JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 January 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we welcome back to the show lovely Aimi Macdonald who is going to represent the ladies and try and do battle with these three stalwart devastating men who are so frightening the way they play the game. Iím sure youíre going to do very well Aimi. May I remind you, itís just as before. Iím going to ask them to try and speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without deviation and without repeating themselves in any way at all. If they can do that, they will gain points and the others may challenge if they think they are guilty of not doing that. This is the way we play and I think the rest will become apparent as we continue. And Kenneth Williams weíd like you to continue this week. The subject is policemen. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well quite recently, one of them came up to me and said "here, say something funny!" And I couldnít think of anything remotely comical at that particular period. But I went later to a banquet given by 400 policemen, H Division actually, and was asked to make a speech. I got up there, andf I said to them, I said, "the mask of tragedy and the mask of comedy are but one..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DEREK NIMMO: Two masks.

NP: Two masks, yes. I quite agree, it was a repetition...

KW: Nimmo, youíre a fool to yourself!

NP: But I agree with your challenge Derek, and that means you gain a point and you take over the subject with 31 seconds for policemen starting now.

DN: Well like Kenneth Williams, I too enjoy police balls. I went to one...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Yes I agree with the challenge, you gain a point and you take over the subject with 28 seconds left, policemen, starting now.

CF: On my way to the studio this evening, I came through Hyde Park. And a policeman came up to me, by most belligerently...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

CF: ...rapping his knuckles against the window of my car...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you...

CF: ...and I stopped and I said "take your..."

KW: You did wait there, hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation. So Kenneth I agree with the hesitation and you take a point and there are 21 seconds left for policemen starting now.

KW: Policemen can be extremely useful in a ticklish situation. And when I was apprehended once by a dreadful lout I called for the aforesaid mentioned dignitary...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AIMI MACDONALD: Um deviation, heís talking about louts now.

CF: Yes!

NP: Yes!

CF: Mmmm!

NP: Yes!

KW: I didnít say anything of the kind!

NP: You did say about a lout, yes.

KW: Well thatís apropos of calling a policeman. I started off by saying...

AM: Yes but you were going to go on about it, being a lout.

NP: Oh yes! We canít have that! With a lady present!

CF: He did go on a bit!

DN: Itís so ungallant!

KW: Oh perhaps I should go into purdah or something! Oh marvellous! Oh Lord!

NP: So Aimi you have gained your first point and you have six seconds left for policemen starting now.

AM: Policemen are usually very tall and masculine. They wear navy blue uniforms...

WHISTLE

KW: Yes!

NP: Well the whistle going there tells us that 60 seconds are up, is up and whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Aimi Macdonald. Youíll never believe the subject thatís coming up for the next round, itís called rubbish. Aimi would you try and talk on the subject of rubbish for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: There are very different forms of rubbish. One is the sort of rubbish that one puts in oneís garbage can. There is another sort of rubbish which is what one talks sometimes. A lot of people talk rubbish. Politicians, Derek Nimmo, um Clement Freud...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, youíve challenged.

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: I talk very good sense.

NP: You talk very good rubbish as well.

DN: Oh!

NP: So Aimi Macdonald has another point and 42 seconds to continue with rubbish starting now.

AM: I always seem to have an awful lot of rubbish. Because I collect a lot of things. And once in a while I have a great big clearing out session in which I throw out all my rubbish. I usually have collected by this time a great deal, ie. old letters, um...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

AM: I did.

NP: Yes, so Clement, I agree this time, you have a point and there are 21 seconds left for rubbish starting now.

CF: Some time ago in the city of London, there was a strike of refuse collectors as a result of which we had one of the finest assemblies of tin cans, cardboard boxes, old pieces of toast, new um bacon rind...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Kenneth, you take over the subject of rubbish with seven seconds left starting now.

KW: We were all reminded during the recent strike what wonderful men those people are...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

KW: ...and I think we should pay a tribute, I think itís all...

NP: Youíve been challenged er Kenneth...

KW: A tribute to the greatness of those people...

NP: Clement why did you challenge?

KW: ..and the people who go down sewers...

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why deviation?

KW: ...they go down sewers!

NP: Why did you challenge?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The strike was not recent!

NP: To some people recent means last week. To others it means last month or even the month before. Therefore Kenneth I agree with you, you have another point and there are three seconds left for rubbish starting now.

KW: Those noble dustmen I salute them! Even if they come round the corner...

WHISTLE

NP: Heís still going on! Iíve never known anybody go on after the whistle for such a long time. But Kenneth you have got the lead...

KW: Oh lovely! Oh very nice!

