JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 November 1971)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you all about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four contestants if they can speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is written on the card. And according to how well they do it they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter, the subject, being tickled. Can you talk about that subject of being tickled for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: It can be very pleasant to tickle somebody else. And it also is quite enjoyable if it happens to you. I also believe that it could, it has the possibility of becoming a great spectator sport. It could be on television, and I think one could have star casts of duos or even trios of people who were tickling each other and ah being tickled also. That isnít repeating it, is it, if itís a different tense? That is not actually repeating the verb? I wouldnít have thought it was. Because I see peopleís fingers drumming on the desks in front of them. And this tickling could um be on a large (starts to laugh)... It could be, there could be huge teams of international er um experts at this er fascinating game...

WHISTLE

PJ: (laughs)

NP: Peter I must say we were all tickled at your exhibition! I think you did hesitate a couple of times but you were so tickled by it all and so were we. I must explain that whoever goes through for 60 seconds without being challenged gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones so he has two at the end of that round and nobody yet has had to speak. Kenneth Williams will you take the second round this week and the subject is slang. So can you talk to us on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well this really is not something I should discuss. But since I have 60 seconds in which to do so I would have to say categorically that this is the language used by those people who we do not refer to as cultivated. Not cult...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Well hesitation, and he was about to repeat himself.

KW: I wasnít, I was saying cultivated, not cultured.

NP: One, one, one would do and I agree with the hesitation Peter. So you gain another point and you now have 40 seconds, because I agree with your challenge I must explain, in case...

KW: Oh heís the blue-eyed boy this week, isnít he! Lovely for him!

NP: Yes!

KW: Mmmm!

NP: I agree with the challenge so you gain a point Peter and you take over the subject of slang and there are 40 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I have a dictionary at home which is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Iím glad heís got a dictionary at home!

NP: Well your gladness..

KW: Has not constituted a challenge! Exactly! Youíre quite right Nick! Youíre a very good chairman! Heís a good chairman, innee? Isnít he a good chairman? Heís on the ball! Heís on the ball that boy!

NP: And it took such intelligence to know that it wasnít a correct challenge, didnít it Kenneth?

KW: Quite!

NP: So as I disagree with the challenge because it had got nothing to do with the game Iím afraid that Peter Jones therefore gets another point...

PJ: Why are you afraid Iím getting another point? Thereís nothing to be afraid in me getting a point surely!

NP: No Iím not actually...

PJ: You should be pleased Iím getting a point!

NP: It was my juxtaposition of expressions that brought out the wrong emphasis, Iím not afraid youíre getting a point, Iím delighted about that. But Iím afraid as the challenge was incorrect I have to give it against Clement Freud. You have a point and there are 36 seconds left for slang Peter starting now.

PJ: A dictionary of slang...

BUZZ

NP: Clement, Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of dictionary.

NP: He repeated the word dictionary so Clement you have 35 seconds to take over the subject of slang starting now.

CF: I have an encyclopaedia which was sold to me by a gentleman who came to the door and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Iím very glad that heís got an encyclopaedia!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF AND AUDIENCE

NP: That definitely deserves a bonus point to Peter Jones. But...

PJ: Itís er, itís a status symbol to have an encyclopaedia. Iíve only got a very modest dictionary!

NP: But Peter you donít get the subject. Clement Freud keeps the subject and he has 28 seconds left for slang starting now.

CF: "Whatcha?" the man said to me, attempting to sell me 43 volumes at eight pounds 10...


BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, gentlemen who sell 43 volumes donít say "whatcha"!

NP: My, my difficult problem here is it could...

KW: Itís not a difficult problem!

NP: Yes it is!

KW: Give the subject to me!

NP: Itís quite possible that this man who sold Clement Freud might have said whatcha. I mean, I am not to know. I quite agree with your challenge that it is probably very very unlikely. So what shall I do. Shall I give it to Kenneth?

CF: Yes.

NP: Yes, all right. Kenneth has a point and Clement Freud agrees and there are 20 seconds left for slang Kenneth starting now.

KW: One of the methods employed by Cockneys is to use rhyming slang. Up your apples and pears for stairs. Shout and holler for collar. Norton and gold for cold. And so on. Farmer Giles is used, but I will not explain what that means...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I think it was probably fortunate the whistle was blown at that moment by Ian Messiter telling us that 60 seconds was up, by the way...

KW: Whistle and flute! (laughs)

NP: For suit, yes. So Kenneth you now have two points at the end of that round, Clement Freud has one, and Peter Jones is definitely in the lead with five. And Clement Freud it is your turn to begin, the subject is figures. Can you talk to us on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: "In this current year," said the chairman of the board of directors, "we are expecting to make a profit of 8,327,196 pounds, no shillings, and few...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Mellyís challenged. Why?

