JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 19 October 1971)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again these four excellent exponents of the game are going to try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do it they will either gain points or their opponents will gain points. And if you donít already know the rules, the rest will become apparent as we play the game. Clement Freud will you begin the game for us this week. Well as the yoyo season is upon us, the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of for you to start the programme this week is playing with my yoyo. Sixty seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: When I got my first yoyo, the toy shop manager said "it is absolutely essential that you play this with your hands outside your pockets", a principle to which I have adhered ever since. I have run down streets and walked up alleyways, cantered along avenues and streaked on a motorbike...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?

PETER JONES: Deviation, cantering up avenues and everything, nothing to do with playing with his yoyo.

CF: Oh!

PJ: Heís avoiding things! He couldnít...

NP: Well you see the thing is you havenít seen Clement Freud canter, have you? And some people amy well describe...

PJ: No, but heís talking about not playing with his yoyo, rather than playing with it.

NP: Actually to be quite fair I got the impression that all the time he was cantering and dodging up these alleyways, which I must say with Clement Freud seems pretty dubious, he was actually playing with his yoyos at the same time. I must... I think itís a very good try but I must disagree with the challenge which means that Clement Freud gains a point and he keeps the subject and there are 38 seconds left for playing with my yoyo starting now.

CF: And all this time in the course of each of these pastimes my right finger had enveloped around it a small noose of string at the end of which hung a yoyo. Suspended would be another word for this. Up it went, and down. It collapsed to the floor and rose slowly into the air...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you have challenged. Why?

ANDREE MELLY: Deviation, if your yoyo collapses to the floor, it wonít come up again!

NP: I think thatís a very fair challenge.

CF: Well if you pull...

NP: Very clever! No, if it really collapses...

CF: I pull it!

NP: No but it doesnít actually come up again...

CF: You pull the string!

NP: No, no, no! You can pull it up but it will not come up again...

CF: I see!

NP: ...which is what you conveyed...

CF: I bow to your superior knowledge!

NP: Thank you very much! Itís so nice when theyíre so sporting for a change, isnít it! Andree I agree with your challenge, so you take a point and also the subject and there are 16 seconds for playing with my yoyo starting now.

AM: My yoyo is small and golden and furry and I keep it in a little box in the pantry...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged. Why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh Iím so bored! Awfully boring! Gold and furry!

NP: Well obviously youíre not a yoyo...

KW: What a load of rubbish! We know itís all lies! Deviation I think.

NP: Well Iím sorry, as bored as you may be Kenneth, Iím sorry, youíre obviously not a yoyo fan. I disagree with your challenge so Andree keeps the subject, she gains another point and there are nine seconds Andree for playing with my yoyo starting now.

AM: A charming little hamster, delightful...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: First of all we had the description, where sheís supposed to be playing with it, we had the description of the fur and the gold. And now we get the hamsters. Whatís it got to do with playing with yoyos? Itís deviation and you know it!

NP: All right, sheís gone on to hamsters, away from yoyos...

AM: But!

NP: What?

AM: Thatís his name!

NP: What?

AM: Yoyo!

KW: The subject is playing with it, not the names of hamsters, dear!

NP: Actually I do see her point. She was going to tell us...

KW: You may see her point, but I certainly donít! We should never have had women on the show in the first place! Ludicrous!

NP: I think Andree to be fair here, you didnít...

KW: Thank you! Quite right Nick! Very good judgement!

NP: Oh shut up Kenneth!

KW: Very good judgement!

NP: You did not tell us in time that your hamster was called yoyo. So Kenneth managed to get in before that with a challenge which I agree. Six seconds for playing with my yoyo Kenneth starting now.

KW: Playing with my yoyo is something that thankfully I gave up many years ago, in turn for...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle which is blown by Ian Messiter, who sits beside me tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Kenneth Williams so he has a lead at the end of that round alongside Andree Melly...

KW: Oh!

NP: Andree your turn to begin, the subject friendship. Can you talk to us about...

KW: She wonít no much about that mate! I can tell you!

