JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 November 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again it is my pleasure to try and adjudicate between these four clever battlers in this game of verbal wits. And once again I am going to ask them to try and speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. If one of the others thinks they are guilty of doing this, they may challenge. If I agree with the challenge they will gain a point and take over the subject. If I disagree with the challenge, whoever is speaking will gain a point and continue speaking on that subject. Thatís how we play and that is how we score. And this week let us begin the show with Clement Freud. Youíre all in the mood, I can see it from your face. A lovely subject to begin with Clement, wine. Can you talk to us about wine for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Wine is the fermented juice of grapes, red or white, usually given bottle age. And is also a cry of lament, about which more later. Many countries feel that they produce the best wine. In Austria for instance, thereís a song "ve..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: No, he wasnít hesitating, he was going very well on wine. So I disagree with the challenge, Clement Freud has a point and he has 41 seconds to continue with wine starting now.

CF: Nor do a line, doschel and stickel er Himmelburg. Translated means Vienna and the Austrian capital city repeated...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Well, Austrian repeated.

NP: No, he said Austria before and this was Austrian.

DN: Sorry.

NP: So er, but obviously youíve got to get in because thereís three other people trying. But as I disagree with the challenge, Clement Freud gains another point and he has 30 seconds to continue with his wine starting now.

CF: Woe is me and lackaday! What a dreadful thing to happen to such a nice feller, is the kind of whine which Iím less partial to which I am...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you have challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: Repetition, two whiches.

NP: Two whiches yes and we canít have that in this game. Andree Melly I agree with your challenge so you gain a point and you have 18 seconds to continue talking on wine starting now.

AM: This is something Iím always telling my three-year-old daughter not to do when she says "please Mummy can I have?" And I say "no, stop whining". Why do children always take on that type of voice? I donít know because the other reas... way people...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud your challenge came in first.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes I agree, so you gain a point and you take over the subject of wine again for three seconds starting now.

CF: In the vineyards of Alsace Lorraine, wine is named...

WHISTLE

NP: When the whistle goes, it tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was once more Clement Freud. So at the end of that round, heís got four points and Andree Melly has one. The others are yet to score. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round for us, getting a word in edgeways. Very apt considering you havenít achieved it yet in this particular show. So can you talk about that subject for 60 seconds Kenneth starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well this I take it to mean the difficulty of interjecting when the company is particularly volatile, fluid shall we say or perhaps loquacious. Now the way of going about this is to raise the volume or level of your speech and...

BUZZ

NP: And what? Clement Freud you buzzed.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. What were you going to say? Have you any idea?

KW: I was going to do the interjection!

NP: I donít think you would have got a word in edgeways...

KW: Iíd already said interject!

NP: Oh I see, you were trying to avoid a word. So I agree with Clement Freudís challenge so he gains a point. He has 35 seconds to take over the subject of getting a word in edgeways starting now.

CF: In order to get a word in edgeways you have to present people a solid front into which you may as it were lance your verbiage...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: I thought there was hesitation, I was wrong.

NP: Well, well done, I quite agree, it was wrong but you tried. But all that happens is that Clement gets another point, there are 25 seconds for getting a word in edgeways Clement starting now.

CF: Sideways, upwards and horizontally forwards are easier positions into which to brace... this...

BUZZ

NP: Yes you couldnít find another word in which to express the same thing, youíve done it twice with different words. Kenneth Williams, your challenge came first.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Kenneth. So you get a point and you take over the subject...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Iím just... sorry, my light didnít seem to be working, Iím just, just testing it.

NP: He was testing his buzzer. He is with is and no doubt youíll be hearing from him before the show gets much further on. Anyway 16 seconds left Kenneth, getting a word in edgeways starting now.

KW: Oneís best ploy is to attribute a remark to somebody famous like wasnít it Johnson who said "when a man sets a play to music, he is not under oath?" Immediately your adversary is quelled. He does not know if in fact...

WHISTLE

NP: That time Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went, so he gains another point and he now has two. Clement Freud has six, Andree Melly has one. Andree Melly your turn to begin, the subject love. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Itís a many splendid thing, makes the world go round, and has made songwriters an absolute fortune. There are many varieties, maternal, fraternal, exotic, erotic, neurotic...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of eternals.

NP: Yes! But Iím not going to allow it...

DN: Iím sure youíre not, youíre absolutely right!

NP: But itís a lovely thought...

DN: A lovely thought.

NP: Andree has another point and there are 43 seconds left for love Andree starting now.

AM: You can fall into it, head over heels, and as quickly out. Itís something which is very painful...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: Yes, hesitation.

NP: No there was no hesitation! There was not even a hint of hesitation!

KW: Fall in and er out! What was that?

DN: You two go very slowly on your side, weíre rather nippy over here! And you go like this (in Kenneth Williams voice) aaaaaallll the tiiiiime I waaaaaaalk arouuuuuund...

APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD

NP: Having had your attention drawn to that, I donít see how you can be so presumptuous to challenge Andree for that. No I disagree Kenneth, there wasnít a hesitation there...

KW: Now I know why he was haranguing the queue outside!

NP: Andree has another point and there are 37 seconds left for love Andree starting now.

AM: When youíre in love it appears you can get heart palpitations..

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, that time I agree. So Derek you take over the subject of love, 29 seconds left starting now.

DN: Of course thereís Christian love, as really I think the most interesting thing is the words written by Saint Paul to the people of Corinth some many years ago when he said "I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, and I have not love, Iíve got a sounding gong or a clanging symbol and they have...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Itís deviation from Corinthians Chapter 13, um...

AM: Letter Two!

NP: I donít believe it is.

DN: Itís chapter B actually....

NP: Whatís that?

DN: Itís B...

NP: I think youíve been going absolutely right, I think Clement Freud is trying it on, heís trying to bluff. He is determined he is not bluffing so I will let the audience be the judge about the Bible.

DN: Itís the New English Bible I am quoting from.

APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD

NP: I donít have to put it to the audience, theyíve already decided with their applause. Theyíve decided theyíre on Derek Nimmoís side with this. Derek Nimmoís side, Derek Nimmo has a point and theer are 14 seconds left for love Derek starting now.

DN: I may have the gift of prophecy and know every hidden truth and may have faith strong enough to move mountains...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: I may, I may.

DN: Oh we donít go on mays.

NP: Yeah we donít hold on mays.

KW: Well youíve done it on it before! Yes you have, you see! Youíre hoist with your own petard dear! I have warned you in the past! Once you set yourself and go in that direction...

NP: I am not going, I am not going to bring my petard into this. The point is...

KW: Youíre allowed to take your side...

NP: We have not allowed challenges on haves and mays and buts and ands. I am not going to allow it...

KW: You allowed it with one last week. He said one may, one this, one the other, and you said there were too many ones.

NP: Yes...

KW: If youíre going to have that, you can have that.

NP: There was more than two, there were two I mays. If he went on a third time, I would. I will score no points and leave the subject with Derek Nimmo and there are nine seconds left for love Derek starting now.

DN: I was walking across Piccadilly Circus one day and a fellow turned to me...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: The subject is love, not walking across...

NP: How do you know that you might not encounter love walking across Piccadilly Circus?

CF: Thatís, thatís sex!

LAUGHTER FROM THE CROWD

KW: Thatís sex, thatís disgusting! Donít clap him! Itís a disgrace! Theyíre all a load of partisans!

NP: Clement Freud said you might encounter sex walking across Piccadilly Circus, itís still possible to encounter love.

KW: Mmmmm!

NP: Pure love...

KW: Funny sort of life you two must lead!

NP: So he hasnít technically deviated from the subject on the card so Derek has another point, six seconds left for love starting now.

DN: And this gentleman turned to me and said (in Kenneth Williams voice) "hello love, how are you?" (normal voice) And do you know who it was? It was Kenneth Williams!

RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE

DN: And now every time I see him, I really want...

WHISTLE

NP: Well obviously Derek, the audience decided you earned that bonus point for speaking when the whistle went. And you now have, youíre in second place at the end of that round. Clement Freud is still leading and one point behind you are Kenneth and Andree equal. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, emergencies. Many of them happen on this programme. Can you tell us about emergencies on Just A Minute starting now.

KW: These situations occur and in these situations always ask yourself...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

KW: Itís a disgrace, the sweat is pouring off me!

NP: Thatís an emergency if ever there was one. Clement what was your challenge?

CF: Ah, situations repeated. Repetition of the word situations.

NP: Are you sure?

CF: Yes.

NP: Itís such a long time ago now, thereís been so much sweat pouring off him in the meantime. Oh heís trailing a little. I donít remember him saying situations. Did you say situations more then once Kenneth?

KW: No but Iím sure Clement is a man of integrity! I do not think he would lie and therefore I think we ought to accept it! Yes yes!

NP: Well said! Well said! There we are!

DN: (laughs)

NP: Or is that another way of saying yes I said situations twice?

KW: I think I must have done.

NP: Yes all right. Clement Freud has a point and there are 17 seconds left for emergencies Clement starting now.

CF: Thereís some have tennis elbow. And others..

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, your tennis elbow dried you up completely, Derek got in first, has a point and there are 13 seconds left for emergencies Derek starting now.

DN: I went to first aid classes and I think one ought to be prepared for any emergency if it happens, donít you really. I think itís one of the things one really ought to educate one...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: One really ought.

NP: Yes, you did say...

DN: Oh I did indeed, yes, I really did. And sheís a woman of honour, I do feel that she wouldnít lie. Oh yes...

NP: I would like to point out to these four keen competitors, when they bring up honour, how much itís appreciated by the audience. They clap spontaneously...

DN: Itís a cry!

NP: Anyway, so Andree has a point, there are five seconds left for emergencies Andree starting now.

AM: On a train one reads "do not pull the thing except in a state of..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because it doesnít say do not pull the thing.

NP: No it... it doesnít say do not pull the thing so you are deviating. And so Kenneth has a point and he has one second left for emergencies starting now.

KW: You blow up your Mae West..

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams was speaking then when the whistle went and heís now jumped into third place behind Derek Nimmo whoís still trailing behind Clement Freud whoís still the leader. Derek itís your turn to begin, my hidden vice. That is the subject on the card Derek, can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: One of these things oneís awfully dubious about confessing to the greater British public. But Iím terribly keen on fornication. Now what I do for this... do you know what it means? Itís actually putting a feeling of fornic acid on your body, as given by ants crawling all over you. And do you know what I do? I go home at night and I have a little bottle with these insects in them. And I put it on my chest and they go whittling around beneath the hairs. And as they go, they pinch and bite and itís absolutely delicious! And Iíve never told a soul before. But when I go back to my bed this evening I will feel in the cupboard, produce this pot, and all these little chappies will be looking at me and Iíll say "hello, how are you, are you ready?" They give me a nod, and off they go! Wandering away, squelching, skinking, because they do all sorts of funny things to me. Normally they push their eggs in front of them and thatís the most delicious feeling...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Two deliciouses.

DN: Oh really! She is not a woman of honour!

NP: But he was so...

AM: Iíve been listening to every word!

NP: And I think the whole thing was so outrageously delicious, heís probably committed every crime already. Weíll let him continue right up till the end on my hidden vice, seven seconds left starting now.

DN: And sometimes when theyíre breeding, the most fantastic things happen because the male ants and the lady ones...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the thought of those ants, I must explain to the listeners, has made Derek Nimmo get up and help himself to water! I think the whole thing was utterly devious, Iím sure he repeated himself and probably even hesitated...

DN: Thatís downright untrue to malign me!

NP: But you wonít get a point for the interruption but you do get a point for speaking when the whistle went, and you now have a lead of two over Clement Freud at the end of that round. Andree Melly would you begin the next round for us, the subject is sneezing. Can you talk to us on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: This is something that can be brought upon you by having a terrible cold or taking snuff, or a piece of dust up your nose. When it happens, youíre...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. I must also explain to our listeners that Andree endeavored to demonstrate what she was saying, so she grabbed her nose and she couldnít speak and she did hesitate. So Clement you have a point and there are 49 seconds left for sneezing starting now.

CF: This is something which happens very often to people who have hay fever. Suddenly for no good reason, it would appear, they begin to sneeze. First once, then again, a third time and possibly repeated yet on another occasion. And my small son, Matthew, suffers from this disease. And itís very sad because in the summer all the other children ride ponies, but not my youngest offspring, the most junior member of my family...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was hesitation, he was still trying to find other words to express child or children. Anyway there are 29, there are 19 seconds left Derek for sneezing starting now.

DN: Iím terribly allergic to oysters. And when I was in the Loir last year I had one of these things to eat and it made me sneeze. Itís very strange...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why...

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes.

DN: Yes of course.

NP: I think so on this occasion because I was harsh with you last time on the delicious. So Andree you have a point and there are 10 seconds left for sneezing starting now.

AM: Did you know that when this happens you are obliged to close your eyes. Itís absolutely impossible to keep them open. I believe this is because they would fall out on your face...

WHISTLE

NP: Weíre all now trying to sneeze and see if we can catch our eyes.. keep our eyes open or try and catch them. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is things I can do without. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The things that I could most easily do without are buzzers in the hands of people like Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Andree Melly. You begin to say something and they...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: I was just demonstrating what they do, thatís all! He couldnít think of the word and so he was going to pause.

NP: Well all right, no points scored, the subject stays with Clement Freud and he has 48 seconds left for things I can do without starting now.

CF: Others...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, you have challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: There was a definite hesitation, 46 seconds on things I can do without starting now.

DN: One of the things I can most easily do without is Clement Freud. He sits there, week after... year...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I agree, hesitation Kenneth. There are 40 seconds for you to take over things I can do without starting now.

KW: The things I can do without are superficial and not really necessary in the sense of nutriment. Now when I use that word, I of course mean that which provides for my inner well-being and not my outer. This world is far too much concerned with materialism. Too little is the inward eye turned... oh I said turned twice...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Repetition of turned.

NP: Well weíre not going to disagree are we, because um there are eight seconds left Derek for you to take over things I can do without starting now.

DN: Covered with soup stains, his beard awry, the great belly squelching over the chair. All the time being so disagreeable to everybody...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím glad we never discovered who he was referring to. Derek you were speaking when the whistle went so you have yet another point at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject revolutions. I donít know whether youíve ever started any, youíve almost started some on this programme. Anyway will you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well this can be taken to mean travelling the perimeter of a circle completely. Or of course it can mean to change the status quo. Not to be confused with rebellion, which is to protest against this said thing. And the other is establishing a new order. They seldom succeed. The French Revolution is a prime example...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: If itís a revolution it has succeeded. Itís rebellions that donít succeed.

NP: Yes! Everybody seems convinced except you Kenneth.

KW: I didnít say that! I said change, I said to change the status quo and I said apropos of that they seldom succeed. I did explain...

NP: The French Revolution...

KW: The French Revolution didnít succeed. Of course I didnít, what rubbish!

NP: No, I think Clement has a point that youíve made very cleverly. So he gains a point, takes over the subject of revolutions...

KW: Well itís a disgrace! Iíve a good mind to leave!

NP: There are 20...

KW: I might leave here! Iíve got other things I could do! Iíve come all this way... Itís a disgrace!

NP: Twenty-eight seconds for Clement to continue on revolutions starting now.

CF: The French Revolution took place in France...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well itís just totally rubbishy!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE AND DN

KW: Itís um, itís um, what do you call it? Deviation!

NP: You want to get back in again, donít you Kenneth! Youíre trying very hard! Bad luck Kenneth, Iím afraid, Iím sorry, I canít quite agree. Iím afraid the French Revolution did take place in France! So Clement Freud has another point with 24 seconds left for revolutions starting now.

CF: Of which country Paris was then, and is now, the capital city. The population at the time...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: (laughs) Not quite! Very close Kenneth...

KW: Well itís all deviation anyway! I mean the population of Paris and the fact that itís the capital city of France has nothing to do with revolutions at all!

NP: I think it has...

KW: Itís irrelevant! Totally irrelevant!

NP: Thereís nothing irrelevant about it. Weíve already established there was a great revolution, the French revolution and heís on the subject. It took place in Paris, it started in Paris anyway. So um there are 16 seconds with Clement to continue with revolutions starting now.

CF: If you buy a gramophone record which is now called a disc, it has written upon it the words or letters RPM meaning revolutions per minute. And this is the number of times that the disc goes around...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Two discs.

NP: Two discs. Yes Andree so you have a point and there are three seconds left for revolutions starting now.

AM: A lot of people lost their heads with the guillotine and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím afraid that is all we have time for this week so it only remains for me to give you the final score at the end of that round. In this game which is after all only a game, however keenly they may play it. Kenneth Williams was mildly in fourth place...

KW: Only by unfairness and cheating! Otherwise I should have won! Itís disgraceful!

NP: I would say, looking at the score, whatever things you may think, youíre definitely in fourth place Kenneth!

KW: Wait till I get you outside!

NP: Not, not content with intimidating me on the show, they now want to intimidate me outside as well! Andree Melly was obviously in third place, Derek Nimmo was marginally in second place. And Clement Freud was definitely by two points in first place. This weekís winner, Clement Freud! So in spite of revolutions, things I can do without, sneezing, my hidden vice, emergencies, love, getting a word in edgeways and wine, we come to the end of this particular programme. We do hope that youíve enjoyed it, from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.