JAM:PMerton,PJones,KHesketh-Harvey,JEclair
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, PETER JONES, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY and JENNY ECLAIR, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 February 1995)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more itís my pleasure to welcome the four diverse personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back two of the regular players of the game and that is Peter Jones and Paul Merton. And two whoíve only played it infrequently before, thatís Jenny Eclair and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. Will you please welcome all four of them. As usual Iím going to ask them all to speak if they can in turn on the subject that I give them. And they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Liz Trott whoís going to keep the score and blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from Lincoln and weíre in a magnificent building called The Lawn. Actually Iíve been told itís called The Lawns Visiting Centre. Iíve also been told it used to be an asylum so I can understand now why theyíve asked us to do Just A Minute here. Well we hope thereís no significance! Anyway Paul Merton would you take the first round and the subject is playing the fool. What better in an asylum! Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

PAUL MERTON: The fool in King Lear is one of Shakespeareís greatest creations. None but the fool who labours throughout Jestyís masterís heart-struck injuries. I did it for A-level, thatís how I know it! I think itís a very difficult part for an actor to play because itís a very complex role...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey, youíve challenged.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Well were there two veries there?

PM: There were.

NP: Yes, you said very before in different sentences.

PM: Yes.

NP: Kit you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject, you have 45 seconds available for playing the fool starting now.

KHH: It is a very difficult part to play because you spend the whole of Act Three stark naked, covered in wode, being pelted by rain in King Learís armpit. Not a good place to be after three heavy acts! However...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny Eclair challenged.

JENNY ECLAIR: Act.

KHH: No, no, Iíd said act but then I hesitated because I was just making sure I was saying acts rather than act.

JE: He did hesitate as well...

KHH: Yes I did hesitate, I confess! A faux pas!

JE: He did hesitate but I didnít notice somehow! Tell me!

NP: Jenny I have to take your first challenge, he said act and acts. So that was your first challenge...

JE: Oh!

NP: I have, I have to try and be fair to everybody who plays the game. And really those are the rules, that you know, you canít have a subsequent challenge if you donít get the first one right. So Kit an incorrect challenge, you get a point for that, you keep the subject, 34 seconds, playing the fool starting now.

KHH: There can be very few parts that both Richard Briers...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny, yes?

JE: Parts.

NP: Parts, thatís right.

KHH: I said parts.

NP: You said it before. Well done Jenny...

KHH: Too many parts.

NP: ...it doesnít matter, you get in, you see.

JE: Iím glad!

NP: Yes, 32 seconds are available for you to tell us something about playing the fool starting now.

JE: Personally I think Shakespeareís fools were rubbish and I donít find them at all funny. But whenever I watch Shakespeareís plays, oh Iíve said Shakespeareís twice... oh...

BUZZ

JE: Oh no!

NP: Paul Merton challenged first. Paul you got in first on Shakespeare and 26 seconds for you to tell us something more about playing the fool starting now.

PM: Itís a very difficult instrument... oh...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: Iím sorry, he just foundered completely and he was doing so well! I was interested to hear his eloquence.

PM: I know, I was fascinated to try and get the words out!

NP: Another correct challenge so another point to you Kit, you take over the subject, 24 seconds, playing the fool starting now.

KHH: What a happy little chappie he looked in his motley and his pointy hat with its bells on it, his little pigís bladder with which he bops people as he passes. WB Yeats of course relied very heavily on the figure of the fool as the antithesis of the rose in his poetry. However I do not know white, what he meant by all this, um...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, white what he meant?

NP: Yes I think it was deviation from English as it is spoke.

PM: Iím hardly one to talk, well I canít talk!

NP: But Paul, another correct challenge, another point, and seven seconds available, playing the fool, starting now.

PM: Norman Wisdom had, er...

BUZZ

NP: Youíre cracking Paul!

PM: I am! I canít get a sentence out!

NP: So five seconds with you Kit, playing the fool, starting now.

KHH: Truth is a dog, must be whipped to the kennel!

BUZZ

NP: Jenny er...

JE: I donít think thatís got anything to do with fools.

KHH: Oh help me!

JE: Heís showing off!

KHH: No, no, no, itís er...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KHH: He says it! He says it in King Lear!

NP: Kit..

KHH: He does! He does! Truth is a dog, he said!

PM: Yes! He says it!

NP: Jenny, it doesnít matter, you can show off as much as you like in Just A Minute, people do. he was correct because that was a quotation from the Fool in King Lear...

