JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 November 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades way here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask these four clever exponents of the game to try and talk for just one minute on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. If one of the other three think he is guilty or she is guilty of doing this, they may challenge by pressing a buzzer which they have in their hand. If I agree with the challenge they will gain a point and take over the subject. If I disagree with the challenge whoever is speaking will gain a point and take over the subject to continue. That is the way we play and that is the way we score. And let us begin the show this week with Andree Melly. Andree the subject is admirable virtues. Can you talk about admirable virtues for 60 seconds starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: The virtue that I think is most admirable is moral courage. That is if you are a woman and invited to appear on Just A Minute and you have the guts to stand up to Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DEREK NIMMO: Sheís sitting down!

NP: She is sitting down so I will give you a bonus point for a witty challenge because I know that she was speaking metaphorically of standing up to somebody in a game. And therefore Andree you continue with the subject with 47 seconds left, admirable virtues starting now.

AM: And you dare to insist that you buzzed your buzzer before Clement Freud...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Repetition of buzzers.

NP: No she said...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: No, buzzed.

NP: ...buzzed your buzzer. There was a buzzed, the verb....

DN: Well I thought Iíd get in first.

NP: ...and a buzzer, the noun. So Andree gets a point because I disagree with the challenge and continues with the subject, with 43 seconds left, admirable virtues starting now.

AM: And Derek Nimmo challenges me very unfairly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of Derek Nimmo.

NP: No, she said Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams before, didnít you?

CF: I donít know.

AM: I donít know.

NP: You did, oh sheís honest. Thatís very good, give her a round of applause for honesty!

CROWD APPLAUDS

NP: There youíll see where the audienceís sympathies lie the next time thereís a tricky decision. Um, who had challenged by the way? Clement Freud, Clement you gain a point and there are 41 seconds left for admirable virtues starting now.

CF: Modesty compels me to admit that I have these. In particular I am...

BUZZ

NP: Absolutely dried himself up!

CF: I couldnít think of a single admirable virtue!

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes. Once he tried to think of his own admirable virtues he...

CF: I thought it summed up my admirabel virtues very well!

NP: Very very well!

CF: Why you should call it hesitation...

NP: Yes! All right so Andree you gain the subject back, I agree with your challenge and um you have another point and there are 32 seconds for admirable virtues starting now.

AM: Being a bit rude, I think this is really to be admired. This saves you going to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Admired.

NP: Admired, when she...

DN: Moral courage, the moral courage.

NP: Yes she did talk about the virtue that she admires most is moral courage right at the beginning. Youíre quite right Derek, well listened. You gain a point and you have 27 seconds for admirable virtues starting now.

DN: If I had a fault which I havenít, it would be modesty. But in fact I am extraordinarily virtuous. Do you know I get up every morning rising from my knees because Iíve been at prayer through the long night hours, wash my hands because cleanliness is next to godliness. And then I set off on my tasks through the day, patting small children on the head, talking to little dogs as they walk along the street, giving them the occasional bone, perhaps a biscuit, if they look hungry, taking pats home...

WHISTLE

NP: That touching and moving and surely totally incorrect description of yourself gained you not only one point for the subject but another bonus point because you were speaking when the whistle went Derek. And you now are the leader. Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin and I am delighted weíre going to hear from you...

KW: Yes! So am I! Iíve been waiting for hours!

NP: And I think Ian Messiter thought up a subject specially for you.

KW: Ohhhh!

NP: Itís sex appeal. Youíve gone a bit cold...

KW: No, Iím fine!

NP: Good, good, Iím sure you can go magnificently on this subject, just think about yourself Kenneth and talk for 60 seconds on sex appeal starting now.

KW: Well this is almost impossible to define, because it depends largely on your proclivities, what you find exciting in the way of sex. I think the best way is to define by example, ie., I have sex appeal. Friends have said to me after a long acquaintanceship "itís as much as I could do to keep my hands off you! Ooooohh youíre the one! You really get me throbbing!" And of course with my repeated performances both on the stage and off the stage, I have had...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged...