NP: Youíll get your chance Kenneth. Friendship Andree can you talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

AM: This is something we all need and value. The kindness and generosity of spirit of one fellow being for another. When you are speaking on a difficult subject like playing with your yoyo, to feel somebody by your side, is in sympathy. And wants you to win and get that extra point. This is real friendship. And I feel that I we... er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Actually, Peter Jones, I would have challenged her then. You said the man sitting beside you is in sympathy, wanting you to get the extra point. You werenít, you were trying to get one off her!

PJ: I know, I thought she was going to say something very interesting and I wanted her to go on!

NP: Clement Freud I agree with your challenge, so you gain a point, you take over the subject of friendship, there are 37 seconds left starting now.

CF: Friendship has been described as fellow feeling. Or to put it another way having Kenneth Williamsí hand on my knee again. This I find very pleasant and endearing. And many an evening...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Yes.

KW: Nothing to do with him!

NP: Kenneth sit down!

PJ: There must be ...

KW: Iíve had it on yours as well, so come off it!

NP: Well ah, yes...

PJ: Well he must be, describing his hand on his knee and everything!

NP: Heís going further than friendship, isnít he...

HOOTS OF LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Well...

NP: I quite agree!

CF: Jealousy is not a subject!

NP: I know! That was a good reply of yours Clement. But I agree with Peter Jonesí challenge so he gains a point and he takes over the subject of friendship and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Oscar Wilde said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, because he hadnít got going and heís new to the game...

CF: Of course he hasnít got going and thatís why itís hesitation!

NP: I know!

CF: If heíd got going it wouldnít be hesitation!

NP: As a member of the show, heís only, this is only his second...

CF: I see, different rules, you mean?

NP: Yes! At this moment there are different rules.

PJ: Iím supposed to start speaking when you say now, is that right? Right!

NP: Peter Jones has only been with the show once before, youíve been with it for three years now...

KW: Well letís have hearts and flowers in a minute!

NP: Peter Jones has a point, he keeps the subject of friendship, 23 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Oscar Wilde said that there is no friendship between men and women, there is love, enmity and passion but no friendship. And I always think that there is a great deal of truth in that. Though after what Andree Melly has just told me about her feelings about er what sheís thinking and what Iím er saying...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: I would have said with anyone else, it would have been hesitation. But...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND AUDIENCE

NP: I um... I hope Clement that you are playing for a laugh and that round of applause and not showing the unsporting feelings that youíre displaying. Because I agree with your challenge, there was a very definite hesitation...

CF: Good!

NP: I thought you were unsporting before in not letting Peter Jones get going. You have a point and five seconds for friendship Clement starting now.

CF: In the close tonight, 10 to make and a match to win, a bumping pitch and a blinding light...

WHISTLE

CF: Hadnít got a lot to do with friendship really!

NP: On that occasion Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went. So he gains the extra point which gives him a lead over Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams who are equal in third place. In other words...

KW: I may be losing but Iíve got lovely eyelashes!

NP: And I will say this Kenneth. Your eyelashes come over beautifully on radio.

KW: Thank you ever so much!

NP: Peter Jones your turn to begin and the subject weíve thought of is bangers. Can you go on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Iím not thinking of pork sausages, Iím thinking of rather old motorcars...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of I am thinking.

NP: He said Iím not thinking.

KW: Ahahaha! Caught you out, clever Dick! (laughs) How brilliant! (laughs like a hyena)

NP: Peter Jones has another point and there are 55 seconds left for bangers starting now.

CF: Seven words!

PJ: Rather old motorcars and they are often have very good engines. Iíd like the oldest motorcar that Iíve ever seen with a very modern...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of motorcar.

NP: That is right, yes. You, you got him going Clement. Itís very difficult sometimes, you get intimidated...

KW: He let you go on and on with your careering and your up and down your bloominí roads with your rotten old yoyo! You didnít give him a chance to get out of his old banger!

NP: I know!

KW: Itís a disgrace!

NP: Itís all um and ah...

KW: Youíre acrimonious, you are! Thatís your trouble! He is acrimonious isnít he?

NP: But I agree with that challenge so you gain a point Clement and you take over the subject of bangers and there are 47 seconds left starting now.

CF: I am not thinking of pork sausages. I am thinking...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I agree...

CF: (laughs)

NP: Peter Jones you have a point and there are 43 seconds for bangers starting now.

PJ: Practically everybody I know has this fantasy of driving a very old looking motorcar and passing all the other sleek vehicles because they are, thereís has a very...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged. Why?

AM: A sort of fall over hesitation.

NP: A fall over? You mean a hesitation or not a hesitation?

AM: A hesitation...

KW: It wasnít a fall over at all! He said there and then he said thereís. So there was no fall over at all. It was quite clear to me...

NP: It was hesitation!

PJ: I was only colouring the er...

KW: The description! Natural colouring! Natural colouring!

PJ: Yes it was.

NP: And he hesitated.

PJ: Trying to make it more exciting.

CF: He said motorcar for the third time!

PJ: I donít think I hesitated. No, I donít...

KW: No, Andree Mellyís jumping in people before they even have a chance!

PJ: Yes, quite!

KW: We should never have women...

CF: We oughtnít to have women on the show!

PJ: Itís got nothing to do with being a woman!

NP: Well theyíve all expounded themselves...

CF: Or men!

NP: ...beautifully now. Can we get on with the game because I agree with Andreeís challenge and she has...

PJ: Nothing to do with being a woman. Sheís trigger happy!

KW: Thatís right! Yes!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And she also has a point and she has 33 seconds to take over the subject of bangers starting now.

AM: Sausages can be delicious with mash. Or toad in the hole, this is something I remember from my childhood and we used to call them bangers. They were large, usually over-cooked, rather black round the edges and something that we had on Mondays at...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?

PJ: She hesitated. Before she said and and after! She hesitated twice. I gave her a chance the first time!

HUGE APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter Iím delighted to see that you now are seeing how the game is played! And I completely disagree with your challenge and Andree has a point and there are 16 seconds for bangers starting now.

AM: This is something that little boys like to do. Come up to you with two fingers pointed at you and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: This is family entertainment! Iím not listening to a load of filth! Pointing in this gesture, digital... Iím not going to say what she said, it was a digital reference. A digital reference is something! Iím not going to sit here! My mother brought me up decent! I had a cloistered life! I should be in the tolcher! Iím more at home in a monastery! I really am!

NP: You couldnít play Just A Minute in a monastery, you take a vow of silence in a monastery, youíd be useless there.

KW: Oh thatís Trappist dear!

NP: Well you get trapped frequently here. Andree Melly illustrated that two fingers were pointing, they were not what you were suggesting. And I must point out to the listeners as itís radio that she was actually pointing her two fingers as if they werre a gun. She was not deviating, she keeps the subject, there are 11 seconds for bangers Andree starting now.

AM: My small nephew said to me "letís go to the toy shop, I donít want a yoyo..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why did you challenge?

KW: The subject is bangers, not her small nephew. Sheís always dragging her relatives in! Always having something about her babies and all this regurgitation! We donít want it! Now look here...

NP: But her nephew wanted, did not want a banger. She established that...

KW: She didnít!

AM: No!

NP: So she was not deviating from the subject on the card, so she gains another point and there are...

KW: Youíre obviously on her side! Did you get her the job?

NP: Eight seconds for Andree on bangers starting now.

AM: Thereís a certain kind of firework which makes a most enormous bang, itís extremely popular with small children...

WHISTLE

NP: Well bangers has brought Andree Melly from a rather poor third position into a very commanding lead...

KW: Yes! Through cheating half the time! Thatís how she got it! Yes!

NP: Sometimes itís difficult to decide which way to give the decision but I try to be as fair as possible. And Peter Jones and Clement Freud are equal in second place and Kenneth is just in fourth place. Kenneth itís your turn...

KW: Oh thank goodness for that!

NP: Weíve heard enough from you...

KW: With a whiff of my fragrance on the desert air.

NP: Itís funny you should mention the word desert because you wonít believe the subject that Ian Messiterís thought of for you, coconuts.

KW: Oh?

NP: So letís hear you go for Just A Minute on coconuts Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well just outside Korinlagala which was in the ancient times the capital of Ceylon, I sat in a coconut grove. And one of these things fell down quite near to a friend of mine. He said "do you know, itís awfully dangerous, these coconuts." And I said "quite right, we ought to get a chopper and cut them down, you see." So we went up this trunk. Iím very good at scaling up it, trunks, you see...

BUZZ

NP: Clement...

KW: I donít care! Shut your row! We went to cut down this coconut and what do you think happened?

NP: What?

KW: An Ďorrible cobra came out! I flew! And I shot off to the commanding officer and said "thereís a cobra in the street". And he said "wait a minute, Iíll get my Webley." And he got his Webley and we were all safe so he shot this cobra, stone dead. What about that? Isnít that fantastic? Right in a coconut grove that actually happened.

NP: Well thank you very much. That was absolutely delightful, we thoroughly enjoyed it and Iím glad youíre here to tell the story. About half a minute ago you were challenged by Clement Freud. What was the challenge?

CF: Repetition of trunk.

NP: Yes there were two trunks.

KW: Ah that was referring to the elephant that was there at the time! That was!

NP: But the elephant didnít bring the tree down, it was your commanding officer with his Webley. Right Clement, I agree with your challenge and you have a point and there are 32 seconds for coconuts starting now.

CF: Sitting in a pool in Rio de Janeiro the other week, I was amazed to find...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly, youíve challenged, why?

AM: Heís showing off.

KW: Of course he is! Absolutely! Youíre absolutely right!

CF: Nevertheless...

KW: Sheís very good that Andree! Very good having women on the show isnít it! Very good! Intelligent girl!

NP: But I...

KW: Itís deviation, youíve established the point so you get the subject!

NP: But listen...

KW: Go on! I love it!

NP: You can be dreary, you can be as dreary...

CF: Thatís why Iím on this show!

NP: ... or as boring or as conceited or as pompous as you like. And Clement you have a point and there are 23 seconds for coconuts starting now.

CF: I was approached by an elderly Brazilian who said to me "look" and I opened my eyes and saw what...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well heís just said he opened his eyes and he couldnít have seen the approach of the elderly Brazilian if he had them closed. So itís all deviation!

CF: I heard him!

KW: I donít believe an elderly Brazilianís come up to him anyway!

NP: Clement if youíd heard him, you wouldnít have known he was elderly.

KW: Exactly! Hahahhaha! Oh thatís brilliant! Hahahhahah! Brilliant! Oh thereís no flies on him! Eh! Oh brilliant!

NP: You have gained a point and the subject of coconuts, 15 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well they are wonderful when it comes to sound effects. Because they can actually make the illusion of a horse clopping along the road with these in a studio. I come through once , and I couldnít believe this girl. She had two halves in her hand and it sounded like a load of horses...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went. And he is now very definitely in fourth place. Heís still trailing one point behind Peter Jones and three points behind our joint leaders who are now Andree Melly and Clement Freud. Andree Melly it is your turn to begin and the subject is gossip. Can you talk to us about gossip for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Did you know that Nicholas Parsons was mad about Anona Winn? Kenneth Williams auditioned for The Younger Generation. These are the kind of things that people say and they may be true or not, and we call it gossip. Most of us enjoy it. Women are accused of gossiping very much more than men, and I donít think this is true. A man loves a nice bit of a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Man twice.

NP: So Kenneth you have a point and there are 35 seconds for gossip starting now.

KW: Oh indeed this has proved to be the source of some of our finest historical information. One could quote Sutonius for example about Tiberius in that villa where all those filthy practices went on under those murals. There are the famous account from Sasimo of the reception the Duke of Bondormo on the chaize per se. Apparently he was carrying out his toilet for the Embassy of Padua. And they were so disgusted they said "oh itís a disgrace..."

WHISTLE

NP: Well that interesting piece of historical knowledge which none of us dared to challenge...

KW: It was absolutely true mate! Thatís why! I could show you chapter and verse..

NP: That put Kenneth Williams a little ahead of Peter Jones whoís in fourth place behind our joint leaders Andree Melly and Clement Freud. And the subject is now with you Peter, your turn to begin. The subject is cannons. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Er they are the most...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged you.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I know, but Iím not going to allow it, because itís only the second time heís played the game.

KW: Oh donít mind me! Just kick me as you pass!

NP: (laughing) Can I wait till after the programme? Peter, next week Iím afraid I canít be quite so lenient. You do have to begin as soon as I say...

PJ: You mean Iím coming next week?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iíll put it to the audience. Shall we have Peter Jones next week?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You see Peter...

