JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 October 1971)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask each of our contestants to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is written on the card. And according to how well they do this, they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And let us begin the show this week with Andree Melly. The subject is men. Can you talk for 60 seconds about men starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: This is of course the most enormous subject, and I canít possibly do it justice in a mere 60 seconds. How do I feel about them? I like them. Some of my best friends are men. They are responsible for all that is best and beautifullest in the world and for what is worst as well. They start life as babies, some of them stay that way for the rest of their lives. But there are others that are intelligent, witty, entertaining, attractive, amusing. And what is very unfair is the older they get the more attractive they appear to be to the other sex...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged you, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Ah, repetition of attractive.

NP: Thatís right. Yes you were carried away, you had too much attraction...

AM: Oh!

NP: ...for the men in your life Andree. So as I agree with the challenge, there was a repetition there, Clement Freud gains a point for a correct challenge, he takes over the subject and there are 20 seconds for you Clement to talk about men without hesitation, repetition or deviation starting now.

CF: It is getting increasingly more difficult to differentiate between men and women. But for the benefit of people listening, I would like to give my own views on how this is done. You look at an Adamís apple which finds itself in the neck beneath the chin. If it protrudes...

WHISTLE

NP: That whistle which is so elegantly blown for us by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. And on this particular occasion it was Clement Freud so Clement Freud is the only person to have scored at the end of the first round.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And Clement Freud is quite overcome with that second round of applause because he usually maintains the audience are not on his side. Theyíre obviously all with you Clement.

CF: Mmmm.

NP: Peter Jones will you begin the second round for us, the subject for you is gunge. I donít know whether you know what it means but it doesnít matter. Can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Itís a very unpleasant word. And it does seem to signal to me that the honeymoon is over as far as weíre concerned Nicholas. Last week you were very pleasant and friendly to me, and now youíve got er very nasty and ah produced this...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Ah a hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was, Iím afraid.

PJ: Yes there was, yes. I thought it was a rather effective one, but... I admit it was. It was, it was.

NP: Peter Iím afraid I agree with Andreeís challenge so she gains a point, takes over the subject of gunge and there are 45 seconds left starting now.

AM: I think it means all that slosh and horribleness that collects at the bottom of the drain. If you have one of those gobbler things which you turn on and is supposed to cut up the food and vegetable... pieces...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged. Why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation, and rather amazing pronunciation I felt.

NP: So why have you challenged, letís just have one.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. I grant that yes. I think she was about to explode and she checked herself...

KW: You ought to wash your ears out! I said it the first time!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I...

KW: Go on! Well come on then! Hurry up!

NP: I was so overcome with your rude... rudery for a minute, it just took me a second...

KW: Youíre never overcome! Youíve had a basinful! What are you talking about?

NP: All right Kenneth, I agree with your challenge so we hear from you with your dulcet tones for the first time this week and there are 31 seconds left for gunge with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: This is of course the stuff thatís found in your S bend where you get your leakage or seepage. And the plumber always says "a load of air". You think he means oxygen, but he means the remnants after youíve done your shampooing where all your dandruff and your muck collects. This is given the term gunge. It was invented by Albert Gunge because he was famous for chucking it out. He got this suction thing and banged it down the hole. Brilliant!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams was speaking then when the whistle went so he gains the extra point, putting him in the lead now alongside Clement Freud.

KW: Oh! Happy day! Bravo! Thank you!

NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin...

KW: Oh good! Yes!

NP: And after that last exhibition, I think this subject is particularly apt for you. Itís my behaviour.

KW: Ah! Mmmm!

NP: So can you talk for 60 seconds on my behaviour starting now.

KW: My behaviour has very often got me into situations where I might be described as being misunderstood. That is to say the outward action does not always match up with the inward motivations. if for instance I appear to be flying balletically about and casting gossamer to kill the wild elephants and you say "but thereís no game Ďround here!" my reply is "I just invented one"! Which is incredibly witty of me to think, in the circumstances of saying. On the other hand...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly, you challenged, why?

AM: I canít see what any of this has got to do with his behaviour. Heís just...

NP: I donít know, I think it was a perfect description of his behaviour!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yes! Sheís jealous!

NP: Quite incomprehensible!

KW: Of course! Sheís jealous Nick! They should never have women on the show! They should never have had women on the show!

NP: All right...

KW: I donít know why they ask women on! Itís a manís game isnít it! (deep voice) For men! Itís a manís game!

NP: Weíve got to have something to balance your peculiar behaviour anyway Kenneth! All right, so I disagree with the challenge Kenneth, so you get a point for incorrect challenge, you keep the subject and there are 14 seconds left, my behaviour, starting now.

KW: (drawing his words out) Frequently when I walk down the street in my usual apparel which is a raincoat accompanied by a waterproof hat which has dirty...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged you, why?

AM: Heís talking too slowly, itís not allowed!

NP: That is not a correct challenge Andree. So...

AM: Well he canít accompany his hat, his raincoat with his hat. Itís not proper English. You donít have...

KW: (shouts) How dare you!

NP: Sit down!

KW: Itís disgraceful! What behaviour!

NP: Sit down!

KW: We should never have had women on the show!

NP: No Iím going to, her first challenge was an incorrect one because it didnít male sense within the rules of the game...

KW: Yes itís infamy! Itís infamy! Yes!

NP: So you have another point Kenneth...

KW: Sheís got it in for me! (infamy)

HUGE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Heís got so carried away with the success of his last joke he kissed Clement Freud! I must explain to the listeners why there was a laugh at that moment. Kenneth I disagree with the challenge so you gain another point and you have one second left for my behaviour starting now.

KW: I once pirouetted...

WHISTLE

KW: ...beautifully on stage and they cried out "oh isnít that a boon!" And indeed it was...

NP: So on that occasion Kenneth Williams started with the subject of my behaviour, and in spite of interruptions from the lady member of the team, or contestants, he finished with the subject of my behaviour...

KW: So it means Iím in the lead?

NP: Definitely in the lead, a very commanding lead, a commanding lead...

KW: (screams hysterically) Oh Iím in the leeeeeeeeeeeeeed! Oh aint it good!

NP: You have a lead over three over Clement Freud whoís in second place, and then comes Andree Melly, and the one point behind Peter Jones. Clement Freud, it is your turn to begin, the subject is a fool. Can you talk about a fool for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: There was a vote taken amongst contestants of this game some time ago, whether we might have a fool as chairman. And after all the slips had come in we... determined to keep things the way they were...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he hesitated before he said determined.

NP: Do you know, heís been so rude to the chairman, I would love to give it to you Peter. But just to show that I am a fair chairman I have to disagree with the challenge and give a point to Clement Freud after what heís just said, and let him continue with the subject of a fool for 46 seconds starting now.

CF: Another instance is when Peter Jones challenges quite wrongly on that sort of thing. But as Shakespeare said "a fool, a fool, I met a fool.."

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged, why?

AM: Oh about four fools in one sentence.

CF: The subject on the card...

KW: (shouts) Itís in the card, you great fool! When itís on the card, when itís on the card, youíre allowed! Do you know...

AM: (struggling to shout above the din) How many times?

KW: Itís on the card dear!

AM: How many times are you allowed to say it?

NP: Ah three times and thatís all he said it. Kenneth Williams, sit down and get on with the game.

KW: Well...

NP: Some of the listeners may not have heard you because you ran across the stage at that particular moment, in your, and your tirade, your outburst, may have been lost. So Clement said it only three times, if he says it again I will penalise him. Clement you have another point, cleverly gained and there are 37 seconds left for a fool starting now.

CF: The word on the card denotes a man...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Repetition, weíve already had the word on the card!

AM: Aaaaaaahh!

KW: Yes!

NP: I thought you were going to be very clever, have him for devi...

KW: He couldnít think of the word... what?

NP: I thought you were going to be clever and have him for deviation and say theyíre not one word, itís two.

KW: Iíll have him for anything you like, mate! Yes! In a ball-gown!

NP: No, no, the word on the card was perfectly legitimate within the context of the game. Instead of saying a fool, he said the word on the card. Actually it was incorrect because there were two words, thatís what I thought you were challenging for.

KW: Thatís what I meant! Thatís exactly what I meant!

NP: No, Clement Freud has another point...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...and there are 35 seconds left...

KW: Oh heís creeping up on me!

NP: ...for a fool starting now.

CF: The indefinite article followed by the...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Kenneth what do you want?

KW: Itís grammatical, heís discussing grammar. Weíre not, weíre discussing a fool.

NP: Oh Kenneth, if you go on too quickly, all that happens is the person speaking gets an extra point. He wasnít incorrect at that moment. So Clement has another point...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...and heís now got six, heís leading you by one....

KW: Ooooohhh!

NP: So donít get too anxious on your buzzer. Clement, 33 seconds for a fool, Clement starting now.

CF: Less than a complete idiot, and yet more intelligent than someone who might become... a panelist...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged, why?

AM: A hesitation after become.

CF: Yes, Iíd like, Iíd like...

NP: Yes there was a hesitation there Andree so I agree with your challenge on this occasion, you get a point and there are 24 seconds for a fool starting now.

AM: It can be delicious at this time of year. Take a pound of gooseberries and stew them with a lot of sugar, then make a puree, mix it with double cream and put it in the fridge. This is something which Iím sure Clement Freud would say should be made a different way, but I find it delicious...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Thereís no other way of making a fool!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement the answer to that is you havenít seen the way I cook! So I think probably...

CF: She said I would definitely say and this is untrue.

AM: Yes.

NP: No, I think what I think the fair thing to do there is, it was a very clever challenge, I will give you a bonus point for a clever challenge but leave the subject with Andree Melly who has six points for a fool starting now.

AM: Eat it with one of those sugary long biscuits which I canít remember...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: We already had sugar.

AM: Sugary!

NP: That was sugary, youíre quite right Andree. And so you have another point and there are four seconds left for a fool starting now.

AM: Other fresh fruits can be delicious and used for the same thing...

WHISTLE

KW: Donít clap her! Donít clap! Itís a disgrace!

NP: So at the end of that round Andree Melly was speaking when the whistle went, she gained the extra point...

KW: Unfair! Itís a disgrace!

NP: Clement Freud is now in the lead, heís leading Kenneth Williams by two...

KW: We should never have had women on the show!

NP: ...and Andree Melly by three, and Peter Jones by a little bit more than that, four or five. Andree Melly itís your turn to begin and the subject is things that make me laugh. Thatís a delightful subject, and free rein, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: One of the things that really makes me laugh is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Sheís speaking so slowly, itís ludicrous! Anybody could play the game by speaking so slowly and going at a snailís pace like that.

NP: Well if I...

KW: Sheís just cheating, isnít she! Cheating on the last minute is how she got the extra mark!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Itís disgraceful!

CF: I donít think we ought to have women on the show.

KW: No! We shouldnít have women! No! Even Clemís made his point!

NP: Kenneth, if I, if I penalised her...

KW: You keep on about penalise, it sounds horrible! It sounds like youíve been put in the stocks or something and have tomatoes chucked at you! Isnít it awful! It takes you back to the middle ages, donít it.

NP: Well all right Kenneth, if Andree loses a point because sheís speaking slowly, if I do the same to you...

KW: No, no, no!

NP: All right, no points will be charged on this particular occasion. Andree keeps the subject and there are 56 seconds left, things that make me laugh starting now.

AM: It is Kenneth Williams. Particularly when he talks extremely slowly on Just A Minute and milks the same gag over and over... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: (laughs then shouts) You were undone! Hoist by your own petard! Oh that is funny isnít it!

NP: Not really, no! Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of over.

NP: Repetition of over. Clement the subject is now with you, having gained an extra point as well, 46 seconds left, things that make me laugh starting now.

CF: When you get a woman going into a kitchen using a blunt biscuit with which to stir a fool, I laugh uproariously. I have been known to fall on the floor crushing the delicacy made of pastry as I did so, while the confection of gooseberries, sugar and cream fell on me. And other people also regaled themselves with this sort of incredible manifestation...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged, why?

AM: Deviation, it should be things that made him laugh and heís going on to other people and what made them laugh.

NP: Thatís true, yes! I think thatís a very good challenge, donít you! Yes!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: He talked about things that made him laugh, now heís decided that it makes other people laugh. So a very clever challenge for Andree gives her a point and there are 16 and a half seconds Andree for things that make me laugh starting now.

AM: When there is a really solemn occasion and something goes...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Well weíre not discussing a solemn occasion. You see itís deviation, weíre discussing what makes you laugh.

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Obviously nobody would laugh if someoneís being buried!


NP: Kenneth, if...

PJ: I disagree. Thereís lots of people Iíd laugh at if they were being buried!

KW: We donít want to introduce all this macabre note...

NP: Kenneth, you introduced this particular subject...

KW: Oh did I?

NP: Yes...

KW: Oh I am sorry.

NP: Yes and Andree Mellyís gained a point because I disagree with Kennethís challenge and she has 13 seconds to continue with things that make me laugh starting now.

AM: I have been for many years an actress. And when things go wrong on the stage I do find I get the giggles which is most unprofessional...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Weíre talking about laughing, not giggling.

KW: (shouts) Ahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh brilliant! Brilliant! Oh heís brilliant!

NP: She may have been talking about things that make me laugh and she doesnít want to say the word laugh too often. A giggle is a form of laughter.

CF: Oh!

NP: Things that make me laugh, sheís talking about a thing that makes her giggle. Itís the same, in my way of thinking, it means the same thing. And the audience obviously agree with me, donít you?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Andree has another point, there are four seconds left for things that make me laugh starting now.

AM: Actors who appear for a dramatic audience with all their flies...

WHISTLE

NP: That last things that make Andree laugh has taken her into the lead now alongside Clement Freud at the end of that round. Peter Jones itís your turn to begin, the subject is bedtime stories. Can you talk to us about bedtime stories for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Theyíre interesting things to listen to, and it can be very entertaining to tell them to other people, depending on how many people there are...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of people.

NP: I agree with your challenge so there are 50 seconds for you on bedtime stories starting now.

CF: Are you lying comfortably? Then Iíll begin. Once upon a time in a distant country there lived a King...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged, why?

AM: Deviation because itís bedtime stories and heís telling one.

NP: Oh no no no, thatís, thatís too subtle a challenge. Youíre being as clever as those two over there whoíve played the game more often than you. It was well done, no I appreciate the, the incisiveness there because thatís the way they play. But I disagree with the challenge because obviously if the subject is stories, you can talk about one story. Clement you have another point and you have 43 seconds for bedtime stories starting now.

CF: And he had three daughters. The first was called Melissa. The second was a redhead, no hair, just a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why have you challenged?

KW: Well deviation, if she was a redhead and she had no hair, itís ludicrous, innit! I mean, so Iíll have the subject. Well I...

NP: Clement seems very...

KW: Eh?

NP: How do you qualify that Clement?

CF: No hair, just a scarlet scalp.

NP: Oh this is a horrid bedtime story!

CF: But that is what a redhead is! Somebody with a red head!

KW: But in the conventional usage, that is to say...

NP: No, Iím afraid it is accurate, it is accurate though...

KW: You donít say "come and meet this redhead" and introduce them to someone with a crimson scalp, do you?

NP: No, but if youíre... Kenneth...

KW: Youíd have your whole breakfast ruined! You donít want to see a flaming head!

NP: Clement...

KW: Iíve heard of a redhead or a blackhead and we donít want to think about that!

NP: Kenneth! I have to try and be accurate according to the rules of the game and Clement Freud had a very clever point there which he justified so he has 34 seconds to continue with bedtime stories starting now.

