JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 February 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Well as youíve just heard four superb players of the game are going to compete in this battle of wits and try and speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation, going off the subject in any way. And they will score points or otherwise depending on how well they do it. Well let us begin this week with our only lady competitor Andree Melly. Andree would you try and talk on the enticing subject of gossipping starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: Gossipping is lovely! And I just donít believe people when they say they donít like it. When someone comes to you and says "isn;t it dreadful! Have you heard..." I believe everybodyís eyes light up with a glint of malicious pleasure! My own family are absolute addicts. We have...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation, er.

NP: Yes I think there was a slight hesitation there. So you take over the subject Derek of gossipping, you gain a point for a correct challenge and there are 40 seconds to go starting now.

DN: I am an inveterate gossip. Every morning I go to the lady who lives in the cellar next door to me, her nameís Mrs Meredith. Iím not very good...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: He goes there every morning!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Brilliant!

NP: The longer they play the game the more clever they get devising challenges. I think I must definitely uphold that, a very well-won point Clement Freud, there are 31 seconds left for gossipping starting now.

CF: Gossipping is the passing on of uncompulsive information like how is...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: I think there was a hesitation, you have 30 seconds for gossipping...

KW: Heís only been at it five minutes!

NP: We havenít heard from you yet Kenneth Williams, but your time will come.

KW: Sorry!

NP: Andree Melly you have the subject, gossipping, 30 seconds starting now.

AM: "Have you any SBs?" my brother says to me which means spicy bits of information. This is an expression I donít think used in other families. Ah men are...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, alas yes. That means you gain another point Derek, you have 20 seconds for gossipping starting now.

DN: I once went to see this lady and I said "how are you today? Isnít it a lovely day?" She said "I... want to tell you something..."

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation alas yes because I think it was his natural eagerness which was... overcome by his natural hesitation. And there are 14 seconds for you Clement to carry on with gossipping starting now.

CF: What do you know about the Boy Scouts? Well hardly anything at all but do you know anything about the Girl Guides? I know a little bit about the Brownies. On...

BUZZ

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged twice.

DN: Repetition, too many youth movements!

NP: Another clever challenge which gained Derek a point. Actually theer was an awful lot of littles too.

CF: But they were all different you see.

NP: Theyíre all different ones but as yours was a clever challenge which won a point, I think itís only fair to give one to Derek. Derek you have eight seconds, no, seven seconds for gossipping starting now.

DN: I think one of the best ways to gossip really is to go...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition, too many words!

LOUD LAUGHTER

KW: Thatís true! Itís true!

NP: And...

CF: Weíve had every other stupid challenge so...

NP: Well all right, the stupid challenges manage to give Derek Nimmo another point and he has three seconds left for gossipping starting now.

DN: I think one of the most fascinating stories...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes Andree, you have a point, there is one second to go for gossipping starting now.

AM: Women are supposed..

WHISTLE

NP: Those of you who may be new to the game I must explain that whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains another point. Clement Freud would you begin the second round with seaside postcards. Try and talk for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: These are pieces of cardboard which are habitually bought by the seaside, Brighton, Bournemouth, Lowestoft, Yarmouth and Gawson-on-sea being particularly favoured for the purchase of these. You get mottoes and indecent caricatures, invariably making people wish that they were there rather than where they are. The sort of message you get would be wish you were here. This is a particularly interesting and entertaining thing to write on them. The charge by the post offuce for these are fourpence...

BUZZ


NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Itís dead boring!

NP: Boring or not, why have you challenged in Just A Minute.

AM: Because itís deviation...

NP: No...

AM: Itís supposed to be amusing!

NP: Very cleverly tried Andree but Iím afraid I must still be with Clement Freud who has another point and 27 seconds for seaside postcards Clement Freud starting now.

CF: I once received four seaside postcards from a friend...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why did you...

AM: Repetition, he got four!

NP: All right, you were so close last time. And theyíve all had a clever challenge which I...

CF: Really!

NP: So I ...

DN: Heíll sulk! He always sulks when he gets...

NP: Heís... Andree for your clever challenge er 25 seconds for seaside postcards now with you starting now.

AM: Er ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: Yes, seaside postcards, 24 seconds for you Derek starting now.

DN: Seaside postcards are generally fairly vulgar, Iím happy to say. They usually have little mottoes on them like "oh what a lovely pair!" And you turn over and thereís a lovely picture of some fruit in a bowl. And then you write on them messages to your dearest friends. I always send a seaside postcerd to my Aunt Beatrice. Her address is 14 Paasenchef Avenue, Prestatton, North Wales...

