JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 March 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we have these four intrepid players of the game who are going to try and do justice to the game and speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And of one of the others thinks they are guilty of this they will challenge and whether I agree or disagree with the challenge, they will gain points or otherwise. That is how we try to play. And Kenneth Williams will you begin this particular edition, the subject is Boswell.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ohhhh!

NP: Yes! You like the idea of that so will you talk for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well of course heís best known to us for his journal, and especially his remarks about Johnson. They reckoned that he was a bit of a sycophant and that he provoked a lot of the, the sayings himself. But there is a charming anecdote about them taking all the temple steps. And when they got in he leant against the side of the boat and he looked at the old boy and he said "do you think this boy would row us any better if he was educated?" And Johnson said by way of reply to the boy "what would you give to know of the Argonauts?" And the reply was "why sir, I would give what I have." And that...

BUZZ

NP: (laughing) Clement Freud...

KW: Why has he challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís not a charming anecdote!

NP: Oh what a...

KW: Charming isnít it!

NP: Iíll tell you what Iíll do, charming can be interpreted in many different ways. And also you can say "that was charming" and mean quite the reverse of it. So I think, I would have let you have it for hesitation, he couldnít have gone much slower without falling down then! So as I disagree with that challenge Kenneth gets a point and there are three seconds left for Boswell Kenneth starting now.

KW: And of course he tells us that David Garrick clutched him by the lapels...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. Derek will you begin the next round for us, the subject is the Russian step. Would you speak about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Well of course I used to be a tremendous devotee of the black bottom. And then after a while at Vladivostock where I was shown the Russian step. And itís a different, more complicated...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation, he tripped over...

NP: Yes he did trip, he was just about to be so interesting about all these weird dances. So I must unfortunately give it away from you Derek and say Andree has a point and there are 49 seconds for the Russian step Andree starting now.

AM: Stand on your left foot, and lift your right foot, and jump in the air...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of foot.

NP: Yes indeed there was. So Clement you get a point and there are 45 seconds for the Russian step starting now.

CF: The Chinese skips, and the Japanese hops, but the Russian steps. This is one of the things that is always playing when you walk east of Dover. This is also a geographical location which no-one has yet mentioned. I thought it might be time to say this. Um...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well we donít want all his personal opinions do we? Get on with the subject!

KW: Yes...

DN: Stop mucking about!

KW: Yes!

DN: Iíve never heard anything, he goes on like that, doesnít he?

NP: So why have you challenged?

DN: Oh, mumbling through his beard! Deviation!

NP: You got a very well-deserved laugh, but you havenít established a point of deviation. So Clement Freud continues with the subject, there are 24 seconds left for the Russian step Clement starting now.

CF: The district is flat and cold, and in the winter people freeze, shiver and hardly ever dance at all. In many works of literature you find the Russian step is mentioned and in particular in Siberia which is possibly the hardest toughest step of them all...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well too many steps.

NP: Weíve had the Russian steps, and er yes when he says steps again, not in the context of the actual subject on the card, it is um repetition. So there are five seconds for you Derek, Russian step starting now.

DN: Well I leapt on the Trans-Siberian Railway and away I sped across the tundra and there...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree Melly will you begin the next round for us, the subject is luck. Quite something I think that you definitely need if you want to play this game but will you try and talk about it, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: There are two kinds, the good one and the bad one. Good luck is something that you wish people when theyíre doing something very dangerous like jumping out of an aeroplane or getting married. And bad luck is something you say when the parachute is opened or the marriage bust-up. And some people are very suspisherrr... suspicious...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, hesitation, yes, you shouldnít have corrected yourself Andree. Twenty-six seconds for luck Derek starting now.

DN: I remember when I was a very young soldier being down on my luck, outside Cathrick which is in Yorkshire. I had the most terrible time really because I had a knapsack on, and a little billy can by my side. And as they, I came out of the church, they had me all in this black...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree, yes.

DN: I was in full flood! Absolutely full flood!

NP: Full flood with a hesitation in the middle of the flood! And Clement takes the subject of luck, nine and a half seconds starting now.

CF: There was an old man named Hunt who took his sister out to play rugger which was terribly bad luck because at the school to which he went...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Iím sorry, I had an itchy thumb!

NP: Yes you had, you thought it was deviation. Clement still has another point and the subject and two seconds left starting now.

CF: Because she was lucky enough to go to a school where games were not compulsory!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freudís clever and able use of words has managed to give him three very rapid points and has given him the lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round for us, the subject is foibles. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: One of the few foibles that I have is when walking down Piccadilly on one leg as I pass between...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, if youíve only got one leg, you hop! You canít walk down...

