JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 January 1976)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you heard we have our three regulars, Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones and we welcome back after a few weeks absence Alfred Marks. Iím going to ask them to speak on some subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation if they can, or at least to keep going until they are challenged. And we begin the show this week with Clement Freud and the subject Clement is the Parisian Latin quarter. Would you talk about that for just a minute if you can starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Well, Iím very pleased to talk about the Parisian Latin quarter, because the Latin quarter in Tunbridge Wells or that in Wigan would be a very much more difficult subject. In the Parisian Latin quarter...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation. Why does he keep saying Pareeeesian?

CF: Because he did.

NP: Why shouldnít he?

KW: Because you did. Oh, is that is the wrong proniunciation then?

CF: Yes.

KW: So you were sending him up?

CF: No.

KW: Oh, I see.

NP: What would you say?

KW: Parizian.

NP: (In French accent) Would you talk now Clement Freud for another 46 seconds on the Parisian Latin quarter starting now.

CF: Itís full of people like Alfred Marks who wear the same clothes from one week to several times later.

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

ALFRED MARKS: Itís not only repetitious, deviation and hesitation, itís also libellous!

KW: Youíve been in that suit for weeks and donít deny it!

NP: Weíll put it to the audience.

AM: No, no, but not...

NP: Ladies and gentleman, will you please judge. When Alfred Marks was here last time, will you please if he was wearing the same clothes, or if you think he was wearing the same clothes, will you please cheer for him. And if you think he was wearing different clothes, will you please boo for him, and all do it together now.

BOOS AND CHEERS

NP: I think it was a draw, I donít think they have any idea what you were wearing!

AM: A draw?

NP: Yes.

AM: The drawers are the only thing Iím wearing...

NP: Thatís where heís got us, we donít know what heís wearing underneath and they may be different. So Alfred, you have a challenge which is correct and so you get a point for that and you take over the subject of the Parisian Latin quarter. There are 37 seconds left starting now.

AM: Paris is a most beautiful city, one of the loveliest in Europe and one of the nicest areas of this city is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud

CF: Repetition of city.

NP: Yes, there was more than one city there and so...

AM: Well, having not gained that point, I can tell you now I am wearing the same clothes I wore last time!

NP: the release! the relief at home with all those people hanging on at home about Alfredís underclothes and worried about it! Now we can get on with the game. Clementís got a correct challenge, he has 30 seconds left on the Parisian Latin quarter starting now.

CF: What worries most visitors to the Latin quarter is where are the other 75 percent, because quarter means that elsewhere would be a half and yet another quarter. People have gone all over the capital of France...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes, the people were worried before, and now the people are going all over the whole of France.

CF: Theyíre different people!

NP: They may be but you repeated the word which you canít do in Just A Minute and fair enough. Thirteen seconds for Peter Jones to talk about the Parisian Latin quarter starting now.

PJ: Well, itís really a type of French Soho, and itís very cheap to live there. I stayed there for a few days in a very sleazy hotel and was actually burgled in the middle of the night. The man opened the door and went through the...

WHISTLE

NP: And of course Peter, if you were burgled in the middle of the night, that would have made it very expensive. Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went...

PJ: Well, I didnít have much to steal as I was wearing the same clothes all the way through!

NP: Anyway Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went so he got the extra point. Heís in second place now behind Clement Freud. Oh, that was the first subject wasnít it? So at the end of the first round, at the end of the first round Clement Freud has a lead of one over Peter Jones who has a lead of one over Alfred Marks who has a lead of one over Kenneth Williams who has yet to speak as far as I can remember. So Kenneth will you start talking now. The subject is cherubs. Can you talk on those for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well, in mythology, of the word that is covered by cherubs, the plural is cherubim and seraphim. And they were attendant on the right hand...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Must be hesitation!

NP: It must be right. There are 46 seconds on cherubs with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Well, theyíre rather boring I always think.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Theyíre not boring at all, theyíre delightful, their chubby faces as painted by Tician on those incredible ceilings in the Velasso in Venice are the...

NP: Kenneth, why donít you save it in case you get in again with a correct challenge because that was a wrong challenge.

KW: Iím challenging now, that was deviation!

NP: No, I disagree.

KW: Theyíre not boring!

NP: Peter, you didnít deviate from the subject of cherubs whatever you may say about them so you have 44 seconds to continue, and one point for an incorrect challenge, and you start now.

PJ: To me they always appear to be overweight and obese. These great cheeks you know jowls, the great fat er bottoms and knees...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Fat er! A hesitation!

NP: Yes, er was a hesitation. There were two greats as well which you missed. There are 35 seconds on cherubs starting now.

