wendy. He hadnít really got going, it was only five seconds there. So Derek I donít agree with the challenge, so you have 55 seconds to continue with censorship starting now.

DN: The attempt to... muzzle Salman Rushdie has actually...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy challenged.

WR: We did have a hesitation then.

NP: Well that was hesitation, definitely yes. He swallowed it! So Wendy, 50 seconds left and you have censorship starting now.

WR: I do believe in censorship in some respects. I think itís important that when it comes to certain magazines or newspapers that are of the lower standards then there should be censorship. In fact they should be taken off the streets altogether. But... I (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: That was a bit of a hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, it was a complete full-stop!

PJ: Oh it was, yes. Well I, I...

NP: I think they were all amazed at what you were going to say next!

PJ: Well I know, yes.

NP: And she didnít even know herself!

PJ: Bring back the birch, I thought!

NP: There are 26 seconds left for you Peter Jones to tell us something about censorship as you see it, starting now.

PJ: Well of course I donít believe there should be any censorship at all, unless you could find exactly the right person to be the censor. Now modesty forbids me...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I agree with Peter Jones.

NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

CF: I, I think he deserves a point!

NP: See how generous they can be on occasions. Yes because you were interrupted Peter, you do get a point for that and you continue with censorship and 18 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Because I think I could be a wonderful censor, ah, ship...

BUZZ

PJ: I said censor before.

NP: Clement challenged again.

CF: I think heíd be a very good censor!

NP: Yes, what is your challenge?

CF: I agree again.

NP: You agree again?

CF: Yep.

NP: Youíre not going to have him for hesitation on ship?

CF: Oh no no!

NP: See heís given you another point?

PJ: Well thatís very good.

NP: Thirteen seconds are left for you to carry on in this way about censorship Peter starting now.

PJ: I should enjoy seeing a lot of the films that people argue about, and some people want banned. And I think the idea of censoring television would be particularly interesting because of course...

BUZZ

NP: Derek er Nimmo challenged.

DN: Too interesting! Repetition of interesting.

NP: Yes you did say something about interesting before Peter.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes. Derek got in with one second to go on censorship starting now.

DN: The Lord Chamberlain had to censor all plays...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went and got an extra point and others in the round so heís now in the lead. Oh itís terribly interesting, heís one ahead of Peter Jones, whoís one ahead of Wendy Richard whoís one ahead of Clement Freud. Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, the subject, grounds. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: In the county town of March in Cambridgeshire, there is an estate agent called Grounds to whom I went when I was elected a Parliamentary prospective candiadte and said "please would you find me an office because I wish to represent the Liberal Party." And he said "no problem at all". And I went back to him three or four times without success, before somebody told me that he was the President of the Conservative Party. Which is why it took me such a very long time to find anywhere from which place to operate. Grounds for divorce are commonly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Well he just stopped, didnít he.

NP: He just stopped. He couldnít think of any grounds for divorce which is very apt. So 21 seconds for you to tell us something about grounds Derek starting now.

DN: Non-consummation of the marriage might certainly be grounds for divorce as...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Itís a ground for divorce, not grounds.

NP: I think actually, even if...

PJ: Well if it only happened once, I suppose!

NP: Then it would be consumation, Peter! So I give you the benefit of the doubt on this one Derek and tell you to continue on grounds with 15 seconds starting now.

DN: The Melbourne Cricket Ground is the largest oval that I have seen in the southern hemisphere, or indeed in the northern one as well. Iíve been there on many occasions and would particularly like to be there for the one-day series which is about...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: He said there twice.

NP: Thatís a mean challenge but it is correct. All right Wendy you cleverly got in with two seconds to go on grounds starting now.

WR: Iíve been to Sydney Cricket Ground and I...

WHISTLE

NP: So theyíre all very close still. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, limelight. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well that was the old fashioned kind of stage lighting that required a lime-filled tin or cylinder of metal which was heated to a high degree and gave a flood of very white light on a stage. Now itís used as a metaphor for seeking publicity and trying to get into the centre of things and generally having an ego trip, if you can possibly arrange it. Like getting your name in the newspapers headlines for instance. That would, I suppose, count as being in the limelight. And I donít know how many people here have actually ever had the experience of being in a flood-lit stage, or on one, and having the audience staring at you. And you feel that itís really too much to bear and er...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek yes?

DN: Well er.

NP: No thereís only seven seconds to go. No five seconds. Oh you almost made it...

PJ: Well I er...

NP: Because last week Peter Jones kept going for 60 seconds, in fact he went for 75 seconds.

PJ: Well you could count that 15 seconds extra on...

NP: I donít know if it was actually last week, but it was one of the shows. You got in quite correctly Derek so Iíve got to be fair within the game. Five seconds are left for limelight with you Derek starting now.

DN: Im Sydney Cricket Ground, Wendy Richard standing in the middle of the oval was in the limelight. And gosh she talked about Grace Brothers and all the wonderful series that sheís done..