NP: I think thatís a very clever challenge that deserves the subject and a point, and there are 47 seconds for foibles Derek starting now.

DN: I have so many foibles really. It does give me a terrible pleasure to tell you all about them actually. One is that every Tuesday morning during Lent, I go into the middle of the round pond wearing only a strapless bra and a green hat which is shaped like, oh, a mosquito net...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, these are eccentricities, theyíre not foibles. If he goes about...

NP: Kenneth I will give you a bonus point for cleverness and leave the subject with Derek because it could still be a foible, and 35 seconds left for foibles Derek starting now.

DN: All sorts of people...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Clement you get a point and the subject, 34 seconds left...

DN: Disgraceful! Absolutely totally disgraceful!

NP: ...with foibles...

KW: Withhold your indignance sir!

NP: Why? One of the longest pauses weíve had today. Why was it disgraceful?

DN: Well I just think itís a disgrace, thatís all! The next person had been in and he had been in...

NP: Clement gets a point and he takes over the subject of foibles, 34 seconds left starting now.

CF: Limping eastwards towards Leicester Square I have this extraordinary thing about avoiding ladders which are propped up against buildings. There was one day in October nineteen hundred and forty-nine when I was walking as I intimated towards my goal, when I passed under such an obstruction and a bucket fell upon my head. Ever since which time I have desisted from so doing and now walk towards the north-west...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of walk.

NP: Yes, yes....

CF: I limped before.

NP: Yes but actually having established that you were limping, you then said walking which could have been deviation. But you say, you said walking twice, and Derek gets the point and there are six seconds for foibles Derek starting now.

DN: There was a young lady called Foible who always sat on the toible, whenever she went out they gave her such a shout...

WHISTLE

KW: Very good, wasnít it! Thank you! A marvelous occasion! Marvelous!

NP: So when the whistle went then Derek was speaking and he gains that extra point. Kenneth will you begin the next round for us. The subject following foibles is scruples. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: As I understand it, this is the quality of hesitation in making any kind...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No I thought you were going to say something else which I would have granted but I disagree with the hesitation, 47 seconds left for scruples Kenneth starting now.

KW: Of judgement, such as I will not scruple in this matter. Now itís derived from an ancient apothecaryís weight, one of the tiniest there is. And as you probably know, it is (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

KW: Thatís not... what are you talking about?

NP: No he didnít hesitate, he did pretty well everything else but he didnít hesitate. He went terribly quyiet and he giggled. No he never actually hesitated. So Kenneth there are 36 seconds for scruples Kenneth starting now.

KW: And of course scrupulosity, thus I have not used the word again, ahahahah!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, haha!

KW: Oh!

NP: Derek I agree, you take a point and there are 27 seconds for scruples starting now.

DN: There was a man who had no scruples. And the funny thing about it was he always had to limp every day, going..

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you have challenged.

KW: Who was the challenge there?

NP: It was Andree Melly challenged, she got in first.

AM: Er Iíve for gotten what it was, but I knew then!

NP: You knew then and I quite agree with you, we wonít go into it. So Andree you take over the subject and there are 18 seconds left for scruples starting now.

AM: These are things youíre supposed to have if youíre a really honourable person. Like paying for your ticket in the bus when nobodyís asked you, and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: This is not what the word means, therefore itís deviation.

NP: What does it mean then?

KW: What sheís talking about is honesty.

NP: Yes but you, youcan have a scruple about being scrupulously honest.

KW: You can be scrupulously evil, my dear fellow.

NP: I know, and you can be scrupulously honest.

KW: But sheís saying it means paying for your fare which is being honest which it donít mean!

NP: No, no, she said.

KW: She said it meant paying for your fare! Now you canít deny it! You go back on that and Iíll trounce you sir!

NP: She. she said it means paying for your fare, and she is very scrupulous about it. It is one of her scruples that she always pays for her fare!

KW: Ooohhh you should have been a barrister! Oh!

NP: Andree Melly gets another point and there are 10 seconds left Andree for scruples starting now.

AM: Of course you can be scrupulously dishonest and this means...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Repetition, weíve already established that. Iíve just said you can be scrupulously evil.

NP: Weíve had scrupulous already so you actually...

DN: He actually did it between, in the challenge.

NP: You challenged for deviation, didnít you? Deviation, didnít you, no, yes it wasnít deviation...

KW: No, I said repetition.

NP: Of what?

KW: That weíd already established it!