KW: Yes she would! She only plays for the score!

NP: What do you play for Kenneth?

KW: Oh I play to entertain! Iím not interested in scoring! No, I give all the points, I give them away! Iím not bothered!

NP: No! Well anyway Andree Melly challenged. Andree?

AM: It was repeated performances. So itís repetition.

NP: No!

KW: I repeated stage!

NP: He repeated the word stage but not the word performance.

AM: Repeated performances on and off the stage!

DN: Itís a sort of..

NP: Yes, but repeated performances is not being repetitious. The word stage was repetitious. You said repeated performances, he didnít repeat that word.

AM: It was repeated!

NP: Yes but that, thatís a phrase, itís not repeating the word which is how we, we, we, play the game...

AM: Oh all right!

NP: He repeated stage twice and that would be repetition. So Kenneth you have a point and you keep the subject and there are 20 seconds left for sex appeal starting now.

KW: Throughout the ages...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Heís not doing it for points, I am!

NP: And all that happens is youíve given a point to Kenneth Williams.

CF: Oh!

KW: So shut your great mouth! Go on!

NP: Kenneth keeps the subject and there are 18 seconds left for sex appeal starting now.

KW: Many people have associated this with the hirsute and theyíve said if youíre hairy, youíve got it! People will run after you. And the same thing does of course apply with Samson and Delilah. Coz she is reputed to have cut it off with the idea...

WHISTLE

NP: Well youíre talking about Samson there! What a strength there! You started with the subject and you finished with the subject. That was strength, it was sex appeal, it was panache, it was success. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is staying happy. Can you tell us about staying happy in just 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well of course that was the part I first played when I was in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. And ever since then Iíve wanted to perform in exactly the same role. Because staying Happy seems to me to be the most pleasant part in that particular show. If we were going to cast it here this afternoon for instance, of course, the lovely lady here on my right would play the lady who was named after the snow flake...

BUZZ

DN: What?

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged.

KW: The lovely lady on my right would play the lady, two ladies.

NP: Yes there were two ladies, youíre quite right Kenneth, yes well done. So I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and there are 40 seconds for staying happy Kenneth starting now.

KW: The only way anyone can stay happy is of course to commit abnegation apropos self. This has long been realised to be the cure...

DN LAUGHS

KW: Whatís the matter? Why are you all looking at me?

BUZZ

KW: Why are you all looking at me? I canít go on!

NP: Iíll tell you why weíre all looking. Because of your wonderful phrase that abnegation apropose self!

KW: I donít see anything funny about that!

NP: I donít think any literary crank would have written such a phrase in a book and you spoke it with great style....

KW: Well youíve got to keep going havenít you? I think...

NP: Utterly unfair! It was utterly unfair! It was well done!

KW: You are rotten!

NP: And we loved it! And youíre going to keep going, Iím going to ignore the challenge, I donít know what it was and you have 27 seconds to continue with staying happy Kenneth starting now.

KW: Unhappiness is, most of the time, borne of selfishness and regard for oneís own person! We should be continually thinking of others! How can I submerge my own trouble in the problem of... some other person...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Repetition of person.

NP: Yes there was, there was a hell of a hesitation as well! So anyway well tried, they enjoyed the little homily, Iím sure! So Derek got you that time, I agree with the challenge. Derek you gain a point, you take over the subject, staying happy, four seconds left starting now.

DN: (very fast) Mushrooming makes me more happy than anything else in the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well itís completely undecipherable.

NP: I know. What was it, mushrooms?

DN: Mushrooming makes me more, I was going...

NP: I was absolutely right, it was mushrooms.

DN: Yes.

KW: Well I couldnít understand a word of it.

NP: So why, so why did you challenge? Kenneth why did you challenge?

KW: Oh deviation.

NP: Because you couldnít understand?

KW: Yes.

NP: Iím afraid you canít do that. You canít do that. Derek has a point and there are two seconds left for staying happy starting now.

DN: When one goes out on the golf links to pick up...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek was speaking, but only just then, when the whistle went and heís now crept into the lead at the end of that round. And Andree your turn to begin. Witchcraft, can you talk to us about witchcraft for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: If you are a witch and you want something nasty to happen to people, you have to think up a little rhyme like

May Ken and Clem refuse to speak,
And Nicholas Parsons fall asleep,
And Derek... Nimmo...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes but oh, it was so lovely! Wasnít it. How did it go on, did you have it all worked out or not?

AM: Derekís stammer be infinite
And then Iíll win this Just A Minute!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh!

DN: Marvelous!

NP: You she, she paused only because she was building to something. But anyway it was a legitimate challenge and you gain a point, 31 seconds left Derek Nimmo for witchcraft starting now.

DN: If youíre indulging in witchcraft, you should form yourself rapidly into a coven. That means 13 people, 12 of whom are the group, the main body of the... assembly...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly youíve challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree, you get the subject back and you have a point of course, 21 seconds for witchcraft Andree starting now.

AM: Vampires are a very important part of this particular subject. I was once a Bride of Dracula, so I know quite a lot about it. You have to have a pair of fangs which are fitted on to your eye-teeth, a coffin, youíre particularly frightened of the cross...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

KW: Of er the cross, no it was definitely there.

CRIES OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím going to... audience do you think she hesitated?

DN: No!

CRIES OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh itís no good asking them! Look at them! They can hardly speak!

NP: Well, when there is doubt...

KW: Look at them all! That woman in the back row just fell over! Thereís sawdust falling out of one of Ďem up there! The BBC just put these dummies in, they prop Ďem up in the back row!

NP: No I disagree, Andree has another point and there are four seconds left for witchcraft Andree starting now.

AM: If holy waterís thrown in your face, your whole visage disintegrates into..

WHISTLE

NP: Well Andree Melly was speaking then when the whistle went, so she gains an extra point and sheís creeping up a little. Clement will you begin the next round please. Filibustering, can you talk to us about filibustering in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Filibustering is a political manoeuver whereby one man talks for so long that having read the small print and being unable to be uninterrupted, he has the floor and speaks until such time as the clothes of whatever he is (mumbles) to...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, so he was trying to filibuster there but unsuccessfully. So Andree gains a point and takes over the subject with 42 seconds left starting now.

AM: This is something I believe, senators of the south.. oh...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams got in first.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Kenneth, you gain a point and take over the subject of filibustering, 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: One of the most famous occasions was in the 19th century in our own House of Commons when the Prime Minister who was called... Disraeli...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a slight hesitation, he was searching for his name...

KW: I wasnít searching for his name! What are you talking about? That was about what he said! Overcome by the exuberance of his own verbosity, thatís what Disraeli said. I knew exactly what I was going to say! You canít call that hesitation! She said an er and you didnít even allow it! And you allow this when she just says I hesitated! Iíve hardly got a word in on this programme anyway! Iíve hardly spoken! The first five minutes I wasnít even on!

NP: Iím so upset now Kenneth, I donít know what to do! You, youíve struck... Iíll ask the audience, he, he, heís had such an effect on me Iím going to let you be the judge. I must say that I definitely thought there was a hesitation there and I must say....

CRIES OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I want it all together because I definitely think there was a hesitation. But you be the final judges. If you think there was a hesitation, will you cheer, if you donít think there was a hesitation will you boo. And will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You donít think there was a hesitation, the boos came through the tears that he created in your mind... Kenneth theyíre on your side, you have another point and you have 24 seconds left for filibustering starting now.

KW: One is reminded of that great Liberal statesman, Gladstone, when he said "I care as much for the spiritual welfare of the people on the slopes..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well he wasnít filibustering. Heís just making a speech.

NP: Ah but you might...

DN: Filibustering is to talk unnecessarily and prolong your speech...

NP: Yes but, yes but I donít think you...

KW: He was never interrupted during it!

NP: Yes but I donít think...

DN: But I interrupted!

NP: There was probably some political people of the time that said that when Gladstone was speaking that particular speech he was what we now call filibustering. Have I made my point?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth Williams has a point and he has 13 seconds to continue with filibustering starting now.

KW: The thing to do is to make a point and then...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of point.

NP: Yes he has said point before. Derek Nimmo gains it and he has four seconds to continue with filibustering starting now.

DN: From the French word filibuster which means...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: It isnít. Deviation.

DN: It is.

KW: Deviation.

DN: Itís a French word meaning freebooter, a boat that was sent out to fight as a freelancer against er other countries...

CF: No!

NP: Extremely interesting Derek, you have another point and two seconds to continue with filibustering starting now.

DN: One of the most famous filibusters...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo has a very definite lead over everybody else. Kenneth Williams, will you begin the next round, in fact itís your turn to begin and the subject is Nell Gwynne. Can you tell us something about that lovely lady in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well when the dreadful thing of regicide occurred and we had the great rebellion, the King came back and of course was called...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, because if thereíd been regicide, he couldnít have come back! He was dead!

KW: I said we had the dreadful regicide and then...

DN: And then the King came back!

KW: ... we had the great rebellion! Then the great rebellion!

NP: He was talking about regicide...

CF: The King is dead, long live the King! I mean...

NP: And then the King came back. No, I disagree with the challenge, Kenneth has a point and there are 50 seconds left for Nell Gwynne, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: Charles the Second, who was married to Catherine of Agranza didnít seem to have seen very much of her. And she lived apart from the court. He took this mistress who was called Nell Gwynne and sometimes sweet Nell of Old Drury. Comical actress and she sold oranges. Anyway she did bear them these two children. What Catherine of Agranza thought of all this, nobody seems to know...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes...

KW: No, but sheís on the card!

NP: No! Catherine of Agranzaís not on the card! Catherine of Agranzaís not on the card!

KW: She was on the cards for him! It was on the cards that sheíd...

LOUD APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: If youíd said that as a challenge, Iíd have given you a point for wit. But all that happens is that Clement Freud gets a point and he takes over the subject of Nell Gwynne with 23 seconds left starting now.

CF: One now thinks rather lovingly about characters like Nell Gwynne...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because deviation, we donít think lovingly about Nell Gwynne at all!

NP: Why not?

KW: Rubbish!

NP: Why not Kenneth?

KW: Itís all rubbish!

CF: Itís all true!

NP: Why shouldnít you think lovingly...

KW: Because she was a dirty person! If you sleep with people, other menís wives...

CF: Yes! Yes!

KW: Itís a disgrace! Thoroughly immoral and disgraceful! Such as nothing pleasured, nothing reigned! Such as... well would disgrace any country! Wouldnít it!

NP: Yes but even, even people who... Stop being so pompous in your decisions, your opinions. But even some persons you think are rather immoral or you disapprove of, often in retrospect you look back rather lovingly you know. And I therefore disagree with what you said and agree with um the fact that Clement Freud has a point, he was speaking then, and he continues with Nell Gwynne and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

CF: And yet if you think about life in the 17th century with no personal hygiene, with no...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, life in the 17th century and no personal hygiene is nothing to do with the subject which is Nell Gwynne.

NP: Well after what you just said I would say it had an awful lot to do with it!

KW: Having kids by other peopleís husbands is nothing to do with personal hygiene!

NP: You used the words...

KW: Itís been known..

CF: Youíd never have kids if you...

KW: Why donít you shut up? Heís the chairman!

NP: Kenneth why donít you shut up, Iím the chairman! No I think after what you said, personal hygiene does come into it. You admitted it, you used right the words, you said about being a dirty person, it was your very first remark.

KW: I meant immoral dear! Not filthy person.

NP: All right you used the word dirty. Therefore I disagree with your challenge, Clement Freud has another point and there are 12 seconds left for Nell Gwynne, Clement, starting now.

CF: Nell Gwynne, in a nutshell, was dirty....

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well I mean itís deviation, she could never have been inside a nutshell! Far less get dirty from it!

