WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 February 1969)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. As the Minute Waltz Fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thnak you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Well as you just heard we have four experienced campaigners at this game of Just A Minute so let us... Oh just let me remind you first of all, in case you may not have heard it before of the rules of the game. Iím going to ask each of these competitors to speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that they know nothing about without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation, in other words, going off the subject. I think the rest of the game will become apparent as we go along and let us start this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek can you talk for Just A Minute on goving up smoking starting now.
DEREK NIMMO: Last summer on a beautiful day in the Mediterranean I was sailing a three masted schooner up about 45 miles off the coast of Majorca. And there we anchored and looking down at the sea we saw bubbles coming to the surface. My old friend Smolensky King, Smo to his chums, had dived to the bottom of the Mediterranean and there...
NP: Kenneth Williams you...
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, itís nothing to do with smoking.
DN: His name... I just explained...
NP: Can you very rapidly justify?
DN: Yes because his name was Smolensky KIng we used to call him Smo King, you see, thatís his nickname.
DN: And as heíd gone to the bottom of the water we were giving him up because we thought heíd drowned. Giving up Smo King!
NP: Oh very clever, yes. Itís very inventive...
KW: Iíve got no words at all, Iíve got no words! Iím completely flabbergasted!
NP: Well so are the audience as well. Anyway Derek you managed with that cleverness to get yourself an extra point and weíve 34 seconds left for giving up smoking, you start now.
DN: The best way of course...
NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?
CLEMENT FREUD: Terrible hesitation!
DN: Oh really!
NP: I must be fair here. If youíd said hesitation I would agree but it wasnít a terrible hesitation.
CF: Oh hesitation!
NP: No itís too late now Clement. No it wasnít a terrible hesitation..
CF: Youíre repeating yourself now!
KW: Yes! You repeat yourself a lot!
NP: But I donít lose points when I...
KW: You ought to! Itís disgraceful!
NP: Derro Nimmick... Derro Nimmock! Derek Nimmo, Iím sorry ladies and gentlemen Derro Nimmick couldnít come...
DN: He canít even get the names!
NP: Derek you have another point and 33 seconds left for giving up smoking starting now.
DN: Get rid of the rubbishy stuff, this will do you no good! I look at this person and I say "those are not for me..."
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Hesitation there.
NP: No, no, itís a... itís a very funny way to say it...
DN: If I may say Mr Williams, I have a natural impediment and itís unfortunate to make fun of it.
KW: Fancy sitting there with all that rubbish! Fancy!
NP: Derek do watch your natural impediment in case it goes against you the next time. This time Iím with you, with another point and er 24 seconds left for giving up smoking starting now.
DN: I had a fire in my flat two weeks ago. This has... made me give up...
NP: Clement Freud.
NP: Hesitation that time undoubtedly yes. Giving up smoking Clement with 20 seconds left starting now.
CF: Giving up smokingís an absurdly easy thing to do, because people do it over and over again...
NP: Derek Williams... Derek Nimmo!
KW: Derek Williams?
NP: I must point out that Derek Williams couldnít come to the show either today! Derek Nimmo...
DN: Thank you! Repetition, over and over again.
NP: That is absolutely correct...
DN: Very obvious!
NP: Yes, itís a very obvious type of repetition...
DN: Oh absolutely!
NP: Fourteen seconds left...
DN: Thatís really disgraceful!
NP: Over and over again sounds to me extremely repetitious and Iím entirely with Derek Nimmo...
KW: I think you should ask the audience, thatís what you should do.
NP: Well all right I will ask the audience if thatís how you feel.
KW: Yes! Go on, ask them!
NP: I am not afraid and the audience will adhere...
KW: Heís gone white! Look at him!
NP: Well youíve gone red Kenneth!
KW: No Iím naturally ebullient! Iím always ebullient!
NP: Well keep your ebullience down for a moment please while I put it to the audience without fear. I will ask you to be the final judges and arbiters. Do you think that Derek Nimmoís challenge was justified and if you do, will you please cheer. Over and over again. And if you donít think it was justified, will you please boo and will you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Kenneth Williams you will be the judge, which won? The cheers...
KW: (screaming) The boos! Most definitely! Oh yes, didnít they! Mmmmm! Yes!
NP: Kenneth Williams...
KW: Oh, you can tell a mile off!
NP: Youíre on that side of the room with er Clement Freud, you have helped Clement to get a point. I hope he remembers it when youíre in difficulties because Clement has a point and he has 14 seconds left for giving up smoking starting now.
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
NP: Hesitation, you have your point Derek with 13 seconds left for giving up smoking starting now.