NP: You canít, you canít say repetition, weíve already established it, what are you...

KW: She said you can be scrupulously dishonest, Iíve already said that you can be scrupulously evil, so weíve established it.

AM: You havenít challenged.

NP: But you canít be... you havenít established your challenge. You..

KW: Oh but I said repetition, that is the subject of the challenge!

NP: Of what? Repetition of what?

KW: What Iíve already established!

NP: Either, you can only be had for repetition for a word.

KW: I canít be had for anything!

NP: What has she been...

KW: Let her go on then!

NP: No what words has she been repetitious of?

KW: I forget now, dear!

NP: If youíd said repetition of scrupulous, I would have given it to you but as you havenít, I have to give it back to Andree Melly and say there are five seconds Andree for scruples starting now.

AM: This word is spelt S-C-R-U-P-L-E-S!

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Andree Melly was speaking at the end of that round she gains an extra point. And Iím delighted that weíve heard her voice so much because sheís got back with her scruples into the game again against the cut and thrust of these three abominable players. Let us continue with Derek Nimmo talking on girdles.

DN: What?

NP: Girdles is the subject Derek, can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I have an unusually long silken girdle with tassels at both ends. This I wear round my dressing gown. it can also be used in the American sense as a piece of elastic. Iím here to reveal to the audience assembled both at home and in the studio that at least one member of the male team is at this moment wearing an elastic girdle to keep in his bulging er abdomen...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed and we will never know whoís bulging abdomen... Derek Nimmo thinks is girdled. Kenneth has no scruples about it, heís stood up and shown it to the audience! Iíd better stand up as well! No-one else is standing so weíll continue. Andree you have a point, 30 seconds for girdles starting now.

AM: Theyíre usually flesh coloured. They can be white and theyíre inclined to wrinkle, but theyíre not supposed to. They have small suspenders attached to the bottom of them, usually for...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, mine hasnít!

NP: Now we know! Whether yours has or not, itís very kind of you to own up. But it was not deviating from the subject so Andree takes another point and there are 19 seconds left starting now.

AM: Some of these garments donít have small suspenders on the bottom...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of suspenders.

NP: Yes indeed there was Derek, so you take over the subject, 15 seconds left starting now.

DN: Of course I awfully like girdlecakes, theyíre terribly nice. You put them in front of the fire on a girdle...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: He mentions these girdlecakes, theyíre griddlecakes!

DN: No, girdlecakes.

NP: Girdlecakes or griddlecakes, it depends on the phraseology so Derek Nimmo has another point....

KW: Ohhh!

NP: ... and there are 10 seconds left for girdles starting now.

DN: I think itís particularly unpleasant when bald-headed men with beards wear these objects. Because I do think itís an absolute disgrace when they keep in their middle-aged paunch with a little elasticated garment while I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, I donít! Heís gone too far!

NP: The wisdom of Solomon! The awful thing is, you see, according to this, the, the show he was not deviating from the subject. But we all knew he was getting at Clement Freud! Were you getting at Clement Freud then?

DN: Of course I wasnít, I wouldnít dream of it!

NP: Absolutely you wouldnít dream of it, so I wonít give any points away because someone felt intimidated. And there are no points awarded on that. Derek continues on the subject of girdles, one second left starting now.

DN: Theyíre absolutely delicious!

WHISTLE

NP: So as Derek was speaking and gets another point when the whistle goes, he goes a little further into the lead at the end of that round. Andree Melly would you begin the next round, the subject is noodles. Sixty seconds Andree starting now.

AM: These are a kind of Chinese spaghetti that are not really very nice when theyíre boiled and served with butter, but are very delicious when crispy and given to you with chicken chow mein or one of those things. They are made, I imagine, out of Chinese flour and water...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Derek. So there are 42 seconds left for noodles Derek starting now.

DN: There are lots of noodles in this world and I am one of them! I found this out at a very early age. It was pointed out to me by my great-aunt Beatrice who lives in Prestatton. She turned to me and said "Derek you are a noodle." I said "thank you very much, very kind of you to tell me." And ever since then Iíve remembered it, and I go through life with this great cross around my neck, with a noodle...

BUZZ

DN: What?

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You canít have a noodle cross around your neck!

NP: Clement Freud has a point and there are 20 seconds left for noodles Clement starting now.

CF: Noodle is to English gastronomy what spaghetti, Italigatelli, cannelloni and other members of the pasta family are in the Italian cuisine or cochino. And it is a most delectable grocery which you can buy at any good store or even supermarket. You boil it roughly for 12...

WHISTLE

KW: Great show-off!

