JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 January 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again, we have these four experienced people who enjoy this verbal battle of wits, Just A Minute. And Iím going to ask them, once again, if they can speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do it, they will gain points or lose points to their opponents. Thatís how we play and we begin the show this week with Andree Melly. Andree the subject is jazz, can you talk to us for 60 seconds on jazz starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: Jazz originated in America. It was born in the Negro spiritual and the work songs of the prison...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Because, it couldnít have been born. Birth is nativity and all the rest of it, and creation is human activity. And of course it was not a natural...

NP: Well actually, Iíve heard people talking about the creation of something other than a human...

KW: Well I donít care about that, Iím not interested in what youíve done!

NP: I know youíre not interested...

KW: I should have, I should have the subject, I think, donít you?

NP: I definitely think you should have the subject, but Iíd like...

KW: Thank you very much! Now about jazz...

NP: Iíd like you to get it legitimately. And I donít think... And Iím sure you would like to get it legitimately.

KW: Oh I donít mind illegitimacy at all. Not at all!

NP: Well all right, Iím afraid I disagree with your challenge Kenneth. So that means Andree gets a point for a wrong challenge...

KW: Ohhhhhh!

NP: She keeps the subject and 51 seconds left for jazz starting now.

AM: It then moved to the towns like New Orleans and was found in the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: There are no towns like New Orleans!

NP: You have a point for a clever challenge but it was not devious. Andree you keep the subject, jazz, 47 seconds left starting now.

AM: And brothels. Bessie Smith was one of the great exponents of blues, the classic form of jazz. Later Billie Holliday for example was a more sophisticated er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: I thought a hesitation there.

NP: Yes, you could have had her for deviation, a more sophisticated (makes raspberry noise). I donít know whether thatís going to air... Kenneth I agree with your challenge, you get a point and you take the subject over, there are 35 seconds for jazz starting now.

KW: Itís authentic quality was supposedly itís involuntary nature. The fact that these people could sit with a piano or with a trumpet, come out with these sounds which were impromptu, that is to say there was not a core, there was not a formal...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Andree Melly...

KW: Who had the au...? I think itís a nerve you know, I really do!

NP: Yes...

KW: I was throbbing with it, I was! I was concentrating then!

NP: Right at the beginning of the programme Andree was throbbing with it and you came in with it, a challenge.

KW: Yes but sheís womenís lib, Iím anti!

NP: Well the womenís lib challenged you on that one, Andree what was it?

AM: There was a repetition of not a and not a, right one after the other.

NP: Not a and not a, yes. I thought it was also a repetition of something else, but that oneís correct Andree. You keep the subject, Iím sorry, you get the subject back, you can have a point for a correct challenge, jazz, 13 seconds starting now.

AM: The front line instrumentalists intertwine the melody. And then one takes over occasionally, the bass player or the rhythm section is allowed to perform on his own, whoom-a boom-boom-boom...

WHISTLE

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) You were very lucky there Andree because Clement Freud challenged you, just on your doob-doob, and the bell went after the first doob, otherwise doob-doob-doob-doon-doob would be definitely repetitious. Whoever speaks when the whistle goes which tells us, by the way, that 60 seconds are up, gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Andree Melly so she has a commanding lead at the end of the first round. Kenneth Williams will you begin the second round, the subject, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide...

CRY OF ďOHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: What do you mean ďohĒ? Can you talk to us about those two characters for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: It derived from a novel, which was a load of rubbish, about a man who after taking some sort of potion became another person. And this gave rise to another lot of idiotic ideas connected with the modern world and psychology and schizophrenia which actually perpetrates...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Schrizophrenia, I didnít care for.

KW: I didnít say schritz, you great nit! How dare you put words in my mouth! And I donít know where theyíve been anyway!

NP: Schristzophenia or schizophrenia, I still think we knew what you meant. Forty-four seconds for you Kenneth with another point on the subject of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde starting now.

KW: And of course the idea was that they both represented the sides so to speak of the same coin. That one day you could have goodness and that another period evil. In fact the turnabout was accomplished with a whole mass of hair. He became hirsute to a degree and these teeth which were normally quite like dentures became fangish and horrible, the sort of mucus gathered about the lips, you see. There was a sort of migration...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged you.

CF: Repetition of sort of.

NP: Yes there was a repetition of sort of which is a bit mean but it was an accurate challenge. So you gain a point Clement and there are nine seconds left for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde...

KW: He leaves it till thereís nine seconds? Have you noticed that Peter? Have you noticed that Peter?

PETER JONES: Yes I have noticed that.

KW: Itís wicked isnít it! You see, he lets you do all the work and then he comes in on the end. Heís only got nine seconds to fill in, hasnít he? I donít call that winning, do you Peter?

PJ: No!

KW: What do you think Peter?

PJ: Week after week I try to work out how he does it!

KW: There you are!

PJ: I canít understand it!

NP: Last week you got in after, on four seconds a couple of times Peter.

PJ: Yeah but you didnít allow it! I remember you know! Iíve remembered all week! Itís been rankling, itís been rankling!

NP: Itís been a long week for all of us, hasnít it!

PJ: Night after night Iíve been thinking about it! Yes!

NP: What was the challenge now, yes, sort of. And Clement I agree with the challenge, there are nine seconds left for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde starting now.

CF: There was a film of this name which I saw in a cinema in Totness, Devon, which featured Spencer Tracy, now deceased, in which Ingrid Bergman...

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went so he gained an extra point and heís now taken the lead alongside Andree Melly. Peter Jones your turn to begin, in fact Peter Jones your turn to hear from you. The best day of my life, can you tell us about that in 60 seconds Peter starting now.

PJ: Well I am an incurable optimist obviously, or I wouldnít be here week after week. The best day...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?

CF: (laughs) Repetition of week.

NP: You are an incu... youíre an incurable optimist Peter, otherwise you wouldnít think of phrases like that to say in Just A Minute!

PJ: I know! Most unfortunate!

NP: But actually week after week we cannot let go by. And Clement Freud got in and I agree with the challenge. So Clement you take a point and the best day of my life Clement starting now.

CF: Day after day...

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And who is to say that Clement Freud isnít sporting? Sorry, you want to justify that?

CF: You may repeat any word from the phrase on the card. Itís always established...

NP: Ian Messiter, you thought of the game, can he do that?

IAN MESSITER: Absolutely right, yes.

NP: Thank goodness youíre here beside me! (laughs) So he very cleverly said something which produced a challenge from Andree Melly and is an incorrect challenge. That means that Clement Freud keeps the subject and gains a point, the best day of my life and there are 52 seconds left starting now.

CF: Was the 18th of August 1965. Because on this auspicious morning I awoke to an alarm clock, rose, had grape nuts with milk and brown sugar. And then went outside, mounted a bus and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: Well you canít mount a bus! Itís deviation, isnít it!

NP: No I think...

KW: You can mount a horse yes, Iíll agree with a horse! But not a bus!

NP: I think the picture of Clement Freud sitting astride a bus! he may have done some devious things in his time but I donít think astride a bus, no. You may say colloquially mount a bus, but nobody else does, most people say they get on a bus, Clement. So Iím going to give it against you, Kenneth has a point and the subject, 35 seconds left for the best day of my life Kenneth starting now.

KW: The best day of my life in my conscious memory and I use the term advisedly, brothers, brothers and sisters...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

KW: Whatís his challenge?

NP: Whatís your challenge?

CF: Brothers and...

NP: Brothers. You were being too brotherly. Clement Freud has a point and he has un 24 seconds for the best day of my life starting now.

CF: Shortly afternoon the public conveyance, on which I was mounted, pulled in...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you, why?

PJ: Well he keeps mounting these conveyances! It doesnít seem right! I think on a breakfast of grape nuts which he admitted he had, he couldn't er even attempt it!

KW: Repetition!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Youíve given a different connotation to the mounting now, havenít you Peter?

PJ: Well I...

KW: Repetition!

NP: So whatís your, whatís your, whatís your challenge?

PJ: Ah well, what cam I have? Deviousness, yes!

NP: No weíve had the mounting, repetition, weíve had the word mount before, didnít he?

PJ: Yes.

NP: Itís all so devious anyway.

PJ: It was all very devious.

NP: Heís trying, heís trying to maintain actually that heís not being devious by using the word mounting a bus. So I disagree, Peter you have a point and you have...

CF: I didnít say I was on a bus.

NP: Yes itís all right, Peter Jones has a point, a well deserved point, and heís well in the game now, he has one point! And there are 17 seconds for you, the best day of my life Peter starting now.

PJ: The best day of my life will be tomorrow, when Clement Freud wakes me up on the telephone and tells me that Iíve won this game and congratulates me. And then flowers and fruit, baskets of them will arrive from Kenneth Williams, and then Andree Melly will arrive in person and we shall play a...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged you, why?

AM: Two arrives.

NP: You have a point. He arrived, you arrived twice which was too much for Peter. So you get a point, two seconds left for the best day of my life starting now.

AM: Is today, because Iím someone who lives for the moment...

WHISTLE

NP: So Andree Melly was speaking then as the whistle went, she gained the extra point and sheís crept up on Clement Freud which she may not have wanted to do. But sheís now only one point behind him but Clementís still in the lead. And Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject, the animal I would be if I were not human. Can you have a little momentís thought and tell us in 60 seconds the animal I would be if I were not human starting now.

CF: The animal I would be, would be a hedgehog, because I could then not be mounted, which I understand is objectionable to the other members of the team. As a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: He seemed to come to a halt!

NP: Heís so, heís so narked about this mounting business!

CF: No...

NP: Heís so convinced that heís allowed to mount a bus when we think he shouldnít be astride it. Heís going...

CF: You can mount a hairbrush!

NP: ... to prove it, very cleverly but unsuccessfully. Kenneth you have a correct challenge, a point and you have 44 seconds for the animal I would be if I were not human starting now.

KW: (speaking very slowly, drawing out the words) I would like to be, and I assume thatís what this question really means, I would...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you, why?

PJ: Heís making three or four syllables out of one syllable words again!

NP: So?

PJ: Well itís a kind of way of hesitating without er stopping, making a noise!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Would you like, would you like just to say hesitation?

PJ: Yes hesitation!

NP: Obviously...

PJ: But I mean you canít...

NP: The audience... go no further Peter! Because the audience obviously agree with your challenge so...

PJ: Oh thank you very much!

NP: ...again... (laughs)

PJ: I would like to say that I do appreciate this, very kind of you all!

NP: So Peter Jones, the animal I would be if I were not human starting now.

PJ: I would be our childrenís cat. We feed her regularly, children open tins of...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well he said children twice.

NP: Yes he did say children before. Yes Kenneth I agree with that challenge, you take over the subject and there are 19 seconds for the animal I would be if I were not human starting now.

KW: A beautiful leopard with the natural grace those animals possess, inspire you to a greater degree than any other zoological specimen. (in fast parroty voice) I would like very much to be a parrot, I could talk like that all the time...

WHISTLE

HUGE APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I must say Kenneth, you gained a lot of points on the animal thing. In fact everybody gained points on the animal question, but Kenneth Williams gained so many that he has now leapt into the lead alongside Clement Freud. It is Andree Melly turn to begin. Andree the subject is now the art of being feminine. So can you talk to us on the subject...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Somebody has sensed what could happen in this round. Andree the art of being feminine, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Smell nice, this is most important. And grooming, take particular care of your toenails, each and every one. There are many products on the market now, cosmetics, to make sure that you are alluring, feminine and charming at all times. But there are other things like a, your, chart... (makes raspberry noise)

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones got in first. What was your challenge Peter?

PJ: Ah hesitation.

NP: An undoubted hesitation. Do you notice all these raspberries she blows when she hesitates?

AM: Itís a reflex!

NP: Peter Jones youíre creeping up, you have gained another point and you have 38 seconds on the art of being feminine starting now.

PJ: Well Iím all against the sexes polarising as they are, and getting more different. I want to bring them both together. And itís awfully important that women shouldnít rely on teasing and flirting and generally affecting helplessness when in fact...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: As a member of the Womenís Lib, I absolutely resent this! And I object to that kind of thing, I call it completely devious!

NP: It probably is, but it wasnít deviating from the subject on the card.

AM: That is not being feminine.

NP: The art of being feminine can be interpreted in whichever way you like. And to Peter Jones, thatís the way he sees it. Itís obviously quite different to the way you see it. Before you hit him over the head for having different ideas to you, can I award him a point and continue with the game, 21 seconds on the art of being feminine Peter starting now.

PJ: Well I was saying that thatís what it wasnít...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Repetition, he said thatís what he was saying.

NP: No he said thatís what...

PJ: I wasnít saying!

NP: So he has another point... your emotions will take you into great trouble...

AM: No itís just because Iím so fond of him, I want him to get lots of points!

NP: Youíre obviously a very good actress too Andree. You, Peter has now 18 er, 18 points! He has 18 seconds to continue with the art of being feminine starting now.

PJ: And the one thing that the women...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Iím very fond of him as well, I would like him...

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím almost tempted to award you a point for a good challenge instead of giving it to, a point... Clement Freud would like to give a point to Peter Jones! So weíre all friends here so Iím sure it will be gratefully accepted. And he will continue with the subject for 17 seconds Peter, the art of being feminine starting now.

PJ: And the one thing that the Womenís Lib people havenít been able to get across to the general public is the fact that men will be...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of fact.

NP: Yes there was more than one fact there. I can understand that having started again. You have to bring the fact in. I was wondering what the fact was actually, but still! Clement Freud has a point on this occasion and there are 11 seconds on the art of being feminine Clement starting now.

CF: Whereas a manifestation of femininity...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: ...could be...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Hesitation. Long hesitation!

NP: Yes but I must er...

PJ: Kenneth Williams put his arm around him! I saw that!

NP: I was about to tell the listeners that that was what actually happened.

PJ: Well Iím sorry...

KW: It didnít happen, my arms on the back of this chair, itís not on him at all! What are you talking about!

NP: Kenneth was illustrating the art of being feminine right then.

PJ: Well I donít think Clement Freud...

NP: It completely inhibited Clement Freud and I think to be fair he was...

KW: Clement Freudís never been inhibited in his life! Only last week he told us about his adventures! That woman with the glass eye in the aisle! Youíve never been inhibited, have you, love?

CF: No!

NP: All right Iíll tell you what Iíll do, I will let the audience be the judge on this. If you think that it was unfair that Clement Freud was intimidated, shall I say, so he rather dried up and was challenged, if you think itís all within the game and he should have kept going irrespective, in other words, if you agree with Peterís challenge will you cheer. And if you disagree and youíre on Clement Freudís side here, will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They feel that you should have kept going in spite of the intimidations Clement. So that means Peter Jones has another point and there are six seconds Peter on the art of being feminine starting now.

PJ: And so forget all this business of saying it with flowers and soft music in romantic restaurants...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones, the art of being feminine, has taken you into the lead! With Andree Melly aggressive help beside you, with the audience on your side, and Clement Freud being intimidated you got a number of points in that round and you now lead Clement Freud by two and the subject is now with you Kenneth Williams. And the subject for you now after that, the art of being feminine, the subject is power. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This of course has been remarked upon, by Lord Acton, and nobody has expressed it in a better fashion, that absolute power corrupts absolutely. And this is an un... in.. en...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged first.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes alas. yes, he got tongue-tied, so itís hesitation. Forty-one seconds on power Andree starting now.

AM: This is something that men are particularly interested in, in public life, and sometimes in private. Something that we women donít quite understand. Why is it necessary for them to wield power? Is there something else lacking...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: It was the third something.

AM: Yes.

NP: Yes the third something, I quite agree, there was something before. Twenty-five seconds for you Clement on power starting now.

CF: It has three prongs as opposed to an electric plug which only has two. I donít really understand the deeper points of electricity, but Iím always told that if you have an electric fire, a cooker, possibly an ironing board which works off the mains...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged, why?

KW: Well itís utterly boring!

NP: It may be but he wasnít deviating from power.

KW: No, I just wanted to get a mark!

NP: Well I would be careful because everybodyís very very close at this stage of the game. I disagree with your challenge, he does gain a point and there are seven seconds to continue with power starting now.

CF: We once lived in a bungalow which was DC. But we then got alternative current to the house...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was speaking again when the whistle went, he got an extra point for Kennethís er, challenge. So he now has a lead of one over Peter Jones at the end of that round. Kenneth and Andree are equal in third place just a little way behind. So itís very very exciting and I think weíre getting towards the end of the show. But we certainly have time for one more round, Peter Jones, itís your turn to begin, the subject is happiness. can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I know itís something that you canít successfully find. You have to come across it when youíre trying to do something else. In other words, it is a kind of by-product of a task or even some effort that one is making in the course of oneís normal life, or abnormal if it so happens that it is er something that happened in that way...

BUZZ

NP: Oh I think they were very kind. But Clement Freud couldnít let it go any longer! You challenged, Clement, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Something.

NP: And something else, yes!

CF: And something else.

NP: Clement you have a point for a correct challenge, 35 seconds on happiness starting now.

CF: One of the saddest things about happiness is that it canít buy money! But there are other attributes which are equally distressing. For instance it doesnít matter how happy one is with Kenneth Williams sitting next to one, every now and again putting his left arm on to my left knee...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: His left arm on his left knee.

CF: I had to do it for accuracyís sake!

NP: Fifteen seconds for Andree Melly having gained another point on happiness starting now.

AM: The important thing in life is to know when youíve got it and appreciate it to the full. So many of us miss the opportunity and only afterwards...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Well she said so many of us miss the opportunity. Now who is she speaking for?

NP: You think itís devious because er...

PJ: Well I donít want to be in that category. I donít feel I have missed these opportunities. I mean, there havenít been very many but believe me, Iíve always taken them with both hands!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: In other words, you, you think it is devious to say that so many people miss the opportunity.

PJ: Well of course! So many of us, she said! So many of us! So she means you as well, you know! And old Freud there! And Kenneth!

NP: So you think that the majority of people donít miss the opportunities?

PJ: Absolutely, I think very often...

NP: So on that basis you have a correct challenge then...

PJ: Ah! Thank you very much! Good!

NP: So you have a point...

PJ: Whatís the subject?

NP: Donít give yourself away Peter! There are three seconds on happiness with you Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: Itís a wonderful thing!

WHISTLE

NP: Happiness is indeed a wonderful thing. And we enjoy it very much and we find it here on Just A Minute. And itís a very happy moment today because, well, Iíll tell you the score in reverse order. Kenneth Williams was only just in fourth place. Andree Melly was only one point ahead in third place. Clement Freud was a few points ahead but he was alongside our winner who has played the game less than anybody else, Peter Jones, joint winners this week, Peter Jones and Clement Freud. Thank you very much for joining us on this particular edition of Just A Minute. from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.