WHISTLE

NP: Right, so now in the lead is Derek Nimmo ahead of Wendy Richard and then Peter Jones and Clement Freud in that order. And Wendy your turn to begin, the subject, my name. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

WR: My name is invented by JM Barrie who wrote Peter Pan and Wendy. My mother gave me my name because that was her favourite tale. Also you cannot shorten my name. If my mother... oh no...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenges, yeah?

CF: Repetition of mother.

WR: Yes.

NP: Yes and you can shorten it to Wen. Forty-three seconds are left for you Clement on my name starting now.

CF: When I was born I understand that there was some discussion as to what should be my name. And among suggestions were Alexander, Bernard, Clement, David, Edgar, Frederick, George, Harry, Ivor, James, Kenneth, Leonard...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well heís listing again, isnít he. He did a few weeks ago!

NP: Thatís very observant of you Peter, yes.

PJ: Well I thought Iíd let him get going. Give him a chance, you know but I thought it was over the top. But er...

NP: He wasnít, he wasnít...

PJ: Thatís a different game altogether!

NP: Itís not one of the rules of Just A Minute.

PJ: No.

NP: You can have a list if you want to.

PJ: You can?

NP: So it was an incorrect challenge.

PJ: Oh I see.

NP: Iím sorry Peter.

PJ: Yes.

NP: I donít know if heís going to continue with the list but he has 25 seconds left to tell us something about my name starting now.

PJ: Being boring doesnít count?

CF: Other names were considered, amongst them Leonard, Martin, Norman, Oliver...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of Leonard.

NP: You did have Leonard before Iím afraid.

CF: He interrupted me on Leonard.

NP: He may have interrupted but if you say it previously.

CF: No, thatís what he buzzed on.

NP: Clement you have the benefit of the doubt and you have another point for an incorrect challenge and you have 22 seconds, my name, starting now.

CF: Oliver, Peter, Quentin, Richard, Sylvester, Thomas, Victor, Wenceslas, Xavier, Yves and Zaraphustra...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I think if heíd been called Eve that would have been deviation!

NP: It would have been deviation but um...

CF: Not with a Y!

NP: They could, they still could have considered it, couldnít they. So we give Derek Nimmo a bonus point because we enjoyed the challenge, a point to Clement because he was interrupted and he still keeps going with nine seconds on my name starting now.

CF: Every year newspapers tend to publish the most popular and unpopular names that have been listed in the births columns thereof. And it is a...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud, who was in fourth place, with all that list of names has leapt forward into second place behind Derek Nimmo whoís still in the lead. We have time for one more round, sensationalism, that is the subject. Clement itís your turn to begin. Can you tell us something about sensationalism starting now.

CF: Sensationalism is rather a good long word with which to begin the last round of Just A Minute. It could be manifested for instance by working on to a stage wearing no underwear, and expecting the sort of audience reaction which senastionalism nearly always attracts, people gaping; opening their mouths, stretching their eyes, tightening their teeth, looking for all the world as if what you had done was unique and had never before been attempted...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: How would they know you havenít got any underwear?

CF: They looked! Youíd be wearing a kilt.

WR: Well you didnít make that clear in the beginning. I mean like you could walk on wearing a suit and not have any ninnies or anything on underneath and nobody would know.

NP: Well I thought he had got any underwear or any trousers on, this character. Thatís why it was sensational.

PJ: I think he exaggerated the effect that it would have on the audience!

NP: In todayís permissive age, youíre probably right.

PJ: Yes, yes.

NP: Or do you think itís the individual concerned?

PJ: Clement, you mean?

NP: Yes.

PJ: Well no, I mean I think he could go on stark naked and there wouldnít be that much of a reaction!

NP: Clement I disagree with the challenge so you have 26 seconds to continue on sensationalism starting now.

CF: Many newspaper use sensationalism simply to sell copies. And however boring the issue they report, thanks to the way it is treated by the reporters and their editors, it comes out as if it were compulsive sensationalism. For instance, quite a small fire in a back street in Kensington near Derek Nimmoís home would give the headlines in the Sun on the grounds that Famous Actor...

WHISTLE

NP: What would your headline be Clement? Famous Actor?

CF: The whistle went.

NP: Oh youíre going to deprive us of that. Well a very interesting result. In fourth place was Peter Jones. he was only three points behind Wendy Richard. And Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud finished up with the equal number of points so we declare them both the joint winners. Itís sad for me to have to say this is the last programme in this present series of Just A Minute but...

CRIES OF "AWWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well we all feel the same. We hope to be back doing another series. But until then it only remains for me to say on the four excellent players of the game today, Wendy Richard, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo. And also thank Anne Ling for keeping the time so well and blowing the whistle so magnificently. Ian Messiter for creating the game and keeping us all in employment and Sarah Smith for so beautifully directing and editing the programme. And from me, Nicholas Parsons, itís goodbye till next series. Until then, thank you very much for listening. Bye-bye!

THEME MUSIC