JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,GJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 November 1968)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is this weekís chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And need I remind you of the rules? Perhaps I should remind myself. Theyíre going to try and speak each one of them for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject which I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. And if either the other two think the third one is guilty of this crime, they may challenge and so gain points for themselves or otherwise which I am sure will become clear as we proceed. Geraldine it is your turn to begin and for that fine academic mind of yours, Pythagoras. What about that for a good subject for you? And would you start talking now.

GERALDINE JONES: Pythagoras was a rather ordinary Greek who lived a long time ago. Apart from this though, he and I do have one thing in common. We both doodle. While I throw all my doodles modestly away however, he kept his. And among them was a lot of doodling with a triangle. Among this, the scholars in subsequent ages have discovered various things about triangles which strike me as the most incredibly irrelevant and boring facts. Itís odd enough that you should want to investigate a triangle at all. But even supposing that you do, why would you investigate how many squares it can have on each of its sides...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, youíve challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Squares on a triangle.

NP: Geraldine would you like to qualify what you were going to say in half a sentence or one sentence?

GJ: Pythagorasís idea, itís all I know about him, Iím afraid.

NP: Ah you donít know enough I think to keep your point so...

CF: I think she ought to, itís quite right because Pythagoras talked...

NP: Yes the square of the hypotenuse...

CF: Yes.

NP: ... is equal to the square of the other two sides.

CF: Yes thatís right, Iím sorry. Yes so Geraldine...

NP: But I thought Geraldine didnít know that, so i was going to give the point to you.

CF: I thought perhaps she didnít know it.

NP: Clement Freud, youíre very magnanimous. You challenge to get points and then you give them back to the person you challenge. What a magnificent gesture! All right! Geraldine, Clement Freudís given you a point and you have still 27 seconds for Pythagoras starting now.

GJ: I now know that the sum of the squares of the hypotenuse, thanks to Clement Freud and Nicholas Parsons, equals...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Because itís not the sum of the squares on the hypotenuse, itís the sum...

NP: Youíre quite right!

CF: Itís the sum of the squares on the other two sides.

NP: The square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides. Clement Freud, you have 22 seconds for Pythagoras starting now.

CF: Pythagoras was very happily married to an elderly woman known as Blueberry Pie around that part of Greece. And Pythagoras and Blueberry raised many children who were famous in their own field of Geometry and pure arithmetic, and kept Algebra entirely out of it.

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones. Why did you challenge?

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so, Iím surprised you didnít challenge before. You have Pythagoras back for two seconds Geraldine starting now.

GJ: Pythagoras was a...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, you have another point, you have one second, Clement Freud, for Pythagoras starting now.

CF: The people...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones is in.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, of course, youíre absolutely right. Yes you have half a second Geraldine for Pythagoras starting now.

GJ: He was a terribly sadistic...

BELL

BUZZ

NP: Actually Ian Messiter whoís sitting beside me managed to pip Clement Freud there. So Geraldine gets the point, she gets an extra point for speaking as the buzzer went, so... Well Clement Freud is now a little in the lead, one point behind is Geraldine Jones and one point behind that is Kenneth Williams. Clement Freud, your turn to begin. The subject that we hope you can talk to us about, making a cup of tea. Can you discuss that in 60 seconds starting now?

CF: Making a cup of tea is rather more difficult than making a pot of tea. But I will try to answer the question that you gave me. Perhaps slightly devious, but we shall see. You get a cup and ideally warm it. And put into the cup tea leaves which should er...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones, yes?

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, he was trying to be so clever in taking the subject literally which I thought was a great effort. But anyway you have a point Geraldine, you have 40 seconds for making a cup of tea starting now.

GJ: As a patriotic English woman itís very difficult to talk about making a cup of tea. Because the only people who make cups of tea are foreigners. People who dangle teabags in a cup of water and produce a rather revolting insipid brew which generally doesnít taste awfully nice with milk. This reminds me, of course, of brewing which I shall...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Reminds her of brewing. Weíre talking about cups of tea.