PJ: I donít want charity! I mean, youíre humiliating someone in my position...

KW: Well what are you holding that begging bowl for then?

NP: Exactly!

KW: Stop hanging it out and give him the subject!

NP: Ah Peter you have a point and the subject is cannons, itís still with you, there are 56 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Iíll take the other meaning of the word. That is a kind of war machine for firing shells or shot at...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because the cannon did not fire shells, it fired balls as we all ought to know!

NP: And these cannon balls were sometimes referred to as shells!

CF: Thatís ... absolute shells...

KW: They were never ever referred to as shells. Indeed Drake when he was playing these bowls as opposed to balls on the green, was heard to remark "is that a cannon ball thatís coming over, is it the invasion?" And they said "yes" and he rushed out, as you know, into The Golden Hind, which doesnít mean that his behind was golden. It means he got into his ship, and defeated them by sheer agility! In and out of the sea he went, in, out, bang, crash, bang, crash, like a Spitfires, in the, in the war business you see...

NP: Yes...

KW: Same thing!

NP: Thank you very much Kenneth, that was delightful, we really enjoyed it. Marvelous! Marvelous! Marvelous!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter Jones has another point and there are 45 seconds left to continue with cannons Peter starting now.

PJ: One of them was made into a war memorial. I always think thatís rather a depressing thing. Itís in Hyde Gard... Hyde Park...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Deviation, if itís depressing we donít want to hear it on this show! So shut up! Shut up!

NP: Kenneth if youíd said hesitation...

KW: Iím not going to be overruled on this! (bang) Oh Iíve hurt my hand!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF AND AUDIENCE

NP: Last week he hurt his hand and heís got so excited he banged his hand again and heís hurt the same place. Kenneth it doesnít matter how boring or dreary you may think he is, he was not deviating from the subject on the card, cannons. So Peter there are 40 seconds for cannons starting now.

PJ: Situated in Hyde Park Corner. And this thing is made of cement or stone, Iím not sure which it is. And it commemorates the fallen in the Royal Artillery during the First World War. And I always think er itís very...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Kenneth Williams...

KW: Well again weíre on this depressing subject. I mean, I donít come here, I donít want to hear all about fallen in wars. I mean...

NP: (shouts to be heard over KW) Why are you challenging?

KW: Um... I thought it was time they heard from me!

NP: Peter gains another point and there are 25 seconds Peter for you to continue with cannons starting now.

PJ: Well he complained that theyíre depressing and so they are. But so would cemeteries be or operations. And if you choose subjects like this...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly youíve challenged, why?

AM: Deviation, because cemeteries and operations are nothing to do with cannons.

NP: Yes I agree with Andreeís challenge so she has 19 seconds for cannons Andree starting now.

AM: They are something to do with the ecclesiastical hera. I think they come a little below a bishop, but Iím not quite certain. Usually...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Deviation, if sheís not quite certain she shouldnít talk about it.

KW: Precisely! Now there you are!

NP: Whether...

KW: There you are.

NP: ...you are certain or not you have to keep talking in Just A Minute. Otherwise youíd be had up for hesitation. So though you know nothing you have to keep going and I disagree with the challenge, 10 seconds left Andree starting now.

AM: Usually rather old and sometimes doddery, they can be found in clubs like the Athenaeum...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because she knows nothing about the Athenaeum, sheís never been there...

AM: I have!

KW: ...sheís no right to discuss the subject at all, and I ought to take it over. Now cannons of course...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ..was the bloke who gave his name to the law, because he said "Oh Lorí!" and so they said canon law. And thatís how it all began. Well...

NP: Kenneth! Thank you very much! She could have read about the Athenaeum so I disagree with the challenge, six seconds for Andree to continue with cannons starting now.

AM: I knew one in Birchdale once. I used to have to go to Sunday school and he took it and he was charming...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím afraid we have no more time, I see that our 30 minutes is almost up. So that is the last round and Andree Melly scored the final point for speaking when the whistle went. Kenneth Williams was in fourth place, Clement Freud was in third place, Peter Jones three points behind our lady winner,. Andree Melly!

KW: Boo! Boo! Boo!

NP: We do hope that you enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman in Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.