DN: Kenneth Williams is one of those people that when their heart is steaming and smoking, one should certainly give up. Iíve always said this to my friends. If you...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Iíve always said it, um repetition within the meaning of the act.
DN: Well it wasnít a moment ago...
CF: Youíve always said it! Youíve always said it! It must be repetition!
NP: All I can say is the audience decided that over and over again was not repetition which to me is more repetitious than I always said. So I think I must be fair here, Derek Nimmo has still got it and he has five seconds left with another point for giving up smoking starting now.
DN: Drink a bottle of...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?
NP: I donít think so, no. Four and half a seconds left for Derek Nimmo starting now.
DN: I wanted to go to see a woman and there she was in the high hills...
NP: Geraldine Jones.
GERALDINE JONES: Deviation.
GJ: Nothing to do with giving up smoking.
KW: Seeing a woman!
NP: I think seeing a womanís a jolly good way to give up smoking!
NP: Derek Nimmoís rushing into the lead with another point and he has two seconds left for giving up smoking starting now.
DN: Rotten rows full of fag ends, thatís why...
NP: The non-smoking kick has given Derek Nimmo a commanding lead of nine points over Clement Freud who has three. Kenneth Williams...
NP: All right Mr Nimmo please just contain yourself! And Kenneth Williams has one, Geraldine has yet to score. But weíre only into the first round so Clement let us carry on with you to start this time, hackneyed phrases. Will you please try and talk on this for Just A Minute starting now.
CF: A hackneyed phrase is a sort of... cent...
NP: Derek Nimmo.
NP: Yes it does seem a pity when heíd hardly got going...
DN: What a shame!
NP: ...but alas it is true. Hesitation...
DN: He was a bit shaken I think, actually...
NP: All right, 55... six seconds for hackneyed phrases Derek starting now.
DN: Whoa! Gee-up! Come on there! Maaaaaaaaaa! These are the phrases one...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?
CF: Maaaaaaaa is not a phrase!
DN: Yes if I may say... may I justify?
NP: If you can yes.
DN: If youíre in a hackney cab, a horse drawn hackney cab, itís a very hackneyed phrase.
CF: Itís not a phrase!
NP: No, I think... I think...
CF: Notice the audience is with you!
NP: The audience may be with you Derek, but I think a hackneyed phrase does mean a phrase that is intelligible to an audience. So Clement you have the point and the subject, you have 52 seconds left for hackneyed phrases starting now.
CF: Do you come here often?
NP: Geraldine Jones, you wish to reply?
NP: Hesitationís correct, yes. Hackneyed phrases Geraldine Jones starting now.
GJ: A long time ago when Clement Freud was a young man, "do you come her often" was a hackneyed phrase. Nowadays however the fashion has changed and hackneyed phrases tend to be much more obscure and multi-syllabic. Things like counter-productive and participation of the people, democratisation of factories. All... these...
NP: Clement Freud.
NP: Hesitation I think she was giggling actually.
KW: I was loving it! Lovely stuff, lovely stuff.
NP: Lovely stuff. Shall we let her continue?
DN: Not really very gallant!
NP: Shall we see if she can continue with her lovely stuff? All right yes, the audience want to see Geraldine if you can continue with another point with a lovely stuff, hackneyed phrases starting now.
GJ: The audience is proving that it is really agin me, but I shall try and continue. Hackneyed phrases are often those phrases which come most readily to mind in moments of extremity like the moment that Iím experiencing now! Phrases like...
NP: No, Derek Nimmo...
DN: Iím afraid... I hate this but phrases is happening too much. Iím so sorry. It was repetition. I do beg Miss Jonesí pardon.
NP: Are you saying the word, repetition of hackneyed phrases...
DN: No just phrases.
KW: Not a gentleman!
NP: No, you could have had her for hesitation. Iím not going to let you have that one Derek.
DN: Well all right.
NP: No Geraldine is one woman against three men...
KW: One woman! Thatís all she is! Against three!
NP: Well Kenneth Williams is on your side Geraldine, as well as the audience I think. So you have 14 seconds left for hackneyed phrases starting now.
GJ: There is a type of romantic novel which is particularly rich in the sort of disease that weíre discussing at the moment. Falling in love, the chips...
NP: Clement Freud.
KW: No! Heís stark raving mad!
NP: You want to give it all to Geraldine Jones, do you?
KW: It was fine wasnít it? Beautifully fluent!
NP: It was very fluent and there was a slight hesitation there. So Clement Freud has another point and hehas six...
NP: ...seven seconds left for hackneyed... when you win a point do you want to give that one to Geraldine Jones as well Kenneth?