NP: But as you can also brew tea, I think itís not justified. Geraldine you have another point, you have 22 seconds for making a cup of tea starting now.

GJ: Itís no use really letting a cup of tea stand in order to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition, second cup.

NP: Yes, certainly a lot of cups of tea. Clement you have another point and you have 20 seconds for making a cup of tea starting now.

CF: If to be reminded of brewing is not deviation, a cup of tea reminds me of flying. You sit in a seat and you pull forward a propeller lever...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams... lovely to hear from you!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well yes! Theyíre being so nice to each other, Iím bemused here, I am. Deviation, of course. Sitting in airplanes is nothing to do with discussing making a cup of tea. Deviation.

NP: Do you wish to justify it very rapidly Clement? Can you in one sentence?

CF: Iíd like to hear Kenneth Williams.

KW: Thank you ever so.

NP: You have 10 seconds Kenneth and you have another point of course, you have making a cup of tea and you start now.

KW: Tea of course as everyone knows is grown on the Chilton and Cotswold hills...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud. Clement Freud?

CF: Not grown on the Chilton.

NP: Half a point each! You have divided points! Right a half point each, so weíre still with you Kenneth with five seconds to go, making a cup of tea starting now.

KW: And these girls pick this tea and theyíre dressed in gay bandanas which they wrap around their heads and they cry out...

BELL

KW: Oh tell me, Iíve leapt into the lead!

NP: You leapt all but into the lead. You are but half a point behind Geraldine who is half a point behind Clement Freud.

KW: Ooooooooohh!

NP: Itís neck and neck! And Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin with a delightful subject. Proposals, 60 seconds if you can starting now.

KW: Proposals, the word, of course, is derived from pro which is to be for something, and pose which is of course to pretend to be something youíre not. Many people... many people connect it with marriage which of course would fulfill that definition because many people would wish they hadnít got the one they were stuck with. In a sense that makes sense. On the other hand, a lady once told me that she was proposed to by a carrier pigeon and she... yes, she said she was there in her garden waiting for a message, watching the birds wheeling and turning. And a neighbour said "what are you doing?" And she said "Iím waiting for it!" And she said, she said "oh dear, I think youíre asking for it!"

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes.

KW: No!

NP: No, no, you can embroider to us, I can go with you to a certain extent but...

KW: When I get going, I often throb a bit.

NP: Yes. You were throbbing too much. I said I can go with you to a certain extent on your embroidery Kenneth but I think you went a little far on this occasion. So Clement Freud has an extra point, he has 16 seconds for proposals starting now.

CF: The normal method of proposing to the young woman who you want to take as your wife is to approach her father and ask him whether you can have her hand in matrimony. This is ideally done by getting down on one knee which you will later do to the girl in question and say "sir..."

BELL

NP: I would have thought that was rather devious saying to the girl in question "sir"! Clement Freud as you were speaking as the bell went... you have taken a good lead I would say, yes. And Geraldine is still a little bit behind you and Kenneth is half a point behind Geraldine. Geraldine, the subject for you now, spooks. Will you try and talk for Just A Minute starting now.

GJ: Spooksís Christian name was Jim. He was a very tall thin young man and he used to drink vast quantities of whiskey and brandy. And because all the people he associated with were high powered dynamic wits, they used to make lots of puns on his name and call him Spirits for short. Of course he used to also...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. I agree, you have another point Kenneth, you have 48 seconds for... no less than... no, 43 seconds for spooks starting now.

KW: This is of course the plural film of to cock a snook which means to act derisively with a form of gesture...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Regrettably deviation.

NP: Yes, could you justify it just for the audience.

GJ: Well snooks instead of spooks with a P.

NP: Yes and itís spooks.

KW: Oh! Your dictionís dreadful!

NP: However bad my diction may be if youíd been listening to Geraldine Jones at all openly, youíd realise that she was on about spirits and such like.

KW: But Iím concentrating on whether she hesitates or not. How can I be expected to follow her?

NP: I think youíre emotionally thinking of cocking a snook.

KW: Yes!

