JAM:DNimmo,PJones,THawks,JHardy
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES, TONY HAWKS and JEREMY HARDY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 January 1995)

NOTE: Jeremy Hardy's first radio appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four exciting personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back two of our oldest members of the team, that is Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones. Old in the sense theyíve played the game for 28 years! And two of our younger players of the game whoíve only played it a few times. That is Tony Hawks and Jeremy Hardy. Would you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Liz Trott whoís going to keep the score and blow her whistle when 60 seconds is up. And once again we are back in Cardiff. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Showman Theatre before a very excited Welsh audience! So I would like to say to this delightful Welsh audience that we have here toiso and shemai!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: As usual Iím going to ask our panelists to speak on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject if they can. And Tony Hawks will you begin the show this week, the subject Glamorgan. Will you tell us something about Glamorgan in 60 seconds starting now.

TONY HAWKS: Glamorgan is a marvelous place. Be it Cardiff in South Glamorgan, Swansea in West Glamorgan, or Merthetydful in mid-Glamorgan. The extraordinary thing is that there doesnít appear to be a North Glamorgan or a East Glamorgan. Perhaps these bits havenít been built yet! When they are, Iím sure they will be equally delightful. Kerfilly is a lovely town and whenever I go there I like to write the words "please drive" above the signposts, causing great amusement amongst passengers in my car! Slantwit Major, another super location, no relation...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Hardy has challenged you.

JEREMY HARDY: Itís so ingratiating, itís revolting!

NP: Yes but thereís nothing in the rules of Just A Minute that says you canít ingratiate yourself with the audience. I think heís doing a great job of that actually. But so it was an incorrect...

PETER JONES: Itís quite sick-making!

NP: But heís, but heís still playing Just A Minute. So Jeremy as thatís an incorrect challenge, Tony Hawks gets a point and he keeps the subject of Glamorgan and there are 19 seconds left starting now.

TH: Glamorgan also has a cracking cricket team! Let us forget the one blur on their past when Malcolm Nash bowled to Gary Sobers and he hit six sixes in one...

BUZZ

CRIES OF "AWWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh! Jeremy yes?

JH: No Iím wrong because six and sixes are different words.

NP: Yes, you are wrong. Six sixes yes. Tony another incorrect challenge, another point, still with the subject, still ingratiating yourself, five seconds, Glamorgan starting now.

TH: I am lost for words to describe...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: If heís lost for words, he should stop!

NP: I think he did hesitate after that Peter. So...

PJ: Yes he did.

NP: You have got the subject, you have three seconds, a point of course for a correct challenge, Glamorgan starting now.

PJ: My daughter went to school in Lanctrit Major and I used to visit her...

WHISTLE

NP: In Just A Minute whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. It was Peter Jones, he has two points at the end of that round, heís equal with Tony Hawks. Jeremy Hardy, will you take the next round, the subject, mingling. Can you tell us something about mingling in Just A Minute starting now.

JH: At a party one says "I must go and mingle" when one is completely bored with the person...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of one.

NP: Yes you said one and you canít repeat it. So Peter you got in on, after five seconds, mingling, 55 seconds starting now.

PJ: Ming Ling was a giant panda who was brought over here in order to impregnate the other panda at...

BUZZ

PJ: ...London Zoo. Unfortunately....

NP: Excuse me Peter, Derek has challenged you.

DEREK NIMMO: Well repetition, you do need two pandas, I agree, for that but he did actually mention two.

NP: You said two pandas.

DN: One panda brought in to impregnate another panda. Also I just thought Iíd say good evening. How are you?

NP: So Derek a correct challenge, a point for that. And you take over the subject of mingling, 53 seconds starting now.

DN: Oh gosh, Cardiff is a wonderful place for mingling! I do like wandering around and seeing the jolly smiling faces. Passing Lord Mayors and you say "whatho" and they wave back. And then you go on mingling around with even greater enthusiasm, particularly when you wander past Lord Buteís Castle. And there, a fair maiden, with lustrous eyes. And you long to mingle...

BUZZ

DN: ...with them. And they give you the most enchanting...

NP: Oh has someone challenged? I was so carried away, I forgot to look at the, the lights.

