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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 February 1971)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you’ve just heard we’re delighted to welcome back somebody who’s been so successful before in competing against these three eager men, Andree Melly. Well Andree I’m sure you’re going to do just as well again. And may I remind you the rules are as before. I’m going to ask them each to speak if they can on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how successful they are regarding being challenged or not being challenged they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And let us begin this week with Andree Melly. Andree the subject that Ian’s chosen for you is unblocking the kitchen sink. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now. ANDREE MELLY: This is an absolutely disgusting thing to have to do. And the best implement is a kind of squeegee stick. It has a wooden handle and a rubber nozzle. And you place it over the sinkhole and move the stick up and down several times... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you. DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of stick. NP: Oh yes, I’m afraid you had too much stick there. So Derek Nimmo I agree with your challenge, you therefore gain a point and the subject, and 44 seconds left for unblocking the kitchen sink starting now. DN: I personally use a very long pipe cleaner. The same sort of thing that Kenneth Williams uses for his nostrils! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why? KENNETH WILLIAMS: I’m challenging on the grounds of er... NP: Of what? KW: Of obscenity, I think! I think it’s absolutely disgusting! I don’t go round shoving pipe cleaners down the sink! NP: It’s probably disgusting but is there anything else within the rules of the game that he may be doing? Why else are you challenging? KW: Deviation, I don’t put pipe cleaners down the sink! DN: But I said up your nostrils! NP: Well I’m afraid... KW: Well I have done that so he’s right! NP: Oh there we are yes! I think you actually established on this programme that you were capable of doing that. So there we are Kenneth, I disagree with your challenge which means Derek gets another point. He keeps the subject and there are 37 seconds left for unblocking the kitchen sink starting now. DN: To this er... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly you’ve challenged. AM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, I agree Andree. So you gain a point, you get the subject back, there are 35 and a half seconds for unblocking the kitchen sink starting now. AM: The louder the scludge noise as you do it, the more successful you’re being. However if it doesn’t work completely take a washing up mop, turn it upside down, and stick the solid end of the object down the hole... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why? DN: Repetition of end and hole. NP: Yes that is correct. So Derek you gain a point and you have 20 seconds left for unblocking the kitchen sink starting now. DN: What I do is I always tear away that large U-bend underneath, get hold of that, throw it out the window, and it’s totally... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you’ve challenged, why? KW: You’d never tear away the S-bend! You’d have to unscrew it, you could never tear it! Not even a man with your kind of strength. Therefore it is deviation and I challenge on the grounds of deviation. NP: I want to be utterly fair to Derek on this. Obviously I agree with you Kenneth and you couldn’t personally tear it away. But he might say afterwards "ah but I meant get a whole group of men in". So let the audience be the judge. If you agree with Kenneth’s challenge will you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: The boos won it, I’m afraid! So Derek has a point, 14 seconds left Derek for you to continue starting now. DN: Of course if it is only slightly blocked, you can shove a finger down, squirch it round a bit and bring out those old hair clips. They’re always falling out of my head and down they go... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged? AM: Repetition, two downs. NP: Two downs, yes. DN: Absolutely right! Jolly well done! NP: Andree you’ve got another point and there are three seconds for unblocking the kitchen sink starting now. AM: Take the piece of wire and squiggle it about and then... WHISTLE NP: Our audience suddenly came to life, because they realised then, because they probably hadn’t known before, that when the whistle goes, 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Andree Melly, and she and Derek Nimmo both have four points at the end of the first round, and the other two have yet to score. In fact one is yet to speak, and.... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I’m referring to Clement Freud, of course. Derek Nimmo to begin, the subject chosen for you is aerobatics. Would you talk for 60 seconds about it starting now. DN: On a July day, walking across the tarmac, I climbed into my Tiger Moth, pulled down my helmet, my head, shout "contact" to the mechanic and start the plane going. We taxi slowly down the runway... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why? CLEMENT FREUD: Ah deviation. NP: Why? CF: Well first of all because I haven’t spoken tonight. And secondly because he was in his Tiger Moth on his own and WE taxi down the runway! KW: Oh brilliant! DN: It’s the royal we, the royal we. NP: (laughs) The royal Nimmo we, but I think actually it’s a very clever challenge, isn’t it. And he did establish he was in his alone, and said we taxied. So that is deviation, yes. CF: Mmmm. NP: So Clement you have a point and you have 46 seconds for aerobatics starting now. CF: You jump into your Cessna, pull your helmet over your head, shout "contact" and taxi... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Deviation, if you were in a Cessna you wouldn’t need a helmet. APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You wouldn’t need a helmet, but this is the problem that I have. You could wear a helmet, couldn’t you? DN: No! NP: Why not? DN: Well you could wear one, you could wear a tin hat in a lavatory, couldn’t you! I mean honestly... NP: All right! Ah the royal we was a tough one against you Derek, so I’ll be tough with Clement here and give it... what do you want to say about it Clement? CF: Well it’s normal safety procedure! NP: Well that’s what I... put it to the audience then! Here’s your chance again, will you please be the judge? If you agree with Derek’s challenge, will you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now. CF: Boo! CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: The boos down there won, the cheers up there are equal. All right, no points scored, because I think it was a draw. Clement Freud keeps the subject and there are 39 seconds left, aerobatics, starting now. CF: I then put it on automatic pilot and go to the back of the aeroplane where there’s a toilet in which I wear a tin hat... BUZZ LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN AND AUDIENCE NP: Kenneth Williams you’ve challenged, why? KW: Well, because I mean it’s disgusting! I don’t... NP: You mean wearing a tin, tin hat in the toilet is disgusting? KW: Absolutely disgraceful! And devious and nothing to do with aerobatics! This toilet in hat is just to do with foibles! CF: I say that’s the best way of starting aerobatics! NP: Yes! I would have thought so! I would have thought in the circumstances a tin hat might have been quite a good choice. So Clement Freud keeps the subject, continues with 32 seconds left starting now. CF: Round and alound we go... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well what’s alound? NP: So you, you challenge on deviation, do you? KW: Yes! NP: Yes! All right, I don’t think a, any plane to my knowledge has ever gone alound! So um Kenneth you have a point and you have the subject, 27 seconds for aerobatics Kenneth starting now. KW: As we loop the loop I... BUZZ NP: Oh dear, Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: A couple of loops. NP: A couple of loops. KW: No! It was looped the loop! L-E... Listen! You want to clear your earrolls out! Get those pipe cleaners! NP: All right! CF: What, after they’ve just been up your nose? KW: I have hardly spoken a word and they’re trying to get at me! NP: Kenneth has another point and there are 22 seconds for aerobatics starting now. KW: Though I did not give way! I kept my countenance, I remained.... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams, ah, Clement Freud has challenged. CF: There were three Is there, very... NP: I know, but we’re not counting it. So Derek, Kenneth has another point and there are 17 seconds for aerobatics starting now. KW: And the pilot said to me afterwards "though we did those incredible things, spinning in the air, you stayed calm, have you done it before?" "Nooooooo," I cried... BUZZ NP: (laughs) Derek Nimmo has challenged. KW: That’s the third time! DN: Deviation, repetition, he’s done it before. NP: I think what he said was the, the other chap said to him "have you done it before?" And therefore he’s not repeating. Oh he was repeating the phrase, of course, yes! I’m so sorry! I thought it was the action you were referring to, I do apologise. Of course yes, the phrase has been repeated so Derek gets a point and there are seven seconds for aerobatics Derek starting now. DN: Double flips and back rolls are my own particular speciality. I grab hold of my joystick, plunge it forward... WHISTLE NP: On this occasion Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, so he gains the extra point and he now has a lead over all the others at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin. Kenneth, the subject that Ian has chosen for you is Heinrich Schwartzberg. You’ve obviously registered the name, you’ve maybe thought of something to say about him and you have 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well this is the name he was born with, of course, in Schleswig-Holstein. But in his English period he was known as Blackwood. And it is as such that he is remembered, notably for his works on behalf of neurotic rabbits! They were unable to burrow their own holes and so he invented this machine that would do it for them. The problem was to get them attracted to it, so that they would follow the work that it performed. And this was achieved by putting a substance on the actual instrument which smelled of their mates! Then... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. KW: ... down the holes they went.... Here! What a... I’ve only just started! NP: Ah... KW: Who challenged me? NP: Clement Freud, once you mentioned... KW: What a nerve! NP: Once you brought sex into it, Clement Freud challenged. KW: Oh! NP: What’s your challenge? CF: It’s deviation from Heinrich Schwartzberg. KW: It’s, the whole point of his life’s work! CF: And a repetition of hole. If you must have... NP: No, you, you, your first challenge was deviation from Heinrich Schwartzberg, well why? CF: Because he never talked about Heinrich Schwartzberg. He talked about.. KW: I talked about his life’s work, you great nit! CF: He talked, he talked... He talked about the Blackwood theorem! NP: Yes but he established that Blackwood was the name under which he worked in this country which was the... CF: But the subject is not describe the work of Blackwood, the subject is Heinrich Schwartzberg. DN: Quite right! NP: And you maintain he has deviated from it? CF: Of course. NP: Well I disagree. So the subject is with Kenneth Williams and he has eight seconds left starting now. APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE BUZZ NP: And Clement, Derek Nimmo’s challenged you. DN: Hesitation. KW: I haven’t... wait! NP: And as the audience wouldn’t let him, if you’re going to challenge on such an ungallant thing as that because the audience were clapping.... DN: Why do I have to... NP: Excellent decision of mine! Kenneth Williams gets another point and there are six seconds for Heinrich Schwartzberg starting now. KW: The other thing that happened during his period in England... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged, why? CF: Repetition of period. NP: Yes you did establish the other period earlier on, his English period... CRIES OF "AWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: So Clement Freud has very cleverly in, alas. Much to the disappointment of the audience and everybody else. Just before the end, there are three seconds left, Heinrich Schwartzberg starting now. CF: The first time I met Heinrich Schwartzberg was in a beer cellar... WHISTLE NP: So Clement Freud gets the extra point once again, for speaking while the whistle went. And I must explain now why I gave that challenge earlier on, against Clement Freud. Because as far as Ian Messiter and I know, there is no such living person as Heinrich Schwartzberg and Kenneth did jolly well to keep going with such utter rubbish! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Clement Freud it is your turn to begin, the subject is time. Can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now. CF: Downing his dark lager in one gulp, Heinrich turned to the barman and said "may I have yet another glass?" to which the aforesaid gentleman replied ":time", this being a common cry to denote the fact that he was no longer serving his clientele or customers as many people like to have it. But time is now very much in our minds, because the 10 hour clock is about to be upon us and this is about to become... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, there’s no such thing as the 10 hour clock. NP: I agree with your challenge Kenneth and there are 26 seconds left starting now. KW: Time on my hands and you in my arms are words that seem strangely applicable... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud’s challenged. CF: Words can’t seems. Deviation. NP: Words... CF: Words can only seem. NP: I don’t understand the challenge I’m sorry. Words... CF: Are words that seems! KW: I didn’t, I said are words that seem strangely applicable. CF: Seems! NP: Well I’m sorry, it sounded perfectly all right to me. CF: Did it? Not from here, it didn’t! NP: He probably ran two words together. CF: I’m sitting closer than you are! NP: So... CF: You know, in football matches they decide the person who’s closest to play has the best view! NP: But it doesn’t mean to say the person closest has the best ears! CF: No, no... NP: And also he can obviously, when he’s trying to keep going under difficult conditions, if some of his words happen to run slightly together it is not deviation. There are 17 seconds for time Kenneth starting now. KW: Time hangs heavy... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. Why? DN: Repetition of hangs. NP: Where’d he... he didn’t say hangs before, he didn’t say hangs. DN: He didn’t? I thought he did. NP: No, no, no. DN: What was the first time? NP: Kenneth has... KW: I said time on my hands and you in my arms! DN: So sorry! KW: I wish it was happening right now! NP: Fourteen seconds for time Kenneth starting now. KW: A broiled... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly’s challenged. AM: A he, a hesitation for a broiled! NP: Yes we don’t know what his broiled was! KW: I was going to say a broiled chicken, but she just interrupted me! So... NP: It’s amazing! He said one word, two words, a broiled and he er... Kenneth you have another point... KW: I was about to start saying a broiled chicken needs so much time to be cooked. She’s ruined it all! NP: All that happens is you’ve got another point, you see. KW: She’s deliberately doing it to put me off! They’re all doing it! (in tears) I’ve had it! I’m not joking! I’m not... NP: I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t worry so far Kenneth... KW: (in tears) You come out in the pouring rain and everything, and you try to do your best... NP: So far you’ve got a commanding lead with all their intimidation! KW: (in tears) What am I going to do? I mean am I supposed to go on? NP: You’ve got to try and go on if you can... oh keep your pecker up! KW: (in tears) Well I mean, you don’t know... NP: Don’t go to pieces Kenneth! Twelve seconds, time starting now. KW: (in tears) HG Wells dealt with this subject magnificently in an article which he published in The Spectator in the year 1935. And he said there were aspects... WHISTLE NP: Well time, the 10 hour clock has given Kenneth Williams a commanding lead at the end of the round over all the others who are fairly equal in second place by the way. Andree your turn to begin again, the last time I broke the law. Can you talk to us about that starting now. AM: What an absolutely rotten thing to talk about! BUZZ NP: Yes! Clement Freud’s challenged you. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: It’s nothing to do with breaking the law. KW: Yes it is! It’s rotten! NP: But she’s still entitled to say apropos of the last time I broke the law what a rotten thing to talk about, but the last time I did it, so-and-so. She’s entitled to say that as a way of starting. CF: Then give her a point! NP: I’m going to give her a point. (laughs) Have you given her a point? IAN MESSITER: Yes. NP: Right, Andree you have another point of course and 57 seconds for the last time I broke the law starting now. AM: Because once this broadcast’s over, I might be arrested and carted off to jail. But I will tell you about a last time I broke the law which was when I was 12, with my friend Isabel Ross. When we were at school in Liverpool and used to pinch from Woolworth’s. The... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes, Once she’d came out with that truth, which is very... honest of you. But Kenneth got you on hesitation, he has a point and there are 40 seconds for the last time I broke the law Kenneth starting now. KW: I have never done it so I can’t discuss it. BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: That’s a clever challenge, on this occasion I agree Clement. So you get the point and the subject, 37 seconds, the last time I broke the law starting now. CF: It’s an extraordinary thing but I went to Paddington to see the Inspector of Taxes who was rather worried about my income tax return. And when I went up to the third floor, there was this gentleman called Protheroe who had oil in his hands which he rubbed in order to get all his fingers thoroughly mechanically perfect... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged you, why? AM: You didn’t hear the buzz... NP: No... AM: ..it was just about to happen! And it didn’t! NP: Oh I see, you anticipated it. Well I’m afraid all that happens Andree is that because you did anticipate and the light came on, Clement Freud, you interrupted him, he gets a point and there are 14 seconds for the subject Clement starting now. CF: It was dark on the beach and I crept up to the policeman holding my penknife above my head... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, he was discussing the last time he broke the law, we began in Paddington and now we’re on a beach creeping up in the dark! He can’t have two last times! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: A very good challenge. In between Andree’s challenge he couldn’t have gone out and done that other act. So the last time can’t be two, twice. Kenneth... CF: No! NP: Can you justify that really Clement? CF: Yes! NP: How? CF: Because it was Protheroe on the beach. NP: Oh! No I won’t have it, no! CF: The scene moved... NP: You established, you’d established Protheroe was on the third floor of the income tax office in Paddington! CF: Yes! NP: No, no! CF: He got promoted! NP: They’ll do anything to try and get their points! No, Kenneth I agree with your challenge, there are eight seconds, sorry, seven seconds, for the last time I broke the law starting now. KW: I was very young and I carried off... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, he’s already established he’s never broken the law. NP: He’s now got to try and talk on... DN: He said, he said that he’s never broken the law. NP: All right but he’s now going to talk on the subject which is on the card, the last time I broke the law. Now he could take that and say it was apropos of somebody else, he can take it any way he wishes, as long as he keeps going without hesitating... CF: I took it any way I wished and I didn’t get a point! NP: Ah but you deviated because you could not break the law twice.. CF: He’s deviated... KW: You’ve got no business to argue with the chairman! It’s an absolute disgrace isn’t it! He’s always doing it! You’ve got to recognise proper authority in the country! NP: The last time I broke the law, Kenneth, six seconds starting now. KW: Well I did pinch a carrot when I was seven... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Well deviation, he already, you already accepted the remark that he made... NP: Now that I agree, I agree with you now because he established before that he’d never broken the law and now you say you pinched a carrot, which you see is a breaking the law... KW: Well I was telling lies! It’s perfectly reasonable! He’s told loads of lies on this programme! NP: Oh you see... KW: Look at him! Look at his face! He’s gone red! He knows it’s true! Do you deny it, Nimmo? Do you deny? You’ve never told lies? NP: There we are! So obviously... KW: Yes! Look at him! Completely non-pulsed he is, innee? NP: I quite agree actually. In this particular game I’m sure they often tell lies in order to keep going and I, I’ve correctly gone against Derek on that. But on this occasion Kenneth established that he hadn’t, and now he established that he pinched. So deviation. Derek you have a point, four and a half seconds left starting now. DN: The last time I broke the law when I, I found the... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes I’m afraid so. There are two seconds for you Clement, the last time I broke the law starting now. CF: Opening his ledger... WHISTLE NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. But Kenneth has increased his lead at the end of that round because he also gained some more points. And Clement’s just in second, no, he is way behind in second place, one point ahead of Derek who is one point ahead of Andree. Kenneth your turn to begin, bravura. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well this really is mainly used in the musical sense. It’s an Italian term and means to be executed with expertise, something of a flourish, a little panache perhaps. And would be applicable to my style. Anything that I do is done with such elan that people are staggered and they fall back and cry out "oooooohh what bravura he’s got?" In fact they’ve often said "show us more of it!" And I have had difficulty in controlling their patience over this prowess of mine. But of course it would be... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of of course. NP: All right, so you have another point Clement and there are 16 seconds for bravura starting now. CF: If you went into the desert with a toothbrush and attempted therewith to kill a lion, it might well be called bravura. Because it is the most futile gesture, unlikely to succeed, and in fact... desperately... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. I agree... CF: I freely admit it! NP: And so you’ve got in just before the end and Andree there are two seconds for bravura starting now. AM: And if I were you, I wouldn’t do this... WHISTLE NP: I’m afraid we have no more time, doesn’t 30 minutes go quickly! Sixty seconds seems to take much longer, doesn’t it. So let me give you the final score. Andree Melly coming in with a rush at the end, gaining an extra point when the whistle went, came in third place equal with Derek Nimmo. And they were just behind Clement Freud who was four points behind this week’s winner, Kenneth Williams! KW: Oh! Bravo! Bravo! NP: So once again, once again Kenneth’s bravura took him into the lead and kept him there and he’s won once more. He’s just been round congratulating everybody else and giving them all a great big hug as he’s so overjoyed at the idea. KW: It’s exhilarating isn’t it. It so seldom happens to me! NP: Oh it happens quite a lot. Anyway we’ve been exhilarated playing Just A Minute so thank you very much for coming. We hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and from all of us here good-bye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett. |
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