NP: So Geraldine Jones has another point, she has the subject back with 34 seconds left for spooks starting now.

GJ: Spooks always strikes me as a terribly metallic angular word...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?... You pressed your buzzer! Do you wish to retract your...

CF: Yes it was a thumb slip!

NP: What we have before described as one of those Freudian slips! Back with you Geraldine and no points lost, but next time I will have to penalise. Twenty-nine seconds for spooks starting now.

GJ: It was in fact one of the spooks that Iím talking about that pressed Clement Freudís buzzer just now. They behave in a rather er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes this time youíre right. You have a point Clement and you have 21 seconds for spooks starting now.

CF: Rudyard Kipling was very impressed with this subject and wrote a poem which began "spooks, spooks, moving up and down again and later sided..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Completely untrue, itís deviation, it was "boots, boots, boots, that are marching down..." Nothing to do with spooks.

NP: I thought you were going to have him for repetition, we had about seven spooks.

KW: Oh yes, repetition as well.

NP: Yes.

KW: Yes that should get me two points!

NP: Ian Messiter whoís sitting beside me thinks you should, I donít know why! No actually I donít know that Rudyard Kipling one day didnít write down "spooks, spooks, spooks, spooks". So I...

KW: But itís not been published though.

NP: No. But as you didnít challenge correctly I will give you one point, but I will give the subject back to Clement Freud. Clement you have nine seconds for spooks starting now.

CF: On a dark wet August night this is the sort of thing you are likely to see in the belfry of any provincial church. It comes up wet...

BUZZ

BELL

NP: I think Geraldineís challenge came in just beforehand, didnít it?

IAN MESSITER: A split second.

NP: A split second. All right Geraldine what was your challenge?

GJ: Deviation, we donít know what he was talking about. Unless Kipling appears in the belfry!

NP: Oh I think youíre all trying to be too clever now. No, no, I wonít allow that. But as you buzzed just as the buzzer went, Clement gets just one point for speaking as the buzzer went, heís got his round of applause and heís definitely in the lead. And one point behind him is Kenneth Williams and one point behind is Geraldine Jones. Clement Freud it is now your turn to begin, you have the weather. And anybody can talk about that in this country for considerable time but Just A Minute will do starting now.

CF: Thereís an awful lot of weather in this country. And you mostly get it above the ground, often as high up as in the sky. It rains and it snows and sometimes it thunders. Itís a very handsome subject with which to meet people...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, weather canít be called handsome. It might be applied to a man! It might be applied to me! Many people have said it of me! But you couldnít say the weather was handsome, no!

NP: You couldnít?

KW: No!

NP: Iíll tell you what weíll do, weíll put it to the audience once again. If you think that Kenneth Williamsís challenge was justified and if you do will you cheer. if you think he was unjustified will you boo. And will you all do it now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I don;t know whether itís easier to cheer than boo, I donít know, but theyíre certainly with you Kenneth Williams. You have another point and you have 43 seconds for the weather starting now.

KW: Well weather of course can be delightful. And I always go off to the east for the sunshine, you see. Because you do get the sunshine in the east that you never get here. And I lay out there with my tan oil and I rub it on, rub it all over myself, really luxuriate...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: No I would have had him for deviation, because I donít know what suntan oil is... you know I think this is getting very devious. No Kenneth Williams has 26 seconds for the weather starting now.

KW: And indeed I have had such a tan, Iíve been sometimes compared with Morocco leather. Youíve all seen those Morocco leather pouffes...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Deviation.

NP: Definitely! I wonít go any further! One definite deviation and one point to you Geraldine with 18 seconds for the weather, you start now.

GJ: I am the tainted weather of the flock is a line in Shakespeare which I have never been able to make out. It seems incredible that weather, which we all know is the only subject of conversation for those who donít like talking, is er connected...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, you have another point Clement, you have six seconds for the weather starting now.

CF: Snowing is quite an interesting aspect of weather. It usually happens in winter when the day is cold...

BELL

NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin, and I think itís about time we had a penalty. So in this round weíll have a penalty. You mustnít mention the word to. That includes T-O, T-double O or T-W-O. The subject is relations and you start now.

