JAM:PMerton,DNimmo,CFreud,MMcErlane
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and MARIA McERLANE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 January 1996)

NOTE: Maria McErlane's first appearance, Jolanta Zbucki's first appearance blowing the whistle.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to introduce the four talented performers who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back two of the regular older players of the game which is Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. We welcome another regular player from a different generation, thatís Paul Merton. And someone who has never played the game before, that is Maria McErlane. Would you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Jolanta Zbucki. And on this show she will keep the score, blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And as usual I will ask the players of the game to speak on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the city of Nottingham. And we will start the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek, well, who else to begin a show in Nottingham than Robin Hood. Will you talk about Robin Hood for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Well Iím sorry to repeat you, but Robin Hood and his merry men. Alan aí Dale, Will Scarlett, Friar Tuck, Little John. What a gathering they were. These chaps who wander through Sherwood Forest. But you know, the city of Nottingham, they seem to concentrate too much, I think, on Robin Hood. Youíve got other great citizens of this fine town too. Why do you only emphasise Robin Hood? What about Byron, the great Lord who was born here? Why not have a stair about...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton has challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Repetition of why not.

NP: Why not.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The audience laughed...

DN: Very mean challenges you do actually!

NP: No, no, I think it was a very good challenge. And you had been going for er 34 seconds as well. And itís nice to hear from somebody else, Paul Merton got in first. And because itís a correct challenge he gains a point for that, he takes over the subject and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

PM: Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor, which is the exact opposite of the National Lottery. I remember seeing the television series Robin Hood, starring Richard Greene, and what a wonderful programme that was. Made in those far off days in the 1950s where the black and white programmes were the norm on television...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of programme.

NP: Yes, those wonderful programmes, black and white programmes.

PM: Programme and programmes, wasnít it?

NP: I think youíre right actually, yes. So um Clement Iím sorry, incorrect challenge. So Paul gets a point for an incorrect challenge, keeps the subject and there are 14 seconds left starting now.

PM: Errol Flynn made his name in Hollywood...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of made.

NP: Yes, you said...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement youíve cleverly got in with 12 seconds on Robin Hood, and a point of course for a correct challenge, starting now.

CF: Robin Hood was a 14th century legend according to pernographers who ascribe, Piers Plowman, printed in 1377, as mentioning him before...

WHISTLE

NP: That was Clement Freud who has taken the lead at the end of the round. Paul Merton will you take the next round, the subject is rabbit. Weíve had quite a lot of rabbiting in this programme over the years. But will you talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

PM: When I was younger we had a lovely pet rabbit called Gordon. He was fluffy, white, everything a rabbit should be. And one Sunday we had him for lunch! I donít mean that we ate him, we actually invited him to join us at our dinner table on the Sabbath and he came along. And he dressed up neatly in a nice little tuxedo. And he was very pleased, because we thought "well, what do you give a rabbit?" So we thought "well, he eats his own dung." So we put that on a plate, with some Brussel sprouts. And I must say this rabbit was more than pleased with himself. And after a while he actually developed, I donít know how, a singing voice. And he used to entertain all the old people down at the local retirement home with his versions of the Johnny Mathis hits like Winter Wonderland and When A Child Is Born...

BUZZ

NP: And Maria McErlane has challenged. Maria?

MARIA McERLANE: Um, I donít believe him.

NP: Itís lovely to hear from you Maria. Itís one of those impossible decisions in Just A Minute because I mean...

PM: You do believe me, do you?

LAUGHTER FROM MM, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, it is that if you wish to keep going, you can go into a flight of fantasy which is great fun and so forth. But as you havenít played the game before Maria, and weíd love to hear from you, Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you have a point of course. Eighteen seconds on rabbit starting now.

MM: Rabbits for me have always been associated with myxamatosis, a word that I learnt as a child, and I always thought was a Greek Archbishop, much like Macarios, for much of my youth. So when I heard the song Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel, I realised that myxamatosis made the rabbits...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Iím sorry, Derek challenged with a quarter...

DN: Repetition of myxamatosis.

NP: I know, she didnít actually get the word out before you pressed your buzzer!

MM: He hates me!

PM: How can it be a correct challenge if she hadnít got the word out...

NP: I donít know.

MM: I was going to say Mixamataxis!

PM: Are we allowed psychic, psychic challenges?

NP: Iím going to say that as he challenged in the middle of the word and you hadnít actually got it out, you didnít actually repeat myxamatosis. Iím giving a logical interpretation here, and say that was an incorrect challenge so you have another point and you have quarter of a second on rabbit starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Repetition of myxamatoe!

LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You canít have retrospective challenges and she hasnít said anything on that particular occasion. So thatís another incorrect challenge and you have one seventh of a second on rabbit starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

MM: Theyíre being very hard!

NP: The whistle should have gone in one seventh of a second!

WHISTLE

NP: Right! Maria got a point for not speaking when the whistle went! And at the end of that round, sheís got about five points and sheís in the lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud would you take the next round, the subject is barge. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: A barge is a slow moving flat bottomed thing, rather like Nicholas Parsons, only it goes on water. And if you go to the canal here in Nottingham, you will see barges, usually two of them, motors and butties, the latter one of these having a kitchen and a dining room whereas the former has the engine which propels the pair of boats up and down towards wherever north and south lead to. Barge is also a word used for shoulder pushing another footballer or a rugby player, in order to keep possession of a ball which the other person, he who makes physical contact, may well be trying to establish. The Royal Barge on which Her Majesty the Queen inspects the troops or the Navy or indeed the Air Force either, goes up and down the river Thames...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton has challenged.

PM: Repetition of up and down.

NP: Yes, you did go up and down before, Iím afraid Clement, yes.

CF: Ah!

NP: And Paul youíve got in with three seconds to go on the subject of barge starting now.

PM: My pet rabbit Gordon used to work on a barge and he...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And heís taken the lead at the end of that round. Maria McErlane your turn to begin, the subject habits. Weíve had rabbits, now we have habits. Can you talk on that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

MM: Habits are something I know quite a lot about, being a convent girl myself. And itís true that convent girls do indeed have very bad...

BUZZ

NP: Derek.

DN: Repetition of convent.

NP: Yes so Derek, a point to you and there are 53 seconds starting now.

DN: I know itís very difficult to get out of bad habits. I was brought up and taught by my mother always to open doors and let ladies go through. To stand up on a crowded tram or car or railway train to let members of the fair sex and the old people I meet sit down. But this doesnít really happen any more. I got in a lift only yesterday and I stood back and a woman wouldnít go past me, because I was letting her pass. You see, with these very old habits, itís very difficult to get rid of them. I think this world is becoming a very discourteous place. Not so charming. I think that manners do maketh man. And manners are... something which I said before...

BUZZ

DN: ...so I rather regret it actually!

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of myxamatosis!

NP: No, there was a repetition of manners, well done, 14 seconds are left for habits with you Paul, starting now.

PM: I have a habit of chewing other peopleís fingernails. And this really annoys them! They may be out shopping, or perhaps at a football match. And suddenly I will creep up behind them, grab hold of their hand, bite right into the end of that digit...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking once again as the whistle went, gained an extra point, and has increased his lead at the end of that round. And itís his turn to begin and the subject is stars starting now.

PM: Mary Pickford was generally acknowledged as the very first star of the cinema. She became known as Little... well, I canít say it because itís first name repeated. But audiences in America loved her. She used to play sort of gamine roles. Itís a very odd word now, you donít hear it. Itís not like gammon, which sounds, which is a kind of bacon. Itís another word which obviously I canít mention again. She started work in the 1908, I believe it was, for a director called DW Griffith. And she made a series of films for a studio called Cafe. Now these particular movies were so popular with audiences of the time that they had to know who she was. Because generally the policy at that er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged first.

CF: Ah hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, 16 seconds Clement, stars. Tell us something about them starting now.

CF: Iím very keen on the Plough, a constellation which you catch if you look for the Northern Star and an eyeline will reach the constellation which Iíve just mentioned before...

BUZZ

NP: So Maria you challenged.

MM: Yes I, I, I challenged because he hesitated and went...

NP: No, he repeated constellation.

MM: Oh right. But, but, no, but also I was going to say...

DN: Nicholas why donít you come and play the game instead of just...

NP: All right!

MM: I donít think you can catch a star either, which I think Clement mentioned.

NP: Oh yes...

PM: Catch a star and put it in your pocket!

MM: No, but thatís rubbish as we know. You canít...

NP: Oh no, no, Iíve done it regularly.

MM: Have you?

NP: Itís one of my pastimes. Yes...

MM: Youíre on drugs Nicholas!

NP: I know. Maria you have one second to tell us something about stars starting now.

BUZZ

MM: (laughs)

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

MM: Oh please!

NP: Well he...

MM: Arenít I allowed even to take a breath? Have I just got to be ready with my breath now?

NP: You see, I always say, yes, Iím afraid you have to, theyíre wicked, they give you no quarter! So Derek, you have half a second on stars starting now.

DN: The milky way!

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No! Maria challenged you!

DN: Oh Iím sorry, before you said now, I said "the milky way".

NP: No but she also challenged, what was your challenge?

MM: Just being irritating really!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, the subject, punch. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: Punch is the Hindu word for five, that being the number of ingredients in the drink punch. I think aromatics, alcohol, spice, fruit, and of course the most important, water. Go into any bar and ask for punch and the majority of what you will have in your glass, the major part of it, will be...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of part.

NP: Part, yes, you did say part.

CF: Parts and part.

NP: No, it was parts before, IĎm sorry, youíre quite right Clement. The subject is still with you Clement, punch, 35 seconds starting now.

CF: Punch is also if you hit somebody in the face, especially with a boxing glove in a ring when Frank Warren or one of those promoters pays you huge sums of money. And television networks which are not terrestrial but only able to be watched by those who are moneyed or like to pay huge sums towards watching...

BUZZ

NP: Maria challenged.

MM: Repetition of sums.

NP: Yes. Eleven seconds are available for you Maria on punch starting now.

MM: Punch was an early wife beater, ah, who lived with somebody called Judy. And I believe he also lived with a crocodile...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He lived with too many people.

NP: Yes. Yes so lived, repetition. And two seconds, Derek, punch starting now.

DN: Gosh I donít like boxing very much. I used to belong to the world sporting club and very...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Heís equal now in second place with Maria McErlane and Paul Merton is still in the lead. And Maria it is your turn to begin, the subject sponge. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

MM: Sponge is a good word to describe the top of my thighs, er, probably because I eat too much of the jam and cream variety, and not enough of the trainer variety...

BUZZ

MM: Oh variety variety!

NP: Yes, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I donít believe it!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Forty-five seconds, sponge, starting now.

CF: Sponge is a lowly sort of animal life. It has an IQ of hardly anything at all. And you can use it in a bath which shows what a negative substance it is, to scrub your thighs, or anyone elseís, regardless of what shape they might be. I had a sponge in a hotel bedroom which I used to frequent in Sutherland...

BUZZ

NP: Maria youíve challenged.

MM: Deviation, that he had a sponge in a hotel bedroom, surely!

NP: Whatís...

CF: You get, you get your pleasure where you can!

NP: And um we will give you a bonus point Maria because we enjoyed the challenge, but he wasnít actually deviating in any sense. So Clement you have a point for being interrupted, you keep the subject, 19 seconds, sponge starting now.

CF: There used to be a Turkish bath in Russell Square called the Imperial. And...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so Paul. Sponge is with you and there are 13 seconds left starting now.

PM: Mr Kipling is known for his sponges. Apparently they are exceedingly good. He gets the ingredients, which Clement will probably know, but I shall tell those of you out there who arenít entirely sure of what you need to make a sponge...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton once again was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and has increased his lead at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject sally forth. Will you talk on it, 60 seconds, starting now.

DN: A very great friend of mine called Geoffrey Palmer reached middle age without having got married. He does a series called Second Time Around which you may see on television quite frequently. And he drew up a list of people that he thought would be eligible to be his bride. First of course came Judi Dench. Second Edwina Currie, and thirdly Shirley Bassey. They all turned him down but Sally, fourth, won. And she, actually her maiden name was Sally Green and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Repetition of Green.

NP: No, no, no, no, no, I think you thought it was repetition of Sally which is on the card and you can repeat...

CF: What do you mean you think I thought?

NP: Well thatís the only assumption I can make...

CF: I said repetition...

NP: I know your agile mind, you quickly change it...

CF: I said repetition...

NP: ..by saying repetition of green. And I had to do a quick sort of recall and think did you repeat green. And I didnít hear him say green before, so it was an incorrect challenge. But it was well tried. And sally forth is still with Derek Nimmo with 30 seconds left starting now.

DN: Bradagina that famous Venetian General used to sally forth from the Wars of Farmagusta when he was surrounded by the Turks through the Sally Gate. And attack them with such courage that he managed to hold the castle for some... one year...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Paul, he tried to change the word, failed and the second went. Fifteen seconds left, and for you on sally forth starting now.

PM: Anybody in the audience who read girlsí comics when they were younger will remember The Four Marys. But there was another equally nice strip called The Four Sallys...

BUZZ

PM: (laughs) Four!

NP: Clement, you got him on the four. Six seconds, Clement, sally forth starting now.

CF: I read recently that 96 percent of all journalists approve of condom machines in public conveniences. So...

WHISTLE

NP: I think the programme was saved by the whistle on that occasion! But Clement was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And heís in second place, equal with Maria McErlane, and Derek Nimmoís just behind, and Paul Mertonís still in the lead. And itís Paul, your turn to begin, swedes. Tell us something about them in this game please starting now.

PM: I never liked swedes. They taste horrible, almost as bad as the vegetables. But if you want to cook a Swede, you must persuade him to climb into a very large pot. Itís best if he takes his clothes off first, because otherwise you get this rather nasty woolly after taste. And you put it in the oven for two or three hours or until he stops screaming, and if you prepare a large vat of custard, ah, then that gives you something to do while heís actually boiling away. Iíve never been to Sweden but my best friend has. And he says itís a wonderful country. You can walk around and there are Swedes everywhere. You go into shops, there they are. Walk into any cinema you care...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of walk.

NP: Yes, you were walking a bit too much there. And 20 seconds available for swedes with you Derek starting now.

DN: My favourite Swede is Ralf Tserlund which is spelled T-S-E-R-L-U-N-D. Curious name! I met him funnily enough in Aberwiskwith which is not the sort of place you expect to meet a Swede...

BUZZ

DN: But there he was!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: He didnít spell Aberwiskwith!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Very few people can! But Clement, an amusing challenge, we give you a bonus point for that because we enjoyed it, but he wasnít actually committing any of the sins of Just A Minute. So he gets another point for being interrupted, keeps the subject, Derek six seconds, swedes starting now.

DN: One of my favourite root vegetables...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Didnít we have favourite before?

NP: Ah yes because it was the favourite Swede before, and this was a favourite root vegetable. So well done Paul, five seconds on Swedes starting now.

PM: I remember when we were served up our school dinners at the age of seven, Iíd look it down...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton was again speaking as the whistle went, increased his lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject is Hector. Will you tell us something about him in this game starting now.

CF: Traditionally in legend, Hector was Prianís eldest son. But itís also about 2-point-1-5 of an acre. And those of you who own property as Mrs Thatcher would be so pleased to learn, will realise that if you buy a 50 hectare plot, it is very much bigger than... oh hesitated...

BUZZ

NP: Maria challenged.

MM: He couldnít follow through with that, could he.

NP: I agree with your challenge and carry on for 35 seconds if you can on Hector starting now.

MM: Hector had a house in my childhood, along with Kiki. Ah, I think they followed...

BUZZ

NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Repetition of ki!

CRIES OF "AWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh dear! I think his name was Kiki and not ki-hyphen-ki...

MM: It was a she!

NP: It was a she, I know it was, yes. Maria Iím not going to allow it...

MM: I think Iíve lost the will to live anyway Nicholas, so...

NP: I think youíve got 29 seconds on Hector starting now.

MM: Hector and hectoring are something that stand-up comedians often... suffer....

BUZZ

MM: Eurgh!

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Mmmm!

NP: I think so, yes! Hectorís back with you Clement, 23 seconds starting now.

CF: Hectorís really an excellent name for a dog, spelt H-E-C-T-O-R or...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Thatís not how you spell dog!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So if oneís going to be logical, Iíve got to give it to you Paul. Okay Paul, 15 seconds, Hector starting now.

PM: The programme to which Maria was referring to earlier was Hectorís House...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Grammatically.

NP: Yes, carry on.

CF: The programme to which Maria was referring to.

NP: We can be colloquial. Iím not going to allow it. No Paul, carry on...

DN: Look, Vivian Shepherdís very much opposed to the sort of decision youíre giving!

NP: Sheís never played Just A Minute! And never likely to! Eleven seconds Paul, 11 seconds Paul on Hector starting now.

PM: Kevin Hector was a very popular player with Derby County in the mid 1970s. And although we are speaking from the wonderful situation of Nottingham, there may indeed be some fans about...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton gained another extra point, speaking as the whistle went, and heís in a very strong lead as we go into the last round. If you want to know, Clement Freudís in second place, then Maria McErlane and then Derek Nimmo equal with Maria. And Maria itís your turn to begin. So will you take the last round and talk on fripperies if you can for Just A Minute starting now.

MM: Fripperies are items of meaningless consequence or useless trifles. Although in my experience trifles can never be...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Too much trifle.

NP: There was too much trifle, yes.

MM: Iíve got spongy thighs!

NP: I know! Derek, 52 seconds are left for fripperies. Will you tell us something about...

DN: Actually my family made their money, curiously enough near here, in Ilkeston, by making fripperies lace. They had factories round there and indeed in Nottingham. And I spent a lot of my youth looking at these now vanished fabrics, because they couldnít sell them any more. That was what was a tremendous sadness. These great mills went broke! And the whole of Nottingham collapsed because...

BUZZ

NP: Paul.

PM: Repetition of Nottingham.

NP: Nottingham, yes, you mentioned Nottingham before.

DN: Well, why not?

NP: I know! Why not! Thirty-one seconds for you Paul on fripperies starting now.

PM: Nottingham, Nottingham, Nottingham, Nottingham, Nottingham...

BUZZ

NP: So Derek Nimmo challenged. Derek youíve got in again on fripperies, 29 seconds starting now.

DN: I used to go down Petticoat Lane on a Sunday morning, looking for the little fripperies that I could give to my wife...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of little.

NP: You mentioned little before.

DN: When?

NP: Right at the beginning, when you were talking about lace.

DN: Tell me the sentence!

CF: He was listening!

NP: I canít give you the exact quote but you were talking about the little places you go to and these lovely little lace things that were made.

DN: I never said they were little! That would be a grave slur on Nottingham! It was the centre of the lace trade!

PM: Iíve got a feeling this programme is being taped. So we could listen back...

DN: Of course I said little, Iím not dispute about that... But repetition, youíve got to say little twice! Just think about it Nicholas! Go on! Slowly! Get your abacus out and work it out!

PM: If he gets his abacus out, Iím going home!

NP: All right, Derek didnít repeat the word little. Derek you have 11 seconds in the final round to tell us something more about fripperies starting now.

DN: Go to Harrodís any day of the week and you will...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Not if you go on a Sunday!

DN: Itís open on a Sunday!

PM: Is it open on a Sunday?

DN: Yeah, yeah.

NP: But if they werenít open, you could still go to Harrodís on a Sunday so itís not illogical...

PM: All right! Can I change it then?

NP: No! Itís too late now!

PM: Could I have non-repetition of the word little?

NP: Derek you have another point, you have 10 seconds on fripperies starting now.

DN: Nottingham Goose Fair is probably the best place in the whole wide world! Not only to have tremendous fun but also to have...

BUZZ

NP: Maria challenged.

DN: Whatís the matter with you?

MM: He said tremendous from earlier on.

NP: He did say tremendous earlier on.

DN: Did I?

NP: Yes, definitely. Mariaís got in with three seconds to go on fripperies starting now.

MM: Fripperies also...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! Right, Mariaís got another point, two seconds, fripperies starting now.

MM: Fripperies are long thin tubes of do-nut...

WHISTLE

NP: Yes! Right, so that last exhausting round has finally come to an end. We do hope youíve enjoyed Just A Minute as much as weíve enjoyed playing it. Let me give you the final score. Clement Freud actually finished in fourth place which is unusual, one point behind Maria. And she was only one point behind Derek Nimmo, and they were all a few points behind Paul Merton so we say the most points, he is our winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to our four delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Maria McErlane and Derek Nimmo. I also must thank Jolanta Zbucki who kept the score for the first time and has blown her whistle with great aplomb. Also our producer Anne Jobson who looks after us and keeps an eye on our shenanigans. And also the creator of the game, Ian Messiter, who thought it up and kept us in work for over 28 years. And from me, Nicholas Parsons, hope youíve enjoyed the show. Tune in again the next time we take to the air and play Just A Minute. Bye-bye!

THEME MUSIC