ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask these four seasoned battlers at this game to try and talk for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. If one of the other three think they are guilty of doing this, they may challenge. And if I agree with the challenge, they will gain a point and take over the subject. If I disagree with the challenge whoever is speaking will gain a point and continue with the subject as long as they can. Thatís the way we score and that is the way we play the game. And the audience have already started laughing because Kenneth Williams is already doing his tricks! Which is playing to the audience. The subject is what excites me. So can you talk on that subject, what excites me, for 60 seconds Kenneth starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I think, that in common with most people, I find extremely exciting the spectacle of semi-nudity as opposed to the complete thing. A small amount exposed really gets me going! The curiosity which is the insatiable element, I think, in all of us is tickled, if you like, aroused. And one mentally wonders oooohhh what have they got on underneath, you see. Even the face...


NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?


NP: What from?

CF: You donít see!

NP: You donít see what?

KW: I didnít say I see, I said you wonder whatís going on.

NP: You wonder whatís going on underneath...

CF: You see!

NP: Now!


KW: Donít clap him!

NP: Itís a very clever challenge. But you see, when it comes to nudity, if you couldnít see it, or semi-nudity, you would not be able to be excited by it. Therefore it is obviously not a legitimate challenge. Because youíve got to be able to see semi-nudity to be excited!

KW: Oh thatís true! Yes! Heís very good! Yes!

NP: So your, your, um, whatís that, your colloquialism was apt on this occasion Kenneth. I disagree with the challenge so you gain a point and you keep the subject and there are 23 seconds left for what excites me starting now.

KW: Nothing more than the power of oratory. The finest speeches, words chosen with memorable precision and care strike a reverberating chord in the memory. And one is reawakened, so to speak, renewed, so to speak...


NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Repetition, he so to spoke.

NP: He so to spoke yes. And alas there were only three seconds to go and he would have kept the subject for 60 seconds otherwise. But Clement was the first to get in, heís so clever at doing that. And you, I agree with your challenge Clement so you gain a point. Three seconds left, for what excites me starting now.

CF: Kenneth Williamsí knees give me...


NP: Kenneth Williamsí knees give Clement Freud yet another point...

KW: Oh Iím completely overcome! I donít know what to say! Really!

NP: I wouldnít say anything Kenneth, Iíd just keep quiet! We often wondered what it was, the big bond between you.

KW: Well they are nice you know! They really are! They are nice! They are nice!

NP: I must explain to our listeners that Kenneth has now shown his knees to our audience! And from their reaction they obviously thoroughly approve! Also I must explain to the listeners that if any of them heard a noise in the background of either a police car screaming in the distance, they werenít coming to help Kenneth Williams out! They were obviously on some other errand of mercy or emergency. The score, I must explain to those who may not know. Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. In this case it was Clement Freud. The whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up. Andree Melly itís your turn to begin. What to look for when buying a dog, thatís what Ian Messiterís thought of for you and will you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: I havenít written it down yet!

NP: Iím sorry. Well if you have to write it down, weíll go back to the beginning.

AM: Very sorry, yes right.

NP: You must warn me in future if youíre going to write things down.

AM: Itís very long, terribly long.

NP: I think youíre just playing for time so that you can think about it.

AM: Thatís right, yes.

NP: What to look for when youíre buying a dog, Andree Melly, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: The most important thing to look for on this occasion is a dog. You want to find an animal with four legs, two ears, a nose, a pair of eyes, some teeth. If possible a young version of the species. And you want to be sure that you know what kind of animal itís going to grow up to when itís...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of animal.

NP: That is right, she did say animal more than once. So Clement you gain another point, 41 seconds left for what to look for when buying a dog starting now.

CF: Itís not at all a bad idea to look at cats, parrots, ferrets....


NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít think so, no, no, no, almost but not quite, no. So Clement has another point, 36 seconds left, what to look for when buying a dog starting now.

CF: And other animals, so that when you meet the dog you are immediately able to say "you are a dog and I want to buy you..."


NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Dog twice.

CF: Itís on the card.

DN: Iím so sorry, it was a great mistake.

NP: Why?