KW: Relations, well of course this generally refers to public...

BUZZ

NP: Clement.

CF: Kenneth said to.

NP: You have another point, you have 54 seconds for relations starting now.

CF: I have relations in Tou-louse...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: To!

NP: Clement Freud what were you going to say? I think I know.

CF: I said I have relations in Toulouse!

NP: Yes youíre quite right!

GJ: So sorry!

NP: So Clement Freud cleverly has another point, he has er 52 seconds for relations starting now.

CF: While a middle aged aunt of mine lives in Tew-kesbury, I visit her usually on Tue-sdays when we go...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones? Geraldine Jones?

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, youíre correct, you have another point, you have 43 seconds for relations starting now.

GJ: Relations are a nice composite term for all those people in your family that you donít know awfully well. The sort of aunts and cousins and sisters. Not sisters really, sisters... relations perhaps, in-laws and... cousins...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. Clement you have another point, you have 30 seconds for relations and none of the penalties, to-too-two-to, starting now.

CF: Tombs are beautiful places in which one finds these people. Aunts, sisters, uncles, grandfathers and grandmothers. All of these apply under the term relations. And relationship is a sort of boat with which one goes and sees...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

GJ: Well weíre on to relationships.

NP: Thatís a very clever challenge. I would have had him for hesitation, I thought he was getting down so slowly I donít think he could have gone any slower actually. But all right, a clever challenge. Geraldine you have another point, you have nine seconds for relations starting now.

GJ: Relations of course donít have to apply to people...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: To apply.

NP: Very good. Clement Freud you have another point and you have the subject back with seven seconds to go starting now.

CF: A second cousin twice removed is the sort of...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, he mentioned cousins before. We had about eight cousins before.

CF: We havenít had a single second cousin!

NP: We havenít had a second cousin, I think we only had cousins once in any relationship. So...

KW: Well I havenít spoken for ages!

NP: Clearly youíre limited on relations Kenneth! Anyway Iím afraid Kenneth you have given Clement Freud another point with three seconds to go with relations Clement starting now.

CF: And a lukewarm case could be made for a mother-in-law...

BELL

NP: Well Clement with all his relations has taken a definite lead. And equal second are Geraldine Jones and Kenneth Williams. Perhaps the balance can be redressed this time by Geraldine Jones. The subject, oh, weíll have another penalty with this one too. Without saying the word of, O-F. And the subject is getting a break. A little second to think about it and start now.

GJ: Naturally the best place to go to get a break is Oxford. You find the ideal situation for this in a little shop in a little back street where a nice man has a great selection of boxes in which...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Of boxes.

NP: Of boxes. Youíre right, you have a point Clement, you have getting a break starting now.

CF: The best time to get a break is when you are particularly hungry. When you can go to a shop and purchase something which will make you less hungry, like a large bar coated with chocolate, or a small piece of chocolate with some bar outside it. In school there is a break at about half an hour before...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I definitely think so. Geraldine you have the subject back with another point, you have 25 seconds for getting a break, not saying the word of, starting now.

GJ: This is terribly difficult because brakes are normally hidden in things like cars or bicycles. And when you only have to get a brake by itself, itís extremely difficult to distinguish...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation. Sorry, hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes Kenneth. You have another point, you have 15 seconds for getting a break without saying the word of starting now.

KW: Well I got a break on the football field. Actually I was doing an impersonation of Winston Churchill when somebody rushed up and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

KW: ...they bashed me right across the mouth.

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Of Winston Churchill.

NP: Of Winston Churchill.

KW: Oh well!

NP: So 10 seconds Clement Freud for getting a break starting now.

CF: If you get in a motor car without a brake, then it is absolutely essential to go to your nearest garage and purchase such an item. Because the Ministry that deals with...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Deviation! Deviation! Iím sorry hesitation!

NP: Hesitation.

KW: Iíve got deviation on the brain!

NP: Weíre all with you Kenneth, itís all right. Donít get raffled because thereís only two seconds left for getting a break starting now.

