JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 January 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again, we have our four most experienced players of the game who are going to do battle in this verbal battle of wits and try and win at Just A Minute. Iím going to ask each one of them if they can speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And according to how well they do this, they will win points or lose them. And so let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth will you talk to us for 60 seconds if you can on sensible winter underwear. A good subject to start the programme with, and you start now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well of course, I always believe in these old sayings. Donít cast a clout till May is out. And therefore I do not leave off the interlock woollens until that period is reached. You canít beat wool! Indeed it has been written on posters that there is no substitute for it. Just like myself! There is no replica. Nothing more beautiful or cosy does exist in this land than something wool on me! People...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Andree Melly...

KW: How dare... (splutters loudly)

NP: Youíve been going on very well for over 30 seconds but Andree has challenged you. Andree what is your challenge?

ANDREE MELLY: Repetition, two wools.

NP: Sensible winter underwear, wool is not in the title on the card, so itís perfectly correct, you have repeated wool Kenneth. So I agree with Andreeís challenge and she takes a point and the subject and she has 27 seconds for sensible winter underwear starting now.

AM: If you are a woman, this is very difficult to find. Those thick woolly vests are not suitable because they ruffle round the arms where the sleeves are and put on inches round your waist. A spencer, thatís a good thing...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones challenged you, why?

PETER JONES: Repetition of round.

NP: Yes indeed, you did have too much roundness there Andree, repetition of round. So I agree with Peterís challenge, he gains a point and 14 seconds left for sensible winter underwear Peter, starting now.

PJ: I donít know what the perfect solution is. Something that one can wear on television when the lights are very hot. And also still have on when one is queuing up for a bus when the programme is over...

WHISTLE

NP: These little glimpses of peopleís life you get from this programme! I saw Peter Jones in his sensible winter underwear queuing for a bus!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: That whistle by the way tells...

PJ: I wear my raincoat over them of course!

NP: Ah good, weíre reassured Peter! That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones, so at the end of the first round, he has a lead of one over Andree Melly, and the others have yet to score. Um Peter Jones, your turn to begin. And the subject is my favourite sport. Can you talk to us about that for Just A MInute starting now.

PJ: Yes Iím very pleased to talk about it, because itís something that my wife is able to join me in. We both love going out into the country and hunting for houses. Not that we are unhappy about the domicile in which we exist. But we do always have a dream, that somewhere over the hill or possibly over the sea from...

BUZZ

NP: And a challenge from Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two overs.

NP: Yes you went over too much with that. So I agree with Kennethís challenge, he gains a point and he has now 33 seconds for my favourite sport starting now.

KW: Well itís very unfortunate because I donít have one!

BUZZ

NP: And someone has challenged you. Clement Freud pressed his buzzer first, what is it Clement?

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation, he stopped.

NP: A hesitation, I agree with Clementís challenge, he gains a point for a correct one, has 30 seconds to continue with my favourite sport starting now.

CF: My favourite sport is baiting Kenneth Williams. I creep down Baker Street at dawn of a Tuesday, with a piccadillo in one hand, and a gherkin in another. My spring vest contains newts. And reaching the north end of that thoroughfare, I have a poster of the aforesaid team member of this game, Just A Minute, and... get all sorts of...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Andree Melly challenged you.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: I think so, he was doing so well, trying to find different phrases for the same, er, expression all the way through and he almost made it for there were only four seconds left. Andree got in with a correct challenge and she continues with my favourite sport starting now.

AM: My favourite sport is called Freda McDyke. She was the games and gym mistress...

WHISTLE

NP: So Andree getting in just before the whistle kept the subject, gained the extra point for speaking as the whistle went and has a lead of one over everybody else at the end of the second round. Clement Freud, your turn to begin. The most fun I ever had. can you tell us about that in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The most fun I ever had, starting now, is a fantastic woman, sitting in the eighth row with purple hair and a glass eye. We are going to have such a fantastically cheerful time when this programme is over. And Iím sorry about speaking in the future but since I came in and I notice that astonishing twitch of my left toe as I caught her eye, she mine, we sit there... Iím going to stop now because...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged you.

CF: Quite right!

AM: Because he was going to stop there.

KW: Well he didnít stop, did he?

NP: So why did you challenge?

AM: The hesitation he was about to do!

NP: Andree no, because you see he actually hadnít stopped, he was still going on on the subject. Actually he was talking in the future so he was at that moment being devious, but you didnít challenge...

AM: He was being devious!

NP: Too late now! No he hadnít actually stopped, he was still going on. Until we get a correct challenge Clement Freud keeps the subject with another point of course for a wrong challenge. And there are 26 seconds left starting now.

CF: On March the 18th 1951, it was picnic time. Mummy, Daddy, Auntie Mabel and Uncle Jim came into my bedroom at 9.15 and said ďitís outing!Ē And the share bore was outside, and the car, the chauffeur, the maid, the butler. We all went to Lowestoft and then Yarmouth...

BUZZ

NP: Andree...

CF: ... up the coast to Sherringham....

NP: Andreeís challenged your outing, Iím sorry.

CF: Really?

NP: A challenge, whatís your challenge this time Andree?

CF: Hesitation?

AM: Well snobbism! I mean you canít have all those many servants, itís too embarrassing!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You canít and he probably hasnít, and probably never did...

AM: Itís devious! Devious!

NP: But he never established that those servants had anything to do with him and he was still keeping going on the most fun I ever had. He might have had it with the butler and the parlour maid and the cook for all we know!

AM: He has another point!

NP: He hasnít deviated from the subject to be perfectly accurate Andree. So he keeps it and there are eight seconds left starting now.

CF: He wore a mackintosh and I had Wellington boots when the man came along and said with a whip and a face like yours...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím delighted that the whistle went just then before we got really devious. I think we were about to have it. But Clement Freud started with the subject, and in spite of challenges kept going on the subject. He now has a lead, he has four, Andree has three, Peter Jones has two and Kenneth Williams has one point at the end of that round. And Andree Melly your turn to begin. Why good cooking is a mark of civilisation. Can you talk on that particular subject for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Clement Freud as we all know is a very good cook. And a mark of civilisation if ever I saw one. So... the reason is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, a man cannot be a mark.

NP: I donít think he can be a mark of civilisation, no, I quite agree. Especially Clement Freud! So there we have it, I agree with your challenge Kenneth, you gain a point and you have 50 seconds for why good cooking is a mark of civilisation starting now.

KW: Well of course good cooking is not a mark of civilisation. And indeed in Periclean Athens which was one of the most advanced civilisations weíve ever known, the cooking was appalling! They used to do this stuff on a spit, you know, and it used to revolve round. They used to throw this grease on, and they used to get (screeching) oh! The most terrible indigestion! And there was all the business going round afterwards! And the most awful regurgitation, such as (belching nose) noises!

BUZZ

KW: All the time you see!

NP: Clement Freud has challenged before you got your belch in.

CF: Regurgitation!

NP: What?

CF: Itís repetition.

NP: Of what? (laughs)

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

NP: Coming back! Somebody gave you the line to say itís coming back instead of me saying it! Itís all right. Regurgitation, repetition. Very good challenge, give him a point for a clever idea. But as Kenneth Williams did not deviate from the subject of why good cooking is a mark of civilisation, he keeps the subject and continues for 26 seconds starting now.

KW: The assumption has always been of course that indeed the most sophisticated nation in Europe, undoubtedly the French, do hold the field here. But the best kind of food can be obtained in that country, the best cooking I mean. And...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of best.

NP: Yes I agree with your challenge, you take a point and you have 10 and a half seconds for why good cooking is a mark of civilisation starting now.

CF: I suppose if you went down the High Street of Vaduz which is the capital of Liechtenstein and came across a toad-in-the-hole, you would be justified in thinking...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím fascinated to know what we would be justified in thinking Clement?

CF: Me too!

NP: Once again saved by the whistle, you get an extra point for speaking when the whistle Clement, and youíve increased your lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones, your turn, old jokes. Do you know any Peter? But if not, can you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Iím very pleased to talk about them, because I collect them, just as other people go around picking up antiques, or storing bottles...

BUZZ

NP: And Andree Melly challenged you.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes and she goes around picking up points because I agree, with that hesitation Andree. You have 50 seconds for old jokes starting now.

AM: Theyíre called chestnuts very often, I donít really know why. Comedians tell them, and do them up in different ways to try and make them topical. I hate them. I get very nervous when people start telling jokes because I very rarely see the point. I believe there are only a few er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in first.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Clement. There are 33 seconds for old jokes starting now.

CF: A man went into a chemist shop and said ďdo you sell talcum powder?Ē And the chemist said ďcertainly sir, will you walk this way?Ē And the man said ďif I could walk that way, I wouldnít need the substance that I...Ē

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged your old joke.

KW: Well of course, he said walk twice.

NP: And of course he had to say it to say the joke.

KW: Exactly!

NP: Yes! I say, I say, I say, I say. I say youíve won a point there Kenneth and you have the subject of old jokes and 20 seconds for them starting now.

KW: A bloke rushed into the pub and he said ďmineís a lightĒ and the barmaid poured a bucket of cold water all over him! And another bloke went into a bar and...

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

KW: ...and another bloke rushed in and said ďmineís a large oneĒ. She said ďare you ordering or boasting?Ē

HUGE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth...

KW: They are both very old jokes!

NP: Really! Yes we can see the whiskers! You were challenged after the first one actually.

KW: Who challenged me?

NP: Your colleague beside you?

KW: Did you have the disloyalty?

NP: Yes! Clement why did you challenge that first...

CF: Two blokes, repetition.

NP: Was there?

CF: Repetition of bloke.

NP: Yes.

KW: Itís true, I did.

NP: There were two blokes in the first...

KW: Yes Iím sorry, I do apologise.

NP: Yes but you got the joke, and you got the laughs...

KW: Thatís true! Thatís true!

NP: You had two walks, so heís got it back again. Clement, another point to you, 14 seconds, old jokes starting now.

CF: This gentleman walked into a pharmaceutical store and said ďdo you sell toothbrushes?Ē and the assistant said ďcertainly sir, we have three kinds, bristle, two and six, nylon, three and nine...

BUZZ

CF: ...alligator hair, five shillings. And the man thought for a while and said ďI would like to purchase the latter because I have never heard of it before, to which the chemist said....

KW: (laughs)

BUZZ

CF: I canít go on because itís a filthy story! And I thought the whistle would blow!

NP: Andree challenged you a long while back actually. We wanted you to go on because I knew the end of it and I wanted to know if you dared to give it out. Andree what was your challenge way back?

AM: Well I wanted to save him embarrassment because I heard it too! Deviation, because I knew it was!

NP: Oh no Iím afraid he hadnít actually deviated from old jokes so itís back with you Clement...

AM: Right, finish it!

NP: Four seconds... four seconds left starting now.

CF: As he was about to conclude his purchase, yet another customer entered through the portals of the emporium dealing in articles such as...

SMALL LITTLE WHISTLE

CF: (silence)

WHISTLE

NP: Your very clean story gave you, ah, an increased lead at the end of the round over all the others. And Clement Freud weíre back with you, your turn to begin.

CF: Oh good!

NP: And the subject is charm. So can you talk to us for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

CF: Charm is a very elusive quality, sometimes to be seen in patrons of chemistís shops, who use talcum powder, toothbrushes, ointments and other emulsions to multiply the already existing factor of charm, already inherent in their person...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Two alreadys.

CF: Yes, yes, yes.

NP: Yes there was indeed yes. Well listened Kenneth. So you have the subject now of charm Kenneth and you have 40 seconds... And youíre looking at your most charming at the present moment I must say. And the audience have recognised it, thatís why theyíre laughing. And um, you start now.

KW: Well of course there are various varieties. I do symbolise theatrical charm and then there is the charm that is exerted by the man who has these snakes, and makes them do all kinds of exciting things and interests various passers-by in marketplaces in Morocco. I have stood enchanted, watching these gyrations as these reptiles wind themselves round the air and the flute there...

WHISTLE

NP: I think Kenneth Williams has got a new way to play this game, he speaks so quietly the other three canít hear him! We didnít know what you said Kenneth...

KW: That was your actual dulcet tones!

NP: Yes! It was so dulcet we didnít know whether you were repetitious, hesitationus, or um deviational. So there we are! Andree Melly we go from charm to the subject of powder. So can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: This is a particularly boring subject which I will try to talk about for 60 seconds. It comes in different shades from pale pink to green. If you have very red cheeks and want to get the glow down, there is the talcum variety which can be found in chemistís shops together with toothbrushes, toothpaste and other commodities. Not very expensive, but I donít quite know what itís made of. You can have it in large boxes or small ones, put it in a compact, gold, gilt, silver, whatever you wish. iím terribly fed up talking about this but no...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has helped you.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Iím terribly fed up talking about this has nothing to do with powder.

NP: She actually meant Iím fed up talking about this which was powder so she hasnít deviated from powder. So she still keeps the subject, having got another point for a wrong challenge...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you! And there are 25 seconds left starting now.

AM: There is the baby variety used to keep the small infrant from getting chapped in the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Thereís no such thing as a small infrant!

NP: (laughs) Thatís what happens if you put someone under pressure! Their infants become infrants! So you have the subject Kenneth and a point of course and 19 seconds for powder starting now.

KW: Well when you are ablaze with acne as I have frequently been, and you do...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged your acne!

KW: Who?

NP: Peter Jones.

KW: How dare you!

PJ: You canít be ablaze with acne!

KW: You havenít seen me, especially in puberty! You ask my mother, she had a terrible job! Pustules everywhere! I was covered in them! Oh it was a horrible site! People used to say ďcover him up for goodness sake!Ē I had a sack over me half the time! Sackcloth and ashes was my lot! I could tell you things that would make your hair curl!

NP: All right, our hairs are curling and weíve had a good... Iíll tell you what Iíll do because I think technically speaking if you use a phrase, you can use it sort of er...

KW: Of course! Iím using it euphemistically of course! Idiosyncratically! Itís a delight! Yeeeeeessss!

NP: Let the audience be the final judge. If they think that that phrase of ďablaze with acneĒ is not a good one, if they consider that that was devious, let them be the final judge on this difficult one. Iíll put it to them. If they agree with Peterís challenge, then would they cheer. And if they disagree would they boo, and would you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Youíre ablaze! Kenneth Williams, blaze away for 14 seconds on powder starting now.

KW: After applying a little erase, you powder down with of course the poudre rochelle. This gives one an inviting, almost...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged again.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: What?

PJ: He just changed the language!

NP: It wasnít repetition...

KW: I didnít say the same word, I said powder and then poudre.

PJ: Well you could go through the whole, all the languages in Europe doing that!

NP: But actually, the word powderís the word on the card which he didnít repeat and he hasnít used the word poudre before. So I donít see why he was being repetitious.

PJ: Well I thought Iíd try! I am in fourth place! Iíve nothing to lose! I canít er lose by a wider margin really!

CF: Unless we got more people in!

NP: Well Iíll tell you what you have done.

PJ: What?

CF: Unless we got some more competitors!

PJ: Yes we could do that! (laughs)

NP: Iíll tell you what you have done. Youíve now got the audience on your side, so maybe next time...

PJ: Well I donít know I want them after that!

NP: I must be fair to the rules of the game because otherwise I get so many brickbats from you and letters from others. So Kenneth as I disagree with the challenge and six seconds for powder starting now.

KW: I have frequently disappeared in a flurry of talcum powder and people have said ďgoodness gracious me, how incredible...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams was speaking then as the whistle went, he gained an extra point. He also got a number of points throughout that particular round with his acne and his powder so he has what he says he loves to do, leaped forward. But he hasnít leapt into the lead, but he has crept up most considerably on Clement Freud. Andree Melly is in third place, Peter Jones as you already know from his own lips is in fourth place. Kenneth the subject is for you now, I mean itís your turn. And the subject is the great bed of where. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well there was this grate, you see, and they all said ďwhere is this bed?Ē because they couldnít find out where it was, you see. The grate was there but not the bed! So they said ďlook here, we must have a bed because obviously (goes into high speed gibberish)

BUZZ

KW: (continues with Stanley Unwin-esque gibberish)

NP: Yes...

KW: But of course that wasnít done either, instead they put 12 into the bed which became (full speed gibbersih)

NP: Kenneth, long before you started speaking so quickly that nobody could understand you, Clement Freud chalenged you.

KW: Oh sorry.

NP: What was your challenge Clement?

CF: Ah... it was a long time ago. There was five grates. We did at one time establish that even if itís on the card...

NP: Actually at that particular moment, I was counting, I have a lot to do. There were three grates, three beds and three wheres. Right, Kenneth Williams has another point for an incorrect challenge, he has 47 seconds for the great bed of ware starting now.

KW: Well of course, it was this vast...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of of course.

KW: Iíve only just started, you fool! How can you say of course?

CF: Your initial 13 seconds...

KW: That doesnít count in your second gambit, you great nit!

NP: I donít think you said of course in this particular round.

KW: Thank you very much Nick! Exactly! Marvellous chairman! Brilliant!

NP: Forty-five seconds for you Kenneth on the great bed of ware starting now.

KW: It was in this vast public house that this bed was situated. And in that period, people frequently were known to sleep in the same object you see. So on one occasion there is historic record to the effect that 12 people were all in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes and there was a repetition of 12, so Clement Freud I agree with your challenge this time and there are 15 seconds left for the great bed of ware starting now.

CF: I had some friends called the Albues, who lived not far from Stevenage...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Irrelevant! Deviation! Devious rubbish!

NP: No Stevenage isnít very far from Ware.

KW: But, the long of it is nothing to do with it, itís in the British Museum, itís nothing to do with Ware.

NP: But Ware is in Hertfordshire and itís not far from Stevenage. If youíre going to talk about the great bed...

KW: Heís got the friends who live there now! The bedís been in the Museum for years! Whatís it got to do with it? Totally ....

NP: (laughs) For all you know, his friends may be in the Museum as well! No, he didnít deviate from the subject, there are six seconds left, the Great Bed of Ware Clement starting now.

CF: Who were passionately interested in Herfordhsire history which...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Repetition of Hertfordshire!

KW: (screams) Ah yes! Yes! Yes!

CF: I didnít say it.

KW: Definitely! You said it before!

CF: No!

KW: You said it before!

NP: No, I said Hertfordshire.

CF: Nick said it!

KW: Oh brilliant!

NP: You change your affections very rapidly!

KW: I know! Iíve gone off him! Iíve gone off him terribly!

NP: This used to be your friend who you supported...

KW: I know! But heís changed! Heís changed the after-shave!

NP: Iím sorry! Iíve got to be fair about this. I said Hertfordshire, not Clement Freud. So it was well tried. You, you, I know we wanted to hear from you Peter, it was lovely. But Iíve got to be accurate, two seconds for Clement on the great bed of Ware starting now.

CF: Taking an underground...

WHISTLE

NP: Ladies and gentlemen, Iím afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So it only remains for me to give you the final score. At the end of this particular edition of Just A Minute, you might not be surprised to hear after what you already heard that Peter Jones was in fourth place. He was a little way behind Andree Melly who was in third place, who was a little way behind Kenneth Williams who was in a good second place, but Kenneth was undoubtedly beaten by our winner this week, Clement Freud. We do hope that you have enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.