DN: Poor old Nick....

NP: He was talking about these delicious Welsh maidens and I just went! I mean, I was just gone!

DN: Nicholas, Nicholas has now reached the age that when a girl says no, heís profoundly grateful!

NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: Well I didnít really want to hear about him mingling with these Welsh lovelies really. But he did repeat around.

NP: He did repeat around, yes.

TH: Earlier on, but I let it go for a while.

NP: Twenty-five seconds are left, mingling starting now.

TH: Of course as Jeremy was saying earlier in this round, itís most important to mingle when you are at a party. A good pick-up line is what is the capital of Poland? The person on the receiving end of this line will then say...

BUZZ

NP: Derek?

DN: Two lines. And Warsaw!

NP: But Tony wasnít trying to get off with you or pick you up! Well not as far as I know, unless thereís something going on between the panelists that I donít know....

TH: Youíre no good at body language are you Nicholas?

NP: Derek youíve got in with a correct challenge, 10 seconds on mingling starting now.

DN: If you got a barn dance and strip the willow, that is an excellent way of mingling with the local farmers who are sitting there on higher hay bales...

WHISTLE

NP: Right, Derek Nimmo you were speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so, with other points in that round youíve now taken the lead, just ahead of Peter Jones and Tony Hawks, and then Jeremy Hardy. And Derek itís your turn to begin. Being taken for a ride. Will you tell us something about that subject starting now.

DN: Actually, being taken for a ride really means being made fun of, doesnít it really. Though I suppose it can have rather sinister connotations. If youíre in Las Vegas for instance, at the times of Bugsy Seagal and he asked to take you for a ride, you could be taken out to Nevada Desert, shot in the head and nobody would ever see you again. That is one of the ways of being taken for a ride, which I would not really like very much. And I believe it still goes on in various parts of, well, in Cambodia for instance. Now that is a country....

BUZZ

DN: Who challenged?

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Ah...

NP: We didnít hear any noise but the light did come on.

TH: We had a Las Vegas for instance and then a Cambodia for instance. Two for instances.

NP: Two for instances.

DN: Oh yes. Absolutely right! Well listened!

NP: So Tony you got in with 29 seconds to go, the subject is being taken for a ride starting now.

TH: I love being taken for a ride on the donkey in Barry Islands. Itís a lovely little fellow. I jump up on there, and I pat itís hind quarters in an affectionate manner...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Hardy challenged.

JH: Sexual fantasy!

TH: Whose? Yours or mine?

NP: We enjoyed the challenge so Iíll give you a bonus point for that. But as it wasnít actually within the rules of Just A Minute Tony gets a point for being interrupted and keeps the subject, being taken for a ride, 17 seconds starting now.

TH: You can go to the Car Showroom and pretend to be really interested in purchasing a very expensive vehicle there. And then the salesman will tell you to jump in and heíll take you for a ride, not realising that youíre not remotely interested in making a purchase. This is a good way of spending Saturday afternoon...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks with points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went has now taken the lead at the end of the round. And Peter Jones itís your turn to begin. The subject chips, will you tell us something about those starting now.

PJ: Not a very nourishing food. And I donít like chips that are made of bacon fat. Or even beef dripping. But made with sunflower oil, they can be quite pleasant. Now by a sheer coincidence, Derek Nimmo was telling me earlier about a friend of his who was in Hong Kong, where they have every kind of culinary experience available. And he went on eating these chips at Harry Ramsden who apparently has a branch in this afore-mentioned Oriental city. And...

LAUGHTER FROM THE CROWD

PJ: Wind it up? What?

NP: No, keep going!

PJ: Oh keep going! Yes, well! Er... and... some people carry chips on their shoulders. And they are really offering a challenge to anybody who likes to make some kind of insulting remark, in which case theyíll probably hit out, or make some er...

BUZZ

CRIES OF "AWWWW" FROM THE CROWD

NP: Jeremy Hardy challenged.

JH: I thought er hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, Jeremy.

JH: Sorry!

NP: So you got in with seven seconds to go on chips starting now.

JH: I took some chips to a casino and won a piece of cod and some saveloy! I munched them with relish sitting by the roulette wheel while the croupier...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Tony Hawks is still in the lead. But Tony you take the next round, itís your turn. The subject gladiators. Will you tell us something about those creatures in this game starting now.

