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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES, TONY HAWKS and JEREMY HARDY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 February 1995)
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back two long-standing players of the game, that’s Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones. And two who’ve only played the game infrequently, that is Tony Hawks and Jeremy Hardy. Will you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Liz Trott who’s going to keep the score and blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Sherman Theatre in Cardiff. And I have therefore to say to all the Welsh-speaking people in the audience (speaks in Welsh and is applauded). And as usual I’m going to ask our four panelists to speak on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we’ll begin this show with Derek Nimmo. Derek would you talk on the subject of dragons. Sixty seconds starting now. DEREK NIMMO: A dragon is a mythical creature really. It looks rather like a crocodile with wings and a serpent’s head. And of course it’s the emblem on the flag of the principality of Wales. Not that I’ve ever seen one, but I’ve been to many dragon boat races which are tremendous spectacles in the heart of Hong Kong and they all compete, one against the other. And on the prow is a dragon’s head. They have spread to Singapore, and even in Australia, so popular they are. My son went to a school called The Dragon in Oxford and my grandson is there at this present moment. It’s in Barville Road, it’s co-educational but a very nice place, near Christ Church Cathedral, it’s frightfully happy and jolly. Now Goos Dragon Perspin is one of the heralds that follow the Garter King of Arms, the head of which is the Duke of Norfolk. And I do think that if you ever goes to a coronation, if we ever have one again, which is somewhat doubtful, um, then you will be pleased to see the dragon so prominently displayed. When... WHISTLE NP: Well that is the very first time that someone has taken a subject and gone for the full 60 seconds without being interrupted, without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And of course it was Derek Nimmo who picked up a point for speaking as the whistle went, and a bonus point for not committing any of the crimes of Just A Minute or being challenged. Tony Hawks would you take the next round, the subject is quantum leap. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. TONY HAWKS: I am delighted to been asked to talk on this particular subject. I’m sure I will manage it just as well as Derek did with his dragons. Ah, quantum is a minimum amount of physical quantity such as energy or momentum. And leap is something that you do if someone shoves a pointy stick into your bottom! LAUGHTER FROM NP AND AUDIENCE TH: I’m sorry if I’m being too technical for some of you. Put the two together and you have a quantum leap which is a BBC2 light entertainment... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Ah repetition. NP: Of B. DN: Of B. NP: BBC. GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You can tell which side this audience is on! So Derek that was a correct challenge so you get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, there are 32 seconds left, quantum leap starting now. DN: A quantum leap for the principality of Wales would be if they had their own Parliament. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE DN: If they’re going to have such gatherings in Scotland and... I thought I might get them back on my side if I said that! There ought to be a talking shop here in Cardiff. And I hope that both the major parties, and indeed the Liberal Democrats, will support this excellent scheme. And very soon we will have here... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PETER JONES: It’s not a party political broadcast! Disgraceful! DN: It’s apolitical! It’s apolitical! NP: I think he definitely has deviated from quantum leap. So Peter I agree with your challenge and you’ve got in with a point for being correct and nine seconds are available on quantum leap starting now. PJ: It’s a huge leap forward. It can be scientific or political in the er field of medicine... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well a bit of a hesitation. NP: Yes there was a definite hesitation. So Derek you got in with only two seconds to go on quantum leap starting now. DN: Sliced bread was a huge quantum leap... WHISTLE NP: As I said before, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo and he has increased his lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones will you take the next round, the subject common sense. Something for which I’m sure you’re renowned, but will you talk on it starting now. PJ: Well we used to call it nouse in the north country, where I come from. But it is actually just a matter of simplification. Now a lot of people who are geniuses have no common sense. Witness the financial disasters that occurred during the 80s when everybody thought that shares would go on going up and similarly property. And they didn’t realise that what does, also has to come down. I didn’t say up, did I? No, I didn’t... BUZZ PJ: Oh! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Tony Hawks. TH: He clearly didn’t repeat up, but then repeated it by pointing out that he hadn’t repeated it! PJ: Yes! NP: So repetition, correct challenge, a point to you Tony, 37 seconds, common sense starting now. TH: Common sense is what tells you not to punch somebody on the nose who’s much bigger than you. If you’re in a helicopter and you think it’s too hot, common sense tells you not to turn the fan off. Other examples of common sense go on and on. It’s also heavy... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of on and on. CRIES OF "AWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: On and on, yes. Derek you’ve got in, you win the audience and you lose them again very rapidly! Another point, 15 seconds, common sense starting now. DN: Well I would have liked to have said that it would be common sense to have a Parliament in Wales, but that’s been adjudged not to have been the right thing to say on this programme. And I think when you’re very little, you don’t realise it’s common sense not to run across the road. When you are older you hesitate... BUZZ NP: Jeremy Hardy challenged. JEREMY HARDY: Repetition of when. NP: Yes when... you were saying... APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: So Jeremy not only nice to hear from you, you haven’t played the game as much as others... JH: Sorry, I’ve been very tired! NP: Also you very cleverly got in with only two seconds to go and the subject’s common sense starting now. JH: Common sense is what separates man from penguins! WHISTLE NP: So Jeremy Hardy was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. He’s in second place now behind Derek Nimmo. And Jeremy it is your turn to begin, the subject trainers. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now. JH: In the bottom of my wardrobe are two dirty battered trainers. One trains horses and the other hotel management trainees. I keep them here as a punishment for the humiliation which they put these noble beasts through! BUZZ APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: It’s a tough game Jeremy, yes. Derek got in first. DN: Well hesitation. (laughs) NP: Yes. DN: He just sort of packed up, didn’t he really. I thought it was a stroke at first! NP: Forty-two seconds are available for you Derek on trainers starting now. DN: Hector Lorenzo Christie was one of my favourite trainers. He used to train at Lambourne and very good indeed he was. Other trainers of renown that foiled my affections are Colin Hayes and Bart Cummins of Australia. The first mentioned one won the Melbourne Cup for Sheik Ramdan ul-Hashid Almatoum with Ackarack a few years ago, and scored another triumphant victory... BUZZ NP: Jeremy Hardy. JH: Repe... er hesitation in the middle of triumphant. NP: Yes! I think if you slur your words as much as that I think that is hesitation. DN: Well you see, I have had a stroke! NP: Nineteen seconds for you Jeremy on trainers starting now. JH: Trainers or daps as they are known in Wales are for running. What irritates me is when people wear them when they are not doing this thing. They wear them socially... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks has challenged you. TH: Ah repetition of wear. NP: Yes, they wear them, wear them. JH: Yes. NP: Tony you’ve got in with six seconds... CRIES OF "AWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: It’s part of the game! If you don’t... they’ve got to... DN: You’re an audience where you get booed if you make a correct challenge! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE JH: This is Welsh rules Just A Minute! NP: Tony, six seconds for you on trainers starting now. TH: I often wonder what trainers say when they’re on the football touchline. They’re shouting, they’re saying score one.. BUZZ NP: Jeremy you challenged. JH: Repetition of they’re. NP: Yes. APPLAUSE AND CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Jeremy Hardy got in with two seconds to go on trainers starting now. JH: Aqualung equipment... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: No! Jeremy, begin a bit quicker if you can but... I’m not going to allow it. Another point to Jeremy, one second on trainers starting now. JH: Puff goes the.. WHISTLE NP: So Jeremy Hardy speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point for doing so and other points in that round. So Derek it’s your turn to begin again and the subject is what I pencil in. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. DN: What I pencil in on this programme is very little, because I have a machine, a pencil, that doesn’t really work. It’s got absolutely no mark at all, issued by the Broadcasting Corporation that we mentioned before. What I put into my diary are things like (speaks in Welsh) the school which is for little dogs, so I can remember to give it a bone on the right occasion, you see. That’s the only bit of Welsh I know, but I thought it might ingratiate me with the audience a bit more. So I put into my diary, pencil there... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks has challenged. TH: Repetition of diary. NP: Yes your diary came out before. DN: Absolutely! NP: Yes! So Tony, another point to you, 34 seconds are left, what I pencil in starting now. TH: What I pencil in, well, I pencil in whatever I’m wearing. No point in changing into a pair of shorts to pencil into something. Why not just go with what you already have on? I pencil in crosswords, moustaches on attractive ladies in Hello magazine. I pencil (starts to laugh) in... BUZZ NP: Oh! Peter Jones you challenged first. PJ: Ah hesitation. NP: Yes well done, yes! Peter, 15 seconds for you on what I pencil in starting now. PJ: I pencil in engagements that I may or may not keep. Or contracts or offers... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two mays. NP: There were two mays, may or may not. CRIES OF "AWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Derek you got in with nine seconds, what I pencil in, starting now. DN: In my book of appointments I have a note in pencil to say that I’m catching BA133 to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow morning... BUZZ NP: Jeremy Hardy challenged. JH: Repetition of three. NP: Yes. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: So you have to show off... DN: I should have been in BA125 and I’d have been all right! NP: Right... PJ: Well I don’t know. Either you’re groveling to the audience, or you’re showing off! There doesn’t seem any happy medium! Kuala Lumpur! Can’t you get any work in England? HUGE CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Right! Jeremy you’ve got in with two seconds to go on what I pencil in starting now. JH: I pencil a seam on the back of my legs... WHISTLE NP: So Jeremy’s picking up this game very rapidly and just getting in before the whistle and gaining an extra point as it goes. And he’s still in second place but only one point behind our leader, Derek Nimmo. Tony Hawks it is your turn to begin, the subject legends. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now. TH: Legends are stories handed down from the past, sometimes true, sometimes apocryphal... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. CRIES OF "AWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE DN: I’m sorry but he did say sometimes twice. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: He not only said it twice, he actually underlined it verbally! Derek, 55 seconds, legends starting now. DN: Well one could think of the great legends of the past like the Iliad, that extraordinary story of the saga of the fall of Troy. Or the Ramayana which you will find throughout the whole of the continent of India, through the Indonesian Archipelago, right through Bali. The story of... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks challenged. TH: Repetition of through. NP: Yes, you were going right through too many places. So Tony you’ve got legends back with you, with 39 seconds to go starting now. TH: Famous people are sometimes consill... oh God! BUZZ NP: Peter Jones got in first. PJ: Yes er it was a hesitation. NP: Oh yes it definitely was. TH: I hesitated because I said sometimes again! NP: I know! TH: I’ve only actually said sometimes in this round so far! Hardly used any other words! NP: Thirty-six seconds for you to talk about sometimes, I’m sorry... APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Thirty-seven seconds for you to talk on legends Peter starting now. PJ: Yes, famous people like Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, all kinds of well-known personalities, not all of whom sang. But there was Dame Nellie Melba, to name but three. And there was ah Talulah Bankhead... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Quite a lot of there wases. NP: There wases, yes. PJ: Oh yes. NP: It was repetition, yes. Twenty seconds for Derek on legends starting now. DN: The rim or the edge round a coin is called the legend. And looking at the pound... thing I have in front of me... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Well a definite hesitation there. NP: Yes, 13 seconds, legends Peter, with you now. PJ: Then there was Benjamin Agili... and Madame Callis. A number... BUZZ NP: Jeremy challenged. JH: Hesitation. NP: Yes, I would say so. PJ: I didn’t think there was a hesitation. Surely I was just separating them. Or it’d be just one very long name! NP: I know. There was quite a gap in the separation actually Peter. PJ: There was? NP: We interpret that in this game... PJ: Yes well I always think you know best Nicholas! NP: Whether I know best or not, I have to interpret the rules just as they are and try and be fair to all of you and I agree that Jeremy there was a hesitation. Five seconds for you Jeremy on legends starting now. JH: King Solomon was hiding in the oak tree, burning the spider when along came Sinbad the... WHISTLE NP: Peter it’s your turn to begin and the subject is rugby. Something I think they’re quite keen on in this part of the world. And will you talk on it in this game starting now. PJ: Well I’m not going to try and curry favour. I think it’s the most ghastly name for a game. Now I was made to play this when I was at school and I was put into the second rank of the scrum, which is a very vulnerable position to be in. And there was a bully who was behind me. And he used to make balls of mud, pull my elastic shorts back, drop the ball of mud in, and then he used to hit it... BUZZ PJ: ...and that really ah put me off the game forever! NP: Peter, Derek actually challenged. DN: Well you did say ball and mud twice. And it was getting a bit disgusting so I thought I’d better challenge! PJ: Quite! DN: As we have the Lord Mayor in front of us this evening, I don’t want anything to be er untrue... NP: So er thirty-seven seconds for you Derek on rugby starting now. DN: Rugby indeed, well I’m rather like Peter Jones. I’m not too sure about the game of rugby really... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: It’s not like me and not too sure! I’m quite sure! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: And you made that abundantly clear last tine Peter. PJ: That was deviation! NP: So you get the subject back again and 27 seconds, rugby, starting now. PJ: It is also a school of course, made famous... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks challenged. TH: You did say school in your last thing. NP: Yes when you were at school. PJ: Oh yes. NP: You got these balls of mud... PJ: Quite! Yes! NP: Twenty-five seconds for you Tony Hawks on rugby starting now. TH: Rugby is a fantastic game! CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE TH: This is because it gives you the opportunity to bury your head in someone else’s bottom. That can’t be sniffed at! I like to... it can be actually, but that’s another story. Now at Cardiff Arms Park I like to go along and watch the marvelous... BUZZ NP: Jeremy Hardy. JH: Repetition of like. Or did I dream that? NP: Well they were laughing so much I couldn’t hear what he said! JH: I’m probably wrong then. Forget it, you carry on! NP: I’ll have to look to your honesty then Tony, did you say like before? TH: Ah I’m not an honest man, so no! You carry on. NP: Well carry on for another six seconds on rugby Tony Hawks starting now. TH: Where the terrific Welsh team play their rugby. I admire all the great players. Gareth Edwards and... WHISTLE NP: Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He’s now in third place, just one ahead of Peter Jones, and then ahead of them Jeremy Hardy, and in the lead still is Derek Nimmo. And Jeremy your turn to begin, the subject bottle. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now. JH: It takes a lot of bottle to walk into a pub in Glasgow and say "evening Jock, I’ll have a wee dram". Because you’ll leave with a bottle sticking out of the side of your head! Many other chancy pursuits will also involve injury. For example, it takes bottle to bungee jump or self-emolate. The first bottles were not made of glass but of course made of plastic. There was... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well I’m sure a hesitation. NP: Yes there was a hesitation. I think he hesitated because he repeated the word made and you didn’t pick it up. But still, there we are. Thirty-two seconds on bottle with you Derek starting now. DN: Bottles and then magna and jeroboams and above all a nebulacanezzar which holds 20 bottles. Can you imagine that quantity of champagne? It is a glorious wondrous thought. And I, as we’re all sitting here with our parched lips, dreaming of bottles in this funny little shack here in Cardiff! I know that you would like me to go out to the nearest off-licence, Odlins or whatever and bring back a deal of bottles on the British Broadcorping Castration... BUZZ LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE TH: You see, it’s much easier to say BBC! NP: Yes! So what’s your challenge Tony? TH: Oh I think hesitation. NP: Yes. TH: But he said BBC, British Broadcasting Castration, I think! DN: I said on purpose actually Broadcorping Castration. NP: And one second for you Tony, just before the whistle, you got in on bottle starting now. TH: Trousers are... WHISTLE NP: Tony Hawks was speaking again as the whistle went, gained another point. Peter it’s your turn to begin, the subject, watch. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: There’s the black watch. There’s the swatch watch. And also the gold watch. I’m hoping the BBC are going to give me one... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. CRIES OF "AWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE DN: BBC! NP: BBC. PJ: Oh that’s so boring! NP: I know it is! But it is correct within the rules of Just A Minute. So Derek... PJ: You’re not supposed to repeat a word! Who said you were not supposed to repeat an initial? That’s not in the er book of rules! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE TH: Hang on, you er... NP: I have to tell this audience here, you’re not making up the rules! I’m sorry, you can’t clap. If you say B, you can say it sounds like B-E-E, like the bee that buzzes. It’s what it sounds like on the ear, whether it’s a B, a capital B, or a bee, it’s a B! PJ: Well it is a bit of a B, I must say! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Fifty seconds for you Derek on watch starting now. DN: One remembers that great watch service on the eve of Christmas. When shepherds watched their sheep by night, all seated, lying round... BUZZ DN: ...the angels of the Lord came down... NP: I’m sorry... DN: ...and glory shone around! Fear not, said he, the mighty... what’s the matter? NP: He’s challenged you! TH: Well he’s changed it from watched their flock to watch their sheep, hasn’t he? NP: He actually said shleep. DN: Well I’m a little bit smashed! It’s all that wine that was coming in the nebucanezzar a few moments ago. JH: Apparently though, sheep aren’t a deviation in Wales. It’s quite common! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Right Tony, correct challenge, 42 seconds, watch starting now. TH: In my area we have a Neighbourhood Watch. I have it for the first two days of every month, and for the remaining period I have to ask people the time. Very embarrassing for me indeed! The watch I was given on my 12th birthday is the one that I hold dearest to my heart. Because it has a mitten... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: How can you have a watch near to your heart? TH: Dearest. Did I say dearest to my heart, I thought... DN: I thought you said nearest. TH: Do you want me to move a bit nearer? DN: A bit dearer, I think. NP: Twenty-three seconds on watch with you Tony starting now. TH: Watch me now whilst I repay... oh... BUZZ NP: They were watching Tony! And Jeremy Hardy you got in first. JH: Yes um yes... it was loss of the will to live, I think! NP: Correct, you’ve got another point Jeremy, 20 seconds watch starting now. JH: The neighbourhood... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: No! It’s worth trying but I don’t agree. Jeremy you’ve still got 19 and a half seconds on watch starting now. JH: The Neighbourhood Watch are a group of ultra right-wing suburban vigilantes who cruise the streets at night looking for teenagers to punish for being out after 6.00 in the evening. And for dabbling with drugs like Tixie Licks and Benolin! Wearing sheepskin coats, they stalk the moonlit streets with rolls of... WHISTLE NP: So Jeremy got points including one for speaking as the whistle went. He’s now in third place just ahead of Peter Jones. He’s only one behind Tony Hawks. Derek Nimmo is out two ahead of Tony in the lead. And we enter the last round, so it’s really anybody’s contest though I don’t think the contests is so important as the fun. Jeremy would you take this round, it is, well it’s your turn actually. The subject is park. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. JH: The park is without peer in the field of municipal facilities. Because it can be used for eating a sandwich or resting a while, reading a paper, or exposing oneself to passers-by. Many people stroll through the park in their lunch hour. I myself picnicked in Cardiff Arms Park earlier, and my meal was destroyed by a group of large Welsh people running over my gingham table cloth and then grabbing each other round the thighs and pulling each other down into the deep mud which was abounding there. Later I went to my favourite park which is in Manhattan, the island on which New York sits. There I sat er... BUZZ NP: After going to Cardiff Arms Park and then to Manhattan, you got back here very rapidly, didn’t you! Right, but Derek got in with... what is your challenge Derek? DN: He just stopped. NP: Yes he did, I have to know. Right, 22 seconds Derek, park starting now. DN: I live near Kensington Gardens and I was wandering through there to Hyde Park, stopping at the round pond on the way where I sail my boat. Through there enter St James’ Park which is absolutely magnificent. And we have fountains, and just beyond... BUZZ NP: Jeremy Hardy. DN: What’s the matter with you? JH: I live in Streatham and I feel humiliated by somebody talking about... APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Jeremy we enjoyed the challenge, so I’ll give you a bonus point for that. But Derek was interrupted so he also gets a point for that, he keeps the subject, seven seconds are left Derek, park starting now. DN: I find it very difficult to park our car on many occasions these days because there’s so much traffic in the street... WHISTLE NP: Well as I said before we began that round, this one would be the last and I’m afraid we have no more time. Let me give you the final score. The points were very very close. Peter Jones was only just in fourth place, a couple of points behind Jeremy Hardy and Tony Hawks who were equal in second place. But just two points ahead of them was Derek Nimmo, so we say Derek you are the winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to our magnificent audience here in the Sherman Theatre in Cardiff. And also on behalf of our panel, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Tony Hawks and Jeremy Hardy. And also Liz Trott who’s kept the score. And also Ian Messiter who created the game, our producer Anne Jobson and from me Nicholas Parsons, we do hope you’ve enjoyed it and will tune in again the next time we take to the air and play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye and (Welsh). THEME MUSIC |
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