KW: Well I might feel like it later, you know.
NP: All right. Clement Freud, seven seconds on hackneyed phrases starting now.
CF: On a clear day you can see the seaside is one of the most hackneyed phrases of landladies in boarding houses. And long after...
NP: In case people havenít spotted it already, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. Clement you have taken second place behind Derek Nimmo who still has a very definite lead. Geraldine Jones in third place and Kenneth Williams has one single point at present. Kenneth would you discourse if you can for 60 seconds on the pop scene starting now.
KW: There are various descriptions of the pop scene. It can of course refer to the time when the curatin goes up on these rows and rows of ginger pots, pottles. And thatís made of this of this sort of mineral water, sparkling, impregnated with ginger and used by the comics and they pretend to get drunk. It mustnít be mixed up with cumis which is of course fermented mareís milk frequently drunk in Outer Mongolia. And lovers drink it with their arms intertwined and sing the traditional air "thereís an old scene by the mill Nellie Dean". Itís all wong of course. Thereís no old mill there there any more, itís all done nowadays by electricity...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?
DN: Well deviation, heís on to electricity and old mares and very little of the pop scene.
NP: Well I thought, according to the way Kenneth started that he was on to this curious type of pop drink...
NP: And I thought I was still in a sort of poppy drink. Was that right?
KW: No, the Pop Scene! The pantomine Iím talking about. I was talking too, and various about...
NP: Oh youíre on the pantomime. Well then itís definitely deviation, youíve gone off it now yes.
KW: I was going on to the other one then, in a minute.
NP: I donít think...
KW: I should have it, dear! Iím still on it!
KW: Iím on the mareís milk...
NP: I think...
NP: I think out of, out of your own mouth you have convicted yourself...
NP: ...complete deviation, you donít know where the dickens you are...
KW: No well...
NP: There you are!
KW: I give up gracefully!
NP: All right...
KW: Iím very graceful!
NP: Well I believe you brought Grace with you! Anyway Derek Nimmo you have the subject, an extra point of course and you have 28 seconds for the pop scene starting now.
DN: There are many kinds of pop. Sasparella, dandelion bird, ginger fizz, ginger pop... lemonade...
NP: Geraldine Jones why did you challenge?
NP: Hesitation is correct, the pop scene is with you now Geraldine with 23 seconds left starting now.
GJ: The pop scene is such a hackneyed phrase that Iím reluctant to talk about it all together. The um I suppose...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Sheís not going to talk about it! It must be...
GJ: I said...
GJ: I said I was reluctant, I was going to force myself!
NP: No, however you justify it Geraldine I think that challenge deserves a point and the subject. Clement you have it, you have 15 and a half seconds for the pop scene starting now.
CF: We seem to have established in the last round that if you giggle it canít be counted as hesitation...
CF: ...and therefore I am going to giggle for the next 14 seconds. Hahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahaha...
NP: We enjoyed the giggle Clement but during your giggle you were challenged. Derek Nimmo why did you challenge?
DN: Well on two scores. Thereís a repetitious giggle...
DN: And deviation.
NP: Why? What is the deviation?
DN: Heís talking about giggling.
CF: That is the pop scene, itís a very happy scene.
NP: Yeah but that doesnít justify it. I canít give you two points Iím afraid Derek...
NP: ...but you have one point and you have 10 seconds with the pop scene starting now.
DN: Down we go, twanging our guitars in dark dank cellars with our long hair swishing round...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: Nothing to do with the pop scene!
NP: It sounds extremely explicit of the pop scene as Iíve seen it on occasions...
KW: Heís mixing it all up with mods and rockers! Thatís not the pop scene!
NP: Ah well, well, we obviously have some mods and rockers in the audience. I think it describes a certain pop scene that I have seen if youíll forgive the pun. So Derek Nimmo you have another point, the audience obviously havenít forgiven the pun, so you have five seconds for the pop scene starting now.
DN: Half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle, thatís the way the weasel goes, pop goes the weasel!
NP: Geraldine why I believe in fairies is the subject and will you talk if you can for Just A Minute starting now.
GJ: I believe that a Frenchman once wrote that if there were no fairies, we would have to invent them. And this essentially is why I believe in them. If it were not for my belief, how would I know that when a little girl loses a milk tooth and puts it in a saucer of salt over night, it wouldnít be replaced in the morning by a sixpence. The little winged creatures...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?
NP: Hesitation is correct, you have 35 seconds for why I believe in fairies, Clement Freud, starting now.
CF: I believe in fairies because I meet them so very frequently. Mostly in Hyde Park but also in Green Park, St Jamesí Park and many other greeneries around London where the fairies dance in little rings of an evening...
NP: Derek Nimmo why do you challenge?
DN: Hesitation, heís sort of grinding to a halt.
NP: Well I definitely...
CF: I only stopped when you buzzed! I saw your finger on the...
NP: You were grinding away a little bit, yes definitely. Derek Nimmo you have a point, you have 20 seconds for why I believe in fairies starting now.
DN: Down in Wiltshire I saw my first fairy. There he stood with gossamer wings, a little silken shroud enveloping his legs. And two little green shoes. He was an unusual fairy. In fact people have told me they have never seen such a beautiful one as the one that I saw, because...
NP: Kenneth Williams why do you challenge?
KW: Deviation, how can they be talking about it if youíre the one that saw it?
DN: I said they... I described him to them!
NP: Actually you could have had him for deviation because the subject is why I believe in fairies, heís talking about the fairy he saw. Kenneth, Kenneth you have the subject with of course an extra point and there are two seconds left for why I believe in fairies starting now.
KW: Well I had to, because we were in this pantomime playing Peter Pan...
NP: Well as Kenneth was speaking as the whistle went, heís gained another point, but heís still trailing a little bit behind Geraldine Jones whoís still a little behind Clement Freud who is still behind Derek Nimmo who is still in the lead. And Derek it is your turn to begin, what to do when you get stuck in the elevator. Some people might say the lift, but elevator covers many countries. So Derek thereís the subject, will you talk about it, will you please try and talk for Just A Minute starting now.
DN: Of course itís tremendously dependent on who youíre stuck in an elevator with. If I was stuck in the elevator with Clement Freud I should try and keep a dignified and distant silence. If I was stuck in the elevator with Kenneth Williams, I should be apprehensive! If I was stuck in the elevator with the lovely Miss Chilmoor Jones at my side, I call her Chilmoor Jones because thatís where she hails from, then I perhaps would not be so silent and maybe would...
NP: Clement Freud.
NP: Hesitation yes. Yes Clement you have the subject with 35 seconds for what to if you get stuck in the elevator starting now.
CF: If you get stuck in the elevator the best thing to do is to scream loudly and strongly until help comes. If you get stuck in a lift which is sometimes also called an elevator, then thereís nothing for it but to pick up a small telephone if provided, dial the numbers which are written on the telephone and say "excuse me, I am in the position which you asked me to do which Iím now doing, which is dialing. Please send someone at once to assist me and help me to get out of this predicament." And in the fullness of time when this happens...
NP: Kenneth Willliams you challenged.
NP: Yes it was a pity, because he was going so marvellously.
KW: A shame yes!
NP: Kenneth you have another point, you challenged at just the right time because thereís only four and a half seconds left for what to do if you get stuck in the elevator starting now.
KW: You absolutely scream away...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?
NP: Hesitation, undoubtedly yes. Clement Freud you have the subject back, another point, what to do, what to do if you get stuck in the elevator for one second starting now.
KW: You mean...
NP: Iím sorry, no, just a minute! Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?
NP: Undoubtedly hesitation...
NP: Derek you have another point, you have one second left for what to do if you get stuck in an elevator starting now.
DN: (shouts) Help!
NP: No Geraldine you challenged.
GJ: Is it my turn to get a point for hesitation?
NP: Yes definitely, Geraldineís got another point for hesitation, you have half a second left for what to do if you get stuck in the elevator starting now.
NP: So everybody got a point on that last little bit except Kenneth Williams who looked most shocked of all! So I had you in mind actually Kenneth to try and put you a little bit further forward...
KW: Thatís nice yes, mmm!
NP: But you lost the opportunity there, you were far too generous.
KW: Ah yes.
KW: So youíre still trailing behind Geraldine Jones whoís behind Clement Freud whoís behind Derek Nimmo in that order. We carry on to the next round. Kenneth itís your turn to begin, you might yet catch up if youíre keen. Inter-stellar space, that is the subject. Iíll give you a second to think about it and will you start now please.
KW: Inter-stellar space can be of course that region where you get your planets and your constellations and it can be the space reserved for interring Stella. This has been referred to actually in a drama. Because Shakespeare himself said "lend me your ears, I come to bury Stella, not to er praise her..."
NP: Clement Freud challenged... Clement Freud you challenged. Why?
NP: Yes Iím afraid so, yes, yes. Also very devious, he didnít come to bury Stella did he?
KW: Well you know what I mean, I was illustrating the point with that.
KW: Iím no fool ducky!
NP: You will be unless you keep your hand on your buzzer. You wonít get any points. All right Clement Freud you have the subject, you have another point and you have 43 seconds left for inter-stellar space starting now.
