JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JMacKenzie
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JACQUELINE MacKENZIE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 December 1970)

NOTE: Jacqueline MacKenzie's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Jacqueline MacKenzie in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And what a delightful looking audience you appear to be. Well, once again we are all in the Playhouse Theatre. And we have the three famous exponents of the game, and we welcome to the programme for the first time, on the distaff side to challenge these three keen men, Jacqueline MacKenzie. And... and the rules are still the same. Iím going to ask each one to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. In other words, without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they manage to do it, they will gain points or perhaps give them away. And let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject thatís been chosen for you is my cooker. Can you talk about my cooker for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My cooker is a woman. And her names are Patricia Sybil Anne Nimmo and she happens to be my wife. And every morning...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, youíve challenged right away.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Heís not discussing a cooker, heís discussing a person.

NP: Well he is discussing a person...

KW: A person canít be a cooker! A person can be a cook!

NP: I think....

LAUGHTER FROM THE CROWD

KW: There you are, you see!

NP: This is a very....

DN: Well if you walk, youíre a walker.

KW: You donít say to her "here, youíre a cooker!" You say, you say to her "youíre a good cook, you are".

CLEMENT FREUD: My children say youíre a good cooker to me.

NP: Right away, Iím not going to be the judge of this, because it immediately puts me in the...

KW: You coward! Yes! Sneaking out of it!

NP: No I happen to know Derekís wife is a very charming person and I donít know whether...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...she should be called a cooker or not.

KW: Hark at all the flannel thatís going on.

CF: Sheís just been converted!

NP: Sheís just been what?

CF: Converted!

NP: Oh?

CF: To natural gas!

NP: Well weíve got off to a rip-roaring start!

DN: (laughs loudly)

NP: Theyíve all had a jolly good joke. Iím now going to ask the audience to join in right at the very beginning of the show. And if you agree with Kenneth Williamsí challenge will you cheer and if you disagree with his challenge will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They donít think that Derek should call his wife a cooker! Is that clearly understood Derek? So Kenneth you...

KW: Quite right!

NP: ...gain the subject, you gain a point for thatís a correct challenge and there are 52 seconds left for my cooker starting now.

KW: My cooker is white and very beautiful in a clinical way. I often like just to sit looking at the chromium gleaming against the white background and the little curtains....

BUZZ

NP: Er...

KW: What! How dare you!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: Whatís his challenge?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What a nerve!

CF: Repetition of the word white.

NP: I agree there was repetition of the word white. So Clement you gain a point and you take over the subject and there are 39 seconds left for my cooker starting now.

CF: My cooker uses gas and has five points. Also a grill and beneath that an oven. Many people enjoy coming to my house because of the excellence...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, I donít enjoy going to his house!

KW: (laughs loudly) That is rude!

CF: I said many people.

KW: Rude!

NP: Can you give someone a bonus point for rudeness? (laughs) All right Derek you made your point, you got a jolly good laugh. I wonít charge any points because it isnít at all fair. And nobodyís gained anything on that. And there are 27 seconds left for Clement Freud for you to continue with my cooker starting now.

CF: Extracting an oven dish...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek why have you challenged again?

DN: Repetition of oven.

NP: Oh thatís right, there was an oven before.

KW: Oh yes! Heís good! That is true! That is true!

DN: Oven was repeated.

NP: Yes Derek so you gain a point...

CF: My oven dish is not a cooker.

DN: No you had oven.

NP: You had used the word oven before so that is repetition.

DN: Underneath the five points.

NP: Anyway um Derek you have gained a point for correct challenge, there are 24 seconds left, my cooker starting now.

DN: My cooker is electric. And I keep it downstairs in a little room where it lives, all by itself. And itís painted pale green to go with the walls which are a similar colour. Itís particularly nice when putting pea soup on the top of it in a little pan. And I stir it with a silver spoon which used to be in my mouth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you have challenged.

CF: Repetition of little. Little cooker, little room, little pan.

NP: Yeah, a bit unfair, donít you think?

DN: Oh very unfair!

KW: Yes!

DN: Very!

NP: But itís definitely accurate so I have to give Clement Freud a point. And there are four seconds left for my cooker Clement starting now.

CF: Frying pans go particularly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of pans.

NP: All right, he was tough with you, so Iíll be tough with him. All right Derek, you have another point and there are two...