TH: My favourite gladiators are the ones that appear on that popular LWT light entertainment programme. Such as Wolf, Steel, Lightning and three others we donít normally hear of, Budgie, Librarian and Yorkshire Terrier. They donít get on the show as much as the afore-mentioned characters. I would love to see them with their little muscles rippling as they attempt to scale a wall that no-one would venture to attempt unless they were being paid by a TV company. Now gladiators were also found in Roman times when they had to fight things like lions to amuse the Emperors. Quite tough for them in many ways. But they would attempt this with such...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Hardy.

JH: There was about two attempts.

NP: There was two attempts. Yes Jeremy, well listened, 15 seconds are available for you to tell us something about gladiators starting now.

JH: As I remember from my Latin O-level, the bravest of all gladiators were the Reti-Arey-ee who carried fishnets and tridents and were often hired by Conservative MPs to entertain at private social functions. These glistening oil-covered young men were very popular among peers of the realm...

WHISTLE

NP: I must say some of the images you create Jeremy are quite tantalising! Tony Hawks youíre still in the lead at the end of the round. Jeremy Hardy was speaking when the whistle met, gained an extra point. Heís now moved into second place equal with Derek Nimmo, and only one point behind is Peter Jones. Jeremy itís your turn to begin, the subject rainbow. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JH: The colours of the rainbow are violet, indigo, blue, brown, grey and tartan...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Heís wrong!

NP: He said wrong, you deviated.

JH: It depends how much benolin youíve been taking!

NP: Yes well, I think we have to say you were deviating there, 54 seconds for you Derek on rainbow starting now.

DN: The best way to remember the colours of the rainbow is to say Richard of York gave battle in vain, red, orange, yellow, blue, green and indigo, violet...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Thatís not the best way!

DN: It is for me!

TH: Thatís just a way!

NP: Yes but you see, you can say itís the best way because itís probably the best way for Derek to do it. Weíll give you a bonus point for that Tony, of course Derek gets a point for being interrupted, he keeps the subject, 43 seconds, rainbow starting now.

DN: Many years ago I used to work at Rainbow Corner, an establishment run by Charles Fawlty as he then was. He hadnít been ennobled. Which was a former Lionís place just in Piccadilly Circus. And I used to serve there with Mr Anton Rogers whoís gone on to have tremendous success. And we were behind the hamburger counter, and a pretty mean burger we both made! And when our penniless chums like Nicholas Parsons came in...

BUZZ

NP: Tony...

DN: ...we used to slip him... what?

NP: Yes, Tony Hawks challenged you. He challenged you just before I came in your hamburger joint.

TH: It didnít seem to be that much to do with rainbows any more, did it?

DN: It was Rainbow Corner.

TH: Yes I know, but I could have a pair of trousers called Rainbow and talk about them.

NP: You, you mentioned Rainbow Corner but youíd really gone off into the world of hamburgers..

DN: Thatís what we sold there!

NP: ...and your struggles in show business. So I agree with...

PJ: I donít know why anyone would want to remember all the colours of the rainbow! Just, just in case one is asked what they are, which, the chances are remote of anybody doing that except on this footling game!

NP: Tony I agree with your challenge, 18 seconds are available for rainbow starting now.

TH: (singing) Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. (speaking) What a beautiful piece of music and you donít even need to know the colours of the rainbow to sing it. I canít remember...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You do need an ear for music!

LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD

NP: Peter we loved that challenge and we give you a bonus point for that. But he wasnít deviating from the rules of the game. So Tony you get another point because you were interrupted, you have five seconds on rainbow starting now.

TH: (singing) Weíre after the same, rainbowís end, waiting round....

WHISTLE

NP: So Tonyís singing effort kept him going until the whistle went and heís gained extra points throughout the round. Heís got a good lead now over Derek Nimmo, and they are followed, equal place, by Peter Jones and Jeremy Hardy. Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is dawn chorus. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

DN: Because of infersecticides thereís so few birds around...

BUZZ

NP: Yes Jeremy Hardy?

JH: Hesitation over F then.

NP: Yes I thought you said infersecticide!

DN: I probably did actually!

NP: All these birds that had had vasectomies!

DN: Thereís something very peculiar!

NP: So Jeremy I agree with the challenge, it was deviation from English as we understand it. And 57 seconds are available on dawn chorus starting now.

JH: Dawn Chorus is a lovely girl. Dawn Chorus by name, dawn chorus by nature, she says chirpily, as she wakes everybody up at 5.00 in the morning, impersonating pigeons and cuckoos and other kinds of bird. The pterodactyl is believed to have been descended from the bird. And thatís why...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two birds.

NP: Too many birds, yes. So Derek youíve got the subject back with 38 seconds to tell us more about dawn chorus starting now.

DN: In central London the dawn chorus has been replaced at dawn by the noise of airplanes approaching Heathrow. Great big airbuses and Tristars and jumbo dets begin at about 6 in the morning...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Hardy.

JH: Jumbo dets I think he said! I think weíre in the territory of...

DN: Thatís why Freddie Laker went bankrupt!

NP: So back with you Jeremy, 24 seconds on dawn chorus starting now.

JH: My favourite... bird is the cuckoo...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, before... you couldnít get the word bird out again, could you. Twenty-one seconds, dawn chorus Peter starting now.

PJ: The dawn chorus that we get isnít all that pleasant, because itís made up of pigeons and magpies, bluejays and rooks or crows. And none of them make a very pleasant sound. Now if we could get thrushes, nightingales even, or some bird with a voice...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well you canít get a nightingale for a dawn chorus!

PJ: Well I donít... I did say if! If!

NP: I know, if! He was... no I, I think he was definitely into his own world of fantasy because thatís what heíd like in his dawn chorus. He didnít say that it is possible. He just said he would like it Derek. So I disagree actually, Peter an incorrect challenge so you keep the subject. Three seconds are available, dawn chorus starting now.

PJ: And since we have a Royal Artillery next door practically, we get a lot of...

WHISTLE

NP: End of that round, Tony Hawks is still in the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo and Jeremy Hardy and Peter Jones. Peter itís your turn to begin, the subject leaks. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Leaking is what a lot of nervous members of Parliament and other people in politics use, to get over information that they havenít got the guts to come out and say in a straightforward manner, either to the press, radio, the media anywhere. And I donít really think itís awfully nice. Because they should have the courage to say what is going on... (laughs)

BUZZ

PJ: I thought youíd hung up or something!

NP: Yes yes...

PJ: What?

NP: We were enjoying it so much that you just stopped!

PJ: Yes I know! Well I thought you were enjoying it too much! I felt that you were laughing at me more than er... (laughs) ...with me, you see. Thatís the trouble.

NP: Jeremy you buzzed first and there are 31 seconds on leaks starting now.

JH: Leeks are the national emblem of Wales, along with daffodils, dragons and Max Boyce. Max is not heard from much these days...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Max twice.

JH: Yes.

NP: Yes, fair enough. You repeated it, yes, 22 seconds available of leaks Derek starting now.

DN: Leeks indeed yes. It is said that St David, no less, actually gave the order for the leeks to actually be pit on the hats of the soldiers so that they could be differentiated from the Saxons who they were fighting at the time. And ever since then a leek has been the emblem of this noble principality. They put them on coats...

BUZZ

DN: ...the Guards Regiment which also hails from this part of the world. They tend to put leeks... whatís the matter with you?

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged you.

TH: I thought there were two put them ons.

NP: Yeah you put them on, yes, you put them on the head and you put them on. Um Tony three seconds available on leaks starting now.

TH: Leaks are something that Jeremy and I are going to have to take very shortly...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony well done, you kept going until the whistle went, you gained an extra point, you increased your lead at the end of that round, and it is your turn to begin. The subject, extravaganza. Will you tell us something about that marvelous subject starting now.

TH: Starlight Express where you pay 20 pounds for the privilege of watching actresses and actors roller skating around the stage pretending to be trains is an example of an extravaganza. There is another word you could use to describe this! However that is the one favoured by Mr Lloyd Webber himself. Nick...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well he missed out his knighthood. Thatís all. And I think Sir Andrew would not like that.

TH: Itís no good creeping to him, he doesnít give them out!

NP: Tony there are 38 seconds for you to continue with extravaganza starting now.

TH: Nicholas Parsons himself starred in an extravaganza, The Rocky Horror Show, where the characters cross-dressed and had overt sexuality. Why they thought of having Nicholas Parsons in this show, I cannot..

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of Nicholas Parsons.

NP: I donít think you can have too much of that somehow! Twenty-five seconds for you Derek on extravaganza starting now.

DN: Oh my goodness, Nicholas Parsons is himself an extravaganza! If youíve seen him there, in his high heels and his fishnet stockings, it was the most wondrous sight to behold! The audience every night was totally captivated by this elderly gentleman standing in the corner flashing his lovely knees! I suppose one could almost say that... an extravaganza...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: A bit of a stumble there, wasnít there.

NP: Yeah I know.

PJ: There was.

NP: I know, he suddenly changed the subject from Nicholas Parsons and he stumbled. But Peter youíve cleverly got in with only half a second to go on extravaganza starting now.

PJ: Hardly worth saying anything!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones is equal with Jeremy Hardy in third place, in second place is Derek Nimmo, Tony Hawks is still in the lead. Jeremy your turn to begin, the subject hibernating. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JH: Every year my trusted tortoise Tommy holes up for the winter and sets in a store of acorns and hazel nuts, tinned goods, frozen food and other non-perishables to last throughout the winter months, when after that time it metamorphoses into a butterfly, a beautiful beast, the size of a small man, myself or Ronnie Corbett for example. Hibernating is also popular among politicians who are about to face a scandal. They will disappear on holiday or be unavailable for comment, visiting some spurious foreign dignitary... oh God!

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Well he stopped and said oh God!

NP: Hesitation we call that, 22 seconds are available, you tell us something about hibernating starting now.

DN: I think thereís a certain attraction to hibernating. Now in the wintertime, November perhaps, I would awfully like to be able to curl up into a warm ball, an electric blanket and a nebicon nezza of champagne handily adjacent, and just tidy oneself away until the first winds of spring come round...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek got points in the round including one for speaking as the whistle went and heís moving up on our leader Tony Hawks. And we move into the final round so Derek itís your turn. The subject, choir. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

DN: Well a Welsh voice choir, there is no more magnificent sound, particularly if it is a male choir which I think thrills the voices that sing the noises that make the choir...

BUZZ

DN: Iím awfully... did somebody?

NP: Yes you, your rubbish was interrupted!

DN: Yes I know!

NP: Yes!

TH: Well he was talking absolute rubbish!

NP: I know he was! Forty-six seconds are available for you Tony on choir starting now.

TH: (singing very high) Weíre walking in the air (normal voice) sang Alan Jones, the well-known choirboy. He had another hit with (singing very high) Pe--ahh yazel... (speaking voice) but then unfortunately two things dropped, and he didnít have any more success! I was missing that greatly because I was a huge fan of him. His ability to hit the top notes, A sharp, and onwards to the B was a... huge joy...

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: A sharp and then repeated A.

NP: Yes you emphasised the A. And so Derek got in with 16 seconds to go, the subject is still the choir Derek starting now.

DN: Well I suppose Alan Jones was a very lucky choirboy because in earlier times he might have joined the Castrati which they used to actually castrate the young men so that they could retain their soprano and alto voices. And very unpleasant it must have been for them for the rest of their lives which would be rather negative to say the least. Some of the choirs that one hears...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek got the subject back, kept going until the whistle went, gained that all-important extra point, just a nudge ahead of Tony Hawks. Peter Jones and Jeremy Hardy finished equal in third place. Tony Hawks was only two points behind Derek Nimmo, so we say Derek is the winner this week! It only remains for me to thank our delightful audience here in the Showman Theatre and the Mayor for gracing us with his presence. Also to thank our four panelists for their great contribution to the show. And also Liz Trott for keeping the score and blowing her whistle so magnificently. For Ian Messiter for thinking up the game so we keep in work. For Anne Jobson for her sterling work as our producer. And from them and from me, it is good-bye from this edition of Just A Minute. And to all our Welsh listeners yaccidah!

THEME MUSIC