ANDREE MELLY: Deviation because there arenít shillings any more.

NP: Yes thatís right, he wouldnít say that now because...

CF: I didnít say it happened now!

NP: We assumed it...

CF: Said, said the chairman!

NP: Said the chairman, youíre going to try and get out of it by saying...

CF: Iím not trying to get out of it, I effectively emerged from it!

NP: Well all right then, if Clement Freud wants to argue about this one I will put it to the audience. I think thereís a justifiable challenge. Do you agree with it? If so cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Boo!

NP: Iím afraid Andree I was with you, but the audience were not so Clement Freud keeps the subject, 43 seconds for figures Clement starting now.

CF: I knew a lady whose vital statistics were 78, 45, 23. And she appeared in cabaret, crawling on to stage and attempting to get up. Many people thought that this figure was one of the most exciting theyíd ever seen. And she played...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation, I think this sounds very nasty!

NP: I donít think it was exciting, I quite agree. I cannot think that that figure crawling on the stage was exciting.

KW: It might have been! She might have been a Rubenesque creature!

CF: Pear shaped!

KW: Pear shaped she might have been! I think it was really nice...

NP: Do you think it was exciting, ladies and gentlemen?

KW: ....I was enjoying every minute of it!

NP: The general consensus is that that was not exciting so Andree has a point and there are 25 seconds Andree for figures starting now.

AM: This is something you have to study at school. And I believe now there is a new method which I donít understand. If you are incapable...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why...

KW: Hesitation!

NP: I disagree entirely. She was going on with great capability. And there are, another point Andree Melly, and 16 seconds for figures Andree starting now.

AM: At adding up pounds and new pence, you will find yourself in great difficulty if you have to budget for the household. Go to a supermarket and get one of those long bits of very...

WHISTLE

NP: So Andree was speaking then when the whistle went which brings her up to within one point of our leader who is still Peter Jones. And Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are now equal in third place. And after those last few remarks youíll never guess what the subject is on the card to follow, pearls. Andree it is your turn to begin, will you talk to us about pearls for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

AM: The pub is called The Kings Head and is quite near me, and belongs to Pearl. She is a marvelous pub owner...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well as the subject is pearls, plural, why are we discussing Pearl?

NP: Because, I think to my mind she made it quite clear, Pearl is the owner of the pub and so pubs, Pearlís pub would be Pearlís.

KW: Mmmm!

NP: Youíre talking about pubs and she was talking about pubs, bringing in Pearlís. So I think it was a good, a bad challenge and so Andree gains a point and there are 52 seconds left for pearls starting now.

AM: Go there for a drink of an evening and there she is...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?

PJ: Advertising!

KW: Oh thatís fast! Oh brilliant! Oh brilliant! Oh good! Iím inspired! Very good! Very good!

NP: Advertisingís not actually one of the reasons you can challenge.

PJ: Itís in the charter of the BBC...

KW: Itís in the charter! In the charter! Heís right! We should never have had women in the show!

CF: Itís deviation from the charter!

KW: Very good!

NP: Itís not in the rules of the game that Ian Messiter thought of...

CF: Deviation from the charter!

KW: Itís deviation from your charter! You canít get away from that, mate! It was drawn up by King John and all!

NP: I didnít know...

PJ: There are some unwritten rules in the...

KW: Unwritten rules, yes!

NP: I didnít know Pearl had...

KW: Itís no good you dithering there Nick!

NP: Iím not dithering!

KW: Youíre caught Nick! Youíre caught with them down mate! Come on!

NP: Iím not dithering, Iím just giving the audience a chance to enjoy themselves. So Peter Jones has gained a point for a magnificent challenge which I immediately agree with. And he has 49 seconds left to take over pearls starting now.

PJ: Iíve known many of them in my life. But I have er some favourite ones in Australia. They grow there in oysters and the oysters themselves...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth, Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of oysters.

KW: No, I thought he said oyster the first time and oysters the second.

CF: They grow in oysters, and the oysters.

KW: The oyster itself he said second.

NP: Stop it...

KW: Itís singular! So shut your row! Your great big trap!

NP: Well as I a moment ago gave it against Andree Melly which meant that she didnít get a point, it would only be fair in competition to give it against Clement Freud on this occasion because ah then he doesnít get the point...

CF: Oh good!

NP: ...and Peter Jones continues with the subject of pearls and there are 40, 39 seconds left starting now.

PJ: They grow throughout the Pacific around the Solomon Islands and the other island...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged again.

CF: Repetition of islands.

NP: Yes, this time Iím afraid I canít let you get away with it again Peter. There was a repetition of islands so Clement gets another point and there are 33 seconds left for pearls Clement starting now.

CF: A hostelry near the Quitaxe residence known as Pearlís should never be visited. Keep away from Pearlís! Do not go there!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Anti-advertising!

LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter I must say if I allow it for advertising, I canít allow it for anti-advertising! So it was a very clever attempt, but I think, I think we just wonít charge any points there because he was trying very hard. So Clement keeps the subject and there are 37 seconds left for, Iím sorry, there are 23 seconds left for pearls Clement starting now.

CF: When my mother-in-law bought a knitting machine, it said plain and pearl, which, I had no idea, referred to anyone but me and my family! But I was wrong and pearl is a particular...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged.

AM: A large hesitation.

NP: A large hesitation yes, because he realised he was talking nonsense! There are six seconds left for you Andree on pearls starting now.

AM: A nice pearl necklace. That used to be considered something English and ladylike. It may...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Andree Melly was again speaking when the whistle went so she gained an extra point which brings her into the lead now alongside Peter Jones, and Clement Freud is now in third place. Peter Jones it is your turn to begin, the subject is the press. Can you talk to us about the press for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Iím not going to start talking about journalists or Fleet Street or the newspapers. But Iím going to speak to you about the press which is used in Bordeaux to take the juice out of the grapes and make it into wine in September, thatís the most popular time of the year for making it and bottling it. And itís er an interesting process because chemistry plays a very important part in the production of wine and many people are involved. Viniculturalists have been there for generations on the banks of the Leloir and in Burgundy and the Otmidoc and elsewhere in France and of course in other countries...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: I think heís just showing off! Talking about these wines!

NP: He was showing off magnificently and he was keeping going without hesitating, without...

KW: Oh heís the blue-eyed boy, isnít he! Canít go wrong, can he!

NP: And er whether he shows off or not, as long as he doesnít deviate from the subject on the card...

KW: All that Leloir stuff! A load of shish wasnít it! Did you hear that!

NP: A load of shish! All right, 18 seconds left for the press Peter starting now.

PJ: In Italy they make often a sweeter type of juice which is um...

BUZZ

NP: Um Andree Melly challenged, why?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think the hesitation was definite enough there Peter. So I agree with the challenge, Andree gets another point and there are 12 seconds left for the press starting now.

AM: I would like to talk about journalists and newspapers and the like. These people can be very frightening...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I think comparing a journalist to a newspaper, I just... I donít see how you can compare a piece of paper to a human being.

KW: Therefore itís devious. Thatís right, thatís true. That is true.

NP: Yes thatís true, I suppose, you canít compare a journalist to a newspaper...

AM: Thatís mad!

PJ: What about a repetition? She said sheís like to talk about...

NP: Itís too late now for that Peter! You should have come before! Yeah thatís a very subtle point and I think therefore itís a legitimate point because you canít therefore compare the newspaper and the press. So um, whatís the matter?

AM: I wasnít comparing them, I was going to...

KW: Well we canít have an inquest on it! Come on, letís hurry up!

AM: ... talk about press as a collective noun and press as a...

KW: We canít have an inquest on it, can we! Going on and on about it!

NP: Well from what you said Andree... oh Iíll put it to the audience, I donít know. Do you agree with Clementís challenge? If you do, will you please cheer, if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre on your side Andree, youíre all right, you have a point and there are four seconds left for the press starting now.

AM: People who write for these said magazines, journals and...

WHISTLE

KW: What a load of rubbish!

NP: At the end of that round Andree again was speaking as the whistle went and she has now gained a lead. Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin.

KW: Thank goodness! I mean, I mean thank goodness! I havenít been given a chance!

NP: Well this is a very apt subject that Ian Messiterís chosen for you...

KW: Yes?

NP: We hope you display it, but we know that sometimes we would like to see it.

KW: Awwww!

NP: Self-control.

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Can you talk to us Kenneth about self-control for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This process begins in the cranium, and conveys through various nerve centres down the spine to the body the instructions which it wants to deliver. I.e., it will say do not move. In certain circumstances immobile action is the best... oh thatís ridiculous, you canít be immobile and in action...

BUZZ

KW: (laughs)

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: Itís not possible really so itís total rubbish!

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid out of your own mouth, you committed yourself Kenneth. So 30 seconds for self-control Clement starting now.

CF: When I bought a twin engined aeroplane and was... thought...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Hesitation!

NP: All right, I must agree. You couldnít get it out quick enough, could you. All right I agree Kenneth, you have a point, and 25 seconds for self-control starting now.

KW: When I said to this woman in this terrible press "will you take me into your abode?" she said "control yourself!" But I couldnít because I was throbbing with it! I said to her "Iím here to demonstrate these briefs are butch, as part of the campaign for masculinity". Who better than me, I thought. She said "get out of it!" I said "vous avez suggeste..."

BUZZ

NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained an extra point. And if thats how he behaves to the press, I must say he does display tremendous self-control doesnít he. Ah Clement Freud your turn to begin. Unusual things I have eaten. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Possibly the most unusual thing I have eaten was a tapioca pudding. And it was extraordinary in that I believed it to be sago. And it was only after three or four mouthfuls the true realisation...

BUZZ

NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Hesitation. Didnít he hesitate?

NP: No...

PJ: It seemed to me he hesitated.

NP: No he, no almost but not quite Peter.

PJ: No.

NP: I have to be fair on this, I donít think he really hesitated. So Clement gets another point and there are 44 seconds left for unusual things I have eaten starting now.

CF: Recently in a competition I was asked to judge a boiler chicken and rearrange it in a well-known phrase or saying. Before...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why...

KW: Deviation, you canít rearrange a boiler chicken into any phrases!

CF: Well Iíd like to know what the hell you can do with it!

KW: Oh donít be so rude!

NP: (laughs) I donít think you can rearrange a boiler chicken into a well-known phrase!

KW: Of course not!

NP: So Kenneth your indignation and your challenge gains you a point and there are 34 seconds for unusual things I have eaten starting now.

KW: Well this dumpling was served and I thought itís terrible and cut it open. And inside was this unpeeled lemon. And I chucked it down the lavatory but it kept coming up again! And I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Clement, Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Why?

CF: It kept coming up again!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right, give Clement Freud a bonus point for a good challenge but as Kenneth hasnít strictly speaking deviated from the subject on the card, he keeps going for 22 seconds on unusual things I have eaten starting now.

KW: Little knowing that I had taken my fatherís stomach powder from what was marked the flour bin I made cheese straws. When I ate them the result was revolting! And I came over all funny! I was sort of green. People said "oooooohh, you all right? You look queer!"

WHISTLE

NP: Well before Kenneth could go any further with how he looked then, thank goodness, the whistle went and he gained an extra point and heís still equal together in third place, just a little behind Peter Jones now, not quite so far behind who is still behind our leader who is still Andree Melly. Andree your turn to begin, the subject is rubbish. Can you talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

AM: Many a 60-second minute on this programme could be said to be rubbish that is spoken. If you are very good at it...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: It doesnít make any sense! Many a 60-minute second could be called rubbish! I mean, itís rubbish! Sheís talking nonsense!

NP: I know sheís talking rubbish! Itís terribly clever!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So I think by every count she wins and she has 50 seconds to continue on rubbish starting now.

AM: I... donít really want to talk about this subject...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

KW: Sheís obviously totally incompetent! They should never have women on the show!

NP: All right Kenneth so youíve gained a point and you have 47 seconds on rubbish starting now.

KW: What an appalling occurrence when this stuff was not taken away as it should have been! Piling high in the streets! And the odour! "Pooh!" I was crying! And the caretaker saying "stacked in the yard, it is. When will the operatives appear? They donít like to be called dustmen! Cleansing their offer.. oh...

BUZZ

KW: Oh bother!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: Who got me?

NP: Your friend next to you.

KW: You rotter! Oh the dirty rotter! How could you do a thing like that! I was really going then!

NP: Clement Freud I agree with your challenge so you take over the subject of rubbish and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

CF: There are many survey companies specifically in the United States who go through peopleís rubbish or kitchen refuse if you like to determine their consumption and their rejection of products on the open market. A friend of mine called Witherspoon was recently employed with such a corporation in order to ascertain...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: I donít believe heís got this friend Witherspoon!

NP: Now this is the problem, I donít know whether youíve got a friend Witherspoon or not. And we know weíre getting towards the end of the game and we know that itís just towards the end of this round and thereís two seconds to go and I will have to put you on your honour Clement Freud. Have you got a friend called Witherspoon? Oh heís honest! He hasnít!

KW: Oh! Oh lovely! Very sane!

NP: But you take back all the things youíve just said about him!

KW: Sorry I should never have done it! Oh Clem will you forgive me? (kisses CF several times)

NP: So Clement Freudís honesty gave Kenneth Williams a point, there are two seconds to go on rubbish Kenneth starting now.

KW: Oh I didnít mean to have it! Itís bizarre! I really didnít! Oh no...

WHISTLE

NP: And we have a very very close finish because that is all we have time for and we have to finish now. And just in fourth place is Clement Freud but heís only one point behind the third place person who is Peter Jones who is only one point behind the second place person who is Kenneth Williams who is only one point behind this weekís winner, once again Andree Melly! Iím sorry that we have no more time to play Just A Minute. We hope that youíve enjoyed this particular edition of the game and from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.