NP: A definite lead at the end of that round. But Derek Nimmo it is your turn to begin the next round. Humming birds, will you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Well I was going through Jesmond Dean in Newcastle some three and a half weeks ago, it was a Thursday afternoon around about 3.03, and all of a sudden over a convent wall, I heard a droning sound. I looked over this aforesaid piece of stonework and there I saw a collection of convent girls, all in a circle and going "mmmmm". Very short one so it wouldnít be repetitious, you see. And then I said "what are you doing..."

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald you challenged, why?

AM: Um deviation, well he hasnít actually said humming birds yet, has he.

NP: Oh but I think heís made it quite clear to us that those little girls in there were humming birds. You see, as youíre a very pretty little bird yourself Aimi, you donít realise that thatís how these chaps talk about birds, you see. So Derek Nimmo has another point and there are 33 seconds left for humming birds starting now.

DN: Well the first time that I ever met one, I went into a dance hall in Liverpool, The Grafton Rooms, and went over to this very pretty woman sitting inside and said "excuse me, could I have the pleasure of this dance?" She said (in Liverpool accent) "no, ask me mate, Iím sweating!" (normal voice) And I must say she was really quite the hummiest bird that I had ever met. And then after that I went to the Tropics of Africa. And then I saw a lovely flight in the sky, a lot of tiny birds coming towards me. And I thought "oh I know what they are, they are, I know, humming birds! My goodness, what a thrill!" And I snapped away...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that was the first time for quite a time that somebody who has started with a subject despite interruptions, has also finished with it, which Derek Nimmo did just then. Congratulations Derek, you have another two points for that round. And your humming birds certainly, you kept going marvellously through the audience laughter too. But youíre only in second place, alas, at the end of that round. Kenneth is still in the lead. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, my fans. Will you talk about them, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My fans are numerous. There is to begin with a Mrs Johnson who lives at 14 Railway Cottage at Burnley. And also Miss Violet...

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: The, er, hesitation...

NP: Yes.

DN: ...because he canít remember Violetís surname!

NP: I donít think he can remember his fan actually! He dried up after Violet! So there we are, 47 seconds Derek for my fans starting now.

DN: Well I have a most wonderful collection of fans actually. I keep them in a glass case in my dining room. Some of them are Chinese ones, which are made, some with feathers really. Iíve got a lovely peacock feathered fan, which is really the pride of my collection...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: The feathers.

NP: Peacock feathered fan.

CF: We had, we had a repetition of feathers.

NP: I donít remember it.

CF: Oh I do!

DN: Rubbish! Absolute rubbish!

NP: Clement Freudís family says yes, whatís the rest of the audience say? Have we had a repetition of feathers? If you agree will you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: We have not had a repetition of...

CF: You wait!

NP: They will have to wait! Thirty-seven seconds Derek for you to continue with my fans starting now.

DN: Well there is always...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Kenneth, I agree, you take over the subject of my fans, 35 seconds starting now.

KW: Theyíre only made of rice paper, and in moments of great heat or passion, I frequently move them agitatedly, so as to create a sort of breeze or eo or zephyr as some people call them. (laughs)

BUZZ

KW: But my ardour...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Theyíre always fanning me Ďarder, you see!

NP: Clement Freud challenged you before that!

CF: Repetition of ha. He went hahahaha.

NP: Ah a very clever challenge, yes you... So Clement I quite agree and even cleverer way of challenging than hesitation. Twenty-three seconds Clement, my fans, starting now.

CF: Many of them write to me often on envelopes which have no stamps which means that I have to pay an extra eightpence, in some cases tenpence, in order to receive such communications as they have...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, I canít believe theyíre fans if they write without...

NP: I can, if theyíre Clement Freudís fans! So Clement Freud has another point and there are seven seconds left, my fans, starting now.

CF: You are absolutely my favourite chap is the usual beginning. Although there are some that start "Dear Mr Freud..."

WHISTLE

NP: It was Clement Freud speaking when the whistle went then, he gains an extra point. Itís a very interesting situation now, the three men are equal in the lead and Aimi is only just a little way behind the chaps. Kenneth will you begin the next round, my best points. Were they the ones you were fanning in the last round? Anyway will you talk about them for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

KW: I very nearly wasnít able to, because you practically took the words out of my mouth! But! The nose has been likened to Blackpool tunnel! And the neck to a swan, leider in actual fact! And the lips are generous to a fault! Iíve had that said to me. "What an orifice!" Iíve had said. And the residence of course. You will note that the voice has this mellifluous carrying quality. Oh it floats upon the ear like the sweet south that breathes upon a bank of violets, stealing and giving odour. Oh I almost stun myself sometimes with the talent, with the listing of your good points, you see. And I think itís a...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AM: Um repetition.

NP: Of what?

AM: Well heís, heís, er, going on about himself all the time.

NP: Youíve never put it better Aimi, he really is going on about himself. But as itís his best, my best points, the subject, I think heís entitled to go on for once. So Kenneth I will let you continue to go on about yourself...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: There are 14 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well it was suggested I dye my hair. Because somebody said "thatís not one of your best points, I can tell you!" But I thought no. Weekly Iíd have to be coping with the chemicals and the roots would probably go rotten. I had seen somebody elseís and they went green...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once again in this... control yourself Kenneth!

KW: How am I? Have I leapt in?

NP: Yes! I beg your pardon?

KW: In the lead?

NP: Oh yes, I see what you mean. Yes youíve definitely leapt in the lead.

KW: Oh I hope I can sustain it!

NP: You have a two point lead.

KW: Oh good!

NP: Over all the others! Aimi Macdonald will you begin the next round. Er Kenneth has just told us one of his best points was not his hair, and undoubtedly yours is. And that is the subject on the card, hair. Will you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Well there are many different types of hair, some is long, some short, some thick, some is thin. Derek Nimmo has brown hair. Iíve got blonde hair. Kenneth Williams has got mousy hair...

BUZZ

AM: Repetition? What did I do?

NP: I must explain to listeners that Clement Freud challenged just before Aimi Macdonald got to the description of his hair! And why have you challenged?

CF: That was only one of the points!

NP: Have you any others very quickly?

CF: Repetition of hair.

NP: Yes we did have too much. You can mention the subject on the card Aimi but not more than about three times.

AM: Oh.

NP: And you know 33 is a bit going it, isnít it. Forty-five seconds left for hair Clement starting now.

CF: I used to have an abundant growth of hair. It was lucious, luxuriant and covered right down towards a widowís peak... Shut up!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Shut up, deviation!

NP: Youíre absolutely right but I will score no points on that round because I think that Clement was put off by, um, Kennethís actions. So we continue with Clement, 30 seconds left, hair, starting now.

CF: When I was a small boy, it was fair. And it gradually grew darker until in the end it fell away. And I decided, in view of the fact that it was a necessary commodity, to allow it to continue to bud all over my face, cover my chin and my upper lip, which in common parlance is known as a beard and a moustache and sideboards which I now sport to the general satisfaction of my entire family who would in fact have me more...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went he gains an extra point, and heís now in the lead alongside Kenneth Williams. Clement Freud itís your turn to begin and the subject is getting up in the morning. Can you talk for Just A Minute on that starting now.

CF: Getting up in the morning is a fairly easy thing to do especially if Aimi Macdonald is trailing. What you do is you listen to the alarm clock, and when it finally finishes chirping, you brush the afore-mentioned er female member of the panel...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I quite agree, he was getting a bit troubled by Aimi Macdonaldís thoughts he created, I think, at the beginning. So Kenneth I agree with you, you have a point and you have 42 seconds left for getting up in the morning starting now.

KW: You rise in the early maude, bringing forth the clarity in the milode (full speed gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well the subject is getting up in the morning and not rubbish! Deviation.

KW: Um yes I agree it is rubbish. So Derek you have a point and there are 36 seconds left for egtting up in the morning starting now.

DN: Of course I get up with the larks. When that little bird sings...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Itís nothing to do, he couldnít possibly get up with a lark!

NP: (laughs) I quite agree. Itís a wonderful picture of Derek trying to get up with a lark. So I think itís such a delightful challenge, I must give you a point Kenneth and say there are 34 seconds left for getting up in the morning starting now.

KW: The best way to do this is fill your heart with hope, which as Byron says "always shows a white sail on a snowy sea..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Itís a poetry recital, deviation.

KW: Heís talking about getting up, dear!

NP: The poetry, it may be a poetry recital but thereís nothing in the rules which says you canít speak poetry...

KW: No! There isnít you see!

NP: Kenneth has a point and he continues with the subject, 26 seconds starting now.

KW: Off with the pyjamas into the bath and the tingling...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Heís up!

NP: In fairness to you Derek, I will give it to you. Because one has to give the benefit of the doubt occasionally, and this time it must come your way. And the audience obviously agree, 22 seconds left, getting up in the morning, starting now.

DN: I lie there with my head on the pillow, and I think "is it time..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Heís down!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh itís brilliant!

NP: If you win a point for being up, you win a point for being down. Clement Freud gets apoint and there are 20 seconds left starting now.

