JAM:CFreud,PJones,WRichard,BCryer
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, WENDY RICHARD and BARRY CRYER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 March 1989)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to introduce to you the four exciting and original personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back Wendy Richard, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Barry Cryer. Will you please welcome all four of them. As usual I am going to ask them, each one in turn, if they can speak on the subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. Beside me sits Ian Messiter, he has a stopwatch in one hand, a whistle in the other. Let us begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter the subject, jams. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PETER JONES: Apricot, blackberry, raspberry, cherry, theyíre four of my favourites. When jams are made of orange er fruit, then theyíre called marmalade. And itís a mixture of fruit and sugar, and er half and half...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer has challenged.

BARRY CRYER: Repetition, two fruits.

NP: Yes he had a fruit before, you were getting a bit too fruity.

PJ: Was it?

NP: I was amazed that you were overlooked for all those ers. But I mean I think you were being very sporting...

BC: To er is human!

NP: Yes! Barry Cryer you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject of jams, there are 43 seconds left and you start now.

BC: If you venture into London, not a wise idea in a motor car bearing four wheels during say the Christmas lights period, you will find yourself in the thick of one of the afore-mentioned jams. Crawling, fuming, shrieking at your wheel as you view the locomotive wall in front of you. Never moving, static, immobile, frustrating, er...

BUZZ

NP: I think actually listeners, the audience were applauding the look on Barry Cryerís face as he was trying to get another adjective out to describe the situation. And it failed him and Peter Jones challenged. Peter your challenge?

PJ: Er, um, hesitation.

NP: Have you gone to sleep in between your...

PJ: No, it was so long since he hesitated, you know...

NP: I know.

PJ: You do go on rather!

NP: All right Peter, you have the subject back of jams, you have 13 seconds left on which to talk about it and the time starts now.

PJ: Pectin is one of the most important ingredients in all kinds of fruit jams...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: The third fruit.

NP: Yes you mentioned fruit before.

PJ: That was before! I thought that I could mention it a second time.

NP: No, no. If you mention it once in this round of Just A Minute then it is repetition so Clement has got you on...

PJ: And it shows heís paying attention because he hasnít spoken up to now!

NP: Well Clement nice to welcome you...

CF: Hello.

NP: And you have the subject of jams, a point of course for a correct challenge, seven seconds are left starting now.

CF: I always thought pectin was pretty unimportant in the manufacture of jams which fruit and sugar...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. And it was of course Clement Freud, so he has two at the end of that round. He is leading Barry Cryer and Peter Jones, and Wendy Richard is yet to score. And Clement begins the next round...

WENDY RICHARD: (laughs heartily)

NP: Oh it wasnít really as funny as all that Wendy, I must say.

CF: She seems to have...

WR: It made me laugh!

NP: Oh I see. Well what you do with your private life is your own concern Wendy! Clement the subject is the jury. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: A jury was originally a complement of men who sat in judgement long before there was any rule of evidence. And they looked at things like chickenís entrails or the condition of a body pawed with what...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard has challenged.

WR: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes I would agree, it was those chicken entrails I think which dried him up. Wwendy you have now scored, youíve got...

WR: I wish I hadnít, I donít know what to say.

NP: You donít need to say anything yet, letís say that you have a point, you have the subject of the jury, you have 45 seconds in which to talk about it and you start now.

WR: One of my most favourite programmes I ever saw concerning a jury was with Tony Hancock. I wonder if anybody remembers it. And it was ...

BUZZ

WR: What?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Yes I do.

WR: Well do you want to tell them about it then?

NP: No coz it wasnít a correct challenge of repetition, deviation or hesitation. But letís give Clement a bonus point because the audience reaction showed that they really enjoyed what he said. But of course Wendy you also get a point for being interrupted and you also keep the subject with 37 seconds left for the jury starting now.

WR: In which they were supposed to try a simple case. And by the time the aforesaid gentleman had finished nobody could agree on any decision whatsoever. And they were locked up for days. Juries are most important in the, in the dispensing of British justice. In fact I think they dispense the finest...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Um hesitation.

NP: No, there was no hesitation! She was dispensing too much...

PJ: No, I mean, before she hesitated before.

NP: No she didnít, she was er, she repeated dispense. Wendy has another point and keeps the subject, 18 seconds, the jury starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

WR: Was that you?

NP: Clement yes?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes that was a... there was no doubt about that, you did hesitate. In fact you didnít even start. So Clement another point to you for a good... not a good challenge, an immediate challenge. But eight, 17 seconds are left, the jury starting now.