WHISTLE

NP: As Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, he gains an extra point and keeps the lead just in front of Andree Melly and Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams will you begin the third round with the subject of curiosity. Will you try and talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Curiosity, it is said, once killed the cat. And many people are against it for this reason. They seem to think that curiosity is an unhealthy sort of thing to indulge in. But of course the fact remains that curiosity is a very healthy thing. Why else indeed would Columbus have gone all that way if he hadnít been curious about what was at the other end? The same thing could be applied of course to Capernica, and indeed Galileo. Because they thought the world was round as opposed to the opinion current at the time that it was flat. And if you went to a certain place, you would fall off! On the other hand of course some people say, ooh, whatís in there? And theyíre told mind your business, you see. I have had this happen to me frequently. I have been very curious on more than one occasion and have had my fingers wrapped for it you know. And itís a disgrace! Because evryone has the right to be curious and should be healthily encouraged in their curiosity...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once Kenneth Williams has a go, he really has a go, doesnít he! Heís got in there with a vengeance and heís the first person to manage to speak for a full 60 seconds without being interrupted.

KW: Have I leapt into the lead?

NP: No. Iím just about to give you a bonus point...

KW: Oh lovely!

NP: ...for having spoken for the full 60 seconds...

KW: Oh lovely!

NP: So you have leapt into a definite fourth place! But no doubt when you get in again you will surge firther ahead.

KW: Yes!

NP: Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, making the bed. That is the subject thatís been chosen for you, 60 seconds will do for you to talk on it and will you begin now.

DN: Making the bed is something that I do know quite a bit about. And I use the definite article advisedly. What I always do when Iím making the bed is I get into my motor car and I drive up to Ulswater and there on the banks of the particularly beautiful carnivorous forest I go into the forest with my little saw. And I cut down all pine trees. Iím making as you probably guessed a four poster bed. I cut the pine trees down and I peel all the bark off the pine trees...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! It was so fascinating Derek that Iím reluctant to leave it. But Clement Freud definitely has it fir hesitation and 30 seconds with a point to you Clement, making the bed, starting now.

CF: Ideally you start with a mattress which you turn, under which an underblanket is placed on the right side of it. And the sheet is then placed and upon it a pillow, a pillow case and in some cases two pillows...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge?

DN: Repetition, two cases. Pillow cases and some cases.

NP: All right, weíll be with you this time. Some times I have to give a secondís pause to think who should I give the benefit of the doubt to. Iíve given it against Derek once so Iíll give it back to him this time. And there are 12, 13 seconds for making the bed, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: So back I drive to the capital city clutching with me my four pieces of wood. I then carve them into beautiful shapes. On one I put a little cherub all over actually. And on another a piece of plaster which they call jesso actually in the trade...

WHISTLE

NP: As Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went again, he gains an extra point there. And heís making his lead a commanding one. Clement Freud will you start the next round with a very definite subject concerned with cooking, duck clippers. There are 60 seconds for you to talk on this starting now.

CF: (coughs)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

CF: I had a stutter! I had a stutter!

NP: I know you havenít and you didnít get on it! Derek Nimmo, 60, no, 57 seconds for duck clippers starting now.

DN: Duck clippers are absolutely essential. Anyone who has webbed feet will know that itís terribly important to keep the scales well clipped...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Mmmm.

NP: Yes a hesitation. You have 47 seconds for duck clippers now Clement starting now.

CF: If you have a duck then you might find it essential to use clippers to dis er...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, duck clippers to you now Andree...

CF: Itís my teeth!

NP: Will you begin now?

AM: Duck clippers, this is two words. The first one is spelled D-U-C-K and as everybody knows is a certain kind of bird. There are various types which can swim on the water. You can find them in the serpentine, or perhaps in Regents Park. They fly in a particular V-shaped er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes will you take back duck clippers, 25 seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: Disecting the wing from the animal is the first purpose to which you put your clippers. After which you attack the legs. As a result of wielding these afore-mentioned utensils, your serving dish now has upon it a couple of wings, two legs and a breast carefully disected...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Disecting twice. He disected before, you disected again, so that is repetition.

NP: Yes it is, I was just trying to remember whether he had said disecting twice, I think you are right. So you have another point, you have three seconds for duck clippers Derek starting now.

DN: Actually thereís a very well-known...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, you have two seconds for duck clippers Clement Freud starting now.

CF: The liver is a very excellent place...

WHISTLE

NP: So with the benefit of the doubt in that round going to Clement Freud, heís taken the lead of one over Derek Nimmo. And er Kenneth Williams as we havenít heard from you for a time, it is your turn to begin again. Letís hope we can have a repeat performance for the most dreadful thing that ever happened to me. Kenneth Williams will you talk on that subject starting now.

KW: The most dreadful thing that ever happened to me was in Ceylon. And I was sitting in this military establishment and I must tell you that all the walls didnít quite leave the ground. There was a gap in the air to come in and I was supposed to be typing. I was doing this and I heard a hissing noise and I thought it was a bit of paper blowing from a draught underneath these walls you see. And I found out to my horror, a cobra, a cobra staring me in the face! I was appalled! It certainly was the most dreadful moment I have ever experienced! And my voice all started to shrink and I said (high pitched) "Sir! Sir! Sir!"

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly (laughing)

KW: I hadnít finished!

NP: Yes, need you say it but I think you should.

AM: No I feel rotten because I want to hear what he said!

NP: Oh we canít let three Sirs go.

AM: No I thought not.

NP: Iím afraid your Sir, you were so feeling it werenít you, youíd forgotten that um so... Andree has a point, she has 26 seconds for the most dreadful thing that ever hapoened to me starting now.

AM: When I was seven and at boarding...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I want to hear Kenneth Williams!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All youíve done is make Andree Melly who doesnít listen with us every week feel absolutely rotten!

KW: Oh he didnít mean to...

NP: And also...

KW: Heís lovely! You can tell!

NP: For those of you who listen at home I must point out Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud so sit side by side in this game.

KW: Yes itís a blandishment, itís only a blandishment!

NP: Steady on! Some people might misinterpret that word. Andree Melly you have another point because that challenge was unjustified, you have 24 seconds for the most dreadful thing that ever happened to me starting now.

AM: I was caught...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. So Clement you get another point and the subject with 23 seconds for this subject starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation, it is hesitation.

LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The little blandishment from Clement Freud then. Kenneth Williams gains a point, he has 22 seconds for the most... I must point out that Clement Freud is so keen to hear Kenneth Williams finish about his Sie Sir Sir that heís helped him gain a point and the subject with 22 seconds for the most dreadful thing that ever happened to me...

DN: Excuse me, just another point... is he allowed to press Kenneth Williamsí buzzer?

NP: Whether he is allowed or not heís done it, Kenneth has a point, he has the subject and he starts now.

KW: Well I was scared of this cobra and I said "sir" because my commanding officer was next door. And he came in and he said "what? what? whatís... er..."

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you have 15 seconds left for...

AM: (squeaking through her laughter) Hesitation.

NP: ...the most dreadful thing that ever happened to me starting now.

AM: I got caught stealing the toad out of the toad in the hole when I was at boarding school. Well I hid them in my hankie at the bottom of the garden. And the geography mistress found the hankie because it had my name Melly attach... sewn... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you have two seconds left for the most dreadful thing that ever happened to me starting now.

CF: The school cook gave me spotted...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo itís your turn to begin. Derek, things I do when nobodyís looking. Thatís a rather strange subject thatís been thought up for you, so I think you should have a second to think about it...

DN: Thinking it over...

NP: Get off on the right foot and Derek will you begin now.

DN: Well of course actually Iím a great lamppost banger. What I do is I go along the street with my umbrella and I tap these pieces of street furniture. I go "One!" on the first one and "Two! Three!" on the second and "Three! Four!" on the third. And sometimes when Iím sitting at home... look at all these people looking at me rather surprised! When I get out of here, I recite nursery rhymes! All by myself in a darkeend room with a glass of whiskey in one hand. And I say "Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey, there came a big spider and sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away!" And then I give myself a round of applause...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Two ways.

CRIES OF "AWWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, Iíll tell you what. No I think this is one of those...

CF: Oh no no no, the audience...

NP: Yes!

CF: Itís a pro-Nimmo audience! You have to give it to him.

NP: Well weíll see, weíll put it to the test because I donít want to be the judge on this one because of the way. If you think that Clement Freudís challenge was justified will you cheer.

CF: Hooray!

NP: And if you think it was unjustified will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre definitely, their way is the Derek Nimmo way and so Derek theyíre with you, you have another point, you have 27, five seconds for things I do when nobodyís looking starting now.

DN: Sometimes I sit in a disused air raid shelter and I count. I go one, two, three, four...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Repetition because he was counting with those lampposts.

NP: Indeed he was counting those lampposts.

DN: So I was yes!

NP: So Derek, against you. You have another point and you have 17 seconds for this subject starting now.

AM: I pull faces in the mirror. I like doing that quite a lot. I wouldnít dream of doing it if there was anybody there. I like to walk around with nothing on when itís nice and warm, doing the cooking like a certain television programme I saw on that subject. And then I talk to my...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation so Kenneth there are three seconds for you to tell us what things I do when nobosyís looking starting now.

KW: Thereís no point in doing things when nobodyís looking because the whole point is you must do something...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round the position is still the same. Andree Melly will you begin the next round with famous last sayings. That I think needs a secondís thought, so having given you time will you please start now.

AM: The most famous one I suppose is Nelson who said "kiss me Hardy". I never really quite knew why. And another one I know is my great-uncle Willy, who just before he died said "oh hell!" And then went. I can never understand about these famous sayings because I think when youíre busy dying I canít think how you have the time to think up something to say. And I believe that people really think before they die what theyíre going to have people say they said when they did. Er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Famous last sayings is with you Clement, thereís 26 seconds...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: No, no, just an accidental twitch.

NP: Accidental... ah, 26 seconds left starting now.

CF: People when they are about to go tend to care.... think of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Your twitch was in time that time. There are 21 seconds for famous last sayings starting now.

DN: The Lord Pageant who became the future Marquis of Anglesea, when he was dying, of course by that time he was indeed ennobled, even further ennobled, he was a Marquis. What he said was, he said "would you please give me a large cup of green chocolate?" And the funny thing was...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo has caught up, one point behind Clement Freud whoís still in the lead. Clement Freud would you begin the enxt round, my most important discovery. Weíre having a lot of long ones in this particular game. Thatís the subject Clement, 60 seconds to talk about it starting now.

CF: My most important discovery was America which I discovered 23 years ago. I got off a steam ship, landed, and said to a man who met me "are you an American" and he said "yes". And...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, my most important discovery, 45 seconds starting now.

DN: My most important discovery was Clement Freud. I had not realised till I actually was confronted with the genuine, dissipated, decadent Clement Freud that such nasty things existed in the fair city of London. It was to me a tremendous shock and something which I, I hope you donít mind me saying so, I never quite recovered from. He arrived I remember on this very stage, covered in green soup...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why...

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Weíd met long before that.

DN: Nonsense! Never!

NP: Yeah Iím prepared to believe Clement Freud, he has another point, he has 21 seconds for my most important discovery starting now.

CF: "Are you Clement Freud?" said the American. "Yes," said I. "I have been discovered", said the American. And this has gone down in many events as... an epic event...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, my most important discovery, 12 seconds starting now.

DN: The interesting thing about him too is that he wears shirts. They are usually shirts that donít have a tie. Sometimes he does wear them but not very often really. His trousers are rather mud stained, his shoes are never polished...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams, ah, a good subject for you Iím sure Kenneth. My first audition. Can you discourse on this for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: My first audition occured when I was at school. And we were required at the end of one term to get up and speak a poem in the language we had been taught at the school. I mean that is to say apart from our own language, which obviously we were taught. And I got up on the stage and I proclaimed (recites very quickly at length in German)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?... Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: (recites very quickly in German)

KW: Is nast to!

NP: (speaks in German) For all those of you who donít understand German I must explain..

CF: Nor do we!

NP: That Kenneth Williams has won a point. Iím still with Kenneth, you have a point, you have the subject still and 31 seconds for my first audition starting now.

KW: And then we had to do a piece in English and I did the bit about (very oratorical, very fast) the barge, she looked like a burnished throne, burned on the water, the poop was gleaming gold (full speed gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: (faster and faster gibberish)

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Did I get in?

NP: In the middle of your flow Andree Melly challenged. Andree why did you challenge?

AM: Deviation, because itís meant to be his first audition and heís giving it now.

KW: It was, I had to do it in English and German, my first audition.

NP: Iím sure that Kenneth is so good that he did his first audition exactly like that.

KW: Thank you!

NP: Kenneth you have another point...

KW: Yes!

NP: There are still 10 seconds left for you to go on about my firts audition starting now.

KW: Well at the end of it, they were absolutely staggered, stunned would probably be a better word. And I was immediately asked to join the Haversham Repertory Players and I did, and the first part was a footman.. Well you wouldnít know this from the part would you but...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that unfortunately is the last round. And if you had known that as I knew it before we began the round, youíd have noticed how tense I was if you were. So let us say that Kenneth Williams came a very good fourth, Andree Melly was an excellent third. And Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo came avery fine equal first. Congratulations to our winners.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.