CF: The entire atmosphere over the corn fields and under the stars could reasonably be referred to as inter-stellar space. Because space has no actual limit. Space is an oxygen filled pocket of air which hovers over the earth and under the sky. It...
NP: Kenneth Williams why...
KW: Deviation if itís true then (gibberish) so deviation, you see. So there isnít oxygen in certain places, thatís why you have to be in a catfield.
NP: Would you like to say all that again a bit slower so we understand it.
KW: He said all, all the spaces there had oxygen in it.
KW: So the field had oxygen in it. Well itís not, thatís why you have to go up in these tubes. Or you take your own oxygen.
NP: Ladies and gentlemen Iíll leave it to you, I donít know whether or not thereís oxygen anywhere in space. Will you please be the judges, as you probably know more than anybody here about space and oxygen. If you think that Kenneth Williamsí challenge was justified will you please cheer, if you think it was unjustified will you boo, will you please all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: You let forth your oxygen in great aplomb so Kenneth Williams you have a point and you have the subject with 35 seconds for inter-stellar space starting now.
KW: Yes well...
NP: You shouldnít have done it you see. Clement Freudís got it back again. Why?
NP: Hesitation you see.
KW: I hadnít started!
NP: I know you hadnít! Not only hadnít you started, it looked as if you couldnít start! So Clement you have another point, you have inter-stellar space starting... 29 seconds starting now.
CF: Inter-stellar space!
NP: Derek Nimmo.
NP: Hesitation with inter-stellar soace, 29, no 28 seconds left starting now.
DN: I remember the first time I met Stella Space. What a dear girl she was. She had lovely blonde hair trailing down her back. We went off for a picnic I remember on the sand hills just outside New Brighton and there I saw her lying in her bikini...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...
KW: Deviation, there are no sand hills outside New Brighton!
NP: Iím sure weíll get lots of letters from New Brighton as Kenneth Williams...
KW: I went there, itís a dreadful dump!
NP: Weíre going to get even more letters from New Brighton! Probably have the whole of New Brighton marching down to Broadcasting House....
DN: They are the most lovely sand hills too, really.
NP: Kenneth Williams will you carry on with inter-stellar space for the last eight seconds starting now.
KW: Itís a space reserved for her and at the Obsta Quiz they have Stella Heights who mum in fives, and sixes and sevens, sometimes...
NP: In spite of the remarks about New Brighton, Kenneth Williams with his inter-stellar space has jumped into second place, one point ahead of Geraldine Jones but theyíre both trailing quite considerably behind Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud who are still neck and neck, exactly equal. Geraldine itís your turn to begin. Why Iíve given up stockings in preference for tights and will you please talk for Just A Minute starting now.
GJ: Iím not going to give any of those reasons which might be rather improper and embarrassing for the audience on the grounds of chastity for giving up stockings in preference for tights. Instead I will explain simply that I have a very small foot and a very short leg. And most stockings donít therefore fit me. Because you see when I get the stocking on and pull it to the top, because my leg gets fatter and fatter towards the top, the stocking wonít reach. On the other hand they make tights which when you put them on stretch much more effectively than any stockings ever stretch. And they go right up to a nice comfortable position. And this basically is my reason. I also have to confess that Iím extremely influenced by advertising and I find it very difficult to resist all those glorious women who imply that if only youíd wear tights instead of stockings you will not only look nice about the legs but you might look nice everywhere as well. This...
NP: Oh Derek Nimmo, she almost did it. But you challenged, why?
DN: Well hesitation.
NP: No definitely not!
DN: All right! No, no!
NP: She went for 50 seconds and why Iíve given up stockings in preference for tights for the last five seconds Geraldine starting now.
GJ: Also Iíve a certain... itís a rather...
NP: Derek Nimmo... oh youíre browbeating her Derek!
DN: Oh if she had a little faith...
NP: As Geraldine is the only person to have spoken for such a considerable length of time without any challenging her, Iím going to give her a bonus point for that. She nearly did 60 seconds, she only did 50. But she has one bonus point. She was flummoxed at the end by being challenged at the end when she was in full flight and there are three seconds left for Derek Nimmo to talk about why... youíve brought this on yourself Derek! Why Iíve given up stockings in preference for tights starting now.
DN: Well I really couldnít stand those beastly nylons you know, particularly...
NP: So with that last little flourish from Derek Nimmo, itís time alas to finish with Kenneth Williams and Geraldine Jones almost equal in third place a long way behind Clement Freud who was only two points behind this weekís winner Derek Nimmo.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.