CF: If you are selected to serve on a jury which anyone can be whose name appears on the electoral register, it is extraordinarily difficult to get off unless you are totally deaf or extremely moronic. Oddly enough you can vote if you suffer from...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud, I donít know if the audience were clapping that last remark of yours which I endorse, or whether it was because you happened to be speaking again as the whistle went, gained an extra point and have increased your lead. Barry Cryer will you take the next round and the subject is yobboes. Would you try and talk on that subject starting now.

BC: Yobboes is not as you might think Swedish for the youth opportunity scheme. But a word that is the plural of the lager lout, the hooligan, the thug. I was travelling as is my wont on the tube one day and a very large gentleman looked across and said "where is your adjectival Rolls Royce?" I said "I do not possess such, but if my garage was as big as your mouth, I would acquire one!" The gentleman declined to respond in a physical manner to my insulting repost to his original remark, and we journeyed then forward to the next station at which I alighted and ran up the escalator where I then met several more of the same who greeted me with many a merry cry of "you look like that noun on the television". I made my way out of the tube station into the street and could one believe that one hasnít been interrupted yet? As I walked down the street and there were several more gathered round...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard has challenged.

WR: Did he say street twice?

NP: Yes he said a lot of things twice, but...

WR: It was a fascinating story Barry.

NP: I know, I think thatís it, they were enjoying so much what...

BC: Theyíre sadistic! Thatís what they were doing! They were letting me roast!

NP: They let him go but Wendy Richard got in on a correct challenge of street very cleverly with only two seconds to go...

BC: Ah!

NP: ...before the whistle and you start on yobboes now.

WR: Weíve just had an altercation with three yobboes in a van...

WHISTLE

NP: So Wendy Richard was then speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point and another one in that round. So sheís now equal with Clement Freud in the lead, ahead of Barry Cryer and Peter Jones who are equal in second place. Wendy would you begin the next round please. The subject is the cooker. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

WR: I think that the cooker is one of the most important pieces of equipment in the household. I personally enjoy cooking, and I must say that Iím not bad at it either. But I do know some people who havenít got a clue how to work a cooker. There is someone I work with who has...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of work.

NP: Yes you did repeat work before Wendy.

WR: Did I?

BC: Yes.

NP: Yes, work with and... So Clement has another point for a correct challenge and he has 45 seconds to tell us something about the cooker starting now.

CF: Well at home I am the cooker. First, second, third and fourth courses, I prepare them all. Hors d'oeuvres, soups, fish, meat, vegetables, pudding, savouries. Even after dinner mints I make at my own hands frequently dunking pieces of fondant in chocolate whereby they achieve beauty and a thinness unparallelled in the commercial market. My wife believes that few people in my part of Wimpole Street have any of the ability that I possess. And though it is on the third floor of a building owned by Howard Warden-Stace who are good landlords on the whole...

WHISTLE

NP: Well while everybody obviously enjoyed that, Iím surprised that none of them challenged for deviation, because he wasnít talking about the cooker, he was talking about cooking.

BC: He described.himself as the cooker.

PJ: I think he deserves a point.

BC: Yes.

PJ: One more for the cooker!

BC: Yes!

NP: Well he certainly kept going magnificently for 45 seconds. He gained that extra point for speaking as the whistle went and he has gone back into the lead, ahead of Wendy Richard. And who begins the next round? Peter, weíre back with you and the subject is bills. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I always like to pay them as soon as I possibly can, because I have a dread of being cut off electronically or telephonically, gastronomically. Whatever it is, I wouldnít like that to happen because I should be er not able to cook and of course they would... Youíve even dropped the bloody pusher!.... Bills....

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer has surprisingly challenged you Peter.

PJ: Has he?

BC: Hesitation, deviation from the thread, deviation from practical truth. How can you be cut off gastronomically?

PJ: Well if you havenít got a cooker working, then you canít er pay the bill.

NP: Anyway you did hesitate and certainly you deviated...

BC: Iím ashamed of my challenge now!

NP: But I can only give you one point for one of them and hesitation was your first. So you gain a point for that correct challenge Barry and you take over the subject of bills with 29 seconds left starting now.

BC: The word bills reminds me of the beaks and large impertinences in front of birdsí faces. The pelican particularly which has this vast bill in which it stores food, fish, vegetables, truffles, after-eight mint for consumption later on...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Well I know a bit about birds and they donít have after-eight mints in their bills!