JE: As if youíd know, Nicholas!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PETER JONES: Heís not even using his own material!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM PM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Three seconds are available for you Kit on playing the fool starting now.

KHH: Mr John Selwyn Gummer, the Member for..

WHISTLE

NP: Say no more, the applause tells us everything! Right, Kit Hesketh-Harvey was speaking as the whistle went and whoever is doing that gains an extra point. And at the end of that round, Kit has gained a number of points, heís got a commanding lead over all the others. Peter Jones...

PJ: Terribly unfair, I think! I think you ought to have a steroid test!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right, Peter Jones, itís your turn to begin. The subject is Abraham Lincoln. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth a new nation dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PJ: ...and then he went on...

PM: Well he complained about somebody else using somebody elseís material! Heís ripped off Abraham Lincolnís Gettysburg Address here!

PJ: I was taking my cue from you! Because nobody paid any attention to my complaint!

NP: So anyway I think he wasnít deviating because it was associated with Abraham Lincoln. So...

PJ: Associated with him! My God!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM PM AND APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE

NP: Peter you have a point, incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, 50 seconds avable, available, available, I canít even speak now. Abraham Lincoln starting now.

PJ: Well I wonít get into the rather long middle section, not because I canít remember it, but because it may go over the minute. But it does end with the idea of...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PJ: ...ah.. Government of the people, by the people, for...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Paulís challenged! Paul Merton has challenged you Peter.

PJ: Heís dared to interrupt those magic words!

PM: I thought Iíd challenge before you got Government for the people, by the people!

NP: He did an anticipatory challenge which has never happened before. So what do I do? Is that what your challenge was?

PM: No the repetition was because.

NP: Yes you did say because twice.

PJ: Did I?

NP: Yes I noticed that, so I must be fair, Paul you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course, 43 seconds are available, Abraham Lincoln starting now.

PM: Of course the old joke goes somebody says to Mrs Lincoln "well apart from that, how did you enjoy the play?"

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: The trip to the theatre was a bit of a disaster. They watched the performance of a show called Our American Cousin which has never again been repeated on the American stage...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Sorry, there were two Americans there.

NP: There were two Americans.

PM: Was there?

NP: American cousin and American stage.

KHH: Iím sorry! There you have it!

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey, another point to you, 26 seconds available for you to tell us something about Abraham Lincoln starting now.

KHH: Abraham Lincoln, statesman, emancipator of the slaves, and fashion victim! For he it was who first devised the little goatee beard which is now seen on the denizens of old Compton Street in Londonís Soho. When he was felled by the bullet of the madman Wilks Booth who came into his theatre box and emptied...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Why is he talking like Derek Nimmo?

LONG APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KHH: Weíre in an asylum! Weíre in an asylum!

PM: Is it some sort of contractual agreement or something?

NP: Probably because Derekís played the game so often he fancies itís a better way to keep going, I donít know. But anyway Paul, what weíll do to be fair, the audience enjoyed your challenge so we give you a bonus point for that. but Kit Hesketh-Harvey gets a point for being interrupted. He has seven seconds to continue on Abraham Lincoln starting now.

KHH: Born in Kentucky, I believe. A backwoodsman who numbered log chopping and boat handling (starts to laugh)...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Yes. Lost I think would be more apt! Two seconds, Paul, Abraham Lincoln starting now.

PM: Of course he was famous for building the log cabin he was born in!

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Both he and Kit Hesketh-Harvey have gained a lot of points in that round. Kitís in the lead, Paul comes second and then Peter and Jenny equal in third place. Jenny itís your turn to begin and the subject is horror films. Will you tell us something about that genre in this game starting now.

JE: It would be very easy for me to play the part of a beast in a horror film. All Iíd need to do is take my makeup off. Oh what a frightening sight I am! Very scary indeed! I am a cus, a dabbler in cosmetics, ladies and gent... mmm...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you got in.

JE: Ohh!

KHH: She got tangled in her lipgloss, poor girl!

NP: Yes!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Another point Kit, 48 seconds, horror films starting now.

KHH: Frankly any film starring Bela Lagosi or Peter Cushing, later Witstable, bless him! Or Christopher lee leave me squealing with laughter. No, what I find truly horrible are films with Ken Russell and Glenda Jackson working in tandem! When the future Labour MP for Hampstead bares all in Women In Love, or in The Music Lovers and waves and gyrates her withers at an unfeeling camera, my knuckles whiten, the back of my neck goes trickly and cold sweat spangles my brow! Oh take me away...