DN: Well I was challenging wrongly on dog, and itís on the card.

NP: Yes thatís right, yes. Well there we are, yes you were too keen. All that happens is that Clement has another point and there are 29 seconds left for what to look for when buying a dog starting now.

CF: Perusing it carefully will show you the gender of the beast in question. Turning it upside down...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: I havenít come here to listen to a load of filth! Supposed to be family entertainment! Itís a disgrace!

NP: I kind of agree Kenneth, I donít think itís necessarily what to look for when buying a dog. I donít think....

KW: Of course not! Itís not necessary! The dog is, we all know, a dog is a dog. If he said a dog...

NP: Kenneth! If I may say, if it was a bitch..

KW: Oh yes! Thatís right, yes!

NP: ...which one was looking for, buying a dog...

DN: Well if he was a Yorkshire terrier you wouldnít see anything anyway, would you?

NP: What to look for when buying a dog....

KW: It wouldnít establish the gender, you see!

NP: No thatís right, no, there we are....

CF: Youíve got to!

NP: Youíve got to establish the gender? In other words, you might get a bitch? Is that what you were going to say? Well all right, I will score no points, because I think it was a debatable point. But I leave the subject with Clement Freud who has 18 seconds to continue with what to look for when buying a dog starting now.

CF: Bright of eye, wet of nose, and savage of tooth is really what the ideal dog should be. He growls at strangers and licks friends. He mouths, barks....


NP: Well Clement Freud just managed to keep going until the whistle went. So he gains an extra point for speaking on the whistle. And as the challenges were debatable he got no points for his challenges. I want to make that quite clear. But he still has a commanding lead at the end of that round. And he continues talking because itís your turn Clement. The subject is pulling a cork. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Thatís absolutely disgusting! How can you talk about that! You... grip it in your hand, and you establish whether itís a hen or a cock, and then... pluck it carefully...


NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Heís not talking about pulling a cork, heís talking about pulling a cock!

NP: No, of course not!

CF: Isnít that what he said?

NP: That is what I said, pulling a cork!


CF: You could have fooled me, is all I...

NP: All right. But, Clement Freud, you did not fool us! So Iím going to give it to Derek Nimmo, he has a point...

KW: Weíll have to start all over again!

NP: No!

KW: None of thatís airable is it!

NP: Derek Nimmo has rescued us....

KW: Goodness knows what old ladies in the Falkland Islands will say! Thereíll be a lot of knitting stitches dropped!

NP: I refuse to believe that my diction is so bad. Derek Nimmoís going to take over the subject, there are 48 seconds left for pulling a cork starting now.

DN: When you go fishing, itís very advisable to throw a cork into the water so that you can see whereabouts the line is following your boat. Now if you do not do this, the string goes right down and you donít see it again. Sometimes of course you can pull one out of a bottle. And my great-grandmother bequeathed onto me the most splendid corkscrew. It has worked on a trellis in Devise and patented, I might say, in the last century. It fits snuggly on top of the bottle and with a great swish out it comes and perhaps with a (makes popping noise) as well. That makes it particularly nice when you drink your wine which could be Muscadet or perhaps some Merthot or perhaps...


NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he was searching for another wine and itís very difficult when youíre having to keep going. So Andree I agree with your challenge, you take over the subject of pulling a cork and there are 13 seconds left starting now.

AM: There are a great deal of new scientific ways of doing this these days. Some of them are to do with air...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Thatís not pulling a cork.

NP: No....

DN: Thatís air pressure which goes....

NP: Yes that is not pulling a cork. You see, pulling a cork...

AM: It pulls it up!

NP: No, no, itís the pressure behind that shoots the cork up.

AM: Oh God!

NP: You see, so you were deviating and Derek gets the subject back and there are six seconds left for pulling a cork starting now.

DN: Well I tie a piece of string on the end of the cork and I walk round Trafalgar Square...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: String.

NP: String, yes, you had string....

DN: You are right, jolly good! Well listened Ken!

NP: Oh dear. So Kenneth youíve gained the subject and a point and there are four and a half seconds left for pulling a cork starting now.

KW: Well itís always best to leave this sort of thing to waiters. They do it far better than I do it so I always do...


NP: Kenneth will you begin the next round, patriotism. Will you talk to us about patriotism for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well that great woman Edith Cavell said "it is not enough". She said "there must be no hatred in my heart for anyone". And I think it is very very beautiful...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of very very.

KW: It doesnít matter....

NP: No, it was not a repetition of very very, it was a repetition of very.

DN: Very very beautiful, oh well, I mean, really!

NP: Yes well all right, but it was a bit of a tough one. Because after all he was quoting, he was giving a very fine example of patriotism...

DN: Right!

NP: So I will charge no points, leave the subject with Derek, with Kenneth Williams, 50 seconds left for patriotism Kenneth starting now.

KW: Doctor Johnson said it was the last refuge of a scoundrel. And of course there is something to be said for this point of view. It has been used or abused by many people in the world. I have no time for it myself. I think much the same thing applies to any piece of land. You canít say this is peculiar because of so-and-so-and-so-and-so. I...


NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Rather a lot of so.

NP: Yes, that time definitely repetition. So Derek Nimmo...

KW: It was nice!

NP: Yes! But he definitely gains a point that time and there are 19 seconds left for patriotism Derek starting now.

DN: I am deeply ashamed of Kenneth Williamsí view on patriotism. Red, white and blue, what does it mean to you? Joy or proud, shout it aloud. Let it be known...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, heís doing a song now, heís not discussing...

NP: And he is doing a very patriotic song. So he is still on the subject of patriotism, therefore I disagree with the challenge...

KW: Ah well in that case, we could all start quoting reams of songs!

NP: You were quoting something...

DN: From Dr Johnson and Edith Cavell!

KW: Ah thatís different with me because I do it beautiful!

NP: Others would do it beautifully but you do it beautiful! Anyway Derek has a point and there are eight and a half seconds left Derek for patriotism starting now.

DN: Down I go to Dover with my Union Jack and I stand on the cliffs. "Whatho!" I say. Iím an Englishman and proud of it! Come on you...


KW: Why is he walking along like that Nick? And sticking his behind out?

NP: That was one of those moments when we wish this was television and not radio. Because Derek Nimmo was giving an impersonation of Kenneth Williams arriving at the beginning of the show. Walking....

KW: Itís disgraceful! You shouldnít mock infirmities!

NP: Youíve mocked his impediment before now, his stutter!

KW: Oh I thought it was a pediment! Iím sorry!

NP: No, no, thatís on his foot! Right, the subject is, er Derek Nimmo to start, clock chimes. All right Derek, 60 seconds on that subject if you can, starting now.

DN: I once knew a man who sat outside a big building to listen to the chimes. Itís not...


CF: Sorry, sorry, mistake.

NP: Someoneís challenged.

KW: He mistook it, he thought he said it twice, he hadnít, go on.

NP: Yeah but... itís nothing to do with... no, no, no! If he challenges, he canít...

CF: Who challenged?

NP: ...justify his challenge...

CF: Who challenged?

NP: Well somebody pressed the buzzer. But no light came on, Iím afraid.

KW: It wasnít me!

DN: Lock the doors! Nobody leave the house!

NP: Iím going to put you all on your honour! Youíve all been very honourable up to now. Now who pressed their buzzer?

CF: I did.

NP: There we are! So it was an incorrect challenge, so Derek Nimmo gets another point and there are...

KW: Youíre very buoyant tonight, arenít you?

NP: Iím all revved up! Iíve got a clock chimer. So there are 51 seconds left for you Derek on clock chimes starting now.

DN: I must say I love the sound of jolly old clock chimes, donít you? Ding dang dong dung bing bang bong bung! What more enjoyable noise...


NP: Clement Freud challenged you.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: More.

NP: That is quite correct. Yes I wanted to hear, you might have said bing or bung...

DN: What?

KW: You said more and more.

NP: Having got cleverly round your ding dongs and bungs and bangs you then got so carried away you said more and more. Clement spotted it, I agree with your challenge, Clement you gain another point, 41 seconds left for clock chimes starting now.

CF: One of the most famous clocks is called Big Ben. And it chimes on the hour, and...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well the clock is not called Big Ben.

NP: That is perfectly correct.


NP: The bell is Big Ben. Well done Derek, so that was deviation...

KW: Well what is it then thatís called Big Ben? The bell?

NP: The bell.

KW: Well the bell belongs to the clock! So when he says Big Ben...

NP: He said the clock chimes, er Big Ben chimes, the bell..

KW: What else is it that chimes?

DN: One of the most famous clocks is called Big Ben...

KW: Oh well itís the clock thatís called Big Ben! Itís the clock that does do the chiming, isnít it!

DN: No it isnít.

KW: Well heís still right! Of course he is! The clock is the thing...

NP: Oh all right, if youíre going to start arguing, let the audience judge. They havenít judged yet. Do you agree with Derek Nimmoís challenge? If you do, will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now!


NP: Thereís no doubt about it, Derek Nimmo has a point. And there are 34 seconds left for clock chimes Derek starting now.

DN: Tompkin made some of the finest clocks in this country and all of them have the most wonderful chimes fitted within them. Some can be seen in the Victoria and Albert Museum. If you go into their Long Gallery on the second floor, there you will see a wonderful bow walnut cased clock which is absolutely magnificent. One of the finest examples of craftsmanship, I think, in this country. Oranges and lemons said the bills of St Clemence...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: I thought hesitation, the bells of St Cl-cl-cl-clemence.

NP: If you had had deviation, because oranges and lemons said the bells of....

KW: Well he hesitated!

NP: ...St Clememce.

KW: You hesitated when you were speaking.

NP: Well all right, it was also hesitation I think. Yes I quite agree, I quite agree. I quite agree. So Kenneth you have a point and you have eight seconds left for clock chimes starting now.

KW: Not that I really want them. I regard them as the most dreadful sound ever to come upon my ear. They donít float or it like the...


NP: Well Kenneth Williams was speaking then when the whistle went and heís now jumped into third place. And er Clement, no, Kenneth Williams is in third place, Andreeís just behind in fourth. And Clement Freud itís your turn to begin again, the subject is the invention I most approve. Can you talk about that invention for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The invention of which I most approve is the wheel. And a very fascinating invention it was. Because first of all they thought "letís make it a triangle" and they rolled this down hill and found...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, itís impossible to roll a triangle.

NP: No, you can only roll something that is round. You can make it turn from point to point but that is not rolling....

KW: Quite right!

CF: But that is how they got the wheel.

NP: Itís how we got the wheel but they didnít roll a triangle. They moved the triangle from point to point. I decide that rolling is not a thing you can do with a triangle. So it must be a smooth surface to roll. And therefore Kenneth has a point and he takes over the subject with 47 and a half seconds left starting now, the subject by the way, the invention I most approve starting now.

KW: Well of course, thereís no question about it. It is Kenneth Williams! This invention has delighted thousands of people who would, without it, have been totally bereft. People say to me "without you where would my night be?"


NP: Clement....

KW: ... ie., my evenings totally empty....


NP: Clement..

KW: You fill the spaces...

NP: Clement Freud challenged you, though we were just loving it...

CF: Two people.

DN: Yes.

NP: Yes we did have two people, people ask...

KW: The whole thingís deviation because Iím not an invention, Iím a natural product. So you should have had that.

NP: I know!

KW: I donít know how any of you let it all go on so long!

NP: Iíll tell you why...

KW: Iím a natural product!

NP: Kenneth!

KW: Iím issue you see!

NP: Quiet Kenneth! Quiet for a minute! Iíll tell you exactly why they let it go on.

KW: Why?

NP: Because you made such a point about your fascination, they really felt they should give you a chance to go!

KW: Yes!

CF: I let it go because his Mumís sitting in the front row nodding!


NP: And I must... If this was television, the producer would now put the camera on her at this particular moment and show that she was thoroughly embarrassed about what her son was saying at this moment! Anyway the subject is the invention I most approve, itís back with Clement Freud whoís gained another point and there are 33 seconds left starting now.

CF: So then they tried with a square, pushing it along an incline and not very fast did it move downwards. So...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Not quiet. He was coming towards that moment of hesitation but he didnít quite achieve it. So Clement has another point, there are 23 seconds for the invention I most approve starting now.

CF: They trimmed off the edges, put a hubcap, invented spokes. And there was the wheel, rolled...


NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged. Why?

DN: Repetition of invented.

NP: Yes thatís right, yes. Weíve had invented more than once. Derek you have a point, you take over the subject of the invention I most approve, 17 seconds left, starting now.

DN: The invention of which I most approve is the single yellow line. I find it absolutely fascinating when I go out of my house in the morning, there I see a great long slip of yellowness....


NP: He couldnít get away from it, could he? Clement you challenged first.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Yellow.

NP: Yes, that is correct.

DN: Yellowness.

NP: So um you said yellow more than once Derek. Clement you get another point, three seconds left for the invention I most approve starting now.

CF: The circle came later...


NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud again increases his lead over Derek Nimmo who increases his lead a little over Kenneth Williams and Kenneth increased a little over Andree Melly. In that order they are still at the end of that round. Kenneth itís your turn to begin again. I pause because I wasnít quite sure what Ianís thought of you, it is the snark. Can you talk about the snark for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I believe this is an imaginary animal. It occurs in the title of The Hunting of the Snark. And I understand it was written by someone called Dodgson or Lewis Carroll, as he was titled for the purpose of authorship. And this whole thing has its beginning in the idea of diverting the young. Itís certainly never succeeded with me! I infinitely prefer Gibbon or John Mottley to this muck! But I believe with many people it has achieved a kind of popularity. The explanation...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of achieved. He achieved...

NP: Yes, yes yes...

KW: Oh very clever of you!

NP: Yes! heís very much alive. And Derek Nimmo gets another point and there are 23 seconds left for the snark Derek....

DN: Iím always fascinated I think, to think of Mr Dodgson in his Oxford college, leaning out of the window looking at little girls going across the garden. And all the time thinking of the snark. Now I...


NP: Derek, Clement Freud challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Certainly deviation! Itís disgusting!

CF: There were no little girls in Oxford Colleges...

DN: Thatís when he saw...

NP: He could well have seen one out of term time. Youíre allowed to take visitors into colleges at winter.

DN: Thatís where he met Alice, you see. In Wonderland.

NP: I donít think he saw a snark, he might have seen...

CF: You mean Alice is at it again? Alice?

NP: No you canít justify it Clement, Derek Nimmo has a point and there are 15 seconds left for him to continue with the snark Derek starting now.

DN: I bought a new boat last week, and Iím going to call it The Snark. I think itís an awfully appropriate name for a catamaran, donít you? Because a catamaran has...


NP: Andree Melly got in that time.

AM: Repetition of catamaran.

NP: That is right and there are eight seconds left for the snark, Andree starting now.

AM: This poem which tells you how to hunt for snarks...


NP: Kenneth Williams why do you challenge?

KW: Itís not a poem.

NP: What is is then?

KW: Prose.

NP: The Hunting of the Snark, itís poetry.

KW: Oh well, I understood... Iíve never read it, I always understood it was prose.

NP: No itís definitely poetry. It rhymes you know with the tumty-tum, very much.

KW: Oh well, thatís not poetry either! Thatís doggerel. He wasnít a poet!

NP: Well tried! They do try hard, donít they!

KW: No itís certainly not a poem, itís doggerel! Doggerel unquestionably!

NP: Some people think itís great fun and very good poetry. And Andree Melly has a point and she continues with the snark...

KW: Itís not even listed! What are you talking about? Heís not even listed in The Book of English Literature, this man! Itís rubbish! Itís all rubbish!

NP: Kenneth Williams you cannot get round me. Andree Melly has a point, there are five seconds left for the snark Andree starting now.

AM: It is difficult to understand because in a way it is a form of rubbish writing. And when you want to...


NP: Iím afraid that is all we have time for. I see it is time to halt this particular edition of Just A Minute, so let me give you the final score. Reading backwards as I like to do, though I find it very difficult. Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams were equal in third place. They were a little way behind Derek Nimmo in second place who was behind this weekís winner Clement Freud. We do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute. From all of us here goodbye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.