CF: And it came to pass that this monarch let it be known throughout his kingdom that any man of noble birth who wished to wed one of his progeny might do so by passing three simple tests. And the noblemen came from far and wide...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged, why?

AM: He had three daughters and now heís got three tests, so heís had repetition of three.

NP: Thatís right, there was repetition of the word three. Three tests, three daughters. Um so well listened Andree, youíve gained a point and there are 16 seconds for bedtime stories starting now.

AM: The best kind of stories to read in bed are the dullest and most boring because if you suffer from insomnia youíll fall fast asleep over the page. There are a number...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: (laughs)

SCATTERED APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The audience obviously agree that she hesitated Peter, so you gain a point and you take over the subject, bedtime stories starting now.

PJ: Um ah...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged, why?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: I disagree, Peter Jones has got another point and there are three seconds for bedtime stories Peter starting now.

PJ: Listening to them over the radio or...

WHISTLE

NP: And Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went, only just speaking but he was. And so he gains another point and heís creeping up now on Kenneth Williams which is a very insidious thing to do. Kenneth has remained stationary in the position, third, to Andree Mellyís second who is two points behind our leader who is at this moment Clement Freud. And Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject for you is quotations worth repeating. Could you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well obviously the first that springs to mind is Edward Barbour Lyttonís beautiful line from Cardinal Rishlere, "beneath the rule of men entirely great, the pen is mightier than the sword". How fine that phrase rings in my ears! Orrrrrrrrr perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged, why?

AM: Heís talking too fast!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: (laughs)

KW: She pays them to come here! Disgraceful!

NP: I think Andree deserves a point...

KW: Deserves a point! Sheís the most corrupt element in this show and you know it! We should never have had women in the first place!

NP: She got a very good crack at you...

KW: Iím sitting here all dolled up...

NP: ... which the audience appreciated, she got a very good laugh, give her a point. Kenneth keeps the subject...

KW: Oh? Oh nice! Oh! Yes.

NP: ... and there are 36 seconds left for quotations worth repeating Kenneth starting now.

KW: "To guild the gold, and paint the lily." Often misquoted, but Iíve given you the correct one. Thus "to fresh woods and pastures new". Not fields, which so many idiots come out with. But perhaps the greatest of all, Actonís "all power corrupts". How true that is! Even to this day and Iíve got power! Power in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of power.

KW: Itís on the card! Oh, no!

NP: Power is not...

KW: Itís on the card! Itís on the card!

NP: It isnít!

KW: (screaming hysterically) It says worth repeating! Therefore Iím right!

APPLUAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: (shouting and wailing) Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh thatís brilliant of me, isnít it! Isnít it!

NP: Yes but it doesnít get you a point! It was the most brilliant performance, the audience adored it! He got on his chair, did a little jig. He convinced himself and the audience that he should really keep the subject...

KW: Just because youíre muscle-bound! Go on!

NP: If what you said was true, then the quotations that you have just said were all repeated. And therefore you would have been had up for that. But actually you will...

KW: Iím not being had up for nothing, thank you!

NP: So you repeated the word power and that is repetition within the rules of our game. And so Clement Freud gains a point and there are four seconds Clement for quotations worth repeating...

KW: How rotten!

NP: ... starting now.

CF: It is a mark of insincerity of purpose to seek an Emperor...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh thatís rotten! Thatís cashing in! I did all the work and he just came on the last bit! Oh itís all rotten cheating!

NP: Yes I must say Kenneth...

KW: Disgusting behaviour!

NP: ...you did work very very hard...

KW: Worked hard and he came and cashed in! (in tears) Cashed in! Thatís all he done! Itís disgusting, the whole rotten thing! Itís a disgrace! Iíve come all the way from London!

NP: And that is all we have time for, we have to finish now. And just in fourth place is Peter Jones, behind the third placed person who is Kenneth Williams. In second place was Andree Melly who was way ahead of them, and three points behind, this weekís winner who was Clement Freud. Iím sorry that we have no more time to play Just A Minute. We hope that youíve enjoyed this particular edition of the game and from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.