NP: I think the idea of a pelican with after-eight mints and truffles in its beak is really a little bit far-fetched.

PJ: I think itís a deviation, donít you?

NP: Absolute deviation. So Peter you have a correct challenge with 11 seconds to tell us something more about bills starting now.

PJ: I wish people that owed me money paid my er fees...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, you erred again Iím afraid. And Clementís got another point...

PJ: Itís a very emotive subject!

NP: What was that?

PJ: Itís a very emotive subject, I got carried away rather.

NP: Yes, so Clement, six seconds on bills starting now.

CF: Bills tend to arrive in brown paper envelopes which I think is very useful because you say oh this...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went and has increased his lead. Wendy Richard is in second place. And Clement Freud, your turn to begin. The subject, moving scenes. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: Lord and Lady Anstruther of Blundell Sands were at odds, one with the other. The scene moved quickly to the home of the Duke of Buckingham. "You swine" said the Duchess... I think somebody else ought to speak...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard has challenged.

WR: Hesitation.

NP: No!

WR: And I think it was, bor... dare I say it, bordering on boring!

NP: Did it remind you of some of the shows youíve been in Wendy?

WR: Yes!

NP: No, I donít think he hesitated. The audience laughed rather loudly at one point so he restrained his speech fractionally. I wouldnít call it hesitation. So Clement does continue with 43 seconds on moving scenes starting now.

CF: If theyíre quite heavy, if you have a table or a chair or a sideboard and especially a tallboy, and you are about to...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: I wanna hear about Lord and Lady Anstruther! Deviation from his narrative thrust!

NP: That is not a correct deviation but weíll give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the challenge. But Clement gets another one for being interrupted, keeps the subject with 36 seconds, moving scenes Clement starting now.

CF: In a humble cottage on the outskirts of Fiji, an unmarried woman with four chldren was tending a sole stock pot, heating up a single...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation before the stock pot, I quite agree. So Peter you have another point and you have 24 seconds to tell us something about moving scenes starting now.

PJ: When I was a young actor, I spent more time moving scenes than I spent in them. I mean moving the furniture and the scenery and providing props and whatnot, castles and other things that actors need if they are appearing in a play. And this was a very tedious part of the apprenticeship that I served. But how well it did equip me to...

WHISTLE

NP: Saved by the whistle because he did er just before the whistle came...

PJ: Yes.

NP: But nobody got in with their buzzers. Clement Freud is still in the lead, Barry follows you, one point. And Barry Cryer begins the next round. Barry the subject is dames. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now.

BC: The word evokes that wonderful song, There Is Nothing Like A Dame from South Pacific. And further to that, one thinks of Mary Martin who in fact appeared in that musical and was the original star of it. The mother of Larry Hagman, later to become JR in Dallas...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Yes I agree with you but...

BC: Why?

PJ: Well heís plugging a soap!

NP: You mean itís deviating from dames, heís talking about Mary Martin...

PJ: No, Larry Hagman and er...

NP: Yes, itís deviation...

BC: Itís her son!

NP: Forty-five seconds for you still, not still, taking the subject of dames starting now.

PJ: Broads, flappers and birds and dames. I donít like the words to describe ladies and you notice there are far more of those than there are the ones that describe men. Blokes, chaps...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Oh deviation now.

NP: Why?

BC: Heís wandered right off, itís fur... heís north-west of Larry Hagman!

NP: Barry I think you anticipated the fact that he was about to go on to fellers and away from dames but he never actually got on to it.

BC: He did! He said men!

NP: He hasnít gone off in any detail about it, thatís when it is deviation. He just mentioned it. Otherwise you could challenge when anybody looks like deviating.

BC: Well Iíll swap him his men for my Larry Hagman!

NP: No Barry I canít agree, so Peter keeps the subject, 29 seconds on dames starting now.

PJ: Anna Neagle was a famous dame wasnít she? And then thereís er a number of others who...

BUZZ

NP: Barry you challenged.

BC: Hesitation.

NP: Oh yes I quite agree yes, he couldnít remember the other dames of the, this country and show business I think he was searching for. Barry Cryer you have a correct challenge, another point of course, 22 seconds to tell us something more about dames starting now.

BC: Dame Vera Lynn, identified with "there will be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover". There are none of that breed in this country. Can one imagine that great Dame hallucinating as she sang this opus? There are none such in the... area with which she...