BUZZ

PM: (laughs) Heís doing it again!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís good stuff though, isnít it! Youíve got to admit it!

PM: Itís great!

NP: And this audience are enjoying it as well! Paul, he wasnít actually deviating, hesitating or repeating anything. So...

PM: No!

NP: He keeps horror films, 20 seconds Kit starting now.

KHH: Little Jimmy Osmond singing Long Haired Lover From Liverpool on Top Of The Pops...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Ah, well I had the challenge, but he just got in Top Of The Pops. I was saying he was deviating from horror films but he got to Top Of The Pops so...

NP: Yes.

PM: So I withdraw that challenge gracefully.

NP: He gets a point for being interrupted, Kit you continue, 16 seconds, horror films starting now.

KHH: What I find very horrific are the cameras that stop you speeding by the side...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Have we had cameras before?

NP: Yes we did.

KHH: Repetition of camera, Iím sorry.

NP: Glenda Jackson before the cameras, yes. Thirteen seconds left Paul for you to tell us something about horror films starting now.

PM: My favourite line in any horror film is the 1931 version of Dracula which has the exchange between the Count and Professor Von Housen and the... oh...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny challenged.

PJ: I got in then.

PM: The story needs Professor Von...

JE: He hesitated terribly badly.

NP: He did, but Jennyís buzzer went first Iím sorry Peter.

JE: My reflexes are a bit quicker because Iím younger! Ummm...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh! Oh!

KHH: God forgive you...

JE: What is the term now? Sorry!

PM: Is there going to be a fight?

NP: Jenny you know how to wound donít you! Right there are four seconds for you on horror films starting now.


JE: Sometimes a popular...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

PM: Yeah!

NP: Yes!

JE: Oh I didnít!

LONG APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

JE: All I did was breathe!

NP: I know but it was hoist on your own petard! He was showing he has got quicker reflexes than you! he got in before you even started!

JE: I was just going to say that...

NP: Peter got in, Peter you have three and a half seconds on horror films starting now.

PJ: I donít like them! Theyíre not really entertainment...

BUZZ

PJ: Would this be a more amusing...

NP: Jenny got in first.

JE: He hesitated.

NP: Yes he did. Right Jenny youíve got two and a half seconds on horror films starting now.

JE: I donít like them either!

BUZZ

NP: Peter you challenged, yes?

PJ: She er, what did she... what did she say....

NP: Well done Peter, youíve got one and a half seconds on horror films starting now.

PJ: What can I do with one and a half seconds?

WHISTLE

NP: Yes! Jenny Eclair and Peter Jones got points in that round and theyíve still equal and moving forward but they havenít caught up Kit and Paul yet. Kit your turn to begin, oh what a subject, training a crab to walk forward.

KHH: What?

NP: Can you pause for thought I think first, then take, gird your verbal loins and forge into that one, 60 seconds starting now.

KHH: Because of my blameless moral rectitude of course, my acquaintance with crabs is not as intimate as that of Nicholas Parsons, for example! However should one wish to train a crab to walk forwards, the answer is to disguise oneself as a prawn with some seaweed and walk up and down in front of it blushing prettily and provocatively. If this fails, you can tie a piece of kennermeat to a... length of thread...

BUZZ

NP: Peter youíve challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, correct Peter. Thirty-seven seconds are available for you to tell us something about training a crab to walk forwards starting now.

PJ: Ian Messiter invented this game 30 or more years ago. And he still supplies the subjects. And itís my opinion that heís now lost his marbles!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Trying to train a crab to walk forwards would be trying to train a whippet to walk sideways!

BUZZ

PJ: Quite a waste of time and...

NP: Kit challenged.

PJ: ...probably youíd incur the wrath of your...

KHH: Oh no, no, youíre allowed to say walk, arenít you?

NP: Yes!

KHH: I beg your pardon, Iím sorry.

NP: Because walk is one...

KHH: I humbly beg your pardon.

NP: Just to remind the listeners, you can repeat the subject on the card and Kit challenged for walk and he did repeat it, but itís on the card. So Peter, an incorrect challenge, a point to you, you continue on that subject, 10 seconds starting now.

PJ: You see the idea would be to very cruel to the crab and that would incur the wrath of the Royal er Institute for er...

BUZZ

PJ: ... blah blah, whatever it was...

NP: Royal Institute for the Preservation of Fish.

PJ: Is that it?

NP: No, I just thought it might get a laugh! But it didnít! Kit...

PJ: Who challenged?

NP: Kit Hesketh...

PJ: Was it Derek Nimmo over there or...

NP: The Derek Nimmo voice alike!

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: Kit, four seconds for you on training a crab to walk forward starting now.

KHH: In training a crab to walk forward, it is just as well to furnish yourself with stuff out of the garden...

WHISTLE

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey got more points including one for speaking as the whistle went and heís surging forward with a strong lead at the end of the round. Paul Merton your turn to begin, the subject is space hoppers.

KHH: (laughs)

NP: Do you think it just funny or just that Paul should have the subject? Anyway thatís the subject Paul, 60 seconds starting now.

PM: I suppose the most effective space hoppers are aeroplanes because they hop from one country to another land mass. And this is a very succinct and quick way of travelling around...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you...

KHH: It wasnít succinct or quick, really, was it? No, deviation.

NP: Why?

KHH: Iím sorry, I thought he said this is a very succinct and quick, and then he got out of it. And I was going to say it wasnít very succinct or quick. He was floundering horribly...

PJ: We donít...

KHH: I wish I were dead! I wish I was in a little box!

PJ: Kit youíre blithering! Youíre blithering!

KHH: Sorry, yes Iím blithering!

NP: Youíre trying too hard actually. So Paul an incorrect challenge, a point to you, 48 seconds, space hoppers starting now.

PM: They were popular in the 1970s. They were made out of rubber and you inflated them and you bounced up and down the street on them. They had little horns sticking out of the top and you used to sit on them. they were shaped like kangaroos, some of them and bounce... all the way down...

BUZZ

PM: Bounce bounce bounce!

NP: Jenny Eclair challenged.

JE: Bounce bounce bounce.

NP: Yes, Jenny youíve got in on bounce and 36 seconds available, space hoppers starting now.

JE: My only mode of transport when I was a teenager. Off Iíd go to discoes on my space hopper. And you used to clatch on to them. It was very good for the inner thigh muscles. In fact if I hadnít swapped my um... what was it called then?

BUZZ

NP: Kit yes.

KHH: She stopped! She stopped.

NP: Kit yes hesitation yes, all right.

JE: I completely forgot what I was talking about!

PM: Funny that! It happens, doesnít it.

PJ: I wasnít listening!

NP: Kit, 27 seconds on space hoppers starting now.

KHH: What is curious is if you look at the face on the front of a space hopper, it looks not unlike Jenny Eclairís happy optimistic chipmunk sort of face thatís very encouraging...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of face.

NP: Two faces there yes. So Paul, a correct challenge, another point, 19 seconds, space hoppers starting now.

PM: Iíll never forget Vera and George Spacehopper! What a charming bunch of neighbours they were! They used to lean across the garden fence and shout "coooeeee" and other kind of sort ribald... ohhhh I donít know!

BUZZ

PM: You sort of lose confidence, donít you?

NP: Peter you got in with a correct challenge of hesitation.

PJ: Hesitation yes.

NP: And youíve got eight seconds on space hoppers starting now.

PJ: Theyíre really stowaways on space ships. And they canít hide in lifeboats because they donít have any on this particular vehicle...

WHISTLE

NP: Right! So Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went and has moved forward. Heís still in third place, Paulís in second place, Kitís in the lead and Jennyís trailing a little. Peter Jones itís your turn to begin, where I took my holiday, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PJ: Oh it was a wonderful place! All the landladies were beautiful, young... and the traffic wardens...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny you challenged.

JE: He was hesitating and lying!

NP: No! I donít think he did either actually. Fifty-five seconds still available to you Peter on where I took my holiday starting now.

PJ: And the traffic wardens actually find...

BUZZ

NP: Jenny you challenged.

JE: Repetition of traffic wardens.

NP: I know but that was after you buzzed actually.

JE: Was it?

NP: Yes.

JE: Youíre being very pedantic Nicholas!

NP: I know, I have to be fair. Because if I wasnít, Peter would be upset because I...

PJ: No I wouldnít, I would never...

JE: (laughs) Peter couldnít care less!

NP: Fifty-three seconds, where I took my holiday Peter starting now.

PJ: They help you to find places to park. And the food is just absolutely out of this world! And itís terribly cheap, you pay hardly anything at all really. And Iím not going to tell you...

BUZZ

PJ: ...where it is!

NP: Jenny challenged.

JE: Is that, he hasnít told us where it is and heís just then there was a big hesitation.

NP: He definitely hesitated, yes Jenny, youíre quite right and you have a point for that and you have 41 seconds to tell us something about where I took my holidays starting now.

JE: Well I didnít take a holiday this year. Thatís why Iím in such a nervous state and Iíve got skin condition problems and um Iím in a bit of a state...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

JE: And Iím about to have a nervous breakdown!

KHH: Sorry, there was an um.

JE: What?

KHH: There was an um.

NP: Yeah but it was such a rushed um that Iím not going to allow it.

KHH: Okay you carry on.

JE: So mean!

PJ: Steady on!

KHH: I want to know...

PJ: She is having a nervous breakdown!

NP: Yes! Well sheís come to the right place, this used to be an asylum!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thirty-five seconds, still with you Jenny, where I took my holiday starting now.

JE: The last time I went on holiday, I went to the north of Majorca. Actually nicer than people think. But unfortunately we went with another family. What a mistake! You always think you know people but until you go on holiday with them...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

JE: ... you donít really. It was awful! We all fell out and nobodyís talking to each other any more! I tried to kill my best friendís son!

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I know you get very carried away but Paul did challenge quite a while back. Paul?

PM: Repetition of went.

NP: You went. You went to the first time you went on my holiday and the second time you started you went on your holiday. Sorry Jenny, 26 seconds for you Paul, where I took my holiday starting now.

PM: Well I decided to take my holiday to Spain. Because it hadnít had a holiday itself for quite a long while. And it had a wonderful time! A fortnight curled up in a deckchair. The time of its life. It would eat all kinds of things like crisps, prawn crackers, nuts of all sorts of descriptions, and sip the most delicious drinks, the most wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: There were two the mosts.

PM: There were.

NP: Yes there were, there were indeed. Six seconds, Kit you got in cleverly with only six seconds to go, where I took my holiday starting now.

KHH: We went to Thailand, to the islands of Crapee, Peepee and Pooh. But when we...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: (laughs) Paul challenged. And your challenge Paul?

PM: Repetition of pee.

NP: Yes!

KHH: (laughs) Itís one word!

NP: Youíve actually given me a dilemma because I know itís one word, thatís the name of the island. But we play this on the verbal sounds.

KHH: I see! Oh well!

NP: So Peepee id repetition isnít it.

KHH: There you go!

NP: So I think within the rules of Just A Minute, we have to say youíve got a correct challenge Paul, three seconds, where I took my holiday starting now.

PM: I went to Thuket once, I donít know how you pronounce it but thatís how I do!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gained another point, as well as others in the round, moved forward. Heís only two points behind our leader whoís still Kit Hesketh-Harvey. Jenny your turn to begin, the subject is sun-dried tomatoes. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

JE: Interestingly enough, some vegetarian friends of mine left some sun-dried tomatoes in my cupboard recently. Oohh, I thought, I canít wait...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, thatís not interesting at all!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

JE: Wait! Wait!

NP: The thing is Paul, it may not be interesting to you but it was obviously interesting to Jenny. So thatís how we interpret that.

PM: All right.

NP: And so she has another point for an incorrect challenge, 55 seconds sun-dried tomatoes starting now.

JE: Theyíre very healthy, you know. And sometimes I lob one at my daughter. She says "what is this muck, mother? Give me some e-numbers, you witch from hell!" And you know, sun-dried tomatoes if you soak them become plump and luscious, unlike me. If I have a dip in a bath for a few hours I become wrinkly and red like a sun-dried tomato...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of become.

JE: Oh.

NP: Yes you become, yes.

JE: Fine, Paul!

NP: Yes! Forty seconds, Paul, sun-dried tomatoes starting now.

PM: It sounds like an obscure headline in a newspaper. Sun Dried Tomatoes. In the same way that I always thought that Chicken Fried Rice should be some sort of words on the front of a publication...

BUZZ

NP: Kit has challenged you.

KHH: There were, there was sort ofs, some sort of.

NP: Yes there were two sort ofs.

PM: Oh yes.

NP: Yes. So Kit you listened well...

PM: Very true.

NP: And youíve got 27 seconds to tell us something...

PM: Couldnít agree more!

NP: Sun-dried tomatoes starting now.

KHH: Delia Smith of course raves about them. Personally I think they taste foul, of old library books. And the texture is that of bedroom slippers. And if you try to pull them out of their jar, oil dribbles right up your sleeve and all the way down the road to Islington which is where theyíre mostly consumed, by Tony Blair, I should think, and his ilk! However...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I didnít know Tony Blair had an elk!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Where he does keep it?

NP: In the Shadow Cabinet!

PM: Have the press got hold of this?

NP: Right, Paul we loved the challenge, we give you a bonus point for that. But actually Kit wasnít deviating, hesitating or repeating anything. So he keeps the subject, he gets a point for being interrupted, 13 seconds, sun-dried tomatoes, starting now.

KHH: Theyíre believed to be full of the flavour of Italy, the best tomatoes left to ripen in that beating Tuscan sun. They taste of Helena Bonham Carter, they taste of, oh dear! Iíve done it twice!

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

JE: He tasted twice. He was thinking about Helena Bonhan Carter!

NP: I know! Three seconds, sun-dried tomatoes Jenny starting now.

JE: Iíve absolutely nothing to say about sun-dried tomatoes, I canít bear them...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: In that case, donít say it. Er deviation I thought.

NP: She can still say she never said it within Just A Minute...

JE: Letís not have this bother. I said it on the whistle, I think I won the round!

NP: Thatís right. So you were interrupted with half a second to go, another point for an incorrect challenge...

JE: Oh fantastic!

NP: And you have half a second to go on sun-dried tomatoes starting now.

JE: Sun-dried tomatoes...

WHISTLE

NP: So Jenny Eclair got two very quick points there, and sheís moved forward with equal place in third with Peter Jones. And theyíre both trailing Paul Merton and Kit Hesketh-Harvey in that order. And as we enter the last round...

PM: Mmmm.

NP: Paul itís your turn to begin. Toast, can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: First select your bread, fresh preferably. Pick it out of the packet, take it over to the toaster, slide it in the slot at the top, push the switch down on the side of the machine in which the bread now resides. If itís plugged in, youíll notice that the elements will begin to glow with the warmth which can only be described as heat. If you leave the bread in for long enough....

BUZZ

PM: Oh no!

NP: Yeah?

JE: He said bread twice.

NP: Yes he did say bread.

PM: Yes.

JE: He was being a bit smutty wasnít he? It was all like sexy wasnít it?

NP: Iíve never heard anybody make toast sexy before but he... 34 seconds are available for toast with you Jenny starting now.

JE: I like my toast gold and bendy so it doesnít snap into little smithereens all over the place. Drives me crazy when that happens! You know that for breakfast every time I have a toasted sandwich with beetroot in it. Iím that kind of girl...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition, every morning she has this for breakfast!

NP: I know!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It was a delightful challenge, but as she wasnít hesitating, repeating anything or deviating. So you get a point because we enjoyed the challenge, Jenny gets a point for being interrupted, she keeps toast and 25 seconds to tell us more about it starting now.

JE: Do you remember back in the 80s toasted sandwich makers were really fashionable but very dangerous indeed. Because if you heat up a sandwich in one of those machines, the cheese inside...

BUZZ

NP: And Kit challenged.

KHH: There were two sandwiches.

NP: There were two sandwiches Iím afraid Jenny.

JE: Oh yes.

NP: Yes there were yes. Eighteen seconds on toast with you Kit starting now.

KHH: In the seminal novel about Rugby school, Flashman, the school villain takes Tom Brown and stretches him out in front of the fireplace, bares his buttocks so that they turn lovely crispy golden brown coloured. And then taking a crumpet fork out, jabs it into the poor...

BUZZ

NP: Peter you challenged.

PJ: Well I thought that was rather sadistic!

NP: Yes! He said...

PJ: And he seemed to be enjoying it!

LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So deviation. Right, three seconds for you on toast Peter starting now.

PJ: Toast and marmalade, my favourite food, I really enjoy it...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Peter was again speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point in that last round. Itís actually much closer at the end than we thought because Kit took a commanding lead but the others all caught him up and only a point or two behind. Jenny Eclair got oh quite a lot of points, 16 actually, only two behind Peter Jones whoís only two behind Paul Merton and heís only two behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey. So as heís got most points we say he is the winner this week! Kit! It only remains for me to say thank you to our four brave panelists and also to Liz Trott whoís kept the score so well. And also to Ian Messiter who created the game and helps to keep us all in work, and our producer Anne Jobson. And me Nicholas Parsons. We hope you enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next time we take to the air and play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC