JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 November 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask these four clever exponents of the game to try and talk for just one minute on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject. If one of the other three think he is guilty or she is guilty of doing this, they may challenge by pressing a buzzer which they have in their hand. If I agree with the challenge they will gain a point and take over the subject. If I disagree with the challenge whoever is speaking will gain a point and keep the subject and continue. That is the way we play and thatís the way we score. And let us begin the show this week with Andree Melly. Andree the subject is avoiding income tax. Thatís got a reaction from the audience already! But can you talk to us about it Andree for 60 seconds starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: This is something that people who donít pay as you earn but are supposed to cough up after they have, are very good at doing. There are several ways. One is by appearing absolutely idiotic and moronic and writing to the Inland Ren... Revenue saying...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Er, hesitation Iím sorry.

NP: No you said...

CF: No I meant hesitation, I stumbled over the word. I meant hesitation.

NP: I...

AM: Hesitation, he stumbled over the word.

NP: I know, you stumbled over the word, and Andree has been away from us for a long time and so Iím going to be very tight with you Clement because you said repetition to that...

CF: Yes youíre quite right. Good decision!

NP: What a sporting player you are Clement! We love having you around! Iím going to disagree with the challenge because his first word was repetition and Andree gains a point and keeps the subject. There are 42 seconds left Andree for avoiding income tax starting now.

AM: You begin the letter by saying "Dear Commissioner, Iím terribly sorry I havenít yet paid, but I donít quite understand about those dependent relatives and other sources of income." And you could just...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Oh income is on... it was a repeat of income but I see itís on the...

NP: It is one of those...

CF: So she gets another point.

NP: Yes. You are allowed to repeat, I must warn...

CF: Yes of course, no...

NP: I know you know...

CF: Quite right!

NP: ...but they may be somebody listening who doesnít....

CF: You are absolutely right!

NP: I havenít said it yet! There might be somebody listening who doesnít know that you are allowed to repeat the subject on the card more than once. And so Clement Freud was a bit too keen with his buzzer then and so Andree Melly gets another point and continues for 32 seconds, avoiding income tax starting now.

AM: A very good ploy is to say that youíre very willing to pay but not going to do it just now. And you go on avoiding the fatal day if possible until after youíre dead. Then...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: It was very doubtful, I think she was taking a breath. I donít think she quite hesitated, she was very close to it. So I disagree with the challenge, Andree gets another point and there are 18 seconds left Andree for avoiding income tax starting now.

AM: When the requests get redder abd redder, a very good idea...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Well, redder and redder.

NP: Everybody challenged, your buzzer came on first. So redder and redder is repetition and there are 16 seconds left, Derek, a point to you, you take over avoiding income tax starting now.

DN: I used to go along and see my Commissioner in Lime Street in Liverpool with a great big paper bag full of er bus tickets and old...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation!

NP: Heís being too keen! He got in on something else and then he decided... I think he was actually anticipating the fact that Derek was going to say something else. No he didnít hesitate, Derek, er Clement, so Derek gets another point....

CATCALLS FROM THE CROWD

NP: No! He did not hesitate! And he keeps the subject...

CF: (laughs)

NP: ...with 10 seconds left, avoiding income tax Derek starting now.

DN: I always put down on my income tax form that I have seven wives, 48 children...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Repetition of marriage!

NP: Oh very clever! All right, give her a...

APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD

NP: The audience obviously agree that you should have a point there for a clever er challenge but heís not strictly speaking deviating from the subject on the card...

AM: Repetition I said.

NP: No, itís too late now, you canít... no, you got a point for being clever but the subject stays with Derek, um, with four seconds left, avoiding income tax, starting now.

DN: If you set up a company in the Cayan Islands, you will find this most advantageous...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: The Cayan Islands.

NP: Why?

CF: He must mean the Cayman Islands and it was deviation from the norm of the word. There are no Cayan Islands.

NP: Thatís right.

CF: Itís the Cayman Islands.

NP: Itís the Cayman Islands, youíre quite right. Well done Clement. So you gain a point for that with two seconds left Clement, avoiding income tax starting now.

CF: Ideally you do this by not working.

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud achieved then very cleverly what he often endeavours to do, and that is to get in just before the whistle goes. The whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. So um Clement at the end of that round Andree Melly has a commanding lead of two over everybody else. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, things that come through the post. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Now if ever this should happen to you, I want you to write immediately to the Postmaster-General. Becaise it is absolutely illegal to send things through the post. Especially when they come! This is entirely against the public interest, it is disgusting, itís wrong! And if you do...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Heís stating itís illegal. Deviation, he said itís illegal to send things through the post, of course itís not.

NP: Itís not illegal to send things through the post in the way he was putting it. It is not illegal, therefore it is devious Clement. So Kenneth gains a point and he takes over the subject. What you were describing is not illegal. Therefore um Kenneth, I donít think itís possible, itís certainly not illegal. There are 37 seconds Kenneth for you, things that come through the post starting now.

KW: Well of course books are one of the things that come through my letterbox. And I greatly welcome them because I am an avid reader. And I will say to the postman "oh thank you for bringing this brief chronicle. Because Iím deeply grateful, trudging as you do through the early morning mist and cold. Sometimes wet and yet unfailingly, 8.15, rat-tat and through the box it comes..."

WHISTLE

NP: I must say you had us all on tenterhooks then. Any minute I thought you were going to dry, especially when you got to a rat-tat. Heís the only person who gets a rat-tat on his door because he pays this game, everybody else gets a rat-a-tat-tat! Anyway well done Kenneth, you kept going and you gain a point for speaking when the whistle went...

KW: Thank you, thank you!

NP: ..and you are now equal in second place..

KW: Good!

NP: ..alongside Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo but youíre all three behind our lady who is still in the lead Andree Melly.

KW: Disgraceful!

NP: Disgraceful? Itís brilliant, it is not disgraaceful.

KW: Nah, she got it by a twist!

NP: Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin...

KW: Thank goodness!

NP: The subject is Saturday night. Can you talk to us about Saturday night for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: It is generally associated in this country with a sort of free-for-all, doubtless because the working week has ended and people throw off restraint. Saturday is derived from day of Saturn. And night, I need not interpret for you. And it is significant that Saturnalia is the feast of unbridled pleasure, where you really let your hair down, and throw your bonnet, so to speak, over the windmill. This seems very prevalent, Iíve noticed, around Piccadilly, on the afore-mentioned...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, thereís no windmill in Piccadilly!

NP: Yes! I think youíve quite well established throw your bonnet over the windmill and then you went on to Piccadilly. So Derek you gain a point and the subject and there are 11 seconds left for Saturday night... oh no, wait a minute! You said so to speak over the windmill, so you didnít establish it was the specific windmill...

KW: The reality of the windmill, exactly!

NP: Not a reality of a windmill.

KW: No! No!

NP: No, so therefore we disagree with the challenge and Kenneth gets another point and he keeps...

KW: Oh thatís nice! Innit though! Very good chairman!

NP: Twelve seconds left for Saturday night Kenneth starting now.

KW: Sometimes itís been called the loneliest night of the week. And that has been, on one or two occasions, my own experience! (in tears) I have sat alone...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth was speaking then when the whistle went so he gains yet another point...

KW: Iíve gone into the lead?

NP: Heís into the lead...

KW: In the lead?

NP: ..equal with Andree Melly.

KW: Oh! Her again! Yes!

NP: Derek Nimmo you once had cramp in the middle of the programme, you once had pins and needles in the middle of a programme. And this time Ian Messiterís chosen pins and needles for you. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Of course pins and needles are very sharp objects, both of them really. I think particularly pins are very amusing bits of wire which you can poke into an adjacent bottom if you happen to see one coming by. And I do find that rather a laugh, you know really. Needles can be similarly placed if you feel like it. And one thing I saw once on a train coming down from the Outer Hebrides was a man...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Thereís no train service to the Outer Hebrides!

NP: I think on this occasion Derek youíd quite firmly established the train was coming down from the Outer Hebrides. So I agree that is deviation, Clement Freud has a point and there are 37 seconds for pins and needles, Clement, starting now.

CF: This is a strange muscular sensation which you get from time to occasion, when the entire leg, arm or other limb is pulsating with extraordinary painful feeling, causing you as often as not to jump up and down, to leap sideways and thence, to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. He was doing so well, I think there was almost, deserved a bonus that time, on occasion. Anyway um Kenneth you gain a point and you take over the subject with eight seconds left for pins and needles starting now.

KW: One of the favourite pastimes of a person I knew was to poke this material through...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Kenneth Williams was speaking then when the whistle went, he gains yet another point and he increases his lead to three over everybody else at the end of that round.

KW: Oh! Isnít it good though!

NP: Andree Melly your turn to begin, the subject is books I read twice. Can you talk to us about those books Andree for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Appily Dappily and Other Nursery Rhymes. Baa Baa and Father Christmas...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of Baa.

NP: Yes, you shouldnít have chosen that one! That is unfortunately repetition because it was um unfortunately so near the beginning. Derek you have a point and you have 54 seconds for books I read twice starting now.

DN: AP Jones-Smithís History of...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation before the Jones.

NP: Yes I think there was a hesittaion, yes. It was just, it was borderline but it was just. Fifty-one seconds left for you Andree to take back books I read twice starting now.

AM: Peter Rabbit, and Two Bad Mice. These are the kinds of books I have to read...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Two bad mice, repetition!

NP: Yes but she wasnít deviating from books I read twice. Two, two bad mice might sound repetitious but all that happens is that Andree gets another point because she wasnít strictly speaking deviating from the subject. And therefore there are 47 seconds to continue Andree starting now.

AM: Because my daughter who is about two and a half likes to hear a book several times read by me. I am particularly fond of Appily Dappily which is the shortest...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in first.

CF: Weíve had an Appily Dappily.

NP: Yes we had Appily Dappily before unfortunately. So Clement I agree...

DN: She was reading it twice!

NP: Whatís that?

DN: I said she was reading it twice!

NP: Yes but sheís not allowed to say it twice in this programme. Therefore Clement you gain a point, you take over the subject with six, 36 seconds left, books I read twice starting now.

CF: Iím not particularly repetitious and there are therefore few books books I I have have read read twice twice...

BUZZ

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well within the rules repetition.

CF: Itís the (taps the desk)...

NP: Itís what? Justify it, go on, try if you can. Justify it.

CF: Itís the subject on the card.

NP: The subject on the card is books I read twice.

CF: Yes!

NP: Go on, justify it.

CF: Theyíre the only words I repeated were the words on the card.

NP: Books I read twice...

KW: Oh itís brilliant!

NP: Oh!

DN: Have he said.

KW: Brilliant!

NP: Whatís that Derek?

DN: He did say have as well.

NP: He said books books I I read read twice twice.

DN: I have have read....

NP: Oh! Yes he did, Iím sorry Clement.

CF: You canít give it for have, you just said you canít give it for and.

DN: But have isnít on the card.

NP: You said have have twice.

CF: Yes.

NP: Yes well, that is repetition, itís not on the card.

CF: You just said you donít give it for little words..

NP: Iíll tell you what I will do. No... Iíll tell you what I will do. I think it was such a clever try that rather than give a point either against you or for you for your cleverness I think weíll score no points. I think thatís the fairest thing, donít you agree, audience?

DN: Yes.

NP: Very fair because it was a very clever piece of... we love to hear new thoughts coming into the programme. So Clement you continue with the subject, there are 37 seconds left for books I read twice starting now.

CF: Rereading Oliver Twist I did find it an extraordinarily objectionable...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. Why?

DN: Well I thought a pause but Iím sure that Iím on a losing wicket.

NP: Youíre not actually. There was a very doubtful hesitation that I gave against you and this was a borderline case which I consider was just, only just hesitation. So Derek you gain a point and there are 20 seconds left for books I read twice starting now.

DN: The book that I read twice most recently was AP Fitzherbertís wonderful account of Railways in the Outer Hebrides. This was a book that gave enormous...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged. (laughs)

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why Clement?

CF: The book does not exist nor do the railway!

NP: Well I can only assume as the railways donít exist, the book cannot exist! So therefore I must...

CF: Unless it was written by AP Jones-Smith earlier on.

DN: We didnít get as far as that! That was going to be the...

NP: I know what was going on in Derekís mind, I must explain because one gets to know then fairly well. He was so needled about this decision that went against him, that he was not allowed to take his train to the Outer Hebrides he had to get back on the subject! And for...

DN: There were! There were trains in the Outer Hebrides. They were...

NP: Yes but there wasnít a book by AP Jones on the Outer Hebrides.

DN: Prove it!

NP: What?

DN: Prove it!

NP: Fortunately Iím not obliged to prove it and secondly I havenít got the time. Iím going to stick my neck out and give a point to Clement Freud and say there are 12 seconds left for books I read twice Clement starting now.

CF: Martin Chuzzlewit in bed, when I took up the volume...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: A sort of hesitation when he took it up.

NP: There was a sort of hesitation when he took it up but...

KW: You canít keep challenging on this sort of hesitation! Either somebody hesitates or they donít! I mean, what are we doing? A sort of hesitation?

NP: Well...

KW: Or a slight hesitation? Well are we having hesitation as a rule or not?

NP: Sheís having hesitation but she was modestly suggesting it was a borderline case and I quite agree. And Iím not going to be the final judge Iím going to ask the audience to judge. Do you think that Clement Freud was hesitating? If you do will you cheer and if you donít will you boo, and will you all do it together now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Boo? You donít think he was hesitating. So Clement Freud gains a point and there are seven seconds left for books I read twice starting now.

CF: Dickens reacquainted comes out of it extraordinarily well. Everything that he put into paper too is somehow...

WHISTLE

NP: I must say that it is difficult sometimes. Because you see, if you think itís hesitation and you donít challenge, it might be a long hesitation and someone else will press their buzzer first. Itís very difficult when theyíre challenging. But Clement Freud gains another point for speaking when the whistle went and heís now, has a lead of one over Kenneth Williams whoís in second place at the end of that round. Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject is cigarettes. Iím sure you can talk eloquently about them, 60 seconds will do starting now.

CF: These would appear to be tobacco rolled in bits of paper, now and then sporting filters at one end. The idea of the game I have heard, I donít indulge myself, is to place the filter end in your mouth...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of filter.

NP: Yes we had filter twice Derek, er Clement. So Derek you gain a point, there are 43 seconds left for cigarettes starting now.

DN: Itís absolutely filthy. I really loathe them more than I can possibly say on this programme but I will have a jolly good go. I once tried once behind the bicycle sheds at school and loathed it more than anyone has in been foo...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

DN: ...coming round the mountain when she comes singing aye yi ippy yippy... what?

NP: Andree challenged you when you were on your bicycle in the tool shed!

AM: Because he... more than, more than.

NP: He hesitated!

AM: No he repeated.

NP: He repeated, more than, more than.

AM: He definitely repeated more than, more than.

NP: He also hesitated too but it was the more than, youíre quite right Andree. You gain a point and there are 32 seconds left for cigarettes starting now.

AM: These can be bought in packets of 10 and sometimes 20 and seem to cost more money every day...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No I disagree, it was too slight. Derek um Andree you gain another point and there are 36 seconds left for cigarettes starting now.

AM: You light one end and ... suck...

BUZZ

NP: That time it was! Kenneth Williams youíve challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Kenneth you gain a point, there are 24 seconds left for cigarettes starting now.

KW: This is an actual fact. The famous Austrian novelist Merceil said "life is so terrible, the only thing to do is to smoke." Now I consider that almost a despairing cry from the heart. To have a tinge of great truth therein. And I feel sympathetically...

WHISTLE

NP: You quite distressed us with your little homily on er...

KW: On Merceil.

NP: On Merceil, yes, thank you.

KW: Rather beautiful that.

NP: But it has gained you two points...

KW: Oh good!

NP: And you now have a lead of one over Clement Freud at the end of that round.

KW: Good! Oh right! Yes!

NP: But Andree Melly crept up too...

KW: Oh her again!

NP: And sheís in second place...

KW: Iíve got into first place!

NP: ...alongside Clement Freud. And Derek Nimmoís trailing a little in, well heíll be third place because theyíre equal in second place. Very interesting, I think weíre all non-smokers on this programme, arenít we? There we are! But nobody went off about it! Kenneth Williams, Ptolemy the First. Can you talk about him for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well of course after the death of Alexander the Great, the Generalís under him had a sort of carve up, so to speak, of the territory that was left. And he grabbed Egypt. Founded what I believe was known as the Thirty-first Dynasty of that ancient country. Indeed Cleopatra the famous married one of his ancestors...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged you, why?

DN: Well he was, he was supposed to be talking about the first King of that name, he the started talking about Cleopatra who, who founded a different dynasty.

NP: Yes she did, but he was not deviating from the subject on the card because he was still keeping close to Ptolemy the First. So he was not deviating from the subject, therefore I disagree with the challenge, Kenneth gains a point and there are 32 seconds left starting now.

KW: And to his credit it must be said that he built the vast temple of the Muses in Alexandria, wherein was housed the wonderful library which of course could have been said in its time to have rivalled the Bodlean, though of course, I doubt very much... Iíve said it before...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged, why?

AM: Kenneth said he said of course twice.

NP: Yes, youíve got to keep going...

KW: I know! Iím too clever for myself, thatís the trouble!

NP: Andree Melly you gain a point and the subject, Ptolemy the First, nine seconds left starting now.

AM: He was about 18 inches long with a green tail...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Because he wasnít!

CF: He wasnít.

NP: She donít know, she might have known a Ptolemy the First who was 18 inches long with a green tail. You can call anybody Ptolemy The First if you want to, couldnít you. We donít know, you were too keen. Andree has another point and there are five seconds, six seconds left for Ptolemy the First, Andree, starting now.

AM: A lizard by that name who belonged to my older brother George, who got pneumonia in Liverpool and we couldnít light a fire...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round weíve had a change! Andree Melly has leapt into the lead one ahead of Kenneth who is just ahead of Clement who is just ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Derek it is your turn to begin, ham rolls. Can you talk to us about those for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well anyone whoís lived anywhere nearby that wonderful house in Richmond will know how wonderful the Ham Rolls is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Wonderful did occur twice.

NP: Yes wonderful did occur twice.

KW: Iím afraid!

NP: So that is repetition, Kenneth gains a point and there are 53 seconds left for ham rolls starting now.

KW: Theyíre pieces of bread. You so separate, and they do provide a most refreshing repast. Some people actually add a little mustard to give it piquancy you see. And Iíve had Ďem very often during rehearsals, because I think the mixture of protein with starch does do you good. In theatre of course ham has always been taken to mean overacting. And roll, well, that is self-explanatory. So in the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged.

DN: Well deviation, it is not self-explanatory.

NP: Who can say whether a word is self-explanatory or not? I disagree with the challenge, Kenneth gains a point and there are one second left for ham rolls starting now.

KW: Put a pit of pickle inside it, and wrap it up...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím afraid we have to finish the programme at that particular moment because we have no more time left. Derek Nimmo was this week surprisingly in fourth place because he isnít very often. Andree Melly was in a very strong third place, only one point behind Clement Freud, who was only two points behind this weekís winner who is once again Kenneth Williams!

KW: Oh thank you! Oh what a happy day! Worthy, a worthy victory! Very worthy!

NP: Well we do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.