NP: For those of you who donít know, youíll never find out how long to boil it. But anyway Clement Freud gets another point for speaking as the whistle went and heís now creeping up on Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, what an apt subject for this game, brevity. Can you talk on the subject though for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: No!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Well hesitation, he hesitated.

NP: A very generous hesitation I think, he really played the game for the sake of the game. And Derek Nimmo, 59 seconds for the subject of brevity starting now.

DN: No!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Oh I do love it when theyíre sporting and throw it back to each other like that! Fifty-eight seconds for brevity Clement starting now.

CF: Brevity is the quality of being brief, which many people have but I do not possess. In fact when I am asked to keep to the point, to go on and to confine myself to a limited period of time, I very often fail and go...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Because he always wins!

NP: Derek Nimmo, you happen to be winning at this particular time, so your challenge is not accurate. So Derek, Clement Freud gets another point and there are 43 seconds left for brevity Clement starting now.

CF: There is on the radio a game called Wait A Minute, no...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. Thirty, 32 seconds left for brevity Andree Melly starting now.

AM: This is something that if you want to succeed on this particular game, you have to have an extreme absence of. The Irish havenít very much of it. And I suppose that the nation which practices it the most is er the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. I think she was pleased to be helped out. There are 17 seconds for brevity Derek starting now.

DN: I... think... to... be....

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes. There are 14 seconds for brevity Clement starting now.

CF: At school one used to get exercises in bre er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes. These two are battling it out ding-dong! Ten seconds, brevity Derek starting now.

DN: I always think great brevity should be treated with the utmost severity. That is a little rhyme that I have made up on the subject of brevity and I hope you enjoyed it. I...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo said a little while ago that Clement Freud always wins. He does win I think most of all, but in this particular stage of this game Derek Nimmo has what I would call a commanding lead. Kenneth will you begin the next round. The subject is absolutely so apt for you, nonchalance. Will you go in your inimitable way on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This is the practice of being apparently unmoved by any kind of adversity, you see. And always having oneís composure...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: He sort of put his tongue out at me, really. I donít know...

KW: I said you see...

DN: I know your you sees!

NP: Why did you challenge then Derek?

DN: Well I was rather shocked! A little upset.

NP: Well as you cannot...

KW: The day he shot the King I had no horses, I can tell you!

NP: As you cannot, you cannot get a point for being shocked Kenneth gets a point and there are 45 seconds for you to continue in your nonchalant way on nonchalance starting now.

KW: Indeed Maudie Fittleworth, better known of course by her subtitle Fun With A Frankfurter was one of the greatest exponents of nonchalance in the business (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

KW: No, no, there was no hesitation, you fool! I was all right!

NP: You werenít all right!

KW: I was!

NP: Maudie Frankfurter or what...

KW: Maudie Fittleworth, Fun With A Frankfurter, was well-known!

NP: Yes. And she set you going then, didnít she!

KW: I wasnít hesitating!

NP: You, you...

KW: I never hesitated!

CF: Not for a moment!

NP: Not for a moment!

CF: Absolutely right!

NP: You continue with your subject of nonchalance Kenneth, 30 seconds starting now.

KW: Well she was in dead trouble with the Board of Trade, because they said the skins were really for export, you see. But she remained...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, what has this got to do with nonchalance?

NP: I can think of nothing more nonchalant than Maudie Fittleworth going up to the Board of Trade with her frankfurter. Itís the most nonchalant thing Iíve ever heard in all my life! Kenneth you get another point and continue with 24 seconds left starting now.

KW: And she never once in the face of any disaster revealed any feelings of apprehension! Oh no! When it come to mulling the claret, in she stuck the poker and up the fumes would evaporate! People were going "oh" and giving...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation, I think it was one of the... while he may not have been on the subject he gave one of the finest displays of nonchalance Iíve ever seen in all my life! But Clement Freud gets another poi8nt and there are three and a half seconds left for nonchalance Clement starting now.

CF: One of the finest displays of nonchalance I have ever come across was in a garden..

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud gets the extra point for speaking at the end of that round. And may I give the final score because that is the end of the show. Kenneth Williams was just in fourth place, only just Kenneth....

KW: Ohhhh!

NP: ...behind Andree Melly who was in third place, a little way behind Clement Freud. And quite a way behind, this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! Iím afraid that is all we have time for. If anybody wants to have fun with a frankfurter, may I just say they should write to Maudie Littlehampton care of Kenneth Williams and they might get a nonchalant reply! We do hope youíve enjoyed this nonchalant game, good-bye from us all.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.