CF: I never said pans!

NP: Did you say pans before? He did say pans before.

DN: Well I thought he said pans when he was putting them in his oven.

KW: Well it probably wasnít that kind of a pan! I think youíd better let him have it.

NP: Who do you think I should let have what er Kenneth?

KW: Well let him have the benefit of the doubt.

NP: Who?

KW: Derek!

NP: All right Derek Nimmo has the benefit of the doubt. Clement said... Kenneth was an absolute impartial observer. So there are two seconds left Derek for my cooker starting now.

DN: North Thames Gas Board are very...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes that tells us that 60 seconds are up gets an extra point. In this particular occasion it was Derek Nimmo who very cleverly got in so he now has a lead over everybody else at the end of that round. Kenneth will you begin the next round for us. The subject for you, knowing your knowledge of history Iím sure Ian Messiterís chosen it specially. Robespierre. Can you talk to us about Robespierre for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: He came to the fore apropos of the er moving...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Jacqueline MacKenzie has challenged.

KW: Oh itís a disgrace!

JACQUELINE MacKENZIE: Itís a hesitation surely.

NP: It was a definite hesitation.

KW: Wait till your turn comes!

JM: I wish it didnít on this one!

NP: There we are! So there w are! Robespierre completely floored him. Jacqueline has a correct hesitation, that was a correct challenge Jacqueline. So you gain a point, you take over the subject, there are 55 seconds left starting now.

JM: Robespierre was a revolting Frenchman and started the terror as far as I know. He became supreme being of starting the terror...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DN: Over-terrorous!

NP: Yes.

JM: I was terrified!

NP: Yes of course you were! But Iím afraid you said terror twice. So Derekís challenge being correct he gains another point, and there are 43 seconds left for Robespierre Derek starting now.

DN: I stand there in my robes peering round the corner towards another statue in Madame Tussaudís...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?

KW: Because robes peering is not Robespierre! I mean itís a disgrace!

NP: Well...

KW: Deviation! Deviation ducky! You canít get round that! Come on!

NP: You canít intimidate me! You canít get me round there! He had...

KW: Robes peering round! Oh come on!

NP: I am going to justify. Robespierre is the title on the card and Derek has very cleverly taken that word and said robes peering, he put an -ing on it. And this is perfectly legitimate within the rules of the game. So he gets another point, there are 39 seconds left for Robespierre Derek starting now.

DN: Towards the wax model of Robespierre in Madame Tussaudís. This is very interesting because the first Madame Tussaudís was...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why do you challenge, why?

CF: Repetition of Madame Tussaudís.

NP: That is right, perfectly correct Clement. You gain a point and there are 32 seconds left for Robespierre Clement starting now.

CF: This is a name of a French gentleman who appeared during the revolution doing the most dastardly deeds to people who met...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: I think that was a definite hesitation Derek, I agree. Fifteen seconds left with you on Robespierre starting now.

DN: One of my nightmares as a child was imagining that this fellow had come to see me on a dark night in July. Iíve always thought itíd be awfully nice to live in a town...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Hesitation.

KW: Yes Iím afraid...

NP: There was no hesitation! He kept going. No it sounded, it sounded very strange but it wasnít hesitation. He said awful thoughts of kinda... Audience, I donít know, was that hesitation audience?

CRIES OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No it wasnít hesitation.

KW: No good asking them! They know nothing about it!

NP: Why not ask them?

KW: Weíre up here! We can see their... we can see their muscles moving, canít we?

NP: Well so can the audience, theyíve got as good a view as you Kenneth! There are seven seconds left for Robespierre Derek starting now.

DN: Yes well all of Robespierreís friends went out...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why? Oh it was a mistake, Iím sorry, he was trying out his buzzer. Itís not working very well. No points scored, there are still five seconds left for Derek to continue with Robespierre starting now.

DN: Which means not having your nickers on. And a number of people used to say...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: I challenged for (splutters) Itís deviation!


NP: Yes!

KW: I havenít come here to listen to a load of filth!

NP: All right, Iím sure that Robespierre...

KW: Underwear! Underwear on a programme like this! With people... a family audience! Underwear! They havenít come here to hear a load of stuff about underwear!

NP: You mentioned the word underwear, in other words, you donít think that Robes...

KW: I wasnít using the word heís using! Have I! Good gracious!

NP: Am I to understand that.. Kenneth! In other words you donít think that Robespierre ever wore nickers?

KW: Iím...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right! I agree with that Kenneth so you have a point! And there are three seconds left for Robespierre Kenneth starting now.

KW: (speaks in French) Those are the famous words...

WHISTLE

NP: Well...

KW: That was French, that was!

NP: Iím glad you told us, we werenít quite sure! At the end of that round Kenneth Williams was speaking...

KW: Iím in the lead! So Iím in the lead!

NP: No youíre not in the lead! Shut up for a minute! But he has got three points now alongside Clement Fraudís... Frauds?

KW: Ohh! Clement Fraud he called you! Did you hear that!

NP: Clement Fraudís freed? Clement Freudís four. And Jacqueline is just behind them but Derek has a very definite lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject is, rather aptly at this moment, I just have to say this, concealing mistakes. So Clement would you talk about concealing mistakes, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The best way of concealing mistakes is not admitting to them. For instance if you were to walk down the street, say 187 yards on a moonlit night and suddenly pass a lamppost and say to it "good evening police officer". And the lamppost doesnít reply...

BUZZ

CF: ...you would then be entirely justified in..

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of lamppost.

NP: Yes weíve had this lamppost more than once.

KW: Yeah but it was ever so good! I was dying...

NP: Yes we loved it all and we loved the lampposts...

CF: You missed a treat!

KW: You missed it! Yes!

NP: Well youíre very keen at the game Clement, get back in again and finish the story. But as chairman, Iíve got to award, according to the rules of the game and that is a repetition. So Derek gains a point and the subject, 40 seconds left starting now.

DN: An awfully good way of starting afresh and concealing mistakes is turning over a new leaf. Iím always trying to do that particularly when Iím speaking French. (speaks in French)

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Turning over a new leaf has nothing to do with the subject. The subject is concealing mistakes. Turning over a new leaf is another subject entirely. Heís deviating! Heís been deviating all the time! And as for robes peering round at you, Iím speechless!

NP: I wouldnít go on about that because you think that was unfair to you, but a lot of people might think I was unfair to Derek in giving Robespierreís nickers back to you!

KW: I...

DN: (laughs)

KW: I... I donít want his nickers! I donít know why you keep bringing it up!

NP: Youíve got a point for that!

KW: Look in the audience! Iíve got my mother here!

NP: You got a point for that and a point for speaking as the whistle went. So you actually had a slight bonus there.

KW: Oh good!

NP: No he did actually say something about turning over a new leaf and concealing mistakes and went on about something to do with concealing mistakes when he was talking French. It all sounded very odd but he didnít deviate from the subject on the card. Thirty seconds left for Derek Nimmo with another point to continue, concealing mistakes, starting now.

DN: Well when Kenneth Williams makes a mistake, he shouts everybody down...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, I am nothing to do with concealing mistakes! I am the most obvious mistake! Obvious!

NP: Kenneth, look, will you answer me truthfully, did you say that just to give us a little entertainment or was it a serious challenge?

KW: No, all genius is a mistake! I mean if youíre of the herd, if youíre common, then youíre ordinary! If youíre uncommon, extraordinary, then youíre a mistake! You see, and Iím a mistake!

NP: Well Iím afraid... The audience love you so much they canít think of you as a mistake in that way. So all that happens is Derek gets another point, there are 27 seconds left for concealing mistakes Derek starting now.

DN: If you are a member of the fraud squad, that is a... that is a....

BUZZ

NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie you challenged.

JM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree there was a hesitation on that occasion.

DN: Quite! Well done!

NP: Jacqueline you take over the subject, youíve gained another point and there are 21 seconds left for concealing mistakes starting now.

JM: Well itís impossible to conceal mistakes on this programme because everybody appears to be inventing the rules...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: It isnít, Iím always concealing mistakes. Not impossible at all.

NP: I disagree, I donít think you often do conceal your mistakes.

DN: Oh.

NP: So Jacqueline MacKenzie has another point...

DN: Jolly good!

NP: ...and there are 16 seconds left for Jacqueline to continue with the subject starting now.

JM: So on this programme the thing to do is to behave...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged again.

DN: Repetition of programme.

NP: Yes Iím afraid thatís true. You see this is the trouble Derek, you came in and she got another point, and now she has to start again which is very difficult, so she used the same word again.

DN: Oh all right.

NP: No, itís quite true though. It was a correct challenge, you gain a point, 13 seconds left Derek, concealing mistakes starting now.

DN: Chartered accountants go in for this a great deal. They examine the books of large companies, particularly if the police ask them to. And go through them most carefully....

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The police donít ask chartered accountants.

KW: Yes! That is very true! How right you are! My goodness!

NP: Wait a minute! Oh Kenneth keep quiet for a second! Itís got nothing to do with you! It is quite possible, you know that the police could in a certain situation ask a chartered accountant to look through the books. It might not be the chartered accountant for that firm because they might be wishing to check on something and they ask another...

KW: You make the whole of English life sound like a French farce! You make up oh in this certain situation...

NP: The way you play this game sounds like a French farce on occasions! No it is possible that they could ask a chartered accountant to look through the books...

KW: In Robespierreís nickers!

NP: Thatís right! I thought you didnít like saying the word! There are five seconds left for Derek Nimmo to continue with the subject, concealing mistakes Derek starting now.

DN: The Board of Trade also often are asked to look into and examine...

WHISTLE

NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie your turn to begin. Oh what a wonderful subject for you in your first one round, how I feel at this moment. Now can you tell us Jacqueline how you feel at this moment starting now.

JM: How I feel at this moment is succinctly, deranged. Faced by these three gentlemen who are determined to put me off everything I attempt to say, I would like to take a more substantial evidence of my sensations. It can be approached in two ways. From the outside, which I would like to ask Mr Nimmo to help me to do as he is next to me, by touching me objectively while I continue subjectively with...

BUZZ

NP: Iím sorry, Jacqueline MacKenzie youíve challenged yourself.

JM: Well Derek Nimmo was deviating!

NP: Sheís a clever girl, isnít she! Not only a clever girl sheís very quick at picking up the game! Jacqueline youíve challenged yourself very cleverly, you gain yourself a point and you keep the subject. What a little ploy! Thirty-one seconds left for how I feel at this moment Jacqueline starting now.

JM: Well my susceptibilities range all over...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Weíve had that.

NP: What, her susceptibilities?

CF: Yes.

NP: I donít remember your susceptibilities coming into it.

SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE.

CF: We havenít had that, evidently!

NP: We havenít had susceptibilities, no, so she has another point, 29 seconds left for how I feel at this moment Jacqueline starting now.

JM: On my nervous system which is getting gradually more and more tense...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: More and more. Repetition.

CRIES OF "AWWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek Nimmo I will show you this piece of paper on which your lead is so commanding...

DN: Oh Iím very sorry!

NP: Yes it was absolutely...

KW: Whether his lead is commanding or not is not the point. It was more and more and thatís repetition! Thereís no argument!

NP: I am in charge in the sense that I feel I should show a little chivalry and consideration to a lady whoís joined us...

KW: Oh heís doing that gallant bit!

NP: Yes! And Derek is the one with his lead as it is who can afford to cast aside a point.

DN: Oh Iím sorry.

NP: No itís all right, no Derek, it was absolutely genuine. But I think youíll agree with me that Jacqueline should continue with how she feels at this moment....

DN: Youíre concealing a mistake.

NP: Youíre absolutely right, a point to Jacqueline MacKenzie and she tells us more about how she feels at this moment and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

JM: Which is not to conceal a single mistake. I will now have to take over Derek Nimmoís share, talking about my textural and tactile aspects. Such as leaning against cushions or menís hairy chins or even bath water...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Three ors!

NP: Oh! Oh! In the bath water she had a different type of oar I think! Jacqueline MacKenzie has another point and nine seconds to continue with how she feels at this moment starting now.

JM: Endlessly on to Just A Minute. This is..

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree that time, Iím sorry.

JM: It was for a minute.

NP: What?

JM: It was for a minute.

NP: Yes you canít hesitate even for a second, Iím afraid. Kenneth you have a point and there are five seconds left for how I feel at this moment starting now.

KW: My handís throbbing with the natural excitement when I exude...

WHISTLE

NP: So...

KW: So that means Iím in the lead! Right?

NP: No, no...

KW: I must be! I must be in the lead! Yes of course, heís doing the figures, isnít he!

NP: No!

KW: Ooohhh!