CF: I raise my head slowly before slipping my legs over the side of the bed and gently pulling down my pyjama trousers. Then sitting up...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Filth! Absolute filth! No excuse! Not getting up, just...

CF: I wear a kilt under my pyjama top!

NP: Now that would be devious!

CF: But it wouldnít be filth!

NP: I agree! I have to say within the rules of the game that Clement Freud has another point and there are eight seconds left for getting up in the morning starting now.

CF: The small tea making machine ticks away while Iím in the process of rising from the sheets and pillows...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that hilarious round Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud are still equal in the lead, and Derek is just one point behind. And Aimi still in much the same position as she was before, but we are expecting great things now Aimi. A fur tippet is the subject and Kenneth itís your turn to begin, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: (strange posh but strangled voice) This is something I believe the late Nellie Wallace made famous. She wore this thing round her neck. I think they are very attractive, myself. But of course they are a bit out of fashion...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I couldnít hear it!

NP: Youíre not the only one! I couldnít hear it either! But you canít challenge for that so I suppose Kenneth has another point...

CF: Oh it was repetition, I couldnít hear any of it.

NP: He was definitely making a noise, so you cannot challenge for repetition...

CF: It was a repetitious unhearable noise.

NP: No you said you couldnít hear it, so youíre challenging for repetition of a silence. So therefore Kenneth must logically have a point, whether itís fair or not I donít know but itís logical. So Kenneth has a point and there are 45 seconds left for a fur tippet starting now.

KW: A fur tippet really should be discussed by a lady or a conteriea, if I put it that way, and not by a man. A manís...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

KW: I said a man twice!

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Yes!

NP: Oh Iím sorry, Iíve got the buzzers wrong, have I? Aimi Macdonald, you challenged, did you?

CF: Yes.

AM: Oh itís me.

NP: Oh dear was that right? Oh Aimi Iím so sorry, the buzzers, au... ladies and gentlemen. Slight difference, I have a lot of buzzers here. And Aimi Macdonald Iím delighted to know that you challenged for repetition of man.

AM: But darling I didnít challenge!

NP: Yes! Well done! Well done! A very clever challenge, very observant of you, you got in very quickly that time. Aimi the subject is a fur tippet and there are 37 secodns left starting now.

AM: Well if I was a fur tippet, Iíd like to be put on a very expensive coat. There I would lie across the shoulders in all my glory. And I would entice all the ladies walking down the street and looking at me through the shop window to come in and buy me. And I would have a very good home and I would be worn such a lot with tremendous aplomb as I...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation. Sheís not a fur tippet.

NP: But she did establish right at the beginning if I was a fur tippet...

DN: Give her the point, it doesnít matter.

NP: What was that?

DN: It gives her a point.

NP: Yes! Oh how gallalant these fellows are! Gallalant, did I say? Well theyíre all so gallalant and gallant! So Aimi... you ready to start Aimi? Well Iíll give you the word, there are 11 seconds left, fur tippet starting now.

AM: Well if I wasnít afur tippet, then I would like to be a fur coat, because then I could put a fur tippet...

BUZZ

NP: Derek at last you challenged.

DN: (can hardly speak for laughing)

AM: I was just about to put the fur tippet on.

NP: Derek came in far too quickly then.

DN: Much too...

NP: Very unfair! Very ungallant! Aimi was going to say that if she was a fur coat sheíd have a fur tippet on it. So there are...

KW: Of course!

NP: So Aimi you have four seconds left for a fur tippet starting now.

AM: So if I was this fur coat you see, and I had this lovely...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

AM: Oh repetition.

CF: I havenít given her a point yet.

NP: Well in that case... well youíve certainly, youíve certainly given her one now with that disastrous challenge. So Aimi you have another point, there are two seconds, no, one second left, fur tippet starting now.

AM: Fur tippet...

WHISTLE

NP: As Aimi was speaking as the whistle went she gained yet another point and Iím afraid that is the end not only of the round but of this particular edition of Just A Minute. Aimi Macdonald leapt up from fourth place into, believe it or not, second place...

AM: Oh I didnít!

NP: ...alongside Derek Nimmo and they are both equal in second place.

AM: Really?

NP: And they are both in second place because for the first time we have two winners, and only two points ahead of these two were our lovely couple, the inseparable couple on my right whose romance has blossomed, gone through trials and tribulations until on this particular edition of Just A Minute they have come out hand in hand together, winners, with two points lead over the others! Congratulations to our joint winners!

KW: Thank you! Thank you! On behalf of the team I thank you!

NP: Iím sorry thatís all we have time for because we once again have really enjoyed playing Just A Minute. We do hope that youíve enjoyed listening to it. Good-bye from us all. Good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.