KW: Well I had my nose bashed and it was broken right across it...

BELL

NP: Well with that late spurt up the field from Kenneth Williams...

KW: Yes?

NP: Not quite Kenneth, not quite.

KW: Oh!

NP: Iím terribly sorry. No youíre still two points behind Clement Freud whoís still in the lead and Geraldine Jones is three or four points behind you.

KW: Iím always behind! Every week!

NP: But youíre not right behind. Whereas before they said you had a little behind.

KW: Yes!

NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin, the things in my wallet.

KW: Right!

NP: Thereís no penalties this time. The things in my wallet Kenneth for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: The things in my wallet I will have to speak of, Iím afraid, in the past tense because I lost my wallet. And it had such dreadful repercussions that I did not purchase enough. When I went to the police station they said "what was the wallet like?" I said "Morocco leather". And the policeman said "how do you spell Morocco?" And I didnít know myself. But in that was all my insurance stuff, my identity card and my old ration book. I used to keep it because I loved it as a souvenir. And a photograph of Maudie Fittleworth. Maudie Fittleworth, you all remember, fun with a frankfurter. She was the top of the bill and I adored Maudie! And I used to go round to her dressing room after...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Three Maudies.

NP: Yes we had a bit too much of Maudie Iím afraid.

KW: You couldnít have enough of her!

NP: You speak for yourself Kenneth and weíll speak for the game. Clement Freud has a point, he has 23 seconds for.. I was just about to say Maudie Littleworth! Twenty-three seconds for the things in my wallet starting now.

CF: I have a lot of pockets in my wallet, some of which are used for money and others for carrying cards and identity tags and credit slips. Bit ideally the right-hand side of my wallet contains five pound notes, and the middle green one pound notes with 10 shilling notes bringing up the rear. On the left hand side I have my identity card which Iíve kept for reasons...

BELL

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking when the buzzer went, he gets another point and itís Geraldineís turn er Jonesís turn to begin. Ah Geraldine, making an exit. I donít know whether youíve ever done that but hereís a good chance to talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

GJ: The worst part about making an exit is that if you want to be very spectacular you have to accept that a lot of people must see it. And if you leave a lot of people in the room after youíve gone, youíre open to the awful searing doubts all the way home that the moment the door was slammed behind you, they all burst into malicious conversation about you and all the faux pas you endured during the evening. The most important rule however that... slightly over-compensates...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes yes. Kenneth you have the subject of making an exit, 35 seconds starting now.

KW: The thing to do of course is to wear a toga. Because as you turn around the great line of the garment swells and billows out. And you say "Iím going now!" And out you go and everyone gets the full effect! You can say "je suis Roman" you see, which means I am Roman. Because they wore those great things which can swell out and billow about...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Repetition of billowing and swelling.

NP: Repetition of quite a lot of things I think! Geraldine you have the subject back, you have 15 seconds for making an exit starting now.

GJ: The important thing to remember is not to leave anything behind. Nothing spoils making an exit before than having to go back a little bit later and say I left my umbrella or I left my handkerchief or my handbag...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition, too many alternatives.

NP: Oh!

GJ: No, no...

NP: Yes Geraldine..

GJ: I...

NP: Yes I heard what the alternatives were, Clement. Geraldine, would you like to justify?

GJ: I would say that an alternative was by definition not repetition.

NP: Oh arenít they clever, all of them! Arenít they clever! And as the score is so close and you are a little behind Geraldine, Iím going to give you a point...

KW: Oh! Giving her a point! She wouldnít allow me my billows, would she!

NP: It was I who didnít allow your billows.

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: Yes all right. There are three seconds left for Geraldine Jones on making an exit starting now.

GJ: The best place perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No definitely not. Geraldine has another point and you have two seconds left for making an exit starting now.

GJ: On a stage making an exit is make because after...

BELL

NP: Well the sad thing about that last round is that if Geraldine had been challenged once or twice more she might just have caught up the other two. Because it so happens that that is the last round in this particular game. And it also turns out that Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are equal. So they are this weekís winners.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.