NP: Um, at the end of that... I must explain to... I... itís very difficult for me to explain to the listeners what occurred then. Kenneth did actually come over and look over my shoulder to see if he was in the lead. He was so shattered to see that he was in er third place that he stuck his posterior out and waddled back to his seat! And that was what made the audience laugh. Itís still sticking out actually! So at the end of that round Jacqueline MacKenzie has crept up a little but theyíre trailing quite a bit behind Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth would you like to begin the next round for us. The subject is permissiveness.

CRIES OF "OH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The audience obviously seem to think you can talk well on that subject so can you begin now.

KW: As it is used today it is taken to denote a kind of toleration which I do not approve of! People going around behaving disgracefully! Organising marches! Protests! Dressing up! Funny hair! Itís disgraceful, it all! And appalling!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo...

KW: I havenít finished! Do you mind!

DN: Repetition of disgraceful.

NP: Yes you did say disgraceful twice unfortunately.

KW: Did I?

NP: Yes! Itís a great pity because obviously you wanted to tell us all the rest of the story! But Derek I agree with the challenge, there are 37 seconds left for you to talk about permissiveness starting now.

DN: What people today call permissiveness seems to me to be a new frankness, which is something that I personally welcome. In Victorian times life was much more...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, he said in Victorian times life was much more. Well how does he know what it was like in Victorian times?

NP: Well heís quite capable of reading you know. And thereís been some very good books written on the subject. How else can we learn about it? Youíre a great historian yourself Kenneth, how have you learned about it?

KW: He should say then in Victorian times, allegedly it was so-and-so-and-so-and-so.

NP: Kenneth are you going to let anybody... audience quiet!

APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD

NP: Youíre being permissive, audience! Youíre on his, Kennethís side. No! I mean how else can anybody discover about anything. No itís quite unjustified. In spite of what the audience think. There are 26 seconds left for Derek to continue with permissiveness starting now.

DN: If you pick up the popular newspapers today, theyíre filled with articles about this permissiveness. Do you like it? Do you think itís wise?

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well it was all rubbish! I mean, it was all boring!

NP: You may think it was rubbish but he wasnít deviating from the subject. So Derek has another point and continues...

KW: But I havenít said anything for ages!

NP: Youíve just spoken!

KW: No I mean had a long go!


NP: Iím afraid itís been one of those shows where nobody really has had a long go except Derek Nimmo. Heís rather taken over the show this week. But still that happens sometimes and even the best, and therefore people who write in and say I favour one or the other which is entirely untrue, will show that this isnít because hereís Derek running away with it. There are 18 seconds left on permissiveness Derek starting now.

DN: The hypocrisy of the 19th century is something which I very much abhor. I do think...

BUZZ

NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie why have you challenged?

JM: It wasnít about hypocrisy.

NP: No he said he abhorred it as opposed to the permissiveness of the present age. I think heíd got that quite clear. What happens is that Derek has another point and 12 seconds left for permissiveness starting now.

DN: The streets in that era were filled...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Iíd like Derek to have another point!

NP: You havenít heard from you in quite a long time! We did hear from you then and I think itís very generous of you to give Derek another point. He doesnít need it actually, he is going to win, I can assure you of that. So Derek has another point and there are seven seconds left for permissiveness starting now.

DN: I think sometimes on a bus itís awfully nice to ignore the notice which says donít spit here...

WHISTLE

NP: I might tell you that Ian Messiter who holds the stopwatch for us even got permissive himself and let the watch run on after that last challenge. So he only had to guess the last number of seconds. But I donít think there was any doubt about it, that Derek not only got a lot more points but we have come to the end of the show for this week. Let me tell you that Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams were both equal in um third place. They were just behind Jacqueline Mackenzie who perhaps got a little encouragement from the chairman as it was her first time...

KW: Youíre not kidding mate!

NP: But thereís no doubt about it. This weekís winner by an overcom... overmar... I canít get it!

KW: Overwhelming! Overwhelming!

NP: Thank you very much Kenneth. By overwhelming...

KW: Majority.

NP: ...majority. By a commanding lead and overwhelming majority of points was Derek Nimmo! I think that is what is often termed a popular win! So thank you very much indeed ladies and gentlemen of the audience, we hope youíve enjoyed the show and we hope everyone listening has enjoyed it. From us all here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.