NP: All right, he gets, this time he gets the bonus point for wit. But Clement Freud keeps the subject as he wasnít actually deviating from the subject on the card, and he continues with nine seconds left for Nell Gwynne starting now.

CF: She was even improper outside such an encasement. She would not have brushed her teeth, seldom have changed her underwear...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím glad those two on that side of the stage got off Nell Gwynne before we got really into rather embarrassing waters. Well at the end of that round Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went so he gains an extra point. Itís very interesting now because Clement, Kenneth has crept up dramatically. Heís in, in third place behind the joint leaders at the present moment...

KW: Third place? Big deal!

NP: Right, Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, coup de gras. Can you talk about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: (in Liverpool accent) Well I was standing in Sefton Park in Liverpool you see, and this feller came up to me, and he said "what are you standing there for?" And I said "as a matter of fact I donít know really". And he said "why I canít see your head at all because all the stuffís growing up around you, why donít you cut the grass?" And I said... (normal voice) But actually if you go to a bullring in Spain when the matador delivers his final blow, he has a special sword which is so constructed with a little hook over the top of it. And as he pulls it into the bullís neck, it severs the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of bull.

NP: Yes that is perfectly right, Iím glad you challenged before we got any further into the bullís neck, it was um... ah so Clement I agree with your challenge, you take over the subject, there are 34 seconds left for coup de gras starting now.

CF: This was delivered on the premises of Mrs Hebblewhite, landlady of 82 Blackpool Road, Morecambe Bay, Lancashire, by a villainous tenant who set fire to a mattress in the basement. As a result the fire engines were called out...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Two mentions of fire.

NP: Well he said...

KW: Fire first time...

NP: He said fire and fire engine.

DN: Well I said bull and bullrings and I mean...

KW: Same thing! Same thing!

NP: No, a fire engine is...

KW: So is bull and bullring!

NP: Thatís right! I thought fire engines was a hyphenated word, youíre quite right. Theyíre two fires isnít it because itís two words. Therefore I agree Kenneth, you gain a point and there are 16 seconds left Kenneth for a coup de gras starting now.

KW: Well roughly speaking of course, it means the final...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged. Why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Roughly speaking.

NP: Yes...

CF: Weíre trying to keep to a subject.

NP: Yes but he can speak roughly, without deviating from the subject. And he can keep going...

KW: Youíre a very good chairman! Youíre a very good chairman! Very nice!

NP: Iím always good when Iím giving the points...

KW: No, I wouldnít want your job, I really wouldnít! I would find it difficult! I would find it difficult!

NP: Anyway Kenneth you have another point and you have 14 seconds left for a coup de gras starting now.

KW: The blow so to speak which settles the entire controversy and results in the adversary being ...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Bad word.

NP: Adversy?

CF: Mmmm.

KW: Adversary I said.

NP: Yes well it sounded slightly different, we knew what you were saying and you were keeping going under very difficult circumstances...

KW: Thank you, thank you, youíre a very good chairman!

NP: I know! You know there arenít many seconds left, you know itís very neck and neck. So you have another point with three seconds left Kenneth for a coup de gras starting now.

KW: And if you can so encapsulate your point...

WHISTLE

NP: Well...

KW: Am I in the lead? Am I in the lead now?

NP: Let me tell them something because that is the end of the show, I got the note here which says wind (pronounced as in breeze) up at the end of this subject.

KW: No thatís pronounced wind.

NP: I know. I thought Iíd make a little joke.

KW: Hahahahahahaha.

NP: So Iím going to wind up now and tell you that that is all we have time for and what, as Kenneth encapsulated his final point, he gave a very dramatic and sudden twist to the game. He was trailing in fourth place really all the way along. But now alas in fourth place is Andree Melly, and in third place is Derek Nimmo. And in first place, joint equals, Kenneth jumped into the lead alongside Clement Freud and those are our two winners this week, Kenneth and Clement!

KW: Oh whatho! What a happy day!

NP: And they both won by one encapsulated point only. That is all we have time for, we do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, and from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.