BUZZ

NP: Sir Clement Freud?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation is right, because he couldnít think of another phrase to describe the white cliffs of Dover. So six seconds are left for you to tell us something about dames Clement starting now.

CF: The award of a Damehood to Jane... Jame...

BUZZ

NP: Oh that was a lovely slip! Whatís your challenge Peter?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter I agree, three seconds for you now on dames Peter starting now.

PJ: Dame Edith Evans was one of the most distinguished of all dames...

WHISTLE

NP: So a lot of points were scored in that round including one by Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went which has put him now into second please behind our leader, still Clement Freud. Wendy your turn to begin, the subject junk mail. Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

WR: Junk mail is the modern day plague. It pours through our letterboxes unsolicited, unwanted and mostly unread. You open these enevelopes to find...

BUZZ

WR: What?

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: What?

CF: Youíre not allowed to write letters which are read and therefore pouring through a letterbox unread has got...

WR: What are you talking about?

CF: ...to be deviation. Deviation from the Postal laws of this land?

NP: That was the most involuted involved...

CF: Convoluted.

BC: Convoluted.

NP: ...complicated challenge that Iíve ever heard!

CF: Convoluted!

WR: Itís not often I object to a challenge but I object to that one. I was talking sense wasnít I?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

WR: See!

NP: Donít worry Wendy, I always make sure that sense wins the day in Just A Minute. And all that happens, you get a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, you have 49 seconds on junk mail starting now.

WR: And they have lists of numbers and things in, saying that you could win a fortune if youíre...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

WR: Was that you then?


PJ: Hesitation.

WR: Oh.

NP: Yes yes. You were thrown by the previous challenge, werenít you?

WR: Yes.

NP: You couldnít get your steam going again.

WR: Clement upset me!

NP: I should explain by the way for those who want a visual image listening of how weíre set up. Iím in the middle, Wendy Richard sits beside Clement Freud. On my left Barry Cryer sits beside Peter Jones. And of couse she looked at Clement then and Clement gave her a little affectionate pat, it was very touching! But Peter Jones, you had a correct challenge, 42 seconds on...

PJ: Thank you.

NP: ...junk mail...

PJ: Keep your hands to yourself, will you!

NP: I... I....

BC: Heís not like this at home!

NP: Peter, 42 seconds on junk mail starting now.

PJ: Buy one, get another one free, is a phrase that always annoys me when itís on junk mail. I get a lot of these things. One of them is from a firm of magazine publishers. I have written and I got my wife to write and say that Iím dead! And so thereís no point in sending any more. But still they arrive! Um...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged, I think you were dead then for a minute Peter!

PJ: Oh...

BC: Itís awful to interrupt a dead person! Very tasteless isnít it.

NP: Barry I agree with your challenge and 18 seconds for you to tell us something about junk mail starting now.

BC: The only junk male I ever met was in Hong Kong. I boarded a vessel of that description and encountered the captain. Hero, I cried. And he greeted me most warmly and gave me a drink. We then set sail and he gave me a tour of the harbour...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition, two gave mes.

NP: Yes you did gave me. He gave me...

BC: Two gave mes? Oh...

NP: Two gave mes, yes.

BC: I must listen when I talk!

NP: Yes! So Clement Freudís cleverly got in with only two seconds to go, the subject is junk mail starting now.

CF: They used to be called dustmen...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went and increased his lead at the end of that round. And Peter Jones begins the next round. Peter the subject is eating winkles. I donít know why the audience laughed so much, I mean... itís an activity a lot of people indulge in. Um will you tell us something about it Peter in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Iíve never actually eaten a winkle. But I understand you do it with a pin...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: So how dare you address us on the subject?

NP: Well...

PJ: Iíve seen other people eating winkles!

BC: Oh a voyeur eh?

NP: It doesnít matter actually Barry whether he has or has not...

BC: He wasnít eating winkles! Clearly deviation!

NP: I disagree Barry because...

BC: Fair enough!

NP: ..he has to try and speak on the subject even if he knows nothing about it because that is part of Just A Minute. And so an incorrect challenge, Peter gets another point and 56 seconds left for eating winkles Peter starting now.

PJ: Winkle eaters do it standing up. This is a fascinating thing to watch if you can see two of them at it, with their pins at the ready, piercing the shells of these little crustacea and probing them out and then scoffing them with bread and butter...

BUZZ

NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: About three thens.

NP: Yeah thatís a bit of a harsh challenge but it is correct...

BC: It was meant to be harsh!