KW: These beautiful creatures which have been the inspiration for artists especially during the Renaissance period of modern Europe...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Some kind of hesitation there.

NP: No, I donít think he hesitated. He keeps the subject after an incorrect challenge and there are 27 seconds on Kenneth on cherubs starting now.

KW: A source of continual delight, not only on canvasses but blowing from those rosy cheeks the various winds which were pictured on the old illustrative maps for navigators. So that it went to north, south, east or west as the little cherub blew....ah...

BUZZ

KW: Ah, ah, I ran out!

NP: We know, I thought you saw Ian Messiter put his whistle in his mouth and you thought this is it.

KW: Oh, was I nearly there?

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh, what a shame! What a rotten shame!

NP: Two and a half seconds to go, that was all, and Clement Freud challenged.

KW: Did he? Oh well, he gets it then!

NP: All right so hesitation. Two and a half seconds, Clement, cherubs, starting now.

CF: I had a delphatic schoolmaster who...

WHISTLE

NP: Well you had two opinions there about cherubs, and Kenneth Williams got some points. So did Peter Jones. And Alfred Marks, itís your turn to begin. The subject is croquet. Can you talk about that gane for just a minute starting now.

AM: What a lot of balls have gone through hoops on an English lawn in the summer time. If Tennyson didnít say that, he should have done because what a wonderful scene to haer the click of hammer upon the wooden spheres on a beautiful day in the countryside. The game is so peculiarly English, and yet I donít suppose it is....

BUZZ

NP: Er, umm, sorry, Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of English.

NP: I donít remember him saying English before.

PJ: I thought he said English fairly early, at the very beginning really.

NP: No!

PJ: An English summer day.

NP: Oh, I think he did.

AM: Yes I think I did actually.

NP: Yes he did, so well done Peter. 42 seconds with you Peter Jones on croquet starting now.

PJ: Itís a wonderful spectator sport because thereís very little hooliganism at these games, becausepeople are usually too old to do very much except hold the mallet very gently and just push the ball through these tight hoops. I understand that there is some kind of crookery that goes on among the players who are transferred from one team to another for modest sums, for modest amounts...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of modest.

NP: Yes, there were two modests.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Clement Freud you have a correct challenge. The subject is croquet, and you have 12, no,11 seconds starting now.

CF: ETC Kotter, who incidentally taught me Latin at school was once the croquet champion of Great Britain. A pleasant plump...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones itís your turn to begin, and the subject is carpentry Peter. And there are 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I was talking to someone the other day and they said they were a great start-it-yourself enthusiast which is not the same as a do-it because er

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Because er. Iím afraid there was a hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes, Iím afraid there was. So there are 43 seconds on carpentry with you Kenneth Williams starting now.

KW: Well, I was watching the man saw this door and I noticed that he raised wood to his nose. And I said ďHere! Whar are you up to?Ē And he said ďHave a smell of this yourself. Itís marvellous, the flavour of this um, wood.. the flavour. The flavour, you see...

BUZZ

NP: Haha, Peter Jones.

KW: Because it was actually pine you see, pine, and pine has the most marvellous flavour...

PJ: Oh, lovely, yes! Very nice.

NP: Do you maan flavour or smell?

PJ: Smell.

NP: Oh, the smell of any new wood is beautiful, one of the most exotic smells.

PJ: Yes!

NP: Oh, Iím mad about it.

PJ: The smell of pine and eggs!

NP: There are 30 seconds for Peter Jones after that little diversion to talk on the subject of carpentry because he had a correct challenge a little while ago. Starting now.

PJ: Well, you have to have a bench with a vice on it, a plane, saw, chisels, hammers. And the idea is to get a piece of wood of one shape and attach it to another of a dissimilar type. And in some way either with a dovetail joint, a loose screw or nail, they can be fused with the purpose to make a table or some modest thing in a house like a chair or a window and if you contrive...

WHISTLE

NP: I thought that was very funny! He said some modest thing in the house like a chair or a window! Have you ever tried making a window? Itís very complicated.

PJ: Yes I know, but it can be done. Iíll explain if you like.

NP: Not modest! Iíve done it, thatís how I know! Itís not a modest...

PJ: But youíre not very modest!

NP: Peter Jones, you kept going, they didnít challenge you! You got a point for speaking as the whistle went, and youíve taken the lead at the end of that round. Itís Clement Freudís turn to begin, and the subject is muffins. Would you talk on that one Clement for just a minute starting now.

CF: Muffins was the colloquial name given to the muffin men who raomed the streets in the 19th century enforcing people against their will to join the Army or the Navy, and generally the citizens of towns and cities in this country
were terrified late at night and seldom kept their doors open.

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.

KW: This is a load of rubbish! These men sold muffins, they didnít press... they werenít pressgang men at all.

CF: Oh Pressgang! Thats the word I was searching for!

KW: Pressgang! Its outrageous! They were simply sitting there selling muffins! They go down very nicely thank you.

NP: Thatís the thing about Just A Minute, you have to keep going, and if you keep going with enough confidence...

CF: And actually I meant pressgang!

NP: ...they donít always challenge you. But the subject is muffins and Kenneth has a correct challnge. There are 37 seconds left, he kept going quite deviously for 22 seconds without being challenged. Muffins, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: Alas! This delightful 18th century dish of buttered muffins has not survuved in the way the crumpet has. In my youth I recall gentlemen ringing the bell..

BUZZ

KW: And joyfully crying ďMuffins!Ē

NP: And Alfred has challenged.

KW: Why? How dare you! Youíre a guest on this programme and you have the audacity to challenge an old age resident!

AM: Iím curious to know how he knew so much about crumpet in his youth? Thatís all Iím asking!

NP: All right, give Alfred a point for a good challenge, but kenneth wasnít deviating. He keeps the subject and there are 23 seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: The muffin was square as opposed to the crumpet which was round and always perforated in this tiny miniscule fashion till butter became.... saturated...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: The butter became... saturated...

KW: You trying to do impersonations of me, mate?

PJ: No, no, youíre doing an impersonation of yourself!

NP: Peter, you have a point, there are 9 seconds left on muffins starting now.

PJ: Itís one of the principal ingredients of a favourite dish called eggs benedict. Now you have to add eggs and I think itís...

BUZZ

NP: Er, Alfred Marks.

AM: Repetition of eggs.

PJ: yes, you got in very cleverly as a newcomer, and there is one second to go, and the subject is muffins Alfred, starting now.

AM: As someone who...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth, your turn to begin, the subject is Hannibal. Can you talk about him for just a minute if you can starting now.

KW: I would prefer to discuss someone civilised, he was simply a barbarian. Hannibal came from Carthage which of course we would now call North Africa, and did cause a tremendous amount of trouble to the civilised community, we would now call the republican kind of Rome. And over the Alps he went, of course, as legend..,

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid so, and um Peter you have 32 seconds on Hannibal satrting now.

PJ: Yes, well, he had this famous journey over the Alps with these elephants. Iím never too sure how he managed to get them up the sides without the aid of ropes and so on. May have had them! Who is to know? And there was a film, I understand, about this extraordinary feat some er years ago.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Some er.

NP: Yes. All right, Kenneth, 12 seconds on Hannibal starting now.

KW: The rulers of the republic of Rome in this period were...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of Rome.

NP: Yes, the republic of Rome, there were two. There are nine seconds on Hannibal starting now.

CF: If you eat other people and canít pronounce your Cs, you could very easily be called a hannibal.

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud has taken the lead, one ahead of Peter Jones at the end of the round. And we move to Alfred Marks to start the next round. Alfred, a nice one for you: a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio. Would you talk on it, about it, or take it as your subject for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Oh how many comedians have started their act with a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio. In fact, very rarely does anything funny happen to anyone on the way to the studio, except today! A man stopped me in the street and said ďPardon me, would you give me two shillings for a bite to eat?Ē And I said...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth.

KW: If he said to you today, two shillings, and weíve gone over to the metric system! I find this very odd!

AM: He was a very odd man!

NP: Well, itís...

KW: Iím sorry, I didnít mean the metric, I meant the decimal!

NP: Fortythree seconds for you Alfred, to continue after an incorrect challenge on a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio, starting now.

AM: A funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio last week in fact. This was another man who came up to me and said ďwould you give me a shilling for a cup of coffee?Ē and I said ďthe coffeeís only threepenceĒ ďbut yes but I like to tip big.Ē

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones, you challenged.

PJ: Repetition of shilling.

NP: So 30 seconds with Peter Jones on the subject starting now.

PJ: Yes, I can remember getting on a bus and producing a pound note and there was some fuss about the change. They didnít seem to have any. And I think well London Transport has all these hundreds of thousands of buses and...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Alfred Marks.

AM: Well, I would dearly love to know what this has to do with a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio.

NP: Yes, you didnít establish that Peter and you were going for nearly 13 seconds without...

AM: I think he was on the way to tell another lousy joke like mine!

PJ: I established that I was on a bus. You must admith that!

AM: Yes but it was a 49 bus that goes nowhere near the studio!

NP: No, I donít think you established Peter, in the time that you were talking that you were getting close to the subject. So Alfred has a correct challenge and he has 13 seconds on a funny thing happened on the way to the studio, starting now.

AM: Leaving the studio after a funny thing happened to me on the way to it, I met Peter Jones on the bus, and Peter said to me, can you lend me a shilling...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Peter.

NP: Yes.

AM: Yes yes.

NP: So Peter I should have said 18 seconds before because there are now 10 left for Peter on the subject starting now.

PJ: Well, I would like to establish that this particular boring bus was on itís way to the studio...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Is this a private game or can anyone join in?

NP: You can join in!

CF: They both seem to have said bus at least 10 times.

NP: Yes! And so Clement...

CF: Can I give it to my friend Kenneth Williams, because I really... er...

NP: Youíre passing out are you?

AM: He doesnít want to travel by bus!

NP: Kenneth, you have 5 seconds on a funny thing happened on the way to the studio starting now.

KW: It did happen! This lady said to me, ďI can do Singing in the Rain, but Iím not going to!Ē and I said ďwhy not?Ē and she said ďBecause itís not raining!Ē

WHISTLE

NP: You got the point for speaking as the whistle went, youíve moved forwards, youíve overtaken Alfred Marks, and Peter Jones, your turn to begin. The subject: parsnips. Can you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I can remember so well seeing these vegetables in huge marquees at great cultural and horticultural shows. Long, 2 or 3 feet in length, some of them! With a very thin hairy extremity and the top all fleshy and yellowy greeny sort of colour...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Heís talking about carrots!

NP: Fleshy! I could never describe any parsnip as fleshy!

PJ: Really?

NP: Itís hard and solid and firm and upright and noble! It was my nickname at school! Parsnips, with you Clement, starting now.

CF: When I decided not to marry Gladys after all...

PJ: What was the challenge actually?

NP: Deviation.

CF: We were called just two parsnips who passed in the night, and that is very much how I like to think of her, lying there in Wolverhampton, miserably, sad, waiting for the University Grants Commission to send more more money and help both of us, to live a better life than we had any right to expect. But if you boil them for not very long having sprayed them previously and mash them with butter and pile them onto a toasted muffin, then there can be no more delicious savoury to brighten your evening.

WHISTLE

NP: Boiled parsnips on a toasted muffin! And Alfred Marks itís your turn to begin, and the subject is my goldfish. Will you tell us something about him in 60 seconds starting now.

AM: My goldfish are buried in my garden because Iíve had no luck with this particular type of pet. I have snails, I have tortoise, I even have crabs, but I have never had any luck whatsoever with a goldfish. We keep them in a bowl, we feed them steak, chips, eggs, all a source of ambrosia. Nothing seems to work. In the morning there they are floating on their side helpless. And how nice they would be with a plate of fried potatoes!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well I think youíll be in trouble with the RSPCA, for cruelty to goldfish, if heís giving them egg and chips.

NP: So what is your challenge?

PJ: Er, deviation.

NP: No, he wasnít deviating, but he did repeat himself which you overlooked. so Alfred keeps the subject and he has a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 33 seconds left starting now.

AM: My children are heartbroken each time one of these poor little fish die because they...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Die, he repeated the word die.

NP: Yes .

AM: Yes.

NP: And Peter, you have a correct challenge. You have now 27 seconds to talk on my goldfish starting now.

PJ: My goldfish also passed on, or was called before, or whatever it is that happens to goldfish when they havenít been fed right or they...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is a dreary funeral recital of the deaths of all these fish! I think itís dreary!

NP: It might be dreary bit itís...

PJ: Dreary? Dreariness is no objection in this game as well you know! You know that better than anybody!

KW: Well, I havenít said anything for ages and I feel Iím just getting trampled on and left out of things!

PJ: I know but you look quite pretty sitting there and...

KW: Oh, thatís nice, you are nice!

PJ: So just let me continue with this saga of the goldfish.

NP: Well, you made your point, I quite agree with what you just said Peter, I was going to say much the same.

PJ: Thank you.

NP: And you have 17 seconds to continue on my goldfish starting now.

PJ: I always wanted a much larger aquarium, because this round thing that it was in wasnít really large enough and did in fact cause a fire hazard because the magnification of the suns rays through the bowl beside the goldfish was often...

WHISTLE

NP: Well there was Peter struggling gamefully through to the end and a little generosity on the part of the others let him finish with the whistle and get an extra point for doing so. And now I will give you the final situation because we have no more time. Kenenth came only just in fourth place, only one point behind Alfred Marks who returned to do extremely well against these three tough competitors. He came only three points behind Clement Freud, but Clement Freud this time finished up two points behind this weeks winner with that last flourish, Peter Jones. We hope you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minite, from all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.