NP: So... but letís give Peter a bonus point for that classic line about most of them do it standing up which is... I give bonuses when people challenge, I should give it in the round as well. Iíve never done it before Peter but we did love that particular...

PJ: Oh!

NP: ...remark and the image it created. But Barry has a correct challenge, so a point to him, 35 seconds for you on eating winkles starting now.

BC: Eating winkles can be done standing up, sitting down, reclining, lying in fact. And I love them with a little bit of salt and even a soupcon of vinegar. I have a particular store that I go to in the east end of London. I will not mention it as does Clement his house agents. And I go there and eat... these sticks...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation is right Peter and you have 14 seconds...

PJ: Fourteen?

NP: Fourteen, yes. Well you were pretty good on the winkle eaters a minute ago, try again, starting now.

PJ: I think they must be related to welks, Iím not sure. And other shellfish of course. But the er people that sell them at stalls, they have them in white enamel buckets and you donít know where theyíve been or er...

WHISTLE

NP: You donít know where the people have been or the buckets have been Peter?

PJ: Well either really, either.

NP: Peter you got a lot of points in that round.

PJ: Ah!

NP: For eating winkles, including one for speaking as the whistle went. And youíll be pleased and perhaps even surprised knowing your nature to know that youíre now in the lead alongside Clement Freud.

PJ: Finally!

NP: Clement Freud weíre back with you, the subject is Harold Lloyd. Will you tell us something about that, about him in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I always rather admired Harold Lloyd for having two small Ls in his name, and considered having a similar number of minute Fs in front of mine. He was a silent film actor which must be...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy...

WR: Did he say front twice? Oh no he didnít, I beg your pardon. Iím sorry, I, I... thought...

NP: You neednít apologise, youíve got to try Wendy.

WR: I know!

NP: What happens is Clement gets a point for being interrupted at that moment...

WR: All right.

NP: So heís now gone into the lead again and this is going to be the last round, Iíd better warn you if anybodyís keen to actually finish up as winner. I donít think Wendy and Barry have much chance, but I mean they... But there are 47 seconds for you Clement on Harold Lloyd starting now.

CF: There is a bank of that name, and no good reason for saying...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Thereís no bank called Harold Lloyd!

NP: I would incline to agree with you Peter. So you take the subject of Harold Lloyd, 43 seconds are left starting now.

PJ: He was one of the great seminal figures of the silent screen. And he specialised in stunt work. Grasping the hand of a huge clock thousands of feet above New Yorkís Broadway or elsewhere. And you could see the people down below looking like little ants. And he wore glasses and a straw hat a lot of the time which was his trademark really. Lonesome Luke was the character that he frequently portrayed on the screen, ah...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement Freud was first in there.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation and neck and neck between you...

PJ: I had said on the screen earlier, thatís why I hesitated. Because I thought Iíd mentioned it twice...

NP: So Clementís gone back into the lead, one ahead of you Peter...

PJ: Ah!

NP: Ten seconds are left...

PJ: I must get in there then!

NP: Yes, 10 seconds are left, the subject is Harold Lloyd and you start now.

CF: It must have been very difficult in those pre-Hollywood days to appear on moving pictures...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It wasnít pre-Hollywood, thatís where he did it!

NP: No! Where did they do it then Clement, as far as youíre concerned?

CF: Itís not up to me to answer questions!

NP: Which only proves to me that you are bluffing! And you donít know! It was done in Hollywood, what eventually became Hollywood, it wasnít called Hollywood then, so it was not...

PJ: The first Hollywood studio was built in 1911.

NP: Thatís right and you are absolutely correct Peter and.. you have the subject of Harold Lloyd, you have four seconds to keep going on this subject starting now.

PJ: Motherís Boy was one of the most famous of his vehicles and I saw it...

WHISTLE

NP: So as I said a few moments ago this was going to be the last round. Alas it is because I think weíve all enjoyed it. Have you enjoyed it audience?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right thatís what we like to hear. Let me give you the final score. Wendy Richard who hasnít played quite as much and Barry Cryer the same, they finished up together equal in um third place. They were a few points behind Clement Freud. Peter Jones got that all important last point for speaking as the whistle went and one point ahead we call him the winner this week! We hope that all our listeners have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. Weíve enjoyed playing it to you. it only remains for me to say on behalf of our four brilliant and most entertaining panellists which is Wendy Richard, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Barry Cryer and the creator of the game Ian Messiter and our producer Edward Taylor and myself Nicholas Parsons, thank you for listening. From all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC